0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:06Got him home this morning. Just one night.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Still a bit sore, but he seems comfortable enough.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- Do you want to try and sit up and speak to Ian?- Eh?
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- That's Ian on the phone. Do you want to sit up and speak to him?- Um...
0:00:15 > 0:00:18HE GROANS Oh, you all right?
0:00:18 > 0:00:19He's just trying.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Oh, no! No, I cannae.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22- He can't.- Oh, too sore.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24"Too sore," he says. HE GROANS
0:00:24 > 0:00:26SHE GIGGLES
0:00:26 > 0:00:28What is it?
0:00:28 > 0:00:29He says you might not be able to sit on it,
0:00:29 > 0:00:31but he bets you can still talk out of it.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33HE SIGHS
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Ohh...
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Hello there, Nurse, the ward open for visitors, is it?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Oh, she looks shattered, doesn't she, Col?- Oh, done in.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01It's as if someone's scraped you off the floor.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Well, it's all the worry. You know, it's the stress, worry...
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Age.- Age, poor diet, lack of exercise.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Still, at least we're here now, Beth.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Ah, yes! Thank goodness for that!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Eric, you've got visitors.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18You all right, squire?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Oh, Eric!
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Oh, Colin, look at him!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Look at his big legs.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- Careful, please.- Careful, Eric.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- I'm all right, I'm fine. - Let Colin help you, Eric.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31He's good at this kind of thing, Beth.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33He's pulled his dad out of a bath.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- Oh, shi...- Eric!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Oh! Too much too soon there.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Just go and just take it easy, let's get you back down.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Back down, Eric, down. Lie down. Down, Eric!
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Oh, Christ!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Dear me! What a state!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Oh, Beth, this is horrendous!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51No wonder you look awful!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Listen, I'm fine, it's just a bit uncomfortable sitting up.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- Aye, when you actually put pressure on the...- Aye.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Anyway, how's...
0:01:58 > 0:02:02So, it's the actual bum hole itself that's ripped, is it, Eric?
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- Oh, for God's sake.- Look, Cathy, it's no big deal.- Well, that's good.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Because, obviously, me and Cathy, we were really quite concerned.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Uh-huh, concerned about your bum, Eric.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14It's more inside.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Ah, it's the lining of the arse?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Ah, right, it's the bum lining, Cath.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24You don't say "bum lining", Colin.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25It's anus.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Or is it rectum?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Beth, you'll know, what's the difference between anus and rectum?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Excuse me, do you mind?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Sorry, squire. Look, we're just curious,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36we just want to know what it is that's actually happened.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40There's a slight tear in my back passage
0:02:40 > 0:02:42from where they took the camera thingy out.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Nothing major, it's just one of those things that can happen
0:02:45 > 0:02:46when you get the check-up done.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49They only kept me in overnight as a precaution.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Otherwise, I am absolutely fine.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Well, of course, you are.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Apart from the torn arsehole. THEY STIFLE GIGGLES
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Aw, bloody hell! Yes, apart from that!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Right, here, before I forget, we've brought you a few bits and pieces.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Ah, that's very good of you.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04One magazine.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Look! Car! Woooo!
0:03:06 > 0:03:07SHE IMITATES CAR REVVING
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Maltesers.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Oooh, chocolate - yummy, yummy, yummy!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14And...eh, a banana.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I found it in the changing room at the gym, Eric.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19That's very nice of you. You didn't need to.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Oh, not at all, missus.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- It's the least we could do, in't that right, Cath?- Uh-huh.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25We're here for you, Eric...
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- ..aren't we, Col?- Oh, aye.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Well, until about 5.30,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- then we'll need to go and get ready. - Mm-hm.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36We're going out for dinner.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40OK, well, I'll take these through and put the kettle on.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Er...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45There's a bottle of wine in here?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I thought about Lucozade, Beth, but it hasn't got any alcohol in it.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- I had my prostate checked, remember that, Cath?- He did, yeah.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- I didnae actually mind it. - No, he doesn't.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I had to lie on my side, knees to chest.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Is that what you had to do, Eric? - Yes.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I was just a finger in a glove though. I mean, yours was the...
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- He had the camera, yes. - Boy, oh, boy!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- I don't know if I could take that. - No, you could.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And was it when it was on its way in or when it was coming out,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25did you say that the damage was done?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Do we need to go in to all the details? Beth!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Look, he's been through quite a lot. - Of course, of course.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Understood. Look, we'll talk about something else.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- What about going to the toilet? - Oh, for goodness' sake...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- That'll be no Swiss picnic.- Have you done a poo yet?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I don't believe this.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Trying for a shite with your arse in a mess like that.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Is this meant to be making me feel better?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50You're normally very regular, aren't you, Eric?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Beth gives him muesli.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I go in the morning, straight after my coffee, bang!
0:04:54 > 0:04:58- Don't I, Cath?- Yeah. - Well, he's not been yet,
0:04:58 > 0:05:02but the doctor says everything should be fine, just not to...
0:05:03 > 0:05:04..force it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Ahhh.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Happy? Everybody know all they need to know?
0:05:09 > 0:05:14Good, so, do you think we could possibly talk about something else?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Course we can, squire.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Sorry, Eric.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19You just lie there and relax,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22concentrate on getting that arse of yours back to its best.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24HE GROANS
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Did I ever tell you about the time
0:05:25 > 0:05:28I nipped the wee bit at the end of my knob on my car keys?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30DOOR BELL RINGS
0:05:31 > 0:05:33SHE TAPS WINDOW
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- Right, I'm ready.- Sorry?
0:05:37 > 0:05:42Let's get going! They've got wee tins of spaghetti at 24p
0:05:42 > 0:05:45and if we get a move on, we can get some of those cubes of Cheddar
0:05:45 > 0:05:48off the deli counter before the wee homeless guy hoovers them.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Christine, I forgot all about this.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53You're joking!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I'm sorry, it's just that I've been so busy.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Oh, I see.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Too busy to make sure that your neighbour,
0:06:00 > 0:06:04who many people agree should have a Blue Badge,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06gets up to Asda for her shopping.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Look, why don't you come in just now?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Very disappointed.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- HE GROANS WEARILY - Very disappointed indeed, Beth.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18What's going on here?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Eric's been in hospital.- Hospital!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Oh, my God!- I'm fine.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- What's the matter with him? - It's nothing really.- It's private.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28He's ripped the inside of his arse. HE SIGHS
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- He's what?! - A camera tore his hole open.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Oh, dear God!
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Beth, come on!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Christine, it's a minor injury.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- Oh, that's a nasty place to have anything.- Oh, aye...
0:06:40 > 0:06:45I had a fold-up chair buckle under me when I was at the caravan once.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47A&E had me bandaged up like a sumo.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50He can't sit down properly.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52What in God's name happened?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I had an appointment yesterday for a colonoscopy.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58They put a camera up just to check everything was all right -
0:06:58 > 0:07:02which it is, by the way - my colon is in perfect working order.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Beth gives him muesli.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06It all went fine other than the fact that there was a slight
0:07:06 > 0:07:10problem towards the end when they were taking the camera out.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Did you clamp on it?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- What?!- It's easy done.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18That's your body's natural reaction to an alien object.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Not his.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22There was a young student doctor taking it out
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- and I think she was a wee bit nervous.- She wasn't the only one.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- It's just bad luck.- Uh-huh.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Anyway, it's all taken care of now,
0:07:29 > 0:07:34so there's no need to discuss any of it in any more detail, OK?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Have you been for a shite yet?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45To be fair to you, Beth,
0:07:45 > 0:07:49when you forgot about my shopping I thought to myself,
0:07:49 > 0:07:51"I could slap this dozy bitch in the face."
0:07:51 > 0:07:54But now I see what you've been dealing with.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55It's terrible, in't it?
0:07:55 > 0:07:59As soon as Beth phoned me, I says to Cathy... Um, what did I say?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01He said, "It's something to do with his arse,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03"we better go in for a bit,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05"but we'll not let it stop us going out for dinner."
0:08:05 > 0:08:09- You all right, Eric? How's it feeling?- Just the same.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Excellent.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Where do you do your shopping, Cathy?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Sorry?
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Your shopping?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Where do yous go for it?
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Colin, what does she mean?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25We just pick stuff up from Marks & Spencer, Christine.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Pat bought nectarines out of there -
0:08:28 > 0:08:30perfectly ripe.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33So they fucking should be at that price.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Colin, you could take Christine to Asda?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Sorry?- You could take her up for her shopping, could you not?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44In fact, you could go as well, Cathy.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Colin's got his wine, he can't drive.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- But he's only had a wee sip of it. - Eh?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50You've only had a wee sip of your wine.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:08:52 > 0:08:54HE GULPS
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- It's a no, Christine. - HE SIGHS
0:09:00 > 0:09:01I'll take you tomorrow.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Tomorrow's no good to me.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I've got nothing in for my dinner.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Aww.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08SHE TAPS GLASS
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- Have you got eggs?- Eh?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Well, if you've got eggs you're never stuck for a dinner.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19I quite often make Cathy a wee omelette if she's wasted
0:09:19 > 0:09:20and can't get anything solid down her.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23An egg for my dinner?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I bet you're not having a fucking egg for yours!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28We're actually going out for dinner.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Oh, aye.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32It's a couple we know from the time-share, Christine.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- Paul and Debbie.- He's got his own business and she's...
0:09:36 > 0:09:38she's his wife.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42If yous two have to make a move, don't let me hold you back.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44No, no, no. MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Eric, what are you having for your dinner?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I'm not hungry.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Ah, well, you should go round to mine, cos there's fuck all in there.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54That's Ian - he's coming round. He says, "Do you need anything?"
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Aye, a new arsehole!
0:09:57 > 0:09:58ALL LAUGH
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- No, I'm all right.- OK.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- Is that Ian, is it Beth?- Uh-huh.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- And is he on his way over?- Yes.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- Where is he now? - Just leaving his place.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Pat had a camera up her bum.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- Remember I told you about that, Beth?- Yes.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26They primed her with a finger though.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Mind you, that's some people's idea of fun, isn't it?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Sometimes more than the finger, as well.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Some people take the whole... - Christine, more coffee?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- What's that called again? - Eh, Christine!
0:10:43 > 0:10:44What's that thing where...?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- Christine!- Fisting!
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Fisting! That's it.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- WEARILY:- Oh, my God...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Though how, in God's name,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57anybody gets pleasure out of that, I do not know.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I mean, can you imagine it, Beth,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03the whole hand inside?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Like Sooty!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12BOTTLES CLINK
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- DOOR OPENS - Hi!
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Aw, there he is! My personal shopper has arrived!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24How's it going, how's Dad?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Och, he's fine, just taking it easy.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Get those Magnums straight into the freezer, Beth!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- Where's Gordon?- Uh, he's working.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Did you get my Peperamis?- Yes!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Did you pay for it on your card?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Yeah, but I'll get the cash off her now.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Bring them in and I'll have one with my coffee.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- Hiya, Dad.- Hiya, Don.- Ian!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Ah, you've got visitors already I see.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- Oh, yes...- Ian!- Yes, Christine!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Where's these Peperamis?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Are you comfy like that?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Well, I was...
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- He can't sit down properly, Ian.- Oh!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00His bum's in a mess.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Can't stand any pressure on the hole at all, Ian.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10- We're here for you though, Eric, aren't we? Hmm?- Aye.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- What time is it now, Col? - How much do I owe you, son?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15That's the receipt there.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Right, thanks, let's have a wee look at this.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Aw, I feel sorry for you, Beth.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Col, I feel guilty about leaving Beth all on her own with Eric.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Aw, I know, it's a shame.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Will you be all right, Beth?
0:12:29 > 0:12:30I'll be fine.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Aw, that's good, I feel better now.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33What's that?
0:12:33 > 0:12:38- Wait a minute - kitchen roll, £2? - What?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Christ, what do they absorb? Apart from the contents of my purse!
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And what's this for cream crackers?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Oh, that's the double pack.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Oh, right, I'll let you away with that then.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Aw, aw, wait a minute!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Sausages - £3?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58They didn't have the ones you wanted. These are organic.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- They're what?- They're organic -
0:13:00 > 0:13:04the pigs are allowed to run about wherever they want.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I don't care if they've been running about
0:13:06 > 0:13:10with Peppa fucking Pig herself, son, I'm no paying three quid for them.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Right, well, OK, just call it 40 quid, Christine.
0:13:13 > 0:13:1540 quid?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Aye, well, it's £42 whatever,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20so just say 40 and that'll do us.
0:13:22 > 0:13:2438 and I get the points.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26You got any more nibbles in there, Christine?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I could do with a wee something to keep me going.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Sorry, Colin, it's...
0:13:30 > 0:13:34it's just essentials I've got in here, you know?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- ASIDE:- Beth, did you fire the Magnums
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- into the freezer for me, aye?- Mm-hm.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Woooo! Look at this!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Cathy, put that down.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Beth, take that off her!
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Get off me!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I'm just joking, Eric.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50HE GROANS
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Oh, and by the way, I got you a bag of onions,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54it was cheaper than the three pack.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Eh?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59What am I going to do with a bag of onions?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Take them home.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03I tell you what you could do - you've got leeks,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05you've got onions, you got carrots in there?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Well, knowing him, I'll have a sack of the bastards.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11You've actually got everything you need for a pot of...
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Vegetables!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Soup! You could make soup!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Aw, naw, naw, naw. I cannae be arsed with that.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- Why not?- All that chopping and peeling and boiling
0:14:21 > 0:14:25and then you're farting like billy-o for days after it.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Did you not make me soup in a Tupperware dish once
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- when I wasn't well, Beth? - Did I?- She did! Remember, Col!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35She handed it in, and I got you to put it down the drain?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- That's what you're needing, Eric. - Eh?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Soup for the invalid.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- Aw, Mum makes great soup. - Aw, are you making soup, Beth?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- What?- Are you wanting some of my veg?- No.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48On you go, Beth, make soup - if you get your skates on,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51we could get a chance to have a quick taste of it.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Now, listen, I don't think...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Here Eric, that'll sort you out, eh?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57A big plate of home-made soup.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58How does that sound?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I'm not hungry.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01And I'm not making soup!
0:15:03 > 0:15:04MUSIC ON RADIO
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Did you hear we're going out for dinner, Ian?
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Oh, right, very good.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18That's why I'm not getting too pished.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- And we're here to see your dad, obviously.- That too, yeah.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24It's a couple we met up at our time-share, Ian.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Debbie and Paul.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Right.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28He's got his own business.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30And she's....
0:15:33 > 0:15:34..she's his wife.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36He's got the right idea, Paul -
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- makes a lot of money doing something he loves.- What's that, then?
0:15:40 > 0:15:41He's a bailiff.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- Aw, here she is.- Beth!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47How's it going in that kitchen with the old soup, eh?
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Oh, soup kitchen, Colin!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Aw, you'd be good at that, Beth, eh? Wouldn't she, Cath?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Aw, yeah, yeah - I can see you feeding tramps, Beth.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58You need to watch with these soup kitchens, you know?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Pat was telling me there's a lot of folk that go there
0:16:01 > 0:16:05that are not actually homeless. They just go down there for a feed.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- Really?- Aye, she goes down there every Tuesday night
0:16:08 > 0:16:10with her hood up for lasagne and chips.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- What kind of soup is it we're having, Mum?- Leek and potato.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Aw, she's snaffled my tatties as well.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Ian, receipt!
0:16:18 > 0:16:19You got any bread to go with it?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22You want a slice of bread to go with your soup, Eric?
0:16:22 > 0:16:23I don't even want soup!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- Eric wants crusty bread with his - you any crusty bread?- No.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- You got any bread at all? - I've got a loaf of wholemeal.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- Aw, no.- Aw, no wi' soup.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- No.- Nah, that's shit!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Christine, what've you got? You got a loaf in there?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Well, it was on my list.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41There wasn't any so I got you four finger rolls instead.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Aw, fucking useless.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Never again.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48What you really want with a bowl of soup is a bit of crusty bread.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Oh, yes, with right thick slices.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Aye, dunk it. - Aye, dunk it and soak it.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Wipe the bowl clean with it!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Oh, aye, and that would save on your washing up, as well, Beth.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Aye, I cannae believe we havenae got any.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Aye, that's a shame - you'll just have to eat your soup and go home.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Well, not unless, Gordon's coming over after work.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- He's what?- Is he, Ian?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13He's coming over after work
0:17:13 > 0:17:15so maybe I could get him to bring a crusty loaf?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25DOOR BELL RINGS
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I'll get it.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30In you come. Did you get one?
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Yeah.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Aw, here he is!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Aw, there's Gordon!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42This is turning into a great day.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Aw, look at you, Gordon, like a wee baker's boy.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48There he is with his loaf. Hm!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51HE HUMS: Music From Hovis Advert
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- SHE LAUGHS - Aw, I remember that.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54SHE HUMS TUNE
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Here, did you come on your bike, Gordon?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01CACKLING
0:18:01 > 0:18:04BOTH HUM TUNE
0:18:08 > 0:18:09No, I came in my car.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Look, Eric, look who it is.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14That's Gordon.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Say, "Hello, Gordon."
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Hello, Gordon.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Aw, let me just give you a little kiss.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24That's just a thank you.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Well, let's see it then, Gordon.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27# Da-dah! #
0:18:27 > 0:18:29That's what we're talking about.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Let's see it.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Oh, here, I hope you've got plenty of butter in there.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Butter, Beth, Butter!
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Do you know, Gordon, that is exactly the same kind of loaf
0:18:39 > 0:18:42that I was carrying when I hit that wee Indian man
0:18:42 > 0:18:44in the face coming off the bus.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48How are you feeling, Mr Baird?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50He's still quite sore, Gordon, he's not done a poo yet,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53but we're going for a meal with Paul and Debbie.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Here, Gordon, you come over here and sit next to me, son.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01You want a wee Peperami?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Oh, erm, I'm vegetarian.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05It's only a half.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09So, what exactly happened, Mr Baird,
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- or do you not want to talk about it? - I don't want to talk about it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14He's ripped the inside of his...
0:19:14 > 0:19:16HE SIGHS
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Beth, did we ever find out if it was anus or rectum?!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21My money is on rectum.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Well, you get the Anusol for the you know what
0:19:25 > 0:19:27so I'd go the other way.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Were they checking your prostate, Mr Baird?- Colon.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I've had a colonic irrigation, Gordon.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33It was OK but I said to Colin,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"I've had more come out of me on a good bidet."
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I've had my prostate checked.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Have you? So have I.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43He actually quite enjoys stuff round there.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Okey dokey, folks!
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Oh! Hi, Gordon!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48QUIETLY: Welcome to the asylum.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50At last!
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Aw, at last, eh!
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Smell that, Eric, you'll take a bowl of that, eh?
0:19:54 > 0:19:55You should eat something, Eric.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Aye, right, OK.- Good man.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00You want to try sitting up for it?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Do you want to sit up for your soup, Eric?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Sit, Eric! Sit!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06OK, OK, I'll give it a go.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- Col, give him a hand. - Do you want me to help you, Dad?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Can I do anything?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15You just stay there, Gordon -
0:20:15 > 0:20:19did you see that thing on the television last night
0:20:19 > 0:20:23where the wee baby rhino got towed out the mud by the Jeep?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- ERIC GROANS - You all right?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Oh, oh, oh! Careful, Eric.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30No, no, no. Too much, too much.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- You sure?- Yeah, too sore.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I'm happy to hold the bowl if someone wants to spoon it into him.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I'm not getting spoon-fed soup, for God's sake!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40But you should eat something, Eric.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Aye, have something, Dad.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Oh!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Gordon, I'll do that.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47No, no. I don't mind.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I fed my grandma stewed apples the day before she died.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Ready, Mr Baird?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- I can do it, if you want. - No, no, I don't mind.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Neither of you need to do it.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58And, open wide, here comes a big one...
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Oh, good boy, Eric! Good boy!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Oh, here's the loaf, Christine!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Oh-ho, yes!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- There we go!- I'm all right. Thanks, Mum.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Lovely.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Cathy, soup?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I'm going to save myself for food
0:21:18 > 0:21:20that's been professionally cooked, Beth.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22But thanks.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27What do you reckon to it, Christine?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Mm.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31It's well salted.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Is that the jelly stock with the peel back lid, Beth?
0:21:36 > 0:21:37It is.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- Fresh parsley?- Yes.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Mm.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Well, I have to say...
0:21:47 > 0:21:50It's absolutely delicious.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Ten out of ten, Beth.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55ALL CHEER
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Oh, wait!
0:21:57 > 0:22:01A wee bit of potato there not cooked through properly.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Just the nine this time, Beth.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- HE SIGHS - What?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13You're joking.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- What is it, Col?- Message from Paul.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19"Sorry, we need to cancel tonight, Debbie's tired."
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- She's what? - Well, just says she's too tired.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27Too tired? How can anyone be too tired to go for a night out?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29What will I say?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Get him to give her a Red Bull. - Oh, Cath!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Oh, God, what we going to do now?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Well, we can't go. They booked it and it's for four people.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Well, can't he bring somebody else?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- He cannae leave her sitting in the house on her own.- Well, can't...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Beth?
0:22:44 > 0:22:45What?
0:22:45 > 0:22:50Would you and...Gordon like to come for a meal with us?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I'm actually quite enjoying my soup, Cath.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Aw, great,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58so I'm just supposed to sit here and watch him
0:22:58 > 0:23:00with his fat arse in the air
0:23:00 > 0:23:03and Christine dribbling soup all over the place.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Excuse me, I have not dribbled...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Aw, fuck, so I have.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Listen, don't feel you have to stay.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Hey, hey, hey! Listen, we're not going anywhere.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16That is the last, Colin. We are never speaking to them again.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17MESSAGE ALERT
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Oh, that's Paul saying, "What about next Saturday instead?"
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Yeah, that'd be all right, yeah, yeah.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25SHE SLURPS
0:23:27 > 0:23:28SHE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Oh.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Have you had enough? - Aye, that's enough.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34- Have you had enough, Eric?- Aye.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- Beth.- What is it?- Come here.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I think I need to...
0:23:43 > 0:23:45I think need to go to the loo.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Oh, right, do you want to just use that bottle again?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Go on, and I'll get them all to look away.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53No, no, no. I need to...
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Oh, right, right, up you get.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Right, come on. Take my arm.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- What's happening? - He needs the toilet.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04This is him gearing up for a shot at it now, Ian.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05ERIC GROANS
0:24:06 > 0:24:08OK?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Yeah, fine, fine. I'll manage.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Maybe someone should go and make sure he's OK?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I'll go, Mrs Baird.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33There we are.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Thanks, son.- Now, do you know where everything is,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39you've got your sink there, you've got your toilet paper, you've got...
0:24:39 > 0:24:40DOOR SLAMS
0:24:46 > 0:24:48HE SIGHS
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I wonder how he's doing in there.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58I tell you, this is make or break time, this.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Aw, poor Eric, all alone on that toilet,
0:25:01 > 0:25:03his little face all scrunched up.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Maybe we should go through and just check that he's all right?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- Do you think? - Aye, I think we should,
0:25:13 > 0:25:16we cannae let him down at this stage of the game, can we?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- What are you doing?- Has he been?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- Shh!- Are you listening to him pooing?
0:25:28 > 0:25:32No, Cathy, we're not. We're just making sure he's all right.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- Nothing's come yet. - Is he actually on the pan?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37He is, aye. I heard the seat creaking,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39so he's definitely sat down.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I think I heard something there.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46What did you hear? Was it plopping?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49No, just like a trickle of water or something.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51He could just be starting with a slash.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54OK, everyone, that's enough. Let's go back through, come on!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Let's leave him and give him a bit of dignity.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58PLOPPING Oh, what was that?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01MORE PLOPPING Oh, he's away now.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- PLOPS CONTINUE - That's him now, Beth.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08That's smashing! He's doing well.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Is that it?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Possibly.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19He might just be having a wee breather.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21ERIC GROANS
0:26:21 > 0:26:23No, that's him now.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25All right, Beth - quite happy?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Maybe that soup of yours did the trick.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29FLUSHING
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Well done, Eric, excellent work.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Well done, Mr Baird.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Good boy, Eric.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Have you been stood out here listening to me going to the loo?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42No, I was going through to the kitchen.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44ALL MUTTER
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Unbelievable.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Can I give you a hand, Mrs Baird?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56No, you're fine. Thanks, Gordon.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Let her do it, son, gives her something to do.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06What will we do for dinner then, Cath?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08I've had enough wine, I'll need to switch on to vodka.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- What you boys doing for your tea? - I don't know.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14- Maybe get a pizza?- A pizza!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Here, Cath, when was the last time we had a pizza?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Ah, are you phoning a pizza?
0:27:20 > 0:27:21That would save me making a dinner.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Cathy, did we not get a voucher for Domino's?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27In fact, you'll have had one!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Beth, can we use your voucher?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Beth!
0:27:31 > 0:27:32No!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34What is it? What's the matter?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36You are not ordering a pizza.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Aw, Eric...- No way! Forget it!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Would you prefer a Chinese or something?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45No, I don't want a Chinese! I don't want anything.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49I've been lying on that couch all day listening to you lot
0:27:49 > 0:27:53go on and on about cups of tea, glasses of wine, bowls of soup,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Christ, I couldn't even get five minutes sat on the pan
0:27:56 > 0:27:57without a bloody audience!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Well, no more!
0:27:59 > 0:28:00I've had it!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Thank you for your concern, but there's the door -
0:28:03 > 0:28:04you may bugger off
0:28:04 > 0:28:08and leave me and my dodgy backside in peace, OK?
0:28:08 > 0:28:09- SCREAMING:- Oh, God!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12- # Sit down - No, I can't sit down
0:28:12 > 0:28:14- # Sit down - No, no, I can't sit down
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- # Hey, girl, sit down - No, no, I can't sit down
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- BOTH:- # I just got a message and I can't sit down
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- # Sit down - No, no, I can't sit down
0:28:21 > 0:28:22# Sit down, hey, hey, sit down
0:28:22 > 0:28:24# Never, never, never, never will sit down
0:28:24 > 0:28:25# Go away, don't bother me
0:28:25 > 0:28:26# I can't sit down
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# I just got a message and I can't sit down
0:28:29 > 0:28:34- BOTH:- # I just got a message and I can't sit down
0:28:34 > 0:28:36# I just got a message and I can't sit down. #