0:00:04 > 0:00:07- If you can't let Jonny go, we can't move on.- He's dead!
0:00:07 > 0:00:09What did Corinthian want to tell me?
0:00:09 > 0:00:12He wants you to apply to the courts for parental responsibility.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:00:19 > 0:00:24# I want a cold, wet glass With bubbles in it
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# And that doesn't mean I can't Handle anything stronger now
0:00:30 > 0:00:31# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:00:36 > 0:00:39# And a pack of flakies. #
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Mirror, mirror on the wall,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I'm fit, so shut your face.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Gaz Wilkinson,
0:00:52 > 0:00:56you are charged with having a delicious bottom, how do you plead?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Guilty, obviously.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Then I sentence you to a spanking.
0:01:00 > 0:01:06Oi! Get off! Judge Rudy! I'm trying to look respectable, here.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- Are you nervous?- I'm bricking it.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12I haven't been in a courtroom since Keith Chegwin pressed charges.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Well, thankfully no-one's accusing you of posting turds today.
0:01:15 > 0:01:21In a few hours you'll have parental responsibility of Corinthian, and we'll be a proper family.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Why do I have some old man in a wig to tell me I can look after a baby?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27This isn't Labyrinth.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32What if the judge doesn't like me? My prettyness can be intimidating to other men.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Of course he'll like you.
0:01:34 > 0:01:40You're a lovely person, and a good dad. And I think I already mentioned your delicious bottom.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Do you want me to come with you? - No, I'll be fine.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I can do this. I just need to be the best dad ever.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Why don't you sit down, take your mind off it?
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- We could watch a nice film.- No, I'm not watching Sex And The City again.
0:01:52 > 0:01:57If I wanted to watch a drunk 50-year-old woman cry and talk about her twat, I'd go round me mum's.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01She is so Samantha. OK, forget the film.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Why don't you let me exfoliate you?
0:02:04 > 0:02:09That's a very generous offer, Janet, but I've just washed me cock.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- Why don't you go and see Louise? - Yeah, perhaps I will call her.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17I've hardly seen her since she moved back in with her mum, and I need some girly fun.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23You changed your mind about a threesome?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I just need to spend some time with my friend, doing girly things.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Louise'll let me exfoliate her.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31You have changed your mind about a threesome!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Save a hole for me, Janet.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Arthur! Be a dear and hold that.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Louise, you've left your baby over there.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47She'll be fine, Arthur's looking after her.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50You can't leave your baby with an old man.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53He'll need his nappy changing before she will.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56You can't leave your baby with an old man, you can't leave your baby on a bus.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Where exactly CAN I leave her?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01You're her mother, Louise, you should be looking after her.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I'm a single parent, Timothy.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I do deserve a break, you know?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09And that baby is completely fatuous, all she does is cry.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I've never known such an attention seeker.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15The poor child probably feels neglected.
0:03:15 > 0:03:22At the moment, little Louise thinks her mother is an 83-year-old man with an incontinence problem.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26She'll be scarred for life if she needs breastfeeding.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30I can't be expected to carry her around all the time, my arms ache.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Plus, she doesn't match my outfit.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Louise, darling.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37My little babbling Brooks.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40This is really hard for me to say, but you are a terrible mother.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Oh, actually that was quite easy. I feel like Jeremy Kyle.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46How dare you?!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I'm a wonderful mater and I'll prove it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Ma Walton, she is not.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Gaz! You look like a Toby jug.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10A pint of bitter in there, Sonny-Jim.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Hey, haven't you grown?
0:04:14 > 0:04:19I'm a little bloated this morning from my Shreddies, no need to get personal.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Come on, come and sit on my lap and tell me all about it.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27I don't know who keeps spreading these viscous rumours,
0:04:27 > 0:04:31but I am a happily married man, thank you very much.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Well, maybe just for a minute.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37That's better, innit, eh?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39A little cuddle with with your daddy.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45- Would you like a Werther's Original? - Yes, yes! A thousand times yes!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Now, suck, don't chew.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I know. Thanks, Gaz.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- You know, a man could get used to this.- Well, don't get too settled.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03I want you to come round the back and play with me balls.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04What do you want to play?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Footy, or catch?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08What?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I thought...oh.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20What exactly is going on here? I am very confused, not to mention a little disappointed.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26I've got to go to court this afternoon, so the judge can see I'm fit to be Corinthian's dad.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I'm trying to be the best dad ever.
0:05:28 > 0:05:33By asking men to sit on your lap and play with your balls?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Very modern(!)
0:05:35 > 0:05:38If it's advise on parenting you needed, you should have come to me.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I'm a father of three myself, remember?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Yeah, I forget you've got kids.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- You seem so...- Young?- Gay.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51I'm just in touch with my sensitive side, Gaz. Perhaps you should try it.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Well, you'll have to teach me.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56The only sensitive thing about me is the tip of me cock.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Hah! I'm so Carrie.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10I'm glad you came round, Louise, I've been craving a bit of female company.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14I'm not here to fuel your lesbian tendencies, Janet.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I need to borrow some nail varnish.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Great idea! We can paint each other's nails, and have a lovely girly time!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23It's not for me, it's for Louise, Louise Brooks.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28She doesn't need make-up, Louise. She needs her nappy changing.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I can't! I'm not good with that sort of thing.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34KNOCKING
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Arghhh!- Arghhh!- Arghhh!- Arghhh!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41BOTH: Arghhh!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43You ARE pleased to see me, aren't you?
0:06:43 > 0:06:48- Let me in before the neighbours call the police.- Excuse me...Arghhhh!
0:06:50 > 0:06:55- Sorry, I was feeling left out. - Donna! What are you doing here?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Well, I had a day off, so I thought I'd "touch base".
0:06:57 > 0:07:00So, how's life in the big smoke, Donna?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Oh, you would love London, Louise.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Wesley knows all the coolest bars and clubs. I've even seen Dane Bowers.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Aw, never mind.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13Well, I'd love to stay and chat, girls, but little Louise needs a make-over.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Donna, I can't believe you're home. I've missed you so much. Why didn't you phone me?!
0:07:20 > 0:07:25- Sorry.- I meant to call, but I've just been so busy.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27It's all go, go, go in London.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- How are things going with Wesley? - Oh, he is amazing, Janet.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33He's funny and considerate. And he's got an iPhone.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37And London is brilliant.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Moving there was the best decision I've ever made.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44It certainly looks exciting on EastEnders.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Lots of fires, and adultery, and angry women with huge earrings.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55"No, Roy, you ain't coming round here treatin' me like that, we're family."
0:07:58 > 0:08:02They have clubs that stay open past two o'clock in the morning.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05And they have hundreds of trains that run under the ground.
0:08:05 > 0:08:11And two days ago I saw Judy Finnigan in Clinton Cards!
0:08:11 > 0:08:13They've got a Clinton Cards?
0:08:15 > 0:08:21Oh, I am so lucky. I've got a great job, a studio apartment in London's trendy Peckham...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25..and a wonderful boyfriend.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I'm really proud of you, Donna. You seem really happy.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I am. Really, really happy.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35I feel so sorry for you, being stuck here in boring old Runcorn.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Runcorn's not so bad.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39We're getting a Lidl.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44We've got three supermarkets on my street in that London.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Well, two, since someone petrol-bombed the Spar.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Everything about London is better.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Even the tramps are better.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56They drink boxes of wine, instead of bottles.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Listen, Donna, I'm really pleased you've moved on,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02but there's no need to come back here and insult my home.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Runcorn's a shithole, Janet.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- Even YOU can see that.- Even? What are you doing back here then, if it's so bad?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- Er, anyway I best be going, it's quite a commute.- You just got here!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Yeah, but I left some hummus out back at my flat.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I should get back to that London, before it goes off.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- All right, then.- Goodbye, Janet.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Bye, Donna.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Hummus?
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Ooh, she's changed.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36So Gaz, it's important to be in touch with your sensitive side
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- to support your children, without being too pushy.- What do you mean?
0:09:40 > 0:09:44For instance, nothing would make me prouder than to see my son represent his country.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49But if he doesn't develop a natural flair for figure skating, then I'm not gonna force him.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51All right, fine. What else?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54It's important that you express yourself.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58I often write little poems for my children and leave them around the house.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01A poem! I could do that.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Yes.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- This'll show the judge how sensitive I am.- What have you got so far?
0:10:08 > 0:10:13"Oh, Corinthian, you are now my son, Although Jonny was Daddy Number One,
0:10:13 > 0:10:18"I'll love you a heap, if you go to sleep, while I have sex with your mum".
0:10:20 > 0:10:22It's a bit creepy that, isn't it?
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Oh, forget it! I'm too rugged to be in touch with my sensitive side.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Perhaps that's not such a bad thing.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Look at Fathers for Justice.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34You don't get more rugged than wearing a cape and tying yourself to a crane.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38The ones on the news that dress as superheroes?
0:10:38 > 0:10:43Yeah. I did that once. Helena didn't approve of my Wonder Woman hot pants.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I over-spilled.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Louise.- Oh, blah.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56See, I told you I was a brilliant mother, Timothy Claypole.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Check it out... LL Cool B!
0:11:01 > 0:11:06You're meant to pimp Ford Cortinas, Louise, not your children.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Buying your baby a mobile phone does not make you a good mother.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Of course it does, I've spent a fortune.
0:11:12 > 0:11:17And next time I leave her in a shop, she can text me instead of the police having to get involved.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19BABY CRIES
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Naughty baby! Please stop crying.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Oh, suit yourself.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30Louise, stop behaving like you're in a ChildLine advert and pick your daughter up.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32She needs a cuddle.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34BABY CONTINUES TO CRY
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I just can't, all right?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Holy hot pants, Gaz!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54All right, Donna?! What are you doing here?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Well, I had a day off so I thought I'd nip back to sunny Runcorn.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- Yeah, I'm just trying something. - Well it's a look.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06How's it going "darn sarf"?!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08London is amazing, Gaz.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Moving there was the best decision I've ever made.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13And I'm so happy with Wesley.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Will you grow up, Gaz? "Wesley" is a nice name.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Yeah, for a cartoon squirrel.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26It's a family name. All the men in his family are called Wesley
0:12:26 > 0:12:30and all the women are called Lesley. It's a tradition.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32What's his surname?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Presley.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Wesley Presley?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Where does he live, Heartbreak Hotel?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Wesley is kind, and sophisticated
0:12:42 > 0:12:44and he has an iPhone.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Yeah, well he sounds like a bell-end.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50YOU sound like a bell-end. I don't need to sit here and be insulted.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54I have a wonderful new life in that London to be getting back to.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Bye, then. - Yep. I London Town, here I come.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- See ya.- Yep, cant wait to get back to that London. Don't try and stop me.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02OK.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Well, I suppose another ten minutes won't hurt! I'll put the kettle on.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14Poor Wesley! You've been back in Runcorn for five minutes, and you've already forgotten about him.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Shut up, Gaz, that is not true. In fact,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I will tell him to come here.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Then you can see for yourself how wonderful he is.- I can't wait(!)
0:13:22 > 0:13:26That is if you're not busy cleaning up the streets of Gotham City.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- Why are you dressed like that? It is laundry day?- No.
0:13:29 > 0:13:36I'm going to go to court and I'm trying to look responsible, and who's more responsible than Gazman?
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Court?- I've applied for Parental Responsibility of Corinthian.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Oh.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Right. Well, I'm pleased for you.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49For both of you. You and Janet must be very happy.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51We won't be when the judge turns me down.
0:13:51 > 0:13:57He's bound to think I'm a crap dad. It's in the genes. The only thing my dad ever brought up was phlegm.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- Don't be silly, Gaz, you're a great dad.- No, I'm not.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I'm not creative or sensitive...
0:14:03 > 0:14:05At least I look good in tights.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09You don't need to dress up. You're a wonderful father, Gaz.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I should know, it's the reason I left...
0:14:13 > 0:14:18- What?- When I saw you and Corinthian and Janet, I knew you finally had what you always deserved.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21A proper family. I couldn't stand in the way of that.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- I had to leave.- Oh, Donna...
0:14:25 > 0:14:31- Just be yourself, and the judge will see what I see.- Thanks, Donna.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34And for God's sake, take those tights off, I can see your brain.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42BABY CRIES
0:14:42 > 0:14:44DOOR OPENS
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Louise! What are you doing?!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I could hear little Louise crying from outside!
0:14:48 > 0:14:53Janet, you shouldn't wave your arms about like that unless you've shaved your armpits.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56You look like you've got Bob Marley in a head-lock.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00What are you doing, listening to music while your baby's screaming?
0:15:00 > 0:15:04It's the only way to drown it out. Thank God for Slipnot.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07You can't ignore her, Louise. She needs you.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I can't, it's too hard.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12She won't stop crying.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16She's so small and squeaky. You have no idea how annoying that can get.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Just hold her. She needs comforting.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23I'm scared. What if I squash her tiny head?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Aw, Louise.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29All new mums are scared at first, but you won't hurt her with a cuddle.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31How can you be sure?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I'm always breaking things.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36My Mother's ornaments, crockery, the homeless.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40You just need to practise. You can't go wrong with a good cuddle.
0:15:40 > 0:15:46LOUISE GASPS I can't believe you're coming onto me at a time like this!
0:15:46 > 0:15:50I know I'm attractive, Janet, but for God's sake, give it up.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55- Here...practise on this.- OK...
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I suppose I could try.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00That's it, put your arms around it gently...
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Perhaps a bit more practise.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Right. I believe we are here to determine whether or not you should
0:16:13 > 0:16:16be granted parental responsibility of one...
0:16:16 > 0:16:21er...Corinthian "McVitie" Keough.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23That is correct, your honour.
0:16:23 > 0:16:29Thanks for seeing me today. I'm really excited about being a proper dad to little Corinthian.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31That's good to hear, Mr Wilkinson.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36I promise to be the best dad ever, or try to...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I can't wait to teach him to read, and take him to the football.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43I've been playing with my balls all morning just thinking about it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Er...do I look OK?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I was gonna wear something else, but I laddered my tights.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I'm sorry, I'm just a bit nervous.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I really want to be his dad, you know?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Just try and relax, Mr Wilkinson.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- You're not on trial.- Not this time.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I was just having a bad day.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10We've all been there. You must know what it's like...
0:17:10 > 0:17:13what with 'the blob'.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Are you too old for that now?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Do you know what, I'm just gonna go, I'm just gonna go!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I knew I'd mess it up.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I just wanna make a really, really good impression.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30And you know, I love Corinthian, but if you can't see that, then fine.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32This would never happen to Banana Man.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Come on, Corinthian!
0:17:39 > 0:17:44Mummy doesn't need her friends to have fun, she's got you!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Corinthian?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52God, I'm bored.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- I miss Donna. - Do you miss her so much,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- that you won't shout at her for eating all your Wagon Wheels?- Donna!
0:17:58 > 0:18:03- I'd thought you'd gone back to that London.- Oh, I was going to go yeah, but I got lost.
0:18:03 > 0:18:09But I spoke to Wesley and he's going to meet us here, and I can't wait to introduce him to all my friends.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Wouldn't you rather be with your new, exciting London friends?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Bet you've got loads. - Oh, a few. Yeah.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17None of them can lick their own nipples though.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I'm sorry for being a cow earlier, Janet.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24It's just really weird being back.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27That's OK.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29You know I love you.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- I've told Wesley all about you. - Have ya?- Yeah, I'm sure he'll learn to like you, once he meets you.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Oh.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Everything's happened so fast.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- I thought you loved it in that London?- So did I.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45It's just being back here... I've realised that I really miss it.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Runcorn might be a shit-hole, but it's my shit-hole.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I miss my friends. Even Louise.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Christ, you must be lonely.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Why don't you move back here, then? I want my best friend back.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00It's just everybody's moved on.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02You and Gaz have got your little family. I've got Wesley.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I couldn't just leave him.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Why don't you ask him to move with you? You said he'd do anything for you.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09He'll think I'm mental.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13We've only been together a couple of months, and I've tried so hard to make him think I'm normal.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- If you're not 100% happy in London, talk to him.- OK, I will.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23When Wesley gets here, I'll show him all that Runcorn has to offer.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24The full sensory experience.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29The leafy trees, the fumes from the chemical waste ground.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33That footless tramp that hangs around outside Morrisons,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35God, I love Runcorn.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Ahh!
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Ahh!
0:19:42 > 0:19:47- Louise, what are you doing now? - Janet said I have to cuddle Louise Louise Brooks.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50So why are you hugging Arthur?
0:19:50 > 0:19:55She's so precious. I need to practise on less valuable people first.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00Although I wish I hadn't hugged that man with no feet outside Morrisons.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I got poverty on my shoulder.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Aw, Louise. Don't be afraid to hold your baby.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08A cuddle won't hurt her.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Babies are very resilient.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Every child gets the odd bump, or bruise.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15I was dropped once or twice as a child, it never did me any harm.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22You can't wrap your child up in cotton wool.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Or Polyester, it's tacky.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Go on, just pick her up.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31She won't bite.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I'm doing it!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I'm holding the baby all by myself.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Well done, Louise. And she's stopped crying.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48She obviously likes you, the poor, deluded little mite.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51She smells amazing!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Even better than marker pens!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57She does like me, doesn't she?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I can't believe I was so scared.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04I'm never gonna put her down again! Never! Ever!
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- What's the matter? - It was a disaster.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19I was so nervous. I couldn't stop talking. Or farting.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- What happened? - I could tell the judge thought I was a waste of space. There was no point.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27They were never going to take me seriously. I wasn't even dressed as a fictional super-hero.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I don't understand. It was only supposed to be a formality.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I know, I'm sorry, I knew I'd cock it up.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I was just trying to be myself. In hindsight, that was a mistake.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I can't believe this.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I was really looking forward to being a proper family.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45I know, but do you know, it's just a bit of paper. It makes no difference.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48No. No, of course it doesn't.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50No difference at all. Until I die!
0:21:50 > 0:21:55You'll have no legal rights over Corinthian. He could end up in care.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Or worse, with Jonny's mum.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00We don't have to worry about that. Nothing's going to happen to you.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04You can't know that, Gaz. So much has happened in the last year, who knows what's round the corner?
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Well, it'd be a massive coincidence if it were a shark.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I'm sorry, Janet, but there's nothing we can do about it now.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13We're family, it's out of order.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I'd feel happier knowing you had some real rights to Corinthian.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23That you'll always be in his life.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Yes, well, I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27The judge didn't think so.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30She hasn't seen you get up in the middle of the night when he's crying.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35- Or singing to him when he can't sleep.- He does like Metallica.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I just want to be a brilliant dad.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42There's no such thing as a brilliant dad.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44All parents are a bit rubbish.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Everyone makes mistakes.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50But as long as you love Corinthian and he loves you, nothing else matters.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Do you know what? You're right. You're right.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I'm gonna go back to that courtroom, and I'm not
0:22:57 > 0:23:00gonna leave until 'Arsehole of the Bailey' listens to me.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Well, I'm coming with you this time.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Perhaps the judge just needs a bit of reassurance.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Either that or a slap.
0:23:11 > 0:23:17Listen up, Judge Moody! I know Gaz might seem like a bit of a dick...
0:23:17 > 0:23:23but he is the sweetest, kindest person I know, and he's been an amazing daddy to Corinthian.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26All we want is to be a proper family.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30My baby's already lost one parent, and I won't let him lose another.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34If anything happened to me, Gaz is the first person I'd want to care for Corinthian.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39We're lucky to have him, and if you can't see that, well, you must have shite in your eyes.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44I demand that you give Gaz parental responsibility of my child this instant!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46OK.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Really?- I can be Corinthian's dad?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Sure. All I need is a signature and your national insurance number.
