0:00:02 > 0:00:05- ON TV:- 'All this week, we've been telling you how to bag yourself a bargain,
0:00:05 > 0:00:07'and it seems you want to brag about those bargains.'
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- Are you expecting anything? - What, apart from a baby?
0:00:12 > 0:00:20This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Ah. What have we got here?
0:00:28 > 0:00:33New pet insurance, Specsavers, Weight Watchers.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Watch me throw you in the fucking bin.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Right, there we go.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Pizzas, curries, Thai noodles.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Oh, what a load of muck.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Ooh, fish suppers - 4.95.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54What's this here in the buff broon een?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Oh.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Oh!
0:01:11 > 0:01:12- Oh!- What? What's the matter?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Ya beauty!
0:01:30 > 0:01:35- Four swimming pools, three cinemas. - A champagne bar.- Oh.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- Two gyms, a massive casino. - Free lager.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42A nightclub, an amusement arcade. God, there was even a bowling alley.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Soft drinks only. - And see the entertainment?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- What was it like, Cath? - Very entertaining.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52They had comedians, dancers, magicians, puppets,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55live band every night, except the night of the foam party.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58They didn't want the bubbles getting into the trumpets, Beth.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Honestly, it feels as if we've been away for about a month.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03No, just the ten days.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Well, that sounds lovely, but I really should be getting on.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- Oh, right. - SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Oh, my God! Colin, look at her.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- Jeezo!- Look how pale she is!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I said to Colin, "I bet I don't even notice how tanned I am
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- "until I get back and see Beth." - She's like a ghost next to you.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Please don't tell me I looked like that before I went away.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Well, you can let us know how you enjoy the ham, will you?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- Some bother we had carting it back, too, didn't we?- Er, yes!
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Eventually, I just said to the guy at the desk,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36"Stick it in a bin liner
0:02:36 > 0:02:38"and tag it along with the buggies and the golf clubs."
0:02:38 > 0:02:41You know, it's amazing to think that
0:02:41 > 0:02:46that was once joined onto a pig in a sty in Spain,
0:02:46 > 0:02:50and here it is now on top of a newspaper on your pouffe.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- Well... - DOORBELL RINGS
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- Oh!- Oh, are you expecting someone, Beth?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Oh, Eric!- What?
0:03:03 > 0:03:08- Ooh, what's going on? - Where's Beth? Beth!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Oh, there she is! - Christine, are you all right?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Oh, Beth, I can hardly breathe!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16What is it? Is there something wrong?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- The PPI, Beth.- The what?- The PPI.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I've been awarded £6,400 PPI.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Jeezo!- Bloody hell!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- We got the letter fae the bank this morning, didn't we, Sophie?- Yeah.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31As I say, I can hardly breathe.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- Actually, my legs are feeling a bit weak.- Sit down.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39- Oh, bless you, Beth. Bless you. - I should sit back down, too.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- I'm in shock.- Would you like a drink of something, Christine?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Not just now, no.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Just a glass of wine for me, then, Beth.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Sophie, give us my Facebook. I want to type a message.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Oh, I don't want to give too much away.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04"Six grand PPI. Over the fucking moon."
0:04:06 > 0:04:09So, what are you going to spend it on?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Oh, I've not even had a chance to think about it, to be honest, Colin.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- What about the deep fat fryer? - Oh, that's a definite.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21What about Sophie? She deserves a treat, too.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Aye, all right.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25We'll go for the doughnut maker, as well.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27You want to invest some of it, Christine.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Oh, I don't want to get involved in anything dodgy.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Stocks and shares? That's for crooks.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Have you not got any debts you need to clear, Christine?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39None in my real name, no.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Oh, isn't that brilliant news for Christine?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- I know.- Six grand!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Lucky cow.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Mind you, it's a shame it's not enough for her
0:04:54 > 0:04:56to do something really exciting, you know.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Like what?- Move house.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Well, still, I wouldn't turn my nose up at six grand.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04True, Beth. Just think what you could do with it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08You could get your hair done whenever you want.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13- I had my hair done last week. - Well, I mean, get it done properly.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15In fact, I know what you could do,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18and it's actually much cheaper than you'd think.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23- Cathy, I'm not having my boobs done. - No! You could go on a cruise.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I tell you, you know I had my doubts about going on one,
0:05:27 > 0:05:31but you were right - they did have brand-name spirits,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33and we didn't have to pick up any refugees.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39It's an unbelievable experience.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44What it is, Christine, it's like a hotel that moves around,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47so every day, you're in the same room,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50but in a different place.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- We stopped in Lisbon... - Oh, that's in Portugal, Christine.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- ..Gibraltar...- REALLY cheap fags.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- ..Morocco.- Shithole.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02- But Barcelona, we loved that, didn't we, Cath?- We did, yeah.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Aye, that's where we got the ham there.- Jamon ham.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09That's it, aye. Jamon ham. We were out sightseeing
0:06:09 > 0:06:12and we passed this window with pig legs hanging upside down.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15We just looked at each other and we both went...
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- BOTH:- Eric! - THEY LAUGH
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Same with Beth's present, as well, wasn't it?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Oh, yeah. Show Christine what I bought you, Beth. Where is it?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Where did I put it? Ah.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Aaaah... Ta-da!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Ah. Where's mine?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36It's...
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Ooh, I've got it here. Erm...
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- Oh, there you go.- Oh.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- New York?- Manhattan theme bar, lower deck.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Half-price cocktails three till five.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57So, what are you two up to tonight, then, eh? Out celebrating?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Oh, I don't think so. - Oh, haven't really thought.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Oh, you'll need to dae something. Something a wee bit special.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08- Sophie, will we get fish suppers in? - No! Sophie doesn't want a fi...
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- I know. You could have a party. - A party?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- A PPI party!- A PPI party!
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- No, I don't think so.- Why not?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Well, I don't have anything in. - Well, get stuff from the shops.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25You can get Sophie to go to Asda. You like going there, don't you?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Here, in fact, what's the weather like?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29It's actually not too shite.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33What about...a barbecue?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- A barbecue! - SHE GROANS
0:07:35 > 0:07:40- A PPI-becue.- Oh, no.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43The last thing I'm needing is to be setting up barbecues
0:07:43 > 0:07:47and standing outside till all hours cooking big bits of meat.
0:07:47 > 0:07:52- Um, boring!- Just leave it, Cathy. She doesn't want the hassle.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Well, what if Beth did it here? - Oh, that'd be lovely.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- Some machine, eh, Eric? - Oh, aye.- I mean, nay offence,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10but that wee one of yours just wouldnae have coped.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Caked in grease, as well. - Aye, all right, all right.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15You want to have seen the barbecues they did on the boat.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I mean, honestly, Eric,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- they had steaks that they cooked right in front of you.- Aye?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Aye, with the flames shooting right up in the chef's face.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26And see in terms of freshness? I says to Cathy, I said,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28"They must have a slaughterhouse somewhere on board."
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Sounds brilliant.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- Never fancied a cruise, Eric?- Nah. - I think you'd enjoy it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38In fact, we're actually thinking of going on another one.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- You could come with us. - Oh, I don't...- Just think about it.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Beth and Cathy go off, do their ain thing,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47get their whatever's waxed,
0:08:47 > 0:08:51and you and me go on a wee wander.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54There's plenty going on on board -
0:08:54 > 0:08:58badminton, Ping-Pong, giant drafts.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02In fact, I tell you what there is, Eric.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04There's putting.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Now, imagine that.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11Standing in your deck shoes, gliding past the coast of Africa,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14a putter in one hand, a can of Miller in the other.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18King of the world.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- Hello?- Hi, it's us!- Hi!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Hello, Mrs Baird.- Hi, Jaz. - Thanks for inviting us.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I've not been to a barbecue for ages. Are you excited?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Yeah, I'm managing to control myself. Through you go.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37HE SHRIEKS
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- What's that?- Oh, that's a Spanish ham
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Cathie and Colin brought back from their holiday.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Oh, right. Makes a change from another dishtowel.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51- Is that its trotter?- Yes. So, you two been at the gym?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- We were actually away looking at flats.- Flats?- Gross.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- Why were you looking at flats? - Cos we're thinking of buying one.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- Is it a pig?- Yes.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Buying one? Together?- Yeah. - Oh, that's so gross.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- Exciting, isn't it? - Yes, I suppose it is.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Like an actual pig? BOTH:- Yes!
0:10:12 > 0:10:17- Sophie, there's no press, is there?- Eh?
0:10:17 > 0:10:22It's just I don't want anything in the papers, begging letters,
0:10:22 > 0:10:28folk looking for free money without lifting a finger to earn it.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Oh, do you know what I'm looking forward to?- What?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Corn on the cobs done in the tinfoil,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37maybe wee bits of steak.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Here, she better no think that she can get away
0:10:41 > 0:10:43with shovelling sausages onto torpedo rolls
0:10:43 > 0:10:45and padding it out with big dods of coleslaw.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Well, I think it's nice of Mrs Baird
0:10:47 > 0:10:49just to have everyone over, actually.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53You're right. You're right. SHE CHUCKLES
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- Oh, would you look at that.- What?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59No bunting.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Would you think, looking at that house,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03that the person living next door to it
0:11:03 > 0:11:06had recently won a PPI victory? No.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Aye, she's coming up to temp now, your wee thermostat there.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- What I normally do is... - Who's doing this, you or me?
0:11:14 > 0:11:19All right. All right, squire. Hey, she's all yours.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Ah, here she comes.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- Here, Beth, chop, chop. - HE LAUGHS
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Let's see what you've got there. Chicken, burgers.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30God, the burgers are awfully thin.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32They're the wee, cheap, frozen ones, are they?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- Not got any quarter pounders, no? - We'll do two to a roll.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Oh, fair enough.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Enough mustard on them, they might not be too bad.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Ah, there's the star of the show there,
0:11:42 > 0:11:46your friend and mine, the sausage.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- Not putting them in the back, no? - Right, everybody, here I am!
0:11:50 > 0:11:55- Hello, Christine.- There she is. You all right, moneybags?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Is this it?- What?- Mum!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01We're just getting started, Christine.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Ian and Jaz are here. Ian, Jaz, that's Christine here!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Burgers, sausages, and there's chicken there, as well, Christine.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Ooh, aye, very good.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Make sure that chicken's cooked properly.- I will.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17It's no spicy, is it? I had a couple of those peri peri drummers
0:12:17 > 0:12:21when I was at that air show. Oh, what a day that was.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25It wasnae just the Red Arrows with their tails on fire, I can tell you.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Christine, what would you like to drink?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- Have you any white wine?- Yes. - Have you got soda?- I think so.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- I'll have a large white wine, a whiskey and soda.- Right.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42That's a lovely, big barbecue you've got there, Eric.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Oh, it's mine. We had to bring ours round.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- What's the matter with his? - It was shite.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Ah, imagine volunteering to have a barbecue
0:12:51 > 0:12:53and then having to borrow your neighbour's.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I mean, that's shocking.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- Hi!- Aw, there's Jaz, my wee pal.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Hi, Christine. Congratulations. Mrs Baird told me the good news.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Oh, Beth, I'd appreciate if you'd just keep it to yourself for a bit.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- Oh, right. Sorry.- Hiya, guys.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- Did your mum tell you I've got a PPI?- Oh, right.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Have you been to see the doctor about it?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17THEY LAUGH
0:13:17 > 0:13:20He's turning into a right cheeky wee bastard, so he is.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- All right, Sophie. Bump's getting bigger.- I know.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24None of my clothes are fitting me.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I keep telling her she's got to get elasticated waists.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- Och, no this again. - I'm telling you, they're a godsend.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Remember that time I had the big tea at Costa, Beth,
0:13:33 > 0:13:38- and you had to pull over on the bypass?- Yes.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Not that long to go now.- I know. - Are you having it in hospital?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45No, she's going to lie down on a pile of hay like a big horse(!)
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Of course she's having it in hospital!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I just thought she might be having a homebirth.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Well, maybe if I still had that dark rug, but no.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- There you go.- Thanks.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00- Here, Beth, Beth.- Yes? - No nuts or crisps, no?- Um...
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Beth, I tell you what you could do - you could bring that ham out.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Oh, no, I don't think we...- Oh.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I'll bring the ham out.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14Let's get ready to partaaay! SHE LAUGHS
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Ah, there's Cathy.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18# La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la-la La-la, la-la-la-la... #
0:14:18 > 0:14:22What do we want? Barbecue. When do we want it? Now!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Well, actually, let's wait till it's ready
0:14:24 > 0:14:25cos I don't want to get the shits.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Oh, there's Jaz! Hiya, Jaz. How are you?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34That's me and Col just back from our holidays. Look how brown I am.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- That's not fair.- Right.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44- Here, Jaz, hold this for a minute. - Ah, there she is - the Spanish ham.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Jamon!
0:14:45 > 0:14:49# Celebrate good times, jamon!
0:14:49 > 0:14:53# Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Jamon! #
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Settle down now, Cathy.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Where shall I put it?- Just put it on top of the wheelie bin there.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- Sophie, bin! - No, she can't do it. I'll get it.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06# Everyone around the world, jamon! #
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- Start slicing it! - Eric, cut a couple of slices.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- I'll do it.- Er, I can manage. - All right, all right.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- # Jamon, Eileen, too-loo-ra-eh... # - Cathy!
0:15:18 > 0:15:20SHE GASPS Slicey, slicey.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Look at it coming away from the shin, Jaz.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- Do you have any olives, Beth? - Oh, I cannae stand them.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30That wee bit in the middle takes forever to chew.
0:15:30 > 0:15:36- Right, who's for a slice of ham? - Jamon ham!- Jamon ham.
0:15:36 > 0:15:42- Who's for a slice of jamon ham? Ian?- Aye, I'll have a bit.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Sophie?- No.- Cathy?- Oh, yes.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49- What is jamon?- It's Spanish for gammon, Christine.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- Gamon.- But the G is silent in Spanish, so it's...
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- Jamon. Jamon. But it's not a G. It's a J.- Eh?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Aye, well, it's not...
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- It's not a G, it's a J.- Is it?- Aye.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06But it's silent, as well, so they say H.
0:16:06 > 0:16:11- Oh, my God. So, you'd be Haz, Jaz. - What?- Haz.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13The J is silent. You'd be Haz.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- Here, Haz, do you want some ham? - No, I'm actually vegetarian.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Are you, Haz?
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Oh, no, no. No, no, I cannae go that.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I'll just stick to my gammon that I get in Asda. Honey roast.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Sophie still likes the one with the wee teddy face.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Oh, she loves that in her roll.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37Here, Jaz, you could try that. That could get you started.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40You'd be that happy eating your way round that wee teddy face,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42you'd never even think it was meat.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- Beth, do you want a bit? - No, I'm all right.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Oh, Beth, just try it. Spit it in the bin if you don't like it.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50If she spits that out, I'll never speak to her again.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- Hang on, have you washed your hands? - Eh?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55You shouldn't be touching the raw meat then touching that.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Ah, you're fine. It's all going down the one way.- No, no, he's right.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Away and wash your hands, Eric.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Aye, wash your hands, you manky bastard.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Jesus wept, how did we get talked into this?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Oh, bloody Cathy again.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Did Colin say to you about the cruise?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21What about it?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23He was on at me asking if we wanted to go with them when they go again.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Oh, yeah, Cathy mentioned something about it.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- What do you think?- Two weeks trapped on a boat with Cathy and Colin?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Oh, it might not be that bad, no?
0:17:34 > 0:17:38POPPING, SHE SCREAMS Hey! Hey! Oh!
0:17:39 > 0:17:43- CATHY: Aye-aye-aye! - What are you doing, Cathy?!
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- Are you all right, Mum?- Aye, apart fae nearly pishing my pants.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49It's just firecrackers. I got them in Spain.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Aye, they use them in fiestas. That's Spanish for piss-up, Jaz.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Fieth-ta. Fieth-ta.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57# Ah-ah-ah... #
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- Fast clap me, Jaz. Fast clap me. - What's going on?!
0:18:01 > 0:18:05They are just firecrackers, Beth.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10- Cathy!- Listen, Cathy, that's enough. Actually, could I have a word?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Oooh!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Boo!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Oh, there's wine on the go? - Listen, Cathy, about this cruise...
0:18:21 > 0:18:25I know that Colin's spoken to Eric about us going on one with you...
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Beth, you will love it. We can go for a colonic.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I had one and I swear I saw the back of an earring
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- floating up the pipe. - Cathy, we can't go.- What?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- We can't go, I'm afraid.- Why not?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Well...- Is it money? Cos if money's a problem...
0:18:40 > 0:18:41No, but that's very kind of you.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- I was going to say, could you not sell something?- No.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48It's more just, well, for one,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Ian and Jaz are going to be buying a flat together,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53so it's not great timing, I'm afraid.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- Is that rain?- No.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- THUNDER RUMBLES - Oh, yeah, it might be.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05THUNDER RUMBLES, RAIN POURS
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Oh, here we go! This is all we need.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10They've no even got a gazebo up or nothing.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15- Oh, for God's sake!- Jeezo!
0:19:15 > 0:19:20- Oh! Oh!- Oh, stupid bloody thing.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25- Jaz, get the ham! I mean the jamon. Get the jamon.- Oh, God!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- Where do you think you're going? - It's raining!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- The barbecue's still going, Eric. - It's a powerful gas flame, Eric.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36- A wee drop of rain'll no bother it. - Out you go.- Oh!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40This is the trouble with being back in Scotland.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42It's just fucking shit.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Oh! Ah!
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- Did you get a chance to speak to her?- She said no.- She what?
0:19:52 > 0:19:57- Something about Ian buying a flat and not enough money.- Oh, bugger.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- What are we going to do now? - Don't know.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03This whole thing is a complete wash-out.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05We should have just stayed next door.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10Bloody Beth insisting and dragging us all over here.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Won't be long till the food's ready, Christine.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Bless you, Beth. Bless you.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Sophie, are you all right? - Can I use your loo, please?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Yes, of course. Use the downstairs one.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Aw!
0:20:25 > 0:20:31- So...hi, missus. How are you doing? - Hi, Cathay.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33THUNDER RUMBLES
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- That's it coming on heavy now, isn't it?- Oh, it is, Christine.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- Bloody rain. Typical. - Aw, what a shame.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- Right enough, the forecast did say cloud.- Did it?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- Supposed to be dry tomorrow, though. - That's good.- Mind you...
0:20:49 > 0:20:53So, Christine, what's about all this money, hey?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Eh? Oh, aye, aye.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Thought any more about what you're going to do with it?
0:20:58 > 0:21:04- I thought I might slab the whole of my front garden.- Oh.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Not thought about going on a wee holiday?- A holiday?- Yes.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- When was the last time you were away?- Oh, now you're asking.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Beth, when was I in Bradford?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I don't know, Christine.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22No, when were you last abroad?
0:21:22 > 0:21:27Oh, well, I know that it was before the euro, anyway,
0:21:27 > 0:21:31because I remember I had to break a 1,000-peseta note
0:21:31 > 0:21:35to buy a lukewarm can of Fanta at Alicante airport.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41- Never thought about going on a cruise?- A cruise?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- All right.- Where's the chops?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Oh, Jesus!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Oh, bloody hell!
0:21:56 > 0:22:01I tell you, there is even - there is even, Christine -
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- a doctor on board. - Is there?- Oh, aye.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06He's got his own clinic and everything.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Oh, a clinic, Christine.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- Oh, well, that's certainly handy. - Well, it is.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I mean, Cathy had her stomach pumped in it a couple of times.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20- Here, Sophie, what do you think about a cruise?- A what?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- A cruise.- Mm.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25See, the thing that always worries us about a cruise
0:22:25 > 0:22:30- is all the viruses you get that are doing the rounds.- No, no, no.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Well, as I says to her, it only takes one wee bit
0:22:33 > 0:22:37of something in that buffet that's not hot in the middle,
0:22:37 > 0:22:41and before you know it, there's 2,000 people going at both ends.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44No, no, no, no. It's immaculate, Christine.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49I myself saw the chef taking a chicken's temperature.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52And see the toilets, Sophie - they are...
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- What are they like, Col?- Well, it's actually a pleasure to go.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59It's like an extra part of the holiday.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01OK, everybody, here we are!
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Oof, that's a beautiful platter of meat there, Jaz, eh?
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Oof, get the smell of that. Chicken, pork, lamb, beef, sausage.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11It'll be a quiet night on the farms tonight!
0:23:11 > 0:23:13THEY LAUGH Here, Beth!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16There's relish and squeezy mustard if you want it, Sophie.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Thanks, Mrs Baird. - Jaz, you can have...
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Oh, you can have a buttered roll with some salad on it.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- COLIN:- Cathy, do you want a chicken thigh?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Oh, gads! Chicken thigh? No.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I tell you what I am going to have.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I'm going to have some more of that beautiful jamon.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- Er, has everyone got a plate?- Beth!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Where's the big knife for the ham? - Kitchen.- Beth!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Bit wet out there, squire, eh?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Woohoo!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- Beth!- Anybody needing a bit of kitchen roll?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- Beth!- Yes, Christine?
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- Guess where we're thinking of going. - I don't know.- Tell her, Sophie.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- She's thinking about going on a cruise.- What?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- I'm thinking of going on a cruise.- Oh.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Oh, here, that's a point -
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- where's this cruise going to, Colin?- Er...
0:24:05 > 0:24:08The only place that I don't fancy is Egypt.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Oh, fucking snakes coming out of baskets
0:24:11 > 0:24:14and camels spitting in your face.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17To be honest, we'll just be glad of the break, won't we, Sophie?
0:24:17 > 0:24:22Oh, there's a thing - Cathy, you can babysit.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28- Are yous all going together?- Aye. Why not? It's a nice thing to do.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Does that mean you'll get yours cheaper, then?- Eh?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- You'll get yours cheaper, will you not?- No, no, no.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Cheaper? No! What are you talking about?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39We're paying a fortune, aren't we, Col?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Oh, right. It's just that my uncle's been on a lot of them,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44and if he gets his friends to go, as well,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47it means he gets a discount and an upgrade on his cabin.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- No, he... - HE STUTTERS
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- They're all different, these ships. - SHE GROANS
0:24:54 > 0:25:00- Now, Christine...- Oh, I see exactly what's going on here.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- Colin, tell her. - Just using me and my PPI.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- Now, that is not true.- Oh, aye? Well, what about what Jaz said, eh?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Oh, bollocks to Jaz. What does he know? He doesn't even eat meat.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14No! The only reason that you're asking her
0:25:14 > 0:25:17is so you can get money off for yourselves.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19It's not true. We have...
0:25:19 > 0:25:21We've always wanted to go on a cruise with you and your mum.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Haven't we, Col?- Is that why you asked us first, then?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- What?- No, we didn't.- Aye, you did.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33You asked us earlier on if we wanted to go, and we said no.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42- I am not standing for this, Colin. - Now, Cathy, hang on a minute.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45We have brought you back this beautiful jamon ham
0:25:45 > 0:25:49and a dishtowel and a... The... You...
0:25:49 > 0:25:50- The lighter.- The lighter.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52And now you're accusing me
0:25:52 > 0:25:55of being somebody who doesn't care about their friends
0:25:55 > 0:25:57and is only interested in them for what they have
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- and what they can do for me. - SHE SIGHS
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Come on, Col.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Get the ham!
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Well, there's still plenty of food if anybody wants.
0:26:34 > 0:26:40No, Beth. I don't think I could. Not after all that.
0:26:40 > 0:26:47- OK.- In fact, I think I might just go home.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- You sure?- I think I've had quite enough for one day, Eric.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Fair enough. - Do you want something away with you?
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Four burgers, two breasts of chicken and one of your round Tupperwares
0:27:00 > 0:27:02filled up to the top with salad, thanks.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05SHE SIGHS
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- It's been quite a day, hasn't it, Sophie?- Yeah.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11A rollercoaster of emotions, Beth.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Well, I think you handled it very well.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I like to think that I've kept my dignity.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Mind if I have a quick pish in your loo before I go, Beth? Thanks.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Just keep it on the slabs, Colin!
0:27:35 > 0:27:39And you can stick your Spanish gammon up your arse!
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Come on.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Ooh.
0:27:57 > 0:28:03POPPING Ah! Ooh! Ah! Beeeeeth!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Bastards!
0:28:16 > 0:28:21# Happy we'll be beyond the sea
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# And never again
0:28:23 > 0:28:26# I'll go sailing
0:28:28 > 0:28:32# No more sailing... #