0:00:02 > 0:00:04- I don't want to stay married. - I don't want to be married!
0:00:04 > 0:00:09- We need to end this thing.- And, I... I really want to marry Janet.
0:00:12 > 0:00:17THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Hey Mr Bartender give me a drink
0:00:19 > 0:00:24# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# And that doesn't mean I can't
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Handle anything stronger now
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:32 > 0:00:36# I'll have a pint of lager, please!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39# And a packet of flakeys. #
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Just beautiful.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Dreamy.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51It's like God himself shat it out.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Thanks for getting me this. Thanks for getting me a good price on it.
0:00:55 > 0:01:00- Mates rates, innit? No worries. - Is it real then?!- Yes.- But how?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02There isn't an Argos for miles.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05No, it's my mum's.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06He's a lifesaver.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07He's got me the perfect ring.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10It's just... I wish I could propose the way I want.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Really special, with a big bash.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15She isn't gonna marry you if you punch her, Gaz.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19No, a bash like a party.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Somewhere nice like the Empire State Building
0:01:22 > 0:01:24or at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27No, it's impossible.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Scared of heights, is she?
0:01:29 > 0:01:34We've got no money! I'm the only one working and Corinthian eats like he's got worms.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Are you sure he hasn't just got worms?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38We've only just wormed him.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43We only knew there was something wrong after he started
0:01:43 > 0:01:46dragging his arse along the carpet like a scabby mongrel.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I had a girlfriend that used to do that.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Oh no, a border collie.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I get confused cos they both had eight nipples.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01He left loads of skidmarks behind him.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03We think he was trying to spell something out.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06"Put me in a nappy" perhaps?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09We can't afford nappies! We're low on funds. And Janet...
0:02:09 > 0:02:12she's not helping, even though Corinthian's at preschool.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I didn't know he was Catholic.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20"Pre" school. Not priest!
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Janet needs to get back to work.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I could sling some work her way.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- Oh, yeah, you've got that market stall now.- Get your pears!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Do you actually sell pears?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33We do not!
0:02:33 > 0:02:38We sell Val Doonican CDs but that doesn't really have the same ring.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43- You get her a job then I could have the proposal of my dreams.- Group hug.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You're a life saver!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- I'll go and see her.- Can I come too?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It gets lonely with just Arthur.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52The whole dead wife thing, yawnorama.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Tim, this is a man's job.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06So...you thinking of going back to work at all any time soon?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09No.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Can I ask why?
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Not finished my Nutella.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Jesus I need a longer tongue.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Janet, I'm a bit worried about you.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Ever since you lost thatpolicing job
0:03:20 > 0:03:23all you do is sit around and eat shit.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25It isn't shit, it's Nutella.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29They look similar, but that just saves time as it's passing through.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34That's not good for you, you need to get out there, get a job.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- Have you seen the job market? - Yes, have you?
0:03:38 > 0:03:43No. I try to look but every time I open the paper the stress starts making me feel ill.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Well, what if I were help you?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I could get you shifts at the pub with me and Tim.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Could you?! Oh, Donna, I didn't like to ask.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55I thought I'd be stepping on your toes and I already did that by stealing your husband.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00That's all forgotten about...
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- You just finalised your divorce. - All forgotten about.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08And we celebrated by watching that porno you and Gaz made, Here Bums the Bride.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13I wish that was forgotten about, but no matter, I'll save the day, again.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Oh, Donna, thank you. Come here.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Janet! Janet!
0:04:22 > 0:04:27Wesley has got you a job on his market stall! Isn't that ace?!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- What? Really? But... - What? Really?- Yeah!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, my God, that's brilliant.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Oh, I'll be off then. Nobody seems to be needing me around here.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40That's great.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I'll see you later, then.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Great.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Thanks, mates!
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Donna, thank God you're here. I was beginning to feel a bit unpopular.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Tell me about it. Have you seen Louise?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59She's gone for a girly weekend with her mates.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- What? What mates?- Her girly mates. - But, why wasn't I invited?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I'm a girly mate, listen.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Oh, my god, I just love your tiny bag!
0:05:10 > 0:05:12You've lost weight! Let's have a Lambrini!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Oh my God, that felt wrong.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Well, I for one am glad you're here.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22I need to warn you that Gaz is proposing to Janet tonight.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24What? But I'm...
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Just...
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Tonight?!
0:05:27 > 0:05:32Five words do not a sentence make.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Oh, Donna, you're crying!
0:05:34 > 0:05:35It's not that bad!
0:05:35 > 0:05:37It's my thighs, isn't it?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40You're upset by my thighs.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41You wouldn't be the first.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Helena won't pay for the lipo.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I just feel like I'm losing everyone.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Gaz and Janet'll get married, then I'll never see him again.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Or, you know, Janet...
0:05:52 > 0:05:57No, Donna, don't hang onto the past or you'll end up like Arthur,
0:05:57 > 0:06:00always going on about that dead wife of his. Drama queen!
0:06:02 > 0:06:07I just need a way of staying part of his life and Janet's.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I mean Louise has got her invisible mates.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Wesley's got his market stall. Where have all my friends gone?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16What?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I can't use my breasts to keep hold of them, Tim.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23If you keep living in the past you're going to get hurt.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Heed my warning, Donna, it's time to let it go.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29No, I can't.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Gaz is here, dry your eyes, you don't want him to see you crying now, do you?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Guess who's proposing to Janet?!
0:06:38 > 0:06:42I think I'm going to have to venture... Papa Smurf?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45No, me dickhead.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47It's a big secret, though, so hush puppy.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50All I need is the right romantic setting.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54You know, the right beer, the right curry house, the right lube.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Well, that's romantic.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I can't afford anything fancy.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I need some help cos every time I imagine something cheap
0:07:03 > 0:07:07I just picture Jodie Marsh in her pants.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Just squatting.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14What you need is somebody who knows you both really well.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16You know, somebody who's good at this sort of thing.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Somebody organised, somebody who's a really good mate.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Thanks for pointing them out, Donna, but I don't need an excuse to look at your tits.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- No! Me!- Mistake!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Donna, I would have asked you but...
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Wouldn't it be a bit weird, we're divorced.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40It'd be like getting some old rotten meat out of the bin to help bake this perfect wonderful pie.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48Rotten old meat? You are comparing me to rotten old meat?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Yeah, all right, not rotten just... You know, used.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Mouldy, you know, a bit past its best.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Please just let go of my balls.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04This is precisely why I didn't ask you. It's weird.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06No! No, Gaz it's not weird.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09You know, it's modern. It's progressive!
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- It's very French, very chic.- Sheep?!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Gaz just let me help you, I want us all to be friends.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23I feel a bit of an outsider at the mo, so... How about a party?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Yes! A party. Gaz go home and organise it now.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29He needs me, Tim, thank you.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31What a girly party with lots of things girls like?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34You know, like Ugg boots
0:08:34 > 0:08:37and hoovering...
0:08:37 > 0:08:42- A bit of squatting.- You're crap at female orientated parties.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- I'm not! All my parties have a feminine aspect to them.- What aspect?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49The strippers.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Have you completely forgotten the last time you tried to arrange something like this? Our wedding...
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Actually both our weddings, both were completely horrible!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59There were cauliflowers.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04Proving that anything involving you and you is a disaster.
0:09:04 > 0:09:10If you don't want this party to be a complete disaster, then, I think you should let me help organise it.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I am still part of your life, aren't I?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Go on then... For old time's sake.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25A market stall holder?! Do you really think I've got what it takes?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I've not done a full day's work for over a year.
0:09:27 > 0:09:32Well, it was either you or Arthur and Arthur's always going on about that dead wife of his.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Drama queen.
0:09:35 > 0:09:42At least you haven't got a dead... Anyway, what do you think?
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I think Wesley Presley that you're a lifesaver!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48This is just what I need to get me out of the house!
0:09:50 > 0:09:54- All you've got to remember is we are a very tight knit bunch us market traders.- Oh, really?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- Do you have a secret handshake? - Yeah, I'll teach you.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- What's so secret about that?- Are you going to tell anyone about it?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Perhaps you're the girl that can finally shift those Val Doonican CDs.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Val Doonican?!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15He can write a tune, he can.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21He can make the ladies swoon, he can.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25One day he could go to the moon, he can.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Tea?- Janet, you're a market stall girl now.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35You say "Hows about a nice brew then, lovely?"
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh, I see. And do I say "Ricky!"?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42We just find that a bit insulting, to be honest.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Oh. Well.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47When can you start?
0:10:47 > 0:10:51To be honest I've been feeling a bit unwell recently, so I wondered if...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Well, I really need someone today.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I can start soon, I can!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Sorry.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Donna, get back behind that bar and serve the customers. We've a rush on.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09There's nobody here. Anyway, I'm going to help Gaz - he's my friend.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10You're being very destructive.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13If it's friends you want, I'm here.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I have got my beady eye out, Donna Wilkinson.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21Well, you best put it away then, before you drip pre-cum on the floor.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29I've been thinking of proposing to Janet on bended knee, but then I thought
0:11:29 > 0:11:34that's unoriginal cos that's how I proposed to you and that was rubbish.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Then I thought sky-writing.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39But I don't have a marker pen big enough.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42So, I came up with this.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Spice Girls have aged badly.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54No. Look, it's a puzzle, you have to work out what it says from the pictures.
0:11:54 > 0:12:00OK, prince, sheep, virgin, mechanic.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03No, it's as clear as day.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Will, you, Mary, me?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Maybe I'm just too clever.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Took me ages to cut out that sheep's head out.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Women want to be proposed to romantically.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Gaz, you should let me help you.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I want her to be surprised.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Have you got a ring?- Oh, aye. Yeah.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Wesley got it for me.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31It's a family heirloom.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Wesley gave you his family heirloom?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37My boyfriend gave...
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Am I ever going to get a ring?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41You didn't even get me an engagement ring.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44You said, "If it's a ring you're after, check this out". Then...
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I bent over and showed you me arse.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Val Doonican? He can croon, he can!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56No?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Excuse me? Would you like some large pants? They're very lovely.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03No? Ah, you sir?
0:13:03 > 0:13:10You look like someone who would like to buy 12 Easter eggs from the former Yugoslavia.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Here you are, love. Get that down you. You deserve it.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Been on your feet all day. How much have you shifted then?
0:13:15 > 0:13:21Well, nothing. But we have had a lot of stuff nicked so at least we're popular!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23You're being too coy for the customers.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25You need to give it a bit of the old cockney charm.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- What? You mean be rude and obnoxious? I can't do that. - No, like this.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Ladies and gents, gather round cos everything's a pound!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36From bog roll to chocs to a dolls in a box.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Wesley Presley's the bloke that will not leave you broke. Here you are, love.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45Grab one of these and I'll also chuck in a couple of extra cans of Fanta for the young 'uns, eh?
0:13:50 > 0:13:51- A word!- Ow!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Back out now, lady.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56You're only going to hurt yourself further with this. Look at you.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Your eyeballs are redder than an embarrassed radish.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Like I always say, "Once your balls go red, stop pushing".
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I mean, why would Wesley do that?
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Wouldn't you want to save your family heirloom for the person you wanted to marry?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Aw! Poor Donna...
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- YEAH, COS THAT'S WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU!- Don't shout at me!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I'll shout all I want.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I'm shouting because I might soon be the only friend you've got left.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Leave Gaz and Janet alone.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29They're happy.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34You're not and you're jealous like Danni Minogue in a sixth form college.
0:14:35 > 0:14:41I am not jealous and to prove it I will even pay for the frigging party.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43A frigging party!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46That's what I'm talking about.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51Nice try with the guilt trip, Tim, but me and Gaz are going to organise this ourselves.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54You are playing a very dangerous game, young lady.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58This is Russian Roulette with lives!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Lives!
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Ooh, I like that. I think I might use it again.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Sorry about that.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09So... What does Janet really, really like?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Did I hear you say you'd pay?
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Oh, anything! Absolutely anything. Your happiness is my happiness.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Janet likes... Marmite.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21I can't centre a proposal around Marmite, Gaz. You know I haven't
0:15:21 > 0:15:25been able to go near the stuff since you made me lick a whole jarful out of your arse crack.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32That's Marmite-rimming for you.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36You either love it or you hate it.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- No, Gaz.- No, you're probably right.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46You know what, Donna. It's actually nice spending time with you without divorcing you
0:15:46 > 0:15:50or sleeping with you or being attracted to you in any way.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Ooh, I feel wanted.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Well, maybe not that last one.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01We should go shopping! Decorations, flowers, food.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- It's all on me!- Sweet.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07You know as well as I do what she's doing. Don't be stupid.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Well, what are you waiting for? Come on.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12I'm judging you.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16Lives!
0:16:20 > 0:16:26Bloody cockneys. They're just so pushy and they're obsessed with weird foods.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Jellied ells, whelks, dog and bone.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Janet! What's up with you?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Are you ill again? Did you start your period or something?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39What?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Is that what it is? Is that why you ran off? Was it your period?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- Why are you asking me that? - Because if it was your period I'll understand.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Was it your period?
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Are you having your period?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Stop saying "period".
0:16:54 > 0:17:00Sorry. It's just Donna said that if I'm afraid of something I should use the word and it'll become less scary.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Cybermen.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07It's just... I haven't had a job since the police threw me out.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Then the first one I get I don't even last a day.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13It just upsets me, that's all. It actually gives me stomachache.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15It's stress, is that.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Don't be stressed.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20It was your first day. I'll teach you.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23You've just got to have a bit of banter with the punters.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25A bit of what with the what?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Wesley, I am too sick for this.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29OK. Let's pretend I'm an old lady.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Try and sell me this. What is this?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35It's Jonny, my husband who died.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39You've kept his head?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Yes, it's the bit with the kisses.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48OK, hello little old lady. Would you like to buy my dead husband's head?
0:17:48 > 0:17:53- No. No, no, no, no, no. - What?- You need a USP.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- A what?- A USP.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Ooh, like a psychic power?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00A Unique Selling Point.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I think you'll find I have two.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06That's not going to help you out on the market, is it?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Depends what kind of market.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11What you need to do is find a way to be persuasive,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15to make people trust you and want to buy Val Doonican CDs from you.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I used to work in a baker's, people bought things off me all the time.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21That's because this is Runcorn. Pastry is a vitamin here.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Yeah, true.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26But what do I do? What is my USP?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I've got it!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Now, love, these bloomers would cost upwards of eight quid in Japan.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I can let you have them for four quid for six pairs.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Get out! We're not paying that for knickers.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Oh, come on. I got to make a profit, ain't I?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Look, I can get ten pairs for half that price off Fast Eddie.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Come on, girls!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Fast Eddie's knickers are second-hand!- Yeah-yeah-yeah.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52All right, all right. I tell you what. I'll do them for three quid for six.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57And I'll also throw in a free Val Doonican CD and a kiss for the first woman who buys them.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Well, that's more like it, ain't it, girls? Here you are!
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Bargain at half the price.
0:19:08 > 0:19:15- Oh! That was so much fun! - It was like you were Daddy Warbucks and I was Fanny.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16It's Annie.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Not in the film I saw.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23What is all this crap? Is it even edible?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26They eat them in that London. They're blinis.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Who's Bill Ini?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- Gaz.- Is he from that London?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Must be with a silly name like Bill Ini.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39- People round here are called sensible things like Corinthian or Timothy Claypole.- Gaz.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Ivor Hardon.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Nobody's called Ivor Hardon.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49I never said they were.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Seriously, I do have a hard-on. - Will you be sensible?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Oh, me eyes!
0:19:56 > 0:19:57What's happened to me eyes?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Stop it, Gaz.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05We are divorced. Some might say we should be excoriating each other.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Ooooo.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Via our solicitors.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14- Ooooo.- Over the phone.- Oooo.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18You know what? I've missed this.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20We have good times together.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I know. I miss it too.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Gaz, you touch me in a very special way.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Ooooo.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Can you not be serious for once?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I can be seriously sexy.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33You know what your trouble is?
0:20:33 > 0:20:34What? Shagging Janet?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Over it.- Let me see. What is it?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Sleeping with your mum? Ooo...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Shit. No, shit. Sorry, I forgot she was dead.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I'm so sorry. I've pushed it too far. Donna, I'm sorry.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53No, that's fine. It's absolutely fine.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58Please feel free to make jokes about shagging my dead mother.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01You can't take anything seriously, can you?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Not my mum's death, not our wedding vows.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Oh, this. I knew you weren't over it!
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- I wonder. Can anyone see why we're divorced?- I can!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Liiiives!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Shut up, Tim! Talk to Arthur, you big closet case.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24That's nice. That's really nice, Donna, great friend you are.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Yeah? If I'm such a terrible friend, maybe I shouldn't be part of your lives for a while.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Oh, go on then. Why don't you excoriate me, then?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Oh, wow! You learnt a word!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35You know what? We just can't be friends. We can't.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38We're divorced. This is what happens, right?
0:21:38 > 0:21:42You think you can stay friends but really there's always this resentment, this hatred.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44You hate me?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Right now, a little bit.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Well, I don't hate you.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01You were brilliant!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03You're a natural! High five!
0:22:03 > 0:22:08- Janet, are you OK? You look a bit pale. - I thought it would go away.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Maybe I just need to fart it out.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15While you do that, can I use your toilet?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18I just need to empty my bowels.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- By having a bowel movement. - Go ahead.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Gaz, I'm glad you're home. I've been feeling really unwell.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- I think I need a doctor. - It's Donna, right?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33She was helping me organise this big surprise for you and it's ruined. She ruined it.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I don't think I could cope with a surprise. I really feel unwell.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40It doesn't matter now, anyway. It'll have to wait.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I don't want you talking to her any more, right?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Gaz, what has she done?
0:22:44 > 0:22:48I've not seen you this angry since you dipped your cock in that jar of VapoRub.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I thought it was lard.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53At least it's airways are clear.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57It's Donna.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59She just won't let things go.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02That's not true. She let you go.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04And she let Runcorn go so we could be together.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Gaz, I really think I need a doctor.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08What's up, love?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I've got really bad stomachache.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15She was only trying to help me, she was only trying to help us, really.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17It must be hard for her.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Yeah, poor Donna. Gaz, I really think...- Yes, I know, I know.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22You're right. I'll go and apologise.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Oh.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I have flushed my faeces.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Baby Spice.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Argh! Oh!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Janet, are you OK?
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- Donna?- Gaz.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47I'm, er...sorry about earlier.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I do miss arguing with you.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50It's not the same with Janet.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Yes, the tit wanks are more cushiony.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57But it's still not the same.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Janet's your soulmate.
0:24:00 > 0:24:06You made that choice and I should just stop interfering in that relationship. It's just...
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I was jealous, all right?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10You?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Jealous? But your life's perfect.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15You're perfect.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20I've had an amazing time today, and I haven't even ejaculated.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24I don't want you out of my life at all.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26I love you.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28You know, as a friend.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- As a best friend.- Don't, Gaz.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Look, listen, Donna.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Yes?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I want you to be part of this.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Right? So...
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Will you be my best man?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Because you're my best woman.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Course I will.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54- That's great.- I'm not stripping at the stag do, though.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56It's tradition!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Period. Period.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- Period. Per...- Wesley, get Gaz.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Wesley, come with me!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Wesley, get Gaz. Wesley, come with me!
0:25:11 > 0:25:16- Me and you never had an engagement party, did we?- No. We didn't.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Would it have been like the one today, with bellinis?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Yeah, it would have been, to be honest.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Only in a different pub.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- Well, obviously. - Without the arguing?
0:25:25 > 0:25:30Well, I could have done without the whole "I've shagged your dead mother" debate.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32And with a different man.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33No, with the same man.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43Well, I better call it a night. What are you and Wesley up to tonight?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Wesley's got a meeting with the market inspector, so...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Wesley, it hurts so much.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Where's Gaz? - Oh, you want me to phone him?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02That might be nice, you big cockney twat!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05How rude. I'll make my excuses.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Don't you dare leave me! Oh, where's Gaz?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Period. Bowel movement. Cybermen.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Janet in pain.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16- What are you doing? - I'm trying not to be scared. You say the word, it becomes less scary.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Dying, leaving Corinthian, dying, leaving Corinthian.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Now I've got two more. Thanks a lot.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25- I got here as soon as I could. - What's he doing here?!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- Oh, it's nice to feel wanted. - He's the only one I could contact.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31What's the matter? Where's Gaz?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- I could'nt get hold of anyone. - Well, try again!
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- Where you taking her?- We have to prep her for surgery immediately.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Find Gaz! Please!
0:26:41 > 0:26:42SHE WAILS
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Tim, I'm scared.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Ah. Ah, there there.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51It's nice to feel wanted.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Now toughen up, you big pansy.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I'll stay here. You go and phone Gaz.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04MOANING AND GROANING
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Oh, why don't I have a boyfriend, Timothy? Why?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- Janet's in hospital?- Not any more, no. She's at home, kicking off.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21She got all moody when I told her I'd been shagging you.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24It's been so long since I've had a good banging,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I think my mimsy may have scabbed over.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Look, I want to talk to you. I want to apologise.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Sowwy!
0:27:34 > 0:27:35I know you slept with Gaz.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Oh, right.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# Oh, mr bartender, give me a drink
0:27:40 > 0:27:44# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:27:45 > 0:27:48# And that doesn't mean I can't
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# Handle anything stronger now
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# Just think I'll wait a while
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# And a pack of flakeys. #