0:00:02 > 0:00:04- I met someone. He's really great.- Oh!
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- I can't leave you. - SHE SIGHS
0:00:06 > 0:00:08I've fallen in love with ya.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11- I don't want Gaz to come to London - I'm gonna to tell him.- Oh!
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Has Janet told you I know you don't love me and I'm having an affair with Janet?
0:00:18 > 0:00:19Urrgh!
0:00:19 > 0:00:20Oh!
0:00:20 > 0:00:22BABY CRIES
0:00:25 > 0:00:26SHE MOUTHS
0:00:31 > 0:00:33# Hey, Mr Bartender
0:00:33 > 0:00:34# Give me a drink
0:00:34 > 0:00:36# I want a cold, wet glass
0:00:36 > 0:00:37# With bubbles in it
0:00:40 > 0:00:42# But that doesn't mean I can't
0:00:42 > 0:00:44# Handle anything stronger now
0:00:44 > 0:00:46# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:46 > 0:00:49# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:00:50 > 0:00:53# And a pack of flakies. #
0:00:57 > 0:01:00GIGGLING
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Oh, no.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Don't wanna ruin the romantic mood with the smell of Jonny's ears.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06You're a special candle.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Yes, you are, yes, you are, little candle.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Mmm. Mwah.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Eugh.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Oh! An inscription.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Oh, no, my mistake, just a stray pube.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Corinthian's down finally, had to sing him to sleep.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Aw, you're so good with him.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31- Iron Maiden?- Prodigy.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36# Smack me bitch up. Smack me bitch up.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39# Smack my bitch up. Smack my bitch up. #
0:01:39 > 0:01:40THEY LAUGH
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Bless him, he's so musically advanced for a child his age.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I heard him singing.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- Really?- Mmm. - He must be one of them geniuses.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50He's like that composer. The deaf one.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Leppard?
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Yeah.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56We just have to wait for the babysitter and we can go out.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00- I thought we were staying in tonight.- Why?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Because you said, "Our first night together as a proper couple.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05"Ooh, I'm so excited."
0:02:05 > 0:02:09You finished that in your head by saying, "I'm excited to be staying in"?
0:02:09 > 0:02:13No. I finished it with, "Ooh, I'm so excited to be mainly staying in,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"but nipping to ASDA - we're out of bog roll."
0:02:15 > 0:02:18What the hell have I just wiped me arse with?
0:02:19 > 0:02:24- I've no idea, shall I check the flannels?- No, no, it's all right.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Why, what did you use? - Nothing. It was a ghost shit.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Eugh, Gaz!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32No, it didn't need wiping. Turned round, it was gone.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34SHE LAUGHS Like a thief in the night.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37The brown pimpernel.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42- Aw, Gaz. That's so...horrible. - So, come on,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45we can rob some bog roll from The Archer.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46The Archer?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50We're going for our first night out as a proper couple to The Archer?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52What's the point of that? Unless...
0:02:53 > 0:02:55# Near, far
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- # Wherever... # - There's no karaoke.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Oh, then what's the point?
0:02:59 > 0:03:00So people can see us.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Why do you want that? They see us all the time.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Not together. Making a statement.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08You know, Janet for Gaz, Gaz loves Janet.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Gaz is 100% fit.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Lick Gaz's bollocks.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15What kind of statement is that?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17That last one was a request.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Gaz, you haven't wiped your arse.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Would you eat in a restaurant next to a sewage works?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Men have to do it all the time.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30And frankly, Janet, your steak sometimes is a bit undercooked.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Oh! Fine. We'll go out.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I thought when you said, "Together," you meant staying in,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38watching telly, while Corinthian's asleep.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Living the dream there, Janet, don't over-excite yourself.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Euch.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Where do these pubes keep coming from?
0:03:45 > 0:03:49They're not ours - they're stout and taste of feta.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52It's like kissing a Greek grandmother.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- What time's the babysitter coming? - She should be here by now.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Who did you get? Rachel?
0:03:56 > 0:04:00God, no. Can't stand her. Got no tits whatsoever.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Corinthian's not used to it. - The poor thing can't help it.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06She's got an eating disorder.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09She's a self-harmer. And a bit of a druggie.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Shit, why do I keep employing her? Am I mad?
0:04:11 > 0:04:15No, you just think people deserve a second chance.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Mmm.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18And she's like three quid an hour, so...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Who did you get then? Ffiona? Ffiona with two Fs.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25What you talking about? Two Fs? She's a C cup at most.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28No, she spells her name with two Fs.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Fionaf?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- What are you talking about?- No.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35F-F-Fiona.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You can take the piss out of anorexic Rachel,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41but I draw the line at stuttering.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I myself suffered for a long time with me speech.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Oh, Gaz, really?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Yup. From the ages of zero to two I barely said a word.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Knobhead. - HE CHUCKLES
0:04:50 > 0:04:53My first word was antidisestablishmentarianism.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- Was it?- Hold on. No, plop-plop. That was it.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01So, who did you get then? Please don't say my mum.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I hate her seeing me pissed around the baby. She's so judgemental.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06No, I got Shirley.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Who?- Shirley. You know, Bald Shirley.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Bald Shirley, your ex?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15How many bald Shirleys do you know?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Six, since the power station had that leak.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Yeah, then, that one.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- Your frigging ex, Gaz? - Well, she was hardly me ex.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28She was more of a bald woman I shagged for a bet.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I'd heard she'd let you stick it in her ear, so I thought...
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I've always wanted to get inside a woman's mind.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40No. No! There is absolutely no way your ex is looking after my baby.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Our baby. What were you thinking?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48That I could have a night out with my beautiful girlfriend -
0:05:48 > 0:05:50show the world how serious we are about each other.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Oh.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55No, no. If you don't trust Bald Shirley - single mother of six kids,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58girl guide leader, home economics teacher -
0:05:58 > 0:06:00to look after Corinthian for a few hours, then, no.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- I'll phone her and cancel. - Well, fine. Good.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- I will. - Well, what are you waiting for?
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Well... Would you let Donna look after Corinthian?
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Well, yeah, course I would.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- I did before she moved to that London.- Donna's me ex.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16No, that's different. I know Donna.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- And I know Bald Shirley. - OK, fine, but we both know Donna.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Would you let Harriet from the bakery look after him?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Well, that's different.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27I don't know this Harriet person.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31She doesn't have a description before her name. Who is she to me?
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Happy Harriet? Hairy Harriet?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Horny Harriet?- Oh.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Halitosis Harriet. She's got a rotten tooth.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Why doesn't she have it out?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- It's her only one. Right there at the front. - SHE LAUGHS
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Good at opening beans if you can't find an opener.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48But you'd let her look after Corinthian?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Yes, yes, OK, I would, Gaz. Happy? - Not really, no.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54But you can see where I'm coming from, right? I mean...
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- You know, since Jonny died... - Oh, for God's sake!
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- What?- Everything you try to get out of and try to avoid talking about.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03You just say,
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- "Since Jonny died..."- Oh! I do not!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Yes, you do. "Sorry, officer. Since Jonny died,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12"I feel the need to wee outside when I'm pissed.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15"Sorry, Louise, since Jonny died, I need to borrow a fiver.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20"Sorry, Gaz, since Jonny died, I must use him so I can be a frigging martyr for ever, poor me."
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Sorry.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I'm sure you are.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28No, I mean...it was out of order. Sorry.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31It's just... You know, since Jonny died...
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Sorry, Gaz.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39It really smarts hearing you accuse me of using Jonny like that.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Oh, I was just being a dick.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Honest to God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Aww, old Dickhead Gaz.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50SHE LAUGHS Is that what they call me?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53No. They don't use Old.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57What? Gaz is a very common name, we have to distinguish.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58What's yours?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Jugs, naturally.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Yeah, I remember me and Jonny coming up with that.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Jonny wanted to go with the name...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- What?- It doesn't matter.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12No, come on, tell me.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17What was it? Jaunty Janet? GI Janet? Jap's eye Janet?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21No, it was Jonny's Janet.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Shitter.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- This isn't going to go away, is it? - No, it's not.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Then I agree, shitter.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- SHE SIGHS - I think we should talk this through.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- We won't have time before Bald Shirley. - She's not looking after Corinthian!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40We're back to this! Whoop-de-bastard-do!
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Will you call her and cancel?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- We need to talk.- Fine.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Fine, I will.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48What are you waiting for?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I don't technically have her phone number.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54So how did you ask her to babysit?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57She was throwing up outside Bargain Booze on Friday - I gave her a lift.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Oh, so she's a drunk too?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04She wasn't drunk. She had a projectile stomach bug. From both ends.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07I had to give her a carrier bag to sit on in the van.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Oh, my God.- The passenger side doesn't exactly smell of roses.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Although you could probably grow roses in what she left on the upholstery.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Gaz, I've sat there!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18I told you not to wear a skirt!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Back of your legs looked like you had a really bad spray tan.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Oh! Well, she can't look after a baby.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Not with a bug. Corinthian can catch all sorts at his age.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Ain't it better we get his illnesses out the way now?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31So his immune system's strong?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Oh, yes, so instead of taking him for his vaccines,
0:09:34 > 0:09:38I'll just send him back to 14th-century London to eat some syphilitic turds?
0:09:38 > 0:09:42That's just stupid. Unless you have a time machine.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- Do you have a time machine? - No, Gaz. If I had,
0:09:44 > 0:09:46we wouldn't be having this conversation.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Oh, yeah, cos we'd be in the swinging sixties, not using condoms, and avoiding the war!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- What war?- You know, the war. Bang, bang.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Oh, yes, the bang-bang one(!) No, Gaz, if I had a time machine,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00we wouldn't be here, because Jonny'd still be alive.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02You'd be with Donna, me with Jonny, everything normal...
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- What?- Nothing.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09No, but...what? Your face has gone all weird.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Have you pulled your fly up on your cock? Shall I get mayonnaise?
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Yes, Janet, yes.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I'm that disgusting - I pull my zip up and down
0:10:16 > 0:10:20at all times of the day cos I love catching my bell-end in the metal teeth.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I know you do, that's why I'm asking.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25No, not this time. Hold the mayo.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29- What, then? - It's just what you said then.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31If Jonny wasn't dead, we wouldn't be together.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Well, would we?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Yeah, I reckon so. I don't know! We slept together while he was alive.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42Yeah, well, that was a mistake. A really, hornily amazing mistake.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43- Shall we do it now?- No.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Remember the rule! Not while talking about my dead husband.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Look, Janet, listen, listen, right.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I don't like that fact that it makes me glad that he's dead.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55You know? Don't you feel the same? Don't you love me?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Of course I love you. More than anything. - SHE SIGHS
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Then...then... Don't...
0:11:00 > 0:11:05Don't you agree, in some small way, you're glad that he's...dead?
0:11:08 > 0:11:09No, you twat!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- What?- How could you ask me that?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14How could you ask if I'm glad he's dead?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I'm starting to regret it!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I would give anything for him to be alive.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21For him still to be alive for one day, one minute, one second!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- What could you do in a second? - It's Jonny.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Oh, yeah. SHE SIGHS
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Oh, this is pointless discussing.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Cool, let's go out.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I mean, the first few months were the worst.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34God!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I mean... Were they?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I used to wake up every morning and forget,
0:11:40 > 0:11:44before the whole pile of wank had come crashing down around my ears.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48That's similar to what Bald Shirley used to say.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51There's no waking up from this. There's no, "It was all a dream."
0:11:51 > 0:11:53He's just...gone.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56What if Jonny did come back?
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- How, exactly?- How about it was a case of mistaken identity?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Someone stole his passport, he's out there, having lost his memory.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Oh, please.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Could have a secret twin brother - that's who was killed.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13- I don't think so.- He could come back in the shower? Like JR.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Jonathan Ross didn't come back in the shower.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- No, JR from Dallas.- No...
0:12:18 > 0:12:20JR from London.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- All right, what if Jonny... - Why are you being a total wanker?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Cos I've just realised I'm jealous of a dead man.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- What do you want me to do? - There's nothing you can do.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Oh, come on. I want this to work.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- It can't, if you're in love with your husband.- He's dead. I love you.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- And him?- No...no, Gaz, I was with Jonny for six years.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40You can't still be in love for that long.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- Really?- Really.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- So how long have I got?- Till when?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Until you fall out of love with me.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Oh, you've got a couple of years left yet.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- A couple of years!- Well... three.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56And then what?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- Then it'll be more like brother and sister.- Oh, my God.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- Hold on.- No, Gaz.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Not like the twins in Oh, Brother, Go Arse Now.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10So what happens then?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Well, first the sex falls away a bit.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Wh-wh-what exactly falls away?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Cos a prolapsed uterus might just put me off my stroke.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Nothing falls out or off. You just stop having it as much.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24How much? Precisely how much?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- I don't know, like...twice a week. - Twice a week!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Gaz, you didn't think we could keep this level up for ever,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32my clitoris would sand off.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34That was my ultimate goal.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37If it wasn't there, I wouldn't have to give it so much attention.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40So, where'd be the fun for me, then?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42My happiness would be reward enough.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Look at this grateful smile.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49See? Isn't this a face you'd like to use as a chair?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I'd like to stand on it to change light bulbs, yes.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54You and Donna were together ages.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Surely you weren't at it like rabbits.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Course we were. Night and day. Till the end...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01HE GROANS
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Bollocks.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05So you were sleeping with us both?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Where's Bald Shirley?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I'll nip to Bargain Booze, see if she's there.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- Sometimes she falls in a skip.- Gaz.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17When you say sleeping together, that's a whole shitload of meaning, isn't it?
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Because...
0:14:18 > 0:14:22We lived together, so of course we slept together - when we were tired.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Were you sleeping together like rabbits?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Were you dozing like the cast of Skins?
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Were you off to dreamy bye-byes like Viagra-soaked dolphins?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Dolphins?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Yes, they're the only animal other than humans to have sex for fun.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Really? Cos I've been to the zoo and them tiny little monkeys
0:14:40 > 0:14:42look pretty bloody pleased with themselves.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46- You're changing the subject. - You brought up dolphins!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Hey, do you remember Flipper? Right, do you think he had sex for fun?
0:14:49 > 0:14:53You think his relationship with that teenage boy was platonic?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- SHE SIGHS - Gaz.- If that's true, that was a sinister show.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Gaz! Were you sleeping with Donna when we got together?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02No.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Really?- Yeah.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Yes, you were, or yes, you weren't?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Weren't what?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Sleeping together.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11When?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- When what?- Ahh! You're just trying to confuse me!
0:15:15 > 0:15:18It's better than admitting I was still banging Donna...
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Oooh.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Bollocks.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25How dare she sleep with you while I was secretly sleeping with you?
0:15:25 > 0:15:26I'll kill her.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Right. Now you know how she felt.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Fine, I'll kill you. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I didn't want to arouse suspicion.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38It was hard enough having three showers a day to get the various juices off me thighs.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42Three? Me, Donna... Who was the other one for?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44That one was just for me.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- Men cannot just live by head alone. - Mmm.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49You really had your cake and ate it, didn't you?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Nearly gave myself lockjaw in the process.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55I can't believe you would do this to me!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Well, as I recall, you did it right back to me, Janet.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01There wasn't so much of, "Since Jonny died," then, was there?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- "Since Jonny died, I've been so lonely I've seduced my friend's boyfriend."- How dare you?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08"Since Jonny died, I've not shaved my legs much."
0:16:08 > 0:16:09- I've always done that!- Really?
0:16:09 > 0:16:13You might want to look at that - it's like sleeping with Abdul.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Makes a change from Bald Shirley, I suppose.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Yeah, when she was naked, she looked like a fat-titted baby.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22I'm going to check on Corinthian.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Don't worry about it, he's not got fat tits.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26I need to check on my baby!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Because he's all I've got.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Shit bags!
0:16:39 > 0:16:40SMASHING
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- What was that?- What?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49I heard the sound of earwax hitting plasterboard.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53You didn't. Tell me you didn't.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- All right, I didn't.- You did!
0:16:56 > 0:17:00SHE CRIES Well, I was angry. Who hasn't thrown a dog turd at a wall in anger?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03This is no dog turd! Don't be disgusting.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04It was years of Jonny's waxy build-up.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Well, that's pleasant(!)
0:17:07 > 0:17:12- It was for Corinthian's wedding! - Corinthian's getting married?
0:17:12 > 0:17:13One day he will be!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- He'll never have a special candle from his daddy.- I'll make him one!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18My ears are filthy.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19It won't be the same.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21No, no, honest to God, it will.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Once, I had them syringed, and a cricket fell out.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Sure it wasn't your stupid brain?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Not completely, no.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32The one thing I had left of him, and you broke it!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34SHE SOBS
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Stupid silent cushions.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Stupid silent scary goblin.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53DOOR SLAMS
0:17:56 > 0:17:58DOOR SLAMS
0:18:00 > 0:18:02All right?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Thought you'd gone out.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05No.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- Well, I heard the door slam. - I was showing how pissed off I am.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11That's a good idea with a baby sleeping upstairs(!)
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Let's all make noises to show how we feel, eh?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Shitty, arse, bollocks!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Shush, Gaz. You'll wake Corinthian.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Why would I care about keeping quiet for YOUR baby, eh?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Wanky-wanky-wank, twat!- Language!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26You want his first sentence to be wanky-wanky-wank, twat?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30To be fair, that'd be a pretty impressive bunch of sounds for a baby.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33But no, I don't care what YOUR baby's first words are.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37- He's not just my baby.- No, he's not. He's Jonny's too, isn't he?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I destroyed his only memory of him - a frigging mouldy lump of earwax.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45Won't Corinthian be pissed off he didn't have a dead man's bodily fluids at his wedding?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47He'd want something of Jonny there.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Everything is of Jonny in here. Look! This photo album! Full of him!
0:18:50 > 0:18:54CD rack full of soft rock is his!
0:18:54 > 0:18:55This bra!
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- That's mine.- Are you sure?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Oh, no, no, you're right, that's his.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02His head!
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- You kept his head. - It was his best bit!
0:19:08 > 0:19:09The bit with the kisses.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Everything is frigging Jonny Keogh.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14He's haunting us.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16If you can't let him go, we can't move on.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18He's dead!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- SHE SIGHS - Oh.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Look, we're just... We're going round in circles.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- SHE SIGHS - I don't know what to do.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Neither do I.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Do you...
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Do you want to split up?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- No, no, I don't want to split up. - Well, neither do I,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41but we don't seem to be able to get past this.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44We need to argue like me and Donna used to.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Do we?- It worked for us.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Me and Jonny hardly ever rowed.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51And look where that got him.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54OK, what did you and Donna used to do?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Well, she'd sort of shout at me a bit for being stupid.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I'd be incredibly sexy. In the morning,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03it was all forgotten about, and time to change the sheets.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Donna used to piss the bed?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Only when I asked her.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Oh, by the way, golden showers -
0:20:12 > 0:20:14don't eat asparagus beforehand.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18See, asparagus! Donna was so much posher than me.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Or Berocca.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24In the dark, it's like being attacked by laser beams.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26OK. Come on, let's try.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27SHE CLEARS HER THROAT BOTH: OK.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I'll be Donna, you be you, we'll have a big shouty row,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32and then, it'll all be fine.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- You go. You go.- OK. - SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:20:34 > 0:20:38I can't believe you, Gaz, how could you do this to me?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40You make me sick! I'm off to that London.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45How was that?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49It was like she was in the room, but you just don't look like her.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- Oh. OK, get me my bag.- Yup.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I can't believe I trusted you with my best friend!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03You vile little arsehole!
0:21:03 > 0:21:08I don't have time for this...erm... So you can keep your bloody...erm...
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Porn, usually.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Porn...cos I'm going! And you'll never see me ever again!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15All right.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18It's all right, you can go. Won't stay away for long.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Women can't resist my old sex aura.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25When do you start being sexy?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- That was it.- What, seriously?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Donna used to actually like you doing that?
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Maybe I'm a bit rusty.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37No, I thought it was a nervous tick. What was with the eyebrow?
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Donna did like that,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41and if you can't see it, there's something wrong with you.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42No, seriously. Donna?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44All right, no, it didn't work.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Women are so complicated.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Aw, Gaz.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52HE SIGHS
0:21:52 > 0:21:53How did you and Jonny make up?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57I know you sometimes fell out. I used to have to listen to him in the pub.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Oh, what did he say?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Well, you know... He'd sort of cry a bit.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I'd cuddle him till the tears stopped coming,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07and maybe sing to him a little bit.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09God, I miss that man.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Hmm. He used to always come back quite horny.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Eugh!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20But we did always make up, you're right.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22And it always started with food. OK, right...
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Stay there.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Oi, if you're changing into that pasty bikini, it's probably gone off.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Bagsy not the gusset.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31No, no!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Biscuits! Ta-da!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35What am I supposed to do with these?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- Eat them - make you feel better. - Didn't work for Eamonn Holmes. SHE LAUGHS
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Just try it.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Sacrilege!
0:22:44 > 0:22:45What?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48You must complete the first level before progressing to the second!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Janet, this isn't Tomb Raider.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54No, it's... # Da-da-da-da-daaaaa... #
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Tin Raider!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59You two were such sad twats.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- I bet you're feeling better, though, right?- No.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Erm... Would milk help?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07What part of me would you be milking?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10No, a glass of milk.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I don't think I could produce that much!
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- Why don't we put Sex And The City on?- No, I hate that film.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Sex Up The Shitter, on the other hand...
0:23:20 > 0:23:25- OK. How about this? - Oh, this is interesting. Yeah!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- This is useless. We're never going to get past this.- No, we can!
0:23:28 > 0:23:32The path's clear. Come on, carry on!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Oh, my.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35CORINTHIAN CRIES
0:23:38 > 0:23:39- I should...erm...- Yeah.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Why don't you go and attend to your baby, eh?
0:23:42 > 0:23:46I don't know why you're being so cruel, Gaz.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48You're like a dad to Corinthian.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55I am his dad.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03You might be dead, but you're not buried.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11I'm sorry, pal. I have to do it. I have to tell her.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Gaz! Me and Corinthian have been talking.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Janet, me first. Listen...
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- I need to tell you something. - Gaz, let me finish.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22He made some very trenchant points and was quite insistent.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24What did he say?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Hello, Gaz.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Hello, Corinthian.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I've been talking to Mummy.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33And in my opinion...
0:24:33 > 0:24:35she was a bit insensitive to you.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37She knows how good you are with me,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39we have a right good laugh.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Yeah... Remember when I put vodka on your dummy
0:24:41 > 0:24:43cos you wouldn't stop whining?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45What?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47This is a private conversation. Do you mind?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Sorry.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Anyway, as I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I miss my daddy.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Yeah, I miss him too.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03But then, I've known you a bit longer, so, you know...
0:25:03 > 0:25:07You know what? Eh? Eh?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Come on, then.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Come on, what's up with you?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14You do know that was actually me speaking, don't you?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24So, go on, what did Corinthian want to tell me?
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Well, he was quite dramatic, he used some big words I didn't understand,
0:25:29 > 0:25:30but I think I got the gist.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32What's a gist?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36He said he'd always love J...
0:25:36 > 0:25:39He'd always love his daddy.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42And he'd like to be able to remember him from time to time,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45through people who knew him best - his wife, his best friend.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Demanding little beggar, isn't he, eh?
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Very.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53He said it was very important to talk about his daddy.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54And to keep mementoes,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57though he agreed that the candle was frigging disgusting.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00You really did marry a tramp there, Janet.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03And he said that as he grew older,
0:26:03 > 0:26:05he'd come to think of you as his dad.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Prattles on, doesn't he, eh? Is he drunk again?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13He'd like you to be his father.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15He thinks Jonny was OK, but...
0:26:18 > 0:26:19What you trying to say?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Me? I'm not saying anything, this is all Corinthian.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- Excuse me if I paraphrase.- Go on.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29He'd like you to have the rights of a biological father.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34He wants you to apply to the courts for parental responsibility.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- This is what I'm...- He said if you don't say yes, he'll cry.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Like this - I quote -
0:26:38 > 0:26:40"Wah!"
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Course I will. Course I'll be his dad.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- And we'll be a proper family? - We'll be a proper family, yeah.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50BOTH LAUGH HAPPILY
0:26:53 > 0:26:55See?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58We found our own way of dealing with an argument, eh?
0:26:58 > 0:27:03- We did.- No...shouting, no sex, or...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06..you know, comfort eating, or crying.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10We used our child to avoid talking to each other face to face!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12We're like a proper couple.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16You just said, "Our child."
0:27:17 > 0:27:18I did.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Come on, let's just go to bed.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26KNOCK AT DOOR
0:27:27 > 0:27:29BOTH: Bald Shirley!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Why are you dressed like that?
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Is it laundry day?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Off to court - I'm trying to look responsible.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43This is really hard for me to say, but you're a terrible mother.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- Oh! - I'm trying to be the best dad.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49By asking men to sit on your lap, and play with your balls?
0:27:49 > 0:27:50How are things with Wesley?
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Oh, he's funny and considerate and he's got an iPhone!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56She needs a cuddle.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58I just can't, all right?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01This is Wesley, my boyfriend from London.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Sweet, I'll have a bottle of lager.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Oh!
0:28:04 > 0:28:08If you're not 100% happy in that London, talk to him.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10# Hey, Mr Bartender
0:28:10 > 0:28:11# Give me a drink
0:28:11 > 0:28:13# I want a cold, wet glass
0:28:13 > 0:28:15# With bubbles in it
0:28:16 > 0:28:19# But that doesn't mean I can't
0:28:19 > 0:28:21# Handle anything stronger now
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# Just think I'll wait a while... #
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:27 > 0:28:30E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk