0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09I wonder what's going on there. Beth! Come here and see this.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Oh, what's happened?
0:00:10 > 0:00:12I don't know.
0:00:12 > 0:00:13Don't let them see you.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Don't want to look like the nosey neighbours.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20- Right, that's them going, will we go down and see what's happening?- Yes.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Colin! What's going on?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Everything all right?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30We've been broken into.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Oh, no!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- Oh, you're joking.- I know.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Oh, you poor thing.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Have they taken much?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38The usual. Laptops, jewellery,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41it's the sentimental stuff that gets to you, though.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I know.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45That big fake Rolex I got in Thailand - just gone.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47It could have happened to any of us.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Aye, well, not really, though, Eric. I mean, they're not going to
0:00:51 > 0:00:55target your place, you know, they want stuff they can actually sell.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Uh.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Just shows you though, eh, you can have all the fancy alarms
0:00:59 > 0:01:02and security cameras you like, they're always going to find a way.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03How did they get in?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05I left the patio doors open.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Hi, Cathy.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Oh, Beth.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Oh, Cathy, I'm so sorry.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Oh, how are you feeling?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- I'm in shock, Beth.- Oh!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39If it wasn't for my Botox, it would really show.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Have you lost much?
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Mainly expression around my eyebrows.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45House stuff, Cath, stuff out the house, she means.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49They said we've to make a list but I'm finding it really difficult.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Well, you're upset.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55And I can't find a fucking pen! Oh, Beth, I'm devastated, I really am.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Oh, come here, you.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Look, the most important thing is that you're both OK.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Well, that's right, you're right, Eric.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I mean, I feel fine, actually.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07It was actually a good opportunity to get a word with the police there.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- Right.- Cos I said to them about those jonnie bags
0:02:10 > 0:02:12we found lying at the foot of the road - he said it was
0:02:12 > 0:02:15most likely as a result of someone getting pumped in the back of a car.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Well, well, look, let's just focus on getting you back to normal, shall we?
0:02:19 > 0:02:24- Exactly.- Yes, Eric, normal! Life will carry on as normal.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I refuse to be affected by this.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I refuse to live in fear because of what's happened to us.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30That's good.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32DOORBELL RINGS
0:02:32 > 0:02:33I'll get it.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- What did the police say, then? - Oh, they were excellent.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Really?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Within two minutes, they could tell me it was an opportunist,
0:02:45 > 0:02:49working alone, looking for high-value items to sell for drugs.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51God, that's amazing.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53And what are the chances of them catching him?
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Practically nil.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Oh, hi, Christine.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Hello, Beth.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Colin, I've just heard what happened.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I know. I mean, what can you say?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Oh, fucking scum!
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Christine!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14There was a bungalow on the other side got done last month.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- I never heard about that.- Oh, aye.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Came in in the middle of the night while they were asleep in their beds.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22That's why I always sleep with all my jewellery on.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23- Do you?- Oh, aye -
0:03:23 > 0:03:27when I come down in the morning for my breakfast, I'm like Mr T.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Oh, dear.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Did they take much?
0:03:30 > 0:03:34The usual - laptops, money, iPad.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Thank God it wasn't me -
0:03:35 > 0:03:38they would have been off with that wee toastie machine of mine.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I mean, it sits there in full view.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I-I still can't believe it.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45I think I'm still in shock.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Hot sweet tea, Cathy, that's what you want for shock.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Do you want me to go and make you a cup of tea, Cathy?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52No, thanks, Beth.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54I'd take one though, Beth.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55You're not in shock.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58No, but I was excited when I saw the police car.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I'll make you a tea, Christine,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02it'll be good to take my mind off things.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Oh, thanks, Cathy. God bless you.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Three sugars.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- What a shame.- I know, she's taken it bad.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13She has, aye.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Here, Beth, you go through and see if she's got any biscuits.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18CATHY SCREAMS
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- What is it?- They've been in the drawer.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26They've been in the cutlery drawer.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27How do you know?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I had Valiums in there beside the teaspoons and they've gone.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- Are you sure?- Yes.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I keep some in there, some in the living room,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35some in the bathroom, some in the hall cupboard,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38some in the vase on the landing and the rest in the car.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Just to help me reverse park.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Come on, we'll go back through to the living room and sit down.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46No, Colin, I can't be in this house!
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I mean, the thought of them being in here is making me - oh!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Come on, calm...
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I don't think we should stay here either, Beth?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Why not?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Well, if we're not getting a tea, there's no point.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Come on!
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Do you know that, if you get caught thieving in Saudi Arabia,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13you get your hands cut off?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Can you imagine that, Eric? - Aye, I know.
0:05:16 > 0:05:21That'd certainly put them off burgling and what have you.
0:05:21 > 0:05:27Mind you, stumps - no fingers - no fingerprints,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30might just make the whole thing a lot easier for them.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36How you feeling, Cathy?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40A bit better, I think that brandy's helped a bit.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41That's good.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42As I say, it's helped a bit.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Would you like another one?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Well, if you think I should.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I'll maybe take a wee one as well, Beth.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56The last thing Cathy's needing on top of all of this is to be drinking alone.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00- Colin?- No, no.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Och, aye.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Crime in this country is out of control.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Nobody's got any respect for each other nowadays.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16As I said before, fucking scum.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I would never stoop to stealing.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Nor me, Cathy, no matter how bad things got.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Yeah, you've got to keep your dignity.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I've always said, if it ever came to it,
0:06:27 > 0:06:31I would be a drug dealer before I would be a thief.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- Quite right.- I would not get nutted myself, though.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Or sell outside schools.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38During term time.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42I tell you what, they were lucky we were away cos, see,
0:06:42 > 0:06:43if I'd got my hands on them...
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Mmm, aye, I can just see the headlines in the paper now -
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Man Bores Burglars To Death.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Beth, you've not got a wee biscuit on the go, have you?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57It's worse if you're living on your own - I mean,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00that just doesnae bear thinking about.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Pat keeps a knife under her bed.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03In case she's broken into?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06It's really for buttering crackers but it could double up.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- If we were in America, we could have guns!- She's right.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13They're ten a penny there. They sell them in supermarkets.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Do they?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Jesus, can you imagine? I just popped in for a pint of milk
0:07:17 > 0:07:20and ended up buying a Kalashnikov as well.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- What's wrong with that?! - Oh, no, no, no.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26What, people having guns inside their own houses?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28No, that's a recipe for disaster, that!
0:07:28 > 0:07:32He's right. I mean, I cannae keep track of my remote control,
0:07:32 > 0:07:33never mind a fucking pistol.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37You'd have to use it responsibly, Eric.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40It would only be if someone attacked me that I would shoot them.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Or if they attacked Colin.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Or if they didn't attack either of us but were just being a cow -
0:07:47 > 0:07:50you know, just a little warning shot at their feet.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Ch, ch - BANG!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Hiya Mum!
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Hi, boys.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Hello, Mrs Baird, how are you?
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Don't ask.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59What's going on?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Cathy and Colin have been broken into.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Oh, no, what a shame.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04- Are they OK?- Fine.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Well, Cathy's a bit down about it, to be honest.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Bang-bang! Bang, bang, bang, ba...
0:08:14 > 0:08:15- Oh, hi, Gordon.- Hi.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- Hello, boys.- Hiya.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20I'm so sorry to hear about what happened, are you OK?
0:08:20 > 0:08:21I'm in shock.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29Oh, thanks, Gordon. I feel safe with you, honey.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30What happened?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32We were at the time-share -
0:08:32 > 0:08:34we have two weeks high season anywhere in Europe.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36It's the Platinum Plan, Gordon.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- I came through the door, put the cases down.- Samsonite, honey.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Went through the hall, into the living room and that's
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- when I knew something was up.- Aye?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47The place was a mess, Ian.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Not like in here, where it just needs a good tidy. I mean, a mess.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53There was stuff all emptied out the drawers,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55a DVD player pulled out the wall.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Important medicine removed from its hiding place!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59What an absolute nightmare.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Thank you, Gordon, that means a lot, honey.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Let me give you just a small kiss.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Have they got any idea who did it?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12I'll tell you who did it...
0:09:12 > 0:09:17All right, Christine, we know who did it. Fucking scum, thank you.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19The police have been, but, eh,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- they don't think there's much hope of catching them.- Pf!
0:09:21 > 0:09:25They're only interested in sitting in the comfort of their cars,
0:09:25 > 0:09:29with the speed gun in one hand and a bacon roll in the other.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Did anyone ever watch The Bill?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36So what have you two been up to?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- We've been in town getting suits. - Suits?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's Morven and Lynn's wedding.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- Is that the lesbians?- Mm-hm.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Oh, that's lovely.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I'm all in favour of the equal rights.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- I'm going to a wedding myself. - Are you?
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Aye, but a proper one, though. See, the trouble I'm having, trying
0:09:53 > 0:09:57to find something for round my neck to go with that dress I've got.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I'm sure I could find you something.
0:09:59 > 0:10:04Would you like to get married, Gordon, if they keep allowing it?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Erm...- So are we getting a look at them?
0:10:07 > 0:10:08- Oh, no.- Go on!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10No, I've got a photo on my phone I can show you.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Don't be so lazy and nasty, Ian, go and get them!
0:10:16 > 0:10:21Gordon, if you had the choice between prison
0:10:21 > 0:10:24and getting your hand cut off, what would you take?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Colin's got a lovely Hugo Boss one, Gordon.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37It's midnight navy with purple lining. It's really classy, in't it?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Oh, yeah. Every time he wears it, I just want to shag him.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Oh! Woo!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Right, let's get a look at them.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Oh, I like a man in a suit!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Makes them look distinguished.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Well, not Eric.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55He just looks like a probation officer.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Oh, yes. Very smart.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01See, that'll do you for funerals, too, as well as gay weddings.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Try them on!
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Oh, not just now, Cathy.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Come on, those off and that on!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10It's a bit like being on that Gok Wan show, in't it?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Oh, I love him!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Beth - Gok Wan, eh?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Yeah, I don't mind him. - Who's Gok Wan?
0:11:16 > 0:11:21Och, you know, with the big specs and the teeth. He does that programme
0:11:21 > 0:11:23where he gets folk to strip naked and then they burst into tears.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Dear God!
0:11:25 > 0:11:29He's no oil painting himself so he's ideal for it.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Oh! Put the trousers on!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Nah!- Not you.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Gordon, put the trousers on.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Come on, slip your jeans off.- No.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Jeans off! Jeans off! Jeans off!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42No, honestly, they're a bit long, anyway, the trousers.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Are they? Did you buy long trousers, Gordon?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46I can get them taken up.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Oh, don't be daft, I can do that for you.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50You don't need to, Mrs Baird.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Oh, it's fine. If you're putting them on, I'll just pin them up, get it done.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56There you go - your own personal seamstress.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Here, Beth - I've got a pair of cords that are needing let out.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03They're fine before I've had a meal, Gordon,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06but, see, once I've eaten, they just cut me in half.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Right, let's get you out of these, mister.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17You're not shy, are you? Oh, his legs are lovely and smooth.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Colin's are hairy, but he does clipper all around his ball area.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26It's an electric razor I use, Eric, it's...
0:12:26 > 0:12:29..it's... Well, it's actually quite a pleasant sensation.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Oh, they are lovely, aren't they, Col?
0:12:35 > 0:12:36They don't look that long.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38What shoes are you wearing, Gordon?
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Brogues.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Oh, I hate lacing shoes.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Half an inch off, Ian?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Eh, eh! Cathy, can you get out the way, please?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- Can I measure him, Beth? - Eh - you don't need to do that.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52She's just trying to help, she enjoys helping men.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Doesn't he look lovely, Eric?
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Oh, thanks.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Are you feeling a bit better now?
0:12:59 > 0:13:00I am, thank you, honey.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03It's good to have something to take my mind off things.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Aye, you'll be fine. Once you get the place tidied up and made
0:13:06 > 0:13:09to feel more like home again, you'll forget it ever happened.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12It is quite traumatic, when you think about it.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Someone coming into your home when you're not there.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18I mean, if it was me, there's no way I'd be able to go back and sleep there.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43That's lovely, Eric, thank you.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Cathy?- I don't think I could, Eric.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Actually, I can.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Oh! I enjoy a brandy.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59I like whisky, too.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04It's the clear spirits that you've got to watch.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05You drink vodka, though.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Aye, but only if it's mixed with orange, though.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- All right?- Aye, aye.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Did you bring me a towel?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I don't like Beth's wee thin ones.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16I brought you a towel.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18And socks - did you bring socks?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I don't like her cheap carpet on my bare feet.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21I brought socks.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- What's the matter? - Everything all right, Colin?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Well, there's been a bit of a development.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32What kind of a development?
0:14:34 > 0:14:35What is it?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Well, obviously, we know what they've taken from the house.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40But they've left some stuff as well.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- What?- Well, there's some stuff that they've left behind.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45What?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47It's like a wee deposit.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- They've not shat in your Jacuzzi, have they?- No.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52What is it, Col?! Tell me!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56They've performed a sexual act.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- What?- Eugh!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00What kind of sexual act?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03They have pleasured themselves.
0:15:04 > 0:15:10Oh! Oh, no! Where? Where have they done that?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- In the bedroom.- Oh, no!
0:15:12 > 0:15:16It's all right, Cathy - you can turn your mattress.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18No, it wasn't on the bed.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Where was it? Tell me.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24It was in your pant drawer.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Oh, no, I don't believe it.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Oh, no.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Oh, dear God.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Oh, yuck.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33That is so gross.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I mean, how would you even...?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37You just trousers down, up on the tiptoes...
0:15:37 > 0:15:38All right, Colin!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- I want everything out of that house now!- Eh?
0:15:41 > 0:15:46Every single pair of pants out of that drawer and into the bin!
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Cathy, no - that's a bit drastic.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51There is spunk all over my pants!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53What do you expect me to do?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Well, a boil wash and a wee bit of Vanish, no?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Oh, come here, you.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01No, get off me! Can you not just leave me alone?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05In fact, I want every single bit of clothing out of that house and in the bin!
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Cathy, no!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Come on, Cath! There's no need for that.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Now!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15OK, shall we make a start?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- It's a bit over the score, is it not?- Well...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I mean, she definitely wants everything out?
0:16:20 > 0:16:21You know what Cath's like.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Well, I mean, I could see the point if he'd been in other places,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26but the fact that it was only in that one drawer...
0:16:28 > 0:16:29You don't think...?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31We'd better check and see.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Oh, God.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04How is she?
0:17:06 > 0:17:07I've run her a bath
0:17:07 > 0:17:10and given her half a bottle of white to keep her going.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12That's good.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13It's terrible, isn't it?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Aye, aye.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Did I ever tell you about the time that Pat saw a man
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- masturbating into a bin in a railway station?- No.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28It was in Kilmarnock. She was on her way to see a swimming gala.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Christine! Can we just talk about something else?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Of course, Beth, of course.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45She also saw a woman stealing a roll of sellotape. Same trip!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Gordon, you're still sitting in your pants!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Oh, I don't mind.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Let's get these trousers sorted.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06You all right, Cathy?
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Yes, thanks.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11It's the first time I've ever had a bath here.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- Right.- It's so tiny.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- You feeling better?- I am, thank you.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Oh, Beth.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without you.
0:18:25 > 0:18:31You, and your little bath and your cheap dressing gown.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34You are a godsend, missus.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37FRONT DOOR OPENS
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I had a bath.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51To relax myself.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53You had a bath here?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- Yes.- In that wee...?- Yes!
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Cathy, are you sure you want to chuck all this?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00It does seem a terrible waste.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02The thought of having any of it near me...
0:19:02 > 0:19:04It's not been touched, Cathy.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- We have searched the entire place, haven't we, Eric?- Aye.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10And it's honestly only that one drawer he's had a go at.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Oh!
0:19:11 > 0:19:12I think it's probably been an impulse thing.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17You know, just when he's opened it and seen the pants, it's obviously just...
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Why don't we throw all the pants out and just wash everything else?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I'm not washing 20 bags of clothes, Colin!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Aye, but you canny just chuck away all your clothes.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- We could go to a laundrette. - A laundrette?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31A service wash - you pay someone to do it all for you
0:19:31 > 0:19:33so you don't have to do it all yourself.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37I've already had one stranger rummaging through my stuff, thank you!
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Well...well, what about if it's not a stranger?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42What do you mean?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Well, we could get someone we know to do it.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48You know, somebody you trust.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Somebody who you've seen hanging out the washing
0:19:53 > 0:19:56and would never say no to you at a time like this.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Everything on a 60, please, Beth.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09And none of the own-brand fabric conditioner.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I don't want to smell like the inside of a taxi!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24How you feeling now, Cathy?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Much better, thank you, Christine.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31I always find that a good soak calms me down as well.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Mm.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Good for softening up your toenails if they're due a clip, too.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I actually prefer a bath to a shower.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44And I'd never wash my hair in a bath.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49Water that you've used to wash your undercarriage then being
0:20:49 > 0:20:50used for over your head!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Oh, no! No, no, that's a no-no, Cath.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Right, let's take a look at these.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I want everything double double-checked
0:21:00 > 0:21:03and, if there's any sign of anything, it goes in the bin!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05That's fair enough.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Oh, there's your Puffa there, Cathy.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Oh, that's nice.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11I hope they haven't cum on that.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Seems all right.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Beth? Puffa jacket coming through.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Oh, do not tumble-dry it!
0:21:20 > 0:21:21What's in this one?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Oh!- What is it?
0:21:26 > 0:21:27It's your, er, bras.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30They've got a drawer to themselves.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- We'd better check them.- Oh, yes!
0:21:33 > 0:21:34It's frilly stuff, in't it?
0:21:34 > 0:21:39Mm-hm. That is just the kind of thing that would get his tail right up in the air.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Right, Ian, tip them out.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Oh, God!
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Ian.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52Eric, get your big middle light on so we can see what we've got here.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Oh!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- Nah, it's just a bit of fluff.- Oh!
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Here. Cathy, do you want these gel things taken out before you
0:22:12 > 0:22:13put them in the machine?
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Beth can sort all that.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20That purple one's my favourite, Ian - I always wear that
0:22:20 > 0:22:21if we're staying in a hotel.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Christ, how many bras does she need?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31I've only got my good Marks & Spencer one for going out
0:22:31 > 0:22:33and my old Cross Your Heart for round the house.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36PHONE RINGS
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Hi, Pat. I'm in at Beth's.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Oh, shitstorm!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Well, Gordon's trousers are too long
0:22:44 > 0:22:48and somebody's shot their load into Cathy's knicker drawer.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Unbelievable, Pat...
0:22:49 > 0:22:53I thought, when that phone went, it might have been the police ringing you.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56That's a point, actually - you've not told them about this, have you?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- Eh?- They know about the break-in, but they don't know about him going in the drawers.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Honest to God, Pat, I've been in and out Accessorise like a whore
0:23:03 > 0:23:06at a truckstop, and I still cannae find anything to go with it.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Well, they did say just to ring if there was anything else.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Well, go and tell them, Colin!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Ah, right, Pat. OK, then. Over and out.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I think the moths might have been at this one, Cathy.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Is there spunk on it or not?
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Hello, it's Colin Whyte here. You were out seeing us
0:23:29 > 0:23:31earlier in Latimer Crescent.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Aye, that's right, we were broken into.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38No, she...she's calmed down a bit. She...she's had a bath.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Erm, what it is is that
0:23:42 > 0:23:45whoever's done the break-in has also done something else.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Something a bit dirty.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51No, no, it's not a shite.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56They've, well - how can I put this? -
0:23:56 > 0:23:59they've wanked onto my wife's pants.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Oh, here she is! It's like sale week at Oxfam here,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08and you're farting about in that kitchen.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Excuse me, Christine, it's a Chinese laundry in there!
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Beth, plenty of those little sheets in with the tumble-dryer,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18please, so nothing smells of your house.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Oh, Gordon, I forgot your trousers!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Oh, it's fine, don't you worry about that!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I was just going to stick my jeans back on, if that's OK.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28- No!- Eh?
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Stay in bare legs!
0:24:29 > 0:24:33You stay in bare legs until your trousers are ready!
0:24:33 > 0:24:34What's this stuff here, Cathy?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Uh! Let me see.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Och, it's just bags and belts. It'll be fine, Cathy.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Oh, God!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Oh, oh, I remember this.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Oh, I've not worn that for ages.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I bought that in Crete, Gordon.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Oh, I love Greece, me.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56No, CRETE, Gordon!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Let's have a wee look at it, Cathy.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01That's lovely.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Yeah, that's nice in't it, Beth?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Yeah, very nice.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- Oh, that suits you, Christine. - Do you think?
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Mm-hm. It's just a wee cheap thing from a little guy in the market.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18I think that would go with that dress I've got for this wedding.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19What do you think, Beth?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Er, yeah. Very nice.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Have it.- Eh?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- Take it.- Are you sure?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30In fact, there's a bag to go with it as well.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Are you sure, Cathy?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Take them both.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Christine, I would like you to have them.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Thanks very much.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Oh, give the inside of that a wipe, though.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I'm sure I brought half a kebab home in it the last time I used it.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47So, what did they say?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Well, he's taken all the details,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52and I've given him as much information as I could.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Is that it?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Well...
0:25:56 > 0:25:57..there was one other thing.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59What was that?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02He said, obviously, it could be a random attacker who just
0:26:02 > 0:26:05seized the opportunity to have a...
0:26:05 > 0:26:06All right, Colin!
0:26:06 > 0:26:10However, very often, in cases such as this,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- it can actually be someone you know that's done it.- Eh?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- That's what he said. - Och, that's ridiculous!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Well, he's asked me to make a list of anybody
0:26:18 > 0:26:21that we know that had knowledge of our whereabouts,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24would have known that we were away and the place was empty.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Who's familiar with where stuff is in the house.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Anyone who might be a bit of an oddball,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35or seems as though they could potentially have
0:26:35 > 0:26:37a sexually...deviant streak.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45What?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51DOG BARKS
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- You all right, Cathy?- Oh, I'm fine. I've just got some Bacardi...
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Shh!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10..in a mug for during the night.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Shh! Right, anything else you need?
0:27:13 > 0:27:14No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- Colin's going to pop round... - Shh, Shh!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18..with my dressing gown.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22OK? This one's OK, but I just don't like it.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Right. Well, goodnight, Cath.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Night-night.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Oh, Beth. I'm sorry for accusing Eric of...
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Don't worry about it.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- I know he'd never do anything like it.- Honestly...
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I know he's not tall enough to reach,
0:27:38 > 0:27:39so there's no way he could get his...
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Let's just try and forget about it, OK?
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Oh, f...!
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# Well, come on, baby Cos I wanna do
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# That washing machine boogie with you
0:28:00 > 0:28:02# Hear that washer slapping 'em clean
0:28:02 > 0:28:04# I love the sound of your washing machine
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# Slip-slap, slap-sloo
0:28:07 > 0:28:08# Come on, honey, and I wanna do
0:28:09 > 0:28:11# The washing machine boogie with you
0:28:14 > 0:28:16# Slip-slap, slap-sloo
0:28:16 > 0:28:19# Come on, honey, and I wanna do
0:28:19 > 0:28:21# The washing machine boogie with you. #