0:00:00 > 0:00:01This programme contains adult humour and strong language.
0:00:02 > 0:00:03- Donna, it's time to let go!- Can't!
0:00:03 > 0:00:08I've not seen you this angry since you dipped your cock in VapoRub.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11You know as well as I do what she's doing! Don't be stupid.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13- Where's Gaz?- want me to phone him?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16That might be nice, you big Cockney twat!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:00:32 > 0:00:36# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now
0:00:36 > 0:00:38# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:38 > 0:00:42# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:00:42 > 0:00:45# And a pack of flakies. #
0:00:53 > 0:00:55GAZ GROANS
0:00:55 > 0:00:57PHHRRRT!
0:00:58 > 0:01:02- I was under the covers. It went in my mouth.- Donna?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04That's right.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- We're naked.- I know.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- We had sex!- I know.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- You let me do you up the shi... - All right, Gaz, I know!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I don't know what I was thinking.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17You were thinking, "I want you up me, like a rat up a drain-pipe!"
0:01:17 > 0:01:19GAZ CHUCKLES SMUGLY
0:01:19 > 0:01:21So.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Here we are again, Donna.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Me and you - bumping uglies.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28You're a pig!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Aye, and you want my sausage.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32This was a mistake.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35A hot, sweaty, passionate, mistake.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37It was nothing. It was just an accidental shag.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Four accidental shags, actually.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44But this wasn't supposed to happen. I am too good for you.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Besides, you've got Janet and Corinthian now.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49We have all moved on. Shit, Janet! I've got to get home.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I won't repeat this any time soon. Oh, no.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55One last bonk. We don't have feelings for each other.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- We don't need let it happen again. - Exactly.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- Little hand job for the road?- Yeah. - OK.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Well, I must say I enjoyed that.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13I haven't been to a hospital since that vacuuming accident last year.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I wish I could say I enjoyed it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I go in with simple stomach pains and wake up missing an organ.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22It's just your appendix, Janet.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Better out than in.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Funny, that's what the doctor said to me about the Hoover.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Don't worry about your appendix.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32The nurse put it in a little jar for you to take home.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Gaz! Corinthian! I'm home!
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Ow, shit.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I don't think anyone's here.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44What? Where's Gaz? You said he was at home with Corinthian.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Well, I didn't want to worry you.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Corinthian's still at your Mum's. We couldn't find Gaz.- Oh, my God!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55What if he's hurt? He could be dead in a ditch!
0:02:55 > 0:03:00- Don't be silly, Gaz isn't dead! - Course not! At worst he's unconscious...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02or trapped somewhere.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04OW!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Was it your appendix again?- Yes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Oh, why don't I have a boyfriend, Timothy?
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Why?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Perhaps it's your whiny voice.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Or your insane temper tantrums.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28Or the huge hair. Weave it alone, girlfriend. That's all I'm saying.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It was a rhetorical question, you prissy twat.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I'm sick of playing the raspberry.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I don't want to be on my own any more.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43I just want someone to love me, cherish me, and pay for my drinks.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I'm welling up.
0:03:46 > 0:03:51And it's been so long since I've had a good banging, I think my mimsy may have scabbed over.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56But I may as well give up all hope.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00I'll never find my prince in shitty old Runcorn.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01You know what they say, Louise?
0:04:01 > 0:04:06The minute you stop looking for love, Mr Right will walk straight in to your life.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Oh!- Oh!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22GAZ!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Frigging hell!
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Where the hell have you been?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Nowhere. I just nipped out...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30for a...shit.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Why didn't you answer your phone?
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Wesley's been trying to call to tell you I was having an operation.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42What? You finally had that hairy thing cut off your arse?
0:04:42 > 0:04:43I had my appendix out.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47I discharged myself so I could come home to see my family, only to find that no-one was here.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50You've been in hospital all night and you didn't think to tell me?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I was unconscious! That's why Wesley was calling you.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Didn't you notice I wasn't here?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Well, I, er...
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Hang on a minute. What the hell was Wesley doing with you?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03He stayed with me at the hospital.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Oh, really?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Yes. If it wasn't for him, I'd have been on my own.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Well, apart from Tim, but he was too busy quizzing the nurses
0:05:11 > 0:05:15on where he could find one of those lovely upside-down watches they wear.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Oh. Well, thank God for Wesley Presley(!)
0:05:17 > 0:05:19At least he was there for me.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I've had an operation and you haven't asked how I am!
0:05:22 > 0:05:27I can't believe I'm last to know, Janet! Bloody charming, that is.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Look, I don't want to argue. I feel awful.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31And so you should, Janet.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33So you should.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Hang on a minute.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39You're telling me the whole time I was round the flat banging Donna,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42you...YOU were lying in a hospital bed,
0:05:42 > 0:05:46holding hands with Wesley Presley, like some big slag?!
0:05:46 > 0:05:50How do you think that makes me feel, Janet? Eh?
0:05:52 > 0:05:53What did you just say?
0:05:53 > 0:05:57How do you think that makes me feel?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Before that?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06You're a big slag?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08You've been with Donna?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Don't try and turn this around on me, Janet.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17You've been shagging Donna, while I lay in an operating theatre,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20and you're seriously going to sit there and have a go at me?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I was going to, yes.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25How could you do this to me?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Look, Janet, it was an accident.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33No, Gaz. Mistaking the Deep Heat for the FemFresh is an accident.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38You shagging Donna behind my back is just horrible.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41It was a mistake. It probably won't happen again.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46You cheeky bastard. Get out!
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Ow!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Listen... I'm hungry, can I have some toast first?
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- Piss off, Gaz!- I'll go. I'll go.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Fine!
0:06:56 > 0:07:00You let me know when you're ready to apologise.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Tim, I've done something terrible.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Aw, Don-dons. What could you possibly have done that's that bad?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I shagged Gaz.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Oh, Donna, you whore!
0:07:15 > 0:07:20I know, I know! I'm a stupid, slutty beast. I don't know how it happened.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24I do. You two have been spending far too much time together.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I warned you this would happen, Donna Henshaw.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28But did you listen to Uncle Tim?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Did you bollocks.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- I've got to find Janet. - Not right now you don't. Oi!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Can you have a word with your fella,
0:07:36 > 0:07:41who sat by Janet's hospital bed, holding her hand, all night long apparently. The bastard!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44What? Janet's in hospital?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Not any more. She's at home, kicking off.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50She got all moody when I told her I'd been shagging you.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53You told... You told Janet? You dick!
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Why did you tell her? Wesley's going to hate me.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Who cares about Wesley?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02I do. I'm not going to let one night ruin everything.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Last night was a terrible mistake. I have moved on.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Hello, my little Northern omelette. How's the invalid?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Not very good, actually.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22This might cheer you up. I have fashioned a rudimentary necklace.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Aw!
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Out of your appendix.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Ewww!
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Why the tearful tears?
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Your bloody girlfriend shagged Gaz. That's why!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Er...yeah. Then you shagged him, Jonny died.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Donna moved to London, met me...
0:08:37 > 0:08:41I had no idea memory was stored in the appendix.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Last night. While I lay dying, Wesley Presley.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48While you were dressed as Kelly Osbourne and fingering yourself.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Never happened.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52God, those drugs were good.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55But Gaz and Donna - that happened.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- If you don't believe me, go and smell his fingers.- Eugh!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Oh...
0:09:08 > 0:09:13I hope you don't mind but I just had to compliment you on your beautiful eyes. I'm Scott.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Oh, I'm blushing...
0:09:16 > 0:09:19..but thanks for noticing, Scott.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I was actually talking to the lovely lady.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- Sorry, have we met before? I feel I recognise you.- I don't think so.
0:09:25 > 0:09:31I must be getting confused cos I used to be in a boy band. Getting you mixed up with Sinitta.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I've met her twice.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Shut up! You were in a boy band?!
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- For my sins. I don't like to talk about it much though. - What were you called?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44We were a Runcorn-based R&B group, called R-Soul.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I was the rapper.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I don't believe it! I went to one of your gigs in the Arndale!
0:09:50 > 0:09:55I got escorted out by security for pinging my thong off a balcony and blinding a pensioner.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Crazy days!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Crazy!
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- You were a famous pop star?- Yeah. But I don't like to talk about it.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Excuse me, need a slash.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I can't believe I'm talking to the R-Soul rapper!
0:10:13 > 0:10:18I've talked to an R-Soul Ripper online but he was clearly disturbed.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22He's too good to be true, Tim. There has to be something wrong with him.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Every boyfriend I've ever had has turned out to be weird in some way.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- Cross-dresser, alcoholic, Australian.- Oh!
0:10:30 > 0:10:35I need to find out what's wrong with him before I could possibly think about fancying him.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40Tim, follow him to the toilet and check he's not got a gun.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Oh, if you insist.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Better safe than sorry!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Oh, God. This is terrible.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I know.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58You three are like bloody animals, constantly rutting each other.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03It's disgusting! Gaz is with Donna one week, you next. You're a cult!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I am not! Gaz is - for cheating.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I said "cult", Janet.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- It's immoral.- All right, Louise. I never meant for this to happen.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20We're adults now, Janet. It's time to grow up and behave with dignity.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22And what's stuck up your arse today?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26I'm desperate for a man.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I may have found one, but he's possibly a psychopath
0:11:29 > 0:11:34- masquerading as an ex-member of a Runcorn-based boy band.- What?
0:11:34 > 0:11:35I need to check out his alibi,
0:11:35 > 0:11:39then I can save myself any future heartache.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Have you ever thought that perhaps you should just give him a chance?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Maybe... but first I'll steal his wallet
0:11:44 > 0:11:46and track down his medical records.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49PHONE BEEPS
0:11:49 > 0:11:53It's Donna. She's on her way round. Sorry, Louise, I haven't time.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Like you said, we're adults. I need to talk to Donna, woman to woman.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59And punch her in the tits.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Gaz shagged Donna!
0:12:06 > 0:12:11Oh, my God, that's awful! I can not believe I'm hearing this.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15I for one, am truly shocked, not to mention a little surprised.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21- Why, Gaz? I thought you and Donna were finished.- So did I.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I ought to kick your arse!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Go on, then.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Perhaps in a bit.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30What are you gonna do, Gaz?
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Donna's with Wesley and you and Janet have a child together.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I know, but I'm confused.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38They're obviously both in love with me.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Perhaps they could share me.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42What?
0:12:42 > 0:12:46You know, have me half the week each and toss for Sundays?
0:12:47 > 0:12:53Or we could all live together, like one of them Moomin families.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58But I don't know who I love more. I mean, Donna was my wife.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03We've got a history. She gives a superb blow-job. ..Hey, Wesley?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09And then... Janet's the mother of my child.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11The woman I longed to be with.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15She's not opposed to slipping a finger up my arse now and then.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21You've got responsibilities now.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23That little lad's already lost one Daddy.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27God, you're right.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I can't leave Corinthian.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Janet, I had no idea you were ill...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36You curly-haired slut-bag!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38And while I lay in a hospital bed,
0:13:38 > 0:13:40close to death too indeed. For shame!
0:13:42 > 0:13:48- I thought you just had your appendix taken out.- OW! For shame!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I am so sorry, Janet.
0:13:50 > 0:13:56You have ruined everything, Donna! How could you do this to me? After everything I've been through.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Everything YOU'VE been through?
0:13:59 > 0:14:04He was my husband first. That didn't stop you jumping in to bed with him, like some chavvy slag, did it?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- OW!- Are you all right? Oh, god, Janet, I am SO sorry.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I honestly never meant for this to happen.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Like you said, I don't suppose I've the right to have a go with you.
0:14:15 > 0:14:21I did exactly the same thing when you were still married. For shame.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24He's an idiot, Janet. A big, muscly idiot.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27And WE are too good for him. I've lived in that London.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32Yeah. You're right. His exquisite buttocks do not make up for the fact
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- that he's both a cad and a scoundrel.- Exactly.
0:14:35 > 0:14:41We are best friends. No man should come between us. We deserve better.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43You're right. Girl Power and that.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- So neither of us will go near Gaz. Agreed?- Agreed.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Five, six, seven, eight.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Louise! Scott's been teaching me some moves.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11I can't believe I'm body-popping with a bona fide celebrity.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- I'll have a drink, when you've finished humping his leg. - I'll get that for you.
0:15:15 > 0:15:21It's all right. I don't want you slipping anything in it to lure me back to your sex cave.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Wow, you're so pretty when you're accusing people of sex crimes.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I'm gonna nip out and make a call.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Louise! You can't be so rude to him.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34He was nominated for a Smash Hits Award.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39Get a grip, Claypole! There's something not right about him.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41You watch the door while I go through his bag.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I can't see a wallet...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51or a birth certificate.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Ooh, an address book!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57And some photos.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Oh, my God!
0:15:59 > 0:16:04Pictures of babies. Looks like he's running some illegal child ring.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09He's only been speaking to me so he can snatch little Louise and sell her to Madonna.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- Are you looking for something? - I, er...saw a rat.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18- It ran into your bag...- OK. - But then I found these.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Would you like to explain yourself?
0:16:20 > 0:16:25That's Nathaniel and Rose - a couple of African orphans I sponsor.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I was building schools in Rwanda.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31You're like a sexy Oxfam advert.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Hey, I'm just a normal guy...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38who happens to be a single, wealthy, ex-boy-band member.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42If you're such a talented, caring, sensitive man,
0:16:42 > 0:16:43why don't you have a girlfriend?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- Oh, I did have - Gemma. We split a couple of months ago.- Why?
0:16:47 > 0:16:48I'd rather not go in to it.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53Oh, well, that's your prerogative and I would never pry.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Would that be Gemma with a 'G'? - Yeah.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06You all right?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10You doing the washing? I've got some skiddy pants...
0:17:10 > 0:17:15- It's not laundry, Gaz. I'm packing your stuff.- Where am I going?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I don't care but you're not staying here.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21I thought you loved me - you've just made a fool of me.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I want to talk you. I want to apologise.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Sowwy!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Why, Gaz? Why did you sleep with Donna?
0:17:34 > 0:17:38She... She forced me.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Gaz! Don't you dare blame all this on Donna.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44You're the one I'm in a relationship with!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46But perhaps this is what I deserve.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I betrayed Donna and now you've betrayed me.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Exactly - you started it!
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- We're supposed to be a family. - We are!
0:17:56 > 0:18:01Can't we just forget about it? I'll wash my cock. It'll be like it never happened.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05No. We can't.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07But we have to work things out.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09For Corinthian. I love him.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11What about me?
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Gaz?!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Sorry, what did you say?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Just take your stuff and go.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I don't want to, Janet.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24I love you.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Really? You mean it?
0:18:26 > 0:18:31Yeah. I don't want to lose you or Corinthian. I love you.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Come on!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Now, those pants either need washing or burning, so come on.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45That was a complete waste of time.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48They split up because he wanted to concentrate on charity work.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50He didn't twat her or anything.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52I don't trust him.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Don't you think this is getting a bit "Fatal Attraction", Louise?
0:18:56 > 0:19:01- Why don't you just ask Scott about his past?- Because he'll lie, Tim.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- Hi, Louise.- Donna!
0:19:03 > 0:19:08I'm surprised you dare show your face around here after what you've done. It's disgusting!
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I know, I know, but it was one night of lust.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Gaz Wilkinson means nothing to me.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17I won't be letting my hole rule my head any longer.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I'm glad to hear it.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24It's important to regain some integrity when it comes to men.
0:19:24 > 0:19:31I've just posed as a gynaecologist to interrogate the ex-girlfriend of a potential new love interest.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35What? How can you dupe a fellow sister like that?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37We're supposed to stick together,
0:19:37 > 0:19:39not lie to win the affections of some man!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Did the suffragette movement teach you nothing?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45PHONE BEEPS
0:19:45 > 0:19:46It's Gaz. Ha!
0:19:46 > 0:19:50The cheeky bastard expects me to meet him at the flat.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Got to go!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Oh, Wesley. Hi.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04I know you slept with Gaz.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Oh, right...
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Oh, God, I'm a horrible person.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11No, you're not.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14You're just a little bit of a nob
0:20:14 > 0:20:15but I still like you.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I brought you a pork pie.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- I don't like pork pies.- Yes, you do. You love 'em. You always have.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I used to, but I've decided not to like them any more.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30They're not good for me.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31One won't hurt.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Yes, it will. I have to get pork pies out of my mind.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38They are too thick...and common...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41and the insides are always full of white gunk.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I'm totally over pork pies. I've moved on!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- You said you missed pork pies in London.- I did.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50But now I'm back and I've realised that it'll never work.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51There's too many feelings involved.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Someone's gonna get hurt and I don't want it to be me again!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57All right. God, it's only a pork pie!
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Are you still in love with Gaz?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Of course I'm not. It was one night of madness.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I don't know what came over me.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- That would be me.- Get out, Gaz!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Fine. I'll go back to the pub.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16Fine! If you're going to refuse to leave, I suppose I'll talk to you.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Wesley, you'd better go.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22But we need to talk, Donna, without this Northern monkey in the way.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Who are you calling a monkey?
0:21:23 > 0:21:28You've been known to throw your own faeces at passing school children.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31You're with Janet. I'm with Donna now.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34So you can just back off. I'm going nowhere.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39Actually, Wesley, Me and Gaz need to talk. I'll call you later.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41OK. Um...I'm going to the pub then.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45But when I get there, I'm going nowhere!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49What do you want?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I need to talk to you.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- Look, Gaz...- No, listen. We can't do this any more. It's not right.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I can't keep hurting Janet... or Corinthian.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I'm his Dad, I can't just leave him.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Of course not. I don't want you to. I can't keep hurting people.
0:22:05 > 0:22:11When I found out about you and Janet I thought I was going to die from the pain, it hurt so much.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12All right, drama queen!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16We split up and I moved away.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Why did you come back?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19You know why. I missed Runcorn.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Runcorn's a shit hole.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I missed my friends.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Your friends are all bastards.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29All right. I missed you, all right?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33You weren't just my husband, Gaz. You were my best friend...
0:22:33 > 0:22:37and I hated not seeing you every day.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Really?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42But you're right, you know. It's over.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44We have to stay away from each other from now on.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49That's the trouble. I don't know if I can.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Don't, Gaz! You just said you couldn't leave Janet.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55It doesn't mean I'm gonna stop loving you.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58You know we belong together.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00You and I, forever and ever.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03No matter where you are...
0:23:03 > 0:23:06you're my guiding star.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Seriously?
0:23:09 > 0:23:13From the very first moment I saw you...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I never felt such emotion.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21That's the "Home And Away" theme tune.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26It's our song.
0:23:26 > 0:23:33- I miss you, Donna.- This is crazy. Are you saying you want to forget the last few months ever happened?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I don't know what I want.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Hiya, Wesley.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Hiya, Janet.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Aw, Wesley.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51- Sorry you got mixed up in all this. - It's not your fault.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54I just can't believe they slept together, after all this time.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I know. It's pretty shitty.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58But don't worry, you and Donna will be all right.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I'm not so sure. There's still something between 'em.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Trust me, nothing's going to happen.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06It was a one-off. Me and Gaz are a family now.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Yeah. That's probably what he's telling her at the flat.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- Gaz and Donna are at the flat? - Yeah. It was really tense.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Like Angie and Den - Christmas Day '86.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23It's fine. They both totally regret it. It was a mistake.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Yeah, you're right.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30Just because they've got this raw, passionate electricity between them doesn't mean anything will happen.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Course not.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37But I might just nip round there and make sure they're OK.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I don't suppose you'd let me buy you a drink now, would you?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I'm not doing anything with you.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Not until I find out what's wrong with you!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Well, there is something.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I knew it! You've got no nipples.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56You eat dogs.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00You're wearing women's underwear! That's it, isn't it? Show me!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Wait! That's not it.- What is it then?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05You'll laugh. Everyone laughs.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I promise I won't. Just tell me.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10It's my surname. It's unusual.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15Oh, God, it's not Stringfellow, is it?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18No. It's Chegg.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19What?
0:25:19 > 0:25:23My name's Scott Chegg.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29That's it?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Isn't that enough? I was bullied for years.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35The other boys grabbed me and rolled me in breadcrumbs in home economics.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38That name has been a curse.
0:25:38 > 0:25:45Well, Scott is a stupid name but... I can live with it.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47So you might want to go out sometime?
0:25:47 > 0:25:52Yes, I think I might. I just appreciate honesty.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57It's important to get all the little secrets out before jumping into a relationship.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58I agree.
0:25:58 > 0:26:03BABY CRIES Is that your baby?
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Let's get you nice and drunk. Then I can tell you all about me.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Only me! Just making sure everything's all right.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21Janet, er...Wesley... We were just...
0:26:21 > 0:26:22having a sleep.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25For old time's sake.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29A sleep? Then why has Donna got a used condom in her hair?
0:26:34 > 0:26:35It's conditioning.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40It's good for split ends.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Well, I'm satisfied. Let's go get some eggs.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I can't believe you two.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50- Gaz, you promised this wouldn't happen again!- Do you want to get in?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53No, I do not! We're not French!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57We can't keep doing this.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58She's right.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02This is ridiculous.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Ridiculous...
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Or strangely arousing?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10You're a dick! Do you love me at all?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13You know I do. And I love Corinthian more than anything.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Then why do you keep doing this?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Because...
0:27:18 > 0:27:19because I love Donna, too.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23It didn't seem to matter when you were shagging me behind her back!
0:27:23 > 0:27:24You said you wanted to be with me.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27We went through all that shit for nothing!
0:27:27 > 0:27:32I'm so sorry, Janet. I never meant for this to happen but I've been kidding myself.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36I wish I didn't but I love him too. I always have.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39What are we going to do?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I don't know. But we can't go on like this.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45It's not fair on any of us. You've got to choose, Gaz.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50It's impossible! It's like trying to choose between Ant and Dec.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54- You have to decide what you want once and for all.- Janet's right.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57It's make-your-mind-up time. There'll be no going back after this.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01It's up to you, Gaz. So who's it going to be?
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:28 > 0:28:31E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk