0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:07- ON TV:- 'Springwatch starts on Sunday, 23rd May on BBC Two.'
0:00:07 > 0:00:09PHONE RINGS Aw, for..
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Hello?
0:00:14 > 0:00:17- 'Hi, it's me.'- Oh, hello, me(!)
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Listen, what about a short-sleeved shirt?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21- What about it?- For your birthday!
0:00:21 > 0:00:24How? Can you not afford one with long sleeves?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Eric, you need a short-sleeved shirt.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28'Look, Beth, I told you - you don't have to bother.'
0:00:28 > 0:00:30I don't want anything.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- Oh, they've got some nice linen ones.- I've got a linen shirt!
0:00:33 > 0:00:37- What? That stripy one? - 'Uh-huh.'- No, that is horrendous!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- What's wrong with it?- You look like Jocky Wilson on safari!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42HE SIGHS Listen, I told you!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44- I don't want anything! - Or a fleece!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- I don't...- 'Oh, or a body warmer?'
0:00:47 > 0:00:49They've got reversible body warmers!
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- And what am I going to do with one of them?!- Um, turn it inside out?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55'Honestly, Beth, you don't need to worry. It's fine.'
0:00:55 > 0:00:57The best present you can get me is
0:00:57 > 0:01:00a bit of bloody peace and quiet - that'll do me!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03I don't know why I bother, honestly! See you later.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Aye, see you later. No hurry. Take your time.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Ah...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14- ON TV:- '..Eggheads in 45 minutes.'
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- DOORBELL RINGS Oh, dear God!- 'But before that,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19'another game of Pointless Celebrities.'
0:01:19 > 0:01:20TV OFF, HE SIGHS DEEPLY
0:01:22 > 0:01:26We've come to talk to you about the role of religion in your life.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27SHE CACKLES Ha-ha!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29It's funny you should say that.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I was just saying a wee prayer to myself on the way to the door.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Ha-ha!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36(Unfortunately, it wisnae answered.)
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Aw, are we interrupting you having your dinner?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Well...- What are you having?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- Aw, just a shepherd's pie thing. - Aw, gads!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- I've no' long just had mine, in't that right, Cath?- Aye.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Cooked him a steak.- She did.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Ribeye!- It was beautiful!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Wee pool of blood round it.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I says to Catherine, she put it down,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"A good vet could get that back on its feet."
0:02:15 > 0:02:16THEY LAUGH
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- Where's Beth? - Er, she's at the shops.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Aw, late-night shopping!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Why did she not say? I could've gone with her!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- Eric... - HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:02:25 > 0:02:30- What's this?- Now, I know it's not till tomorrow, but that's from us.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Happy birthday, Eric!- Oh.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Oh?- Oh, sorry.- Ha-ha!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36SHE GIGGLES Och, you didn't need to, honestly!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38We wanted to!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Well, SHE did. I'd forgotten all about it.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42I always remember your birthday, Eric.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46It's exactly nine days before the date we had the Alsatians put down.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Now, I know we usually get together on your birthday,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51but this year, unfortunately, we can't.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Aw, that's a shame!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- We're away sailing tomorrow, aren't we, Col?- Sailing!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57That's right.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58In a boat.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00On the sea!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02On a boat. On the sea.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Oh, right, aye.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Well, it's very kind, but you shouldn't have bothered, honestly.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Do you no want to see what it is?! - I kind of know what it is.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10But do you now?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Could be anything in there!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- SHE LAUGHS:- Let's have a look.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- COLIN AND CATH GIGGLE - What is it?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20What's in the bag? Here, let me look.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Oh...
0:03:24 > 0:03:27A beautiful bottle of wine.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Now, you'll enjoy that.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32It's...it's kind of fruity, but it's no' too fruity.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37It's smoky, but no' too smoky and it's woody, but...
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Well, anyway, a glass of that, along with a tin of macaroni,
0:03:40 > 0:03:41it's beautiful.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- Actually, I'm not drinking at the moment.- You...?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- HE GASPS - Say again?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- I'm off the drink. - You're not drinking?- No.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- You're not drinking ANYTHING?- No. - Not even a beer in the morning?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55There's more calories in booze than there is in food.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57You're not drinking ANYTHING?
0:03:57 > 0:03:58My doctor said to try it.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I've lost three pounds already.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Really?!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05And here's us bringing you a bottle of wine! Dear me!
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Well, never mind. I mean, you can keep it for a special occasion,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- like a...like a celebration, can't he, Cath?- Aye.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Like when he starts drinking again.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14COLIN LAUGHS
0:04:14 > 0:04:15DOORBELL RINGS
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Here, you get it, Eric. We'll sit down.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- Hiya, Dad.- Oh, it's you!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- Hello, Mr Baird!- Aye.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- We just came to drop this off. - Oh, right.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Oh, look who it is!
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Hiya, Ian! Mwah! Hiya, Jaz! Mwah!
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- Jaz, have you had your teeth whitened?- Er...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Come on! Come on through!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- Choo-choo!- I...
0:04:40 > 0:04:43HE SIGHS
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Aw, Jaz, you're so cuddly! Look at the two of you!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Two cuddly little gay things!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- We're not interrupting your dinner, are we?- No, no, you're all right.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Her mince is awfy salty.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Do you two want something to drink?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- You got a beer?- No. I've no got any beers.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- Aw, of course - you're off it. - Are you not drinking, Mr Baird?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Not at the moment. - You've got wine, Eric!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Wanting a wee glass of wine, Ian? - Aye, I'll take a glass of wine.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Jaz?- No, I'm driving.- Are you sure? I've got some peppermints in my bag.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15How many days has it been now, Mr Baird?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I've got an uncle that's in AA. He's doing really well.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19He's not wet the bed in three years.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- Er, no, I'm just doing it to lose a bit of weight.- Course you are.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Go and get a bottle opener, Eric.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27My liver thinks my throat's been cut.
0:05:29 > 0:05:35Thanks, driver. As I say, a sad, sad day, but a lovely buffet.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37In fact, if you'll take a tip from me,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39you'll get yersel back down there.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43There's going to be a lot of folk wanting taxis.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Maybe put some plastic doon in the back.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Single malts on top of a lot of pan bread, know what I mean?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Right, Mum, come on. - Right you are, driver!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Right you are. ENGINE STARTS
0:05:52 > 0:05:57# In life and death, O Lord
0:05:57 > 0:06:03# Abide with me. #
0:06:03 > 0:06:06What a lovely day!
0:06:06 > 0:06:09That service was heartbreaking!
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Did you see her on my left roaring and greeting into the hanky?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15She seemed to settle quite quick
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- when they pulled the foil aff that buffet, eh?- Aw, come on!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I'm getting gooseberries aff of that
0:06:22 > 0:06:24and sort of vanilla tones, are you, Cath?
0:06:24 > 0:06:29- Ah! Oh, yeah.- What about you, Ian? - It's all right, yeah, quite nice.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Eric, how's yours?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Fizzy!- Did you I tell you - I gave up the drink once?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- Did you?- Aye. I felt great. - What made you start again?
0:06:40 > 0:06:41I met Cathy.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- Ha-ha-ha!- Ha-ha(!)
0:06:43 > 0:06:47I always said that she had money. Apparently, that nephew of hers
0:06:47 > 0:06:52- was round her like a sandfly. - Mum, please!- Heartless bastard!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55And I will tell him that to his face when I'm down there tomorrow
0:06:55 > 0:06:58picking up that gravy boat the sister promised me.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00What time is it?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02It's still early!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Why don't we go and say a quick hello to Beth?- Aw, no!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Oh, she'll be desperate to see
0:07:07 > 0:07:10that selfie you took of me with the hearse. Come on!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13SHE TUTS
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Are you sure you're not wanting a wee dribble, Jaz, yeah?
0:07:16 > 0:07:17No, I can't. Honestly, I'm driving.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Aw, get a taxi! - Och, leave him, Cath!
0:07:20 > 0:07:24He can get a bit of Eric's Fanta. I tell you - they're like hawks,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- these police, when it comes to drink-driving.- Oh, they are.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I got stopped and breathalysed last year,
0:07:29 > 0:07:30on the way back from the airport!
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- Remember, when we'd been in Florida?- I remember.- Luckily,
0:07:34 > 0:07:38I'd been refused alcohol on the plane, so I was just under. Phew!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40DOORBELL RINGS
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Oh!
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- Hello, Eric. - Christ, is it Halloween? Ha-ha!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52We've been to a funeral, Eric.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Oh, I'm sorry.- It's all right.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- It was a very emotional day, wasn't it, Sophie?- Yup.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- Still, it was her time. - Was it someone very close?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Aye, it was a cousin of my mother's.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07The pair of them were like that, so they were!
0:08:07 > 0:08:09So, I says to Sophie, "This is not going to be easy,
0:08:09 > 0:08:13"but you and me are going to get down there to represent the family
0:08:13 > 0:08:16"and pay our respects to Irene."
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Isobel!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Isobel. Is Beth in, no?
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- Er, no. No, she's out.- It's all right, I'll just let myself in.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Oh, you've got a houseful. If I'd have known that...
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Well, I'd probably still have come across. Ha-ha!
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Hello, everybody.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- Have you been to a funeral, Christine?- Yes, I have indeed.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Aw, has someone died?
0:08:41 > 0:08:45No, we bury folk alive here in Scotland, don't you know(?)
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Whose was it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- SOPHIE:- Och, some woman my gran knew. It was a nightmare!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I've been there since 10 o'clock this morning!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55A sad day, Cathy. Sophie, where's that order of service
0:08:55 > 0:08:59till I talk Cathy through it? Full Latin mass, Cathy.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02My arse was fucking numb!
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Cath, a wee top-up?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Eric?- Er, no, no, I'm fine with the orange.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Aw, what's the matter with you?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- He's on the wagon. - Why are you on the wagon, Eric?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I just decided to lay off it for a while.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18My uncle was always trying to stop, but he couldn't control it.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Aw, well. If it's making you fat,
0:09:20 > 0:09:22and making you spit when you talk, why not?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I've said for years that you've had a problem.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- I don't have a problem!- Honestly, that's exactly what he used to say.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- Oh!- How come you're having to stop, then?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I'm just taking a break from it!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- Oh? How long are you taking a break from it for?- I don't know!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- You'll have one tomorrow, though?- Probably a wee one.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40That's no' much of a break, that!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Well, that's the end of that!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- Open another one.- Aye! You get anything else, Eric?
0:09:48 > 0:09:49- ERIC SIGHS - Oh, here, Eric!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Take that out the road, will you? It's giving me the boak!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Here, I didnae know there was food on the go.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Mind you, we had quite a bit of that buffet. Ha-ha!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I'll maybe take some crisps or something, Eric?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03What about you, Sophie? You want a roll?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- No, thanks.- No, she's fine.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07But I'll take one, with cheese.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Uh-huh.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09No, ham.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13No, cheese AND ham!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Oh? I see someone's enjoying themselves.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Aye! Well, it's no' me!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24CHATTER INSIDE
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- I thought you were having a quiet night?- I was!
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- CHRISTINE:- Where's my roll? - COLIN:- Eric, Christine's roll!
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Quiche, baby chicken satay on skewers,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36sausage rolls, all to the left.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Then your sub rolls with tuna mayonnaise, roast beef
0:10:40 > 0:10:45and horseradish, egg and onion, all to the right, wasn't it, Sophie?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I'm just going to go to the toilet.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49She's taking it awfy sore.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- She's hardly said a word all day, poor thing!- Aw!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- Were they quite close?- Who?
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- Hi, Sophie!- Hi, Mrs Baird. Is it OK if I use your toilet?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- Of course, on you go. - # How great thou art!
0:11:02 > 0:11:05# How great thou art! #
0:11:05 > 0:11:07HE MOUTHS
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- Aw! There she is! - RELIEVED SIGH:- Hiya, Beth!
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Beth, you'll never guess who got planted the day!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Oh, Beth, show us what you got!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Hey, you, ya bandit, wind your neck in!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- I- was talking to her!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I'll give you a clue - it's not Pat fie across the back.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28She's still with us. Mind you, going by the looks of her,
0:11:28 > 0:11:32I think I'd better keep this frock to the front of my wardrobe.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- So who was it?- Isobel!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- Who's Isobel? - A cousin of my mother's!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Well, when I say cousin...
0:11:40 > 0:11:44not really her cousin, more sort of bingo buddies.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51So, I said to Sophie, "This is our chance to say our goodbyes
0:11:51 > 0:11:54"and to give Irene the respect that she deserves."
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- Isobel!- Isobel, that's right.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- Colin?- Oh, hang on, let me finish the decent stuff first.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Mmm!
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Right, fire it in.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Ooft!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Reminds me, I'll need to be getting diesel for the lawnmower. Ha-ha!
0:12:10 > 0:12:11BAG RUSTLES
0:12:11 > 0:12:12CATHY GASPS
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh, wow!
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- Wow-ee!- Och, it's just a wee thing.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I had no idea what to get you! You're a nightmare to buy for!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I'm a grown man, I'm no' needing bloody birthday presents!
0:12:24 > 0:12:29- An electronic photo frame! - Oh, what's this for?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- It's Eric's birthday.- When? Today?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35- Tomorrow. - Aw, happy birthday for tomorrow!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Aw, let's have a wee look.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- We were looking at them, weren't we, Cath?- Were we?- Aye!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42It was the dearer ones, though.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- What is it? - It's a digital picture frame.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47You transfer all the pictures from your phone to it.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- And then what do you do? - Well, you...you look at them.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54So, say I've got a phone, but I don't have any pictures on it?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Well, you wouldn't be able to dae it.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- Aye, I don't want one, then. - What have you two got him?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Come on, don't be shy!
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I saw you giving it to your dad earlier. Come on!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- Aw, that's just...- There it is!
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Ooh!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Aw, you might have wrapped it!
0:13:11 > 0:13:15An electric blanket?! That's the last thing he's needing,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18isn't it, Beth? You said he sweats like a pig as it is!
0:13:18 > 0:13:19It's theirs. They lent it to us.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Ah!- The radiator in our bedroom was knackered, so we borrowed it.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- We actually forgot it was your birthday.- Aw, don't worry about it.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Ian, that's terrible.- He was always an awfy selfish wee boy, that one.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33I gave him vouchers 14 years ago for his Christmas
0:13:33 > 0:13:36and I'm still waiting on a thank you card.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38There's still time! I could nip along to the garage?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40No, no, you don't need to go to the garage.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Make him go to the garage, Eric! Go to the garage, Jaz!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Pick me up 20 Silk Cut silver
0:13:45 > 0:13:47and he could get a bottle of that wine, Col.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- You'll not get that in the garage. - Where'd you get it?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- It's Tesco Finest. - Don't bother, Jaz.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- No, don't bother, just stay where you are.- Oh, boo!
0:13:55 > 0:13:59It's fine! You can come round tomorrow. We're not doing anything.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Cath, Colin? You'll be round tomorrow, will you not?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- We can't tomorrow, Beth. - Er, we're away sailing.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Sailing?- Yup.- On a boat.- On the sea.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09On a boat, on the sea.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Here, Jaz, if you are going to the garage,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13will you bring me a packet of Rennies?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15That quiche is coming back on me.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17SHE BELCHES
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Big lumps of Stilton!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- SHE RETCHES - Oh, I'm getting onion as well.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- You OK, Soph? - CATH:- Come and sit down!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Oh, you poor thing!
0:14:27 > 0:14:30It's all right. She's all right, Christine!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Aw! I know how you're feeling, hmm?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Every dog we've ever had ended up getting put down
0:14:36 > 0:14:39and it never gets any easier!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- I really am sorry, Dad.- It's fine!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Here, Jaz, there's £1.20.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Jaz, I'll gie you the money when you get back, yeah?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- Mrs Baird?- Hang on, Sophie, love.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Beth, give that to Jaz. I don't want to break a fiver.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53He's not going to the garage, Christine!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Why don't we see if we can get a photo on this?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Mrs Baird, can I talk to you for just a minute?
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Hang on a minute, Sophie, love.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Ian, let's get a photo of all of us and see if you can get it onto this.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Where's your phone? - Where'd you get that, Beth?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Did you get it from the wee Chinese place?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Oh, that's a great shop, that! I saw this thing in there.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22It was a hand on the end of a stick and, when you press a button,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24the hand goes like that.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- And what's it for? - Don't know! Going like that!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30So, who do you want?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Oh, take one of me first, Ian, and then get everybody!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- I want a photo of you two. - Us?- Uh-huh!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Eric, take a photo of Ian and Jaz.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Jaz, come on! Ian, give your phone to your dad.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Er, right. Where are we with this?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Oh, the big red button in the middle, down the bottom.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Closer in!
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- Oh, if you just...- Eh?- ..move your finger a bit.- Aw, say cheese!
0:15:53 > 0:15:54CHEESE!
0:15:54 > 0:15:59Beth, here! They're starting to dress quite similar, aren't they?
0:15:59 > 0:16:03That's what happens. Same way as folk start to look like their dugs.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06CAMERA CLICKS There, that's it.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- JAZ:- Right, put this into that.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- EXCITED CHATTER - Um, yeah.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13ALL: Aw!
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- Aw, that's pretty good!- No bad.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Oh, take another one! Take one of all the family!
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Aw, we got one of them done professionally, didn't we, Sophie?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Remember when you were a wee baby?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Oh, wee baby Sophie.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Did you no' get one of them done? What happened to it?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Well, we...we did get one done,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31but it didn't, er... It didn't come out right.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33We just decided we were fine with what we had.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Yeah, we just decided to leave it.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- That's a bit of a waste.- Ach, well, you know, one of those things.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- Aw, baby.- They didn't still charge you for it, though, did they?- Er...
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I can't remember. Did we pay? I think we paid something?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Oh, don't ask me. Ha-ha!
0:16:46 > 0:16:49They made you pay for the picture, but you still never got it.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52No, no, no, we did get it, we just decided not to, um...
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- Not to...not to put it up. - Not to put it up, that's right.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Anyway... - Well, have you still got it?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- Aw, I'd love to see it! - I'd love to see it too, Jaz!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- Come on, Eric! Go and get it! - CHRISTINE: Yeah!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- Listen, I don't even know where it is.- Aye, ye dae!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06We wouldn't be able to find it in a million years!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- CATH:- Go and get it! - CHRISTINE:- Where is it?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- Get it, Eric! - If you paid all that money...
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Watch where you're stepping!
0:17:13 > 0:17:14I can't believe this!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17CHATTER AND LAUGHTER DOWNSTAIRS
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- And I've still no' had any dinner! - Just get on with it.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22HE SIGHS DEEPLY
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- CHRISTINE:- # Hosanna! Sing Hosanna!
0:17:25 > 0:17:31- # Sing Hosanna till the break of day! #- Hey!
0:17:31 > 0:17:36- Aye, here, he's enjoying himself, aren't ye, son?- There you go.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Are you not driving?
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Aw, he's all right. He's got his sat nav!
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Sophie, do you want a glass?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45No, thanks. I'm not wanting anything.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- You're allowed!- No!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51She's taking it bad right enough, eh?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Oh, here he is! Oh, and he's got it!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56CHEERING
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Here, Eric, do you want a wee...?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01No, come on now, Colin! He's on the wagon!
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- # Three wheels - ALL: On my wagon
0:18:05 > 0:18:09# And I'm still rolling along
0:18:09 > 0:18:13# The Cherokees are chasing me
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- # Arrows fly, right on by... # - Eric, come on!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Bring it in! Bring it in! Come on, let's get a look at it.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- COLIN:- Right, come on, Eric. - Right, come on!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Right, ssh, everybody, ssh! Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28THEY HUM A FANFARE
0:18:30 > 0:18:32ALL: Aw!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Oh, here, that's no bad! - Oh, Beth, look at your hair!
0:18:35 > 0:18:40Boy, oh, boy! You've no' half piled on the beef, Eric!
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- Oh, look at you there!- Don't! - What? You look so cute!
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- What's that there?- It's just a sticker thing that Ian put on it.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Why'd he put it there?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- Basically, the photographer... - Unfortunately, um...
0:18:55 > 0:18:58HE CLEARS HIS THROAT ..the way the guy set the shot up,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00you ended up being able to see a bit of my...
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- Your willy?!- No!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Well, sort of. More like my...- What?
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Your balls?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Aye. A bit of them.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12One of them. You can see one of them.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Well, we THINK it's one of them.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17There's something anyway, in amongst the...hair.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:19:26 > 0:19:28All right! All right!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Oh, look at the sticker, Colin! Look! Look!
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- What is it?- It's a footballer! - Who is it? Let's get a look!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Go on! It's Ally McCoist!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Look, Ally McCoist stuck to yer balls!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Here, I bet you wouldn't mind that, eh, Ian?!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47JAZ GIGGLES SOFTLY
0:19:47 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:19:48 > 0:19:49It's a bloody disgrace!
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- I mean, I don't know how the guy didn't notice it!- Cathy, leave it!
0:19:52 > 0:19:53STICKER RIPS
0:19:53 > 0:19:54CHEERING
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Nae wonder you didn't put it up!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Who'd want that over their mantelpiece? Here, what about...
0:19:59 > 0:20:03# One hairy ball hangin' on the wall... #
0:20:03 > 0:20:07OTHERS JOIN IN: # One hairy ball hangin' on yer wall
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- # And if one hairy ball - Should accidentally fall!
0:20:11 > 0:20:15# You'd have Eric Baird's balls hangin' on the wall... #
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- LAUGHTER - Hooray!- Hilarious(!)
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- COLIN LAUGHS - She's pissing herself!
0:20:20 > 0:20:21So she is!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- CATHY SOBS - Cathy?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Cathy! Are you all right, Cath?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Come on now, Cath.- Come on, let's get you into the kitchen.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30SOBBING CONTINUES
0:20:34 > 0:20:36What a shame!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- I know!- Eric...
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Give us over her wine, eh? I'll just...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47SOBBING CONTINUES
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Aw, Cathy, what on earth is the matter?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52SOBBING AND SNIFFING
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- What's going on? - We're not going sailing!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Oh, well, that's disappointing, but surely...
0:20:59 > 0:21:03We said we were going sailing on a boat, on the sea, but we're not.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- We're going to see the consultant at the fertility place.- Ah.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I don't think it's going to be good news, Beth.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Oh, come on now, Cath.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17You don't know that for sure until you go and talk to them!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Well, actually, I do.- How come?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I phoned them. I couldn't wait and I phoned them.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Oh, Beth... promise you won't say anything.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Of course not, Cathy.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32It's your business and nobody needs to know.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36What happens is they give you a wee cup, right?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38And you go into this wee room and...
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Well, that's you. I mean, you...
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- You've gotta dae the biz. - But what happens if you cannae?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Mum, please!- No, no, it's all right.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Er, well, there's things in there, Christine, you know.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53They've got things in there tae... tae help ye.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- What things?- Mum!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I'm just asking!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00It's just things to help, er, stimulate you.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Oh, like what-d'ya-ma-callits?
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Fluffers!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09So, what exactly did they say when you phoned?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Just a load of stuff about not being able to give out information
0:22:12 > 0:22:16over the phone and something about harassment,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20and then, eventually, she just said they were really sorry, but...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22because of my age and, er...
0:22:24 > 0:22:28..various other factors that...
0:22:28 > 0:22:30we'd reached the end of the road.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Aw, Cathy, I'm so sorry!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I'd have made such a good mum, Beth!
0:22:37 > 0:22:38How's Colin about it?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41He doesn't know. I've not told him yet.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- Well, do you not think...?- I will!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Later, when it's just the two of us.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50You know what my Colin's like. He's a very private person.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53So, I'm sat in the corridor.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55It's like death row!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Except there's tea and coffee.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59And the next thing, the wee consultant guy, he calls me in
0:22:59 > 0:23:05and he says, er, "Well, Mr White, we have never seen anything like it!"
0:23:06 > 0:23:09And I was like that, "Oh, dear!" He says, "No, no!" he says.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11He says, "Everything's fine your end.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13"In fact, it's mair than fine.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16"Your stuff is practically jumping oot the cup!"
0:23:19 > 0:23:24Listen, there are millions of women who don't have children
0:23:24 > 0:23:27living perfectly happy lives!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29It's all I've ever wanted, Beth.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- I know.- A little baby Colin.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37A little tiny Colin running round. Wouldn't that be amazing?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I mean, having babies - that's the point of living!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44It's just the shock at the minute, Cathy!
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- Yeah, you're right. - You've still got Colin.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- Yeah.- You've got your friends.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54You've got me.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57All right.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Having a family isn't the be-all and end-all.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06You've got a whole life ahead of you to look forward to, Cathy.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Oh, thanks, Beth!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Oh...
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Aw.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Now I know I'm not going to have to breast-feed, I'm...
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I'm definitely going to get implants for Christmas.
0:24:25 > 0:24:32# And exchange it some day for...
0:24:32 > 0:24:35# A crown. #
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Mum?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Mum!
0:24:38 > 0:24:42- Come on, we'll need to go. - Aw, ssh! I'm enjoying myself!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44It's no very often I get the chance to get out the house
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and get a bit of company!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50And besides, I reckon this is going to end up in a screaming match,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53and I'm buggered if I'm going to miss that!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Hello!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- JAZ: Are you OK, Cathy? - Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I was just, um...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Cathy was just telling me about the sailing trip she's going on.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Colin was just telling us about his...
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Why don't we take a nice picture of us all
0:25:08 > 0:25:10and put it on your digital frame thing?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Oh, yeah, birthday picture! - Yeah, that's a great idea.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Right, everyone, squeeze in on the sofa.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- Birthday boy, you in the middle. - Right, there you are. Oh, here...
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- Mind keep your legs shut this time, Eric.- Aye, all right!- Ha-ha-ha!
0:25:22 > 0:25:26- I'm just going to head home. - Aw, Sophie, stay for the photo!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Yeah, stay for the photo, Soph.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- CHRISTINE:- Oh, my God!
0:25:30 > 0:25:31I'll tell you this...
0:25:33 > 0:25:35I have enjoyed this tonight.
0:25:35 > 0:25:40In fact, the whole day has been super.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41It really has.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- Nothing's happening.- Just wait a few seconds and then it'll do it.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- CAMERA CLICKS, ERIC SIGHS - Oh, dear.- There we go!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52There we are!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Oh, it's a bit weird! - What's wrong with it?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Christine smiling, is she?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- GIGGLING - What's the wee dick saying noo?
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Let me see it!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09That's all right! Aye! MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Oh, there's a hell of a sheen aff your forehead, Eric!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Here, Jaz, take one of us!
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Take one of the mums, eh!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Come on, Beth! Ha-ha!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- There, up, up.- Aye.- Come on.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Uh-huh!
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- Here, Cathy, you come in on this as well.- Er, no, I'm...- Come on, Cathy!
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- Oh, well, I'll come in too. - No, no, this is just for the mums!
0:26:34 > 0:26:35AND Cathy.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Christine!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Well, she's working on it, aren't you, Cathy?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Oh, here, you'd better get my good side, eh?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Oh, no, Sophie, you take it.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Sophie knows how to take me.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47No, no, no.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49No, I'll just come in for it.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- It's mums, isn't it?- Uh-huh.- Well, I'll just come in for it, then.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- But you're not a mum! - Well, not yet I'm not.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59But I will be soon.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02I'm pregnant.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Beth!
0:27:06 > 0:27:07BETH!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Aw!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Mr Baird?- Er, yes?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- You brought in Christine O'Neill? - Aye.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17They've got her sedated and they're just going
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- to keep an eye on her for the time being.- That's good.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- Can I take some details from you in the meantime?- Of course.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- Your name, please?- Eric Baird. - Mm-hm.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- Your relation to patient?- Friend.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Er, no, neighbour.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33And your date of birth?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Er, sixth of the fifth, '53.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Great.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Sixth of the fifth? Oh, that...
0:27:40 > 0:27:42So it is!
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Happy birthday!
0:27:45 > 0:27:46HE SIGHS
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# I've just come doon from the Isle of Skye
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# I'm not very big and I'm awful shy
0:27:52 > 0:27:54# And the lassies shout when I go by
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# Donald, where's your troosers?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# Let the wind blow high Let the wind blow low
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# Through the streets in my kilt I'll go
0:28:01 > 0:28:03# And all the ladies say hello
0:28:03 > 0:28:05# Donald, where's your troosers?
0:28:05 > 0:28:07# A lassie took me to a ball
0:28:07 > 0:28:09# And it was slippery in the hall
0:28:09 > 0:28:11# And I was feart that I would fall
0:28:11 > 0:28:13# For I hadnae on my troosers
0:28:13 > 0:28:15# Let the wind blow high Let the wind blow low
0:28:15 > 0:28:17# Through the streets in my kilt I'll go
0:28:17 > 0:28:19# And all the ladies say hello
0:28:19 > 0:28:21# Donald, where's your troosers?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# I went doon to London Town
0:28:23 > 0:28:26# I had some fun in the underground
0:28:26 > 0:28:28# The ladies turned their heads around saying
0:28:28 > 0:28:30# Donald, where's your troosers? #