0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:00:15 > 0:00:20# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# And a pack of plain, please. #
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- Gaz, why haven't you got a girlfriend?- Cos I like my freedom.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44I'm a man about town. A man of mystery. See all, say nothing.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Hey, yeah, that's just like me nan, you know.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Since her lobotomy, you know.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Sees all, says nothing.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Eats a bit of shepherd's pie, says nothing.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04No, I go with the flow, keep it casual.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Single dude with his mind on his...
0:01:06 > 0:01:12Food? If you were to go out with a woman, what would she be like?
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Blonde. Definitely blonde. I've never dated a brunette in my life.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21- How come?- I had Sue Lawley nightmares as a child.- Hmm.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26- OK, so she's blonde. What else? - Nice smile, well-stocked fridge.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Takes me to the pictures on me birthday.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Has a Ford Mondeo.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Lets me stay out as late as I want.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41You've just described your mother.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Eurgh. Oh, no!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I'm picturing me mum naked now.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Eurgh! Eurgh! Get out!
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- Eurgh!- Oh, no, no! I am, as well! EURGH!
0:01:56 > 0:02:00We look like we're auditioning for Rainman.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Maybe I should get myself a girlfriend.
0:02:07 > 0:02:14Stick to your role as single friend so you can get me out of the house while Janet delouses the sofa.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18I'll stick to my pornography. It won't embarrass me in the pub.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Donna?- No!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Why?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- Janet?- No.- Why? I'm a student.
0:02:39 > 0:02:45- I can't afford cigarettes. - Get a job, Louise, then you can finance your own lung cancer.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- I've never had a job.- Like the Queen?
0:02:47 > 0:02:54- Yeah, but with better hair. - There's a job going here. You'd make a great barmaid, being Australian.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59- I'm English.- Your capacity for alcohol confuses me sometimes.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04You're right. I'd make a great barmaid, even without experience.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08More wine, gentlemen? Oh, capital idea. Cinzano, ladies?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11You're spoiling us! Here's 20 quid!
0:03:11 > 0:03:19Louise, it's a job in the Mayhew. People here are happy if their beer doesn't taste too much like beef.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I'm going to apply and be the best barmaid you've ever seen
0:03:23 > 0:03:28- and then I'll buy us all fags. - I'd better get off.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Jonny'll be home soon.
0:03:30 > 0:03:35- I wish I had a boyfriend. - You could easily get a boyfriend.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- What about that Colin? - What, the drain guy?
0:03:38 > 0:03:45"I like you. You're like a rat. It's all in the face!" There are no men left.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50- You can find one on every street corner.- No, that's whores, Janet.
0:03:50 > 0:03:57- Why don't you come home with me? Jonny brings his mate Gaz back on a Thursday.- Is he nice?
0:03:57 > 0:04:02He's a bit thick and very masculine, so commitment might be a problem.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07- But Jonny did say he was hung like a donkey.- Sounds all right, then.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12I've got an interview tomorrow. Pernod and black, ladies?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14No!
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- How did you keep Jonny? - I got into his head,
0:04:19 > 0:04:23a bit of male psychological manipulation.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27And getting my baps out didn't do any harm either.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- Hiya.- All right?
0:04:31 > 0:04:36- Hello.- Hello, baby.- Hiya, Donna. Gaz, you haven't met Donna, have you?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- No.- You picked us up from football once.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Right! Didn't recognise you without the BO.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48So, are you still into your football, then?
0:04:48 > 0:04:52I don't play as much since the injury.
0:04:52 > 0:04:57- It was only a bruise.- The doctor said I had a strained bollock.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Yes, that's the medical term for it.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05- Donna loves football, don't you? - Man United - away the Toon Army.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08That's Newcastle.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12You didn't let me finish. The Toon Army...stinks.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17- I don't like Newcastle either. - There's no Miss Selfridges there.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22Ignore him. He hasn't got a clue about football. ..God, I'm starving.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- We should've picked up that curry. - Donna likes a curry. ..Don't you?
0:05:26 > 0:05:31Vindaloo, yeah, with pickled whole chillies on the side.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Christ! I wouldn't like to see your bathroom the next morning.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38No, not at all. Arse of steel, me.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42She could pass a cruise liner, could our Donna.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- I'm impressed.- Really?- Yeah?
0:05:45 > 0:05:49It's always impressive to men when a girl's skill lies in crapping.
0:05:51 > 0:05:57- And she can drink too, can't you, Don?- Oh, aye, yeah. Five pints, still standing.
0:05:57 > 0:06:03- Five pints ain't that much.- Did I say five? I meant five...teen pints.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05What a great bloke.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12You're not gay, are you, love?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13No.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18- Celibate?- No.- That is something you don't want to be doing.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Once you dry up, it never comes back.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I've got no intention of drying up.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Your Auntie Betty, the nun, creaks when she walks now.
0:06:29 > 0:06:34Remember cousin Jade's christening? Betty, late, running into the church,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37sounded like a seal sanctuary!
0:06:38 > 0:06:43Well, I'm not gay or celibate or creaky.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49What is it, then? Do you just repel men?
0:06:49 > 0:06:55- I've got a date.- Don't wound me with your desperate lies. A mother knows.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- I'm not lying.- So what's his name?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01It's...Gaz.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Gaz?
0:07:04 > 0:07:09My God. Sebastian or Toby too much to ask for?
0:07:10 > 0:07:14- They're labrador names. - Beggars can't be choosers!
0:07:14 > 0:07:19Janet? It's me. ..Yeah, right. I need a man. ..Well, what about Gaz?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43That's my first question answered. What?
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Do you smoke? I've not got a habit, or anything.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50You've already smoked that down to the filter!
0:07:50 > 0:07:55I was finishing it for a friend. But there's no-one else here.
0:07:55 > 0:08:02Either you have smoked that cigarette in 30 seconds flat or you've picked an old butt out of the ashtray...
0:08:03 > 0:08:09I see. Listen...can we start again, please?
0:08:09 > 0:08:14OK. First question. Do you smoke? No.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17OK. Have you ever worked in a bar before?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Not exactly, but I used to play netball.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Excuse me?
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Teamwork!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26See?
0:08:26 > 0:08:30We've got lots of candidates to... SHE WHINES
0:08:30 > 0:08:32That means you hate me.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37And I'm so nice. Listen, I really need this job. I'm a student.
0:08:37 > 0:08:42We need experience, a team player. Ah-ha!
0:08:43 > 0:08:48Yeah, lovely. Please, I can't afford to eat.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52This should keep you going for an hour or so.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- Oh!- Here you are.- Ah.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Gaz and Donna got on well, didn't they?
0:09:11 > 0:09:17I am not setting them up. Gaz does not want a girlfriend, end of story.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26- If you don't do this for me, then...I will cry.- Go on, then.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- Well, OK.- All right.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33MOCK SOBBING
0:09:35 > 0:09:37SHE WAILS
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Jonny, look what you're doing! Look at...!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50SHE SCREECHES
0:09:50 > 0:09:55No crying in the kitchen. You'll upset my cosmic balance.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Until you ask Gaz out, I am not going to have sex with you.
0:10:01 > 0:10:07- Janet, you know I can hold out longer than any other man I know. - Yeah, I know.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Look, I don't want Gaz to go out with Donna.
0:10:11 > 0:10:18It'll be Scrabble evenings and fondue parties and you'll follow us around making us biscuits.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20But you love biscuits.
0:10:20 > 0:10:26- We can go to the circus together, it'll be fun.- No, it won't.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28We'll turn into coupley couples.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33I saw it happen to my mum and dad and Mr and Mrs Pritchard.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36First came rambling weekends and museum visits,
0:10:36 > 0:10:43and then they met these other couples and started this weird car key swapping thing.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47That WAS a joke, wasn't it?
0:10:47 > 0:10:52- What's so funny about driving someone else's car?- Nothing.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59- Jonny's definitely gonna ask Gaz, then?- Definitely.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- Or I'll tell Gaz what his favourite film is.- What is it?
0:11:03 > 0:11:11- Titanic. I don't know if it's the sentimentality or Kate Winslet's tits, but he's seen it 17 times.- 17?
0:11:11 > 0:11:16- That's more times than I've seen naked men.- How many have you seen?
