0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09- You'll have parental responsibility. - Who's more responsible than Gazman?
0:00:09 > 0:00:14- I'm trying to be the best dad ever. - By asking men to sit on your lap and play with your balls?
0:00:14 > 0:00:18- If you're not 100% happy in that London, talk to him.- OK.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21I've made up my mind. I'm moving back to Runcorn!
0:00:21 > 0:00:23ALL GASP
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Hey Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:00:30 > 0:00:34# I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it
0:00:34 > 0:00:40# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now
0:00:40 > 0:00:43# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:43 > 0:00:46# I'll have a pint of lager please
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# And a pack of flakeys. #
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Who's a good boy for coming shopping with Mummy? Corinthian is!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Though we did make a little puddle, didn't we? Didn't we?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Didn't we? Yes, we did!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Fancy that! Both of us weeing ourselves at the same time.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- Give me your purse. - Is that a toffee apple?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Yeah, and I'm not afraid to use it.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14- You're robbing me?- Just give it me.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- And afterwards you're probably going to try and touch me, aren't you?- No.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh. Why not, you snob?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Give me your purse!
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Help! A man just stole my purse, please. Someone! Argh!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32This is empty. Can I have your phone instead?
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Mugged! I've been mugged. So, come on, what happens next? When do you arrest him?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- You all right, love?- But you're the cops! The rozzers. The pigs.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52You're supposed to kick his door down while wearing an Aran sweater.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I saw it in a documentary once.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Yes, it was a documentary called The Sweeney. Oh, look, forget it!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I bid you good day.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- What's happened?- I got mugged.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07You what? Who was it? Did he touch you? Did he touch Corinthian?
0:02:07 > 0:02:08I'll knock his frigging head off!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I'd use the other hand.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15He took everything, Gaz.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18My phone, my wallet, my dignity.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Oh, for god's sake! It's all take, take, take with these muggers.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26I know. That Mysterious Girl ringtone was worth almost £3.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Come here, come here.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I'm all right, Gaz. I'm just a bit shaken.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33It's OK. Daddy's home now.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Everything's going to be OK.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37OK, shush.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Shush!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Shushy shushy! - Gaz. What are you doing?
0:02:42 > 0:02:47Everything sounds comforting when I use this voice, doesn't it, little one? Eh?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Brain tumour.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56- Robert Kilroy-Silk. - Gaz! Get off me!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- What?- Stop treating me like a baby.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I bet you never used to talk to Donna like that.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03But you're my precious little flower.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Gaz, I can look after myself as well.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08In fact, I'll prove how tough I am.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12I'm going to... join the police force.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- You can't just join the police. It takes years of training.- Fine.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- Then I'll be one of those ones in the funny outfits.- What? Leprechauns?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25No, you know, Community Support Officer. Then you'll see.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Anyway, you're wrong about Donna. She does need looking after.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Hey, do you know what?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32In fact, maybe I should set her up with someone.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Well, whatever you do, Gaz, don't end up having sex with her yourself.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Janet, how dare you? I'm not some kind of walking erection with his
0:03:39 > 0:03:42head in his ball-bag who goes around having sex with...
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Right, fine. I'll try not to.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49So, this is it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Me, on my own in Runcorn.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57I may even end up like that mental woman with all the cats who smells of wee.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Janet hasn't got cats.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01But I don't care.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Because I am officially off men.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06They are nothing but trouble, so I'm sealing it off.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10I am building a wall around my lady-meadow.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15But you can't do that! It's a public right of way.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Well, not any more.
0:04:21 > 0:04:27My fluffy haddock pie is officially off the menu.
0:04:27 > 0:04:33I wouldn't care if Mr Darcy walked in here with a Lindt bunny stuck on the end of his cock.
0:04:34 > 0:04:40- All right, Donna? I'm back. - Wesley. What are you doing here?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Look, can I have a word with you? In private.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I just want to say, I forgive you.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Now get your stuff. We're going back to London.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Oh!
0:04:57 > 0:05:00So, I spoke to the Staff Sergeant and guess what?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I've got an interview to be a Community Support Officer.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05So what will you be doing?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Dealing with criminals, Louise.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Rapists, murderers, people who drop Nik-Nak packets.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- That very literally sounds fascinating.- I know.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- I've just got to pass the interview. - Good luck with that, you tedious chav.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- What's wrong with you today? - I'm just a little...
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Tired.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Oh, you poor thing.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32How is the little one?
