0:00:04 > 0:00:06Nearly done. What do you think?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10I don't like it.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12VOICE ON TV
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Do you want a glass of fresh orange?
0:00:17 > 0:00:19- Fresh orange?- Uh-huh.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22- Fresh orange juice?- Uh-huh.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26You know fine well that I don't take fruit juice after my coffee
0:00:26 > 0:00:28and before my second tablet.
0:00:28 > 0:00:33This programme contains some strong language
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Mum, did you see that big Alsatian frae the flats has been
0:00:37 > 0:00:39sneaking in and peeing in the garden again?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I've no interest in dogs peeing on grass.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44SHE SIGHS
0:00:44 > 0:00:46SHE SLURPS
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- Do you know if we recorded... - We did. I watched it, deleted it.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58When have you ever seen a mushroom that colour?
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Chestnut mushroom!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02It's horrible, it looks like...
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Like what?
0:01:03 > 0:01:04The inside of a dirty nappy.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11What is the matter with you?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14The matter with me? There's nothing the matter with me.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Right. Well, I'm going up the stairs.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Well, you'll know the way.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21What?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Up the stairs.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- Aw, I get it.- Uh-huh.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Look, Mum. It was just me having a friend over to the house.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30What's so bad about that?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Oh, you know fine well that
0:01:32 > 0:01:36if you want to have a friend over, that is OK by me.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39You only have to let me know when they're coming and I'll
0:01:39 > 0:01:43put my good tracksuit on, wipe down my wee table and open a window.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47But you, milady, chose to go behind my back
0:01:47 > 0:01:51when I was away up at the doctor's getting my ears syringed
0:01:51 > 0:01:54to invite this so-called friend over.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Yes. Uh-huh.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Mum.- It's not potpourri we need on the half landing, it's a
0:01:59 > 0:02:02bowl of peppermints and a selection of johnny bags.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Oh, for God's sake!
0:02:04 > 0:02:08And yes, I would like a fresh orange juice.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13I'm going out.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15DOOR SLAMS
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Ya bastard!
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Agh!
0:02:23 > 0:02:26MUSIC: S.O.B. by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats
0:02:39 > 0:02:41It'll be lighter when it dries.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44It'll be fine, it's only a spare room.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45It's Ian's room.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Aye, but we're turning it into a spare room.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It's still his room, though, Eric.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Aye, well, tell him to get his arse round here and paint it, then.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- PHONE RINGS - Aw, who the hell's this?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Christine, oh, my God!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Right, there's your specs, Christine.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Thanks, Beth. Thank God you were in.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Would you like a cup of tea?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Oh, no, no, no, I don't want to put you to any bother.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22You sure?
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Just one of those coffees you do in the cafetiere will be fine.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28All right, Christine?
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Bloody hell, you been at the home baking again?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Oh, ha-bloody-ha.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Her ceiling's come in. Away and make her a cup of tea.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Coffee.- Ah, coffee, that's right. - I'm in shock, Eric.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Is it not a glass of water you're meant to have for shock?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Ah, well, it's fresh coffee with two brown sugars with me.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50So, the whole thing came down on your head?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Like fucking Pompeii, Beth.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Oh, that's terrible.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59Oh, no warning. One minute I'm sat there quite happy after a row
0:03:59 > 0:04:02with Sophie, the next thing I know, I'm sitting there with
0:04:02 > 0:04:05a lampshade on my head and picking bits of Artex out my teeth.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12As I say, Beth, I'm still in shock.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Oh, Eric, bring a biscuit.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18God bless.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22So, what were you and Sophie at loggerheads about?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- I don't want to talk about it, Beth. - OK.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I'm best to say nothing.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Right enough.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- She's been getting pumped.- Oh.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Every time I've been out at the doctors, Sophie's been
0:04:33 > 0:04:35upstairs having sex with a boy.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Every time? Christ, she'll be exhausted.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40How did you manage to find out about this?
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Pumping?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Well, call it mother's intuition, Beth...
0:04:45 > 0:04:46call it logging into Facebook
0:04:46 > 0:04:49and having a look at her private messages.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Hit the plunger on that, will you, Eric?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53So where's Sophie now?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Oh, I don't know. She stormed out in a huff!