0:11:16 > 0:11:21- 16 and a half.- Half? - He only had one bollock.- Nice.
0:11:21 > 0:11:28With my expert blackmailing skills and Jonny's powers of persuasion, the date is as good as secured.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- Gaz?- Yeah? - D'you wanna go out with Donna?- No.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- Pint, then?- Yeah.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- Two pints of lager. - And a packet of crisps, please.
0:11:41 > 0:11:46- Excuse me?- Yeah?- Did Louise get the job?- No.- Why not?
0:11:46 > 0:11:51She had a great set and fantastic ball skills, but she was a complete dickhead.
0:11:51 > 0:11:57She wants to be noted for her talents rather than her...huge CV.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- How impressive(!) - She puts out for a bag of peanuts.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13What does this Gaz boy do, then?
0:12:13 > 0:12:19Is he a doctor? You girls with your modern ways only get to meet doctors.
0:12:19 > 0:12:26- I don't know any.- What about when you went to Dr Brent for your knicker trouble?- Mum, firstly, I was 13.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Secondly, the problem was thrush.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33The only knicker trouble was the nylon variety you insisted I wear.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38You don't want to get a chill down there. And don't say thrush.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Say, "Little bird."
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Although mine was more like the greater burning yeast pigeon.
0:12:48 > 0:12:53You'll never get a man with a mouth like a hairy arsed navvy.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I told you already. I've got a date.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16- I asked Gaz, he said no.- Why are you so against seeing our friends happy?
0:13:16 > 0:13:21I'm not. Gaz is very happily jerking his gherkin in his flat as we speak.
0:13:21 > 0:13:28- How d'you know? You can be too close to a person. - Well, Hollyoaks is on.- OK.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40More peanuts?
0:13:52 > 0:13:57- What star sign are you? - Aries. The ram, of course.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02It says here you are ruthless, ambitious and sporty.
0:14:02 > 0:14:08- Sounds about right.- And that your best feature is your perfect bosom.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Belters, aren't they?- All right!
0:14:17 > 0:14:24- I told you you could be too close to a person?- This is the boys' pub! - BOTH: No girls allowed!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- Gaz, go on this date.- No. - Pint, then?- Yeah.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Oh, come on Gaz. Donna's great for you.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35- She's strong and feminine... - Like a really good deodorant?
0:14:35 > 0:14:40- Like Susan Sarandon.- Susan Sarandon, ginger pubes - end of story.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47- She can cook.- So can Gary Rhodes. ..I'm not attracted to Gary Rhodes.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51If he could clean as well I'd slip him one.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Please. I'll do whatever you want.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59- If Jonny doesn't mind...- Go for it. - Not that!- You have nothing I want.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I have a signed photo of Adam Woodyatt!
0:15:08 > 0:15:12No. Although very generous.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Oh, come on, Gaz, I've promised her now.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- She puts out for a bag of peanuts. - Does she?!
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- No!- Jonny, what's your favourite film again?
0:15:25 > 0:15:30- Goodfellas.- Oh, really? You see, I seemed to think that it was...
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Gaz, you should go out with her. It's only one night.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39OK, but if she offers me a Woodbine or scratches her balls, I'm off.
0:15:39 > 0:15:47- The other night, she was trying to impress you cos she fancies you so much.- No girls allowed.- All right!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56So, she really fancies me.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Donna fancies me loads.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I'm sorry, mate, I just...
0:16:03 > 0:16:08- What is that look on your face? - I'm smug, Jonny.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I'm really smug.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- What are you wearing?! - My dress for my date.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24My God! I thought it were one of my housecoats.
0:16:24 > 0:16:30- I have also had my hair done.- Yes, I think it looks rather...- What?!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Like a cat's been sick on it?!
0:16:32 > 0:16:37- No, I think it looks rather nice, actually.- Oh, well, thank you.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42Mind, if I were you I'd have asked them to hide my ears.
0:16:42 > 0:16:48- Just wish me luck.- Remember, use the Morgan family charm. - Our second name's Henshaw.
0:16:48 > 0:16:54Yeah, but that Marie Morgan you used to play with, she were lovely.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59There you go.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06Two pints of Guinness. I told you I'd make a great barmaid.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09It's like drinking a cloud.
0:17:09 > 0:17:15Thank you. I'll stand here and listen to what you're saying about me.
0:17:15 > 0:17:21- Louise, can you just go and get me a Cinzano? - My first Cinzano! Ice and lemon?
0:17:21 > 0:17:27- We don't care if you put arse in it! Just go.- We have amusing straws.- Go!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Just go. We are the couples and no singles allowed.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36What is wrong with you? You look like you've started your period.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40It's good all this double dating, innit?
0:17:40 > 0:17:45Great! A round is twice as expensive, we have to talk about emotions,
0:17:45 > 0:17:49and we can't stare at other women's tits. Fantastic!
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- You're ruining this. - That's the plan.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- We don't have to talk about emotions.- We can talk football.
0:17:56 > 0:18:01Because you're such a big United fan, aren't you, Donna?
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- I'm a City fan myself, so... - Well, they're...nice.
0:18:05 > 0:18:11- How long have you been supporting United then, Donna? I'd love to know.- Jonny!
0:18:11 > 0:18:17- Since I was seven.- Oh, right, so that would be, what? 1985.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22Yeah. Who was the star player back then? I can't remember.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Well, that would be Jonny...
0:18:26 > 0:18:29..van der...Gaz.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Jonny van der Gaz?!
0:18:33 > 0:18:38- Can we talk about something else? - Oh, OK. Donna, your last boyfriend,
0:18:38 > 0:18:43- he dumped you?- But who am I to argue with men in small shorts?!- Yeah.
0:18:43 > 0:18:50- What did you do?- Got on with my life. Don't let the bastards grind you down.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52You got on with your life,
0:18:52 > 0:18:58- after you'd slept with his best mate and killed his budgie.- Stop it!
0:18:58 > 0:19:03It wasn't me who killed the budgie, Jonny, it was the Domestos.
0:19:03 > 0:19:08- What are you acting so weird for? - If you don't stop, I'm going.- Donna,
0:19:08 > 0:19:13what about the time when you drank so much Vermouth your wee turned black?
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- I'd love to explore that in more depth.- That's it. I'm going!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- Er...films.- Everybody likes films.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31- Who's your favourite, Pacino or de Niro?- He hates brunettes.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Who's your favourite, Solskjaer or Owen?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- I'd have to say Michael Owen.- Why?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Michael Owen...- Yes? - ..has a lovely, lovely smile.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Ha!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- We should do this again.- I get it.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50You're getting to know each other.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54You're gonna move to suburbia and have tiny little babies.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59You are set for a life of Ikea, weird parent-style sex and Boggle!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02OK? I can't watch this any more.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06It's over between you and me, Gaz. It's over.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11You can take this cheap piece of tin I bought off you!
0:20:11 > 0:20:17Heed my words. A relationship arising out of a blind date is doomed!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- I don't feel too doomed.- Me neither.
0:20:28 > 0:20:36All right. Whose undies would you prefer to eat? David Hasselhof's or Peter Stringfellow's?
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Peter Stringfellow wears a G-string, so I could floss my teeth with them.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46It would also make an interestingly flavoured alternative to gum.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51Where would you prefer to be? The cup final, or here with me?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Cup final.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58You'd prefer to be at the cup final?
0:20:58 > 0:21:03- Of course.- Whenever I meet a nice man, football gets in the way.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You sound like Graham Le Saux!
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Don't go! It depends what the seats were like!
0:21:09 > 0:21:13I beg your pardon?! Come on. Your mates said.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17It'll only take 20 seconds. I'm fat, desperate and inexperienced.
0:21:17 > 0:21:25I quit! I can't believe someone like me would want to work in this dump in the first place you...sheister!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I'm worth a bag of peanuts, love!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Fancy a mouthful of salty nuts?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- All right?- Hiya. Where's Gaz?
0:21:44 > 0:21:49Hopefully lying in a pool of vomit somewhere being buggered by Mr T.
0:21:50 > 0:21:56What did he do? I mean, Face or Hannibal maybe, but Mr T?
0:21:56 > 0:22:03Just once in my short, sexually unsatisfying life, I thought I'd met someone who could...
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- Give you one? - No! I just wanted what you've got.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12Somebody who gives you toast the morning after instead of crabs.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Now, you and Janet, you were meant to be.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18You've got something special there,
0:22:18 > 0:22:24and to live with each other and bounce back after all those setbacks and to just love each other.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31Not for me. I have to resign myself to married bouncers with perms,
0:22:31 > 0:22:36endlessly waiting for the cold fingers of death to grip my heart
0:22:36 > 0:22:40and end the loneliness that's curdled the milk of my life.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44- Usual, love?- Cheers, Haman. Thanks.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Look, whatever Gaz said I'm sure he didn't mean it.
0:22:48 > 0:22:55- He'd rather go to the cup final than be with me. - Oh, well, maybe he did mean it,
0:22:55 > 0:22:59but you should never ask a man that question again.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02It's the cup final!
0:23:02 > 0:23:05You could tell he liked you,
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- Really?- Yeah. Don't ruin something that could be really special.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Look, I'll give you his number.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- There you go.- You know what, Jonny?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20What?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Janet's really lucky. Thanks.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34DOORBELL RINGS
0:23:37 > 0:23:42- Thank God for Jonny, eh? - I'm sorry.- That's all right.
0:23:48 > 0:23:54- Relationships, eh?- Monogamy should be obsolete.- I like that concept.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58If you wanted to sleep with someone, you could just say it.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02That's an excellent, excellent brain you've got there.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04And nobody would use the C word.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08We've got to have a pet name for the Leeds United fans.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Commitment!
0:24:16 > 0:24:20Donna...I think I'm not falling in love with you.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24D'you want some wine? It's Blue Nun.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I've had enough. Coffee, though.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02What's this?
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Er...that...that...that, er...
0:25:07 > 0:25:09That would be porn, yeah.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Jonny was right. There are no good men out there.
0:25:15 > 0:25:20- Don't tell me you're against pornography?!- I'm fine with porn.
0:25:20 > 0:25:27I'm not fine with enough porn to keep the entire British forces from missing their girlfriends.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30It's not mine. I'm looking after it for a friend.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Who's your friend? Hugh Heffner?!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38It's just pictures. It's art.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Art? Half a sheep in formaldehyde is art!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45You're a dirty little scumbag
0:25:45 > 0:25:48and you're not fit to lick my boots...!
0:25:48 > 0:25:53Oh, my God! You're getting turned on by this, aren't you?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55No, Mistress.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I was so wrong about you.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Yeah, you were. Leave me to clean up my porn in peace.
0:26:02 > 0:26:08I'm off, you slug, with your porn, your teeth, your hair, your lovely tight jeans and your...
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Porn?- And your porn. I'm off!
0:26:12 > 0:26:17- Fine!- Fine!- Fine! - Well, I'm going!- Good!
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- Unless you want to shag me first! - I do.- Come on, then!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Eurgh! Jonny, I think I've mutated.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42That's just minced-up cow's guts. It'll come off.
0:26:42 > 0:26:50That's all right, then. Why didn't you follow me out the pub? Most boyfriends would have done.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54I could've been raped or pillaged, whatever pillaging is.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I think they stick something hot in your ear.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02You ruined their chances so you and Gaz can do your own coupley things.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07Why don't you move in with Gaz? I bet he can't lick his own nipples.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12- It was really cruel of you. - Can I get a word in?
0:27:12 > 0:27:17- PHONE RINGS - Hello. ..Yeah, Donna, hiya. I know.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Bloody Jonny. I've had a word...
0:27:20 > 0:27:24What? Did he? ..What, Jonny did?
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Did you?! You dirty, dirty girl!
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Two hours?! No way! I bet his face was sore.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I don't need to say anything.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45I'm the hero...and I want my reward.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48You know what to do.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00MUSIC ON TV: "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion
0:28:09 > 0:28:14He really has left me. He's not been back all night.
0:28:14 > 0:28:19- I should've taken his bastardry more seriously.- There, there.
0:28:19 > 0:28:25He's probably shacked up with some aerobics instructor who actually cleans the oven!
0:28:25 > 0:28:28He's probably just been run over or something.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Subtitles by Neil Gemmill BBC Scotland - 2001
0:28:32 > 0:28:34E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk