0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- DOORBELL RINGS - Beth, that's Ian and Gordon!
0:00:12 > 0:00:13- Hello, Eric.- Christine.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Ooh, hi, Christine.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Beth, this came to me by mistake.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22- Private and confidential.- Ooh.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Terrible rate you're getting in these ISAs nowadays, isn't it?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Well, that's very kind of you, Christine, but we're...
0:00:29 > 0:00:31- Off out, are we? - Just for a bite to eat.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Aw, that's nice. What's the occasion?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- Nothing.- Beth's birthday.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Well, it was her birthday during the week,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43so Ian and Gordon offered to take us to dinner.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48Oh, that's lovely. That is nice, eh?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Oh, happy birthday, Beth.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Sorry I missed it. What day was it?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- It was Tuesday.- Oh, Tuesday.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00No, I was away in town handing in my sample that day.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- CAR HORN HONKS - Well, that's them now, so...
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- Where is it you're going? - Oh, it's nothing fancy.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11- It's just like a pub that does food. - Oh, I like a pub that does food.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- Yeah, very informal. - That's the best way, Beth.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Very flexible, too.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- Sorry?- Well, not like a restaurant where, say,
0:01:19 > 0:01:22you booked for four and then five of you turn up.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Then there's a problem!
0:01:24 > 0:01:28No, these places are much more accommodating, aren't they?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31CAR HORN HONKS
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Would you like to...?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I'll just get my coat. Thanks, Eric.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- ON RADIO:- # Lead me
0:01:55 > 0:01:58# Out on the moonlit floor... #
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Ah, this is a real treat for me, Gordon,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05being driven in for my dinner.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I must thank you for organising it.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Well, it's for Mrs Baird, really, isn't it?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14This a regular haunt of yours, then, is it?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Erm, we've been twice. No, er, three times.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18No, no...
0:02:20 > 0:02:23..twice. Last time, it were two courses for £7.95!
0:02:23 > 0:02:28- Oh, that's good, isn't it, Beth?- Ooh, yeah.- Mm.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31A lot cheaper than buying a present.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33You didn't really need to bother, though, Gordon.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I could have just as easily cooked us something at home.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37No, not on your birthday!
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Well, her birthday was Tuesday, Gordon,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44so she's right - she could have cooked.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46And she'd have done us three courses
0:02:46 > 0:02:49and it wouldnae have cost you a fucking penny.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53- HE WHISPERS:- Dad?- Mm-hm.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55You haven't got Mum a cake, have you?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- Cake? No.- Right.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03We could stop at the garage and get a swiss roll.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- No, no, I was just checking. - Or there's Costa's.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08We can go in there and get her one of those big Jaffa Cakes.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11No, no, it's fine, it's fine. Forget it.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Have you booked a table? - No, you just sit where you like.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- You order at the bar, don't you? - What's he saying?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25It's not waitress service.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27What do you mean it's not waitress service?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Well, you sit down, the tables have got a number,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31you take that number up to the bar and order your food.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Christ, have I to put my hair in a net and go into the kitchen
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- and cook it for them, as well? - Where do yous want to sit?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40It's your birthday, Mrs Baird. You decide.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42What about there?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- No.- Eh?- I'm not sitting at the back.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- Why?- I want to see what folk have got on their plates.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Oh, for God's sake!
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- Well, what about that one there? - Ah, that's fine.- No.- Eh?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Next to the fruit machine, Beth?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- So...? - You're no' wanting that, Beth.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Men standing next to you rummaging aboot in their pockets for change.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08- Mum, you decide. It's your birthday. - Well, not today itself, it's not.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Well, we're out for your birthday. Where do you want to sit?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Look, I really don't mind.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Right, that's good. Come on, we'll sit over here.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16This'll do us fine.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Oh, thank you.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Oh-ho! Big menu, eh?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28It's absolutely terrific, Mr Baird. I don't know where to start.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33- Erm, which ones are on the deal? - Oh, just them three there.- Ah.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Would you like me to hang that up for you, Mrs Baird?- Oh, thank you.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- Pleasure.- Empty the pockets, Beth. There might be junkies in.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Do you know, I think this is the place that Pat came to.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Right.- She had the gammon steak.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- Oh, did she? - Great big slab of a thing.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- Lovely.- Two fried eggs on the top,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59but still you had the fat peeking out the side.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- What are you fancying?- I might just get the nachos or something.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Oh, what are you having, Gordon? What's he having?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07He's thinking about nachos.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Oh, lovely, Gordon. - Oh, I've seen them.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13It's like somebody's ripped up a cardboard box
0:05:13 > 0:05:15and grated some cheese on it.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- I quite fancy a burger. - Are you having a starter?
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Nah, I might have a pudding instead.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24- Can you do that?- Well, I presume so. It just says, "Two courses - £7.95."
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Some of the starters are practically the same size as main courses!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Can you do that, Beth? Any two courses?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I don't know. It'll say somewhere on the menu.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Whereabouts on the menu? - I don't know!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Oh, wait till I get my specs on.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Aw, isn't this lovely?
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Are you going to have a starter?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Well, I quite fancy the breaded mushrooms.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- Instead of a pudding? - Well, maybe as well as.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- So, you're having three courses? - Oh, can you do that?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Give me a fucking chance, will you?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Oh, here it is here.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59There it is. See?
0:05:59 > 0:06:04"Any two courses on the meal deal menu - £7.95."
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Where's the meal deal section?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08What does it say about three courses, though?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Oh, don't confuse me.- I think, if you're looking for three courses,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- you're on to the main menu.- Ah.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Do you really think you need three courses, Eric?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Oh, here it is. Here it is. There we are.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24"Any three courses, £9.50."
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Oh, I apologise, Mr Baird. There you go.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Well, I'm just going to have a main and a pudding.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Well, if nobody else is having a starter, I won't either.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- Oh-ho-ho, Beth - they've got sticky toffee!- Mm.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Do you want me to phone Pat and see what size it is?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- OK, are we ready to order, then? - I think so, yeah.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- I am.- Oh, yes, indeedy.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Right, tell me what you want and I'll go up to the bar and get it. - I'll have the nachos.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49No, the veggie burger.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51No, the nachos. No, wait...
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- Mum, what do you want? - I'll just have the fish, son.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Battered haddock for me, Ian.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- Me, too. I'll have the fish, please. - Aw, look. Two twins, eh?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Me and you - both haddocks. The haddock girls.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- I'll go for that, as well. - Trust you.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08OK, OK, OK, I'm going to have
0:07:08 > 0:07:11the sweetcorn fritters with mango salsa.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- Where's that?!- Down there.- Ah.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Oh, that sounds fucking horrible, son.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Eh, you stay where you are. I'll get this.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- No, no, this is our treat. - Don't be daft.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24No, we wanted to get it. It was supposed to be our treat.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Away.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Right, well, that's that sorted, thank goodness.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Oh, er, sorry, just one last thing - what does everybody want to drink?
0:07:33 > 0:07:34- Oh. - SHE SIGHS
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Two seconds, honey.- Ah, right.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Colin!
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Oh, look who it is, eh?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- How are you doing? - Hey!- Oh, bring it in.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- Bring it on in, Eric.- Oh!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55HE CHUCKLES This is my neighbour.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- This is my neighbour. - What you up to?
0:07:57 > 0:08:01- I'm just having a drink. - Ah, right. Where's Cathy?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Cathy's no' here. She's away.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- Where to?- A spa.- Oh, right. - Aye, she got a Groupon for a night
0:08:07 > 0:08:10in one of they health farm places in Perthshire.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Oh, that sounds lovely. Aye, she'll enjoy that.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Aye, she will. She got a room on the ground floor
0:08:15 > 0:08:18so she can climb out the window for a smoke.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22This is my neighbour. What you doing here, anyway?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Oh, it's Beth's birthday. We're in having a meal.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- Away!- Aye. Well, it was during the week, actually.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30What, you were in during the week, as well?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32No, no, no, it was her birthday during the week.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Ah. So, how come you're in today?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Right, what are we having? - Can I order some food?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Course you can. - Colin, do you want...?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Hello there!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- Oh, hi, Colin.- Oh, Christine!
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Didnae recognise you there
0:08:49 > 0:08:52without your broomstick and the flying monkeys.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56And there's Ian with his...with his pal there.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Hello there.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02It's good to see you in a mainstream venue.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05So, what's the special occasion?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Mrs Baird's birthday.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Was. It was her birthday on Tuesday.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Oh, it's your birthday, Beth?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- I'm sorry. I didnae know. - That's fine.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Oh, here, I'll give you a wee squeeze, eh?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- No, no, honestly. - Aw, come on. Up you get.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Let's get you hugged, eh?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Oops!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Sorry, no offence. It's no' what it seems.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27You're all right.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Just because Cathy's away doesn't mean I'm firing into Beth.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Couldnae anyway, no' unless I was really pished.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41- Where is Cathy? - She's away at the spa.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45- Oh.- Ah, lovely. - Aye, I was just telling Eric,
0:09:45 > 0:09:50she got one of they vouchers for this big, fancy place up in Perth.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55You want to see it. I mean, it's got steam rooms, Jacuzzis.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00You know, and a big room filled with oxygen,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02so it can clean out your blood.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Oh, that sounds amazing. So a proper detox.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Aye, well, you know, she's been drinking every night,
0:10:06 > 0:10:10so, you know, she gets the benefit of it, you know.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13So, you're left on your own, then, are you?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Aye, but, you know, I don't mind it, though, Ian.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18You know, give me a bit of time to myself.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23You know, do a few bits and bobs, catch up with a few of my pals.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- So, what you been up to, then? - Just been sitting in here.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29- Sorry to interrupt yous.- Whoa!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Did yous order three fish? - Yes, we did,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36and I hope your chef has got his oil up to temperature
0:10:36 > 0:10:39because I am not in the mood for soggy batter, hen.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Nah, nah, what it is is we've only got two left.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- You what?! - We've only got two fish left.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Have you still got the corn fritters, though?
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- Oh, aye, plenty of them. - Well, it is your birthday, Beth,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- so you've got to have one. - Hear, hear!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55And I'm fucking sure I'm having the other one.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Right. Well, let's see the menu over again?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Hang on, hang on. How big are they, the fish?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02They're quite big, aye. A lot of folk don't finish them.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05My friend struggled with one of your gammon steaks.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- Right.- She eventually took it home in her handbag.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Why don't we take the two and I'll just split them up
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- and share them about?- What? - Oh, that's a brilliant idea.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Let's just do that. Bring us an extra plate and I'll sort it out.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- What, you just want a plate on its own?- Yes. Is that all right?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Well, aye, I suppose.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Wait a minute. If he's having some of ours and a pudding,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- what does he get charged for that? - What pudding are you having?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- I'm not sure yet.- Oh, they've got sticky toffee, Eric.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- What size is your sticky toffee? - Christine!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38He's already paid for a fish and a pudding.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- So...?- So, he's not getting what he paid for.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Aye, but he's getting a plate.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44She'll get a fucking punch in the jaw.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Let's do that, then. Just get us an extra plate, thanks.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53- Anyway, happy birthday! - Exactly. Happy birthday!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56She better no' be away in there spitting in our meals, Beth.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- Let's do a toast.- No, no! - Ah, come on, come on.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Oh, wait, I've no' got a drink.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Where's my drink?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10He is absolutely hammered.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13They shouldnae still be serving him.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15See, that's what happens, though.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Folk just make a pig of themselves as soon as there's cheap drink.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Oh, you're quite right, Christine.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28That's a good, big glass for £1.50, isn't it?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Listen, he's all right. He's no' doing any harm.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35# Happy birthday to you... #
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Shh! Shh!
0:12:37 > 0:12:38# Happy birthday... #
0:12:38 > 0:12:42- Colin!- All right, all right.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47- We'll sing Happy Birthday later, OK? - OK, OK, fair enough. I'll just...
0:12:47 > 0:12:52I'll just maybe have a wee trip to the wee boys' room, eh?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Here, Christine,
0:12:54 > 0:12:59you're not going to be the only one about to enjoy a single fish.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02HE LAUGHS
0:13:04 > 0:13:08That is a disgraceful state to get yourself into.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Well, no wonder, if he's been sitting in here since lunchtime.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Bad things can happen when you get into that sort of state.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Last time I drank during the day,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19I ended up ordering garden furniture online.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Eric, erm, do you not think you should go in there
0:13:24 > 0:13:26and see if he wants you to put him into a taxi?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- Och, away!- Go on, Eric. - He's not THAT bad.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- He's fucking blootered, Eric. - Go on.- Och!
0:13:36 > 0:13:39You know the worst thing, Beth?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42He has invited himself into your company
0:13:42 > 0:13:46without an ounce of shame.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Unbelievable.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54DOOR OPENS
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Hey!
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- You all right, Colin?- Aye, there's just a lot to come out.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Aye. Are you no' thinking about maybe getting up the road, eh?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Oh, Eric, Eric.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Eric, Eric.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14How often do we get the chance to get a drink, just the two of us?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Aye, but it's Beth's birthday, so...
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Aye, all right. Get her a pint, as well.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Eric, Eric...
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- You're a real pal, Eric.- Right.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- I'm going to text Cath.- Now, Colin?
0:14:31 > 0:14:35I'm going to text Cath and tell her that I'm in the loo
0:14:35 > 0:14:38having a pish with my old pal Eric!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40No, no, no. Just let her enjoy her time at the spa, eh?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Look, come on. We'll go downstairs and I'll get you a taxi, eh?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45All right, all right.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Here...
0:14:48 > 0:14:52..am I being a wee bit too much, am I?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- No, no.- Cos you can tell me if I am.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Am I, Eric? Am I being a bit OTT?
0:14:58 > 0:14:59A wee bit.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Right, OK. That's fine. Fair enough.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Let's go. Let's go right now.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Hey! This is my neighbour!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13# Neighbour... #
0:15:14 > 0:15:18There we go. Oh, and, Mum, we've also got you a wee something.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23- Ooh, what is it?- Aw, that's nice. A wee surprise for you, Beth.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- Saved yourself the price of a stamp there, boys, eh?- Aw.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- What does it say? - "To the best mum in the world."
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- It was the only one they had left, so...- Cheeky wee shite.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Oh, what's this?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Oh, that's a wee voucher for you for that place you get your hair done.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40They've got a wee beauty therapy bit now.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- Oh, thank you.- It looks lovely.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Our friend Morven had reflexology there.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- She had what?- Reflexology. You get it on your feet.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Oh, is that with the wee fishes?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- What?- Aye, you know - the wee fishes in the tank
0:15:52 > 0:15:53that you put your feet into
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and they nibble all the dead skin off your toes.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- Oh, I don't know.- Oh, I had that.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Aye. The guy said that they were full up for a fortnight after it.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Hey!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Ah.- Christ, here's wee Tufty back.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15- Colin.- Beth, Beth, a little birdie told me it was your birthday.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- Colin!- Happy birthday, missus.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Come here till I wish you a happy birthday.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22You've already given her a kiss.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24He's already given her a kiss, Gordon.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Come on, Beth. I washed my hands.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Colin, I'll ask Ian to phone you a taxi, OK?- Eh?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I think Cathy would prefer it if you went up the road.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- Aye.- No, she's at a spa.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Cathy's at a spa, Gordon. - Ignore him, Gordon.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Ian, just call.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Gordon, Gordon, you'll like this.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48You know, there was a guy in there earlier having a slash
0:16:48 > 0:16:50with his trousers round his ankles.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54You saw the lot.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Right, I've got a haddock. - Whoo! There she is,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- with the fishes and the dishes. Whoo! Whoo!- Haddock!
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Here!
0:17:01 > 0:17:06Oh, look at that! Fucking yes, Beth!
0:17:06 > 0:17:07- Another haddock?- Erm...
0:17:07 > 0:17:10It's her birthday. Well, was.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- HE SLURS:- Ian, you...you all right? You all right, aye?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Yous having anything?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Sweetcorn fritters. - They're just bringing them.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Right, OK. Right, apologies. Nae bother.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- Just start.- I'm waiting on my tartare sauce.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Where are the sauces, Beth?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29We'll ask the waitress when she comes back.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- Right, I've got a burger. - That's mine.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- Excuse me?- And sweetcorn fritters. - That's me.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- Excuse me?- Two seconds. Whose is the extra plate, again?
0:17:38 > 0:17:39That's me.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Whoa, whoa, whoa, there's nothing on that!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- That's what he asked for.- Excuse me?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45I mean, I know he's on a diet, but come on!
0:17:45 > 0:17:46It's all right, Colin. It's all right.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49We're sharing. They're sharing their fish with him.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Excuse me?- Oh, right. I thought he got an empty plate!
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Beth, I thought... I thought he'd been given an empty plate.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Look, I'm sorry.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01I'm sorry, darling. Just give us a hug, eh?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- No, no, no.- Colin, no!- Excuse me!
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- Yes?- Do you have any tartare sauce?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- Yep. Anything else? - Erm, tomato sauce, please.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- OK. Anything else?- Vinegar, please.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Anything else?- Is it sachets?- Aye.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Aw, well, fuck it, just bring us two of everything, then.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Right, give us your plate over, Eric.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Here, Eric, you can have some of these chips.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Some of these massive ones are quite hard in the middle,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- so you can have them.- Here you go.
0:18:30 > 0:18:36Oh, you should have given him the wee curly bit at the end, Beth.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39There's bugger all fish in that, Gordon. It's just pure batter.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44- That all right for you? - Mm, looks good. Yours?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- Oh, yeah, it looks nice. - Let's have a wee look, Gordon.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Let's see what you got.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Aw, see, that's the thing about being vegetarian -
0:18:52 > 0:18:56you always end up with the shitest thing on the menu, don't you?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Oh, here's my friend again.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Here, see when you...
0:19:02 > 0:19:05See when you brought that plate over,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07I thought that was supposed to be his meal
0:19:07 > 0:19:10and you forgot to put food on it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Oh, right, there we are. Oh, that's it.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Right.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- Oh, bastard! Have you got yours, Ian?- No.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Fucking nuisance, these things, aren't they?
0:19:31 > 0:19:36Oh, there we are! That's it now. That's it.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39That's it.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Mm. Do you know, I remember the days
0:19:45 > 0:19:48when this would have been a luxury - going out for a meal.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Special occasions only.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- Well, it's Beth's birthday. - Ah, well, was.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56See when I was your age,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58we never went out for something to eat.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01No, we always got fed in the house.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Aye, and once in a blue moon, you'd get a chippy.- Aye.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Oh, and you had the same every week, eh?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09You had mince on a Monday,
0:20:09 > 0:20:14and your cottage pie on a Tuesday to use up the mince from the Monday.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17SHE CHUCKLES Stewing steak on a Wednesday,
0:20:17 > 0:20:21pork chop on a Thursday and then your fish,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24done in a crumb, fried with an egg, on a Friday.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Oh, nothing wrong with that, eh?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Good Scottish diet.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32My mother made that every week
0:20:32 > 0:20:34till she had those heart attacks.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39I remember my mother used to cook lamb every Sunday.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- I loved it.- Ooh, lamb.
0:20:42 > 0:20:49Do you know that lamb comes from an actual lamb, Gordon?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51We always had chicken on a Sunday
0:20:51 > 0:20:53and then, on the Monday, we'd have soup.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58Oh, yes, that's your proper way to make stock, you know -
0:20:58 > 0:21:00boil up the carcass of the bird.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05- Christine, Gordon's vegetarian. - Oh. Oh, sorry, son. Sorry.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I meant skeleton.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11I tell you, I'm glad that I ran into you today.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I really am.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15It's actually made my day.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Aw.- No, it has.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I'm actually feeling quite emotional about it
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- just thinking about it, you know?- Aw, that's nice.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Any word on that taxi, Ian?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I mean, you're my neighbours, you know,
0:21:28 > 0:21:33but see just sitting here, you know, watching you eating your chips,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35it's made me realise that you're...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38..you're actually my friends, as well.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- Aw!- Phone it again, son.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- # Happy birthday to you... # - Oh, for God...- Shh!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Colin! Shh! Shh! Shh! - # Happy birthday to... #
0:21:47 > 0:21:49What is it? What is it? It's Beth's birthday!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I just want to wish her a happy birthday, right?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Yeah, not just now. We'll do it later, eh?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59I'm sending Cathy a text.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Have you got enough?- Aye, I'm fine.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Have a few more. - Did you guys order a taxi?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- ALL:- Yes!- Colin, that's your taxi.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11- Mm?- Colin.- What?- That's your taxi.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Oh, right.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Come on, I'll see you in to it.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I need to get something out the car, anyway.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- PHONE BEEPS - Wait. She's text me back.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Let's see. What's that, Gordon?
0:22:23 > 0:22:27I cannae see what that is. Is that a picture of a flag?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- What is it?- She's sent me a flag.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32He asked her what treatment she'd had done at the spa
0:22:32 > 0:22:34and she's just sent him a picture of a Brazil flag.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Oh, right. Come on, Colin. Let's go.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39OK, OK.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- Bye, Colin.- Bye, Beth.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48Beth, Beth... Happy birthday, Beth.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- Thank you.- I'm very sorry I didn't get you anything.
0:22:51 > 0:22:56- Och, don't worry.- Beth, Beth...
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- Colin, come on! - All right, all right.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Christine...
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- Right, let's go.- Come on.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10HE EXHALES
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Two minutes, my friend.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19OK, well, that's us, then.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- Here, give us a hug, Gordon. - Aw, you're all right.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Just hope people don't think we're a couple.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32- No.- I mean, you look it, but I don't.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33- Nae offence.- That's fine.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Do you think you can tell? - Tell what?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41If someone's, you know...
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- What is it you're meant to say?- Gay?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- Aye, or bent or whatever. - Well, I can.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You see, I can't.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56You know, well, I can sometimes tell lesbians,
0:23:56 > 0:24:00but see guys? You know, it could be anybody.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Do you know, there was a guy once
0:24:03 > 0:24:06who gave me the eye in Starbucks, Gordon?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- Really?- Mm-hm. He was...
0:24:08 > 0:24:10He was standing next to the marshmallows
0:24:10 > 0:24:13and he just looked at me.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15No. Looked at you how?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17It was like this. You know, it was like...
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- What is going on? - Erm, Colin's just telling me
0:24:24 > 0:24:26about the guy who were coming on to him in Starbucks.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- Oh, right.- He looked at me like this, Ian.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Right, well, erm, we should just go in.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- What's that? - Erm, it's a cake for my mum.
0:24:39 > 0:24:44Away! Oh, come on, I cannae miss that.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Two minutes, my friend! Two minutes!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Do yous want the menus back to look at the desserts?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- Oh, I'm not really that... - I'm wanting a sticky toffee pudding
0:24:57 > 0:24:59with one of your lattes in a big glass
0:24:59 > 0:25:01with two bits of tablet on the side, hen.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I'll just leave these here.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10- Hey-hey!- Oh. - Aw, you're fucking joking!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- I thought you were... - I couldn't leave without singing
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Happy Birthday!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- Oh, no.- Aw, look at that!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Hey, you kept that quiet, eh?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Aw, that's nice. A birthday cake, eh?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Oh, and look - Tesco's Finest.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30You've certainly been getting the five-star treatment today, Beth.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33You know, I feel bad I havnae got you anything, honestly.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Don't worry, we got her something. - Did you?
0:25:36 > 0:25:40I'm a last-minute invitation, so I havnae had a chance.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Oh, the boys got me a voucher for a treatment.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45PHONE BEEPS
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Oh, it's Cathy. Aw, she's sent me a photo.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Why don't we get this out of the box and sing Happy Birthday
0:25:52 > 0:25:54so Colin can get on his way?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Aw, that's nice, Beth.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You've certainly got a lot to choose from there, you know.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- Oh, thanks, boys.- Pleasure.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06You could always get one of these done, Beth.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- What's that?- Look at that.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- Is that...?- It's Cathy's, aye. - What is it?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Aw, for God's sake!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Sorry, Eric. I can't show you.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- Fair enough.- It's private.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30It's Cathy's chuff.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34OK, are we ready? Shall we do this?
0:26:38 > 0:26:43ALL: # Happy birthday to you
0:26:43 > 0:26:47# Happy birthday to you... #
0:26:47 > 0:26:48At last!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# Happy birthday dear
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- # Mrs Baird - Beth
0:26:53 > 0:26:58# Happy birthday to you. #
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Come on, everybody! Hip hip!- ALL: Hooray!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- Hip hip!- Hooray!- Hip hip!- Hooray!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Jeez!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10SHE SNIGGERS
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Are yous all right? Is he all right?
0:27:11 > 0:27:15- Aye, aye, he's fine. - He's all right.- Sorry.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Aw, what a shame. Is that your birthday cake, as well?
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Don't worry.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- Whose birthday is it?- Mine.- Aw.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Well, was.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29# Happy birthday to you
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# Happy birthday to you
0:27:37 > 0:27:38# Get your finger out of it
0:27:38 > 0:27:42# It don't belong to you
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# Get your finger out of it
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# It don't belong to you
0:27:47 > 0:27:52# I wouldn't give you a piece even if it's your birthday, too. #