0:00:02 > 0:00:03Eric! Scrambled eggs ready!
0:00:05 > 0:00:06Oh, sorry.
0:00:06 > 0:00:07It's all right.
0:00:07 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Thank you.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14DJ CHATS ON RADIO
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Good morning, Mr Baird.
0:00:20 > 0:00:21Hi, son.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Are you having a shave?
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- Aye.- I've got some post-shave moisturiser, if you'd like it.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27No, you're all right.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28It's good for cuts.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30I don't get cuts.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Have you ever tried growing a beard?
0:00:33 > 0:00:34No.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I did, but I kept on getting stopped at the airport.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38What about a moustache?
0:00:38 > 0:00:39No!
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I tried one but Ian said it was too tickly.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Mr Baird?
0:00:44 > 0:00:45What?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46You've cut yourself.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06So, what are you up to today?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Not much. What about you?
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Well, once your dad's away, I'm going to go and get my hair done.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Aw, nice. Are you getting it dyed?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17I mean, cut?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Well, I'm just looking forward to getting a bit of time to myself.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23DOORBELL RINGS
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Oh, Beth, you're up and dressed. Good, I'll come in.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37MUSIC: Love Sex Magic by Ciara ft Justin Timberlake
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Ooooh, there he is.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Give us a twirl.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Wait till I get my hat on.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Hey, hey!
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Oh, look at you!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Like a wee Krankie.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Right, that's me.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Latvia, here I come!
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Are you no' taking a bag?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Naw! Everything I need I've got in here.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Passport, my wallet, tickets for the match, my lip balm.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02What about clean pants and stuff?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Oh.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Fair enough.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10So then I pressed confirm.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14You know how you get that wee box down at the bottom
0:02:14 > 0:02:17on the right-hand side that says confirm?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Uh-huh.- Well, I pressed that.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24And then the wee dots started going round and round in a circle.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27And then I says to her - what was it I said, Sophie?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28"What do they wee dots mean?"
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Uh-huh.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32And she says - what was it you said again?
0:02:32 > 0:02:33"Buffering."
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Buffering, Beth.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39It buffered and buffered and buffered and then...
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- went blank.- It froze halfway through the order,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44so we don't know if it's gone through or not.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- What were you buying? - Don't ask.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47A buggy.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Oh, right.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50The Barneyboo, Beth.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52In navy, in't it, Sophie?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Barneyboo, Ian.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I said that I would buy her that and her breast pumps,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00and Pat over the back is going to buy her the brolly to match
0:03:00 > 0:03:02and an Elsa potty.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Oh, hiya, Christine.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Oh, you're here, as well?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06You've got a houseful the day, Beth!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Uh-huh. Well, Ian and Jaz are staying here until
0:03:09 > 0:03:11they get the keys to their new place.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13And is that all your boxes there?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Uh-huh.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Let me know if you've got any bubble wrap going a-begging,
0:03:16 > 0:03:19because Sophie loves popping that wi' her teeth.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20For fuck's sake.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Actually, Jaz, you might be able to help.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Are you any good wi' computers?
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Sorry, I'm not.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27What it is is...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29She was in the middle of buying something online
0:03:29 > 0:03:30and her computer froze.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Sophie, can I get you anything?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36A cup o' tea for me, please, Beth.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41So, Jaz, what was it you said that you thought it was again?
0:03:41 > 0:03:42I really don't know.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I mean, it might be something to do with your router.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46- My what-er?- Your router.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Either that or a virus.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49A virus.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51What do you think? Could be, couldn't it?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Is that what you think, Jaz? A virus?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57And where might that have come from?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59From spam?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01A spam virus?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Oh, my God!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I thought maybe just the Wi-Fi signal was weak.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Well, it would be weak if it'd had a virus.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10That's not how it works, Christine.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Look, could you shush for a wee minute, Ian?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Jaz is the expert here.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15I'm really not.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Jaz, do you think that I might've been hacked?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Ugh!- Look, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, Christine.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Oh, that's easy for you to say.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26You're not the one that'll be sitting here without a buggy,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29while some thieving bastard is cutting about Nigeria,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32away out for his tea wi' money aff my debit card.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Did we not get some kind of booklet thing that came with our broadband?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Aw, yeah, yeah. I think it's in one of those boxes.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Thank God Jaz is here, eh, Sophie?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- CATHY:- Yoo-hoo!
0:04:46 > 0:04:47It's only us!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Oh, here he is!
0:04:49 > 0:04:50- All set?- Hiya, Cathy.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Morning, squire.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Look at you in your dressing gown, Eric.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Lovely big towelling robe keeping you all nice and warm.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Hi, Cathy.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- Hiya, missus.- Oh, Eric, are you not even dressed yet?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04And I've got scrambled eggs sitting there for you.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Have you, Beth? Lovely.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07I'm nearly ready. I was just packing my bag.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09What are you taking a bag for?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Just put all your essentials into your sporran, that's what I've done.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- That's all Colin's done.- Aye, it weighs it down at the front as well,
0:05:15 > 0:05:16so it doesnae flap up, you know?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Flap up and show your cock.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Ah! Thank you, Cathy.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- What?- Well, I don't think we need to spell it out.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Well, we all know he's got one.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26You said it was thicker than a....
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Cathy!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Colin's going commando, aren't you?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I am. Well, you know, if you're on the pints it just saves time
0:05:35 > 0:05:36after a while, Beth.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37I'm not wearing a kilt.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38- BOTH:- What?!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41He's not wearing a kilt. He doesn't even have one.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44You can't go on a trip with the old Tartan Army no' wearing a kilt.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Well?- Colin, what about your old one?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48That'll no fit Eric. Look at the size of him.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Oh, go and get it. It'll be fine.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52I've wiped all that stuff off it.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Beth!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Oh, is that Christine?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Beth!
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Coming, Christine!
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Yes, Christine?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Jaz thinks it's my router.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I'll go and see if I can figure out what's the matter with it.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Give us your computer.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Technology, eh, Jaz?
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Here, I've got a flashing Christmas headband that is on the blink as well.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18You might have a wee look at that, if you don't mind.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Oh, he's a little wizard, this one, aren't you?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Right, I'll not be long.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27So, what are you getting up to while Eric's away?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I'm having my hair done this afternoon.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- What?- I'm having my hair done.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33- You're going out?- Yes.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- Today?- Yes.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Oh.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38What about you?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Oh, busy, Beth.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I've, er, tons of stuff to be getting on with.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44What time'll you be back?
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Beth.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52So, how are you doing, missus?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I'm OK. I'm getting a bit tired now.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I was gonna say, you look done in.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Oh, it's so exciting though, isn't it?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Just think, in a few months' time you'll be a mum!
0:07:03 > 0:07:07A single mum, knackered, but making the most of it.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Aye, never mind her! I'm knackered.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I've been up since seven o'clock this morning trying to get
0:07:12 > 0:07:13my hands on a Barneyboo.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- A what?- A Barneyboo, Cathy.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17It's a buggy, Mrs Whyte.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20THE Barneyboo. Oh, you should see!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22What's it like, Sophie?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- It's all right. - Eh?! It's absolutely beautiful.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28I said that I would get her that and her breast pumps,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31and Pat over the back's going to get her the matching brolly
0:07:31 > 0:07:33and an Elsa potty.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36So, are you breast-feeding, are you, Sophie?
0:07:36 > 0:07:37I'm gonnae try.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Aw, that's amazing.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Jaz, isn't that smashing?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Little baby sucking all the milk out of Sophie's breasts.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46It helps you to bond with the baby.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Oh, yeah. Why pay for milk when you've basically got two big
0:07:48 > 0:07:50bottles attached to you already?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53You all right, troops? Howdy doody.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Christine's computer's packed in.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Aw, no.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- I know.- Oh, that's terrible.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- It is.- And is there nothing you can do with it at all, Jaz?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03She was in the middle of ordering a Bunnybugger, Colin.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Barneyboo.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Oh.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07It's a buggy.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Hey, what's aw this?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11It's for the football.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14They're going to Latvia to see Scotland play, Christine.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Latvia?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- There's a guy that goes to my gym who's from Latvia.- Is there, Jaz?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Yeah.- It's a beautiful country, apparently.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It's Riga we're going to, Jaz.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25And you say it like this - Riga.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Yeah, that's where he's from.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29He says it's a really popular destination for men looking
0:08:29 > 0:08:31for cheap alcohol and prostitutes.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Oh.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Can you imagine being a prostitute, Beth?
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- Sorry?- In and out strangers' cars all night.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I just couldn't do it.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I get travel sick if I can't see out.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Oh, Jaz, can you clear up that mess, please?
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Oh, sorry.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51There is so much shit everywhere.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I don't know how you cope with it.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Colin, are you wanting anything?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Have you still got some of that scrambled egg on the go?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Oh, Christine, what a shame about your Buggeryboo.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Barneyboo.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05COLIN: Why don't you just order another one?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- Eh?- If your order didnae go through, just order another one.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Oh, right enough.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Where's my computer?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Ian's away with it.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Beth, iPad!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15No, honestly, just leave it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18You're all right, Sophie. We'll get aw this sorted out for you.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Yeah, you single mums need all the help you can get.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Beth!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- What?! - Where is your iPad?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28We're gonnae order another Barneyboo.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Oh, for God's sake.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Pig sty.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Ah!
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Right...
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Oh, no.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37What is it?
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Battery low.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Technology, eh, Jaz?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Jaz, do you mind nipping upstairs, see if you can find
0:09:44 > 0:09:45the charger for that, please?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49When it works, it's great. When it doesn't, you're totally fucked.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Oh.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Sorry.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I was just looking for the iPad charger.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Over there.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13You know, I've got clippers if you want to...
0:10:13 > 0:10:14No.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Just a wee bit of privacy in my own home would be fine, thanks.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Have you ever been to Latvia, Sophie?
0:10:28 > 0:10:29No, no, I've not.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31That's the great thing about the Tartan Army, you know.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33It gives you a chance to see the world.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37I mean, I've been in hospitals and police stations all over Europe.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Barneywhat, Christine?
0:10:38 > 0:10:39- BOTH:- Boo!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I like the way she does that.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Look at that, Sophie.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I'd love an iPad.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51But there's always the worry of sitting on it.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59I'll leave that to you, Jaz. You're the, er, whizz kid.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Cathy, come over and sit next to me so I can watch it.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04No, no.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06All right, I'll come and sit next to you then.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Sophie, can I get you anything at all?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I'm fine, Mrs Baird, honestly.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Do you want a banana or something?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17No, I'm OK.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Bananas are supposed to be good if you're pregnant, are they not?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- I don't really like them.- I'll have a banana, Beth, if there's one on the go.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24You've not even finished your roll yet!
0:11:24 > 0:11:2748 hours solid drinking ahead of us.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Cannae do that on an empty stomach.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32You're not drinking for 48 hours, surely!
0:11:32 > 0:11:36No. Well, the game's 90 minutes and, well, there's no bottles allowed in, so, naw.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Beth? Beth?
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Yes, Christine?
0:11:39 > 0:11:40I'll take a wee banana.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Oh, dear God.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Right. Anybody else want a banana?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46No, thank you.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Jaz?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50No, thank you.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Oh, Beth?
0:11:52 > 0:11:53I'll take half of one.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Er...
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Please, may I have an apple?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Right. Christine, quantity?
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Er, one.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Oh, uno.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Card details?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Ah, Christ! I've left my bag in the house.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Oh, Christine!
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Sophie, nip back next door and bring me my bag, will you?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19No, you don't need to bother.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22All right, I'll give you the money back, Cathy.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24It's not my card, it's Beth's.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Oh.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33- CATHY:- Expiry?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- CHRISTINE:- 04-19.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Aye, there's a few trips to Morrison's left in you, my friend.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Well, what d'you think?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Yeah...looks good.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51What?
0:12:55 > 0:12:56What is it? What's she laughing at?
0:12:58 > 0:12:59All right, that's enough. I'm taking it off.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01No, no, you big baby!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I'll just put my jeans back on.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Honestly, Eric, it's fine. Looks good.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09It looks fine, Mr Baird. It really suits you.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Are you wearing anything underneath?
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Well, yeah.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- Are you?- Of course!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I'm not going to Latvia and back wi' a bare arse.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I saw his bum earlier when I was upstairs.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19It was really hairy.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Colin is a true Scotsman.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Have you got nothing on under that?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- No.- Aw, for God's sake!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30There's food being served here!
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Maybe change the shoes, Eric.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- To what?- Well, boots or something would look good.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36That's what guys normally wear wi' a kilt.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- I've no' got boots.- I have!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Well, sort of high tops.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- What size are you? - Nine.- Oh, snap.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Go and try them on.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Big size nine feet on the end o' they wee dumpy legs.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51He looks like somebody's put him together at a jumble sale.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56TV IN BACKGROUND
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Thanks, Beth.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05You all right, Sophie?
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Just a bit knackered.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Huh, you and me both, pet.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10This is supposed to be me getting a day to myself.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Do you want to go upstairs for a wee lie-down?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Do you mind?
0:14:14 > 0:14:15On you go.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Where's she going?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25She's going up for a sleep.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Beth. Beth!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30God bless, Beth. There we are.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Jaz, Jaz!
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Let's get a look at the history, see what Beth's been looking at.
0:14:40 > 0:14:45Right, so lasagne recipes, second-hand Fiat dealers, Santander.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Here, I'll put something in for her. You'll know it.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Latino monster cocks.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Oof!
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Eh, sorry, Mr Baird.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13DOOR SHUTS
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Aw, here he is. You took your time.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Aye, sorry.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18How did you get on?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I switched everything off and left it for a good five minutes
0:15:21 > 0:15:23and then switched it back on and it's fine!
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- As simple as that?- Aye.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29In fact, it looks as if that thing you were buying has went through.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30You're joking?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Naw. Hang on, I'll just connect to the Wi-Fi here.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Jaz, password!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I don't know.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Oh, it must be a hard one if Jaz doesn't know it, eh, Beth?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40It's all right, I've got it.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42There you go - look!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Hang on, hang on! What's going on? Has she got one?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46She's got two.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Two?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Well, if you ordered one when you came in here
0:15:50 > 0:15:53and the original one went through, then you've got two.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Aw, no. Aw, no, no.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Jaz, how could you let this happen?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01It's fine. We'll just, we'll just cancel one of them.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Beth, phone up and cancel yours.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Mine?- Well, it's on your card, so...
0:16:05 > 0:16:06It's on my card?!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08We used your debit card to buy it.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Oh, for God's sake!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Well, Christine'll give you the money. It's all right.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Can I wait till the end of September, Beth?
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Right, who am I phoning?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Aw, hey, here he is.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Aw, hey, they look the business, Eric.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Do you think? - Oh, trainers are ideal.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Comfier, aren't they?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Aye, they dry oot quicker than boots if you get hit by
0:16:27 > 0:16:29the old water cannon.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I hope they don't keep your mum on hold for too long.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37I was on the phone for 45 minutes last week to
0:16:37 > 0:16:40a wee boy in Calcutta about a fault in my oven.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41By the time we'd finished,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I was for sticking my head in the bloody thing.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46What, er, what time are we meant to be there?
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Should we not be getting a jilldee on?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Hand baggage only, Eric. We'll be through in no time.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Are you excited, Eric?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Aye, I am quite looking forward to it.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Not still wearing the pants, are you?
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Aye, I am.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Aw, he's letting his country down, isn't he, Colin?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59He can do what he wants.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02No! He should take them off!
0:17:02 > 0:17:03We all want you to, don't we, Jaz?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- No!- Oh, don't be such a spoilsport, Eric.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Colin's is tiny when it's soft and he's still going for it.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13- No!- Booo!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15BETH: Right, that's it cancelled.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Well done, Beth.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Credit where credit's due.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21You are amazing when it comes to cancelling stuff.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Christine, I'm saying that's it cancelled.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Beth, what d'you reckon?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Really?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Sure he shouldn't wear pants, Beth? Tell him to go bare.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Christine, what are you doing? I've phoned and cancelled it!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Take a look at this!
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Cherry tomatoes, 79 pence.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48Cherry tomatoes, 79 pence, add to basket.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Oh, satsumas in the net, 1.59.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Christine, what are you doing?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Oh, I'm just doing a wee online shop, Beth.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Ian's got me wired up to your Wi-Fi here.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's like lightning.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03What else? Oh, carrots.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05A 5kg bag.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Who's gonna buy that? Bugs fucking Bunny?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Toilet rolls. Where's Sophie?
0:18:10 > 0:18:11She's still upstairs.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- Is she sleeping? - I think so.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Ian, away and wake her up and ask her if she wants Cushelle or Andrex.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Right. Well, I hate to be a pain but is there any chance you could
0:18:23 > 0:18:25finish that off next door?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26What?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Well, I've got a hair appointment this afternoon and, Eric,
0:18:28 > 0:18:32you two will need to be getting to the airport, will you not?
0:18:32 > 0:18:33What am I going to do?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Aye, we should be thinking of making tracks, actually.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37As I say, I hate to be a pain...
0:18:37 > 0:18:38What about Sophie?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Well, the boys'll be here.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Beth, can I come with you to the hairdresser's?
0:18:43 > 0:18:44I'm gonna get dreadlocks.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46PHONE RINGS
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Oh, wait a minute.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Who is this?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Hello?
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Speaking.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56What?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57It's about the Barneyboo.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Oh, for God's sake.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Sh! Sit down.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Now, don't tell me you don't have it, because we've just checked
0:19:04 > 0:19:07here and it's said it's gone through.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Good.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11What?
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Aw, no.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16They don't have it in the blue, they've only got it in the red!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Oh, God, no.- Red's fine, Christine!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Are you joking?
0:19:20 > 0:19:25Going about with that with the hood up, she'll look like Postman Pat.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Pat!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29The brolly, the brolly!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Hello?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Er, no, this is Mrs Baird.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I'm with Mrs O'Neil.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Er, no, she's on the other line at the moment.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Hello, Pat, it's me.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Pat...- They're asking if she wants a refund.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- Christine...- Sh, sh, sh.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Pat, are you there!
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Answer machine.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Aw, hell's teeth!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Don't tell me that she's already away out buying the brolly.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Look it's complicated. There's a brolly involved.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Erm, Pat's buying the brolly.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05Hello, Pat, can you phone me ASAP?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08I'll not say much till I speak to you,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11but there's been a problem with the Barneyboo.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Oh, and by the way,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Asda have got satsumas in the net for 1.59.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Okey dokey.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Right, give me that.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Right, son, this is Mrs O'Neil now.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Let me get this straight.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29You don't have the buggy in the blue? Right.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31You've only got it in the red?
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Uh-huh.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35And you don't know when you're going to get blue ones back in?
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Fine.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41But, you have refunded the money onto my card?
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Good-oh.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Now, fuck off.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47What are we going to do?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50So, then I said to her, "Well, I'm thinking about using cloth nappies,"
0:20:50 > 0:20:53and she says, "What d'you want to use cloth nappies for?"
0:20:53 > 0:20:56And I said, "Oh, cos they're better for the environment."
0:20:56 > 0:20:58And then she said, "Oh, you'll no' be saying that when your
0:20:58 > 0:21:01"environment's a sink full of shitty nappies."
0:21:02 > 0:21:03It's only nappies, innit?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06It's not just nappies, it's everything.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09It's shawls, cots, dummies.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11One dummy's the same as another, is it not?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Not after she's tested it out, it's not.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Well, at least you're getting the buggy you want.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17I'm not getting the buggy I want.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I only said yes to shut her up.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21It's not exactly worked, has it?
0:21:23 > 0:21:24No, you're right, it hasn't.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32We should be getting a move on, should we not?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Er, just wait a minute, Eric, until we sort this out.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Have you not got the hairdresser's?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37You're going nowhere, missus.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- What? - Pat's already got the brolly!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Eh?- Pat's got the brolly, so we need to get the buggy.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Now, Christine's on the phone to...
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Who are you on the phone to, Christine?- Argos!
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- Argos.- I've still got this Vivaldi blaring in my ears.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51The Four Seasons.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Feels like a fuck of a lot longer than that.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Oh, hello?! Hello, I wonder if yous could help me...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Beth, you do Debenhams. Eric, you do Mothercare. I'll do John Lewis.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04..I'm phoning to enquire if you've got a blue Barneyboo buggy in stock.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Er, Barneyboo.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11"Barney" as in argument,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14"boo" as in gie you a fright.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Do Halfords do buggies, Jaz?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Er... Come on, Jaz, think!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I'll give them a try anyway.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Oh, useless bastards.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25All right, who am I doing now?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27TK Maxx, Christine!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Aw, bloody junkyard!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Oh, hello! Hello, yes...
0:22:31 > 0:22:33All right, I'll give them a try anyway.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Aw, have you no'?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Ooh, yes, hello! I'm looking for a Barneyboo in navy blue.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Aw, that's a shame.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42And do you have it in blue, by any chance?
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Just out of interest, how much are you doing screen wash for?
0:22:46 > 0:22:47No, you don't, you've only got them in red?
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Ssh!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Oh, hello! I'm so sorry to trouble you,
0:22:51 > 0:22:55excuse me, but we have a bit of an emergency here.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58So, my friend's neighbour's daughter is pregnant, but Pat over the
0:22:58 > 0:23:02back has already got the brolly but we are looking for the Buggeryboo
0:23:02 > 0:23:06to go with it, so I'm wondering if you can help us with that at all?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Oh, no, don't put me on hold!
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Aw, there she is.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11I hope you're feeling nice and rested.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14It's going like a Filipino sweatshop in here.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Mum, listen. - Er, Christine.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Mum, will you listen? See this buggy....
0:23:18 > 0:23:19- Christine...- Mum!
0:23:19 > 0:23:20What is it, Sophie?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Christine, they've got one!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I don't want it.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25You what?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Sophie, what's the matter?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I don't want the buggy.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32I've decided, and you can tell Pat to forget the brolly
0:23:32 > 0:23:35or whatever it is that she's got to go with it as well.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Aw, no, no, no, no, no.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Mum! Will you listen?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44It's my pregnancy and it's my baby
0:23:44 > 0:23:47and I just want to be able to choose my own stuff.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Erm, can you hold the line for a minute, please?
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Sophie, listen...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Sophie, we have done everything.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59- We have been sitting in here working for you and your baby...- Cathy.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Cathy!
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Sophie's right.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Maybe I have just got a bit carried away wi' all of this.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I didn't mean it.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Honestly.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20It's just that, wi' this being my first and hopefully my last
0:24:20 > 0:24:24grandchild, I just had my heart set on getting everything right.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28And when I saw that buggy, I just thought, that's it.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34I can just see Sophie wheeling that about the town,
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Pat's wee brolly on the side keeping the sun out.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Mair like the rain, I think.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Ssh!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46But, maybe you're right.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Even as the grandmother,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I should just keep my nose out.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54It's a shame, but, hey-ho...
0:24:56 > 0:24:57..if that's what you want.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03Get the buggy!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Only if you're sure.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Get the buggy, but I swear, from now on, I'm in charge.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Got it?!
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Mm-hm!
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Right, hello.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Yes, we'll take it.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Er, great.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21And that's the Barneyboo...
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- In blue! - ..and it's definitely navy blue?
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Great. OK, and we can pay for it when we collect it?
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Oh, that's great.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31No, no, no - that's all.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Thanks for your help. Bye!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Hey-hey!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Oh, great.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Oh, Jaz!
0:25:39 > 0:25:40PHONE RINGS
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Oh, ho! Oh, there's Pat.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Hello, Pat.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Yes.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48What?
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Oh.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Oh.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Oh, yes,
0:25:55 > 0:25:56I'll let her know.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Thanks. Bye, Pat.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03What was she saying?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It's about the brolly.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12She has been everywhere and she couldn't get it in the navy blue.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14So she's got it in the red.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Where are you travelling to today?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- Riga.- Ah, away for the football, eh?
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Aye.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Any bags to check in?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36No, no - this is us.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I can show you the inside of my sporran if you like.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40No. No, you're all right.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Passports?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45First time over there?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Aye, aye. I hear it's very popular.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Aye, what's not to like? Cheap alcohol and plenty of fa...
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Gate 20.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Boarding in 40 minutes.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Thank you.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Here we go, eh! Excited?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Oh, I'm just excited to get away fae that madhouse.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Christ, I've no' had a moment's peace the whole day.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Just the boys now, eh? Here, Eric.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Oh, no.- On you go.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18It's a wee tradition, that.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Speaking of which, are you no' going to do the true Scotsman thing, no?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Och, sod it! Why not?
0:27:23 > 0:27:24That's the spirit!
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Here, on you go in behind there.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- Eh?- On you go.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Nip in there. Naebody'll see you.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44PASSENGERS CHEER AND LAUGH
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Oh, shit!
0:27:48 > 0:27:49You little...