0:00:02 > 0:00:05- Do you think that's enough potatoes? - Let's see.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09Jaz isn't a big eater, Ian, he'll take three,
0:00:09 > 0:00:12there's Colin, Cathy won't take that much,
0:00:12 > 0:00:15I'll take a couple of roast, and you...
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Yeah, I'd better do more.
0:00:20 > 0:00:27This programme contains strong language
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Cathy!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45This wine isn't that cold, Cath.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Oh, Eric's had his strimmer out.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50The garden's looking very nice.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56DOORBELL RINGS
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Cathy, look...
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Don't even speak to me, you little...COCK!
0:01:01 > 0:01:02DOOR OPENS
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Oh, hi, Eric.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Hi, Eric.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Bottle of wine for our lovely host.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Oh, very kind of you.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21What have we got here?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- Spanish.- Screw top.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Ah.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26So...how are youse doing?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Good, yeah, uh-huh, really happy.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- Will I...?- Yeah, lovely.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Yeah, go for it, Eric, fuck it!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Right.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Beth, that's Cath and Col here.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Oh, here she is.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Hi, Cath.- Hello, missus.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Oh, you smell all kitchen.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Oh.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- You all right, Beth? - Fine, yes, it's all under control.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Is it, Beth? That's good. So am I.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Well, something smells good, eh?
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Leg of lamb.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03A leg of lamb?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Eric, a leg of lamb?!
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Aye. That's a Sunday lunch.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Oh, aye.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09How long since we did this, eh?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Aye, too long!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Well, it's good to keep the traditions going, isn't it?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I mean, like when we all get together for...
0:02:15 > 0:02:20Well, for Sunday lunch, Christmas, funerals.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Well, I hope youse all like roast potatoes.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Roast potatoes on the go, eh?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Not just any old potatoes, though, eh?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Oh, really, Eric? Special potatoes, Beth(!)
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Well, no, not really.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35We just picked up a big bag at the farmers' market yesterday.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Ooh, farmers' market.
0:02:38 > 0:02:44Big sausages in brown paper and Land Rovers and pigs with no heads.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Aye.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51Well, you're more than welcome to take some away if you want.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52And do what with them?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- Well, cook them.- No.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Hello!
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Ah!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00It's Ian and Jaz! Ian and Jaz.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Peck on the lips, peck on the lips, Jaz.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Oh, I bet he's a lovely kisser, Ian.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10You all right, Jaz? Feeling OK?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- Fine, yeah. - Have you not been well, Jaz?
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Erm, I...
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Yeah, but he's going back to work tomorrow.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Are you?
0:03:16 > 0:03:17It's no big deal, is it?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- DING! - Ah.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Of course it's not. Are you nervous about it, Jaz?- Cathy.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- Hold your hand out.- What?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27A little bit shaky.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30It'll be fine. There's nothing to worry about.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Ian!- That's your mum wanting you to give her a hand.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I should go as well.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Get a look at Beth's big potatoes.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Stress you were off with, wasn't it?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56So, everything all right? What have you been up to?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Not much, pretty quiet.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Been saving up to buy a house and...- Yeah, that's great.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Beth, could you open a window?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04It's really hot in here and it really smells.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05What are we having?
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Lamb.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Leg of lamb!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10What's Jaz getting?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- Oh, God.- What's the matter?
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Jaz is a vegetarian.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Oh, no.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17He can have the potatoes, though. What else have you got, Beth?
0:04:17 > 0:04:22Eggs, tin of tuna...
0:04:22 > 0:04:24He won't eat any of that.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Lettuce.- Look, there's all these potatoes here.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31He can have a baked potato, or a potato pie.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I'll just go to the shop and pick something up.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Oh, my God! What about a potato sandwich?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I am not making Jaz a potato sandwich, Cathy.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42My God, Beth, there's loads.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- I know.- These are organic as well.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Are they?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Well, the shit's still on them, they must be.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51So, that'll be you up and out your bed at a decent time tomorrow?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Yeah.- Ooft! That'll be a shock to the system.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Aw, you know...- And see the roads at that time in the morning.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Oh, it'll be OK.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Aye. Is it M8 you go?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Yeah.- Eric?- Eh?
0:05:03 > 0:05:04M8 in the morning?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06That's the way you used to go, isn't it?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Oh, aye, aye. Oh, God, that was a nightmare.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You said it was like Wacky Races, did you no'?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Aye, when it's moving. - Well, that's one thing, Jaz.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16You cannae get killed when you're at a standstill.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Although, if something rams something from behind,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21you do get the concertina effect.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Oh, aye, nasty.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24And that wee Corsa of yours with the sunroof,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26you could pop out of that like a jack in the box.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- I'm just nipping to the shop. - You what?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29I'll be ten minutes.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31I could always get the train.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33The train. Yes. Good idea.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Aye, plenty of folk take the train.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Let the train take the strain.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42See that crush at the barriers at Edinburgh last week?
0:05:42 > 0:05:43HE INHALES
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Cathy, get the parsnips out of there, would you, please?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57They're like white carrots.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02There you go.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Ta.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Is everything all right with you and Colin?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Well, yeah.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19More or less.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Oh, Beth, I don't know what to do.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26What is it, Cathy?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Colin was out on Friday night with all those WANKERS
0:06:29 > 0:06:30from the golf club
0:06:30 > 0:06:32and when he came in he said they'd been in a pub,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35but then last night I was on the Facebook
0:06:35 > 0:06:36and he had been tagged into a picture
0:06:36 > 0:06:38that was taken...
0:06:38 > 0:06:40in a lap dancing bar.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Oh. Are you sure?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Oh! That's definitely a lap dancing bar.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Oh, Sophie, there's Ian.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Ian!
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- Hi, Christine. Hi, Sophie.- Hiya.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Is this you in doing your shopping?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I'm just getting something for Jaz for his lunch.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14Hey, there's tins of custard round there reduced to 59,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- in't that right, Sophie?- Yeah.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Custard wi' a banana sliced into it, you ever had that, Ian?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21No.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23There's UHT milk as well
0:07:23 > 0:07:25that's originally been part of a multi pack.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Is there? Right, listen I'd better...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Watch your step roond there,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33cos some wee lassie went and smashed a bottle of white wine vinegar.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38The yellow triangle's up, but no sign of the blue roll as yet.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Well, it's nice to see you. - Aye, you, too.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Here, how come you're daein your shopping in here?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49You've got that big Tesco right at your back door.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Oh, no, we're up at my mum's.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Oh, right.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56So how come you're having to buy Jaz his lunch?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Well, we're all...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04..having lamb.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Lamb? Oh, I like lamb.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13So, if I phone up to query my bill, you're the guy that answers?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16No, not straight away. You go through the options first.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Oh, aye, aye. Press one for billing, two for meter readings,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22three for such and such and a' that shite.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- Yeah.- So, I choose my option and then you pick up?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Yeah. Well, as long as there's not a queue.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- The queue.- Oh, jeez.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- With the music.- Oh, God!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Do you get a say as to what music it is that they play?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- No.- No?- It comes from head office.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Oh, here, he's got the lingo down to a T, Eric.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42"It's nothing to dae wi' me - it's head office."
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Fat cat central.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Aye, they're daein all right.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47The poor workers don't see any of it.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50There's poor Jaz, stressed to breaking point,
0:08:50 > 0:08:51getting paid peanuts.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52And no rights.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Sack you on the spot if they like.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57So, I'm on the phone, I've done everything I'm meant to.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I've pressed my buttons, I've waited in my queue,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I've hung on and hung on and hung on
0:09:02 > 0:09:07and I've finally got to the front, and I am ready for blood.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Is that where you come in?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I'm just going to the toilet.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Oh, there we go, that's us.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27He's a good, smooth driver, isn't he, Sophie?
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Lovely.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30More than can be said for some of they private hires
0:09:30 > 0:09:32we've been getting.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33What are they like, Sophie?
0:09:33 > 0:09:37I said to that one last week, "Hey, hey, she's pregnant
0:09:37 > 0:09:41"and I've had a big lunch, so less of the Lewis Hamiltons."
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Look, these nights out, Cathy, they end up having too much to drink
0:09:48 > 0:09:50and then they just get carried away.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52That's what he said.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55He said he kept his eyes shut and his hand on his pint.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- Well, there you go. - I don't believe him.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Cathy.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Look at me Beth. Look at me!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Look at my arse. Hmm?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I've done spin classes for seven years, Beth.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I've done pilates for five.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09I've had... I've had my teeth whitened.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I've been waxed, bleached and douched,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15all so he can walk into a bar and watch some young girl
0:10:15 > 0:10:17that's travelled halfway across the world in the boot of a car
0:10:17 > 0:10:20slide up and down a pole for 15 quid!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Oh, Cathy.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I mean, sometimes, Beth, I wish I was more like you
0:10:24 > 0:10:27and I didn't give a shit what I looked like.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36CHRISTINE: Oh, bastard sciatica.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Just dump they bags there the now, Sophie.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39What?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I bumped into them in the supermarket.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Oh, you're here as well, eh?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47No show without punch.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49We won't stop long, Eric.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52We don't want to outstay our welcome,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55although a welcome usually follows an invitation
0:10:55 > 0:10:56and there wasnae one of those.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Mum.- Where's Jaz?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- He's...- Beth busy, is she?
0:11:00 > 0:11:01She's in the kitchen.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Oh, right, aye. She'll have her hands full, eh?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Too full to pick up the fucking phone and ring me.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Mum!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- Oh, hi, Christine.- Mum, where's Jaz?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- I don't know. - He's away off for a slash, Beth.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Hello, Beth.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Hope you don't mind us dropping by.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21We bumped into Ian in the supermarket.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22No, no, it's fine.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Something smells nice.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Would you like to stay and have something to eat?
0:11:32 > 0:11:37Oh, no, we've got quiche there that's need to be used by tonight.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Oh, right.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41And there's fresh cream for on top of my Viennetta,
0:11:41 > 0:11:42that'll need to go in the fridge.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- Well, it was just a... - And fish fingers as well.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I'm shovelling those omega threes into her.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Well, Pat over the back,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53her daughter took them and see that granddaughter of hers,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55talk about smart.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Pat only has to shout "cigarette"
0:11:58 > 0:12:01and that wee one's right there wi' the lighter.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Well, if you'd like to stay, you're more than welcome.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Uh-huh.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08What are you having?
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Lamb.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14With?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Potatoes.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17What kind of potatoes?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Boiled and roast.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I don't mind roast.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Well, then, I'll stick a couple of extra in.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Oh, but not great, big ones.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26OK, wee ones.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Aye, just wee ones. Could you slice them up?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Yeah, fine.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Not too thin, though.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Not too thin.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Quite chunky.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Chunky - what like chips?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Oh, chips would be lovely.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Jaz?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Jaz, are you in there?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02So how's young Sophie, then?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I still feel a bit sick in the mornings.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06I sometimes get that.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I don't know what it is.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I find the best thing is to actually just be sick.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15That's good you're getting out to the supermarket
0:13:15 > 0:13:17for a wee breath of fresh air.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20She went into the town yesterday as well, didn't you?
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Yeah.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23She needed a bigger bra.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Say no more. Personal information.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Aye, there's a hell of a weight in them.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Mum.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36What?
0:13:36 > 0:13:37I'm busy. What is it?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- Are you sure?- Yes, I'm sure.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Jaz, are you in there?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Have you made a mess?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Hands up who's been to the carvery?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Oh, we've been several times, haven't we, Cath?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Eric, you been?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Eh, no' for a while, no.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- I took Sophie on her birthday, didn't I?- Oh, don't.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18She had a bit of everything - the lamb, beef, pork, turkey.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- Turkey can be dry.- Aye.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22You had gravy though, didn't you, Sophie?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Oh, Cath likes gravy, don't you?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27She pours it into her Yorkshire pudding.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Do you, Cathy?
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Jaz.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Jaz!
0:14:41 > 0:14:42What's going on?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44We think Jaz has locked himself in the toilet.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Oh, has he?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Let me have a little word with him.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Jaz, get out, I need to pee
0:14:50 > 0:14:52and, if I piss my pants, you're clearing it up.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Cathy!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56What on earth is the matter with him?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58He's worried about going back to work tomorrow.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Jaz, are you stressed?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Are you panicking?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Are you having a panic attack?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Are you having a breakdown?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I tell you what, I'm getting a bit peckish.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I'll go and check the meat.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Aye, go and have a look and see how it's doing.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Oh, here, Eric, did she say it was roast potatoes she was doing?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Aye.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Any chance of a wee bit of mash?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I like a bit of mash to mop up my gravy.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Oh, aye, mash. Lovely.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34Eric, could I have a bit of mash, too?
0:15:34 > 0:15:35What about your chips?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Och, go on, I'll have chips as well.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43At least speak to me so I know you're all right.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Beth, get the ladder up and have a look in.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47No.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Remember you did that when you thought Eric was masturbating
0:15:49 > 0:15:50in the afternoons?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55We'll need to batter the door down.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58We are not battering the door down.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Jaz, just let us know you're all right.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Oh...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07We didn't know what was going on!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Yes, Jaz, you stupid little shit.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Cathy, down the stairs.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Beth, see the potatoes, is it all right if I have the tiny roast ones?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Oh, do you want chips as well?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18No, not chips!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Little square ones, like you get in Spain.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Patatas they're called. Patatas potatoes!
0:16:23 > 0:16:24What's the matter?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I can't go back to work tomorrow.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- What's going on? - It's fine, it's nothing.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38It's nothing, Colin. Some things are private, actually.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42I thought wee Jaz might be having a breakdown.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- He is, aye. - Look, he's not having a breakdown.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Just a wee one.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Oh, I've said from the day and hour I met that boy
0:16:50 > 0:16:54that I could just picture him being sectioned.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Is he OK, Mrs Baird?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57He's fine, Sophie.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Are you getting him taken away, are you?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01No! Nobody is getting taken away.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04He just needed a couple of minutes to himself.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08It's when they start shaving their heads like Britney Spears.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Jaz would really suit having his head shaved.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Cathy!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Sophie, would you like Jaz to shave his head?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Jaz is not going to shave his head, Cathy.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Now that's enough!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21He's fine.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23He just gets a bit uptight
0:17:23 > 0:17:26and the last thing he needs is for us lot to be going on about it,
0:17:26 > 0:17:28so can we just let it go, OK?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31OK?!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Tell you something, another half an hour of this
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and she could snap like a fucking twig herself.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46We can just go up the road if you want.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- No, I'm fine.- You sure?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Yeah, better off here.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Keeps my mind off things, being round people, chatting and stuff.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57REMAINING WINE SLOSHES
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Oh, hi, Jaz.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01In you come, Jaz.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Oh, there's Jaz, my wee pal.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Come on, you, and sit next to me, son.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Oh, there you go.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12This is nice this, Jaz, eh?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Everybody getting together and sitting down,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18waiting on the potatoes.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Would you like a drink of something, Jaz?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Er, just a glass of water, please.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Aye, that's good, son.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Just because you cannae face reality
0:18:27 > 0:18:31does not mean that you have to hit the bottle.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34That was good of Ian getting your vegetarian meal, eh, Jaz?
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Aw!
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- Aye.- Sophie, remember you tried it.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Yeah.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Oh, I mind of that, eh?
0:18:41 > 0:18:46I was away getting her nut roasts and peppers stuffed wi' cheese.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49The first time I sat down to a steak pie,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52she was circling my chair like a vulture.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I've often thought about going vegetarian myself.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Don't talk shit.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I have!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00There's lots of vegetables I like.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I like peas, I like carrots, I like sweetcorn.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Christ, who do you think you are, the Hungry fucking Caterpillar?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09CHUCKLING
0:19:11 > 0:19:14JAZ CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Oh, Christ, don't tell me he's losing it again.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Pierce the film on this shepherd's pie
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- and stick it in the microwave. - Who's having this?- Jaz!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Right, get everyone sat down.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Right, folks, that's us. Grub's up.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Oh, lovely, Eric.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Will you manage, Sophie?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Oh, she'll be fine, but I'll need a wee pull up.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Here, Ian, come on. That's it, son.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Are you ready for a nice, big meal, are you, Sophie?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I'm not really hungry.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Oh.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Cathy, you and Colin go there.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56No, no, no, no, I'm going to sit next to Sophie.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Where will I go?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Next to Christine.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Sophie, anything I don't want, I'll shove it on your plate, yeah?
0:20:04 > 0:20:09Just clear all this shite out of the way cos I like to lean right in.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- HE INHALES - Oh, smell that lamb.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16Do you smell it, Christine? Smell that lamb!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Indeed I do.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Do you smell it, Ian?
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Aye.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Eh, Jaz, smell...?
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Oh, sorry.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Right, here we are!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Wahey!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Aye, just...help yourselves.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36OK, Cathy, you'll take roast?
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Yes, please, missus.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Colin?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Mash and three roast, Beth.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Mash and three roast.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Christine, your chips.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Eh, just give me them here.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I'll just scrape them all onto my plate.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Any vinegar, Beth?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Eric, vinegar.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59Oh, Eric, any mint sauce?
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Sophie?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Just a tiny bit for me, Mrs Baird, honestly.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Eh, Eric, microwave.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07- Thank you, Eric.- Ian?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Just some boiled.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I'll take a couple of boiled as well.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Beth, this mash is lovely.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Aye, I'll take some mash an' all.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Whoa, there you go. Personal service, eh?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Your own personal pie man waiting on you!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Oh, yuck!
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Oh, gads, that is so gross.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Look at it, Sophie. Look at that!
0:21:36 > 0:21:37No, you're all right.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- Is it meant to look like that? - That is just muck.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44BETH: Three and a half minutes it said and that's what I gave it.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46It's fine, Mrs Baird.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Are you sure?- Yeah, honestly.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50You enjoy it, son.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53You'll be back locked in that loo before you know it.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Right, has everybody got?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh, sorted, lovely.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01In fact, why don't I do a wee toast?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Why don't you not bother?
0:22:05 > 0:22:12Thanks to...to Beth and Eric, for not only these beautiful potatoes
0:22:12 > 0:22:16that you have sourced for us, but also the magnificent leg of lamb,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19which I think we'd all agree is absolutely delicious.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Well, no', you, Jaz, because, well, you've got your pie,
0:22:22 > 0:22:26but take it from me, son, this is melt-in-your-mouth stuff.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30So, here's to you, Beth and Eric.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Eric and Beth!
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Oh, and... And good luck to Jaz on his first day back at work tomorrow.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Jaz!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Er, he's not going.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Oh, well...
0:22:42 > 0:22:47Well, good luck back at the doctors trying to get your...
0:22:47 > 0:22:48your sick note.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Cheers.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Well, this is nice, isn't it? Nice getting everybody together.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Traditional Sunday lunch, eh?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Exactly!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06See when I was a wee boy,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08see, no matter what was going on,
0:23:08 > 0:23:12we always sat down together on a Sunday and had a bit of meat,
0:23:12 > 0:23:16a few potatoes and a bit of pudding for afters.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19There's plenty of potatoes if anybody wants.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20We should do this more often, eh?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Oh, well, your turn next then, eh, Cathy?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Oh, fuck that!
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Oh, right, what is the matter wi' you?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Who? Me?
0:23:31 > 0:23:36No, the other torn-faced cow that's sookin' on a leccy fag behind you.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- Aye, you!- Christine!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Oh, well, no wonder, Beth.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43She's been cuttin aboot here wi' a face like a smacked arse
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- the whole day.- Excuse me?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Cathy, just don't.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49It's all right, Beth. It's all right.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53I am sorry, Christine, if I am not my usual cheery self today,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56but I happen to be dealing with a personal matter
0:23:56 > 0:23:59and that's how it shall remain, personal.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07What happened?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10He's been at the lap dancing.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Oh.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Now, hang on.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Dirty dog.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Dirty wee dog.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- Look, it's no' how it sounds. - Oh, is it not(?)
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Nothing happened!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23How, did you forget your wallet?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Maybe now's not the time to go through this.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28He said he was on a golf club night out
0:24:28 > 0:24:32and then on Facebook he was tagged in a picture
0:24:32 > 0:24:34in a lap dancing club.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39Oh, I can just see him with the boobs in the face, grinning away.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42So gross.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Hey, Beth, see Pat over the back?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Her nephew went to one o' them in Aberdeen.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51£75 for a can of Red Bull and a dry hump
0:24:51 > 0:24:53aff a wee lassie in a denim skirt.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Naw, naw, naw. Look, it wasnae like that.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58It was actually...
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Well, it was actually quite a classy place.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- What's it called?- Sliders.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03SHE GASPS
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Look, why don't we just have our dinner and leave this?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07I can't eat!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Here, Sophie, give me her meat over.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14It's not that big a deal, is it?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Em, pardon?
0:25:16 > 0:25:20It's not like it's nothing that you can't see anywhere else.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22I mean, if you're on a beach and people are topless,
0:25:22 > 0:25:23do you know what I mean?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Exactly, Ian!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I mean, Eric, you've seen topless women on the beach?
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Well...
0:25:28 > 0:25:32- And there's nothing sexual about it, is there?- No, no, it's-it's...
0:25:32 > 0:25:35It's just quite...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37It's like a wee bonus.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Look, we were all out, it was one of the boys' birthdays,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43the pubs were shutting and a few of the lads
0:25:43 > 0:25:45fancied going on somewhere else.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47It was just a bit of a laugh.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49"A bit of a laugh"?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51So you're telling me you just went, sat there,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53had a drink and that was it?
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Well...
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Well, all right, I mean, I...
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I had a dance thing.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Ah, here we go.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02What dance?
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Well, we were just chatting and, well, the next thing I knew,
0:26:06 > 0:26:07well, I turned round and...
0:26:07 > 0:26:11At first I actually thought the lassie had dropped something.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12WHAT?!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14But, Cathy... Cathy, listen.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17The thing is...nothing happened!
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Oh, you must think I am stupid!
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I'm telling you, nothing happened.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27As in, nothing happened!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Like, nothing happened!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- Didn't it?- No!
0:26:35 > 0:26:36It only happens when it's...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42It only happens when it's you and me.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- Really?- Aye.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- Honestly?- Yes!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Oh, Col!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Colin.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Not even a semi?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06No.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Oh, this is the best Sunday ever!
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Beth, go and get us a bottle of wine.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Actually, fuck it, I'll go.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21You've been stuck in that shitty little kitchen all day.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24COLIN EXHALES
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Good. So we can all get on with our lunch now.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Beth, my chips are cold.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Can you heat them up?
0:27:37 > 0:27:38I don't really like this.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- # It's getting hot in here... # - Oh, Christ.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- # So take off all your clothes... # - Here she goes!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# I am getting so hot I'm going to take my clothes off... #
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Cathy.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# It's getting hot in here so let me pour you wine
0:27:50 > 0:27:54# With a little bit of oh-oh and a little bit of ah-ah. #
0:27:54 > 0:27:56- Is it starting yet?- Oh, yes.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Anybody want more potatoes or anything?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00# Good gracious, ass is bodacious... #
0:28:00 > 0:28:02And...slut drop!
0:28:02 > 0:28:03CHEERING
0:28:03 > 0:28:05# And a little bit oh-oh And a little bit ah-ah... #
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Whoo!
0:28:07 > 0:28:10# Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
0:28:10 > 0:28:13# Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me...? #
0:28:13 > 0:28:15RETCHING AND COUGHING
0:28:15 > 0:28:16# De-de de-de, don't ya? #
0:28:21 > 0:28:23SHE SIGHS
0:28:32 > 0:28:36# All that meat and no potatoes
0:28:36 > 0:28:37# Just ain't right
0:28:37 > 0:28:39# Like green tomatoes
0:28:39 > 0:28:42# Yeah, I'm waiting, palpitatin'
0:28:42 > 0:28:46# For all that meat and no potatoes
0:28:56 > 0:29:00# All that meat and no potatoes. #