0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:11GAS HISSES
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Beth, Beth!
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Can you come through a minute?
0:00:16 > 0:00:18What is it, Eric? I'm busy.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21- Can you come through a minute? - What is it?
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Honestly, if this is you with that stupid helium again,
0:00:24 > 0:00:26I swear to God...
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Well, what is it?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32HIGHPITCHED: Nothing.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37'The person you are calling is not available.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40'Please leave a message after the tone.'
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- PHONE BEEPS - Right, Pat, that's 2:30,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Beth's house for Sophie's baby shower thingmy.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Now, Beth's doing food, so don't have any lunch.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51We've just made do wae some toast and banana.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Oh, and listen, Pat, there's no smoking in there,
0:00:55 > 0:00:59so you'd better have a right good go at it before you come across.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Oh, and bring your electric thingy,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03and your chewing gum...
0:01:03 > 0:01:05and your patches.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Right, I'll see you later.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Oh, and, Pat, don't bother wrapping that potty.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14She knows exactly what you've got her, so just save your paper.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Aye, right, see you later.
0:01:16 > 0:01:22All right, okey, dokey, 2:30. Bye.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Why do you not just text her?
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Aw, do you know? I never even thought.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31"2:30.
0:01:31 > 0:01:37"Don't eat, do smoke, bring potty."
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Oh, smiley face.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43# Mm, mm-mm-mm
0:01:43 > 0:01:45# Mm, mm-mm-mm
0:01:45 > 0:01:49# Mm, mm-mm-mm-mm-mm
0:01:49 > 0:01:52# Oh, oh-oh-oh
0:01:52 > 0:01:54# Oh, oh-oh, oh
0:01:54 > 0:01:57# Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. #
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Hi! - Oh, there you are.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Oh, my goodness.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Aw! I whacked it off the corner of a cardboard box, didn't I?
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Oh, dear.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Ian said he thinks it's quite sexy.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Said I look like Amir Khan.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21How are you? All set?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Getting there. In you go.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- All right, Dad? - Aye, aye.- Hello, Mr Baird.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Hi, son. Bloody hell, what happened to you?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- He walked into a box.- And you thumped him just for that, Ian?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Bloody boxes all over the place.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45You'd better watch in case another one comes after you, Jaz.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49"Aaargh, help, there's a box chasing me!"
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- Are you making a cup of tea? - Why not?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Here, watch where I'm going in these fucking shoes.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- What time do you think we'll be back?- I don't know.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04What time is it now?
0:03:04 > 0:03:09Half two, half three, half four...
0:03:09 > 0:03:11No, I'll stick this outside light on
0:03:11 > 0:03:14in case Beth makes me stay for my dinner.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- Have you got your phone?- Yes!
0:03:17 > 0:03:21I'll get you to take lots of photos o' me with aw the presents.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22We'll put it on Facebook.
0:03:22 > 0:03:27- It's no just about presents, Mum. - I know, I know.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Did you text your bank details to your Auntie Marion?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Here, Beth, come here and see this. - What?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Come here and see what Ian's got.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45What is it?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46HIGH-PITCHED: Hello, Mummy.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Where's this cup of tea? My throat's awful dry.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50THEY LAUGH
0:03:50 > 0:03:52You're as bad as each other. I've told you,
0:03:52 > 0:03:53you're not meant to do that!
0:03:55 > 0:03:56That is so funny. Let me try.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01HE COUGHS
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- What is it?- Oh, no, I don't like it. Tastes like poppers.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08DOORBELL RINGS
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Oh, you're here?- Eh?!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Aye, well, it is my house, you know.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I thought it was just a women's thing.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I told you Ian and Jaz were coming.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25I know, but they're no "men, men."
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- Oh. Hi, Christine! - Oh, there she is.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Hi, Sophie.- All right, Soph?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Hiya. Oh, wow, this is just...
0:04:41 > 0:04:46Oh, my God! Jaz, what happened to you?! Have you been beaten up?
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- No, no, no.- What was it cos you're Asian or cos you're bent?- Mum!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52All right.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Sorry.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Was it cos of your ethnicity
0:04:58 > 0:05:00or cos you're bent?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Neither. That's not what's happened.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- Was it you?- No!
0:05:05 > 0:05:07He bumped in to a cardboard box.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10See, that can happen.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I cut the side of my mouth when I was licking an envelope.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Mind of that, Beth?- I do.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Between that and the cold sore on the other side,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I was like the fucking Joker.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Right, Christine, can I offer you something to drink?
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Indeed you can, Beth.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27What about a Prosecco?!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Oh, lovely.- Thanks.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Oh, there's a fucking strawberry in this.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- Well, yes. - Is there supposed to be?
0:05:36 > 0:05:41- Yes. That's what you're supposed to have for a baby shower.- Oh.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I don't really like strawberries, Mrs Baird.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Could I maybe get a bit of apple in mine?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Or...orange maybe?
0:05:50 > 0:05:55Right. So, we've got the celebration drinks, the cupcakes,
0:05:55 > 0:05:56we'll do the presents,
0:05:56 > 0:06:00then we'll have a toast and maybe a few speeches.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Who's doing speeches? - Well...- Erm...
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Anyone who wants to.
0:06:05 > 0:06:10Usually it's the parents, grandparents and godparents.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15Oh, here, I'd better text Pat and tell her to bring her inhaler.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21THEY MOUTH
0:06:24 > 0:06:28So it's definitely just the cupcakes we're getting, Beth?
0:06:28 > 0:06:35Yes, just the cupcakes I made myself from scratch this morning
0:06:35 > 0:06:40and then iced by hand and covered in pink and blue sprinkles.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- Ah, it's just...we havenae had our lunch.- It's fine.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Thank you, Mrs Baird, for going to all this trouble.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll go.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Hello, Eric. Can I come in?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I've lost my honey, please let me in.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Go on, stroke my nice soft fur,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05you know you want to.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- THEY YELL AND LAUGH - Shit!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Oh, dear God.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10- BOTH: Only us! - Oh!
0:07:10 > 0:07:14"Do eat. Smoke.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18"Potty. Angry face."
0:07:18 > 0:07:19How do you spell inhaler?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Ach, never mind. "Puffer."
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Helloooo!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Oh, is this it? Where is everyone?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- I'm having a separate one for my friends.- Why?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32SHE COUGHS
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Oh, hey, Sophie, look at the size of you.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37You sure it's a baby you've got in there and no something else?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39THEY LAUGH
0:07:39 > 0:07:43It is hard to know what is actually baby and what is fluid.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- (Oh, dear God.) - I was the same, though.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Oh, I was like a giant bloody whale, Beth.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Big baby, eh?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Not necessarily. A big bump doesn't always mean a big baby.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57That's true. Although it did wae her.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I came out that hospital like John Wayne after a bad curry.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Right, well, never mind, eh?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06What about this, eh? I wonder what this is, eh?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09It's a present for Sophie.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10"Raaaargh!"
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Oh. Thank you!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- Could you no have got one a wee bit bigger?- I think that's big enough.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Oh, my God.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Oh, no.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, Jaz, what's happened?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24He walked into a box...apparently.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I walked into the edge of a cardboard box.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29We're moving house tomorrow and we've got stuff everywhere.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Mm-hm, right. And what really happened?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Did you try to fire into a straight guy, hm?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Most stressful thing in the world they say, Jaz, moving house.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Hmm, you might have another breakdown, Jaz.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44He won't.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Are you still on antidepressants?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Yeah. - See, I don't think they work.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Right, let's get this started.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Everybody needs drinks. Cathy?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Oh, champagne?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Prosecco.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Oh, here, watch, Cathy - there's stuff floating in it.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Right, OK. So, it's the Prosecco and then the cupcakes,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12and then we'll do presents, and then we'll have a toast,
0:09:12 > 0:09:16and a few speeches and then there might be a wee surprise after that.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Oooh! What, like a stripper?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- No, Cathy! It's not a hen night. - Remember that one we went to for
0:09:21 > 0:09:24the charity night for the kidney machines and you got all that oil
0:09:24 > 0:09:26in your hair?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30What time is it?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Still no sign of Pat, eh?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34No.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- She will love this.- Yeah.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40A special day.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43A very special day.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Yeah.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Here, Sophie, going to loosen the Velcro on my shoe, there?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52That's it, it's just a bit tight, the bandage. There we go.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- So...keys to the new place on Monday, then?- Yeah.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Youse excited? Where did you say it was again?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Was it out past the turn-off for the airport?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Aye, just before you come to the big B&Q.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06There's new flats on the left-hand side there.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09New place on Monday for these two, Cath, out by the airport.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- CATHY:- Oh, wow.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12What's he up to?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Every time I go to the airport, it reminds me of going on holiday.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20A wee bit dicey out there, is it no?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Oh, yes, it is. Uh-huh.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Is it? - Well, it certainly used to be.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- It's all been regenerated, though. - They'd need to have done something
0:10:28 > 0:10:32because it was like the Wild West. There was, like, gangs...
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Drug addicts. - Beggars.- Oh, God, I hate beggars.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Interrupting me when I'm on the phone!
0:10:37 > 0:10:40It'll be all right now, though. I mean, if it's all been done up.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Look forward to the flat warming, Jaz.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I shall treat myself to a new stab vest.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48THEY LAUGH
0:10:48 > 0:10:50That's enough, Eric!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Honestly, Christine, he's been at this all bloody morning,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57inhaling it and doing the funny voice. He thinks it's hilarious.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58PHONE RINGS
0:10:58 > 0:10:59HIGH-PITCHED: Hi, Pat.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- Look, it was fine when we went and did the viewing.- Mmm.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- I saw stuff written on a wall. - What stuff?
0:11:18 > 0:11:19"Gemma loves spunk."
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Look, did you like the flat?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- Well, yeah.- Did you feel safe when you were there?
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Pretty much, yeah.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Well, I'm sure it's fine. That night we went back for the second viewing
0:11:31 > 0:11:33the streets were practically deserted.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Everyone was probably round at Gemma's.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Oh, yeah. Spunk.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44You all right, Christine?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46She's not coming.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Oh, no. Ach, what a shame!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Who's that?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Pat over the back.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55No potty today, Sophie.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I wasted two fucking texts on her as well.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00So, everybody all right for drinks, eh?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- Sophie? - Oh, I'm fine, Mr Baird.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05You should have a spritzer, Sophie.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10That's what I had when I was on the IVF. Well, if I was driving.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Actually, can I have another orange, please,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14with just a little bit of fizz in it?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Yeeees!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Go, Sophie! Go, Sophie! Go, Sophie!
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Don't be getting pissed in there!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Here, Jaz! Jaz, come here.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Let me get a closer look at that eye of yours.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35Oh, aye, you see, that reminds me of the time that revolving door
0:12:35 > 0:12:38at the carvery battered me on the side of the face.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- Do you remember that, Sophie? - Yes.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45I was too busy watching the boy wheeling in a fresh lump of gammon.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48So, how long to go now, Sophie?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Oh, well, my due date's the 15th.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Oh, she could go any time, Cathy.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Oh, really?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Do you know if it's a wee boy or a girl yet?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I don't know, I didn't want to find out.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03That's why I did pink and blue ones, just in case.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Oh, and that's why I'm going to take one of each.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Oh, close your eyes, Sophie, and pick one.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11No peeking.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Awful, awful dry sponge.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Oh, what's it going to be?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Oh, this is going to be a sign. What's she going to have?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24A dry fucking mouth. Oh!
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Oh, it's blue! She's going to have a boy!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29She's going to have a boy!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32A wee boy, Eric, eh? A wee pee-pee.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34When my sister was pregnant, she didn't know whether it was a boy
0:13:34 > 0:13:37or a girl and we all thought it was going to be a girl,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39and it turned out it was a boy.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Right, has everybody had a cupcake? There's plenty.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Oh, no, you're all right, Beth.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Christ, my mouth's like the inside of an Arab's sandshoe as it is.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Shall we do the presents?
0:13:57 > 0:14:02It's such a shame you're no going to be getting the potty today.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Pat's bought her a potty - it's got a princess on it.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Awww. - Princess Elsa.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Oh, it's a lovely deep one, Jaz.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15And see when they sit on it, it plays Let It Go.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- Right, shall we start with Ian and Jaz's?- This one?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- Ohhh...- What is it?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- It's a night light.- Oh, is it?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33"Bulb not included."
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Guess who'll be taking a trip to Wilko then, eh?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Beth, what are you doing tomorrow?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Here's another wee thing for you, Sophie. There you go.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Thank you, that's really kind of youse.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Oh, where's that for? - Oh, it's for John Lewis.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Oh, thank you very much.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56This is from Eric and I.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Thank you.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06It's very practical cos it sticks to the table.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I was thinking of getting one for Eric as well.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Ha-ha(!)
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Oh.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16This is exciting.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- And where's that for? - Oh, it's for Superdrug.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Oh. Och, well, I'll take it anyway.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I'll be needing some Toilet Duck.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Well, thank you very much, everyone.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Right. Well, let's get all this paper cleared up. Eric?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Aw, no, I'll take it, Eric.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- I can use that for lining the bottom of the guinea pig's cage.- Aye?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Oh, aye, no shiny stuff, though, because that doesnae soak up.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Can I do anything, Mrs Baird?
0:15:44 > 0:15:49Bring through another bottle of Prosecco, in case anybody wants.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Oh, I'll take one, son, but no floaters for me.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04So...you all packed and ready to go, then?
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Yeah.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- Where did you say it was again, this place?- Eastwood Drive.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Aw, aye, aye. No bad up there, actually.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Mind you, awful lot of dogs off the lead.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Is there?- Oh, aye.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23I'll tell you another thing, the owners don't pick up after them.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26The council have a hot line for reporting it but who wants
0:16:26 > 0:16:28the reputation of being a grass?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Know what I'm saying, Jaz?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Eh?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35No with some of the headcases that stay up there.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I mean, I suppose what you could do,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40you could always pick it up yourselves.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- What? - Well, somebody's got to dae it
0:16:42 > 0:16:45and nobody else that lives up there gives a shit.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Oh, sorry.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Mind you,
0:16:49 > 0:16:54then you risk the dog itself turning on you, which is understandable.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59I get annoyed myself if someone goes into the cubicle straight after me.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07And then, of course, there was all that talk about getting
0:17:07 > 0:17:10a paddling pool set up in the living room.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Well, giving birth at home can be a messy business.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15And I said to the midwife,
0:17:15 > 0:17:19"Where's all that going to get emptied once it's all done?"
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I mean, that wee drain at my back door can hardly cope
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- with the juice aff a roast dinner. - Mum!- What?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Am I right, Ian?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33(Beth!)
0:17:33 > 0:17:34What?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36What would happen if she had it now?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Pardon?- Sophie.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41What would happen if it just started...coming out of her now?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- We'd phone an ambulance.- But what if it didn't get here in time?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Have you ever delivered a baby before, Beth?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- No.- Me neither.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51You need to get her knickers straight off and move her
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- through on to the lino. - No, Cathy!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56We're here to wish her all the best and to celebrate.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I am not shoving her into the kitchen
0:17:58 > 0:18:00in case her waters suddenly break.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- You OK, Sophie?- Yeah.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Oh, Ian, did you bring me those cushions I asked you to?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Oh, yeah.- Where are you going?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I've got to get some stuff out the car.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19# One for the money and the free ride... #
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- Cathy!- What?! It's meant to be a party, for God's sake!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26It's a baby shower, Cathy! Honestly!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Any chance of a can of Stella, Eric?
0:18:36 > 0:18:37CAR ALARM CHIRPS
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- I think we've made a mistake.- What?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45With the flat. We can't move there. We need to pull out.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Whoa, ho, ho, hang on a minute, what's going on?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- Colin was just telling me about the dogs.- What dogs?
0:18:50 > 0:18:51They're shitting everywhere.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54There's dogs shitting everywhere and nobody's clearing it up
0:18:54 > 0:18:56because they're too frightened they'll get bitten.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Well, I'm certainly enjoying this.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Much better without the fruit.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09I don't like strawberries.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Well, when I say I don't like them,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I mean, I don't NOT like them.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16I like them in jam.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I like jam.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21And I like toast.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I like toast and jam.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Actually, that's one of my favourites.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31# These are a few of my favourite things. #
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Right, OK. So, let's have the speeches, shall we?
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Nooooooo!
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Sophie, this is such a special day.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41You're not going to do a speech, are you?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44So, we're supposed to start with the mother to be.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46No!
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Go on, Sophie. Just a few words. - Aye, just a few.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Em, well...
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Come on, Sophie, don't be shy.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57OK. Erm...
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Well, I don't really have much to say,
0:19:59 > 0:20:04just...thank you for your presents and thank you,
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Mrs Baird, for having everyone over.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I just hope the baby doesn't keep you up at night
0:20:08 > 0:20:11with all the noise and the crying when it comes.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Oh, we'll be fine. We're used to it with Cathy.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14THEY LAUGH
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha(!)
0:20:17 > 0:20:22Erm, anyway, thank you for the... the presents and for the vouchers.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I'll make sure I get something nice with them.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- A mattress protector. - And that's...that's it.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29ALL: Aw!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Oh, yes. Very good.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- Oh, another thing.- Oh, fuck off.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Today isn't just about me and the baby.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- I think we should also be having a toast for Ian and Jaz.- Aw!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- Oh, no, honestly.- Uh-huh.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48We should be celebrating you getting your new flat.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- To Ian and Jaz. - ALL: To Ian and Jaz.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- What is it? - Nothing.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02What? What's the matter?
0:21:03 > 0:21:08Well, we're going to have to have a word with the estate agents.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Apparently the area's a bit mental.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Really? - Apparently.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17At least that's what Colin and Cathy were telling us.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Well I mean, I... I wouldn't say mental.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24They said there were gangs and people begging in the street,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26and you said I'd have to pick up dog's dirt.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- What?! - What's this about dog's dirt?
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Colin, what's going on?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Oh, there's nothing worse.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I'd shoot the lot of them.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Mind that time you had to hose down the pavement out there, Beth,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40when that daft spaniel got into your bin?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- Colin? - Well...
0:21:46 > 0:21:50I had you! You fell for it!
0:21:50 > 0:21:51CATHY AND COLIN LAUGH
0:21:51 > 0:21:52What?
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- We were winding you up! - Oh, my God, that's so funny!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59You want to have seen him when I says to him about picking up shite.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01The wee lip was going and everything.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Aw, you can't beat a good wind up.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06You're a dick.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Aw.- Ian, it was just a joke.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Oh, aye, hilarious(!) Christ, he's flaky enough as it is.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15What?
0:22:15 > 0:22:19I don't mean flaky, I mean you worry about...stuff.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Do I?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Jaz, son, do you want a sedative?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29One of my wee Mogadons and you'll not give a fuck where you live.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Some people just don't have a sense of humour, Colin.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Just leave it.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37So, it's the grandmother next.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38That's you, Christine.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Oh, what do I do?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Just say a few words.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Oh.- Never usually a problem.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48SOPHIE LAUGHS
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Oh, let me get sat up then, eh? Right.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52CHRISTINE SIGHS
0:22:53 > 0:22:59Well, naturally I'm disappointed at the no buffet...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02About the pregnancy. About Sophie.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Oh, uh-huh.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Well, obviously...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Aw, heck.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Oh, you're all right, Christine.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19I just can't believe it.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I mean, one minute she's your wee lassie and the next thing you
0:23:23 > 0:23:25know she's having unprotected intercourse!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28It's unbelievable, so it is!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Right, that's enough.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35So, is that it then?
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Well, the only other thing is the godparents' speech.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Well, we can't have that, can we?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- How no? - Well, Pat isn't here.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47And who said Pat's the godparent?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Eh?!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Pat might not be the godparent.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53What are you saying?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I might have already asked someone - or a couple of people.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59What are you talking about, like who?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Mr and Mrs Baird.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04You what?
0:24:04 > 0:24:09I've asked Beth if her and Mr Baird'll be godparents to the baby.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16You've asked Beth and Eric
0:24:16 > 0:24:21to be godparents to my grandchild?
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Pat can still video the birth on her phone, though, can't she?
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Well, I'll keep it brief. I'd just like to say...
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Later. Right, I've got another wee surprise.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Ian, where are the cushions?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53And, Eric, where's that thing I asked you to get?
0:24:53 > 0:24:59We're going to play a game called Who's Got The Real Baby?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02It's a bit like Pin The Tail On The Donkey.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05So, you get the cushion and you stick it up the front of your
0:25:05 > 0:25:09jumper, and then we all have to guess whose is the real baby bump.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- OK? Who wants to be blindfolded? - Me.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13- No.- Mum, you do it!
0:25:13 > 0:25:17- Eh?!- Do my mum, Mrs Baird. Mum, put the blindfold on.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- No.- Come on.- No!
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Come on, Christine!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23SOPHIE AND ERIC GIGGLE
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Right, you'll need to get stood up for this.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Aw, Sophie, Sophie, you'll need to give me a hand up.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32No, no, don't worry, I'll give you a hand.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Right, careful, Beth, I could fall on my arse here.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Oh, oh!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39OK, everyone line up.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- OK, Sophie, you spin her around. - Oh.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Jaz, can you move that out of the way?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46No, she's right there. Ian, make sure everyone's got a cushion.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Now that's it. - No, one more.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Oh, one more! Ooh, dizzy.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Right OK, Christine,
0:25:53 > 0:25:57you're to guess which bump is the real one,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59which one's the baby bump. OK?
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Right, OK. Where am I going?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Over this way. No, no, over this way, to your right.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05There you go. There. Right, that's it.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Ho, ho, ho, that's my wee pal there.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Right. Go down that line.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- Right, oh, oh. - That's it, that's it.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Oh, oh, oh, right, Oh, no. That's HIS wee pal.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Uh-huh.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18HE INHALES HELIUM
0:26:18 > 0:26:19HIGH-PITCHED: Get off me!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Stupid arse.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Oh, no, no, no, that's not it.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26No?
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Oh, terrible smell of booze and perfume. That's Cathy.
0:26:30 > 0:26:35Right, Oh! Oh, oh, what's this.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Oh, this could be. Oh maybe.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44Let me see. Oh, wait a minute. Is it this?
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Wait. Mmm, maybe.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51No, it's definitely this one.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53It's fucking huge!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- Hey!- Oh, for...
0:26:55 > 0:26:57THEY LAUGH
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- She thought you were Eric! - It's not as big as that!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Sophie, what do you make of that then?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Ah!
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- Ah!- What is it?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Mrs Whyte! My waters are breaking!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- Beth! Beth, I told you!- Calm down.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Let go! Get her off me!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Get her off me!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25SOPHIE GIGGLES
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Cannae beat a good wind up, eh?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30THEY LAUGH
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- That's my girl!- Oh, ya dancer!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Oh, come on! That was cheeky!
0:27:36 > 0:27:37THEY LAUGH
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# Yes, sir, that's my baby
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# No, sir, I don't mean maybe
0:27:45 > 0:27:49# Yes, sir, that's my baby now
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# Yes, sir, that's my baby
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# No, sir, I don't mean maybe
0:27:57 > 0:28:01# Yes, sir, that's my baby now
0:28:01 > 0:28:03# Whoa, whoa, whoa
0:28:03 > 0:28:07# Yes, sir, that's my baby now
0:28:07 > 0:28:09# Yeah! #