0:00:02 > 0:00:04There she is!
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Eric, it's huge.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Well, what we don't eat tonight we can keep and eat tomorrow.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Huh! YOU can eat tomorrow - one night a year eating
0:00:12 > 0:00:16the insides of a sheep's quite enough for me, thank you very much.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18National dish of Scotland, that is.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21You say to anybody in the world, "Name something Scottish,"
0:00:21 > 0:00:23- and they'll say? - The Proclaimers.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25- No.- Heart disease.- No!
0:00:25 > 0:00:27- Knife crime, heroin, Greggs... - No!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30They'll say, "haggis"!
0:00:32 > 0:00:41This programme contains some strong language
0:00:47 > 0:00:50RADIO PLAYS "MAGGIE MAY" BY ROD STEWART
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- Hi!- Hi, Beth. Happy Burns Day!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55It's no' Burns DAY, Cathy, it's Burns NIGHT.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Oh, who gives a fuck?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59So, you been out doing a bit of the old haggis hunting, have you, missus?
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Oh, yes.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Here, listen, some tourists do actually believe that
0:01:04 > 0:01:07a haggis is a real wee animal. ERIC LAUGHS
0:01:07 > 0:01:09CATHY LAUGHS WEAKLY
0:01:09 > 0:01:11DOORBELL CHIMES
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Sit yourselves down.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Ah, yes!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- Christine!- Hello, Beth.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- Everything all right? - The least said the better.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Oh, hi, Christine.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- Hullo.- Sit down.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37So, eh, how you doing, Christine, all right?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- CHRISTINE SIGHS - I'm OK, Eric.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I'm...OK.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Beth was saying you've been away down seeing Sophie.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- That's right. - Oh, big Sophie, how is she?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52She is living in council accommodation with a man who
0:01:52 > 0:01:56comes down the stairs in the morning in his underpants
0:01:56 > 0:02:00and bare feet and watches cartoons with his headphones in.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- Where is it she's moved to again? - North Wales.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Boy, oh, boy, some journey that, eh?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Oh, you're tellin' me - seven hours I've been on that Stagecoach.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Oh, my arse was numb - I still cannae feel my right cheek.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Well, look, let's get you a drink.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Oh, and how's the baby, Christine, how's wee...baby...?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- Madison.- That's it! Madison.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Col - I told you she was called after our bedroom
0:02:25 > 0:02:28furniture from that brochure.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31She's a wee angel, so she is.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- ALL:- Awww...
0:02:34 > 0:02:38She's quite heavy-set round the chin and she's got the reflux as well,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42so, no sooner has she got the bottle doon her than she's spewing it
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- back up on top of you but apart fae that...- Aw, bless her.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Honest to God, Eric, she is the only thing that kept me going.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Well, that and the big bar of Galaxy that
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I got for a pound at the service station.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57OK - who's for a wee dram?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00A wee whisky, well, it would be rude not to on Burns Night.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I'm not a big fan of whisky.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- Oh, what would you like then?- Just a large one with some Diet Coke.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I cannae really take spirits on an empty stomach, Beth.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- Would you like a...- Aye, a wee packet of crisps to go along with it, aye.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16So what's the drill tonight, then, Beth?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Well, there's haggis, neeps and tatties and shortbread for afters.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Whit, naebody doing a poem or a song?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Woo-hoo! Sing-song - Colin is a brilliant singer -
0:03:25 > 0:03:26he knows the words to stuff.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Aye, but I don't know any Burns songs.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Yeah, but we won't be doing any of that shit.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Right, here we are.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Walkers prawn cocktail, if you've got them, Beth.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40We have got a really, really expensive bottle of whisky
0:03:40 > 0:03:43that we bought at a distillery up near our time-share, haven't we, Col?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- We have, aye.- That sounds lovely. How old is it?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49It's about two weeks ago now, that we bought it, Eric?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53OK, shall we have a wee toast?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Aye, that's a good idea!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Woo-oo-oo-f!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02THAT is actually not bad.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04DOORBELL CHIMES
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Cheers!
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Happy Burns Night, Mrs Baird!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Hiya, Mum! - Oh, I like that!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Oh, thank you!! I wanted to wear a kilt but he wouldn't let me.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Aw, why not?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Naw, there's no need for a kilt, you're not even Scottish!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I said I was happy not to wear pants under it.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- Come in, come in.- Actually, could I just use your loo?
0:04:25 > 0:04:30If I had worn a kilt I'd be able to walk straight in there and just go for it, wouldn't I?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32IAN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:04:32 > 0:04:34LAUGHTER
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Hey!- Hey! It's Ian.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Hi, Ian.- All right, Christine - I thought you were away...
0:04:40 > 0:04:42It's all right, Beth.
0:04:42 > 0:04:48I was, Ian, but let's just say I came back slightly earlier than expected.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Right. - We'll draw a line under it.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53OK.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Do you know they had me sleeping with a cushion off the couch for a pillow?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Hello, hello, hello!- Hey! - Oh, it's Gordon!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04There he is, gay Gordon.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Gay Gordon, Colin!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- Are you going to do us a dance, Gordon?- Dance! Dance!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- # Deedle, ee, dee, deedle... # - Cathy!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Yee-ee-ee-ha! - CATHY!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Hullo, Gordon. - Hello again, Christine. How are you?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I've been in Wales.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22You've had your toilet done up, I see, Mrs Baird?
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Yeah, yeah. Well, new wallpaper and a lick of paint.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27What's this, Beth?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Oh - have you been doing things in your wee toilet
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- and not telling anyone? - The difference is incredible!
0:05:33 > 0:05:34What is it?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37ERIC: Oh, we redecorated the wee downstairs loo.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Aw, Beth - I liked your toilet.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Well, it did need a bit of a freshen up, didn't it, Eric?
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Oh, it did, aye.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- COLIN:- I can't think what it was like - I've been in your upstairs
0:05:48 > 0:05:50one, at least I think I have.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52You have, Colin, remember you were sick in it once
0:05:52 > 0:05:55when Beth did the cottage pie with the cheap mince.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56So I was!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Ah, let's get a look at it then. - What?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Well, I'm needing SOMETHING to cheer me up.- I don't think...
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Beth, come on, don't be shy, show us your loo.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09DOOR CREAKS
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Oh, that's lovely, Beth.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Oh, yes, I like it, Beth.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I can see myself in here quite happy.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Cheap toilet roll, Col.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20So, what did you say you'd had done to it?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Well, new wallpaper, new light shade.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Painted the pipe chase, it was really...
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It needed painting. Put down a new carpet as well.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- Oh very nice, very nice, who did it? - Eric did.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Ah, you should have said, Eric - I'd have come and given you a hand.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Colin's brilliant at DIY - he's got two paint brushes
0:06:37 > 0:06:39and I'm going to buy him an axe.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41He did very well, he's done a great job.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44That wallpaper's running off at an angle there.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- What?- And your skirting board could do with another coat.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Same silly wee sink, I see as well.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53OK. Everyone seen everything they want?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55New wallpaper, fresh paint, same silly wee sink,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57oh, but we did get a new toilet roll holder.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- New toilet roll holder?- Yes. - How come...
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Eric pulled it off the wall. Right, everyone back through please.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Lovely...
0:07:12 > 0:07:16So, is this your first time at a Burns Supper then, is it, Gordon?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Yeah.- I think that deserves a kiss.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25You've never been to a Burns Supper, Gordon?
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Nope.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Aw, you don't know what you're missing.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Aw, you'll love it - you'll absolutely love it.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- I'm really enjoying it so far. - You enjoy yourself, Gordon.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37You deserve to enjoy yourself and to be happy.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Forever.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Him too.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Wait till later, wait 'til it gets going -
0:07:44 > 0:07:47because there's nothing like a Burns Supper in full swing.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- What happens? - Everyone gets totally fucked.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Obviously, though, this is just a stupid wee thing in a house,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56but see some of the properly organised ones that they have...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- They are unbelievable, Gordon! - Really?
0:07:59 > 0:08:03We went to this one in Edinburgh Castle, there was bagpipes, there
0:08:03 > 0:08:07was barrel loads of malt whisky, log fires burning, remember it, Cathy?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Erm?- Remember!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13We went back to that hotel with the bath in the middle of the room?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16No.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Aw, no, right enough - that's when me and Yvonne were together.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22But honestly, Gordon, what a night that was.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24It was absolutely tremendous!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30It's a shame Christine's trip down to see Sophie didn't go so well.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Aye, who could have predicted that, eh?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35That is a long bus journey too.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Certainly for the poor bastard sat next to her.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Eric! Christine's hardly seen that baby since it was born.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Aye, right enough. OK, we all done?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- Yep.- Good.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49RADIO PLAYS "SAY WHAT YOU WANT" BY TEXAS
0:08:49 > 0:08:51It's nice that Ian's brought Gordon, isn't it?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Give him a wee taste of the old Scottish traditions.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- CHRISTINE:- Beth - I've spilt this fucking whisky down the arm of your chair.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Robert Burns is basically like a national
0:09:02 > 0:09:05hero in Scotland, Gordon, isn't he, Cath?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Yes.
0:09:06 > 0:09:12Cos as well as being a poet, he's sort of a...a romantic hero.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- He was a heart-throb in his day, wasn't he?- Was he?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Oh, aye, all the experts, all the historians, they all agree,
0:09:18 > 0:09:22he rode just about every lassie he met.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- I'm sweating like mad with this on. - Take your jacket off.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Wish I had worn a kilt now.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Have you got a kilt yourself, Gordon?
0:09:31 > 0:09:32No.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- I've got three.- Have you? - Aye.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I've got a really, really, short tartan skirt that
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I sometimes wear, Gordon.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Mine cost a fortune, made to measure,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44none of your off the peg tourist shite.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- What tartan are they? - Don't know.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49But see that Burns Supper I was tellin' ye aboot, they were
0:09:49 > 0:09:52all in kilts - see when the dancing started, God,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Yvonne's eyes were just about popping oot her head!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Yes, all right, Colin. - What?
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- Yvonne, Yvonne, Yvonne, Yvonne... - I'm only just...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Yeah, we could all be sitting here banging on about our exes, Colin.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I mean Ian's not sitting here talking about Jaz, is he?
0:10:07 > 0:10:11"Oh, Jaz this, Jaz that, Jaz was so lovely, he was so lovely..."
0:10:11 > 0:10:13He was so much better-looking than Gordon, he had
0:10:13 > 0:10:16nicer eyes, better teeth, bigger bulge.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19But he's not, is he?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Ian - do you ever hear fae Jaz?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I'm only just telling him about the Burns Supper we went to.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29- He just happened to mention her, Cathy.- Oh...
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- OK, everyone?- No, we're not!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Colin is obsessed with his ex-girlfriend.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50- Excuse me?- Beth - did you ever notice Jaz's willy?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- What?- Look, can we just leave Jaz's willy out of this?
0:10:53 > 0:10:57I'm fine with it, my ex was quite well hung as well, Mrs Baird.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Look, I don't know what's going on in here
0:11:00 > 0:11:03but can we just draw a line under it?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Well, you wouldn't be saying that if Eric was going on about one of his exes in front of you.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- What?- Just saying.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Beth, was Eric not involved with a woman that
0:11:12 > 0:11:15worked on the railways before he met you?
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Eric, what was the name of that woman that you used to go
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- with before you met Beth? - Sorry?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24You said she had awful wirey hair, Beth.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Do we really have to do this? - Linda, that was it.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- You're talking years ago. - How long, Eric?
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Oh, well, it was certainly before they electrified the line out to Helensburgh.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I'm sure it was Linda. Was it?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I don't know - I mean I wasn't really serious with
0:11:40 > 0:11:43anybody before I met Beth, I went out with a few people.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Did you?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Well, not loads.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48- COLIN:- I always said to Cathy,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52I bet when you were younger, you had a nose for it.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57Oh, aye, I can just see him - buying women fish suppers
0:11:57 > 0:12:00and then trying to corner them in bus shelters.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Excuse me! I didn't do anything that everybody else wisnae doing.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Look, everybody's got exes, have we not?
0:12:06 > 0:12:10What's important is who we're with now, the past is the past
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- and today's today. - Hear, hear.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- BETH:- Good idea. Cheers, everyone, happy Burns Night.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- Happy Burns Night! - ALL:- Burns Night.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Burns Night!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Here, Gordon, what's that tartan that you're wearing?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- It's McIntyre. - Aw, that was Yvonne's surname.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Oh, God!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40How long does it say for Gordon's vegetarian one?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43It's, eh, 20 minutes.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- You all right, Cathy? - I'm fine.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51All right if I use your lovely new toilet, is it, missus?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Of course, Cathy.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57RADIO PLAYS "IN A BIG COUNTRY" BY BIG COUNTRY
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- So, are you a haggis man yourself, Ian?- I'll take a bit.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- Not a massive fan. - I tell you what,
0:13:05 > 0:13:09it's good for the environment cos it's using up all the bits
0:13:09 > 0:13:12of an animal that would normally end up going into an incinerator.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Or to feed other animals.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17It's the circle of life, Ian.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20How did your daughter meet her new partner?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Online, Gordon. Which I am not keen on -
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I mean how do you know that somebody is
0:13:25 > 0:13:29who they say they are on the internet?
0:13:29 > 0:13:33True. He must have been really keen if he drove all the way up from Wales to meet her.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Well, he'd not seen a photo.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40But, yes, up he came, took her for a Chinese meal
0:13:40 > 0:13:43and within three days, she had her bags packed and her
0:13:43 > 0:13:48and wee Madison were halfway down the M6 in the back of a Toyota.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50What a shame.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55Still, if that's what she wants, who am I to stand in her way?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Yes, there have been some harsh words
0:13:58 > 0:14:00but I wish them well,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I really do.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- They can always come up and visit? - She can, he can get to fuck.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08TOILET FLUSHES
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Oh, Beth, it really is lovely in there.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Oh, thank you, Cathy.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20You should be so proud of what you've done in that toilet, Eric.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Right.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25RADIO PLAYS "LITTLE BIRD" BY ANNIE LENNOX
0:14:27 > 0:14:30So, potatoes OK, are they, missus?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Yes, fine.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34And haggis? Boiling away too?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Uh-huh.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41And the, orange veg? The...the...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- Turnip. - Turnip, yeah, that's OK too?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Yes, all fine. - Eric, would you..?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Mm?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Would you leave Beth and I alone with the haggis for a minute, please?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Er, aye, sure.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Why don't you go and put the napkins out?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Put the napkins out, Eric, give people something to spit into.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03So, how long you been in Scotland then, Gordon?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- Just under a year. - You settling in all right, are you?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Yeah, yeah. People have been brilliant
0:15:08 > 0:15:10but I still find the accent a bit tricky, sometimes.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Och, yer baws, it is!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15She disagrees.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18ERIC: Scotland's renowned as being one of the most welcoming
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- countries in the world for foreigners to come to. - That's true, Eric.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- Very few get attacked for no reason. - I love it here, I really do.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Aw, that's lovely.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30So, Ian - you and Jaz definitely finished then?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Look at this. - Who's that?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38THAT is Yvonne.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Who's Yvonne?
0:15:39 > 0:15:43That's Colin's ex - that's the one he's been going on about earlier.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- Oh, Cathy.- I mean, look at the tits, they're implants.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50And the pout there, oh, she's had her lips done an' all.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54And the teeth - I mean, they're quite good, actually,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I wonder where she got them done.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Oh, look, oh, look - the holiday shot. Oh, look, there
0:16:00 > 0:16:05she is on the balcony, look at me, glass of wine, I'm in the Bahamas.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Are you fuck, love - you're on an all-inclusive cock hunt in Corfu.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Cathy, this is NOT a good idea.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Oh, my God, oh, my God, look at what she's posted!
0:16:15 > 0:16:19"Happy Burns Night, everyone, should auld acquaintance be forgot -
0:16:19 > 0:16:23"big shout-out to friends old and new".
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Well, we know who that's aimed at, don't we?!
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- Right, you are going to put an end to this right now.- What?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38You and Yvonne, I don't want you being in contact with her.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I haven't spoken to her in years.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Oh, really? Then how do you explain this?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Christ, she's not aged at all. - She's a slut!
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- Hey, hey, hey.- Oh, shut up, Eric, excited about haggis.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Look, I just mentioned Yvonne because I was telling Gordon about the Burns Supper.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Right, OK, well,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I want you to tell her that she is never to contact you ever again.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Eh? - Am I being unreasonable, Beth?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- Well...- Thank you.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04You tell her that all lines of communication between her
0:17:04 > 0:17:08and you are now officially closed.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10OK, OK, OK.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- How am I meant to do that? - Send her a message on Facebook.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16No, don't, don't! No more secret messages.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Phone her! - I've not got her number.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- Well, then, get her to phone you! - What?!- Oh, shush!
0:17:22 > 0:17:26OK, send her a message on Facebook, give her your number,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29tell her to phone you and when she does,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31tell her that she's never to contact you ever again. OK?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34OK.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37NOW!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- This happens a lot, Gordon. - Does it?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Aye, she goes fucking cuckoo with the drink.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Well, anyway...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Is it not about time we had a poem or a song or something?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Oh, I've got one. - What is it?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57It's one about wild oats.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- No, no, no, we'll not have that. - I could do Tam o' Shanter.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Oh, Eric, that goes on forever.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Did you know Sophie won a prize at the school for doing a Burns poem.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08GORDON: Did she, Christine?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Or was that for her project about the Egyptians?
0:18:10 > 0:18:16Eric, was Robert Burns by any chance part-Egyptian?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- No.- No. I didn't think so.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25GORDON: I could do a song. It's not Robert Burns, though.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27But it is Scottish.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Go on, Gordon, you sing! - WHISPERS:- Is he shit, Ian?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Is it Danny Boy?
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Oh, remember Eric sung that at your father's funeral, Beth?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39That was a terrific night.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41OK, OK, OK.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Shhh...
0:18:43 > 0:18:46HE HUMS INTRO FAINTLY
0:18:47 > 0:18:51# When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be
0:18:51 > 0:18:54# I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
0:18:55 > 0:18:58# When I go out, yeah, I know I'm gonna be
0:18:58 > 0:19:01# I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- # If I get drunk...- Yes! - Well, I know I'm gonna be
0:19:06 > 0:19:10# I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
0:19:10 > 0:19:13# And if I...haver... # THEY LAUGH
0:19:13 > 0:19:18# Yeah, I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you
0:19:18 > 0:19:22ALL: # But I would walk 500 miles
0:19:22 > 0:19:26# And I would walk 500 more
0:19:26 > 0:19:31# Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
0:19:31 > 0:19:34# To fall down at your door
0:19:34 > 0:19:36# Da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- # Da, da, da, da - Da, da, da, da
0:19:38 > 0:19:42# Da, da, da, dun, diddle, un, diddle, un, diddle, uh, da, da
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- # Da, da, da, da - Da, da, da, da
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- # Da, da, da, da - Da, da, da, da
0:19:46 > 0:19:49# Da, da, da, dun, diddle, un, diddle, un, diddle, uh, da, da. #
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- THEY CHEER - Gordon!
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Oh, do you remember the two of them with the specs, eh?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I mean what's the matter with them?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02All that money and they cannae afford contact lenses!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05They're famous all over the world, Craig and Charlie.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Craig and Charlie who? - The Proclaimers.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- Oh, aye. - Same as Robert Burns.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14In fact, this is what Burns Night's all about, isn't it?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Celebrating Scotland's contribution to the world, isn't that right, Eric?
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Aye, that's right.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Just think about it - see, at this very moment,
0:20:21 > 0:20:25there'll be Scottish people in every town
0:20:25 > 0:20:27and every country
0:20:27 > 0:20:29and every corner of the globe -
0:20:29 > 0:20:32getting fucking hammered.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- BETH:- OK, folks, nearly time for the haggis. Eric...
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Ooh, right. THEY CHEER
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Up to the table!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Ooh, thanks, Gordon, son.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Oh, you're a nice boy.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52He's good fun, isn't he, Ian?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Aye, aye, he is.- Aw, thanks.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I tell you what, Jaz would never have got up
0:20:57 > 0:20:59and made a fool of himself like that.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Beth - no haggis for me. And...no potatoes.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08And, em, no, em... Argh! Turnip!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- So, nothing at all? - No, I'm having another whisky.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16God, we're going to have loads.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Everybody else'll take a good helping.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Eh, Dad, just potato and turnip for me, I don't really fancy any haggis.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26RADIO PLAYS "A GIRL LIKE YOU" BY EDWYN COLLINS
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- You're a vegetarian are you, Gordon? - Yeah.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Cos you feel sorry for animals or do you just like the attention?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Oh, there's the mashed tatties there.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Eh, Christine, get a bit of the old mashed tattie aboard ye, eh?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Tatties means potatoes, Gordon,
0:21:45 > 0:21:50and mashed is...all mashed up.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- Dad, did you get Gordon his veggie one?- Yep, just coming.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I dread to think what's in that, eh?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- It cannae be any worse than a real one.- What is it that's in haggis?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- Everything.- It's all the livers and kidneys and stuff, is it not?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06No, I'll tell you what's in it - in a proper one you've heart, lung,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09and liver all minced up with onion and oatmeal
0:22:09 > 0:22:12but you've got to soak the oatmeal in blood.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16And then it gets stuffed inside the lining of a sheep's stomach
0:22:16 > 0:22:17and boiled.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- Right.- You'll no' try even a wee bit, Gordon, no?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26OK, turnip.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- ALL:- Woo! - Right, are we all ready?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- ALL:- Yes!! - Hang on, hang on.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Everybody got everything they need? - Aye, oh, aye.- Yes, indeed.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- OK, ready now, Eric. - Here she comes!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Oh, here she comes!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Haggis! Haggis! Haggis!
0:22:42 > 0:22:45THEY CHEER
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- Take a look at that! - It's massive.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- Oh, there's its wee baby beside it. - That's the veggie one.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Oh, that is tremendous, a real traditional Scottish haggis.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- Where d'you get it, Beth? - Aldi's.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Right, come on, Eric, get it dished out, I'm starving.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Hang about, hang about.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08You've got to do the Address to the Haggis first.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Oh, no, not the whole thing, Eric. - Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13This is the bit where we talk to the haggis prior to
0:23:13 > 0:23:15stabbing it with a knife, Gordon.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17ERIC CLEARS THROAT
0:23:17 > 0:23:23Fair fa', your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin'-race.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- What's he saying? - Just skip to the middle.- What?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- We don't need to hear the whole thing.- We're ready for our dinner, Eric!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Awright, awright.
0:23:31 > 0:23:37His knife see rustic Labour dight, An' cut you up wi' ready slight...
0:23:37 > 0:23:41- Ho-ho!- Look at that, eh, Gordon!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43That is so gross.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Trenchin' your gushing entrails bright, Like ony ditch;
0:23:47 > 0:23:51And then, O what a glorious sight,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Warm-reekin', rich!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Right, right, OK that'll do us. Come on, plate it up.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Here we are, there we are, Eric.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Cheers Gordon, thanks, son.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11PHONE RINGS
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- Who is it? Is it her? - Aye. Will I call her back?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- No, speak to her now. - We're just getting our dinner.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Answer it.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Ian, pass us over the potatoes over, will ye?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25A bit o' gravy as well...
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Hello?
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Hi, hi, Yvonne. How you doing? Aye, long time no speak.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36How's things? Oh, are you?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Oh, that's smashing,
0:24:39 > 0:24:43No, I remember you saying that you'd always wanted them done.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Look, hen, what it is, Yvonne, I mean I was really just dropping you
0:24:49 > 0:24:52a line to say, em...
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Don't ever contact me again.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02DON'T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06You... You are a...
0:25:06 > 0:25:08You are a fake-titted slut.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12OK? Right, bye, now. Bye, bye.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15PHONE BEEPS OFF
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Actually, Beth, I will have something to eat.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I'll just have some potato, though, none of the other shit.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Not bad, Eric, not bad at all.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43GORDON: So, em, will your daughter be having a Burns Supper tonight?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I don't know.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- I don't know and I don't care. - Oh, Christine.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50GORDON: It's a shame to think of her missing out.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53ERIC: Do you not think you should give her a wee phone, Christine?
0:25:53 > 0:25:54just sort all this out?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- I certainly will not. - GORDON: Or a text?
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- Just something tae let her know you're thinking about her. - Aye, a wee peace offering.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04GORDON: If she's in Wales, she might not be able to get haggis there.
0:26:04 > 0:26:10- You could send her some.- Eh? - That's a good idea, you could send Sophie some of this haggis.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- Does she like haggis? - Oh, yes.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17She enjoys all meat-based products, Beth.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- COLIN:- Well, why don't you send her a bit?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23I mean, think about it. Haggis gets exported all over the world. I mean, surely,
0:26:23 > 0:26:27we could manage to get a wee bit of this to North Wales, eh, Beth?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- BETH:- Well, it's a lovely thought.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Beth, there's loads of it - none of us want it.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34There's plenty I can give her here.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36She can have some of mine.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45Right. Great.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Right.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Fire it in.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- Put a wee bit of turnip in as well. - Mm-hm.
0:26:51 > 0:26:57Aye, a bit of potato - Ian, some of your mash to send to Sophie.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01There you go.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03That's it - right, zip it up, Cath.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08Oh, listen, she'll be slaverin' when she opens the jiffy bag and sees this.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15That's lovely.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19I'm getting quite emotional seeing it all in the bag there.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Do you know, this tastes a bit funny.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- What d'you mean? - Well it's sort of crumbly.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38A wee bit dry. Yours?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Fine.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Naw, it's definitely...
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- BETH:- Gordon. - Mmm?
0:27:47 > 0:27:51I think you might have the wrong plate there.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Oh, it's all right, Gordon, it's only a wee bit of,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58- what did you say was in it again? - Sheep's guts.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06DOOR SLAMS, GORDON RETCHES
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Your lovely new toilet, Beth.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21MUSIC: I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers