0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- Oh, whoa, whoa! Oh, ya! Jeez! - DOOR CLOSES
0:00:06 > 0:00:09There he goes, he's not wasting any time.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11"Pssssss.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14"Pssssssss!"
0:00:14 > 0:00:15Right, Cath, come on, in you go.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17CATHY CHUCKLES
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Well, that was good fun.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Aye, but what about that crowd in the corner?
0:00:25 > 0:00:27I mean, it's a pub quiz, for God's sake,
0:00:27 > 0:00:28not the bloody final of Mastermind.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Look, we raised a bit of money.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Exactly, we raised a bit of money, we did a bit for charity,
0:00:34 > 0:00:35who cares who won?!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38£75 in Debenhams vouchers they walked away with.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40You're fucking joking!
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Eric, I'm just saying, that mob in the corner.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Aye, who were they?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46I think a couple of them were teachers.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Ah, well, they may be brainy but they were very flat-chested.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Right - who's for coffee and who's for tea?
0:00:52 > 0:00:53- Coffee.- Tea.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Large vodka tonic.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58MUSIC: S.O.B by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats
0:01:11 > 0:01:14DOG BARKS
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- Oh, thanks, hen.- Thanks.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Aye, it's right enough - a male fox is a dog.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22- Mm-hm.- Told you!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Unbelievable!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- And what did we put?- A bull.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29How have I gone through life no' knowing that!
0:01:29 > 0:01:30A male fox is a dog
0:01:32 > 0:01:34and a female fox is a....
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Vixen.- How do you know that, Beth?
0:01:37 > 0:01:41- I just do.- You knew tonnes of the nature ones.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42What was that other one she knew?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Joey, joey!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46A baby kangaroo is a joey.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Aw, remember Joey from Friends?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I would still actually shag him, Beth.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54How do you know all that, Beth?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I do actually have a brain, you know.
0:01:56 > 0:02:02I haven't spent my entire life in here making tea and washing clothes.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Tell them!- No.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- What?- Tell them.- Tell us what?
0:02:10 > 0:02:15When I was younger, I was going to train to be a vet's nurse.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Oh, I thought it was going to be something interesting.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18And why did you not do it?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I don't know, I just ended up getting a job,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- and getting married... - Oh, aye, it's my fault!
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Oh, my God, Colin, can you imagine Beth helping the farmer
0:02:27 > 0:02:30pull the wee calf out of the cow's bottom?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32You could still go to college and do it, Beth.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Oh, no, no. - No, she's too old, Colin.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Mature student!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Pound a pint, Beth.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Look, it was a long time ago,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43and I'm not about to start any training for a job now.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Quite right, Beth, it's easier just to do nothing.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I tell you what,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I'm a wee bit peckish.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Oh, do you want a biscuit?
0:02:55 > 0:02:56No, no, no, no' a biscuit.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I'm not hungry, Beth, I'm just enjoying drinking.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01We should've stopped off for something on the way home.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Aye, you're right enough, Eric. Bag of chips, eh?
0:03:04 > 0:03:09- Oh, aye.- Oooh, big, fat salty chips, Eric, hmm?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12And a glass of beautiful wine.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13What do you take with yours, Eric?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Usually a battered sausage.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17He's such a greedy bastard, Beth.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- Anyway...- Shame we never thought.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Here, I'll tell you what's even better than chippy chips.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26What?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Home-made chips.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Oh, Beth!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- No.- Come on, Beth.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Home-made chips done in the pan. - Ooooh.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Forget it!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Home-made chips, served with salt and vinegar,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41and a big skoosh of tomato sauce.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45No. No way! I am not making chips at this time of night.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Eric, tell them.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Eric?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52RADIO PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
0:03:52 > 0:03:54KNOCK ON DOOR
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- Oh, hullo, Beth, you're in. - Christine, you all right?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Fine. Well, I'm fine.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Pat's not.- What's wrong?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- She got attacked by a dog. - Oh, my God.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- Her dog, friendly fire. - What happened?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15She was just reaching into her fridge to get a bit
0:04:15 > 0:04:18of that smoked ham to tide her over till her dinner
0:04:18 > 0:04:21and, next thing she knew, it had sunk its teeth
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- into the back of her legs. - Oh, that's terrible.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Well, she will buy that dear ham, Beth.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Come in, you'd better come in.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36I'll not stop long, Beth.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I'm just on my way up to the hospital
0:04:38 > 0:04:39with a bag of stuff for her.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44I said to her, "Don't you worry, Pat, I am here for you any time,
0:04:44 > 0:04:48"day or night, you can count on me, I won't let you down."
0:04:49 > 0:04:51SHE SNIFFS
0:04:51 > 0:04:53What's that smell?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Are you doing chips?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Where did you say Ian was again?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Amsterdam, for a long weekend.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Och, Amsterdam, that's all drugs and sex shows
0:05:02 > 0:05:05and prostitutes there.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07We're booked to go in October.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09If it's no' one thing, it's another.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Christine!
0:05:11 > 0:05:12What are you doing here?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- I'm on my way to the hospital. - What for?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Pat's dog's had a go at her. - Aw, no!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Mmm, went for the back of her leg
0:05:19 > 0:05:21and then got a slice of ham off her when she was down.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- Is she all right?- Not bad. She's had a tetanus
0:05:25 > 0:05:27and I'm just taking her up a clean pair of knickers and a tangerine.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29What about the dog?
0:05:29 > 0:05:30It's in the hut with its teddy.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32What are you pair doing here?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Oh, we were away at a quiz night.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- Oh, a quiz night?- Yes.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Oh, I like a quiz.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- Go on, give us a question.- Eh?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Ask me a question.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44You staying long?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- CATH LAUGHS - Cheeky bastard.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- So, did youse win? - We came third.- Mm.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50- What did you get for that? - A bottle of wine.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- Cheap, horrible red wine. - Where is it by the way?
0:05:54 > 0:05:55I've got it in my bag.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57You staying for some chips, Christine?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Oh, mm, I don't know.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I've got to get to Pat at the hospital.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- BETH:- You're welcome if you want to, Christine?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Mmm...
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Right.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09OK, then, I'll maybe take a few.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Right, no bother. - And a slice of bread.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12A slice of bread, right.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14In fact, two slices.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Two slices. You mean like a chip butty?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Oh, good idea, Beth. Aye, a chip butty.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Oh, Beth, could you put the fan on?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I don't want to have to wash my hair when I go home.
0:06:26 > 0:06:31Here, Christine, if I said to you what is a male fox called,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33what would you say?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35I'd say what the fuck are you asking me that for?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Naw, it was a question in the quiz!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Oh, I see!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41A male fox...
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Well, well, I don't...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Is it no' just a fox?
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Ah, but is it?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I mean, a female fox is a vixen.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Oh, so it is.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54And a male fox...
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Oh, I don't know.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Is it a stud?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59It's a dog.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- A dog? How is it a dog? - It just is.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Well, what's a male dog called? And don't say a fucking fox.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Well, a dog would just be a dog.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Fucking foxes going into bins and then running away
0:07:13 > 0:07:14when you try to pat them.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- BETH:- Nearly there, almost done.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Here, Beth, were you at this thing?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22They're saying a fox is a...
0:07:22 > 0:07:23What is it?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- ERIC:- A male fox is a dog.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- A dog, aye.- BETH:- That's right.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30And she should know, she studied to be a vet.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34A vet's nurse, Colin. She's not brainy enough to be an actual vet.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I didn't study, I was just interested in it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Oh, I love animals.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I think you'd be magic at it, Beth, you know, washing their fur
0:07:41 > 0:07:45before the operation and getting them shaved and whatnot.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48And, like, holding them down when they're angry.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53I've seen that. Angry cats not wanting the torch in their ears.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Not just so keen on cats, they can have a temper, the wee shites.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- Right, ask me another one.- Right.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- Who was the second man on the Moon? - The second man on the Moon?- Aye.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Oh, I canny think.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Oh, you'll get it. Just think about it. Who was the first?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Oh, well, I know that.- Yeah? - Of course.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Louis Armstrong.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18OK, here we go.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Christine, your chip butty's just coming.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Aw, bless you, Beth.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- I'm sure Pat won't mind me... - ERIC:- Lovely.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26..getting a wee five minutes with my chips.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Aw, you're not putting mayonnaise in your chips, are you?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36That's what the French do, Christine. In't it, Eric?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Aye, that's right, French fries.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Aye, they also shit into a hole in the ground
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- but that doesnae make it a good idea.- Christine...
0:08:43 > 0:08:46..French cuisine is some of the best in the world, isn't it, Colin?
0:08:46 > 0:08:47That's right.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51That Nando's that we went to in Calais, it's the best I've been to.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54So, how are you getting up to the hospital, Christine?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Oh, I thought I might just get a taxi, you know?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Well, unless any of you could...
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Well, ah, you know, I've had a couple of drinks, so I'm out.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- Naw, listen, I've had a few pints, so...- I'm pissed.- ..sorry.- Mm-hm.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Ah!
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Hot, hot, hot!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Break it in half, Cathy,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17you've got to let the air in at the heart of the chip.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19And blow, that's it.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23That's it, that's it, blow.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26That's it, Eric.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Oh, there you go, Christine. Here's yours coming.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30HE MIMICS A FANFARE
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- Give it here. - CHRISTINE LAUGHS
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Oh...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Oh, not bad, Beth, not bad.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41But you could've snuck a couple of wee ones in at the edge there.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Here, Beth.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I could go a wee slice of bread myself.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Cathy?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49No, thanks, I don't eat carbs.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59CAR ENGINE RUMBLES OUTSIDE
0:09:59 > 0:10:00What's that?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04What is it?
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Is it the police?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07No.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Is that...?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- Is that Ian?- Eh?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- BETH:- No, it can't be, he's in Amsterdam.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14It is. It's Ian and Gordon.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- ERIC:- What?- CHRISTINE:- It is them. - Are they coming in?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I don't know what they're doing.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Eric, go out and see what's going on.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- Ian.- Dad.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- You all right? - Sorry, did we wake you up?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38No, no, no, we were up.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Everything all right?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- You all right, Gordon, son? - Hello, Mr Baird.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45How come you're back?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Och, we just thought we'd get an earlier flight.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Oh, right.- Sorta seen everything we wanted to see, hadn't we?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Well, I had.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Right.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Er, do you want to come in?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Your mum's made chips.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09DOOR CLOSES
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- Oh, hi, Gordon! - Everything all right?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Aye, fine, fine.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Look at this, Gordon. Bread, butter and chips.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19What more could you ask for, eh?
0:11:19 > 0:11:20A triple heart bypass?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I hear you've been in Amsterdam.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Two naughty boys in Amsterdam, eh?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Well, one.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Is this you just coming straight from the airport, is it?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Aye, we left our car here, save paying for parking, you know?
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Did you smoke cannabis, Gordon?
0:11:35 > 0:11:40I smoked it once, it made me want to watch loads of cartoons.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Ah, the old wacky baccy, eh?
0:11:42 > 0:11:43They put it in cakes, don't they?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Imagine that, Christine.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Oh, yes, I can.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Folk spiking your Victoria sponge.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53One minute it's afternoon tea,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56the next you're starring in a snuff movie.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01It's only one area that's like that, the city's actually really nice.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Yes, it is, Ian, it is a beautiful place.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Remember I saw that woman with the cock?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10You're back a bit early, are you not?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Yeah, we just sort of had enough, didn't we?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Uh-huh.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Can I use your toilet, please?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24SHE MOUTHS: What's going on?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26BATHROOM DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Mm-hm.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Aw, look, Beth's left her chips.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Oh, that's a shame to let them go cold.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Cathy, pass us they chips over, will you?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Look, we had a bit of a disagreement
0:12:46 > 0:12:49and we decided that it would be better if we just came home.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- Disagreement about what? - Ugh, nothing that important.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- Is it drugs?- No!- Is it money?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Did you spend all your money on drugs?- No!
0:12:57 > 0:13:01There's obviously something quite seriously wrong.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Oh, aye.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- You don't spend money on a weekend away and then come home early.- No.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Although I did when we went to Belfast
0:13:09 > 0:13:11and I didn't like the accents.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Maybe they didn't come home out of choice.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- What do you mean?- Maybe they've been deported.- What?!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Could be. I mean, we went there with the football,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22there was a couple of the boys got put on to the plane back home.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- How, what did they do?- Nothing.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Shat in the canal.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28We went for a night out last night
0:13:28 > 0:13:31and Gordon didn't like the place that we went to.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Yeah, but you don't jump on the next plane home just cos of that.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35TOILET FLUSHES
0:13:36 > 0:13:37All right?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Yeah, fine.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Ah, are you going to tell me what's going on?- Nothing.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- Is it drugs?- No, but if you keep asking that I'm going to need some.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- Well, this place you went to, what went on there?- Nothing.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55It was fine, it was just a bar, wasn't it?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59What was it called?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01The Hole.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Oh.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Huh.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Remember that time I came home from Guernsey three days early?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Oh, no' this.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15I will never, ever set foot in the Channel Islands again.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Or play crazy golf in flip flops.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Shhh!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Cathy, leave them alone. It's none of our business.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Leave them to it. Let them sort it between them.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Mm-hm.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29It's quite natural for couples to have wee disagreements
0:14:29 > 0:14:31now and again.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33No need for us to poke our noses in.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- Should I...?- Aye, fire in, Cathy, see what the story is.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46HE SIGHS
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were in here.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I'll just get a glass of water.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59It was absolutely disgusting. Honestly, Mrs Baird,
0:14:59 > 0:15:00I've never seen anything like it.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02It's Amsterdam, what do you expect?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Erm, this'll be fine.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Oh, carry on, I'm not, I'm not listening.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I just thought...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24..you might enjoy it.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- Did he take you to a sex show, Gordon?- Cathy!- Did he?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Was there actual penetration?- No!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33It was not a sex show...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- ..it was a bar.- A gay bar?
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Yes, a gay bar.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Were there, like, loads of men with their tops off, like,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- rubbing up against each other? - Cathy!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I'm just trying to visualise it!
0:15:43 > 0:15:47You know, did they have like really short hair and great teeth?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Look, I really wanted to go to Amsterdam
0:15:49 > 0:15:52and I was happy to go to that bar, I just didn't expect...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I just...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56What were you doing in that cubicle?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Boom!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Cathy, why don't we go through to the living room?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Oh, no way!
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Cathy, living room, now!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Cathy!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Living room, now!
0:16:24 > 0:16:25What's gone on?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27It's between Ian and Gordon.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31They went to a gay bar and Ian did something in a cubicle.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Oh, dear.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Well, what's wrong with that?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36If I was a man, I'd go in to a cubicle
0:16:36 > 0:16:39as opposed to standing at a trough with my willy out.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Not that kind of cubicle, Christine!
0:16:42 > 0:16:43A booth.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45A gay sex booth.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Oh.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Oh, hell.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54You ever been to a gay bar, Eric?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Me? No.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- I have. Haven't I, Cathy?- Yeah.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00In London. Fair play to them.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03It was actually a very welcoming and friendly place.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06There was music on, they had a fruit machine, they even had pints.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- Really, aye?- Aye, I got talking to this wee Moroccan guy
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- wi' a denim jacket on. I had a great night.- Ah.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- You didn't go to the toilet, though, did you?- No chance.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21I shared a table with a lesbian in Costas, didn't I, Beth?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23You did.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Look, I'm sorry.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I should've asked you first, I get it.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31I just...
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I don't know why you'd even want to do that with someone else.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35It was just a bit of fun in a bar,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37it's not like I've actually cheated on you.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38You had his cock in your hand!
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Shhh!
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Look...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47..I'm really sorry.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I don't want this to cause any trouble between us.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51I shouldn't have done it
0:17:51 > 0:17:54and I promise it won't happen again.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Christine, should you no' be getting up the road to that hospital?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03This is important, Eric.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Pat herself will be very interested to know
0:18:05 > 0:18:07what went on in that cubicle.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I think she'd rather have some pyjamas.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Well, you say that, Beth, but these wards are like saunas,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15she'll be fine in her pants.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- They keeping her in overnight, are they?- Aye.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Well, best place for her. She's in safe hands.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24- I mean, thank God for the NHS, eh? - Aye.- Oh, yes.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- BETH:- We've got Bupa, don't we? - Oh, aye. I mean, well,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29you canny muck about when it's to do with your health, you know?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34So, er...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36..everything all right?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- Yeah.- Fine.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Sure?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Ah...- You staying for a cup of tea?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45BOTH: OK.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Anyone else?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- I'll take a wee glass of wine, Beth. - I'll have a beer.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Oh, aye, me an' all!
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Gordon, would you mind, once you've had your cup of tea,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58giving me a run up to the hospital?
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Erm, sure, yeah.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Pat's been involved in an altercation with a dog
0:19:02 > 0:19:04over a piece of ham.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I'll fill you in on all the details on the way up.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08So, have you all been out tonight?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Quiz night.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Ask him the question, Colin, ask him.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Right, what is a male fox called?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17GORDON: I know! A dog!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- What?!- A dog!
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- COLIN: Can you believe that? - His general knowledge is amazing.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24I keep telling him he should go on Pointless.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Aw, Pointless, is that the one with the big streak of pish
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- and the glasses?- Aye.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30- BETH:- Aw, I like him.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Oh, Beth, you've got such shit taste in men.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I applied to go on a quiz show.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Did you?- Do you remember Wheel of Fortune?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44GORDON: Oh, with the, erm, with the wheel?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Oh, oh, I loved that!
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Who was the woman who turned the letters?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- Eh, Carol Smillie. - Ah, that's it. Carol Smillie.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I saw her once scraping bird shit off her windscreen
0:19:55 > 0:19:56with a debit card.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58She wasnae too smiley then, I can tell you.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00THEY LAUGH
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Here, Eric, do you ever watch Family Fortunes?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Och, aye, it's all right.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05SHE MIMICS A BUZZER
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I tell you what, they get some crackers on that.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08SHE MIMICS A BUZZER
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Here, we go, listen to this.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15We said name something beginning with Z
0:20:15 > 0:20:18and this guy's said, wait for it...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20..xylophone! THEY LAUGH
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Here's another one. Name something made of wool.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Oh, I know, I know. A jumper, a jumper.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Aye, no, but this guy's said a sheep!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32THEY LAUGH
0:20:32 > 0:20:34CATHY MIMICS A BUZZER
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Have you ever heard anything like it, Eric?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I mean, that's just the height of stupidity.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Aw, it can't be easy going on one of those shows.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Aye, especially if you've only got half a brain.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47It hasnae stopped Vernon Kay.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Here's another one.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53They were asked to name a bird with a long neck
0:20:53 > 0:20:54and they said...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56..Naomi Campbell.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00THEY LAUGH
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I tell you, see tonight at the quiz, Ian,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- your mum was a star.- Aw, was she? - No, I wasn't.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- She was.- Aye, you were.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11You were, Beth! See at the science and nature round.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Oooh, snakes, Gordon. Sssss.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Do you know, Ian, that your mum was very nearly a vet's nurse?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- I didn't know that.- Aw, you'd have been brilliant at that.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22That's what I said.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Have you ever seen the cat getting the torch in its ear?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Do you like cats, Gordon?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Don't mind them.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Mmm, each to their own.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35COLIN: Eric, what would you have done
0:21:35 > 0:21:38if you could've done anything in the world?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Oh, God, now you're asking.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Er...
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Well, I do remember when I was a wee boy,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I really wanted to be an astronaut.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51CHRISTINE: Fuck me, the rocket would never have got off the ground.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- CATHY:- If I could've been anything at all,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57I would've been a singer!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Aw, can you sing?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01No.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- But I tell you what I can do. - What?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I can do the crab, can't I, Colin?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- Eh?- Cathy...- You know the thing when I bend backwards
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- and I walk on my hands. - Oh, aye, aye, aye.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12- Do you want to see? - Er, no, Cathy!
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Yes. Come on, Colin, move this shit out the way.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Move the pouffe.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Right, that's it.- CHRISTINE: Mm-hm. - That's it.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- COLIN: That's you.- OK.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- Get them to count, Col.- All right.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- ALL:- One, two, three...
0:22:31 > 0:22:34THEY CHEER
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- Right, who's next? ERIC:- Eh?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- Christine, what's your party piece? - Oh, she can do magic.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Can I?- Oh, aye, every time you come round here
0:22:45 > 0:22:46all our food and drink disappears.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48THEY LAUGH
0:22:48 > 0:22:50You do yours then, Eric.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Aw, I know what his is, I've seen it hundreds of times.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- What is it, Mr Baird? - The Vanishing Banknote!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Colin, do you have a tenner upon you?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Aye, hold on.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- There you go.- Thank you.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Perfectly ordinary £10 note.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Now, watch carefully.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Notice how the hand never leaves the wrist.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09- CATHY:- Aw, get on with it.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- ERIC:- Aye, all right. You watchin'?
0:23:13 > 0:23:14THEY GASP
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Aw, that's good, Eric.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Eh, how about that?! - Oh, that's brilliant.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- CATHY:- Oh, do it again, do it again! - ERIC:- All right.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Fantastic!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31No' bad, eh?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Here, Eric, gies my tenner.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34That's why it's called The Vanishing Tenner.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- IAN LAUGHS - That's amazing!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- CHRISTINE:- Actually, I do have one.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- What is it? - It's a tongue twister.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Oooh. Tongues, Gordon.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Right.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Aye, but faster than that.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Ah. Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Faster.- Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.- ERIC: Faster!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran. Round the ragged...
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- Faster!- ..ragged rascal ran. Round the ragged rock...- Christine.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07..ragged rascal ran. Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Round the ragged rock...- Christine, stop!- ..the ragged rascal ran.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Aye, right, you ragged bastard, you better fucking run!
0:24:13 > 0:24:15CHRISTINE LAUGHS
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Colin, you do yours.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25I love this.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Gordon, wait till you see this, it's unbelievable!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Right, let me get set.- Shhh!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Yes, Miss Moneypenny.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36CATHY LAUGHS
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Sean Connery, Beth, Sean Connery.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Yes, Miss Moneypenny.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Gordon, isn't that unbelievable? It's Sean Connery.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Say something else.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Hello, Miss Moneypenny.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52That's shite.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- Beth, have you got one?- No. - ERIC:- Aye, you have.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- No, I don't.- Does she, Eric?- No!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Oh, yes, she does! What is it?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Go on, Beth, do the thing. - What thing?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07You know the thing, the noise.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- IAN: Aw, Mum, do that, it's so funny. GORDON:- What is it?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- What noise, Eric?- Oh, come on Beth, just do it. It's great.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- It's stupid.- COLIN: Come on, Beth! IAN: Go on, Mum!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Go on. Make the noise! Make the noise!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Meow.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Meowwwwwww.
0:25:44 > 0:25:52Meowwwwwwww.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55THEY LAUGH
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- Sorry, Beth, it was just... - All right, all right!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Ian, what about you?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10He's already done his turn in Amsterdam!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- Aye!- Oh!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- What about you, Flash Gordon? - Aw, no, I don't really have one.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Oh, come, on Gordon, you must be able to do something.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18I swear, honestly!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Would you like me to teach you to do the crab?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- No.- CHRISTINE:- I'd have a go, Cathy,
0:26:23 > 0:26:26but I think my chips would just come straight back up.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Are you no' very bendy, Gordy?
0:26:28 > 0:26:32What about school? What were you good at at school?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- Running.- Oh, my God, do some running!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Run around the room. In fact, run up the stairs.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- BETH:- He's not running up the stairs, Cathy.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43I actually got a bronze medal once for the hurdles.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44- Did you?- That is amazing!
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- Well, just jump over something, jump over the couch!- Cathy!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52IAN: Could go outside and do it. Mm?
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Yes!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- ERIC:- Oh, now you're talking! - Come on, let's go.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02I don't, I don't, even know what it is I'm meant to be doing.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04COLIN: Just, just hurdle something.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Jump over a car!
0:27:06 > 0:27:07A bloody car?!
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I know, the hedge!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Can you jump over the hedge?- Aye!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Erm...
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Should be able to.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- Here we go!- Go on, Gordy! Hedge, hedge, hedge, hedge!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23IAN: Gordon, just be careful, will you?
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- ALL:- Oh...
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Aww!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- Come on, son! - We could've jumped that!
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- CHRISTINE:- Come on, Gordon. Go on yourself, son, come on!
0:27:32 > 0:27:33That's it, that's it.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34- ALL:- Oh...
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Oh, my God, there's a fox! Beth!
0:27:36 > 0:27:37- ALL:- Aww!
0:27:37 > 0:27:38- GORDON:- Ah!
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Beth, Beth, grab it, let's bring it in.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- Are you all right?- Oh, my goodness, Gordon! What have you done?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Ah, it's my wrist. I've done something to my wrist.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- Ian, is he all right? - He's done something to his wrist.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51I can't move my fingers.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Ach, you'll be fine, he'll be fine!
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- I think he'll need to go up to A&E. - Well, none of us can take him.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- ERIC:- We've had a drink, we cannae drive.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01We'll need to phone an ambulance then.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02- CHRISTINE:- Ya beauty!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04What?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Well, he can take up Pat's pyjamas for her.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10I'll get another shot at Beth's chips.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12- GORDON:- Ah, it's really sore. Ah!
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Aw...
0:28:13 > 0:28:15- FOX GROWLS - Ow, you sh...!
0:28:15 > 0:28:16# Ow! Hey-hey, pretty baby
0:28:16 > 0:28:19# With your fine old foxy self
0:28:19 > 0:28:24# Hey-hey, pretty baby, with your fine old foxy self
0:28:25 > 0:28:26# I wanna love you, baby
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# Baby, all by myself
0:28:29 > 0:28:30# Ow!
0:28:30 > 0:28:35# Come on, come on, come on and follow me
0:28:35 > 0:28:39# Come on, come on, come on and follow me
0:28:39 > 0:28:42# I wanna love you, baby... #