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Well, let's not worry about that.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00The important thing is that you're both OK.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Thanks, Beth, you're a star.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05A bright shining star.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- No trouble.- Oh, God bless.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11You don't have any of those wee pink wafers, do you?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Cos I don't like any of these.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16'Yoo-hoo! Beth. Hello?'
0:05:16 > 0:05:18There you are.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Beth, wait till you see this, you are going to love it!
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- What is it?- It's the hotel in Egypt I've just booked for me and Col.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Sharm el something.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- Hello, Cathy.- Oh, Christine!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33(She looks like shit.)
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Her ceiling caved in on her.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Oh, you're joking!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Anyway, let me fire this up and show you a picture of the pool.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- So it just caved in, did it?- Aye.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- And what's above it?- The bathroom.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Ah! You maybe had a leak.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I had more than a flaming leak when it slammed down on top of me,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- I'll tell you that. - Have you got insurance?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- Aye, I do.- Oh, you'll be fine.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59When I set fire to my kitchen, I got a brand-new one.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00How did you do that?
0:06:00 > 0:06:01I set fire to it.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I wanted a new one.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Now, would you look at that! - Who are you with for insurance?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Oh, what's that one with the dog?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Eh, Churchill?- Aye. Well, it better start fucking nodding
0:06:11 > 0:06:13when it sees my claim form in front of it.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Sorry about the language there, Beth. It's the shock, you know.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- You're all right. - It's an absolute bastard, so it is.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- Did you take any pictures?- No.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Beth, Beth! Infinity pool.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28We took pictures of the upstairs toilet when it flooded, didn't we?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Oh, aye, aye, I've still got them somewhere.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Oh, well, I'll maybe have a look at them later on, Eric, if you don't mind.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Beth, Beth! Gold taps.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Could you just leave it a minute, Cathy?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Christine, Eric'll take the pictures for you.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40God's sake.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Oh, I don't think I could face going back over there, not at the minute.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Don't worry, Christine, I'll see to it for you.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Eric, get Colin to do them on his phone -
0:06:48 > 0:06:50his camera's better than yours.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- You don't mind?- No, of course not.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I mean, if Beth's having you to stay here for a few days, it's
0:06:55 > 0:06:58the least me and Col can do. Isn't that right?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Aye.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Well, here we are, grotbag's lair.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Have you had a tetanus lately?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Christ, she'll have a fair amount of sweeping up to do, eh?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Aye, don't worry, she's no stranger to a broomstick.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19All right, let's get this done. I've got enough on my hands over the road.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Oh, aye, what is it you're doing again?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Oh, Beth's got me redecorating Ian's bedroom.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Oh, aye. Empty nest now, Eric.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Chance for you and Beth to enjoy some time on your own.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Yeah, I suppose so.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Well, make the most of it.- Aye.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Before the old age kicks in. - Yeah, well...
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- And one of you dies. - Oh, for God's sake!
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Not that you should be worrying about that.- No.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43No. Anyway, it's usually the man that pops it first.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45HE CHUCKLES
0:07:48 > 0:07:50What about there?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53No, no, that's no good. It's not comfortable.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57It's my neck, you see. Keep going.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Right, left a bit, left a bit, left, left, left, left.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05That's it, that's it. Oh, that's better there.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08DOORBELL
0:08:11 > 0:08:12In you come.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- Is she all right?- Oh, she's fine.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18We're just setting her up in front of Homes Under The Hammer.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Mum, are you all right?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, I'm fine.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I just about got buried alive,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26but you'll no' be giving two shits about that, will you?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Hello, Sophie.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29What's she doing here, anyway?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I texted her, Christine - let her know what was going on.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- What's the matter with you two? - She's...
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Ah, ah, not now, Christine.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39She's been what?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41What have you been up to, you little minx?
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Not now, Cathy.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Let's not go into that just now.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48That's right, Christine. Least said, soonest mended.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50OK, fair enough.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52She's been at the pumping.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Is that her needing filled up with the coffee again?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Oh, Christ, what are we going to do?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- What do you mean? - We're not actually going to have her staying the night, are we?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- We're going to have to. - Where are we going to put her?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I'll just have to make her up a bed on the sofa.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Aw, God save us.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Coming down in the morning to see that lying in front of you like Bagpuss.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Put you off your cornflakes for life.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Look, all we're talking about is one person for one night.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Surely we can cope with that.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Beth!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Christine's getting a bit agitated,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30so I've said to Sophie she's just to stay as well.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Oh, God!
0:09:35 > 0:09:39That was awful nice of Beth to offer to do this for Christine and Sophie.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42We'd have offered ourselves if we hadn't been going on this holiday.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47- What holiday?- Egypt. You never been to the Valley of the Kings, Eric?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- No.- Aye, well, we're not bothering with any of that shite, either.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53We're going to the nice bit, Sharm el-Sheikh.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55You want to see this hotel we're going to.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57It's a traditional Arabian palace.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01The waiters all in white robes, a fountain in the shape
0:10:01 > 0:10:05of a sphinx, and a wee poolside cafe that does chips and toasties.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06All right for some, eh?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I told you, Eric, any time you want.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11I'll get you the keys to my pal's caravan over in Dundee.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Just give me the nod and I'll get him to clear it out for you.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18That's an awful lot lighter on the tin than it is on the wall.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Oh, Christ, don't you start.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Here, put your big light on and see it properly.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Here, you're no' epileptic, are you, Eric?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31HE LAUGHS
0:10:34 > 0:10:36SHE SIGHS
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Can I do anything?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40No, you're fine, Sophie, don't worry.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I'm really sorry about all this.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45No trouble. Now, what does your mum take on her toast?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Oh, just butter. But do it all the way to the edges, otherwise
0:10:47 > 0:10:49she won't eat it.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- She's a pain in the arse, isn't she? - Well, she's just...- It's OK,
0:10:53 > 0:10:54I know what she's like.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56She's a pain in the arse, aye.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59She drives me mental, Mrs Baird.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01It's tough when you're a parent, Sophie,
0:11:01 > 0:11:06watching your kids grow up, doing grown-up things.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09She might give you a hard time now, but when you move out...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11When I move out?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Well, eh, in the future you move out.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Well, look at me and Ian.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18When he was here, he used to drive me round the twist,
0:11:18 > 0:11:23and now he's away doing his own thing...
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I miss him.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34We weren't even doing anything upstairs.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- Were you not? - No, we were just sleeping.- Oh.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41We'd already done it on the kitchen floor, so we were knackered.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- I can't...- Col, she can't see this.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- What?- She can't see it. It's too wee and her eye's gone.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55How could he no' have just done it on a proper camera?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I used to have a lovely big camera that a fucking chimp
0:11:58 > 0:12:01nicked off me when I was at the safari park.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Col, put it on the laptop.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06It never got the tripod, though.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I'd have rammed that up its wee red arse if I'd got a hold of it.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11What did you bring the laptop in here for?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I was showing Beth pictures of the hotel.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I'm thinking of taking Sophie away on holiday next year.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17If she behaves herself!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Aw, that'll be nice. Where you thinking?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Rotterdam. You can go the whole way by coach, you know.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28None of that taking your shoes off and having folk swab your shampoo.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Right, Christine, look.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Can you see it?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Oh, aye. I can see it.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- No, that's the screensaver. - Oh. Oh, oh, here, right.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Right, can you see it now?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Oh. Oh!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Oh, for heaven's sake, would you look at the state of that.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49All that horrible Artex.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I took a good dozen or so.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Done some panoramic in case you want to get it framed.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56THEY LAUGH
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- How do I see the other ones? - Here, let me...
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Och, you're fine, I'll do it. Leave it!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04There. Now, what have we got here?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06WOMAN MOANS
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Oh, for God's sake!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Oh, shit! Wait a minute, Christine, I'll...
0:13:11 > 0:13:13MOANING CONTINUES
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Oh, I see.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- What is it, Mum?- Well...
0:13:18 > 0:13:20What's going on?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Now, now, now, Cathy, look, don't overreact.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Oh, that's not...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- You didn't video yourself?- No.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Now, Cathy, look, it's obviously a...a spam virus.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Beth, I need the loo.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34That's not... You didn't?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36No! It's not even my laptop.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Cathy, look.- Unbelievable! - Cathy!- It's all right, Beth.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42It's all right, I'm not going to cause a scene.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- You've been wanking off again, haven't you?- Now, Cathy!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Just give me a straight answer.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Have you or have you not been wanking?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- Come on, Cathy... - HAVE YOU BEEN WANKI-I-I-I-ING?!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I... I might have.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06I mean, everybody has a wee fiddle with themselves, do they not?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Eric?- Er, phoo...
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Right. Out!- Come on, Cathy.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Get out my sight! You're a...
0:14:14 > 0:14:15You're a...
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Wee sly wanker.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Toast, anyone?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Unbelievable.- I know, Cathy.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41- Did you see it?- I just saw a bit.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I caught a glimpse of a bum
0:14:43 > 0:14:45and a pair of shoes with see-through heels.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48It's disgusting! I could kill him.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50At the end of the day, him and a million other men.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51I know that, Beth.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I caught Eric in the hut with the Littlewoods catalogue
0:14:54 > 0:14:55and a pump dispenser of Nivea.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Yes, but...
0:14:58 > 0:15:01..you weren't trying for a baby, were you?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Sorry?- We're supposed to be trying for a baby.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- Oh.- I mean, that's the whole point of us going to Egypt.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- I mean, at my age, it's no' that easy.- Oh.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Well, there are lots of people having babies in their late
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- for...mid fort... - SHE LAUGHS
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- ..all ages.- We've got all the dates marked up in the calendar,
0:15:17 > 0:15:21I'm pumping myself full of hormones, I'm on a special diet.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Don't eat this, don't drink that.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28And all the time, he's in front of the laptop with...
0:15:28 > 0:15:32with a sheet of kitchen roll, huffing and puffing.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Oh, he's a disgrace!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Look, Cathy, I don't think it's that bad.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40When you go back over there tonight, sit him down,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42just the two of you, and hash it out.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I'll be doing no such thing.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I won't be going anywhere near him.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I won't be setting foot in that house tonight.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Why, where are you going?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Well, I'm staying here, of course.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I mean, there's people that are addicted to that stuff, Eric.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I know.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04It used to be it was magazines.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08I remember I found one stuffed in behind our hedge.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- Did you?- Aye. Ebony Sluts.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Eric, can I steal you away for a minute?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Very happily, yes.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Right, I need you to go up to the loft.- What for?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- We need the blow-up bed down. - How are we needing that down?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I thought Christine was just getting a bed made up on the couch.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28And Sophie, she's going in to Ian's room, is she not?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- Yes, that's right. - So, why do we need the blow-up bed?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Because Cathy's staying.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36She's what? Aw, you're kidding me on.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Eric, Cathy's quite upset,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40she's in a very vulnerable state at the moment.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Beth, Beth! Sleepover!
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Eric, run up to the shop and get us some fags, would you?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51HE SIGHS
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Let me put it up. Give me the elastic band.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- No, it's fine, honestly. - Let me put it up.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04Obviously it's quite greasy just now, but when it's washed...
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Scrape it all back off your face and show off that
0:17:08 > 0:17:11lovely big forehead.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Here, Christine, what do you think of that?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Na. Just trying to make her a bit more feminine.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24And what's not feminine about her? Apart from the sports socks?
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Look at her.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28She doesn't want to look like that, does she?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Nobody would want to look like that. Would they, darling?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32There's nothing wrong with what she's got on.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35In fact, that cardigan was mine for a long time.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37And what does Sophie think?
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Let's ask her, shall we? Because, unlike you, Christine, I am
0:17:41 > 0:17:44interested in what Sophie has to say.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- I just...- Oh, that might be Colin. - DOORBELL
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Beth, Beth, if that's Colin, I'm not here.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Right you are.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- Ian!- Hiya, Mum.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57In you come.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- How's things?- Oh, fine.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Christine's ceiling's collapsed, so her and Sophie are staying here
0:18:04 > 0:18:06until they can get someone round to look at it.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Cathy's had the mother of all ding-dongs with Colin -
0:18:09 > 0:18:11don't ask what about - but she's decided the best
0:18:11 > 0:18:14thing would be for her to bunk in here, as well.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Oh, yes, and we've run out of teabags.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Wow.- So, how are you?
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Erm...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I've split up with Jaz.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Eric, back up into the loft.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27HE SIGHS
0:18:27 > 0:18:29ENERGETIC PUMPING
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Keep going.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Faster.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38There.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Now, that's not bad at that.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I'd never have lasted a full night on that couch.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46And you're sure you're warm enough with the TWO duvets?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Ah, well, we'll see how I go.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51There's a glass of water for you there and the last of the paracetamols.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Thanks, Beth, you're a good spud.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55No bother, Christine.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Beth, come here.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07(What is it?)
0:19:07 > 0:19:11What's the chances of another one of those wee pink wafer biscuits?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Mum!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- CATHY:- # I shot the sheriff... #
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- What is it?- Ask Dad if I can borrow a pair of his boxer shorts to
0:19:24 > 0:19:26sleep in, would you?
0:19:26 > 0:19:27What are you doing?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I'm waiting on bloody Cathy coming out the loo.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Have you got a spare pair of boxer shorts?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I'm not that desperate.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37# I shot the sheriff. # Bathroom's free, Eric.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Beth, got any cotton buds?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I've been through there trying to clean my ears with a kirby grip.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- Mum!- Coming, Ian!
0:19:45 > 0:19:49# But I didn't shoot the deputy. #
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Ian, I told you to open the window.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Sophie, are you not choked with the smell of the paint?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56No, it's fine. Ian's farts are blocking it out.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Hey!- So, the two of you are all right in here, then?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Yeah. You didn't waste much time gutting this place.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- It's still your room, Ian.- Aye, just with none of my stuff left in it.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Don't be daft, it'll always be yours.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Ooooh! I'm sleeping in Ian's room.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Sophie, shh, or we'll have your mother up here checking nothing's going on.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16"My Sophie sleeping in a boy's room? Oh, no, no, no.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- "I'm not happy about this at all." - Shh, Sophie!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Christine, Christine, she's trying to turn me.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- Help, I'm on the turn! - Shush, you two, that's enough.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- CATHY:- Beth!!- "Oh, and as for that Cathy Whyte..."
0:20:29 > 0:20:31What is it, Cathy?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- Have you got a lamp?- A lamp?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I want to do some dancing in the mirror. I don't like the big light.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Look, Cathy, do you not think it's time you just went to your bed?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- I don't know about you, but I am shattered.- Are you?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43- Yes!- How come?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Oh, Cathy, just get to your bed.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- No.- Cathy, bed!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I don't want to go to bed!
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- Bed, Cathy, now!- Oh, God.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54BANGING
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Stop it, Cathy!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Now settle down!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Oh, dear God in heaven.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I've never been so glad to get to my bed in my life.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10If Christine shouts you in the night, just ignore her.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11She'll not shout.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- How do you know?- She's got her mobile. She said she'll just ring me
0:21:15 > 0:21:17if she needs anything.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Good night.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Night.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29SHE SNORES
0:21:30 > 0:21:32SNORING
0:21:35 > 0:21:37CAR APPROACHING
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- VOICE MESSAGE:- Hiya, Ian here, leave me a message after the beep
0:21:43 > 0:21:45and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50HE TRIES TO WHISTLE
0:21:50 > 0:21:51HE BLOWS AIR
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Ian! Ian!
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- Oh, hiya.- Oh, it's you. You triggered my sensor there.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I thought it was a fox, turns out it's a human being.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Right.- What's going on?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I'm just trying to see if Ian's in.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Not better just phoning him? - He's not picking up.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Oh, I see. Yous have had a wee fall out?
0:22:20 > 0:22:25- Well, yeah.- Aw, dear, I sympathise with you.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Right, cheers.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Me and Cathy had a wee set to and all.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34- Oh, right, OK.- Well, it was... It was a misunderstanding.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36It was quite serious, actually.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I had to cook my own tea.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- Right.- Still, I shouldn't burden you with it.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44- Yeah, I've kind of got enough... - See, what it is, Cathy's annoyed at me because I've been
0:22:44 > 0:22:47watching a wee mucky film or two on the old laptop, know what I mean?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Listen, it was none of your weird stuff. It was just...
0:22:50 > 0:22:53just two lassies in a corner bath.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57I mean, who doesnae watch it? Well, it would be two guys with you wouldn't it?
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Probably in a gym, with baseball caps and designer underpants.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Well, I don't know, you tell me.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07But anyway, Cathy, basically, has got it in her head that
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I shouldn't be doing that stuff while we're trying for a baby.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13But see, I read on the internet that it's better to make sure that
0:23:13 > 0:23:17it's all flowing, you know - that it's coming out the boiler
0:23:17 > 0:23:20and up through your pipes and into your radiator.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23And radiators, as we know, need
0:23:23 > 0:23:26to be bled to keep them working.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30And hey, you know, that's all I was doing, you know.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I'm just bleeding my own radiator.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Ian! Ian! It's me!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- What do you want?- Just let me in.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Go home, I'll text you in the morning.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Ian, I'm sorry! Just let me in, I want to talk to you.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Right, OK.- Just before you do that.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Listen, I'm sorry to interrupt, but you wouldn't happen to know
0:23:53 > 0:23:54if Cathy's awake, would you?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Look, I don't know, she's in the other bedroom.- Ian!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- Who's that?- Sophie. - What's she doing in there?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01She had to come in beside me because Christine's on the airbed.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Christine's on the airbed?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Christine's on the airbed, Sophie's in with me,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07and Cathy's in the other room.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Cath!
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Don't even look at me! You're disgusting, you're a pervert.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Aw, hiya, Jaz. Have you had your hair cut?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Cath, come on back to the house.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I'm not talking to him.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Jaz, tell her.- What?!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Tell her what I told you. She'll no' listen to me.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30He's been bleeding his radiator.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32That sperm was for Egypt, Col.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Look, I'm coming down.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Why can't you just chill out about stuff?
0:24:42 > 0:24:43I'm sorry.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Look, I know I'm a nightmare sometimes
0:24:46 > 0:24:48and I know I get stressed about stuff, and I'm really sorry
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I shouted at you when you switched the lava lamp off.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54And I'm sorry I put your polo shirt in the tumble drier.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58- Jaz, I...- But I only make a fuss because I care,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01because... Cos, well, I love you.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Come here.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I was just saying... And there you go.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30You all done now?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- Don't let him in!- Cathy, shhh!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I'm not joking. Don't let him anywhere near me!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- What's going on? - You're all right, Christine, on you go back to your bed.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Just beat it, Christine!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Oh, I beg your pardon?!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I think they just need a couple of minutes to themselves.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48It's very complicated. Something about sperm in Egypt, Christine.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Mum, go back to bed.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53There's fucking Sophie wakened up now, as well.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- Get back to your bed, Sophie! - No.- What?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59No! Stop telling me what to do.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- How dare you.- You just go...
0:26:01 > 0:26:04After the day I've had with a ceiling falling on me and everything...
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Mum, just go to bed.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07..and you dare to speak to your mother like that!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Shh, shh, shh! What in God's name is going on?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Beth, it's awful. Colin has forced his way into the house
0:26:13 > 0:26:15and he's wakened up Christine.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16(Hiya, Mrs Baird.)
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Come on, Cathy. Come on back to the house.- Right, bed!
0:26:19 > 0:26:20I've said I'm sorry.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:26:23 > 0:26:26SHUT UP!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Just everybody, shut up.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Sophie, your mum's just looking out for you.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Christine, you're her mum, but she's practically a grown woman,
0:26:35 > 0:26:39so just put a sock in it once in a while.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Cathy, Colin's said he's sorry and he's not going to do it again.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Are you Colin?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45No.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- Say it.- What?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Promise me. Say,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52"I will never wank again." Say it.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I will never wank again.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Smashing. And you two?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- We're fine.- Top marks.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15So, can we all, for God's sake,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17just get to our beds?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Ooh!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37KNOCK ON DOOR
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- Are you two awake? - BOTH: Yes!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Listen, thanks for sorting all that out.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43That's all right.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46You know you can stay here whenever you want.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48You're always welcome, pet.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56- Wayhey!- God almighty. What are you doing, ya clown?!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- Come on, out. - What's going on, what's going on?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- Nothing, Cathy. - Oh!- Come on, shift it.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- Dad, I'm just getting comfy. - Pillow fight!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06CATHY CHEERS
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- Ian! Stop it.- The pair of you,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12that's enough noise to wake everybody up!
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Oh!
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Oh! Ya bastard!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Beth!
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# I can't see me loving nobody
0:28:29 > 0:28:33# But you for all my life
0:28:33 > 0:28:36# When you're with me, baby
0:28:36 > 0:28:38# The skies will be blue
0:28:38 > 0:28:42# For all my life... #