0:00:05 > 0:00:12This programme contains strong language
0:00:13 > 0:00:18# Next year, all our troubles will be out of sight... #
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Your mummy won't be long until she's home.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Have you got a present for Granny? Have you?
0:00:28 > 0:00:32SHE SNIFFS Oh, I think you have.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34DOORBELL RINGS
0:00:36 > 0:00:37- Oh!- Hi, Eric!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39- You all right, squire?- Aye!
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Just to say, that's us off!
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Oh, right, very good. Beth! So, what time's your flight?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46BETH!
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Oh, hi, Cathy. Oh, ready for the off, then?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Oh, yes. Christmas in the Alps, eh, Cathy?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Chernobyl, here we come.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- It's Grenoble, Cath, it's Grenoble. - Oh.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59All the lovely snow and the mountains
0:00:59 > 0:01:01and those big outdoor cafes with the heaters,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04where you can just sit and smoke and smoke and...
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- ..smoke.- What the pair of you two up to, then?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Oh, we're just having it here.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Aw, just the two of yous?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Well, Ian's popping over to drop off presents
0:01:11 > 0:01:14and I think he's bringing that new guy he's seeing with him.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Oh, no need for the mistletoe -
0:01:16 > 0:01:18they'll still be at the "shagging nonstop" stage.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Aye. Remember that, Eric, eh?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Well, they're just dropping by
0:01:22 > 0:01:24and then it'll just be the two of us for dinner.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26You'll not be bothering with a turkey
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- if it's just the two of you, then? - Turkey crown.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29You've got a turkey crown, Beth?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh, I wish I was staying here now.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35OK, let's go.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Enjoy yourselves. Have a good time.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Cheers. Hope Santa's good to you!
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Aye, well, he's given us one good present already!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS ON TV
0:02:05 > 0:02:07DOORBELL RINGS
0:02:15 > 0:02:17What's happened?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- DOOR CLOSES - What's going on?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22French bastards, Beth!
0:02:22 > 0:02:23All right, Cath, all right.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25What happened?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Air traffic control - they've gone on strike.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- Oh, no.- They've cancelled the flight.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33No flights in or out of France for the next 48 hours at least.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Honestly, Beth, I've not been this disappointed
0:02:36 > 0:02:37since my implants had to come out.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Oh, what a shame.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I never, ever, want to go to France or have anything to do with
0:02:42 > 0:02:45anything French ever again in my life.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48I've been looking forward to this for ages, haven't I, Col?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51She has, aye. Had all her tache bleached and everything.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Look, if you've not got anything else planned,
0:02:59 > 0:03:03well, you're welcome to have your Christmas dinner here if you like.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Sorry?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Well, if you're not going away and you've got nothing in, then...
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Colin?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Er...it saves us cooking.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21That's true. Would we not be better getting a table somewhere?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- It's too late in the day. - What about the Thai Fountain?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- I think they're shut Christmas Day. - Oh.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28The Indian with the paper tablecloths?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I think they do something for the homeless.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Sake! There's definitely nowhere else?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Not that I can think of.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38That would be lovely, Beth.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Wait a minute. What about Sophie?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42As long as she doesn't sit opposite me, that'll be fine.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44No, I mean how is she going to get back?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Oh, God, of course. - What do you mean?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Well, she was out with Christine and the wee one at EuroDisney.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50And the flight back was overbooked.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52So she got put on the waiting list for the next flight home.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Jeezo! Well, any luck, she won't be affected.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Stuck?! What do you mean, "stuck"?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Now, you listen here to me. I don't care how they do it...
0:04:02 > 0:04:06If they have to get Donald fucking Duck himself to fly you back,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09you will get here for this wee one's first Christmas.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12BABY CRIES Sh-sh-sh. It's all right,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15it's all right. Everything's fine.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25That be enough for us, will it?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Well, it says "serves four".
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Aye, four what - mice?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31There's plenty of veg.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I wonder if Sophie did make it home last night.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Well, no news is good news. Let's not get involved.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- Maybe I should go round and check. - Beth!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Hi, Christine. Merry Christmas.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47No' for me, it's not. Come in.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53She's just off the phone a minute ago -
0:04:53 > 0:04:56next chance of a flight's tomorrow.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Oh, no!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01She says the airport's like a refugee camp.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05There's folk peeing in the prayer room, Beth.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I mean, on Christmas Day itself.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08And poor Madison.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Oh, she's devastated.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Is she?
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Oh, aye. She shat in her bath.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Oh, dear. Well, listen, why don't you come through to ours?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Oh, no, we'll just have it here, Beth.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Are you sure? Cathy and Colin are coming and Ian's popping by.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24No, honestly, we'll be fine.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26We can put Madison upstairs and use the monitor
0:05:26 > 0:05:29and then you can have a mince pie and a glass of wine.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Just give me two ticks, then.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32OK, I'll just get this.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36In you come. I've got her.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41- Right.- Didnae bother with a wreath, I see, this year, Beth.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Oh, she's heavy, isn't she?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Aye. Sophie's breast-feeding her -
0:05:45 > 0:05:49every time she slips that bra down it's like Man Versus Food.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52There you go, you wee honey.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Christine's going to join us for dinner.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Aw. I was hoping you'd say that.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Compliments of the season, Eric.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02You won't know I'm here - I shan't disturb.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04No problem.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Aw, look at that! I love a real tree.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10# O, Christmas tree
0:06:10 > 0:06:11# O, Christmas tree
0:06:11 > 0:06:14# De-deedle-ee, de-de-de-de. #
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- Do you not find the needles choke up your Hoover, though, Beth?- Er...
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I'll keep my slippers on, just in case you've missed any.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25I've got the fibre optic tree, Eric, that changes colour.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Oh, have you?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Mm-hm. Oh, I cannae put it on the rapid flash, though,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32in case the guinea pig takes another seizure.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Right, I'd better start getting things into the oven.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Do you want a drink, Christine?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Oh, no, not when I've got Madison.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Aw, the wee soul. She's happy as Larry lying there.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Aye, so she is.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Fuck it, then. I'll take a wine.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53- All right?- Fine.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59That's five of us that's got to feed now.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00It'll be fine. I won't take much.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05What is it you're cooking?
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Turkey crown? Are you not doing a proper turkey?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Well, we just thought it would be... - What veg?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Sorry?- What veg are we getting?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Er, potatoes, sprouts...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Are you doing a pig in a blanket?
0:07:18 > 0:07:19- IAN:- Hi!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Oh, hi. Come in.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Merry Christmas.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Merry Christmas, Mum.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Aw!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30This is Gordon. Gordon, this is Mum.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Hello, Mrs Baird. Merry Christmas.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Ooh! Merry Christmas.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Ian's told me a lot about you.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Oh, right. All good, I hope!
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Don't worry - nothing bad.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Except the story about when you clipped the woman's wing mirror
0:07:41 > 0:07:43in the car park at Sainsbury's and didn't say anything
0:07:43 > 0:07:45and then the police came to the door.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47And about the time you broke wind in the yoga class
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- and everyone was like... - Why don't we go through?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53That's Ian and Gordon here.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Oh!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Hiya, Dad. Merry Christmas.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Merry Christmas, son.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Gordon, this is my Dad. - Hi Gordon, son.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Merry Christmas, Mr Baird. Are we doing hugs or...?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05OK, that's fine.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- All right, Christine. Merry Christmas.- Mm.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Christine, this is Gordon.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Hold on till I get the rest of this pie down me.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Hello, Gordon.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Christine stays next door.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Hello, Christine, merry Christmas. How's your day been so far?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Oh, a fucking shit show.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- Oh.- We were away in EuroDisney and my daughter's stuck out there
0:08:32 > 0:08:34cos she cannae get a flight back.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Oh, no. Because of the strike?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38No, cos she's been kidnapped by the seven dwarves.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Aye, because of the strike.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Here, Beth, Eric tells me that you're no' doing a proper turkey.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47She didnae tell me that
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- when she was dragging me in here, Gordon.- Well...
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- BABY CRIES - Aw, there's wee Madison.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54That's my granddaughter, Gordon.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56She's lovely. Aren't they cute at that age?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58She shat in her bath.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Will I take her upstairs?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Aw, I don't know, Beth.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Seems a shame to have her up there on her own.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06We brought you a wee bottle of fizz.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Well, er, take her up, Beth. Take her away up.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Aw, thanks very much.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12- Ah, you want a wee drink?- Aye.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14What do you want?
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Er, just a beer'll do me.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Gordon?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Oh, er, something Christmassy.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21A beer in a glass? THEY CHUCKLE
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Have you got any Baileys?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Oh, I could go one of them as well, Eric.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26You've got your wine.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Not any more, I don't!
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Could I get a cube of ice in mine?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36It just helps you get the dregs out the bottom of the glass.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Oh, that's a good idea.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Here, Eric, I'll have a cube of ice in mine as well.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44PHONE RINGS
0:09:46 > 0:09:50So, Gordon, how come you're not with your own family today, then?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52They're all down in Yorkshire.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Oh, Yorkshire.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56There was a woman from Yorkshire in front of me
0:09:56 > 0:09:58in the queue for the toilets at EuroDisney.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Oh, right.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Mm. She took fucking ages.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05That's her - she's settled now.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I was just chatting to my wee pal Gordon.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Here, Beth, do you know that if you put ice cubes into Baileys
0:10:13 > 0:10:17you don't need to stick your finger in to get the rest of it out?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Right, well, shall we do presents now?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Cos I know you two can't hang around.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Actually, I was going to ask if it would be all right
0:10:24 > 0:10:26if we could stay and have our dinner here.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Oh, I thought you were going to Morven and Lynn's.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Well, we were but...they cancelled.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Are you doing a pig in a blanket, Beth?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Hang on a minute, Christine.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Well, if you want to, you're more than welcome.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Aw, thanks, Mum.- As long as you're not a fussy eater, Gordon.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42No, no. Well, I'm a vegetarian.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43What's this?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Ian and Gordon are staying here for their dinner.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48They're... Oh, right, OK.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54SHE HUMS: Jingle Bells
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- # Jingle all the way... # - GORDON JOINS IN
0:10:56 > 0:11:00BOTH: # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh
0:11:00 > 0:11:01# Hey!
0:11:01 > 0:11:03# Jingle bells, jingle bells
0:11:03 > 0:11:05# Jingle all the way. #
0:11:07 > 0:11:09You, me, Cathy, Colin,
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Christine, Ian.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- What about Gordon? - He won't take any.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Why not?- He's vegetarian.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Oh, God. So what we going to give him?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I don't know! Vegetables.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- Oh!- Och, it'll be fine - we've got
0:11:20 > 0:11:22the big Christmas pudding and that'll fill everyone up.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Right, come on, let's do these presents.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Oh, OK. Right, go on.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31That's your dad's.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Dad, that's for you.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Thanks very much, son. Much appreciated.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39This is where I could start getting all emotional -
0:11:39 > 0:11:43this should be me and Sophie sat here exchanging presents.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46She was so looking forward to it, as well.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Aw, what did you get her?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Two pairs of tights and a big Dairy Milk.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Right, will we get on with this?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- Mrs Baird, that's for you.- Ooh! Oh!
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Oh, I feel bad opening this in front of you, Christine.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03Don't be daft, Beth. You go ahead.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07I'm just happy to sit here and watch the surprise on folk's faces
0:12:07 > 0:12:09when they open them up.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Oh, I wonder what it is!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12That'll be perfume.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14It's lovely paper.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I'm telling you, it'll be perfume.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Christine, don't spoil it.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20What is it?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22It's perfume.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Told you!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Thanks, Ian. Thanks, Gordon.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Absolute pleasure. I'm not saying that you stink!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Right, come on, Eric. You open yours.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Come on, Mr Baird, rrr!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Listen, you didn't need to bother - I don't need anything.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40It won't be much, Eric.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43It'll just be pants that come in a box or a wee tin of posh biscuits.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- Biscuits.- Told you!
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Right, Ian, this is from me and your dad.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Wait - I'll get my phone out. I should really be taking photos.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Oh, here, Gordon, take one of me before I get pished.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Aw, thanks a lot.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07That'll be something to wear.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- Christine!- Sorry.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11A polo shirt or the likes.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- Hey!- Sorry, sorry.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Aw, that's lovely. Do you like it?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19That's really nice. Ralph Lauren!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Ralph Lauren, aye?- Yeah.
0:13:22 > 0:13:2412.99, TK Maxx.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Have you got the bag, Colin?
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Merry Christmas.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I'm supposed to be skiing.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44What a shame.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Wee Madison's first Christmas
0:13:46 > 0:13:49and her mum's not even here to give her her presents.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I was thinking - why don't we...?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Och, no, no.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55What?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Where's that Santa suit we had?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00MUSIC: Last Christmas by Wham!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03PHONE RINGS
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Who was that?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11It's my mum. I'll call her later.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14How come you're not speaking to her?
0:14:16 > 0:14:17It's just...
0:14:17 > 0:14:20..if I speak to her, I'll have to speak to my dad.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21And?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24And he'll ask me where I am.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- And?- Well, he doesn't know.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30He doesn't know you're having Christmas with me?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- No, he doesn't know that. - DOORBELL RINGS
0:14:33 > 0:14:35He also doesn't know I'm gay, to be honest.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37What?!
0:14:39 > 0:14:40BOTH: Merry Christmas.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- Hi, Cathy. Hi, Colin. - BABY CRIES
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- CHRISTINE:- That's Madison awake. - Two ticks. In you come.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- How you feeling? - Fucking gutted, Beth.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48I got new pants.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Hey!
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Merry Christmas.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, everybody.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Merry Christmas.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- Hi, Ian.- Hiya!
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Oh, and you must be Gordon. Look, Colin - Ian and Gordon.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Or is it Gordon and Ian?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I suppose it might depend on who's the...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Merry Christmas, Cathy.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Oh, merry Christmas, Gordon, honey. Let me just give you a little kiss.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Ah-oh-oh-oh! Peck on the lips.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Peck on the lips, Gordon, just for Christmas.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25That's you.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Merry Christmas, boys.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Merry Christmas!
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Really different from Jaz, isn't he?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35What's your type, Ian - just...anything?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Yous had a good day, boys?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Oh, yes, lovely. Very nice.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Getting a bit hungry now, mind you.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Ready for our Christmas dinner, you know.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Oh, aye, I could do with something myself.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I mean, there's nothing in these pies of hers.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51You having it here as well, are you?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Your mum said you were going to a lesbian's house.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57We were, aye, but...
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Our plans fell through as well.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Oh, no. What happened?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02We were supposed to be skiing
0:16:02 > 0:16:06in a five-star resort just outside Chernobyl, Gordon.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Grenoble.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Yes, but the French Air Traffic fuckers fucking fucked us, Gordon.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Is this your first time here, is it, Gordon?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16It is, yeah. I'm the new boy!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Aye, very good.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20And where did the pair of you meet -
0:16:20 > 0:16:25was it online or was it, like, in a park?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- BABY MURMURS - Here she is.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31ALL EXCLAIM
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Christine, that's Madison down now.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- Has she been changed?- Yes.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40All right. Just keep your eye on her for me, then, please.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42What a shame Sophie's not back.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43I know.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46How is Madison? Is she all right?
0:16:46 > 0:16:47She shat in the bath.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Well, never mind that, cos we've got a nice surprise for you.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Is it a turkey?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Wait and I'll see if he's ready.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04Oh, is that something I can hear on the roof?
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Is it reindeer?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Is she half cut already?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10We're ready for you now!
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Ho, ho, ho. Santa's here.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Oh, good god.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Merry Christmas!- What's this?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Oh, it was your dad's idea for Madison,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24seeing as Sophie can't be here.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Oh, look, Madison, who's this?
0:17:26 > 0:17:31Hello, Madison. Have you been a good girl? Have you, Madison?
0:17:31 > 0:17:32- COLIN:- Eric!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- Have you been a...- Eric! - ..good girl?
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Eric! That's a bit threatening, that, Eric. I'd pitch it up a bit.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Aw, she's still a bit sleepy.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Hold on.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45TOY SQUEAKS
0:17:45 > 0:17:47That's her now.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Right, well, you sit down here, Santa,
0:17:50 > 0:17:54and give Madison all her presents.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Beth, Beth, could I just nip out for a cigarette while this is happening?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01No. That's OK!
0:18:01 > 0:18:02There we go!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Look at the beard.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07What happened to your beard, Santa?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Oh, don't ask. Her pal, Pat.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11What is it?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13That's the same suit that Pat was wearing
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- when she set fire to herself. - She what?!
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Well, she tried to light a fag and the whole beard went up in flames.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Oh, for God's sake.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25It's the flame on that lighter of hers.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26It's like a blowtorch.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Honest to God, when she whips that out at the bus stop,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34you don't know whether she's going to light a fag or fix the pavement.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Are you all right, sweetheart, eh?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- ALL:- Aw.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Oh, Santa, you must be tired after your journey
0:18:42 > 0:18:44all the way from the North Pole, hmm?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I hope you didn't give out any presents to
0:18:47 > 0:18:49anyone in France on the way,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- because they are off the list. - Cathy!
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Right, here you go, Santa, here's the first one.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Col, Beth's an elf.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03And who's this from?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- This is from us.- All right.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Aw, let's see.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Aw, that's nice, Beth. Oh, she loves elephants.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14They love them in China, too. The tusks.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16They put it in the cups of tea in the brothels.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Here's one from us - that's from me and Gordon.
0:19:23 > 0:19:28Oh, look at the card! Look, Christine,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30there's a wee robin on it.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- Is it cash or a voucher?- Voucher.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34SHE TUTS
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Right, so is that us all done?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Erm...
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Oh, don't worry, don't worry.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45No, no, no, no! Colin, where's the, er...? Where's the bag?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- Mmm? - The bag with the pressies in it.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- Oh, er...- Oh, here it is.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Right, er, let's see what we've got.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Boy, oh, boy, let's see what we've got for you.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Now, I'm afraid I haven't had time to wrap it, but it is...
0:20:03 > 0:20:05A beautiful bottle of tonic.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16OK, we're nearly ready.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- It's a wee bit...- Don't!
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Look, are you wanting me to open a tin of beans -
0:20:20 > 0:20:22just fill the plates out a bit?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I am not serving beans with Christmas dinner, Eric!
0:20:25 > 0:20:26We've got loads of sprouts
0:20:26 > 0:20:30and that big Christmas pudding for afters - we'll be fine.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32All right, Christine?
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Aye, fine, Beth. Is that us nearly ready for getting our dinner, then?
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Yes.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Oh, I WILL go just now, then.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43SHE HUMS: O Christmas Tree
0:20:43 > 0:20:45So, you not with the family today, Gordon?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47No, no.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Where are you from, Gordon?
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Yorkshire.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- Hmm?- Near Manchester, the airport where we fly to Dubai from.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Oh, right.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58You'll be giving your folks a wee ring at some point, no?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Colin called his dad earlier to wish him merry Christmas.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Well, I left a message with one of the nurses.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Aw, look! Oh, Colin, look. Isn't she sweet?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- SPLASHING - Oh!
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Pass me a wipe out my bag.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Right, folks, shift your bums up to the table - food's nearly ready.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Two ticks. Gordon's going to phone his mum first.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Oh, I'll do it later.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23No, the food's not out yet - you're fine. Go on.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Oh, crackers! I love crackers. Come on, Ian, let's do one.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32That is shit.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Beth, your crackers are shit!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Hello!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Oh, hiya, Dad.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Yeah, merry Christmas.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I'm good, yeah. Uh-huh.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54That's lovely loo roll with the holly on it, Eric. Very Christmassy.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Christine, Gordon's dad's on the phone.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Oh, well, just a quick word, then.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Merry Christmas. It's Christine here.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Christine. I live next door to Ian's mum.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11What do you mean, "Who's Ian?"
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Ian - Gordon's boyf...
0:22:15 > 0:22:18I'll just pass you back.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Okey dokey.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Here we go! I tell you what - I am ravenous.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Me too - it's all that running about after the wee one.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36OK, that's us, folks.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38THEY CHEER I'm ready for this, I tell you!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- Woohoo!- There you are.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56What's this?
0:22:56 > 0:22:57It's Christmas dinner, Christine.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59It looks like a wee plate of leftovers
0:22:59 > 0:23:01you'd put out for the birds.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03We only thought it was going to be the two of us.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05It's fine - we always eat too much anyway.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07No chance of that the day.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10There's a big Christmas pudding in there for after.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13It looks lovely. Isn't the main thing that we're all here together?
0:23:21 > 0:23:22- All right?- Yeah, fine.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Right, now, who would like gravy?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- Yes.- What's she serving that in - a thimble?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Bon appetit!
0:23:35 > 0:23:36What?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38It's French for "enjoy your..."
0:23:50 > 0:23:56Well, it's maybe not the biggest, but it's absolutely delicious.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Ach, it's a shame Sophie's not here.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Will she get Christmas dinner over there?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Nup. A ham baguette, a strawberry yogurt
0:24:07 > 0:24:08and a bit of Ryanair shortbread.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12God, that's a nightmare. I feel so sorry for her.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- She's not the only one who's had her Christmas ruined.- Sorry?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I'm just saying, Sophie's not the only one who has had her
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- Christmas turned upside down. - You're not wrong there.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23I should be up a mountain right now.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Like, a proper mountain, with a bar at the top
0:24:26 > 0:24:29and a medical centre in case you break your leg
0:24:29 > 0:24:32or your lips go all...dry.
0:24:32 > 0:24:38A-and snow that's properly white, not like the stuff we get here
0:24:38 > 0:24:40that just goes brown and disappears.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43This is the worst Christmas I think I've honestly ever had.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Now, look, Cathy...
0:24:45 > 0:24:46All right, Cath, all right.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Look, there's something I arranged -
0:24:51 > 0:24:55a wee surprise that I was gonnae show you while we were away, but...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59..it might be all right now.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Let's go outside.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Come on, everyone.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Come and see what I got Cathy for Christmas. Come on, grab your coats.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- ERIC: What's he on about? GORDON:- What's this?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- Chilly, isn't it? - Well, there's nothing here.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19It's not out here - it's up there.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- What?- Look up there!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- CHRISTINE:- I cannae see anything.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I have bought you a star.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31SHE GASPS
0:25:31 > 0:25:32- No!- Aye!
0:25:32 > 0:25:36I've adopted a star and it's named after you.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Col.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Beth, I've got a star named after me. What one is it?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Well, er...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47See that... See that big one there?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Oh, wow!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Well, next to that, there's a weer one.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Uh-huh.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58And to the left of that, just down a bit.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00- That one?- What one?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- The one in between the two that are close together.- No, down a bit.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Right.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07So, what did he say?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Oh, not much.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13He was going to find out sooner or later.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Was he all right about it?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- Not too bad.- That's good.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18I'm glad.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Must be a weight off your mind.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Are you still going to go down and see them at New Year?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25No.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Not a cloud in the sky, eh, Beth?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I know.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Makes you think, doesn't it?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Yes, it does.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Makes you think...
0:26:35 > 0:26:39..there are worse places to live than this, eh?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Oh, I see it, I see it! Look!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45What did you call it?
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Cathy.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Oh!
0:26:49 > 0:26:56Beth, look! That's me. That's my star! I'm a star, in the sky!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Fuck this. I'm wanting my pudding.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Come here, you.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Merry Christmas.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I mean, Gordon, all right,
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Sophie didnae make it home, we've had fuck all to eat
0:27:22 > 0:27:25and Madison got a bottle of tonic water for her Christmas,
0:27:25 > 0:27:29but in the grand scheme of things, could've been a lot worse, eh?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Yeah.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34OK, who fancies Christmas pudding?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- Me!- Oh, yes!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Make some space.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42That's it. Move that there.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Here it comes!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Ho, ho, ho!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52THEY CHEER
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Here he is - Santa Eric!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- SHE CHANTS:- Santa Claus, Santa Claus!
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Are you ready?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02ALL: Yes!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06ALL: Ooh!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08THEY YELL
0:28:08 > 0:28:10# Who's got a beard that's long and white?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# Santa's got a beard that's long and white
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# Who comes round on a special night?
0:28:14 > 0:28:15# Santa comes round on a special night
0:28:15 > 0:28:17# Special night, beard that's white
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# Must be Santa, must be Santa
0:28:20 > 0:28:23# Must be Santa, Santa Claus
0:28:26 > 0:28:27# Who wears boots and a suit of red?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# Santa wears boots and a suit of red
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# Who wears a long cap on his head?
0:28:31 > 0:28:33# Santa wears a long cap on his head
0:28:33 > 0:28:34# Cap on head, suit that's red
0:28:34 > 0:28:36# Special night, beard that's white. #