0:05:32 > 0:05:39Well, he's been quite sad since the big one died but he still plays a lot of golf.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Not Ronnie Corbett.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45- Your little one, Louise. - Oh, she's absolutely great.
0:05:45 > 0:05:51Last night she slept for two whole minutes. One right after the other.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Corinthian was just the same when Jonny died.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I couldn't get him to lie down.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Not Jonny, obviously. He couldn't get enough of lying down, what with being dead and everything.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Then what happened?
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Well, a few months later, Gaz moved in and everything changed.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09It made such a difference, having someone else to get up in the night.
0:06:09 > 0:06:17My mum used to do that for me but they've changed her drugs again and now she's in a stabby phase.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19It's hard being a single mum.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Yeah, and plebby.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I need to get me a baby-daddy!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Wesley, I can't. I can't leave my mates.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31They are not your mates.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Of course they are! OK, so Gaz cheated on me.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38And Janet stabbed me in the back. And Louise is a squeaky twat-bag.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40They're all I've got.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42And besides, anyway, I am off men.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47I have drawn my turkey curtains for the last time.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52I wanna be with you, Donna. I mean, for crying out loud, I came all the way up to Runcorn for you.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I didn't even have time to get a tetanus shot!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Well, you will be going home empty-handed.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Because I don't need me no man.
0:07:04 > 0:07:10You see, that tends to look a bit more impressive when you can actually click your fingers.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Oh, listen. Don't worry about her.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19No man has been able to understand her since Gaz.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Gaz, you say.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Now, to give the place that little touch of class.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Pot pourri.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Which I've learnt is French for "not crisps".
0:07:35 > 0:07:40- Donna, I was just passing.- Right.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42No, I'm not finished yet. I was just passing wind.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Anyway, I've been feeling a bit guilty.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- About you ending up back here all on your own, right.- Oh. How kind!
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Cos you're so precious,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55you need someone to look after you.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57So I'm gonna set you up with someone.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Aw! And as sweet and as patronising as that is, I'm not actually interested in men.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I've already found you someone. Barry!
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- Gaz, who's this? - Your new boyfriend, Donna. Barry the Pisshead.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- Barry the Pisshead, Donna. - HE MUMBLES
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Scallops.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- Barry the Pisshead? - Ah, it's an affectionate nickname, isn't it, Barry?
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Huh! Huh! Scampi.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- My, what a kook. Barry the Pisshead, could you excuse us for a second? - MUMBLES
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Property ladder.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Gaz, did you find him in the pub?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Of course not! I found him in the bushes...
0:08:43 > 0:08:45outside the pub.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Oh, my God. Is he a tramp? - It's all I could get at short notice.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I'll take him back to the bushes and swap him for Creepy Pete.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Gaz, I don't need you to set me up!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I don't want another boyfriend.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04- I'm not lonely. Anyway, the only man I'm interested in lives too far away.- Buzz Lightyear?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Yes, Gaz.- Fine, whatever you say.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- I'll phone round all the men I had set up for you and tell them you're not interested.- Yes.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I'll have a Pringle.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Right, it says I need to explain my personal policing style.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Am I a good cop or a bad cop?
0:09:27 > 0:09:31'Fess up, you naughty little bitch or I'll rip your cock off and ram it down your throat!
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- What? - Does Timmy want a lickle cuddle? Yes, he does.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Oh. That feels quite nice.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Shut it!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Or I'll stuff my fist so far up your arse I'll be picking your teeth for you!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Diana in heaven!
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Next, it says I have to be able to visit people and break bad news to them. I can do that.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- Tim. - Ah, Louise. Long time, no squeak.
0:09:58 > 0:10:04The thing is, I'm looking for a baby-daddy for little Louise and I was thinking...
0:10:04 > 0:10:11Me? Little ole tap-dancing, shoe-shuffling, huggable, loveable bar-tending ole me?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- No, you oaf.- Right.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I want someone a bit older.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Maybe someone good with money, a nice job in the media.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Someone with a bit of mystery.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22OK, Louise.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- You've just described the banker from Deal Or No Deal.- I know.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Apparently, he's not up for it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31He's a miserable old bitch!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Though now you mention it, maybe you wouldn't be so bad.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38And everyone knows gays make the best dads.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40What are you talking about?
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Who started this rumour?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Do you still want to be the baby-daddy or not?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Not on your Nelly Furtado!
0:10:48 > 0:10:53I just want a man. Maybe I'll try Gaz.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Fine! And FYI, bitch-tits.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I'm as straight as J-Lo's fringe!
0:11:00 > 0:11:06Yeah, I'm sorry for wasting your time, Creepy Pete. She's just not interested in blokes any more.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08You're doing it again, aren't you?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Cos I can hear your skin flapping.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15All right, fine.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17But then we're even, right.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Oh, you are a big boy.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- You're so big, so... - KNOCKING - I've got to go.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Oh, that Creepy Pete. He is creepy.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- You. I thought you'd pissed off back to where you came from.- I did.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I'm back in Runcorn for one thing.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Donna.- Oh. Come in.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Look, Gaz, whatever you might think about me...
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Yeah, you're a southern twat with a twatty name.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- Proceed.- I'm serious about Donna. I mean, why else would myself and
0:12:02 > 0:12:06my iPhone come all the way to the arsehole of the universe?
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Oi! Runcorn is not the arsehole of the universe.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13It's the matted hair around the arsehole of the universe.
0:12:17 > 0:12:23- Anyway, I kinda got to thinking, if anyone knows how to win Donna's heart, it's you.- Really?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26So what do you reckon? You gonna help me out?
0:12:26 > 0:12:30All right, fine. I'll help you.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32She likes witty men.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37Hence my opening gambit, "Sit on my face and I'll guess your weight."
0:12:39 > 0:12:44- Wow. That really worked? - Eight stone, three pound.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Blimey.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48What if she asks about your interests?
0:12:48 > 0:12:49I like cooking, a bit of running...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Uh-urrr!
0:12:53 > 0:12:57She likes men who are into cars and hardcore pornography.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Are you absolutely sure about this?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- Who knows more about banging Donna, me or you?- Good point.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- What's your attitude to touching yourself in public? - Er, I don't do it.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Wrong.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Observe.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21And to finish...
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Drives her absolutely nuts.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- Ah. Hi.- Donna Wilkinson, nee Henshaw?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Yes.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I'm afraid it's your grandma.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40She's, erm... she's dead.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43What?
0:13:43 > 0:13:44She, er...
0:13:44 > 0:13:46she got hit by a bakery van.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I wanted to tell you before you saw it on the local news.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53They're going with the headline: Nan SLAM By Man In Flan Van.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- Janet... oh, my God...- Not really.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Sorry, I'm just practising for my new job.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06God, I'm good at being sensitive!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Wow! God, I love what you've done with the place.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Oh, nibbles and everything.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Oh, cheers. Do excuse the tramp.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Donna, look. Are you all right, being back here and everything?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Course I am. What do you mean?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29It's just, Gaz has got it into his head that you're all lonely.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Lonely? That's...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I'm not lonely!
0:14:34 > 0:14:38So you're not, you know, moping around like a big, sad, old, miserable lesbo?
0:14:38 > 0:14:39No! As if!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Right. It's just, I just feel bad, you know, that I've got Gaz...
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Well, I stole Gaz. And you've got...
0:14:46 > 0:14:48well... Barry, the shithead.
0:14:48 > 0:14:53- Fisherman's friend!- Could you stay out of this, please, Barry?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Thank you. SHE LAUGHS
0:14:56 > 0:14:57What?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00It's just, you're like I was a year ago.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03No job, no man, no hope.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05It's just funny how things change.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Yeah.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You know what? Wesley was right.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12You and Gaz, you're not my friends, coming around here, patronising me.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Donna, hang on...- You know what? I'm gonna go and find Wesley right now
0:15:16 > 0:15:19and tell him that I'm ready to go back to London with him.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- Oh, what have I done? - Yeast infection.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32And then what if Donna asks, "Do you fancy eating out tonight?"
0:15:32 > 0:15:36I go, "Absolutely. I hear there's a lovely fish restaurant...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"in your knickers."
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- And then you do what? - Er, I go like this...
0:15:48 > 0:15:50While doing...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53While secretly massaging the tip of my penis through my pocket.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00She's gonna love you. Right, practise on Louise. Now, calm.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Now! Go on.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06You've got 206 bones in your body. Want one more?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I'm welling up over here!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14What's going on?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Softy-bollocks just become a man.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Now, go forth and multiply.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Cheers, Gaz. Right, I'm off to win my beloved's heart!
0:16:23 > 0:16:29- Gaz... I want you to be a father figure for little Louise.- You what?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Well, I just want to make sure she grows up right.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Course she's gonna grow upright.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36She's not going to grow up sideways, is she?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Properly, idiot.
0:16:40 > 0:16:46I'm not coping on my own and you've helped raise Corinthian, and he seems perfectly...
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- GASPS - What?
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Oh, my God. He's chewing tobacco!
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Tobacco?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Don't be ridiculous, Louise!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58It's not tobacco. It's mud.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03What about his little tongue?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Louise, Louise, Louise...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09It's his milk tongue. He'll grow another one.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- How do I look?- Donna, if I wasn't a happily married man,
0:17:17 > 0:17:22I'd rip your clothes off, strap something to you and bend myself over the pinball machine.
0:17:28 > 0:17:34- Good enough for me. - Now, go get him, you great big freaky-haired sex leopard!
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- Hi.- Yes...hello.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I'm Wesley. But you can call me...
0:17:44 > 0:17:48anytime. Especially during the middle of night when I will be
0:17:48 > 0:17:53available for sex with you, your sister and your mum.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Right. My mum's dead.- Yeah, I know.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59OK. That's great.
0:17:59 > 0:18:06I just wanted to ask, were your parents retarded, because you're really special?
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Right. You see, the whole mum being dead thing, it's still kind of a bit sensitive.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Yeah, sorry. Please continue.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Well, you were right, what you were saying about my mates being bastards.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25My interests include Transit vans and hardcore pornography.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Right. And I was thinking that maybe I should come back to London...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I have a wide range of hobbies, including masturbation,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35mutual masturbation and masturbation in public.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Wesley, are you massaging the tip of your penis through your pocket?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Absolutely!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Gaz!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50He put you up to this, didn't he?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53The patronising, interfering wanker!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56And as for you, I thought you were different.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- Donna, I can explain though... - Yeah? Well, why don't you stick this in your big stupid iPhone.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04I am not coming back to London with you. Not now, not ever.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Stop putting it in your iPhone!!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14So? How do I look? No need to answer.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- Stop rubbing yourself through your pocket.- Well spotted.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21A good officer has the eyes of a hawk, the ears of a...
0:19:21 > 0:19:25hawk and the speed of a... Why don't they just employ hawks?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Don't worry. It's a casual little job interview.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31You're right. And if all else fails, I can do this...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35That's amazing.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38All I need to do now is to practise my conflict resolution.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Gaz Wilkinson, you total shitehouse!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Well, now, there's a stroke of luck.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Is this about the homeless man I left in your flat?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I'll get rid of him, I'll set some traps or something.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53No Gaz, it's about you, interfering in MY life!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55What the hell did you do to Wesley?!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I just gave him a few pointers.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59How to turn you on and suchlike.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03By suggesting that my dead mother is retarded
0:20:03 > 0:20:07and masturbating himself through his clothes?
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Ello, 'ello, 'ello,
0:20:10 > 0:20:11if I may just interject.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14And you're even worse! Don't you know how to control him?
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Of course I do. I masturbate him through his clothes.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Look, as a PCSO I can handle this. Let's all take a deep breath.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26And close your eyes.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31And now try to visualise your anger
0:20:31 > 0:20:35as a big white ball of light.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42That's amazing!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Vanishing at the first sign of trouble.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46She's just like the real police!
0:20:46 > 0:20:51I don't need you to interfere with my life, and I don't need a boyfriend.
0:20:51 > 0:20:57It's just I see you sat in that draughty old flat like some sad old lesbian.
0:20:59 > 0:20:59Naked...
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Then another lesbian turns up.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Asks if she can fix your boiler...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Then the water goes everywhere and you start playing...
0:21:11 > 0:21:16- I know you're doing this because you care and you feel guilty about, you know...- Yeah, I do.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I hated the way it ended.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21So do I! You know, I'm fine on my own!
0:21:21 > 0:21:25- You're not lonely? - Course I'm bloody lonely.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30But sending over ex-boyfriends and pissheads... It's condescending.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36It means talking down to.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Like chatting to a toddler.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41It very much is.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- So you'll be fine? - Absolutely.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Come here then.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Come on.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53Shush, shush, shush.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Hepatitis C.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Piers Morgan.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09So Mrs Keogh, tell me why you think you'd make good PCSO material.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I look good in an Aran sweater.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17I love the gays. And I can walk in time to the music from The Bill.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Right.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23Sorry, do you actually have any idea as to what being a PCSO involves?
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Course I do! We patrol, we give it the old "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello,"
0:22:27 > 0:22:29and we beat the crap out of people.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Mrs Keogh, let me level with you.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35This role requires someone with a little more...
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- Muscle?- Sanity.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Oh.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- I've messed this up, haven't I? - Nothing wrong with your observational skills, then.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46OK, listen, I got mugged.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I was with my baby and he took my phone, my wallet...
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- I'm sorry to hear that. - Well, the rest of your lot weren't.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58I just think if I can stop this happening, just by walking up and down in a silly hat.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02I just don't want my baby or anyone's baby to grow up in a world where they
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- have to watch their mum getting mugged.- I see.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07And I don't care what I have to do.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Even if I can't kick, punch or fire anything...
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- Can I kick, punch or fire anything? - No.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Well, I'll do the job anyway.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Because I want the world to be a safer place for my family.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Could you explain this brutality thing? That's something I might be interested in pursuing.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Ah. The bitch is back.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Zip it, Claypole, I'm not in the mood.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Let me guess... Still no baby-daddy for Little Louise?
0:23:37 > 0:23:43I interviewed everyone. Even that bloke who hangs around the bushes buttering his knob.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I interviewed Gaz and he was too laddy.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52I interviewed you and you were just a big old ball of flaming gayness.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56None taken.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01- I'll never find anyone good enough for little Louise.- Oh, boo-hoo.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- You'll manage, just get on with it. - I won't!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I can't get her to sleep,
0:24:07 > 0:24:11I can't change nappies, I'm even rubbish at breast-feeding!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Louise, how can you be rubbish at breast-feeding?
0:24:14 > 0:24:20Because I keep forgetting which one's skimmed and which one's semi.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Well, hooking up with some random bloke isn't gonna sort it all out.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I just need help.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29No, you need support.
0:24:29 > 0:24:38And you know what... Here, right here, you've got something way more important than a man.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Gin?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Friends.- Oh.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Right. Cheers, Tim.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Don't mention it.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I'm always here. For both of you.
0:24:49 > 0:24:56Listen, I need to powder my nose and I think she needs changing.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Do you mind?
0:24:59 > 0:25:03You being serious? I've just manicured. Whoever's next, please?
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Oh, my God. I'm all alone. I'm going to have to be...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10self-reliant.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12I'm a pleb.
0:25:15 > 0:25:21And I just think the time has come for you to get back up on your own two feet,
0:25:21 > 0:25:26clean yourself up, and most importantly GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FLAT!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- Banjos.- Exactly.- Desmond Dekker.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Good talk, Big Guy.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Oh. You.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35- Sorry, you entertaining? - He's just leaving.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- Aren't you, Barry?- Bff-bff...
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Ah, sod it, suppose I can't get away with it forever.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46You lying little bastard!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Tramps today! They take the piss.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Although I note they leave the smell of it behind.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53That's me, I've been to Janet's.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- Donna, I've come to apologise. - Right, and what's Gaz told you
0:25:56 > 0:26:01to do this time - bring me a bottle of Lambrini and a copy of Chat magazine?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03It's about me moving back to London.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08Oh, for god's sake! For the last time, I'm not coming! Why should I?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Donna, I don't want you to come and live with me.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I want to come and live with you.
0:26:13 > 0:26:18- What?- You're right. It's time someone did something special for you.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- So, for you, I'm moving to Runcorn. - But what about your job?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- Well, I was thinking. My old man's a...- Dustman?
0:26:25 > 0:26:30No, market stall holder. And I've got the gift of the gab.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32'Get your pears'!
0:26:36 > 0:26:37That's quite amazing.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I know! I'm gonna get a stall.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43And I'm gonna get the Runcorn website as my iPhone homepage!
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Welcome to the matted hair around the arsehole of the universe!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Thanks, Donna.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- But if I move in with you, there's something I want you to do for me. - Anything.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I want you to divorce Gaz.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01OK. Yeah, OK, I will.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09OK, here goes.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Gaz, can I have a word?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Hang on... You're back together!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Ah, Donna, love, I'm made up for you.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- I want a divorce.- You what?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- And I want a quick one. - Well, make your mind up!
0:27:27 > 0:27:31A quick divorce, Gaz. I don't want to be Mrs Wilkinson any more.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Fine.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37That's great! Lovely! I'd love a divorce.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Thanks, Gaz.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Gaz, love, you're white as a sheet.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47You look like you've just seen a ghost.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I feel like I just have.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03Gaz, will you teach me the ways of this town? I just wanna fit in.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Step, step, shimmy!
0:28:05 > 0:28:06'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09That is totally lesbian chic.
0:28:11 > 0:28:16- My divorce papers have come through. It's really happening so...- Oh.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd