0:00:02 > 0:00:04SNORING
0:00:04 > 0:00:06ALARM BLARES
0:00:09 > 0:00:10(Eric!)
0:00:12 > 0:00:13Eric!
0:00:13 > 0:00:14ERIC GROANS
0:00:14 > 0:00:17- Can you hear that? - What?
0:00:17 > 0:00:19The noise! Is that ours?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Somebody might be stealing the car.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Well, if they can get it started they're welcome to it.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Go and see whose it is.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30ERIC SIGHS
0:00:30 > 0:00:34It might not even be a car alarm - somebody might be getting burgled.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Does Christine have a burglar alarm?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40No, but she's got a picture of herself in the hall
0:00:40 > 0:00:42that scares folk off.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44You'll need to go and have a look. Go on!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47HE SIGHS
0:00:47 > 0:00:50ALARM BLARES
0:00:50 > 0:00:59This programme contains some strong language
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- Whose is it? - I don't know.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I panicked. I thought someone was nicking our car.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Aye, Beth thought it might be ours.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09No, they'll no touch yours.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I think it's coming from over the back.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- Do you think? - (Shh, listen.)
0:01:14 > 0:01:15ALARM BLARES
0:01:18 > 0:01:21It's quite soothing after a while, isn't it?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- There's no much we can do. - Nope, it'll go off eventually.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- Right, I'm away back in. - Beth awake?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Aye, aye, she woke me up. Cathy?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32No, no, she's out cold.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Once her head hits the pillow that's her
0:01:35 > 0:01:36no matter what you try.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Right...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43OK, squire, that's enough excitement for one night.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46What's that fucking noise?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48THEY SIGH
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I thought it might be my tinnitus flaring up again.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- Have you ever had tinnitus, Eric? - No.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Oh, it's like a constant grating noise in your ear
0:02:14 > 0:02:17that goes on and on and on.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20If you've never had it you won't understand.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- No, I think I understand it. - Oh, here he is.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24How did you get on?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Aye, it's a Volvo outside one of the wee bungalows.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30The guy in the next door says they're away on holiday.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Aw, bloody hell.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33He's going to phone them
0:02:33 > 0:02:35but apparently there's a bit of a time difference.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Aw, easy does it,
0:02:36 > 0:02:40we don't want to wake them up while they're on their holidays, eh?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Well, they'll need to dae something because see the batteries
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- in a Volvo, that'll be going for months.- Aw, naw!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Can they no just get into the house and get a spare key?
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Aye, why don't we set off the burglar alarm as well, eh?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Look, come on, there's nothing else we can do.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Why don't we just go to our beds, eh?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59(Eric, what is going on?!)
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Oh, there's Beth.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Beth, this is a nightmare.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06It's fine. I've been away round and checked it out,
0:03:06 > 0:03:07someone's away on their holiday.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Volvo, Beth.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Wait, is someone going to call the police?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Well, the thing is, Beth, there's not actually been a crime.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- It's one of the wee bungalows you said, Colin?- Aye.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Here, Beth, I bet it's that guy whose wife did away with herself.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26Remember, she borrowed a stepladder off you and you never got it back?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Eric, were you not going to buy a Volvo at one point?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I've never been a fan of bungalows, you know?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35You get an awful lot of spiders in them.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I'd love to stick around and chat but seeing as it's the middle
0:03:38 > 0:03:41of the night, I might actually go back to my bed.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46How we're supposed to sleep after all this carry on, I don't know.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Wee cup of tea and you'll be fine. - Are you having one, Beth?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Well, no, what I meant was...
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- Och, I'll just have one then. Come on.- OK.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04You see, what it could have been is maybe a cat
0:04:04 > 0:04:09that's jumped onto the bonnet of the car and set the alarm off.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Aye, they jump on to the bonnet after the car's been running
0:04:13 > 0:04:16to get a heat aff the engine, isn't that right, Beth?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18I don't know.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23Oh, they're notorious, cats, for loving a heat, aren't they, Beth?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Yes, Christine.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30Hmm, they like heat and they like sleep.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34That's why I will never have a cat,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36they're just lazy little monkeys.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39What about a dog?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41All that walking? Oh, fuck that.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48We don't leave our car in the driveway when we go on holiday.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50No?
0:04:50 > 0:04:54No, it goes into the long-stay car park.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Oh, I don't know about that.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Handing your car keys over to somebody you don't know.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01They could be doing anything with it.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Like what? There's security there 24 hours a day.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Aye, it's them I'd be worrying about.- What?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Security guards, ex-army.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16Listen, if they can cover up getting poor wee Iraqi blokes
0:05:16 > 0:05:19to stand on one leg and shit in a bin, they will have
0:05:19 > 0:05:23no qualms about taking your motor for a spin when your back's turned.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- Oh, gosh. - You tired, Eric?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Funnily enough, yes, I am.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34When was the last time you were up at this time of night, eh?
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Oh, with my bladder?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38There's nothing dear diary about this, let me tell you.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- Remember when we were young, we were just getting in at this time.- Aye!
0:05:42 > 0:05:46I remember we used to steal rolls from outside the baker's shop
0:05:46 > 0:05:49at five o'clock in the morning after we'd been at the dancing.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Did you ever do that, Eric? - I did, aye!
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Aye, once or twice.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- Pint of milk as well off somebody's doorstep...- Oh, aye.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00..and a newspaper as well.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Christ, I'm glad I left my handbag in the house.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04DOORBELL RINGS
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- Sophie. - Is my mum here?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Erm, yes, she is. - Oh, God, I wondered where she was.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- I got up and she wasn't in her bed. - Come in!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Oh, you're here. I wondered where you were.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Yes, I'm here. Beth insisted that I come in.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Oh, well, you could have told me.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I was worried something could have happened to you.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Oh, that's good.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34First I'm getting into trouble for poking my nose in,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37then she's complaining when I disappear
0:06:37 > 0:06:39out my bed in the middle of the night.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- You just cannae win.- You got woken up by the alarm too, did you?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- Was it a car? - Volvo, Sophie.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Well, have youse phoned the police?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- There's no point in phoning the police.- How not?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Because a crime has not been committed.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Sit down, Sophie.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58You must be absolutely knackered.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00SHE SIGHS
0:07:00 > 0:07:03The last thing you need at the minute is to be woken up at night.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07It's fine. I've not really been sleeping well lately anyway.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- No?- No.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Can you not get comfy?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I was the same when I had Ian.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15It was the kicking that would keep me up at night.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Not really had much kicking.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Sweating, Beth.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20She's getting...
0:07:20 > 0:07:22a lot of sweating.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30And peeing, peeing awful heavy.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Jesus wept.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I said to her, Beth, you'd better enjoy whatever control
0:07:35 > 0:07:37you've got of your bladder the now
0:07:37 > 0:07:39because once you've had the baby, well,
0:07:39 > 0:07:43every cough and sneeze will leave you leaking like an old fridge.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Hang on, has it stopped?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- ALARM BLARES - No, it's still going.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Here, Colin, you get back round and see what's going on.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- I'll maybe just... - Don't even think about it.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- What?- If you think you're sloping off upstairs leaving
0:08:22 > 0:08:24me here with Christine, you can forget it.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27She'll be going back in next door soon, will she no?
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Beth, more tea!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32How come it's always us that gets lumbered?
0:08:32 > 0:08:33I don't know, Eric.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Too bloody soft, that's the trouble.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38We're going to have to put the foot down, just learn to say no.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Do you want a tea as well?
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Aye, all right.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50I'm just saying if you decide now, it'll be less for you to
0:08:50 > 0:08:53think about when you come out the hospital.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57And I'm just saying that I want a name that I actually like.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I understand that, but some of the names that you're coming up
0:09:01 > 0:09:05with, they might be fashionable, but to me, they just sound daft.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- How do they?- Well, what was the one you came up wi' last night?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Shelby.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Shelby, sounds like a service station on the M6.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17All right?
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Uh-huh.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Aye, good cars, Volvos.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31We were thinking about getting one, you know.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34We didn't.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Oh, what's happening?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Well, they got a hold of them.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Oh, that's good.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48And he's trying to get in touch with his brother who's got a spare key.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- Right.- But he's on a spa weekend.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Jesus Christ.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56And where's the sister? Lying in a hammock on a desert island?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Well, there's certainly nothing to be gained by us sitting up all
0:09:58 > 0:09:59night is there?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02No, no, you away up the stairs.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06I take it, Eric, that means you won't be wanting one of these, then.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- Rolls! In the name of God! - Where did you get them?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- The shop.- The shop's no open at this time of night.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I never said I bought them!!
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- Oh, ho, ho.- Colin. - Ya dirty wee thief.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Well, after all that chat earlier, I couldn't get the idea of
0:10:21 > 0:10:22a big crusty roll out my head.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24So, come on, Beth,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27get the pan on and don't try and tell me you don't have any bacon.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Oh, come on, you're not going to start eating rolls at this
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- time are you?- I am starving.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35And I thought you were away to your bed?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Well, I'll stay up for a roll.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Sophie, will you take one?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Oh, here, you've already got a bun in the oven.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47- I wouldn't mind one, actually. - Oh.- What?!
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Christine?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Come here to me.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04One wi' bacon, one with egg.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Tell me exactly how I've ended up
0:11:08 > 0:11:12frying sausages at four o'clock in the morning? Honestly.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- Well, I said to you, didn't I? - Don't start again, Eric.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- Well, maybe this'll cheer them up a bit.- What do you mean?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Christine and Sophie. You could cut the atmosphere with
0:11:22 > 0:11:23a knife when I went through.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Sophie said they've been arguing quite a lot recently.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Aw, that's a shame, cos normally they get on so well, don't they?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Leave it!
0:11:32 > 0:11:36You wonder what people did before there were rolls, don't you?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Oh, I know.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Baps, they're called in England.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47I remember Sophie went on a trip with the school to London,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- remember Sophie?- Yeah.- Aye.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53When she came back, I said to her, "How was London?"
0:11:53 > 0:11:55She said, "It was unbelievable.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58"Trafalgar Square's a shithole,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01"rolls are called baps and a fish supper's £8."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Oh, here she comes, here's the chef.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Oh, yes.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Oh, good on you, Beth.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14OK. Right, Colin, one bacon and one square sausage.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Oh, Cath'll be sorry she missed this. She likes a bacon roll.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Should you not send her a text in case she wakes up and wonders
0:12:20 > 0:12:23where you are? Christine.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- Oh, ya beauty, a bacon roll, eh, Eric?- Aye.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Sophie, that's for you. Eric.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Oh, yes.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- You not got any bacon, Eric? - No, scrambled egg for him.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Ah, ah, it's already salted.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48Thanks very much, Beth. Much obliged to you.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- There's not too much butter on this, is there?- No.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53It's just I'm watching my cholesterol.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Just the two bits of bacon, eh?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Oh, God bless you, Beth.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- Any brown sauce, Beth?- What?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Got to have brown sauce on square sausage.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Eh? Brown sauce on a sausage?
0:13:16 > 0:13:21- Aye.- Oh, no. Tomato sauce on a sausage, brown sauce on an egg.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Brown sauce on an egg? No, that's no right.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29How is it no? Eric, what do you take on a sausage?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- Nothing.- Eh? - I don't take anything.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Well, that's all right if it's quality meat but if it's...
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Sophie, what have you got in your roll?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- Sausage. - Want a wee bit of brown sauce?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45No, thanks. Are you sure?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Oh, don't question her, it's her way or the highway.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Go on, take a wee bit, eh.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52It'll get that baby kicking.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54In fact it'll be jumping for joy when it tastes it.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Here.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Eh? Oh, got it.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Aye, Cathy.
0:14:10 > 0:14:16This place fucking stinks. Who's having brown sauce?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Revolting, that is like shit in a bottle.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- Come on in, Cathy. - You get my text?- Yes!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Do you want a roll?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28No, just coffee.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Oh, my God, what time is it? What are you all doing?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32We were wakened up by that bloody car.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- What car? - The car with the alarm going off.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- What alarm?- Did you no hear it? - No.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Ssh.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- I cannae hear it.- It's went off.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52So it has, it's stopped.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Hey!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Oh, ya dirty bastard.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07- Ah, are you all right, Sophie?- Yeah. - Do you want anything else.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- I've got a Swiss roll I can open? - I'm fine, Mrs Baird.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Is everything all right with you and your mum?
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Yeah, it's fine. Listen, I wanted to ask you something.
0:15:19 > 0:15:25I was wondering if you and Mr Baird would consider being my godparents?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- What?- Well, godparents to the baby? - Oh!
0:15:29 > 0:15:33I've been thinking about who I should ask and, well,
0:15:33 > 0:15:38I've known you my whole life and you always make me feel so welcome.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41My mum wants me to ask Pat over the back but I would just rather
0:15:41 > 0:15:44it wasn't someone that was such a heavy smoker.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I would rather it was someone that I've chosen.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Oh, Sophie. We'd love to.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53You don't have to if you don't want to.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Of course we want to.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00- You've not told your mum yet? - No.- Oh, that's good.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05And then she thought about Jade.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Aw, nice name, Jade.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Nah, I don't like it.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14I picture quite an evil wee lassie, do you know what I mean?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Jade. Jade.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23You can just imagine her poking at your eyes when you're sleeping.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24God almighty.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I quite like Jeanette.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Oh, you cannae call a baby Jeanette.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- How no?- Jeanette. - What about India?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- As a name?- Yes. It's a nice name. India.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44India, in you come now, in for your bath.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49India, upstairs, Mummy's very cross. Indiaaaaa!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Aye, all right, Cath. It's a nice name, India.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- It's unusual. - And what if it's twins?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57What do we call the other one, Pakistan?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59What's going on?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Oh, they're talking about names.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Och, don't start this again, I swear to God.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10I was just saying Sophie, India's a nice name. India O'Neil.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Sounds like a film star.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- Aye, what kind of film? - What were you thinking of Sophie?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Well, I quite like...- Christine!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20No, I don't want to talk about this.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Every time I say the ones that I'm thinking of,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25she just says that she doesn't like them.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27That's not true!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Sophie, which names do you like, mmm?
0:17:32 > 0:17:38Well, the names that I like are, for a girl, Dakota.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Oh.- ..and if it's a boy, Brandon.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- No.- It's very difficult.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49We had a terrible time trying to decide what to call Ian.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Mmm.- I can imagine, you'd just get fed up and go for anything
0:17:52 > 0:17:54in the end, wouldn't you?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Do you know what? I quite like Ian.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Christine, Jeanette for a girl and Ian for a boy.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Uh-huh.- Are you joking? - How do you mean?
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Ian and Jeanette, that's the bloody Krankies.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Oh, oh, so it is.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15Oh, I never even thought. Oh, I cannae stand them.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Them and Mr Blobby. Remember Mr Blobby, Beth?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- What?- That was the entertainment.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24That was just somebody going aboot pissing people off.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Well, I'm sure we'll settle on something.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Right, everybody finished?
0:18:29 > 0:18:33What time is it? Time we called it a night, I reckon.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Beth? Bitsy, bitsy, pretty please,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37could I have a tiny wee bit more coffee, pleeeease?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Oh, God Cathy, it's ...
0:18:39 > 0:18:41To be fair, I could go another tea, actually.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45You need something to wash down your roll, don't you?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Anybody else?
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Have you got any Irn Bru, Beth?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55God, don't start, it's contagious.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- What is?- Yawning.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01You see someone yawn, the next thing you're at it yourself.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Look.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Oh, no, I can't get it. Eric, do another one.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Christine, you watch, see if it makes you do one, too.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I cannae just do it. I mean, you have to wait.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15All right, we'll wait.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Have you got one coming?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Oh, I think so. Hang on, hang on.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- Argh!- When were you last at the dentist?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- Right, here- you are. Awww. - Aw, nooo!!
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I nearly had it there.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Beth. You spoiled Christine's yawn.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Can we get the telly on?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Och, there's nothing on at this time.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53There's just roulette, old episodes of Morse and deaf EastEnders.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54I quite like that.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55I'll stick the news on.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01You got Sky News, Eric?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Aw, that mob.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Oh, somebody farts and before you know it, they've got the chopper out
0:20:08 > 0:20:12and then Kay Burley's chapping on folks' doors asking how it smelled.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Col. Psst, Colin, it's boring.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- I know, I know. - Oh, God, it's so boring.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28It's just stuff happening and people talking about it.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Eric, put the subtitles on.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I like to see them making mistakes.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Put something else on!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Eric!- Well, what do you want?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Go up, keep going up.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Oh, there's the juicers for sale.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Here, Christine, you want a juicer?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51No. I've got juice in the fridge.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53What is that?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55House of Commons.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58House of Lords.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00House of Lords.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Freeloading bastards.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04No.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07No, keep going.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18Wait a wee minute, what was that there? Go back.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20No, back another one.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24'Call me now. I'm ready and waiting.'
0:21:24 > 0:21:25What's going on here?
0:21:25 > 0:21:30Oh, that, that's just a phone in thing, I think, or, or text.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Just a bit of fun.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Get that off, Eric!
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- 'Putting horticulture back into education.'- No.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45No.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48No.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51What's that?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54It's Gaelic. It's the news in Gaelic.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Lost sheep and cancelled ferries, big deal.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:01 > 0:22:02What's that?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04That's us in the radio channels now.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Turn it up a bit, will you, Eric?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I know that, what is it?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12It's the music for the shipping forecast.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Oh.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18# De-da-lee-de-de-de
0:22:21 > 0:22:26# De-de-de-de-de-de-de. #
0:22:28 > 0:22:31'Now, the shipping forecast issued by the Met Office on
0:22:31 > 0:22:33'behalf of the Maritime and Coastguard Agency.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37'South west 40, Cromarty fourth, westerly or north-westerly four or five,
0:22:37 > 0:22:42'becoming variable three or four. Showers, good.'
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Showers are bad.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46He just said, "Showers, good." Showers are bad.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49'Showers, good. South Biscay...'
0:22:49 > 0:22:54- Biscay, where's Biscay? - Shoosh!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56'North or north-west four or five.'
0:22:56 > 0:22:59What's this? Put something else on.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- We've been through all the channels. - Just leave this on, it's quite nice.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06'South-westerly five to seven but three or four at first...'
0:23:06 > 0:23:11Aw, come on, son, five to seven, maybe a four.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13He'd be nae use at the bingo, him, would he?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15I mean, who listens to this?
0:23:15 > 0:23:16It's for boats.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Who's out on a boat at this time?
0:23:19 > 0:23:26Fishermen, Cathy. Drug smugglers. Folk sneaking about on canoes.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Maybe somebody...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Aye, all right, can we just hear it?
0:23:32 > 0:23:36'Rain, fog patches...'
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Fog patches.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42You know, I used to listen to this when I was up during the
0:23:42 > 0:23:44night wi' her.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48I used to put her doon about three after her feed and I'd grab
0:23:48 > 0:23:51a couple of hours then myself.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55But round about this time, I would hear her starting to squawk
0:23:55 > 0:23:59and I'd think, "Oh, she's ready for another load."
0:23:59 > 0:24:03So I'd get you up on to my knee, pull nightie down at the
0:24:03 > 0:24:09front and you'd latch right on and away you'd go.
0:24:10 > 0:24:16Sook, sook, sook. Gulping away.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Oh, aye, quite happy.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- Oh! Oh!- What is it?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I felt something.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Oh, is it kicking?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- Oh, my God, there it goes again! - Oh, hello!
0:24:35 > 0:24:40Do you want a feel, Cath?
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Hiya.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Christine!
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Oh.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Oh, ho, there it goes.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53That's your grandchild in there, Christine.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- Speak to it.- Eh?- Speak to it!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- And say what? - Anything, you're its granny.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Oh, aye.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Hello in there.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- I don't know what to say. - Just say whatever's in your heart.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Did you enjoy your roll? I enjoyed mine.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33I had tomato sauce with it, not brown.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36The bacon was a wee bit fatty, but hey ho.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39The roll itself was lovely.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42So...
0:25:45 > 0:25:49I'm looking forward to seeing you, I really am.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I think it's stopped kicking now.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59You've sent it back to sleep, Christine.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Oh, your hair's needing washed.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- Well, I don't know about anybody else but I'm knackered.- Aye.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Beth, could I have a little bit more coffee, please?
0:26:13 > 0:26:14No!
0:26:14 > 0:26:18I don't think I'm going to bother wi' any breakfast, you know.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Oh, I'll maybe have some cornflakes about 11.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Mind you, that's quite close to lunchtime, isn't it?
0:26:25 > 0:26:29I don't know what I'm going to have for my lunch.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31How many rolls did he...?
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Come back round about 12
0:26:32 > 0:26:34and I'll make you one for your lunch, Christine.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45- Thanks, Mrs Baird. - No bother, pet.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- Bye.- Bye.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49- Night, squire.- Goodnight.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51We should do this again, Eric.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Yeah.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06Come on, leave it. You can get it in the morning.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- I don't want to go to bed, Col. - Come on Cathy.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Oh, please Col. Please, please, please.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Come on, Cath. Let's get to our bed.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23- Can we go to McDonalds? Let's go to McDonalds.- No.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Col!
0:27:28 > 0:27:34Christ, you never know what's going to happen next round here.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Sophie asked me if we'd be godparents to the baby.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- She did not.- She did.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47- And what did you say? - Well, I said, "Yes!"
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Oh, dear God.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Oh, well, it's quite nice really, isn't it?
0:27:54 > 0:27:55I think so.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02I wonder if it's going to be a boy or a girl.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04I hope it's a girl.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08- What was the name she had for a girl again?- Dakota.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Oh, aye, that's right. North or South?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14- Night.- Night.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28CAR ALARM BEEPS
0:28:32 > 0:28:37Colin! Oh, Colin, I've done something!
0:28:38 > 0:28:39Shit! Shit! Shit!