0:00:02 > 0:00:03Just get it over with quickly.
0:00:03 > 0:00:08Donna Wilkinson, will you be my lawfully estranged wife?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Better tell Janet the divorce is off.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13- You're not getting divorced? - I told you she'd be all right.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16You've hurt me with your deception.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18Oh, frigging hell!
0:00:18 > 0:00:21I'll be divorced immediately.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23ELECTRIC SPARKING BOTH: Ow!
0:00:23 > 0:00:28This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:00:30 > 0:00:35# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:00:36 > 0:00:38# And that doesn't mean I can't
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# Handle anything stronger now
0:00:41 > 0:00:43# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:43 > 0:00:47# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:00:47 > 0:00:50# And a pack of flakies. #
0:00:55 > 0:00:57So...
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Such a young couple,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04and you've been married how long?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Ages.- A few months. - Hmm.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Such a shame. So young.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Are you crying?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17It's dusty in here.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19And dust makes you sad?
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Yeah.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Well, don't make this any worse, Gaz, we need to end this thing. GAZ SIGHS
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Well, do you?
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Yes.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Listen to the man!
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Well, I see so many divorces that...
0:01:34 > 0:01:38I hate to see people throwing it all away on a whim.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Oh! He shagged my best friend.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- She moved to London. - He's an imbecile.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46She uses blow jobs to get presents.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49- Don't we all? - LAWYER CHUCKLES
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- He smells of eggs.- She's got a verruca!- He gave it to me!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Listen to yourselves.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Look, it isn't my place to say...
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- Well, then, don't.- Ignore her. What?
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Well, I just think that if you're still so bothered by each other,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11if you can still conjure up such strong feeling towards each other,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14then you obviously still care for one another.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I couldn't give a hairy shit!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- I'm in love with someone else. - Guys...- Guys?!
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I'm not paying you a ton fifty an hour to be called, "Guys."
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- Who are we, the cast of Britannia High?- You wish.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32OK.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Mr and Mrs Wilkinson...
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Oh...mmm...
0:02:36 > 0:02:37"Guys" is fine.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42Look, I get paid regardless, so I'm not saying this for my sake.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I hate divorce.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46My parents were divorced...
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Ooh, it's like A Child Called It made flesh.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53I just want you to be sure before we proceed.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57If there's any way this relationship can be salvaged,
0:02:57 > 0:03:01I want you to think very carefully about what you're doing.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06He's right, Donna. I mean, should we be doing this?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I mean, think back. Think of the good times.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Which ones? The ones where you were shagging Janet behind my back,
0:03:13 > 0:03:17or the jolly days when you used to fart on my head, and call it a love rumble?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22No.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Remember when we first got together...?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Fair maiden,
0:03:33 > 0:03:38wouldst thou give me the pleasure of thy company for up to 14 minutes of dirty sex?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Why, yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Don't you remember?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58That never happened. I'll tell you what I remember...
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Ooh, yeah!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Oh, God!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Aaah... Gah!
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Wooh! Oh, I tell you what, it fits like a rubber glove.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Smells like one too!
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Uh!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Oh, it was beautiful, wasn't it?
0:04:24 > 0:04:29Yes, that really was the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- I'm not joking, it was. - That's not true,
0:04:32 > 0:04:37- I was romantic tons of times. Do you remember when I bought you flowers?- Er, no.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Yeah, you do. You do.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Jonny had just died, right, and you were all upset, so I came round...
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Hey.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Hi, Gaz. I was just thinking about you.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50That's a coincidence, I was just thinking about me too.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54- I got you these. - Gaz, these are beautiful. Aw!
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Come on.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Gaz, we shouldn't be doing this. What about Donna?
0:05:01 > 0:05:02She's my best friend.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05I can't help myself.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- Yeah, that wasn't you, was it?- No.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16No, it wasn't. That's when you were shagging my best friend.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Can we have a divorce, please?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Surely you have some good memories, Donna? If I may call you that?
0:05:22 > 0:05:27- It's better than Mrs frigging Wilkinson.- Oh, is that hyphenated?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Come on, Donna!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Your time with me wasn't all bad. Admit it, we had a laugh.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38SHE SIGHS Yes, well, I suppose sometimes you were OK.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Like when you surprised me for my birthday that year...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, I wonder what he's got planned.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50If I know Gaz, it'll be something vacuous, facile, and probably penile.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Ooh, fingers crossed!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- I'm not sure. I mean, it's not every day you turn 25. My quarter-century! - Hey!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59When I get there, shoot me.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02What are you talking about? I thought you were about 50.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04How dare you, you squat little shit?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Come on, everyone. It's Donna's day, let's be happy!
0:06:08 > 0:06:14- Yes, I've had my hair done specially. 14 quid this was.- Oh! Did you get the head stylist, then?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Margaret. She's the one who doesn't have the shakes.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19ENGINE REVS
0:06:19 > 0:06:22That's Gaz! I recognise the helmet.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Wait, is that my birthday surprise?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Sort this hair out.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35There you go.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Right, hop on, love! We're going to Penketh!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I mean, how was I supposed to know you'd just had your hair done?
0:06:44 > 0:06:48I don't notice stuff like clothes and hair. I'm a man.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50When's the last time you noticed I made an effort?
0:06:50 > 0:06:57Scraping the knob cheese from under your foreskin does not count as an effort.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Well, la-di-da, Lady Muck.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02You know what, you've always been the same - selfish.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06I mean, what kind of a girl wants to go on a motorbike on her birthday?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- My kind of girl! And Sandy from Grease.- Oh.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13- When she'd had a perm and slagged herself up.- Just don't...
0:07:13 > 0:07:18When I threw out his porn, he used to wank over the You're The One That I Want sequence.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22We haven't been able to go to a funfair since.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26You said that's cos you had a bad experience on the waltzers!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Yes, because of you.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30You nearly blinded me!
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I couldn't help it. Blame it on the G-force.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Such animosity.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Why did you ever decide to get married in the first place?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Huh! Desperation.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46Because I loved her. And you weren't desperate, you could have had any man you wanted.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48God knows what you got up to in that London.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54OK, so I'm gonna have you and you, and you and you. But not you.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Oh, go on, you too! SHE LAUGHS
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Oh, this is so much better than Runcorn!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03It wasn't like that.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Oh?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Sorry, Donna, but we don't have willies.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- What?- No-one in that London does.
0:08:13 > 0:08:19And even if we did, they wouldn't be as big or as noble as Gaz Wilkinson's.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21We've heard he's quite the treat.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23'It wasn't like that either!'
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Remember when you all came to visit?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- I didn't.- No. YOU didn't.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I was really unhappy down there!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35# London calling to the faraway towns
0:08:35 > 0:08:39# Now war is declared, and battle come down
0:08:39 > 0:08:42# London calling to the underworld
0:08:42 > 0:08:46# Come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls
0:08:46 > 0:08:49# London calling, now don't look to us
0:08:49 > 0:08:53# Phoney Beatle-mania has bitten the dust
0:08:53 > 0:08:57# London calling, see, we ain't got no swing
0:08:57 > 0:09:00# Except for the ring of the truncheon thing
0:09:00 > 0:09:04# The ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in
0:09:04 > 0:09:08# Meltdown expected, the wheat is growing thin
0:09:08 > 0:09:11# Engines stop running, but I have no fear
0:09:11 > 0:09:15# Cos London is drowning, I
0:09:15 > 0:09:17# Live by the river. #
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- Where were you, Gaz?- Where do you think? Looking after Corinthian.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Oh, that's another thing. He impregnated my best friend!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28It was an accident.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I thought I was infertile, it could happen to anyone.
0:09:30 > 0:09:36- Anyone who stuck their cock in their wife's best friend!- OK, OK.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38That's why I didn't come to London.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- I didn't want to go over and over the fact that I accidentally rammed one up Janet.- Oh!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46We're going off the point!
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Though I'm on 150 an hour, so, please, continue.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52I hated it down there.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I was so lonely, it was so big.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58I had no friends. So I came back to Runcorn.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Yeah, and insisted on going on that bloody tour.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Which once again, hubby dearest, you wouldn't come on.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11# I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
0:10:11 > 0:10:15# But heaven knows, I'm miserable now
0:10:15 > 0:10:20# I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
0:10:20 > 0:10:24# And heaven knows, I'm miserable now
0:10:24 > 0:10:28# In my life
0:10:28 > 0:10:32# Oh, why do I give valuable time
0:10:32 > 0:10:36# To people who don't care if I
0:10:36 > 0:10:40# Live or die? #
0:10:42 > 0:10:45You just get a better class of pigeon here, is all.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- Can't you see why I'm divorcing her? - I'm divorcing you is what's happening.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- That's what's happening?- Yes, it is.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- I'm sorry Little Miss Shouty Lady. - I DO NOT SHOUT!
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- You're shouting now.- Oh, that's not shouting.- That's her calm voice.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Shit! Really?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Really.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Oh, my God! I don't believe this!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Oh, my God! I don't believe this!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Oh, my God! There...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18There are people here! You are wank...
0:11:18 > 0:11:21STATIC DROWNS WORDS
0:11:25 > 0:11:27HE MOUTHS
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I was deaf for three days.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- I don't know why I bothered with you in the first place.- Cos I'm sexy.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Yeah, if this marriage has taught me one thing, it's never to go for looks again.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41From now on, it's brains and personality.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I've got brains. I fix cars for a living.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Wow! You're like the Fonz!
0:11:47 > 0:11:52- You're like the Fonz. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very witty. God, I loathe you.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I loathed you the first time I met you.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- No, you didn't.- Yes, I did.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02- Janet set us up on that date, and you were rude and obnoxious...- Sexy.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Yes, that too, but mostly rude and obnoxious.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07No, you liked me the first time you met me.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11No, I didn't. We had that enormous argument about your porn, remember?
0:12:12 > 0:12:18That wasn't the first time we met. The first time we met was 20 years ago in the park.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21# Ring a-ring o' roses
0:12:21 > 0:12:23# A pocket full of posies
0:12:23 > 0:12:26# A-tishoo! A-tishoo! #
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- Is an elephant as big as my house? - Yeah.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34But you must never live in an elephant, because...
0:12:34 > 0:12:39- Why?- Because...you may get a cold. Gimme that!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- No! - JANET WAILS
0:12:42 > 0:12:45You mustn't snatch! I'm telling my mum!
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Your mum is fat!
0:12:48 > 0:12:52And she gets her hair cut by a gardener, because my mummy did say so!
0:12:52 > 0:12:57Your mummy is a lazy slag, because my mummy did say so!
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Oh!
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Stop fighting! DONNA CRIES
0:13:02 > 0:13:04You've made Donna cwy.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Donna's a cwy baby!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- Am not!- Ah!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Serves you right for snatching.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12THEY SCREECH
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Stop fighting! Or you will upset the baby!
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Knobheads!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26HE MIMICS AN AIRPLANE ENGINE
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Hello!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Do you not have any friends?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I'll be your friend.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Will you be my girlfriend?
0:13:41 > 0:13:47No! I'm not old enough for boys because I am only five.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Erm...erm...
0:13:51 > 0:13:53What...what's the sheepses name?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Satan.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- Why?- Because he is a devil sheep,
0:13:59 > 0:14:04and when you are asleep, he comes in the night, and eats your eyes.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06That's not nice.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11I know. But all sheep are like that. You must be very afraid of them,
0:14:11 > 0:14:17because they are evil, and will kill you dead. Baaaaaaa!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19GAZ WAILS
0:14:19 > 0:14:21DONNA LAUGHS
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Silly boys!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26And that's why you're scared of sheep?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30That's why.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Well, why didn't you tell me?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I thought you'd feel bad. I was trying to protect you.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39You complete dickhead!
0:14:41 > 0:14:45"He comes in the night, and eats your eyes?"
0:14:48 > 0:14:49OK.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54I think I'm starting to see what might be wrong with this marriage.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Her. She's what's wrong with this marriage.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Can't you see any sort of future for you?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- No.- I say this to all my clients.
0:15:02 > 0:15:07Before you go any further, I want you think of the future, and what it might be like.
0:15:09 > 0:15:16I am Gazroid, defender of the mighty galaxy of Thoron in the year 4099.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Not that far into the future!
0:15:19 > 0:15:24I want you to imagine what it'd be like not being married any more.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27On the one hand, you'd be free. On the other hand...
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Go on, take that you pesky space spider!
0:15:33 > 0:15:37He's asking us to think about what it'd be like to be single again.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38The not-too-distant future.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I don't have to imagine. I've got Janet and Corinthian.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46A ready made family all nice and perfect for me. You, on the other hand... Whoa!
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- Louise?- Yes, Ida?- It's Donna.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- I prefer Ida.- Oh.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Suit yourself. Put another bar on the fire.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59We can't afford it.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04Not since you lost your job because the brewery don't like single people running their pub.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06It's discrimination.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09And then your affair with Arthur went public.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13You got so desperate after your divorce you slept with anything.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Arthur said he'd call.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19And that turned all the married women against you.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Afraid you'd steal their menfolk.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Janet never spoke to you again.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- I was a right slag.- Yeah.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Which is why you contracted syphilitic gangrene.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35You had to have your fanny chopped off.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38That smarted.
0:16:38 > 0:16:45And as a young divorcee, nobody really wanted to take you up the aisle again.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46No.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Your looks started to fade.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52You went and got all jowly.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Gobble gobble! Turkey neck.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Batwings.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- Saddlebags.- False teeth.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Urgh, really?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I stopped brushing them after I lost my job.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08There didn't seem much point.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13Oh. Never mind, you've always got me.
0:17:13 > 0:17:19That's true. I'll always have my best friend.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23LOUISE GAGS AND CHOKES
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Oh, crap!
0:17:28 > 0:17:32We have to stay married. We can't get divorced.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37- Why?- It's a long story, Gaz, one that ends with Louise's death!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Yeah, once again, why?
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Gaz, trust me.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I can't be divorced at this age.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45It's better than being 50.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47What chance would you have of meeting someone new?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Thanks!
0:17:54 > 0:17:57He's right. I mean, I'd be all right, men improve with age.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58But you... Urgh!
0:18:00 > 0:18:05You'd be tucking your arse into your socks, and throwing your tits over your shoulders.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06It's not pretty.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Thank you! That's cheered me up! I already feel on the scrapheap!
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I swear my nipples are an inch lower than they were at 21!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Inch and a half.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Trust me, I'm an expert.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- Gaz, when we got married... - That was the best day of me life.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Yeah, but that day when we said our vows...
0:18:23 > 0:18:26"Forsaking all others as long as we both shall live?"
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I buggered that one up, didn't I?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29GAZ CHUCKLES
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Sorry.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36Did you actually think, when we were looking into each other's eyes, that we'd end up here?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39No. I didn't think we'd be able to afford a snazzy solicitor.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Unlike the agents in the old town, this one's actually wearing shoes.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- Though not pants. - LAWYER CHUCKLES
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Sorry.- I mean, did you think that it was gonna be forever?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Yeah, course, why not?
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Did you, though,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59or did some tiny part of you think that it wouldn't last?
0:18:59 > 0:19:04That this marriage was just a band-aid over a much greater wound in our relationship?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08"A much greater wound in our relationship?"
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Who are you, William Wordsmith?
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- Worth.- What's worth?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18William Wordsworth.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Who's he?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24A poet.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Never heard of him.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Is he as good as William Wordsmith?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Look, that's beside the point.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35I just need to know whether you thought these vows meant anything.
0:19:35 > 0:19:41You know, not since what's done is done, but when you said those things to me in the registry office.
0:19:42 > 0:19:48Donna, when we got married, I loved you with everything I had.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Those vows were from the heart.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I would have died for you.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56You know, I'd have done anything to make you do your special smile -
0:19:56 > 0:19:57the one you only do for me.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01It's not that one.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07No, it's not that one.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Now you just look mental.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Marrying you... Yeah, it was what I'd always wanted.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Messing it up was the biggest mistake I ever made.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Then why did you do it?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Because... I don't know. Love.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35- Our love, it wasn't enough. - It wasn't.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I'm asking you if you felt like that because...
0:20:37 > 0:20:40when I said those vows... No, even...
0:20:40 > 0:20:44even before that, you know? When we got engaged, when you proposed...
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I just always had this feeling like I was going along with it.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49That that was what life was about.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53The whole time I had this little voice in my head...
0:20:53 > 0:20:56telling me that it wasn't right, but I just...
0:20:56 > 0:20:57kept ignoring it.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Well, you could have mentioned it!
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Here's muggins sat here, none the wiser, your little voice saying,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08"Donna, Gaz isn't right for you. He isn't good enough for you.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11"He accidentally weed on your toothbrush and didn't tell you."
0:21:17 > 0:21:19What?! And...
0:21:19 > 0:21:21How?!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24After sex, it shoots off in all directions.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Only buy yellow towels.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Once I sent that tip into Chat magazine - they never used it.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37No, Gaz, what I'm trying to say is that it's my fault that we're here.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I should never have married you.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43We'd all be so much better off if we'd never met.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Hello, fat Gaz.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I like it when you come in, you're very slimming.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I try my best.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Are you off on the pull tonight, then?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh, aye. Yeah.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Be off down all the trendy wine bars, and the clubs of the old town.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Strutting me stuff. Showing the ladies what I'm made of.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- Shall I stick your tune on, get you in the mood?- Oh, aye, aye.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I could do with a bit of warming up.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
0:22:18 > 0:22:20# And they're like, it's better than yours
0:22:20 > 0:22:22# Damn right, it's better than yours
0:22:22 > 0:22:24# I can teach you, but I have to charge
0:22:24 > 0:22:27# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
0:22:27 > 0:22:29# And they're like, it's better than yours
0:22:29 > 0:22:31# Damn right, it's better than yours
0:22:31 > 0:22:33# I can teach you, but I have to charge... #
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I see fat Gaz is in again.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I know. It's a shame, isn't it?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Well, he looks happy enough.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I've never seen him with a woman, though.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Well, apparently he was quite a looker in his youth.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- All of the women fancied him. - Never!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Yeah. He couldn't settle down though,
0:22:52 > 0:22:56so he just lives this hedonistic lifestyle of eating, drinking and...
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Well, not sex any more, I can tell you that.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03How can he even find the thing?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Look at him go! What a tragedy.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09If only he'd met the right woman.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16- It's a tragedy. - I can't imagine how my life would be different if we never met.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Oh, yes, I can.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Morning, Miss Henshaw. - Morning, Coots.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Have a bunch of cash, I'm loaded. Is the toyboy ready?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Scrubbed and waiting, Miss Henshaw.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Excellent. SHE LAUGHS
0:23:45 > 0:23:49If I'd never met you, I could have had a limousine! Hmm.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- OAF!- Well go and get one, then!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55You've still got time, your looks - for three years.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00You've got that brilliant brain. What's stopping you signing these papers, and grabbing your dream?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15This says Mike Tyson!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Gaz!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19And yours says Vera Lynn!
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Oh, why can't we do this?!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Because... we don't want to be divorced.- No.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- So you'll stay together? - BOTH: No!
0:24:26 > 0:24:30We don't wanna be divorced from anyone. We don't want to be divorcees.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- We don't have to be.- I don't wanna to stay married to you, Gaz.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I don't wanna be married to you.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38What if... I marry Janet, you marry Wesley?
0:24:38 > 0:24:43Wesley isn't just gonna marry me like that. I know I'm a catch, but it's too soon.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45But he will do one day.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49And I... You know, I really wanna marry Janet. The way I feel about her...
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Is it the same way you felt about me?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Happy, Gaz?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Yeah!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05'This was a mistake.'
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- Enjoy!- Cheers, Tim.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22SHE BURPS
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Better out than in.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27'This was a mistake.'
0:25:27 > 0:25:32Gaz, I need to go round Louise's on Friday night to tell her how pretty and thin she is for three hours.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- Your turn, is it?- Mmm.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Donna did a double shift of it last week. Will you babysit?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Yeah, course.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Me and Corinthian have a great time when you're not here.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45'This is the best decision I've ever made.'
0:25:50 > 0:25:53So? Is it the same?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Sometimes, yeah.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I mean, yeah, I feel...
0:26:00 > 0:26:03just as in love with...
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- that person as I did with you. - Then we should do this. Gimme those papers.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- Come here. - SHE SOBS
0:26:30 > 0:26:33So, Mrs Wilkinson...
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Ah!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Ms Henshaw, I think you'll find.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41I'd best go and buy a ring.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43You never got me a ring.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I wanna do it differently this time.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48You know, properly. For the person I love.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Good luck to you, then.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Yeah, good luck yourself.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Thank you.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12I could sling work her way.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Yeah, you've got that market stall.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17This is just what I need to get me out the house.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20I am still part of your life, aren't I?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- For old times' sake...- Yeah!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24You need a USP.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26I think you'll find I have two.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29That's not gonna help you down the market, is it?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Depends what kind of market.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33What are you up to tonight?
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Wesley's has got a meeting with a market inspector, so...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:27:43 > 0:27:47# I wanna cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# And that doesn't mean I can't
0:27:51 > 0:27:53# Handle anything stronger now
0:27:53 > 0:27:55# Just think I'll wait a while... #
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:00 > 0:28:03E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk