0:00:04 > 0:00:07- Oh, hi, Christine. - I've just spoken to them.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08Who?
0:00:08 > 0:00:11That young couple that bought Archie's house.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Ah, right, right.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Hm, they were very interested to hear
0:00:14 > 0:00:17- a bit of the history of the house. - The history?
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Well, she had no idea
0:00:20 > 0:00:23that his body had lain for so long in that living room.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24I was saying to her
0:00:24 > 0:00:28that maybe we should have a wee get-together at some point.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Oh, aye, that would be nice.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Oh, I told her we'd give her the chance to get in
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- and get settled first though. - Ah, course.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35The last thing she's wanting
0:00:35 > 0:00:38is a load of folk inviting themselves over
0:00:38 > 0:00:41before she's had a chance to get her boxes emptied.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Absolutely.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44So I told them to come across here about two o'clock.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45What?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Thanks, Beth, you're a star.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Oh, and by the way, that tooth came out,
0:00:50 > 0:00:53so don't bother cutting the crusts off mine.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Two o'clock.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01This programme contains strong language.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20That's no' shut, Alan, you need to bang it.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24All right!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26You said bang it.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Come on.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30So is that woman's house we're going to?
0:01:30 > 0:01:31What woman?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Her wi' the joggy bottoms and hair like Rose West.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- No, it's her neighbour. - Right.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Now, remember, wait until you're offered before you eat anything,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42and if there's something you don't like, use a napkin,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44don't spit it straight into the bin.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53DOORBELL RINGS
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Hi, there.- Hi, Mrs Baird?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Beth, call me Beth! Are you, um...?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I'm Michelle, pleased to meet you.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Hi, Michelle.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04And...?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Alan.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Hi, Alan.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Um, come in, come in!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17In you come.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19This is my husband, Eric.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- How you doing? - Hi, there. Michelle.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Pleased to meet you.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Alan.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Um, right, sit down, sit yourselves down.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Take a seat.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31No' there! Kidding you on!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Only joking. On you go.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Is he a bit of a joker, is he, Beth?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40That's exactly what he is.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43We were at a party one night and I sat on a whoopie cushion,
0:02:43 > 0:02:44remember that, Michelle?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I do.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49She actually thought it was a real fart.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I mean, mine sound nothing like that.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55So, Beth, thank you so much for the invite.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57That was really nice of you.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Oh, that's OK.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- How are you settling in then? - Um, we're getting there, Eric.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I mean, that's us all unpacked, the new carpets are down,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06and the bathroom's getting tiled at the moment.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Three days in a row, I've had a wash at the sink, haven't I, Michelle?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Uh-huh.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13She's using baby wipes.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Well, I'm sure you'll get sorted soon enough.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I hope so!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I says to Alan, "Remind me again why we thought this was a good idea!"
0:03:20 > 0:03:23And I says, number one, nice area.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Number two, driveway for the van.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29And number three, that place we were in was fucking tiny.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31DOORBELL RINGS
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Excuse me.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Hi, Christine.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Hello, Beth.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41A wee treat for you - banana loaf, Beth.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Oh.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Well, I thought since you were making the sandwiches,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47the least I could do is contribute a wee something.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48That's very kind of you.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Not at all.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Not at all, Beth.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55It was reduced to 19p and its sell-by was last Thursday,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57but it'll be fine if it's buttered heavy.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Hello there, again.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- Oh, hi.- Hi, Christine.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07It's Michelle, isn't it?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- That's right.- And you are...?
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Alan.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13So you found it all right, then?
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Oh, no bother.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Aye, it was basically just straight across the road,
0:04:17 > 0:04:18- wasn't it, Michelle?- It was.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21What side is it you're on, Christine?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Oh, wait till I think.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24What way am I facing?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26It's through that way.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30If I'm in my chair facing the window, then she's on my left.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33We're on the right, as you're looking at us, Michelle.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Naw, naw, naw, you're wrong.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36If they're on the other side of the road looking out,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39then your house is on the left and ours is to the right.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40You're through that wall.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42And you'll be through that fucking windae
0:04:42 > 0:04:44if you keep pointing at me like that.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Would you like a tea or a coffee?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47I'll take one, Beth.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Alan.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Aye, that would be magic, Beth. Take a tea off you?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52How do you like it?
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Milk and three sugars.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- Michelle?- Oh, I won't actually,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I've had a couple of coffees already this morning.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Aw, you're the same as me, Michelle.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03If I have more than two, it's like a trap door flying open.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Or a glass of water, a soft drink or something?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07No, honestly, I'm fine.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- I'll take a Fanta aff ya, an' all. - Alan!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12So is there much needing done to the place, then, Alan?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15It's quite extensive, Eric, er, first things first,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17take down that wee porch at the front.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18You're what?!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- Aye, Michelle's wanting rid of it, aren't you?- We don't need it.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24You say that, Michelle, but what say maybes you've gone oot
0:05:24 > 0:05:27and then you come back and you've stood on a shit or something?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Aye, right enough.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32No, look, I just want a proper front door.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35So where was it you were before here?
0:05:35 > 0:05:36East Kilbride, Eric.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- Oh, right.- Do you know East Kilbride?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Um, a bit, I mean, not really.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Aye, it's good, aye.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Good place.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Why did you move?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Well, number one...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49nice area...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Hey!- Hi, Colin.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Listen, I'm just heading up the dump. I was wondering
0:05:59 > 0:06:01if you had anything you wanted taken up.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Um, no, I don't think so.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Hold on, I'll ask Eric.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07And then of course, there was
0:06:07 > 0:06:10the septic toe incident in the Algarve, Michelle.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Um, sorry to interrupt.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Eric, Colin's at the door,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15and he's going up to the dump and he wants to know...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17# Any old iron, any old iron... #
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you had company.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Wait till you meet this tit, Michelle.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23- Hi, Christine.- Hi, Colin.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Colin, this is Alan and Michelle.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27They've just moved in across the road.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Ah. Into old Archie's?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Yeah.- Aye, that was terrible him lying all that time in the lounge.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I mean, I saw the cat pawing at the blinds,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- but, no, never for a minute did I... - Um, Eric, so, anything?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Eh, no, I don't think so.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Right, well, no, thanks, then, Colin.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Are you away up the dump, are you?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Aye, you wanting anything taken up?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47No, but I'm looking for a wicker magazine rack.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Well...- Is that your wee digger across the road there?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- Aye. - What are you doing with that?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Taking down the porch. - Are you?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Cannae believe it.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Madness!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59We can't see the point in it.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Ah, she'll no be saying that
0:07:00 > 0:07:03when he trails a big dogshite onto her hall carpet!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Aye, I got it on loan from my work.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06What is it you do, Alan?
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Tool hire.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Oh, do you?
0:07:09 > 0:07:14I tell you what I'm looking for, Alan, a good sharp pair of scissors.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Naw, we don't do scissors.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Aw, see, trying to separate sausages, Michelle.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I hired a tile cutter a couple of year ago.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22- Oh, we've got them! - Have you?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Aye. I can get you one if you want? - Naw.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- Fucking sails through the tiles, by the way.- Alan...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- Honest to God. Like a laser. - Alan!
0:07:30 > 0:07:31No, no, it was, it was last year.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Alan, budge up and give the man a seat.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Colin, just shove him out the road.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Oh, right, OK.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41So, whereabouts are you?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- Two doors down.- That way, Michelle.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45We're over there.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Aye. That way.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48We've just moved in.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Have youse met Cathy yet?
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Who's Cathy?
0:07:51 > 0:07:52The wife.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54No, we've not met her.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58We've really only met Christine this morning when she came over.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I just went across as a courtesy, you know.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05And to see if Archie's daughter had taken that big shovel away.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Wait, I'll send her a message, tell her to come in.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Aw, wait, I think I have seen her.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Aye?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- Tall, long hair?- Aye.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Leather jacket with a big chunky belt?
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Aye!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Staggering out of a taxi last night the back of 11?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Aye, that's Cathy! She was away at the yoga.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Oh, I was making tea, wasn't I? Colin, do you want a cup?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Um, Alan, are you having one?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Aye. And a Fanta. I'm having a can of Fanta aff her as well.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39You should ask for one. See if she says aye to you as well.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Aye, go on, Beth.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Banana loaf as well.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46It's a good big stodgy one, Michelle.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Take more than a couple of coffees to shift it.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Hi. Only me!
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Hi, Cathy! How are...
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Are they in there?
0:09:00 > 0:09:01..you?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Here she is!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Hi! I'm Cathy.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Michelle, pleased to meet you.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Michelle - it's so nice to have a proper woman on the street.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Oh, and this must be...
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Alan.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Alan.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Alan.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Alan. Lovely to meet you.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Oh, if I'd known you were doing welcome drinks,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I'd have invited you to ours.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Would you like a cup of tea, Cathy?
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Or a wine, Beth, I'm easy.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38There's a banana loaf about to make an appearance, Cathy.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Oh, none for me, thanks, Beth.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Are you carb free?
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Oh, I try.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44I try too, Michelle.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Aye, until she's fucked wi' the drink,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49and now she's doon the chippy in her slippers.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Well, Alan's got a sweet tooth, he might have some.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Oh, do you, Alan?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Aye, I can eat three Twixes in a row. Ever do that. Eric?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Eh, no.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I do.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Sometimes I go and park the van somewhere quiet,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06turn the engine off and just eat.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15They're doing quite a bit of work to the place.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16- Are you?- Yeah.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18They're getting rid o' that porch!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21We did tons of work to the house when we moved in, didn't we, Col?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Did you?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26We had to - it was basically just like this.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Oi - plate!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32So what did you have done?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Oh, we have spent a lot of money, Michelle.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Converted the loft, had a new en suite
0:10:37 > 0:10:40so I can see what Colin's doing in the shower,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42and the kitchen - oh, my God!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44You want to see my kitchen, Michelle.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47I've got one of those taps with the hose
0:10:47 > 0:10:48that you get in restaurants.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Oh, right.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51So do you do a lot of cooking?
0:10:51 > 0:10:55- No.- Well, we were thinking about knocking through from the kitchen
0:10:55 > 0:10:58to the living room, you know, just to open the place up a wee bit.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Are you, aye?- Aye, it means if I'm sitting watching the darts
0:11:01 > 0:11:04she can be standing at the cooker still talking to me,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06unless somebody's on a finish.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Oh, aye,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09You a fan of the darts yourself, Eric?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Oh, aye, well, I don't mind the darts.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12But I've no' got Sky, though.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Oh, I have. That's why we got it.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Formula 1 now as well.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Ooh!- Our dining room opens on to the living room
0:11:19 > 0:11:23which opens onto the decking which is where we've got the hot tub.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Well...
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Oh - had a hot tub.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29We had to drain it when I saw a bird dipping its head in it.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Have you done anything to this place?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- BETH TUTS - Um, well...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37we got that extra radiator, didn't we?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39We did.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Are you sure I cannae tempt you to a wee slice of this, Michelle?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46It's fine with a drink of something to wash it over.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47No, thanks.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52This must just be the same way as ours.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Do you want a look round?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Yeah, that'd be great, thanks.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Give them the grand tour, Beth.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Oh, I like your jeans, missus.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Oh, thanks.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Michelle, could you bring a sheet of kitchen towel back with you,
0:12:07 > 0:12:09fucking butter everywhere!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Come on through.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Aww! Eh?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23So do youse eat in here or do youse take it through onto your knee?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Um, it depends, really.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27We were thinking about having a breakfast bar
0:12:27 > 0:12:28as well as an actual dining table.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Ooh!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Telly's going up on a bracket so you can swing it both ways
0:12:32 > 0:12:34and still see it.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Sorry, I'm just getting that wine now that I asked you for.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Um, we did think at one point about adding on a conservatory.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43We've got one.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45We've got a conservatory.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47It gets so warm, it's amazing.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I dry all Colin's pants in it.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53What happens to your wet pants, Alan? Tumble drier, eh?
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Mm, pants off, and into the wash, and into the tumble drier?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00There you go, naughty boy, all warm and tight for you.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Anyway, we decided not to in the end.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Eric, did you say it was East Kilbride
0:13:12 > 0:13:14they were in before here?
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Aye.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Colin - look up sex offenders in East Kilbride on your phone.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Quick.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Seen all you want? Same as yours, right enough, Alan?
0:13:24 > 0:13:31Aye, layout's identical - sink, hob, fridge,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33only difference is she's got a bog under her stairs,
0:13:33 > 0:13:34we've no' got one of them.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36We had it put in a couple of years ago.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Did you, aye?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40It saves you running up and down the stairs for a piss, dun't it?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Alan.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Yes.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46You would love our house, Michelle.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- Wouldn't she, Col?- Oh, aye, it's a big step up fae this.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51You should come over some time.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Aw, that would be lovely, thanks.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Come and have a look now if you want.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58- Eh?- Come and have a look now. - No. You're fine.- Come on.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59- No, honestly.- Come on!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- No, honestly!- Come now, Michelle!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- All right!- Beth?- What?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06You come too, in case anything needs tidied.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20I think you're right about the porch, Michelle, I hate them too.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- So where do you put your shoes and stuff?- Hm?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Like, do you just take them off in the hallway?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I don't know what happens to them, Michelle.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Ooh! Oh, I like that wallpaper.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Oh, thanks!
0:14:35 > 0:14:39I took a lot of my inspiration for this room from a hotel
0:14:39 > 0:14:43that Colin and I stayed in in Dubai.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Have you been to Dubai, Michelle? - I have.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Beth - you've not been, have you?
0:14:49 > 0:14:50No.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52See.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Have a look around, get a feel for the space,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59oh, smell the leather couch.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Here, is it no' about time we got the beers on the go?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Eh?- Oh, come on - there's Alan just moved in
0:15:09 > 0:15:10and he's not had a beer yet.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Alan, you fancy a beer?
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Aye.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Good man, Alan.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16All the lads together having a swally.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- You got a Foster's, Eric? - Wait and I'll see what I've got.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25So, do you go up to the dump a lot?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Aye, quite a bit, Alan.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29You'll need to tell me where it is.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Pat over the back took the base of a single bed up there on a bus.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35That's where the van comes in handy.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Taking stuff to places.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Mm, have you met Pat yet, Alan?
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Naw, I don't think so.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Aw, you'd know her if you saw her - a wee bit stooped,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46looks like she's hunting for coins.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48There you go.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50There you go, Alan, do you want a glass with that?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Naw.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Right, here we go - first of the day!
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Oof, it's nice and cold, thank you, Eric.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Right, well, cheers, Alan.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Cheers, son.- Cheers!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Oh!
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Ah!
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Oh!
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Aw.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14So are you doing most of the work yourself then, Alan?
0:16:14 > 0:16:15I am, aye.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Except the plumbing stuff.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I says to Michelle, "I'm no' doing anything
0:16:19 > 0:16:20"where I might get shite on me."
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Well, listen, anything you need, just give us a shout.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28And I'll send Eric straight over to you.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Oh, I tell you, it used to be when you moved in somewhere,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33all the neighbours would muck in
0:16:33 > 0:16:35and help you do the place up, remember that?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Aye, you're right, Eric.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40When I lived in Johnstone, there was a man in the street
0:16:40 > 0:16:44and he came in and wallpapered my hall for no money whatsoever.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Ah, that's the community spirit, eh?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Aye.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Aye. Took over a week to do it and he cleaned me out of Nescafe.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Never again.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Big double fridge, Michelle.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Oh, I like that.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01And, of course, the wonderful island in the middle here.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Oh, I would love one of them.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08Aren't they great? Look, I can walk right round it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11MICHELLE LAUGHS Ooh!
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Oh - look at that hob!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Look at the size of that gas ring in the middle.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Isn't that amazing?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20It'd be great for doing a stir fry.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Or just for lighting cigarettes.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24It is absolutely spotless.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Oh, that's Colin.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Does he do it all, does he?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Yeah, he texts the cleaner every week.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35If you want, Michelle, I can look out the brochures that we used.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Oh, what, for this?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Yes.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Aw, Cathy that is so sweet of you,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42but I think we'll probably just go for something a bit more practical.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45This is practical.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Oh, no, I didn't mean it like that.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52This is practical - I can get crushed ice out of that.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Cathy, no.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56And there's a fan as well, somewhere.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Maybe we should go back...
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Yes, that's a good idea, Beth.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I would show Michelle my toilet - you'd love that, Michelle,
0:18:07 > 0:18:11it's really practical - you can shit in it and then flush it away.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Are you doing anything to the upstairs?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Old Archie that had it, he was never upstairs -
0:18:17 > 0:18:20he had his commode and his basin in his living room.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23There's Artex on the ceiling in the bedroom that Michelle wants rid of.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Aw, that can be a bugger to get rid of.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I've got a mate that's a plasterer -
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I got him to come out and have a look at it.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Oh, aye, and what did he think?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32He thought it looked fucking horrible as well.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35It'll be worth it when you get it all looking the way you want it.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Oh, aye.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I'm actually turning the back bedroom into a nursery.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42- Aw, are you?- Ah, I said to Beth it won't be long
0:18:42 > 0:18:45before she's dragging a pushchair up that driveway.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48So is she up the duff just now, is she?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Well, we're trying.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Aw, that's the best bit, Alan, plenty of it.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Enjoy it while it lasts, eh, Eric?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Oh, aye.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I thought I saw a new mattress getting delivered.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01That'll be taking a hammering, will it no', Alan?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04That's great, Alan - be nice to have more kids on the street.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Our Ian's grown up and away living in a flat now.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09With a man.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Here, you must be knackered, all this work
0:19:14 > 0:19:16and then you've to get your sleeves rolled up at night as well.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Aye, Michelle's got a thing on her phone that pings
0:19:18 > 0:19:21and tells her when's the best time to get rode.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Here, Eric, we'll need to listen for that.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Hey!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Aw, here she is, how did you get on?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Aye, fine.- Did you have a go on that big leather couch?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Tell you, see that with a pair of crimplene slacks -
0:19:38 > 0:19:40you're sliding about like It's A Knockout.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Well, I was going to ask if anyone wanted another cup of tea
0:19:45 > 0:19:47but I can see you've already...
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Well, we just wanted to give Alan a proper welcome.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Here, Alan, son, watch this.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Wait, wait.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57HE BURPS QUIETLY
0:19:57 > 0:19:58THEY LAUGH
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Thank you!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Wait, wait, wait, wait.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03HE BURPS LOUDLY
0:20:03 > 0:20:04MICHELLE LAUGHS
0:20:04 > 0:20:06CHRISTINE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Michelle, would you like a drink?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11I'm having a beer.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15That's a beer, a tea and a Fanta I've had aff her.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Good man, Alan!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Well, I'd maybe take a wee glass of wine.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Wine for Michelle, Beth!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- She's a fucking cow.- What?!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32She is trouble.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33I am telling you.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Oh, Cathy, don't start.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I say to her her jeans are nice, what do I get back?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- IMITATES:- "Aw, thank you."
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Cathy.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45I mention Dubai so I can tell her things, she says she's already been.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48And then I invite her into my house,
0:20:48 > 0:20:49I walk around my island
0:20:49 > 0:20:51and, like, switch lights on and off
0:20:51 > 0:20:54all for her, so she can say she prefers it in here!
0:20:54 > 0:20:55I mean, come on!
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Oh, for goodness' sake.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00I know exactly what she's up to.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I've met women like that before -
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I've been on nights out with cabin crew.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09She's just moved in! She seems like a very nice girl.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- And she's only been here two minutes...- Aw.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13..so go easy!
0:21:15 > 0:21:16I'm warning you!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Oh, here, Alan, we've had some laughs in this street,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- have we no', Eric?- Have we?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Remember the time that you fell on the ice?
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Oh!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- THEY LAUGH - Oh, I remember that.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Here, here, what about that time you locked yourself out your house?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34THEY LAUGH
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Oh, yeah!
0:21:36 > 0:21:40No, no, no, no, remember that time that your ceiling came in?
0:21:40 > 0:21:41THEY LAUGH
0:21:44 > 0:21:46What's fucking funny about that?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48The best, I'll tell you the best,
0:21:48 > 0:21:49right, remember that time
0:21:49 > 0:21:52you had the flat battery and I came out with the jump leads.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Eric, Eric, Eric, shh,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Michelle's not interested in our boring stories, are you, Michelle?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03What happened, Eric?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Well, I said to Beth to park our car next to his,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08so she reversed up to his bonnet.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11So our boot was next to his bonnet.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15And no' as it should have been, bonnet to bonnet.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Well, I wasn't thinking.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Unbelievable.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- Honestly. You want to have seen it! - What a dozy cow!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Youse'll love it here.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Yes, you'll be very happy.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35I tell you what - it's a brilliant place to bring up a wee baby.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Sorry?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Well, Alan and Michelle are trying for a baby, aren't youse?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- Well...- Are you?!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Aye, she's got a thing on her phone that pings
0:22:46 > 0:22:49when it's time for her to get pumped.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51What are you doing talking about this?
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Aw, we're just chatting...
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Well, I think it's lovely, Michelle. Isn't it nice, Eric?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58It'll be great to have kids on the street.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59That's what I said.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03I've got a granddaughter myself, Michelle,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06she's living in council accommodation in North Wales.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09What happened to the twins that were in that bungalow on the corner?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Fostered out.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Well, it's early days at the moment,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16so let's just see what happens, eh?
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Here's hoping!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Oh, oh, oh, oh, I think I should take that, Michelle.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Cathy!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25No vino for the bambino.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28See, if you do run into any trouble,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30and you need to get your sperm checked, Alan,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33there's a place I went that I'd highly recommend
0:23:33 > 0:23:36cos their selection of magazines was, well, was superb.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40You know I was done in just under, what, four minutes?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42If you're looking for a baby-sitter, Michelle,
0:23:42 > 0:23:47my good friend Pat over the back has recently switched to the vaping.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Well, we've got plenty to be getting on with,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52with all the stuff needing done to the house, so...
0:23:52 > 0:23:53We were just saying, Beth,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56how everyone used to muck in and help with the old DIY.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57That's right.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Ah, that's kind, but I think we'll be fine.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Awww. Are you sure, Michelle?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Yeah.- We can help.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04No, honestly.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Cathy, she's fine.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Aw, poor Michelle, so much to do, unpacking boxes,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13knocking down porches, lying on your back when your phone pings.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14SHOUTS: Cathy!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19I don't want your help.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22No, no, no, I insist.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27In fact, why don't we make a start on things right now.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Cathy!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Where's she going?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40MACHINE BEEPS
0:24:40 > 0:24:41What on earth?!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48What's she doing?
0:24:51 > 0:24:55No, no, Cathy! Cathy, stop!!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01SHE LAUGHS
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I'm actually going up the dump if you're needing anything shifted.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Just a thought.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13SHE LAUGHS
0:25:15 > 0:25:19# I'm gonna roll out the welcome mat for you
0:25:19 > 0:25:23# Put on my Sunday best for you
0:25:23 > 0:25:27# Cook up a great big stew for you
0:25:27 > 0:25:29# That's what I'm gonna do
0:25:29 > 0:25:34# For you, I'm gonna roll out the welcome mat for you
0:25:34 > 0:25:37# Now that's what I'm gonna do
0:25:37 > 0:25:38# For you!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41# That's what I'm gonna do For you! #