0:23:53 > 0:24:00- Is that it?- I tried to tell you that earlier, but you were too busy crying about ripping your tights.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Thank you! Thank you so much, Your Honour.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- No biggy.- Woo-hoo! We did it!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17I spoke to Wesley, he said he's gonna meet us all at the pub.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Is he excited about coming to Runcorn?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I think so. I know he'll like it once he gets here.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27What's not to like? I bet London hasn't got an animal rendering plant.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31I can't wait for you to meet Wesley. I know you're going to love him.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33If you love him, he must be great.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I'm looking forward to meeting him.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Just try not to shag this one, Janet.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Yeah!
0:24:40 > 0:24:44I can't believe I've got all my girls back together. I'm so happy.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Me too. Let's go and get wankered on Cheeky Vimtos, eat a kebab
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- and vomit in each others' handbags! - We are so Sex and the City!
0:24:55 > 0:25:00Well, if it isn't Runcorn's answer to the Sugababes.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Good to see you, shit-tits.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05What are you doing back here?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I thought I would pop back. I've missed my mates.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09And we've missed you. It's not been the same round here without you.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Yeah, I've had to get used to shagging just one bird again.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- Oi! Donna! Donna!- Wesley!
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- I'm so pleased you're here.- Yeah, didn't think I was gonna make it.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Some old geezer, with no feet tried to cuddle me outside Morrisons.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Well, that's Runcorn for you! The people are so friendly.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Come and meet everyone. Everyone, this is Wesley.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- He's my boyfriend. He's from London. - And I've got an iPhone.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39- You just sit here with everyone, I'll get us a drink.- Sweet.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- I'll have a bottle of lager.- Huh!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46It don't come in bottles. Bell-end.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48You must be the ex-husband.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49I imagined you'd be taller.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52And you must be Wesley Presley. I imagined you to be a twat.
0:25:52 > 0:25:541-0.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56So, what do you think of Runcorn so far, Wesley?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59It's rank. I can see why you moved to the big smoke, Donna.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01So you couldn't see yourself living here then?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Christ, no! It's a shit-hole.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06You haven't even got a Nando's.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I mean, hello?
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Er, hello?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16You must be Janet. Very pleased to meet you, treacle.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Nice to meet you too... golden syrup.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Northern birds. You always smell of gravy.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28I ran out of bath-bombs so I improvised with an Oxo cube.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32I had t' bath with t' Oxo cube.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Priceless! And you must be Louise.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38That's right. I would shake your hand, but...
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I don't want to.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44This place is a dump. Let's go somewhere else.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I've just bought you a pickled egg. And there isn't anywhere else.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- This is Runcorn.- Well, perhaps we should go back to London.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I think I've seen enough talentless inbreds for one day.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54And who are you calling talentless, you southern fairy?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Step step shimmy.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Now I'm being abused by Christopher Biggins.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Come on, you should never have come back up here.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Listen, Dick-head Van Dyke.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Donna likes it here.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14We're her mates, and if she wants to stay she can.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Yeah! Leave it out, you slaaaag.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22You can't seriously want to hang around here, with a bunch of gravy-stinking chavs, Donna?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Who you calling a chav?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27She's wearing a tracksuit, and she's not even in a gym.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30You've got a new life in London now.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I know, I know. But I miss Runcorn.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34And Runcorn misses you.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Sorry, but I've been thinking.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I'm lonely in that that London. I miss it here.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- What are you saying, Donna?- Look, I care about you, Wesley, I really do.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44But I've made up my mind...
0:27:44 > 0:27:45I'm moving back to Runcorn.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48GASPS
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I've got an interview to be a community support officer.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Hello, hello, hello.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57- Get your stuff, we're going back to London.- Observe.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04- I'm looking for a baby daddy for little Louise.- And to finish...
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Subtitles By RED BEE MEDIA LTD