0:00:03 > 0:00:05Just beep the horn.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Give her a minute.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08Beep the horn!
0:00:10 > 0:00:13- HE BEEPS THE HORN QUICKLY - That is not a beep.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18HORN BLARES Oh, for goodness' sake! I'm coming!
0:00:18 > 0:00:21HORN CONTINUES TO BLARE
0:00:26 > 0:00:28That is a beep.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Thanks. Now, you really think this is all right?
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- It's fine.- I was going to buy a spider plant,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35but it's not really a house warming, is it?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I mean cos it's Jaz's flat and Ian's moving in to it,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- which is sort of different, isn't it?- Look, Beth, relax.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43You're right. OK.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Now, honestly, you really think this top's OK?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46It's lovely.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- Where you going? - I'm going to get changed.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53HORN BLARES
0:01:00 > 0:01:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Right, I've locked the back door, I've shut the blinds in the hall
0:01:13 > 0:01:15and I've flushed the rest of that soup down the toilet.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Oh, that's lovely.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- Are you sure you'll be OK? - Aye, you away and enjoy yourself.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Are you watching the tennis later?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25US Open - Andy Murray's in the final.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Tennis? I've no interest in tennis.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- You like Wimbledon, though. - Oh, I love Wimbledon.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Right, that's me. I won't be too late.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Where is it you're going again?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- Just going into town.- Who with?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Lauren.- Lauren?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Yeah, you know Lauren, the one with the piercings.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Oh, ho-ho. Wee Jingle Bells.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Tell her I'm asking for her.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Right, OK.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51You away and enjoy yourself.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You're young, I suppose you should be out and about
0:01:54 > 0:01:56doing your own thing.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57I'll be back about 11.00.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Half ten.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- Freedom! Are they away? - Aye, it's just us.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Andy, Andy, Andy! Here, what do you think?
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Oh, very good.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Are you just yourself or is Papa Smurf on his way an' all?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I've not used these since we went to Sweden.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25- What a laugh, honestly. Did I tell you about it, Eric?- Yeah.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Oh, it was something else.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29There was about 70 of us,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32all wi' our kilts on, our faces plastered with paint,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35and we're charging down the main street of Stockholm shouting...
0:02:35 > 0:02:38# We're the famous Tartan Army And we've come to ride you raw
0:02:38 > 0:02:40# Ride you raw
0:02:40 > 0:02:42# Ride you raaaw. # What a laugh.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44And then all the wee Swedish lassies,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- they're running away up the side streets.- Bloody hell.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Well, I suppose that's the thing about going commando, you know.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I mean, some folk can find it a bit intimidating.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- INTERCOM RINGS - Ian! That's them, they're here!
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Well, answer it!
0:03:00 > 0:03:01- Hello?- 'Jaz?'
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- Is that Dominos? Is that my pizza? - 'Hurry up, it's raining.'
0:03:05 > 0:03:07OK, it was just a joke.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I know it's raining, I'll buzz you in now.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Will I stick these in the oven now? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17No! Actually, actually, yeah.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19No, no, no. Actually...
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Oh, for God's sake. Are you all right?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Shit!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- The candle in the toilet! - It's all right, I did it.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29OK, good. Do I look OK?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- You look great. - Not too X Factor?- No!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34And like, sweat patches?
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Nope, all good.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38OK. OK.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47- Hi.- Hello.- Hi.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Hiya.- Oh, look at you, Jaz.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Look at him, Beth. I like the T-shirt.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57He's like one of the wee boy-bandies off the X Factor, isn't he?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Oh, give us a hug.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Oh, God, you're sweating, Jaz, get away from me!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I've got body glitter on.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Oh, this is lovely. Isn't this nice, Cathy?
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Oh, uh-huh.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- I wouldn't have put you in a place like this, Jaz.- No?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16No. It's really nice!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- So, how are you doing?- I'm fine.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Keeping the place tidy for you, is he, Jaz?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- See his room at home!- Mum!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Oh, you should have seen the state of it.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Damp towels, half eaten plates of food everywhere.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30And as for the bedsheets, I mean,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- you could have stood them up on their end.- Right!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35What do you want, a drink first or the guided tour?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- Tour.- Drink!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41MOBILE BEEPS
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Oh, that's Cath texting to say that's them arrived at Ian's.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Oh, right.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Aye. I always get her to send me a wee line
0:04:48 > 0:04:50when she uses one of those private taxis.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I mean, two women like that in the back of your cab, Eric.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- Aye.- Well, one.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59So did Ian manage to get all his stuff shifted all right?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Aye, aye, didn't need the van in the end.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Well, there you go - you lost a son, but you've saved yourself £45.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Be a difficult time, though. Are you, you bearing up?
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Aye, no' too bad.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Beth's the one that's really taking it sore, you know?
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Oh, aye, she would. I mean, she's stuck in the house with you all day.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17I'll tell you one person
0:05:17 > 0:05:20who's absolutely heartbroken to see him go. Cathy.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Aw, that's nice. - She's all right now.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25She's found someone else to wash her car.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29There you go.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- It's an ideal place, this, Jaz, for entertaining.- Oh, isn't it?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Though weirdly, I've never really had any parties or stuff.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I did get broken into while I was on holiday and some junkies had a kind
0:05:39 > 0:05:42of rave in it for a few days, but that doesn't really count, does it?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Well, it's very nice.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Lovely, very classy.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Beth, there's a toilet bag in here that's full of condoms!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Are you warm enough, Mrs Baird?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Och, I'm fine.- Cos if you're not, I can put the heating on.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- Oh, gosh, no!- Oh, is it too hot? It is quite hot.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02I'll open a window.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04So what's Dad up to tonight then?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07He's got Colin over to watch the tennis.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08- Oh, he'll enjoy that.- Uh-huh.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Well, the tennis anyway.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Not too draughty on your neck, is it, Mrs Baird?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I'm fine. Come on, sit down, relax.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Sorry, sorry.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Oh, it's freezing in here!
0:06:18 > 0:06:19I knew it, I knew it!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23So, have you met any of the neighbours yet?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Not yet, no. They're all pretty all right, though.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Oh, yeah. I've never really had any problems, but then I've always
0:06:28 > 0:06:30sort of kept myself to myself, to be honest.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31That's the best way, Jaz.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34There's nothing worse than overbearing neighbours.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Did you see him in the semis, Murray?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Aye, tremendous.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- With that big flag, eh?- Aye.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Oh, he's a great ambassador for Scotland.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Show the world we're no' just a load of penny-pinching couch potatoes.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Absolutely! Look, I've got 10% off at the Taj.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Let's phone in a curry.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Oh, no. Look, I can't have a curry.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Eh?- No, honestly, I can't. It's this diet.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Oh, I see.- Aye. I go back in next week to get weighed
0:07:01 > 0:07:02and get my cholesterol checked.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Beth'll kill me if I start ordering takeaways.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Oh, fair enough, fair enough. I respect that.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Look, I don't want to put temptation in your way.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Do you mind if I just get myself one?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Aw, no, you're joking!- What is it?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21It doesn't start until ten o'clock.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25So are you still off work with the stress, Jaz, yeah?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- Yeah.- I've had that.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Have you?- Stress? Oh, yes.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31How long were you off for?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Oh, I've never had a job. Christ, no!
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Stress is a killer, though, Jaz. You look after yourself.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40You take the time to look after number one,
0:07:40 > 0:07:44stop running about making sure everyone else is OK.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Do you know what, you're right. That's exactly what I'm going to do.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- Go on through to the kitchen and get us some more ice, would you?- OK.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53And you've got everything you need?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- What like?- Kitchen stuff, bedding...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Aw, Mum, Jaz's already got all that stuff here.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- You two getting on all right? - Yes!- I'm only asking.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I remember fine well when I moved in with your dad.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07That was no Swiss picnic, I can tell you.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I was only 20.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I'd never seen a grown man with the meat sweats before,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14much less shared a bed with them.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Look, Mum, everything's fine, there's nothing to worry about.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I'm fine, we're fine, the flat's fine.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Now, for goodness' sake, just chill out, would you?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23HIP-HOP BLARES
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Usher, Beth. Beth, Usher!
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Cathy!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29# Usher, Usher, Usher
0:08:29 > 0:08:31# Let's go!
0:08:31 > 0:08:32# Yeah, yeah, yeah. #
0:08:34 > 0:08:36That's the time difference, you see, Eric.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38When Cathy and I were in Dubai,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41it was half past four in the afternoon and here it was...
0:08:41 > 0:08:43well, it was a completely different time.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Christ, if I'd known it was starting in the middle of the night,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- I'd have just gone to my bed. - Aye, but think about it, though,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51this is us getting a chance to spend some time
0:08:51 > 0:08:54in each other's company, a bit of boys' time.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- Aye?- Aye!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58This is us doing what we should be doing, Eric.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02The two males in the pack, the two great apes,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04two big silverbacks,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07relaxing after a hard day in the jungle, you know,
0:09:07 > 0:09:11eating bananas and chasing wee frogs
0:09:11 > 0:09:13and using our quiet time
0:09:13 > 0:09:16to sit down and chill,
0:09:16 > 0:09:20and groom ourselves before the tennis comes on.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- This is murder, isn't it? - It is, aye.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39I know what we could do.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Where's the keys to the hut?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45# Cos the players gonna play, play, play, play, play... #
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I'll go and check that stuff in the oven.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50# Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
0:09:50 > 0:09:53# I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
0:09:53 > 0:09:55# Shake it off, shake it off... #
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Oh.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Oh, God, no, Cathy!!
0:10:02 > 0:10:03- Wait, I'll get a basin.- No, no, no.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05SHE GAGS
0:10:06 > 0:10:08No, it's away.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10# Shake it off... #
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Sit forward, I'm going to high kick over your head. Oh!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16# Shake it off, shake it off
0:10:17 > 0:10:19# Shake it off, shake it off... #
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Right, this'll help kill a bit of time for us.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- You no' got any tighter ones? - Aye, all right.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36OK, who's serving first?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38In fact, wait a wee minute, let's do this properly.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Wee drink of barley water before we start.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Hydration, Eric?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Well, maybe just a wee sip, eh.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- Wee wave up to the royal box. Come on.- Oh, for...
0:10:53 > 0:10:56All right, Liz! Here, Kate and Wills up there too.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Here, Kate, where's that wee sister of yours?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Can we get on with it? - Aye, all right, all right.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Quiet, please.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Quiet, please.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Senor White to serve.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15GLASS SHATTERS
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Oh, shit.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22# Not sitting down... #
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Right, you've had your fun.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Come on, sit down, we'll have a nice chat.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29How do you think it's going?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Fine, yeah, good. - Do you think your mum's OK?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Is she having a good time? - Of course she is.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I just really want to make sure she enjoys herself.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38For goodness' sake, just relax, would you?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40She's fine, you don't need to fuss.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44OK. OK. You're right, actually.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47God, I don't know why I get so stressed,
0:11:47 > 0:11:48it always works out in the end, doesn't it?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Yeah. Can you give us a hand?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53DOOR BELL RINGS
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Hi.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Hi.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Erm, I'm really sorry to be a pain,
0:12:03 > 0:12:07but would you mind just turning the music down a tiny bit?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08- Sorry?- I hate to ask,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10it's just that it is a tiny bit loud.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13And the thumping on the floor is a bit...
0:12:15 > 0:12:16A bit...?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Well, it's just that we've got a baby downstairs
0:12:19 > 0:12:22and we've only just managed to get her to sleep.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25No, look it's fine, but
0:12:25 > 0:12:28if you could just turn it down a bit, then I'd really appreciate it.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31OK. Thanks.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37SHE SCOFFS
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Who was that?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Cathy! Who was that?
0:12:44 > 0:12:51I have never been spoken to like that...in my life!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Cathy!
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Em...
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Can you see it?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I think so. Come on.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- Come on what?- Come on, we'll go and get it.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- Are you joking?- I'm no' joking.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Christ, we cannae go creeping around folk's gardens at this
0:13:09 > 0:13:11time of night - we're grown men.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12But that's our ball.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15HE SIGHS DEEPLY
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Where's Cathy?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Oh, hello again.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Hi...
0:13:50 > 0:13:52GATE CREEKS Shh!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06It's not a fox, Sophie.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Christ, I know they're smart, but they're no' at the stage
0:14:08 > 0:14:12of getting up on their back legs and opening fucking gates.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- Have you got it?- Aye.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Right, come on.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Oh, shit. Christ!
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Breathe in, your belly's casting a shadow on the slabs.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Aw, she's coming oot. What are we going to say?
0:14:34 > 0:14:35It's OK, I'll...
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Who's there?
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Christine!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Aaah!
0:14:44 > 0:14:48I am a very tolerant person.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- Look, all I was... YELLS:- I want to talk!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I am a very, tolerant person,
0:14:57 > 0:15:01but the way you behaved up there was an absolute disgrace.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I'm sorry. It's just, it's because of the baby...
0:15:06 > 0:15:07The baby.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- MOCKING:- The baby, the baby, the baby!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12She's got a baby, everyone. She's got a baby!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Huh, give her a round of applause.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Oh, but do it quietly in case you wake the baby up.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Baby, baby...
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# Oh, baby, baby! #
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Ba-ba-ba, bb. Shhh!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27She has got a baby!
0:15:27 > 0:15:28What's going on?
0:15:28 > 0:15:32I'm really sorry, guys, I just asked for the music down a little bit.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35They're gay, of course the music's going to be loud.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Listen, that's no problem, we'll turn it down.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- Everything all right? - It's the wooden floors, Mrs Baird.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I didn't want to ask you to take your shoes off.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I could have given you a pair of towelling mules.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- EMOTIONAL:- Beth, I'm so glad you're here.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49What on earth's the matter, Cathy?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Well, she is bullying me with her baby
0:15:52 > 0:15:54and he's talking about slippers.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Oh, for God's sake, Cathy!
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Look, we'll turn it down. Sorry for any hassle.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00NEIGHBOUR: Goodnight then.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Oh, God, you're all the same, aren't you?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Dragging your buggies into coffee shops
0:16:05 > 0:16:08and having all your milk heated up in microwaves.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10What about us?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12What about if we wanted something heated up?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I like things that are heated up,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17but if it was up to you, I wouldn't be allowed,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I wouldn't be allowed, and everything I like would be cold.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24- I'm just going to...- Sorry. - No, no worries.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Right, come on, let's get back upstairs.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I'll get the kettle on and we'll all have a nice cup of tea.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Or another drink.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38She's an absolute bitch, Beth.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43- She's a total and absolute bitch. - Shhh. Cathy, come on, back up.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48You need to get her evicted. She's evil.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52You have EVIL on your doorstep.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59A bloody baseball bat! You could have fractured my skull.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Aye, if I'd connected properly.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05It was just a wee accident. There's no harm done.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07My heart's going like a box of frogs.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08I need a seat.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Aye, you get sat down -
0:17:10 > 0:17:12takes a lot out of you battering folk in the face.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17Excuse me! I got the fright of my life.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Oh, oh, oh, I think I'm taking a pure adrenaline rush.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23You're all right, Christine, away back through to your house
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- and get a wee glass of water. - A glass of water?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27It's not a glass of water I'm needing,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30it's two Valium and a fresh pair of knickers.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I tell you what, Eric, come on, let's get you under the light in
0:17:33 > 0:17:35the kitchen and I can have a proper look at you.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37See if you're all right.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- What?- You got the key?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- Mum, did you?- Um...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Aw, shit.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Oh, ya bastard!
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Is it sore?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59No, it's tickly. In fact, I might see
0:17:59 > 0:18:01if she'll hit me another crack to get rid of the itch.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Listen, Eric, that could've been a lot worse.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04- Could it?- Oh, aye.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07If I hadn't ducked out the road, I'd have taken it square on.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Oh, well, as long as you're all right.- Oh, come on.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Now, look, we're in this together, we're a team.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- And when is it your turn to take one?- I already have.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- Have you?- Aye. I got a right eyeful
0:18:17 > 0:18:19when her dressing gown flapped open at the front.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- Horrific.- Oh!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Ach, you're fine. Now listen,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26we need to do something to get her out of here.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28If she hears that we've got a curry on the way
0:18:28 > 0:18:31and that we're sitting up, Christ, we'll never get shot of her!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Right, Christine.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38That's me examined him, and I reckon he's all right.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41He just needs a bit of the old R&R.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42I was just thinking,
0:18:42 > 0:18:46I've got a couple of pain killers next door that you are welcome to.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49The vet gave me them for when that big German Shepherd
0:18:49 > 0:18:52we had came back from getting its knackers off.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55But provided you don't take them on an empty stomach, they're fine.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58No, you're all right.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I'm just going to go up to my bed.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Aye. Come on now, Christine, I'll need to get him upstairs
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- and into his jammies.- Eh? Oh, aye...
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Into your old jim jams and snuggle down.
0:19:10 > 0:19:16Oh, well, I'll just leave the pair of you to it then, eh?
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Goodnight.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Here, Colin, you couldnae see me to my door, could you?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I don't like being out on my own in the dark.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27You've nothing to worry about, Christine.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Takeaway.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Oh, thanks very much, son.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35On you go, Colin.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- If only I'd left that window open. - Why did you shut it?
0:19:40 > 0:19:41You asked him to!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Ah! I...
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Oh, so I did.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Sorry, Ian, I never thought.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I just let the door shut behind me. I wasn't thinking.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Mum, honestly, don't worry about it.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57No point blaming yourself, Beth, it's nobody's fault.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Well, it sort of is actually, Cathy, when you think about it.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Sorry?- Well, it is someone's fault, isn't it?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Oh, you're right, Ian.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11That cow downstairs owes you an apology big time.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Huh?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17As I say, normally I don't take a curry
0:20:17 > 0:20:21but I'll try a wee bit of this one seeing as you're offering.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Have you no' got a bit of naan for dunking in that sauce, no?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- That's the lot, I'm afraid, Christine.- That's funny,
0:20:28 > 0:20:32I counted five foil cartons in that bag.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44Oh! Oh, spicy that, isn't it?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I'll need a wee glass of milk to wash that down,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49take the heat oot all the things in my gullet.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Are you not having any, Eric, no? - No. I'm on a diet.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Aw, that's a shame.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Oh, just rip a bit off of that for me, will you there?
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Just...just shove it on the side of my plate. Dirty big naan, eh?
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Is this the Taj, is it?- It is, aye.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Normally, I don't like their stuff,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12but I'm actually quite enjoying this.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14SHE GIGGLES DOOR BELL RINGS
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Oh, who the hell?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Colin, you go, will you?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Oh-ho-ho, soft as you like, Eric.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26It's just grabbing onto that sauce like a sponge!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Sophie.- Hi, Mr Whyte. Is my mum here?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Aye, she's through here, pet. - Oh, oh.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35There she is. Oh, thank God you're here, Sophie.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Mum, are you all right?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39No, no really. I've had a terrible fright.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Oh, my adrenaline's away up.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Christine, you not going manage that?
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Leave it! Oh, dear. Oh.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52SLURRED SINGING
0:21:52 > 0:21:54SHE HICCUPS
0:21:56 > 0:22:00SLURRED SINGING
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Is that all right for you, Sophie?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I'm no' really hungry.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Whatever she doesn't eat I'll have.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Mind you, she's got to be careful -
0:22:19 > 0:22:22anything too spicy, she'll shit like a pup.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Here, look. Eric couldn't resist.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- Greedy bastard.- Mum!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- SHE BREAKS WIND - Oh, dear.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I'll sweat in ma bed tonight, I'll tell you. Brr!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Are you sure you don't mind us staying?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38You're not phoning a 24-hour locksmith.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Especially not at this time of night.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Just come in, stay as long as you like.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Right. Thanks, Cathy.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Mr Baird won't mind us disturbing him, will he, Mrs Baird?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Ach, no, they'll just be sitting watching the tennis.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56So, did you have a good evening then, eh?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Em, yeah.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Wee Jingle Bells all right, is she?
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Aye, she's fine.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03What's that on your neck?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05DOOR OPENS Hello, it's me.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Oh, for... Sophie, take this quick.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Ach, shit!
0:23:11 > 0:23:12What's going on?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Oh, here she is.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16You're back early, are you no'?
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Never mind that, what's all this?
0:23:17 > 0:23:21It's just a few wee snacks. I'm no' having any.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Oh, lying wee monkey!
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Oh, Colin, it's been a nightmare.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31You've no idea what I've been through tonight.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Smells nice.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Oh, there he is, my wee pal, Jaz.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Come on, Jaz, you sit yourself down here.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Have a bit of this naan.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49You got bicarbonate of soda, Beth, lift this tikka masala?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Sophie's got most of the lamb up.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Eric. Kitchen, now!
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Is it coming off?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I think that's going to stain.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Serves her right for having such a light-coloured fucking rug.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07What's been going on?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09What do you mean what's been going on?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I go out for the night and come back to the place
0:24:11 > 0:24:15looking like a bomb-site, Christine tucking in to a curry and...
0:24:15 > 0:24:16What's happened to your face?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- There was an accident. - What sort of an accident?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Christine hit me in the face with a baseball bat.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24SHE GASPS INCREDULOUSLY Why did she do that?
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Oh, it's a long story.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Well, tell me it - especially the bit where Christine hits
0:24:28 > 0:24:29you on the face with a baseball bat.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Look, all I wanted was a quiet night in,
0:24:31 > 0:24:35sat down in front of the telly watching the tennis, that's all!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- But instead... Well, instead... - Eric!
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Eric, that's it started!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I give up, I really do!
0:24:44 > 0:24:45- TV:- '..of all time.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49'It's a Grand Slam final at the US Open between Murray
0:24:49 > 0:24:51'and Djokovic.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53'Quiet, please.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54'Murray to serve.'
0:24:58 > 0:25:00No, it's fine, Jaz, I'll get it.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Come on, Andy! - Come on Andy, Andy, Andy!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- I don't like that mother of his. - Shh!
0:25:08 > 0:25:09'Out.'
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Oh, that was in, in, in, in! Oh!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16'..go to the Hawk-Eye challenge.'
0:25:16 > 0:25:20ALL: Ooooh... Oh!
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Referee!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23'The ball was out.'
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- Beth, can I just get a wee dribble of vodka?- No.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Judy Murray, isn't it?
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Judy Murray, aye.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Oh, Judy Murray it is, aye.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Awfully strict with that boy of hers.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I mean, she's had him wi' a racket in his hand
0:25:39 > 0:25:41since he was that height.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44What kind of childhood must he have had?
0:25:45 > 0:25:50- I cannae be bothered with tennis, really, Jaz.- Mm.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- I like Wimbledon. - I love Wimbledon.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Is that lifting, Beth?
0:25:55 > 0:25:56I think it is...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Shhh!
0:25:58 > 0:26:03Boris Becker. Remember...remember him? I liked Boris Becker.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Beth, you liked Boris Becker, didn't you?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- Did I?- She did.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10She said to me she liked the blonde hairs on his legs.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Eh! Jaz, Jaz, Jaz.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15She did, him and Alan Shearer.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18She told me at Aqua Aerobics.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Shush!
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- THEY CHEER - Come on, Serena!
0:26:26 > 0:26:27- What happened to your face, Dad?- Eh?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- What happened to your face? - Ah, I'll tell you after.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31She hit him with a baseball bat.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33She what? Why did she do that?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35He was in my garden.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37What were you doing in her garden?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Eric? Colin!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42We were trying to get our ball back.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43What ball?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46The swingball ball.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Swingball?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50We were out playing swingball and I hit the swingball ball,
0:26:50 > 0:26:54and it came off the bit of string and flew into Christine's garden.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57We went to get it and she came out to see who it was.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Look, can we just watch this?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04You want to have seen it.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07She came out, right, with her dressing gown
0:27:07 > 0:27:09and the baseball bat, right?
0:27:09 > 0:27:14So, I goes to say hello and she swings it.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I ducks down and it...it batters him!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19THEY LAUGH
0:27:19 > 0:27:22It bat... It batters him straight in the face!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Fuck this.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Oh, Eric, where are you going?
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Bed.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Here, if you have any trouble getting to sleep,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43I've got something next door that'll knock you right out.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45THEY LAUGH
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Come on, Andy!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59RADIO: '..on Murray.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02'Another unforced error from Murray.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03'Another game to Djokovic.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07'Andy Murray now trails three games to love in the first set
0:28:07 > 0:28:09'of this US Open final.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11'And an afternoon that began with such hope is
0:28:11 > 0:28:13'turning into a nightmare.'
0:28:13 > 0:28:16HE SIGHS DEEPLY
0:28:16 > 0:28:18What a laugh!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# I'm like a rubber ball, baby
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# That's all that I am to you
0:28:22 > 0:28:25# Bouncy, bouncy Bouncy, bouncy
0:28:25 > 0:28:29# Just a rubber ball cos you think you can be true to two
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# Bouncy, bouncy Bouncy, bouncy
0:28:31 > 0:28:35# You bounce my heart around
0:28:35 > 0:28:38# You don't even put her down
0:28:38 > 0:28:39# But like a rubber ball
0:28:39 > 0:28:42# I come bouncing back to you
0:28:42 > 0:28:46# Rubber ball I'll come bouncing back to you-ou. #