0:00:02 > 0:00:03I'm back in Runcorn for Donna.
0:00:03 > 0:00:06I've got an interview to be a community support officer.
0:00:06 > 0:00:11She likes witty men. Hence my opening gambit.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Sit on my face, I'll guess your weight.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18- If I move in with you, there's something I want you to do.- Anything.
0:00:18 > 0:00:19I want you to divorce Gaz.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:00:29 > 0:00:36# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:00:36 > 0:00:40# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now
0:00:40 > 0:00:41# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:41 > 0:00:45# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:00:46 > 0:00:48# And a pack of flakies. #
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello.- Oi!
0:00:59 > 0:01:03I need to take good care of this uniform, only two are issued.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07I'll get in trouble if I get any baby sick or your dick sick on it.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10No chance of that. When you got this policing job
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I expected the uniform to be a bit sexier.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Can't you turn it up or down,
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- or take it off and stick a truncheon up your arse or something?- No, Gaz.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I'm in a very responsible position.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27I'm doing this for you. You earned my respect by getting a divorce.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I want to earn yours. Show me your respect.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- I can show you I'm erect.- Ew!
0:01:32 > 0:01:37I got you something. I worry about you being on the streets alone, so...I got you this.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42A vibrator?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44In a manner of speaking.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49- It's a taser.- What?! They're illegal! Where did you get a taser from?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- Calm down! - Gaz, I'm an officer of the law!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I'm not going to earn your respect through violence.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I'm only saying this out of kindness,
0:01:56 > 0:02:00but you're a tiny, weak, pathetic little woman.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03You need a weapon.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05The only weapon I need is my brain.
0:02:05 > 0:02:11Oh, right, and where's your brain gonna be when you're up against a wall surrounded by gangsters?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Then one of them makes you...strip.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Then you get covered in Ragu while Tony Soprano's daughter licks it off.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Gaz, there are no gangsters in Runcorn.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Oh, who was that baby-faced wise guy who kept calling Tim "Godfather"?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27That was his godson.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Please, just take it. Violence never hurt anyone.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33No, Gaz, I'm going to earn respect the right way.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I'm going to arrest my first criminal!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Now, get to work, sonny Jim.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I need to practice my "oi"!
0:02:47 > 0:02:48So, how you feeling?
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- About what?- About the break-up of the boy band Blue, Wesley.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54About moving up north.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57About living with me, our new life together?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Oh. It's nice. I've got my market stall all sorted.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I'm selling grapes and everything. Two for the pound!
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- Well done.- It's just...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Ignore me. I'm probably jet-lagged.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10The north isn't in a different time zone.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I really miss my mates, Donna.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Don't worry, you'll soon settle in. Why don't I phone Gaz?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20But I can barely understand him, his accent's really thick.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22The rest of him is too.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Just try, Wesley, for me.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26I will, for you.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Get your pears!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Well done.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Right, I'm off to Janet's before I go to work.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Oh, your Market Stall Monthly's arrived.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Oh, family Beale.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44What's a boy to do?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56So, Caprice, when's the photo shoot?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- I beg your pardon?- You!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- What are you doing? What's all this?- Donna...
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I'm a self-reliant yummy mummy.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I utterly refuse to be a pleb.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Have you not seen Elizabeth Hurley?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Only ever in white jeans.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Or with an ugly millionaire hanging out the back of her.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I've got a reputation to uphold.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23You see these women who after they've flobbed out a baby get all...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25What's the word?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Maternal.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I just don't want that happening to me.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32So where is little Louise Louise?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Oh, I've left her with Tim's wife, Helena.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38They're a nice family. He's given me my job back, have I told you?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Probably, but I tend not to listen.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43That's just ignorant.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46See? Went straight over my head!
0:04:46 > 0:04:51- 'Ello, 'ello 'ello!- Look at you!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53That is totally lesbian chic.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57You look like Dixon of Dyke Green!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Janet, I really admire you.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03A job, a baby, a home...
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Your husband.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10You're like proof that women these days can really have it all.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Including your husband.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16Yes, thank you, Louise. But he won't be my husband for much longer.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18We are getting a divorce.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19GASPS Donna!
0:05:19 > 0:05:24A job behind the bar at the Archer and divorced by 26!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26You really are living the dream there.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29How have we not killed her?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Now, now, ladies! Let's have a little calm, please,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35this is my beat, and I demand respect.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Aw! Bless her.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39What do you mean, "bless her?" I do demand respect.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Gaz even made this in the garage for my first day. He's really proud of me.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Oh, look! Janet's had an idea!
0:05:56 > 0:06:00You'll see. I'm going to clean up Gotham City.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02So you're going all Batman?
0:06:02 > 0:06:03She's gone all batshit.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Right. Time to bags me a criminal.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Let's be 'avin me!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Oi!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Awww, you've got to admire her.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21No, you haven't, you've got to admire me!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24No, Janet's got a decent job and a happy home.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28That's impressive considering what she's been through. She's super mum.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33I've been through a lot! I'll have you know a very good friend of mine
0:06:33 > 0:06:35was eaten by a shark last year.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Louise, I'm sure you are an interesting parent
0:06:39 > 0:06:42in a Judy Garland kind of way.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46You devote your time to looking perfect,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49whereas Janet devotes all her time to being a good mum.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53So, what you're saying is in order to be a good mother I have to look like Janet?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Sorry! I forgot to take this off!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Wouldn't want to look silly.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Oi!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Oh, crap!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08THEME FROM THE BILL PLAYS
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- Oi! You can't park there, sonny Jim. - Sod off.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Oi! That's illegal...mummy Jim.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Oi! Stop that illegal drinking, hoody Jim.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37This is too hard.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Oi!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- COCKNEY ACCENT: - Half a pound of cockles!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Get your lovely bananas!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49What are you doing here?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Donna phoned me. To help you settle in.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- Why are you on my bed? - It's my bed, actually.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56From when I lived here.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I'd recognise this baby anywhere.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02I've covered nearly every inch of this mattress.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Bit on the headboard on a good day.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Listen, Gaz, I'm glad you're here.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10There's a few things that are bothering me about Runcorn.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12There's a few things you need getting used to.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14The smell, for example.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16The one that makes you cough up blood?
0:08:16 > 0:08:21That's the fella. That, Wesley, is the local animal rendering plant.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Just think of it as an over-friendly cousin.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Which brings me on to the over-friendly cousins.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31You've led an enviable life, Gaz.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I'm just finding it hard settling in.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I ain't got no mates, I'm setting up a new business... Want some jam?!
0:08:37 > 0:08:43Gaz, will you teach me the ways of this town? I just want to fit in.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Oh, I'll teach you, Wesley Presley.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I'll teach you good.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Walk this way.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Whoa!
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Walk THIS way.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08HE GASPS DRAMATICALLY
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Oh, ha ha(!) Whatever.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Before they judge, I think someone needs to take a look in the mirror.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Yes, you do. - SHE GASPS
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Oh, it's me.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Tim, do you think I pull this off?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Yes, you should definitely pull it off.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Then burn it, stamp on it and stick it in the post to Bosnia.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I borrowed it from Janet's wardrobe.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33It's not exactly red carpet, is it?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36More Allied Carpet.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40I just thought if I dressed like Janet, I'd be as good a mum as her.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Well, I shouldn't aim too high.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Corinthian is stiff competition.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I know! He can sit up straight.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Louise Louise just does this.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54She's not teething or talking.
0:09:54 > 0:10:01And between you and me, her personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02She's ten weeks old!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I just don't want her to grow up...normal!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I've got a degree in sociology.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I'm practically a genius!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13What if she's...average?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15It'd be my fault.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17You should get her some Mozart.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- Why? What'd that do? - Mozart improves the IQ.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22All the posh mums are at it.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Is Liz Hurley at it?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Only with ugly millionaires.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29But CDs are expensive.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I need to find a way of getting some money.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Hmmm. Can I have some money?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36No!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Donna? You look like you've seen a ghost.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43My...divorce papers have come through. It's really happening.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Ahhh. Can I have some money?
0:10:46 > 0:10:52- Away with you, Louise, you trampy little turd!- I am not trampy!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I'm just begging for money dressed in some skanky clothes!
0:10:55 > 0:11:00Even dressed like this, I'm still the most lovely thing that ever did be!
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Donna, love, come and sit down.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Come on. Tell me all about it.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Oh... Shhhhh. Later.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19And this, Wesley, is a pastie.
0:11:19 > 0:11:25They have many uses, from loft insulation to a dummy for a baby.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Yeah, we've got pasties in London, Gaz.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30But do you have these ones? Taste.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35It tastes like armpit.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Not just armpit.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Eyebrow, anus and testicle.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Yes. Now...
0:11:44 > 0:11:48do you have flat caps, ferrets or whippets in that London?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- No!- Neither do we. So stop being prejudiced, you southern bastard.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Some little twat threw yoghurt at me!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- I've got to use my spare. - Should have tasered him!
0:11:58 > 0:12:03No, Gaz. I won't earn your respect by going round shooting people, like some kind of American.
0:12:04 > 0:12:10Anyway, the first thing about fitting in in Runcorn is getting the accent right.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Don't worry about that. I've been practicing. Listen.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- NORMAL ACCENT: - Hello! My name is Wesley Presley.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I'm from Runcorn.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23It's brilliant.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Er, local knowledge. A bit of local knowledge never did anyone any harm.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I've been doing some research, on my iPhone.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Interesting facts about Runcorn.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Nicola from Girl's Aloud was born here. The town has a swimming pool.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Macy Gray has never visited Runcorn.
0:12:39 > 0:12:45- No, no. I mean, you need to know the pubs and the bars, the clubs and the restaurants.- You're right.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47All I've been to is the Archer.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51The Archer? You've only been to the Archer?!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Yeah, that's about it, to be honest.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Gaz? Wash this, will you? Hi, Wesley Presley.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Now, time to make an arrest.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Surely someone round here's been a naughty Nigel.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Probably Nigel the Nonce, come to think of it.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Look, Gaz, I just don't want to be lonely up here.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15- It's hard when you're the only one who knows the rhyming slang for apples and pears.- Stairs.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19That's what we want you to think. It's "extortionate taxi fares."
0:13:20 > 0:13:22My divorce papers have come through.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24You see, Gaz? I'm all alone,
0:13:24 > 0:13:28and all alone in a roomful of people can be the loneliest place of all.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Except if you're in a room with no-one in it.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35That's even lonelier.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39HE GAGS
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Donna, Donna, Donna.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Many of the world's most successful people have been divorced.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Elizabeth Taylor...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Elizabeth Taylor.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I could go on.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01It's not the be all and end all.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02It's the be all and end all.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- Gaz!- I know!
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- It's just so tragic.- I know.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- It's just so sad.- I know.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Hello, Donna. It's Wesley!
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Wesley, I'm sorry, my divorce papers have come through.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- That's a coincidence. So did Gaz's. - It's just a bit emotional.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- Yeah. They've been married over three months.- Shut up, Tim.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29We need to make a list. What's mine is mine and what's yours is yours.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- Get it over with quickly.- Come on.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33What about my fitting-in lesson?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Gaz? Gaz?!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Gaz? Gaz? Gaz? Gaz? Donna?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Yeah?- I can't remember what I was going to say.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Where's Nigel the Nonce? Gaz! Come here.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47My divorce papers have come through. I've gotta go, I'm busy.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49But look at me, I'm policing! Gaz.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Gaz. Gaz.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Gaz. Donna!- Janet, we're busy.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- It's Tim, isn't it? - Yes. Boysie, is it?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Wesley.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02So, what can you tell me about your quaint little town?
0:15:02 > 0:15:07Oh, so you want to fit in, do you? Say no more.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10We'll have you Runcorning like a good'un before the day is out.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Ooh!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14You're very tall, aren't you?
0:15:14 > 0:15:19Very tall. Tall as if he has fake legs full of cocaine!
0:15:20 > 0:15:25Yes. Let that be a lesson to you.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Now...
0:15:30 > 0:15:35What is the square on the hypotenuse equal to?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Come on.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42No, it isn't spit bubble, you oaf! Look, I'm just...
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Get your thieving mitts away from my property, scumbag! - SHE SQUEALS
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Sorry, Louise. I didn't mean to startle you.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Oh. So I suppose the whole jumping out on me with a gun
0:15:51 > 0:15:55and shouting was supposed to lull me to sleepy bye-byes, was it?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57It's not a gun, it's a taser.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I'm dropping it down the station this afternoon.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Oh! You look lovely today, Louise.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Well, keep it away from me and Louise Louise, you psycho. God!
0:16:06 > 0:16:13- You make my mother look the picture of sanity, and all she does is eat her own hair.- She doesn't.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18Well, I say it's hers, but some of it tastes of cat to me.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I just feel like nobody is taking me seriously. Especially Gaz.
0:16:23 > 0:16:29Aww... Maybe you could try a manicure, or a formal education.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I have GCSEs!
0:16:31 > 0:16:35I can't be that stupid. Corinthian is the cleverest baby in the world.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38He's already absorbed the alphabet.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40In spaghetti form, but it's still in him.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43So?!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Louise Louise can...
0:16:46 > 0:16:48..better than any baby I know.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Look, I've gotta get back to work.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I need to find some criminals to impress Gaz.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55The Archer's a den of iniquity.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I hear Arthur smuggles cocaine in the folds of his scrotum.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Although that could just be dandruff.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06So I think the biggest outlay in that area of our lives
0:17:06 > 0:17:10came from me, therefore I should get the vast majority of it.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15OK. You drive a damn hard bargain, Gaz Wilkinson. Fine.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16As much as you're killing me here,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19you can keep the granny porn.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Yes!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Right. That's about it.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28All the knick knacks and clothes and jewellery, that's yours.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Well, no, not quite, Gaz.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Not ALL the jewellery.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- You don't mean...?- Yeah.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Donna, love, that was a gift!
0:17:38 > 0:17:42I know how important the licensed booby inspector brooch is to you.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46As charming a gift as that was for our first Christmas together,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I'm talking about this.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52What's that? A washer?
0:17:52 > 0:17:57I doubt it was as expensive as a washer. It's my wedding ring.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Why's it all bent out of shape and flat?
0:18:00 > 0:18:06Because, you know, London is nearer to the equator than Runcorn.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07So it melted...
0:18:10 > 0:18:13..when I repeatedly hit it with a shoe.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Why did you do that?!
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Er, the whole making me move halfway across the country thing?
0:18:19 > 0:18:20I didn't make you move to London!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23You didn't make me feel welcome staying.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Oh, so the next time I fall in love with someone, I'll put a spread on.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Just take it.- I don't want it!
0:18:28 > 0:18:32If this is how you feel about our marriage, I don't want it.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Actually, any of it.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Any memory I've got of our relationship, you can have it.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- You've already got the flat, the kitchen, the bed we slept in. - You can have that.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Especially the bloody headboard!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46It's not bloody. It's spunky!
0:18:49 > 0:18:53And, step, step shimmy!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Step, step, shimmy!- No, no, no!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59You've not got the shimmy bit right.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01It's not shimmy!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- It's shimmy!- Shimmy!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Boy George, I think he's got it!
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Are you absolutely sure this is the traditional dance of Runcorn?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I swear on my lover's grave.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Thanks for the help.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I've got the regional dish, the dance, the history.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18I'm still no closer to fitting in.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Gaz? I'm about to make my first arrest!
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- Probably. Out of my way, you law-abiding scumbag.- See?!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- All right, sonny Jim? - It's sonny Tim, actually.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Talk to the badge.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Oh, let's see.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37Oh, you're a police community support officer. So not a real policewoman.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I am. And I am going to clean up this town.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Anyone here breaking the law, I advise you come forward right now!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49You won't find anything here.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52This place is as squeaky clean as a Dreamboy's thong.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55We'll just see about that.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I've got one here if you want to check.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Stop disrespecting me!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05This is the final straw!
0:20:10 > 0:20:15Now, what is the capital of Nicaragua?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Come on, neither of us want to end up like Janet.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Oh, hi, Janet. You've changed.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I'm not Janet! I'm just wearing her clothes.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30Oh, is that another Runcorn thing? Wearing each other's clothes.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- It's Louise, isn't it? - Yes. Hello, Wesley Presley.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And this is Corinthian?
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Small for his age.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40No, you foul, yet cheeky, chappie.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42This is Louise Louise.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44She's only ten weeks.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Oh, right. She's a beauty.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51She isn't a car, you random southerner, she's a baby.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53And thank God she is a beauty.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55She's a complete thicko.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Is she? How do you know? Is she not rolling over yet?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01God, yeah, six weeks had that down.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Can she smile?- Yeah.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07And laugh. She's always chuckling, the little imbecile.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10How do you know she's thick? Is she not able to grasp things?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14She can't even grasp the basics of mathematical philosophy.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16No, I mean rattles and boobies.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20She was grasping on things before she was born.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23She pulled out her own umbilical cord like she was in a tug of war.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Then she is bloody advanced! She's a bloody genius!
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- Is she?!- She's far more advanced than mine was at his age.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Oops...- You have a kid?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Yeah, but Donna doesn't know, OK?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I'm trying to break it to her gently.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40You mustn't tell her while she's going through so much.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Doesn't she?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45That's OK. I'm good at keeping secrets. And lying.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47But don't let that worry you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Let's go and show off.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Brilliant. Now, just need to borrow some clothes.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Marrying you was the worst mistake I ever made.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01No, Gaz. Sleeping with my bridesmaid was the worst mistake you ever made!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03It's tradition!
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- The groom's supposed to sleep with the bridesmaid!- That's the best man!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Well, I buggered that one up, didn't I?!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Don't make light of this, Gaz!
0:22:14 > 0:22:18I'm not. When you get married to Wesley, and I'm the best man...
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- I don't give a shit about Wesley! - Oh.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Oh... Wesley... - We'll talk about this later, Donna.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27You've hurt me with your deception.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Oh, frigging hell.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35- Donna, are you in a hurry to marry anyone else?- No. Are you?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I don't know.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38I don't know!
0:22:38 > 0:22:43I can't just marry Janet straight after we get divorced, it wouldn't seem right.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48It'd be like having pudding number one straight before pudding number two.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Janet lets me have two puddings.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54And as much as I like being compared to a trifle...
0:22:54 > 0:22:56A trifle! You can tell you've been to London!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Yes, as much as I like it,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I just think we're too raw at the minute
0:23:01 > 0:23:03to have the kind of divorce that we'd both like.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07One that lasts forever? For richer, for poorer?
0:23:07 > 0:23:08In sickness and in health.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10A happy one.
0:23:10 > 0:23:16- In direct contradiction to our marriage.- You should keep this then.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Thanks.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21No, wait.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27What are you doing, you knobhead?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Donna Wilkinson?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Yes, Gaz Wilkinson, you weird little man?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Will you make me the happiest man in the world
0:23:37 > 0:23:40and be my lawfully estranged wife?
0:23:41 > 0:23:42I will(!)
0:23:42 > 0:23:44HE CHUCKLES
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Better go and tell Janet the divorce is off.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49She'll be all right with it, won't she?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Yeah, she's a pushover, is Janet.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I am at the end of my tether with you people!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59You will respect my authority!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Nobody disses Janet K!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Illegal gambling!- Janet!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Arthur's playing for toothpicks.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Not that he uses them on his dentures.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Breath like he's been lapping out a colostomy bag.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Right, right. - SHE GASPS
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Illegal weapons!
0:24:18 > 0:24:22These are darts! I don't know what you're playing at, you silly little woman.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Nobody listens to me! I am the most powerful person in this room
0:24:26 > 0:24:28and no-one is paying me any attention!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31That uniform's gone to your head!
0:24:31 > 0:24:34And your ankles, but I refuse to pass judgement.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I will make an arrest today if it's the last thing I do.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39You won't find anyone here up to anything improper.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- Shut it! - HE LAUGHS
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Don't you laugh at me. I eat scum like you for breakfast.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I am an officer of the law.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I am earning Gaz's respect.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51You're not, sweetie, you're a pushover.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- I am not.- You are too.- Am not.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- Are too.- Am not!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Hate to say I told you so.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03Janet? Janet, me and Donna, we've come to a decision and we're not getting divorced.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06You're not getting divorced? But...
0:25:06 > 0:25:07See? Told you she'd be all right.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10What are you doing on the floor? RIPPING
0:25:10 > 0:25:11ALL LAUGH
0:25:14 > 0:25:19- She's ripped her kecks! - Perhaps you should go easy on that scum you eat for breakfast, dear.
0:25:19 > 0:25:25Janet, I'm glad you're here! Little Louise has bypassed your stupid little baby in every way!
0:25:25 > 0:25:26I'm a way better mother than you.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Do you people know what this uniform means?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34You should be respecting it, and me in it!
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- Gaz?!- You found it then?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Yeah. And behold, I am a Runcornian!
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Step, step, shimmy!
0:25:46 > 0:25:50- He actually looks better than you in the uniform.- Right, that's it!
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Yes. Let that be a lesson to you.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- Somebody call the police! - The real police?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Oi!
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Sorry.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14So what exactly happened here?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17This man was impersonating a police officer.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- SHIVERING:- I was just trying to fit in!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22So I put an ice cube down his neck.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25She tasered him. She's a terrible mother.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I was only doing my duty, constable.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33- Come on.- Constable! Constable! Oi!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37So, how did things go with Gaz?
0:26:37 > 0:26:43Oh, God. Look, Wesley, what I said before, I do give a shit about you. Look at you!
0:26:43 > 0:26:47All six foot three police impersonating, step, step shimmying,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49pastie-smelling inch of you!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I was just trying to fit in.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53You have! You really tried for me.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56More than anyone else ever has. Gaz wouldn't do what you did.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59You know, change his life, like you have.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00I mean, look at the state of you.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05I just wanted to be a part of the town. Part of your life!
0:27:05 > 0:27:09We'll finalise it next week. I'll be divorced immediately.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Ow!
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Don't make this difficult, we need to end this.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18He shagged my best friend.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19She moved to London.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Did you think, when we were looking into each other's eyes, we'd end up here?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
0:27:28 > 0:27:31# And they're like it's better than yours... #
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Oh, why can't we do this?!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- Because...we don't want to be divorced.- No.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- So you'll stay together?- No!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:48 > 0:27:51E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk