0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:09- So, in general, you're feeling all right?- Yeah, yeah.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Are you eating your five a day?
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Aye, five Kit Kats.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Have you checked your testicles recently?
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Yup, there's still two of them.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18When was the last time you checked them, Mr Baird?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Oh, I don't know.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23You're supposed to check them regularly for any abnormalities.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25I usually say to people to do it when they're in the bath,
0:00:25 > 0:00:27you know, when you're relaxed and they're nice and soft.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29When was the last time you had a bath, Eric?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31I've got no idea.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32I'll make sure he has one.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Mind you, our boiler doesn't always give you enough for a bath.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37No, it depends if the washing machine's been on.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39What about a shower, will that soften them up?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41- Cos I prefer a shower, actually. - Uh-huh.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- It's an electric shower we've got. - Well, you can...- Yeah.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45It doesn't depend on the boiler, you see.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Takes it directly from the mains
0:00:46 > 0:00:48and heats it up in an element in the box on the wall.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51You pull a string to switch it on.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Well, you can do it anywhere.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Step up on to the scales, please.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I still cannae make head nor tail of it.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Look! There's its head, and there's its wee nose.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06It's like one of those pictures they take from the drones
0:01:06 > 0:01:08when they've been up bombing the villages.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Well, I'm sure the next one they do will be clearer.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Oh, well, I hope we get a few more. One copy!
0:01:13 > 0:01:17But that's the NHS for you, eh? They've brung it to its knees.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20And just you wait to the birth - you'll be in and out in a day.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25Not like the good old times, where you could be in a place for months.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- I'm sure I can feel it starting to kick.- Aye.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Either that or it's that steak pie we had for our lunch
0:01:30 > 0:01:32making its way through you.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Right, come on, let's get this up on the Facebook.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37No, Mum, this is private.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Private? It might be private to you but this is my first grandchild.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Oh, fine.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46And once you're finished with that,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49you make sure you put it somewhere safe.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- CAMERA CLICKS - When you become a mum, Sophie,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53you will understand that these are the types of things
0:01:53 > 0:01:55that you'll cherish forever.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Plus it'll be good ammo in my appeal with the council
0:02:00 > 0:02:03when I'm going up to get that ramp fitted.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05SHE SIGHS
0:02:05 > 0:02:08So, are you going on holiday this year?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- No.- No?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13No, no, we were away, what was it, three years ago?
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Try seven.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Seven? Is it seven years since we were in Jersey?- Uh-huh.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Jersey? That's supposed to be nice, but I suppose it's like anywhere -
0:02:21 > 0:02:22depends if you get the weather.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24We didn't.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Right. Well, that's everything checked
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and it seems you've made really, really good progress.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Your weight's down, your cholesterol is much better
0:02:33 > 0:02:35and your blood pressure is just about normal.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37And what about that cloudiness in the urine?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40It's all gone. That one you did today was super.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Sorry it took us a wee while. It's a bit tricky, you know,
0:02:43 > 0:02:47trying to hold the two things at once.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- Well, that's smashing. Isn't that great, Eric?- Yes.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Right. Well, I'll see you in three months.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Oh, and don't forget - check those testicles!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I will... He will.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00See you.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Come on.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14# Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm
0:03:14 > 0:03:16# Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm
0:03:16 > 0:03:20# Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm
0:03:21 > 0:03:23# Whoa-oh-oh-oh
0:03:23 > 0:03:25# Whoa-oh-oh-oh
0:03:25 > 0:03:30# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
0:03:30 > 0:03:33# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. #
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Right, Eric, go and get the big suitcase with the wheels down.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37- Let's get started.- Beth...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Go!
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Oh, I forgot to get earplugs.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Eric! We forgot to get earplugs!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48They'll give you headphones on the plane.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51It's not for the plane I'm wanting them.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- It's not there!- What?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54It's not here.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- What? You're joking.- No.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Did Ian not use it to shift some of his stuff?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- Oh, bugger. - Oh, come on, it'll be fine.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Listen, can we not just take that big Adidas holdall
0:04:03 > 0:04:06and we'll shove some bits and pieces into the cool bag
0:04:06 > 0:04:08and you can take that as hand luggage?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I am not standing at Glasgow Airport
0:04:10 > 0:04:12looking like I'm queuing for a laundrette, Eric.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Forget it!
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Go and find the funnel,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17and start putting shampoo into those clear bottles.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Why are we doing that?
0:04:19 > 0:04:20So there's not a bomb.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Ian, it's me.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26How many has it got now?
0:04:26 > 0:04:2837 likes and two comments.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Has your Auntie Margaret liked it?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- Uh-huh.- What about Rita?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Who's Rita?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36You know Rita - her that collects for the guide dogs
0:04:36 > 0:04:40and went away over to help with the tidying up after the tsunami.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41No.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44She's only interested in herself, that one.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46What about Beth - has she liked it?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Not yet, no.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48You're joking.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49No.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Poke her!
0:04:52 > 0:04:55DOORBELL RINGS
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- Hi, Cathy.- Hi, Eric. Oh, are you doing charity bags?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Actually...- Where's Beth?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Beth!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Hi, Cathy, sorry, but we really are up to our eyes...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10No, no, no, no, no, no, that's all right.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I just thought I'd pop my head in to say thanks for putting up
0:05:12 > 0:05:14with all that racket that's been going on
0:05:14 > 0:05:16while we've been getting this hot tub installed.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- That's all right. - And thanks for all your help, Eric,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21when we had that problem with the drains.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26Colin has asked me to tell you that he was definitely not well that day,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28so that's how come he had to leave you to it.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Aye, no bother, Cath.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Did you have to throw those cords in the bin?
0:05:32 > 0:05:33- Aye.- Mmm.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35As I say, if you don't mind, we're...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37So, as an extra thank you,
0:05:37 > 0:05:41we thought we'd like to get you round for a few drinks and...
0:05:41 > 0:05:43a wee shot in the hot tub.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- Oh, that's lovely but... - About half seven?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46- Cathy...- I said to Colin,
0:05:46 > 0:05:50"People like Beth and Eric can only dream of hot tubs -
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"we need to get them round."
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Cathy, we can't.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55What?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57We can't. Not tonight, anyway.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58How come?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- We're away on holiday. - Uh-huh, we've booked a holiday.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02The flight's first thing in the morning
0:06:02 > 0:06:04so we need to pack and get organised...
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Well, where are you going?
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Turkey.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Oh.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Oh, well. Well, that's that, then.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Sorry, Cathy. - Oh, no, no, no, no, you're fine.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- I hope you haven't gone to any bother.- Oh, no...
0:06:15 > 0:06:16apart from getting a hot tub put in!
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Well, maybe when we get back.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Yeah, yeah, when you're back.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24You enjoy yourselves!
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- We will.- We will.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY
0:06:42 > 0:06:43What's the matter?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- It's off!- Eh?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47They're not coming! They're going on holiday.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48What?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51They're going on holiday!
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Beth and Eric?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Yes.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Beth and Eric are going on holiday?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- Yes!- My God...
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Beth and Eric?
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Yes!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- It's a whopper.- Tell me about it.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20DOORBELL RINGS Aw, who the hell's that now?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Answer it!
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- Hiya.- Ah, thanks, boys.- Christ, I'd forgotten the bloody size of it.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- It's a beast.- Lift it, Ian, don't drag it across the carpet.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Are you sure you need this?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Yes! Don't you start, as well.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Ah, there we are.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I'll get all my stuff in there,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40plus my shoes in these wee zippy bits.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42How many pairs of shoes are you taking?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Did you not see the pictures she showed us, Eric, of the old town?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48If we go for a walk, I'll be needing flats.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51It's cobbled! Honestly!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Thanks for this, boys, that's fine.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54No worries.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Just watch you don't put too much in it...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59otherwise you'll go over your allowance.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00What allowance?
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Your baggage allowance.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03You'll be fine, though, don't worry about it.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I don't even know what ours is. Did they say?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Have we got a baggage allowance, Eric?
0:08:08 > 0:08:09I don't know.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- It'll be on your boarding pass. - What boarding pass?
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Did they give us those?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I don't think they gave us boarding passes, did they, Eric?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- I don't know. - Oh, God, this is a nightmare.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19You print them off yourself at online check-in.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21I can do it for you.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23It'll be fine, you'll have 20kg or something.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Yeah, or it might be 15.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Remember ours was 15 when we went to Barcelona and we didn't know?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- Oh, no.- It was fine.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Well, in the end.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33What do you mean in the end?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- We had to unpack the whole case. - Not at the airport?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Mm-hmm, in the queue.- Oh, my God.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Yeah. I had to bin a 2000-watt hairdryer and a pair of Air Max.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44It was one of the most stressful experiences of my life.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Still, it was good when we got there.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Yeah, yeah, it was,
0:08:47 > 0:08:49until that guy pulled a knife on you at the cash point.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- Remember that?- What?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- DOORBELL RINGS - If that's Cathy again...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- Beth.- Christine.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Oh, what's going on here?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02We're away on holiday - got a last-minute deal.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Did you? Where to?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- Turkey.- Turkey. Very nice.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I've heard it's lovely. The beaches are meant to be beautiful.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Oh, aye, and they'll be that bit quieter at the minute.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Anyway, Christine, I'd better get on.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Oh, of course, we'll not keep you.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19This is nothing that interesting.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- What is it? - Oh, it's just Sophie's scan picture,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24but if you've got more important things to do,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26like picking out sundresses...
0:09:26 > 0:09:27- In you come.- Thank you.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Right, there it is.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36You're all right, it's 20 kilos.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Room for your snorkel and flippers after all, Dad!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- Very funny.- Have you ever been snorkelling, Mr Baird?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44No, and I'll not be doing any while we're away.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48I'll be getting my arse parked on a sunbed and I'll not be shifting.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51We did snorkelling when we went to Greece, remember?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I got a carrier bag wrapped round my breathing pipe.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56So, are you looking forward to it?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Aye, it'll be nice to get a break and get away - get a wee bit of sun.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Remember the first time we went abroad?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Aye. Corfu. Oh-ho, that was a great holiday.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Yeah. Remember you got burnt on the first day?
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Oh, aye, so I did, aye.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I had to sleep sitting up with a damp towel.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13And then I got food poisoning.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Did you?- Aye, do you not remember when we went to the water park
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- and you took me on the big slide? - Oh, aye. Aye.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20And Mum got her bag stolen.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Aye.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Still, it was good to get away.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Oh, my God.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26What is it?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Your flight's at 6.15 in the morning.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Check-in opens at 4.15.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Aye, I know, hardly worth going to bed, is it?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Have you booked a taxi?
0:10:34 > 0:10:35You don't need to book a taxi.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Aye, right enough, I'll just phone one in the morning.- Aye.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40No, we'll give you a lift. Won't we?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45So there we were, going through the corridors,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48still no sign of ultrasound,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51so I stopped this wee doctor and, lo and behold,
0:10:51 > 0:10:56was it no' the wee guy that did my knee back in 2003?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Really?
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Aye. Did I never tell you about that, Beth?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04It was after that fall I had in the jelly bean sandals
0:11:04 > 0:11:06with that stupid laminate floor.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11What it was, there was this clicking sound in my joint, right,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- wasn't there, Sophie?- Mm-hmm.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15It was like...
0:11:15 > 0:11:18SHE CLICKS
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Can you imagine it?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I mean, it'd drive you round the twist,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37especially somebody as active as me.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Christine...
0:11:38 > 0:11:43Oh, sorry, Beth, we're holding you back here.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44I hate to seem rude.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46No, no, not at all.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47I quite understand.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50It's my fault.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52On you go through and put the kettle on.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55We'll get started on the scan proper when you get back.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11DOORBELL RINGS
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Afternoon, Squire!
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Or should I say...
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Well, how do you say "good afternoon" in Turkish?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- Erm, I've got no idea. - Well, you should.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23See, wherever we go, I always make sure I learn a few wee phrases,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25you know, just to keep me in with the locals.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Nothing too complicated, just the likes of,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31"Please, thank you, chips."
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Well, I'll make sure I get a wee phrase book at the airport.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Colin, I don't mean to sound rude... - So, Turkey, eh?
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Aye, Turkey.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Aye, it's some place.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Oh, have you been?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43No, no, I've seen it in the brochure
0:12:43 > 0:12:46but I always thought it looked a bit manky.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Ah, right, anyway, I...
0:12:47 > 0:12:50So, listen, do you want me to do the odd bit of watering
0:12:50 > 0:12:51your plants while you're away?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Actually, that might not be a bad idea.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Smashing. I'll just come in and see where they are.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Well... HE SIGHS
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Now that means I have to get up at 4am in the morning
0:13:02 > 0:13:04to drive them to the bloody airport.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- Oh, come on, it's not that bad. - Not for you.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- All right, well, I'll do it, then. - No.- Why not?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I don't know. It would just be weird.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Would you get me to drive your parents to the airport on my own?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14No.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15See?
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Well, yeah, maybe,
0:13:16 > 0:13:21if you stuck to the story that you were my friend from the rugby club.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Just come for a bit, have a couple of drinks, come on!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26We need to be up early to go to the airport.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Look, it's all right! I'll take you to the airport.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Ian's said he'll take us.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33No, listen, I'll do the airport run.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35You boys come in for a drink as well,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37and try out this new hot tub of ours.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39You've got a hot tub?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Do we have a hot tub? Do we have a hot tub?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44What do you think all that business with the drains was?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I thought you were getting your toilet fixed.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50No! We were getting a hot tub put in.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51You want to see this thing, Ian.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54It can take 12 folk at a time.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55It's got underwater lights,
0:13:55 > 0:13:59and it's got these wee jets that you can position any way you like
0:13:59 > 0:14:01so that they can pummel your bits. What do you say?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- All right, then.- Cool.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Lovely. That's that all sorted, then.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Right, tomorrow morning, what time's your check-in?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Quarter past four.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Great...
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Obviously, we still don't know whether it's a boy or a girl
0:14:16 > 0:14:20but, as I says to Sophie, either way has its drawbacks.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I'm really hoping it's a wee boy.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24I was the same.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Hi.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Oh, here he is, my wee pal.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32He liked it on Facebook, didn't you, son?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- What?- The picture of my scan.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Oh, is that what it was?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I thought it was a satellite picture.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40No, it's a picture of Sophie's baby.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Really? It looked like a tornado to me.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- Where's Ian?- He's upstairs looking for swimming trunks.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47I brought Eric's swim stuff down.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Oh, it's not for him. It's for Ian, for the hot tub party.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51What hot tub party?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55We're all going next door for a shot in Cathy's new hot tub, aren't we?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Oh, lovely.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Oh, Beth, I'm so glad you changed your mind.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Come on in!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14In you go, Jaz.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Oh!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Hot tub's bubbling.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- Oh, ha-ha-ha.- In you go.- Right.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21SHE EXHALES
0:15:25 > 0:15:27There you are.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Where's your swimsuit, Missus?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Oh, I'll not bother actually going in, Cathy.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Oh, Beth, come on.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Who cares if you've got a bit of cellulite?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Just face the other way when you get in.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I'm all right, thanks.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Boo!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41At least these two are dressed for it.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44There's Ian with his wee chicken legs,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47and look at you, Jaz, with your trunks.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49He's like a wee hairy Tom Daley, isn't he?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52(It's only a gay man that could carry those off, Beth.)
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Where'd you get them?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Mr Baird lent me them.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Right, on you come through.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01It's a few years since I've worn them.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Here we are.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Hello there!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Bloody hell, it's like a Bangkok whorehouse.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Shh.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- Wow.- Do you like it?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16It's basically an exact replica of a hotel we went to in Thailand,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19except we got our cushions out of Dobbies.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Oh, it's lovely, Cathy.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Thanks, Beth.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Wee chim-chiminea there -
0:16:25 > 0:16:29that's great for doing marshmallows and burning wee bits of wood
0:16:29 > 0:16:31and bank statements.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Is that a...?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34And that's my Buddha.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Oh, that's lovely. Are you a Buddhist, Cathy?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I am, but I still eat hot dogs.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42We wanted this to be a peaceful place, a place where we could
0:16:42 > 0:16:44come and just be alone with our thoughts, didn't we, Cath?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46We did, aye.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Plus his knee's just the right height for sitting an ashtray on.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54And here she is - here is the jewel in the crown!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- SHE SQUEALS - Oh...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Oh, look at that!
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Yeah, it's some size.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02You can get them smaller but we weren't interested in those.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05This place we went to in Thailand, it had one that took 30 folk.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Yeah, but we won't have dogs drinking out of ours, though.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Switch it on, Col.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14HOT TUB WHIRS
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- Ho-ho-ho-ho!- Oh!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18And it's... It's very relaxing.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- I mean, even the sound of it. - HOT TUB BUBBLES LOUDLY
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Sorry?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Very relaxing, the sound of the water.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25What's he saying?
0:17:25 > 0:17:26I've no idea!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Do you feel the wood vibrating? It's making my fillings hurt.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Switch it off.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32What?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Switch it off. We're not going in it yet.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Colin! Just...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- HOT TUB STOPS BUBBLING - Now...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41who's for a glass of something?
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Oh, just a quick one, Cathy,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44we've still quite a lot to do for going away.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Yeah, of course you have.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48So, are you all set, then, Missus?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Not really, as I said, erm...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53This is a surprise, them going on holiday.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55The number of times we've said to them,
0:17:55 > 0:17:56"Come away with us to the time-share,"
0:17:56 > 0:17:58but no, no, no, they're having none of it.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I said to Col, "Anyone would think they didn't want to spend
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"a fortnight in a log cabin with us!"
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Well, we just saw it and thought, "Why the hell not?"
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Aw, so Turkey?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Uh-huh.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12That's the thing, last-minute - you just take what you can get.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14The woman next to me at work went to Turkey.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15- Oh, did she?- Yeah.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- Did she enjoy it?- Yeah!
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Well, sort of.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23She went to Istanbul for the day and she got spat on cos she's blonde.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24You deserve it.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Not to get spat on, but a holiday.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Here's Colin with the drinkies. - Oh, ta.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Remind me to tell you about that time we booked last-minute
0:18:33 > 0:18:35and the company went bust.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- Right, here we are. - Oh, that's lovely, thank you.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- Oh, yeah, lovely, thanks. - That's you.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Steady, young man, you're up to drive to the airport in a few hours.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Right, let's have a toast. Come on, quick, quick.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53This is a very special occasion.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56It's been a long, long time coming.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Aye.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- CATHY AND COLIN:- To the hot tub! - ALL: Holiday!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- And the holiday. The holiday, too, Colin!- Yeah.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- DOORBELL RINGS - Who the hell's that?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Eh, I think that might be Christine.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Christine? Who told her?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14JAZ GULPS
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Hello, Cathy.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Hi, Mrs Whyte.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Sorry we're late.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Sophie wanted to shave her legs before she came over.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I didnae bother - mine are beyond it.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Let's get a soak in this tub of yours, then, eh?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Whoopsie.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- I can't believe he did that.- Eh?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Colin. I thought he was going to take them to the airport.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41He's a fly bastard.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42What are we going to do?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- We'll stay for a bit. - Not too long, though, please.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Why?- I'm cold and my bollocks keep falling out the side of these.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Right, that'll do me.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Hello, everybody, here we are.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Hi.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Oh, there's Jaz, my wee pal, here he is.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I can see your balls, son.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Hello, Beth.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Hello, Christine.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10Oh, my, oh, my, look at this!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I'll tell you something, Eric, that wee Colin,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15he is a wanker but he cannae half go a drill.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Aye, I'll give him his due, he's done a good job.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Oh, aye, I should have got him over to ours last year
0:20:21 > 0:20:24when we were redoing that patio.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Oh, what an exercise that was.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31Me with the bags of sand, and our Sophie back and forward
0:20:31 > 0:20:33with slabs in a wheelbarrow like Fred fucking West.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Hey, look at this pair in the goonies.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Are you going to do some synchronised swimming?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40No, no, she'll just paddle with her legs.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43We don't want the bubbles agitating Baby.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- CHRISTINE LAUGHS - Speaking of which,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48you havenae seen the scan picture yet, have you?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49No.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Wait till we tell you all about it.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Cathy, I'll need to go.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- What?- I'll need to go. I've got to finish packing.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Oh, don't leave me with her. You can't do that.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Cathy...
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Get Eric to do it.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05We haven't even had a shot in the hot tub yet. Come on, please?
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Come on, sit down.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Here, Eric, all set for a quick dip, eh?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Oh, not for me today, no.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're worried about stripping off, surely?
0:21:17 > 0:21:18I mean, you that's been on a diet.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22No, no, it's just, you know, hot tubs are not really my thing.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Oh, come on, don't be shy, Eric,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26you're in the best shape I've ever seen you in.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28You must be right down to a, a what, an XL?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30As a matter of fact, we were in at the doctor's this morning.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33The nurse was saying she was pretty pleased with how I was doing.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Here, is that no' smashing? Well done.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- That's all your healthy living paid off, eh?- Hmm.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Well, get that down you.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I'll get us a couple of cans of Stella out of the garage.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Here, Cathy, you get your arse over here
0:21:47 > 0:21:49and have a look at this scan picture.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Now, be very careful with that, please, Cathy.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Yeah, it's the only one I've got.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Oh, Sophie, look at it, it's so tiny.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03I know.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07And all curled up, like a wee maggot in a nest.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Oh, it's changed days, I'll tell you.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14They never had any of these scans when I was pregnant.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16No, the doctor just put his specs on,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20had a quick nosey about with his torch and sent you packing.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- Cheers.- Cheers. Good health, aye.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- And how are you feeling, Sophie? - I'm OK.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- No morning sickness?- No.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- Sore back?- No.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Prolapse, varicose veins, constipation?
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Eh, no, no, no.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- Any cravings?- No.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I have.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Another glass of your bubbly, Cathy, thanks.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Oh, she... The scan picture...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- It's fine.- Eric.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48What is it?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Go home and finish our packing. - Oh, what?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53On you go. I don't want to leave everything until the last minute.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Oh, come on, can we not just do it later?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- No. Go.- Beth!
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Coming, Cathy.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Ian, there's more Tropicana in the fridge if you want it.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I'm OK, thanks.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09And, Jaz, one of your wee pals down there's making a bid for freedom.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Here, Beth, are you all set for going away?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Just about.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Where are you flying from?
0:23:16 > 0:23:17- Glasgow.- Oh, aye.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20That's a changed place since they had that terrorist attack, isn't it?
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Oh, yes.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Oh, it's like Fort Knox.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Mind you, I knew a girl that worked in there,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28spraying the perfumes, you know?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30See the hours they've got them doing?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33She was about ready for setting fire to herself to get out the place,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36never mind get in.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Changed days, though, right enough, eh, Beth?
0:23:39 > 0:23:45Isis, Al-Qaeda, Boko Haram - a pack of bandits.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I mean, say what you want about them,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49you knew where you were with the IRA.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54Right, is it not about time we christened this hot tub?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Oh, eh, eh, careful with that,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- please, Cathy, don't get it wet. - HOT TUB BUBBLES LOUDLY
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- Colin, make sure everyone's got a drink.- Eh?
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Make sure everyone's got a drink!
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Oh.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Right, you, get your cossie on. Come on, Missus.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Well, I won't, Cathy. All my stuff's packed for going away.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Come on, boys, get your tops off.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Let's see the six-packs! Come on.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20- Off, off, off, off! - Off, off, off, off, off, off...
0:24:20 > 0:24:22LOUD BUBBLING CONTINUES
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Cathy.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Oh, what did I tell you?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Just leave it.- Oh! - GLASSES CLANG AND SMASH
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- Oh, my God! - Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Christine, you stupid cow!
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- Switch it off, Col.- Eh?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Switch the fucker off!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Oh! Oh, God.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- They've smashed. - BUBBLING STOPS
0:24:43 > 0:24:46They've all smashed, Christine!
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Well, don't blame me - it was you throwing that on the ground.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51I did not throw it on the ground.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53You did so.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Oh, shut up, Christine. Nobody gives a shit about it.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Oh, I beg your pardon.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Nobody cares about your scan picture.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Excuse me, but Beth had me over at hers
0:25:04 > 0:25:07for hours talking about it, didn't you, Beth?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Cathy, just leave it.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Nobody cares?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Well, nobody gives a shite about your hot tub either -
0:25:13 > 0:25:15big, overgrown paddling pool.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Christine, don't start.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Well, no wonder. There's always something with her, eh?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24If it's not hot tubs, it's fancy fitted kitchens
0:25:24 > 0:25:27and televisions in the lavvy.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29What's next - a dry ski slope on the fucking roof, eh?
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Enough! That is enough.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34It was an accident.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37My beautiful hot tub is full of broken glass.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40It's not the end of a world, Cathy, is it, Colin?
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Well, you can say that but, I mean, I need to get drained, you know,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46and get the wee bits of glass hosed out it.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Shards.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Well, why don't we all go inside?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52It's getting a bit chilly now, anyway.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Come on, let's go in.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Throwing Sophie's scan picture on the ground like that.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Go home, Christine! - Don't even start!- Oh, come on!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- Don't even start. - That's enough!- Don't even...
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- Stop it! Come on. - We've had years of it. Years of it.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05The pair of you are like a couple of barbarians.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Come on now, Cathy, come on.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Honest to God, come on. CATHY SOBS
0:26:08 > 0:26:10She's totally up herself, so she is.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17That's just typical. I didn't even get a chance to dip my toe in it.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20CATHY SOBS AND MOANS
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Listen, Cathy, I know this isn't a great time,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24but I really should...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26stick the kettle on.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Beth, could I get a wee cup of tea?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Shh!
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Don't shush me.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01HOT TUB BUBBLES LOUDLY
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Help!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Oh, God, no.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- Eric! - HOT TUB BUBBLES LOUDLY
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Eric! No! Eric!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21MUSIC: The First Cut Is The Deepest by Rod Stewart
0:27:21 > 0:27:24# The first cut is the deepest Baby, I know
0:27:24 > 0:27:28# The first cut is the deepest... #
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Oh, this is the life, eh?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Oh, yes.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# She's cursed
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# When it comes to loving me
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# She's worse... #
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Are you wanting a wee drink of something?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I wouldn't say no.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50# I still want you by my side
0:27:50 > 0:27:54# Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried... #
0:27:56 > 0:27:58You're wanting me to get it?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00If you would.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02# And if you want
0:28:02 > 0:28:05# I'll try to love again
0:28:07 > 0:28:10# Baby, I'll try to love again
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# But I know... #
0:28:12 > 0:28:15HE SIGHS Ouch!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# The first cut is the deepest... #