0:00:04 > 0:00:07Right, Dad, come on, that's you. You all right?
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Get off! I'm fine.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13This isn't your house, is it?
0:00:13 > 0:00:15- Aye.- Have you done it up?
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Aye, well, we had the roughcast cleaned,
0:00:17 > 0:00:20new windows there and we've got the mono-blocked driveway too.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Do you like it?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Naw.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Aye, come on, let's go. Here.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30OK, leave me alone.
0:00:30 > 0:00:35This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Here he is, birthday boy.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Hi, Willie, how are you?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43What's wi' all this shite?
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Ah, it's for your birthday, Willie, we are celebrating.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I'm 79, hen.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52The only thing I'm celebrating is getting a full piss out in one go.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Right.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14How old did Colin say his dad was?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Was it not 70-something?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Jeezo.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I've no' seen him for years.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- Well, he's been in that nursing home hasn't he?- Aye.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- Cathy says he's not that happy there.- No?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26No. He's been causing a few problems for the staff.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28They thought he could do with the odd day out,
0:01:28 > 0:01:29see his family a bit more.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32And they thought that would cheer him up?!
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Hi there, Colin.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Hello. Ho, ho, ho.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36In you come, come on.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41There you go, Willie.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Dad, that's... That's Eric and Beth here.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Hello, Willie.- Hiya, Willie.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Oh, Beth and Eric.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Oh!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55It's Beth and Eric, Willie.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Who's this?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03It's Beth and Eric. They stay next door.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Remember Eric changed that tyre for you that time?
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Oh, aye.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07How you doing?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I can see where he put the old one.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12What have you got there, missus?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Fudge. I made you some fudge for your birthday, Willie.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Oh, wow-ee.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Look at the beautiful clingfilm all tucked in underneath
0:02:21 > 0:02:22for your birthday, Willie.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Are you wanting to try a bit now with your cup of tea?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Fudge? With tea?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29OK, OK.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Fudge. With a cup of tea!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33All right, Dad, all right.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Maybe have it later.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37A biscuit! A biscuit with tea.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Right, OK, Willie, I'll get you a biscuit - chocolate biscuit.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Naw, naw, naw, no' a chocolate biscuit.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44A plain biscuit?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46We've got plain biscuits, I could...
0:02:46 > 0:02:47No, no, no, you're all right, Beth.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48S'all right Beth.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50We've got digestives.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Right, would anyone else like anything? Eric, a Penguin?
0:02:55 > 0:02:56- No.- You sure?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I thought you liked Penguins.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- No, I'm fine. - What about a drink or something?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Well...- Would you like a beer?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- Aye, I'll take a beer.- I'll have a beer as well. Two beers, Cath.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Two beers. Beth?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09I'll come through and give you a hand.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11No, no, no, you sit down.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13You're the guest today, I have got this.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Oh, well, just a cup of coffee for me, then.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20OK, then. So that is three coffees, two Penguins and a beer for Willie.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31No' bad weather we've been having lately, eh?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Aye.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Been decent up your way has it, Willie?
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Naw.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41You all right, Cath?
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Oh, hi, Beth.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44How are you managing?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Good, yeah, no problem, just...
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Willie all right, is he?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58He is absolutely fine. He's no problem at all.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59You know, I said to Colin,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I think those nurses up there exaggerate things.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03DOORBELL RINGS
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You know, lazy cows.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08If they haven't got the patience to deal with old people,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10they shouldn't be in the job in the first place.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Is he staying the night?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13No chance.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Christine!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Is he here?
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Aye, he's here.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Lovely.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Sophie, y'all right? Come on, let's get this party started.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Can I use your loo, please?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Aye, sure.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Just in there.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Oh, hi, Christine.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- LOUDLY AND SLOWLY:- Hullo, Willie.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Good to see you again.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Who's this?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38It's Christine from next door, Dad.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Uh-huh. I met you a number of years ago, Willie.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45You might not remember, you were eating a fish supper.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50I was in getting a battered sausage for my daughter, So...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Where is she? - Oh, she's in the loo.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Oh. For my daughter, Sophie,
0:04:55 > 0:04:59who's here with me today also but who is in the loo at the minute.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01TOILET FLUSHES
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Oh, that's her finished.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I must say, it is indeed an honour
0:05:06 > 0:05:11to have been invited along here today to your birthday, Willie.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13They must think an awful lot of you,
0:05:13 > 0:05:17because Cathy's hardly ever out her bed by this time,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19never mind inviting folk in for a drink.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Oh, oh, here she is now.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26This is my daughter, Sophie, Willie.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Hiya. Happy birthday.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Where's your sausage?
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Sorry?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Did she not say she was away getting sausage?
0:05:34 > 0:05:38No, no, no, no. She was in the loo.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43I was in getting her a sausage when I met you with your fish supper.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Sophie, what flush did you use?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47What?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50We've got two flushes, Eric, a big one and a wee one.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51The small one is just for liquids.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53For urine, Eric.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54And the big one, obviously, for...
0:05:54 > 0:05:56For solids.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Let's put my music back on.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I brought you a wee present, Willie.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Oh, look at that, Dad.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- Does he like whisky?- Oh, aye.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08That's very generous of you, Christine.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Oh, look at that, Cath, look what Christine brought him.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14It's malt whisky, Cathy, from Pitlochry.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Oh, Willie. Wow!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Where did you say you got it?
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Pitlochry.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Pitlochry, Willie.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23What were you doing in Pitlochry?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Oh, I was away on a bus tour with Pat over the back.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29It was small towns of Perthshire
0:06:29 > 0:06:31and a waterfall I wisnae interested in.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Malt whisky, my ass.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Whit?!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36That's not malt whisky.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38That's that cheap shite they sell to tourists.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Dad's quite fussy about his whisky.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Well, still, it was a lovely thought, Christine. Wasn't it, Eric?
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Aye, Oh, aye.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Sophie, would you like a drink of something?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50No, I'm fine, thanks.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Here, Eric, do you fancy a dram?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Dad, you don't mind if I open this, do you?
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Eric?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Well...
0:06:58 > 0:07:00No' good enough for you, either?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02No, I'll... I'll take one.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03A wee splash o' water?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- Yeah, smashing.- Beth?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Sure, why not, ice with mine if you've got it, Colin.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Sophie?
0:07:10 > 0:07:14She's pregnant, Colin, she'll just have a Breezer.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Christine, would you like anything?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Aye, ma fucking money back.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I should never have bothered my arse.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Pat said to me in the shop,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28"Why don't you just get him the squeezy haggis
0:07:28 > 0:07:32"wi' the fridge magnet wi' the piper on the front," and I said,
0:07:32 > 0:07:36"No. No way am I turning up to Cathy Whyte's hoose
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"wi' a load o' cheap shite."
0:07:38 > 0:07:39I know, Christine.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Miserable old bastard.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I mean, you spend £5.99 on a bottle of malt whisky
0:07:46 > 0:07:49and that's the thanks you get?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I don't think he's having a great time up at that place
0:07:52 > 0:07:53he's staying at.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58Aye, what's the matter? The arse wiping no' up to scratch, naw?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Ho, ho, ho, here we go. Right.
0:08:04 > 0:08:10Here, does anyone know what whisky means in Gaelic?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12The word "whisky"?
0:08:12 > 0:08:13I know, I know, I know.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14I don't know.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Sophie?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16I don't know.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Guess.- I don't know. - Just guess!
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Alcohol?
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Alcohol.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24She thinks it means alcohol, Colin.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27No. It means...Eric?
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Water of life.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Water...of...life, Sophie.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Water of life!
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Water of life? That's three words, whisky's only one.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40How the fuck were we meant to know that?
0:08:40 > 0:08:44OK, so, everyone ready? I've got a wee toast.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Here's to my Dad - we don't see him often enough
0:08:47 > 0:08:50and it's, well, it's great to have you here, it really is,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53so here's wishing you a happy birthday.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55ALL: Happy birthday, Willie.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Pish water!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Aye, well, cheers, everybody.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Cheers.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Slainte.- What's slainte?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06That's Gaelic as well.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08It means, "Let's get pissed!"
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Christ, what is it wi' them turning everything into one word?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Are they short of paper up there?
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Anyone for another wee drop?
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Oh, yeah!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Eric?- Well, I suppose.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Isn't this fun?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Isn't this fun, Willie?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Sophie, do you want a wee drink or something?
0:09:31 > 0:09:32No, I'm all right.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Are you sure?
0:09:34 > 0:09:35A wee can of Irn Bru?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36No thanks.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Don't! She might have a wee ginger baby.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Ha-ha ha-ha!
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Heh heh heh.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44PHONE RINGS Oh, it's Ian.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Hello, love.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Oh, right.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Cathy. Ian and Jaz are at ours, they've just dropped by.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- We should probably... - No, no, tell them to come in.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Ian, come to ours, we're having a party!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Y'all right, Dad?
0:09:59 > 0:10:00- Is that time to go?- No, no.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02It's not time to go yet, Willie.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04No, you can stay as long as you like.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Well, till about seven.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Oh, hiya.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Look at you two, like two wee gay Jehovah's Witnesses.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19In you come.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Look who I found!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Ho, ho, you boys ready to join the party?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Hi, son.- Hi, boys. - Hiya. All right, Soph?
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Hiya.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35There's Jaz - that's my wee pal, there.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Hi, Christine, how are you?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Jaz, have you been introduced to Willie?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- Hello, Willie.- Awright, Willie.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Who's this?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45That's Eric's son. And this is his...
0:10:45 > 0:10:48pal, Jaz.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50So what brings you two over this neck of the woods then, eh?
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Oh, we were just in at the estate agent's and we thought we'd drop by.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55We put an offer in on a flat.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Oh, my goodness, have you?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Don't say anything yet,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01we're just waiting to hear if it's been accepted.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Don't want to tempt fate, we're not telling anyone about it.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- What is it?- We've just put an offer in on a flat.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Aw, smashing.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Nothing's confirmed, we're still waiting to hear,
0:11:11 > 0:11:12so just keep it to yourself now, eh?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Course I will.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Hey, Cath, they just bought a hoose.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Woohoo! Oh, that is great news.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22You're getting out of that nasty little flat.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Have you ever been to Pitlochry, Willie?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31No.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33So when will you find out?
0:11:33 > 0:11:34They're speaking to the owners now
0:11:34 > 0:11:36and then they're going to phone us back.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Are you going to have a house-warming, Jaz?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Oh, Cathy, let's just wait till they find out if they've got it, eh?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Remember that one we had up at our last place, Col?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46That was a riot.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49One of the neighbour's boys slid down the banisters
0:11:49 > 0:11:51and cut himself all the way up the inside of his leg,
0:11:51 > 0:11:53right up into his actual bum area.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Sorry we didn't bring a present or anything.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Aye, we didn't realise it was your dad's birthday, Colin, sorry.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Don't worry about it - Beth only brought fudge.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Aw, I love fudge.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Do you, Jaz? Col, get the fudge - Jaz wants some.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Are you a fudge fan, Willie?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Naw.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18Aw, come on, a wee bit of fudge wi' a cup of tea, lovely.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Jaz, help me rip it.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23That's it.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Oh, poo.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27There you are.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Christine?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Thanks very much.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Dad, do you want a bit?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Go on, Willie.- Go on, Dad.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Go on, Willie!
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Oh, Beth,
0:12:38 > 0:12:42that is fucking tremendous.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46It's like biting into a big thick cushion, so it is.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Oh, here, Sophie, wait till you get your teeth into that.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51There she goes.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Yum-yum for baby.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Boy, oh boy, Beth, that is as creamy as anything.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Have you tried a bit, Cath?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- Eh, no.- My back teeth are going all gooey with it.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Aye, well, don't fill yourselves up with fudge -
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Cathy's getting some food on the go, aren't you, Cath?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- Yeah.- Marks and Spencer's, Sophie.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12- Oh.- Is it platefuls you're doing, Cathy, or just a buffet?
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Just a buffet, in't that right Cath?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Yeah.- And when are we having it?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Once I've done the fudge!
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Colin.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Honestly.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23I want food now.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27All I've had's a biscuit.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Aw, are you no' feeding this man, Cathy?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Maybe we should just get something to eat now, Cath?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Aye, I'm actually a wee bit peckish myself.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38All right, all right, I'm going, I'm going.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45Nothing salady for me, Cathy, takes up too much room on the plate.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50And remember, for Sophie, no quiche, no prawns, no salmon,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52no soft cheese, no chicken on the skewers.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55You can eat chicken when you're pregnant can you no?
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Oh, aye. She just keeps jabbing the roof of her mouth wi' the sticks.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Do you want a hand, Cathy?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04No, no, no, you're all right. You stay there, I've got this.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11# A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat
0:14:11 > 0:14:16# De dee de diddly dee dee de dee de dee de dee
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- # De diddly de de mm hmm mmm...- #
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- CATHY:- Beth!
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Beth!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Any chance of a hand?
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Sure.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39OK, what have you done so far?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I've opened a big packet of crisps.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44OK. Right.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48What we'll do is we'll get the nibbly stuff on to these.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52It'll be fine, everyone's beginning to relax and enjoy themselves.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53You don't have to worry.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54If you could just...
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Oh.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Willie.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Willie.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Willie!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12What?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Do you remember that newsagents that used to be in the corner
0:15:15 > 0:15:17where the big Tesco's is built?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Naw.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Well, apparently the guy that used to have that
0:15:22 > 0:15:25has recently been accused of filming up a woman's skirt
0:15:25 > 0:15:27on a train to Edinburgh.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29As I says to Sophie,
0:15:29 > 0:15:33it's just as well that I normally wear my joggers when I'm travelling.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38You all right there, Willie? You getting a nice chat with Christine?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Chat, chat, chat!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Would either of you boys care for a wee whisky?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45No, I'm fine. I can't drink spirits.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Och, on ye go, just try a wee one.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48MOBILE RINGS
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Cheers.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53'Sake.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54JAZ RETCHES
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Hello.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Speaking.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Oh.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02Right, OK.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Uh-huh.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10OK, I'll talk to Jaz and see what he thinks.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I'll phone you back.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Bye.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Sorry.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Too low.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22They knocked it back.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Aw, no.- Oh, dear.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Oh, that's a right old kick in the nuts, that.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27What's going on?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29They just had their offer on the place knocked back.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I says to them - bit of a kick in the nuts.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Oh, bang!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Right in the ballsack.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38They missed out on that house they wanted.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40They tried to pull a fast one, going in low.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Now it's backfired, folk selling it have told them where to stick it.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Bang!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Oh, do you hear that, Sophie?
0:16:47 > 0:16:48It's a shame.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Oh, there's Sophie all upset as well.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54The prices they're asking these days are ridiculous.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Well, this is the property bubble for you, Eric, in't it?
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Aye.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00But we all know what happens to bubbles.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Uh-huh.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03They float away.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Right, here we are.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Have you ever been kicked in the nuts, Willie?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Aye, awright, Cath.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I'm just trying to make him feel included.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Beth, nightmare. He just heard from the estate agent.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19- They didnae get it. The offer was rejected.- Oh.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Bash, boof, ah!
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Right in the balls!
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Why did they reject it?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28It's the bubble, Beth.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- What?- Beth, come on, hand the food round.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Sorry, Willie.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Can yous offer any higher?
0:17:35 > 0:17:39See, they offered low, trying to get it on the cheap
0:17:39 > 0:17:42and now the guy's got them over a barrel. It's an absolute mess.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Can we offer any higher?
0:17:44 > 0:17:45I don't know.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47What do you think?
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Beth, could I get a napkin?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56How much more do you reckon you'd have to offer?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Mmm, I dunno.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Two grand? - Oh, here we go again.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Three? Four?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I mean, five seems a lot.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Does it? I mean, you've already pissed them off once.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10We can't afford another £5,000, can we?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12£5,000, Willie.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I bet that's more than you've earned in your entire life.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Christ, how old does she think I am?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I don't know what to do.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Offer 5,000 more.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25What?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Offer five grand on top of what you offered already.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29- We'll...- We'll give you the money.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35You all right, Dad, you enjoying yourself?
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Naw.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Anybody care for a wee top up?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Oh, come on, that's Willie's whisky. We cannae drink the lot.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Do you no' want another one?
0:18:47 > 0:18:48I never said that.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I'll need to get some more ginger ale. Cath...
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Beth, mixer.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Here, I'll take one.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Allow me, squire.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01When I was on that bus tour to Pitlochry
0:19:01 > 0:19:05there was an option of an overnight for you, a dinner and dance.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Or is it a dinner and a ceilidh?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Oh, I love ceilidhs.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Why did you not go?
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Oh, well, I like my own bed and Pat couldnae be arsed.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Do you remember that ceilidh we went up to at the time-share, Col?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Remember where that woman smashed her pelvis?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Aye. Aw, they're great fun.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I'll tell you who used to go to a lot of ceilidhs.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Who?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- What?- You were a man for the ceilidhs, were you no'?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Och, aye, but that was a long time ago.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Oh, you liked to dance, Willie?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41It wisnae the dancing. He was playing in the band - accordion.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Aye? Play the accordion, do you, Willie?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Aye, a wee bit.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47A bit? He was practically professional.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I had an uncle used to play the bagpipes.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Did you, Eric?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Did you hear that, Sophie?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Eric had an uncle that used to play the bagpipes.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Oh, Sophie used to play the clarinet, as well.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00She was quite good too, eh?
0:20:00 > 0:20:01What was it again, you...?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Oh, aye, Pop Goes The Weasel.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08# Dee de dee de diddly dee dee dee de dee dee... #
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Christine...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11# De de de diddly de de de de de de... #
0:20:11 > 0:20:12- Christine! - # De diddly de de de de... #
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Naw, Christine...
0:20:13 > 0:20:15# De diddly de de de de de de de de...#
0:20:15 > 0:20:17You're away on A Finger Of Fudge, Christine.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Aw, shite, so I am.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Here, Dad, you know what I've got up the stairs?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- Naw.- Your accordion. Hmm?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Will I away and get it and you can give us a wee tune?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28ALL: Yeah!
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Oh, no, no, no.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Go on, Willie, it's your birthday.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- Do something.- Two ticks.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38# De dee de diddly dee dee dee de dee de dee
0:20:38 > 0:20:40# De diddly de de de de
0:20:40 > 0:20:42# Pop goes the weasel. #
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Och.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48See, I'm the same wi' Itsy Bitsy Polka Dot Bikini, Beth.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I just start humming it and before I know it,
0:20:51 > 0:20:55I'm straight into the theme song fae Benny Hill.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56So ah am, amn't I, Sophie?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Yep.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I blame Jive Bunny, Willie.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Oh, those megamixes they brought out just scrambled me.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Ho, ho, ho. Here she is!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09ALL: Whoa!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Right, let's see what we've got here, eh?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13You going to give us a tune, are you, Willie?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Oh, Col, give me a shot, gie us a shot.- OK.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Whoo!- Got it?
0:21:18 > 0:21:19That's you, haud on.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Oh!
0:21:23 > 0:21:24# Here comes the Highland granny,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27# Great big tits and a hairy fanny. #
0:21:30 > 0:21:32It's not working, it's broken Colin.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Aye. Quite a lot of money these things cost, you know.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39We had this valued last year, you know, for insurance purposes.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41But, there you go, Dad.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Aye, this'll bring back a few happy memories, eh?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Aye, your grandad got me this.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Jeezo, that must have cost him a few weeks' wages, eh?
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Not many.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54He nicked it from a wee blind boy outside the bus station.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Look at that, Sophie, I bet you wish you'd kept going
0:21:58 > 0:21:59with your clarinet, eh?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01You could be up here playing with Willie.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03There you go, Dad, that's you.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05ACCORDION PLAYS
0:22:08 > 0:22:10CHEERING
0:22:10 > 0:22:12What about that, eh?
0:22:12 > 0:22:13That was terrific.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Right, that's enough.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Oh, come on, Willie, give us another one.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Jaz, Jaz, get up, get up, get up.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Dance!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Willie, give us another one so Jaz can dance to it.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23He doesn't want to, Cathy.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25He's gay, of course he wants to!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Remember Scottish country dancing at school?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- Did you ever do that, Eric? - Oh, aye.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Drops Of Brandy, Gay Gordons, Strip The Willow.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- Strip The Willow! - That's it. Play us a reel, Dad.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36- Naw.- Right.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40We have gone to a lot of trouble today, Willie,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42all for your birthday.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45The least you could do is give us a wee tune on your...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47That thing there, mmm.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Play, Willie!
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Right, one more.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54CHEERING
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Beth, move that table.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Beth, come on. Hurry up!
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Don't drag it.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Come on. Eric, up you get and take a partner.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Up, up, up! - Sophie, come on, wee dance.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- No.- Shift, Willie.- Come on, Soph'.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Move that back. Move him, move him over there.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Sophie!
0:23:15 > 0:23:19That's you. Right, get yourself sorted.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Right.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Oh, Jaz, Jaz.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25You should be wearing a kilt with no pants.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26I don't know what I'm doing!
0:23:26 > 0:23:27It's country dancing, Jaz.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30It's easy, you just, you run up and down and scream!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Right, we'll do...
0:23:32 > 0:23:35We'll do Strip The Willow, Dad, eh?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Yeah, ceilidh! Yahoo!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Right, Jaz, what you do is,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42you go into the middle to meet your partner and spin round.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43That's it.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Oh, stop it, Jaz. Jaz, please.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47And just go right doon the line with her.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50That's you, till you get to the end. That's it.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51That's it, Cathy.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53And do a wee spin at the bottom.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55And, well, you know, basically that's it.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58We've got it, we've got it. Come on, let's do it.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Right, you ready, Dad?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01ACCORDION PLAYS
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Now careful, Ian,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24she's spewing up at the drop of a hat the now.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I'm fine, I'm fine.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Oh, let Jaz and Ian spin together.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34They're gay, equal rights!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Jaz! Jaz! Jaz! Jaz! Jaz!
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Jaz, stop.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Jaz, Jaz!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Are you all right, Christine?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Silly wee bastard.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12I'm so sorry, Christine.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13It was an accident.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Mum, take Eric's hand.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Here, Christine give us your hand.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Aye, all right, give us a minute.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Sorry, Willie, apologies, my friend.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24It's no' your fault.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Though...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27why we couldnae have left that fucking thing
0:25:27 > 0:25:29in the cupboard, I don't know.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- Aw, shit!- What is it?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Missed call from the estate agent.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Willie, go again.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Hang on, Cathy, and wait until Ian's made his phone call.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Oh, pardon me at my own party.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Oh, landed right on my tail bone there.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Wait till you see the big giant bruise at the top of my arse
0:25:47 > 0:25:49in the morning, Jaz.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Really? No, no that's amazing.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Brilliant. Bye.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56- We got it!- Yes.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58We got the house, they accepted the offer.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Aw, well done.- Fantastic!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Celebration. Come on, Willie, give us another one.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Naw.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- Come on!- Naw, I'm needing the loo.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Right hold on, Dad, I'll get that for you.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Now, do you know where it is?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13And it's... It's the wee button for a pee.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Aye,
0:26:15 > 0:26:16we'll see how much comes oot.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27I think he's enjoyed it.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32Aye, he has, aye, compared to what he was like when he came in.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Well, maybe the nurses are right, you know?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36He's just needing some time with the family.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Oh, bless.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I feel bad about him going back up there tonight.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Why do you not just see if he's wanting to stay over?
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Aye, every birthday's precious when you get to that age, in't it Sophie?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Aye, why not?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Cath, what do you reckon?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Beth will give you a hand with his breakfast.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54TOILET FLUSHES
0:26:56 > 0:26:57OK then.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Brilliant.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Dad, we were just saying, me and Cath,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08we know things aren't ideal up at the home,
0:27:08 > 0:27:13but we've had a good day and we've all enjoyed ourselves
0:27:13 > 0:27:17so, how would you just like to... to stay the night?
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Where, here?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- Aye.- Stay the whole night?
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Cath'll cook us a bit of dinner
0:27:21 > 0:27:24and we'll make up a bed for you down here.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25What do you say?
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Naw.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# Oh Willie, oh Willie
0:27:35 > 0:27:39# Every kiss I get from Willie is a dilly
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# Willie, oh Willie
0:27:42 > 0:27:47# I'm so much in love with Willie that it's silly
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# Willie, he's such a honey
0:27:50 > 0:27:54# When he looks at me I go all kind of funny
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# Willie, oh Willie
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# I just go for darling Willie willy nilly. #