0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains adult humour
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- You've got to choose, Gaz. - It's impossible.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10It's like trying to choose between Ant and Dec.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14What have I been doing?
0:00:14 > 0:00:16It's obvious who I should be with.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21There's been an accident. Gaz is in hospital.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24I've got to get there! Wesley, give me a lift.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Janet, wait! He doesn't want you there.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28It's always been you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:00:38 > 0:00:43# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:00:43 > 0:00:48# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now
0:00:48 > 0:00:50# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:50 > 0:00:54# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:00:54 > 0:00:56# And a pack of flakies. #
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Thanks, Billy. You can just put him anywhere.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Oi! I'm not a fridge.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- Do you need a hand getting out your chair?- No.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09I just want to help.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- How about I take you to the loo?- No.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I can scratch that for you, if you like?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Are you taking the piss?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I do it for some of my older patients.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I've even got a special stick.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Why is he still here?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27He's trying to give you a hand. It's his job.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31I don't need a hand! Especially his robbing Scouse hands - have you checked your purse?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Don't be offensive!
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Go on, sling it!
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Time to give my woman the red-hot shafting she's been waiting months for.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Don't listen to him.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Although he does have a point. Thanks for everything. Bye!
0:01:47 > 0:01:48No probs, babe!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- If you need a hand, I'm happy to help with- absolutely- anything.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53If you ever need my testicle-tickling stick!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Get him out!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Thanks, Billy, bye.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00What do you mean, "Thanks for everything"? He's done sod all.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04He was teaching me how to look after you when we got back. Which is why -
0:02:04 > 0:02:07# Check out, check out, check out, check out the hand-rail... #
0:02:07 > 0:02:08SHE GRUNTS
0:02:08 > 0:02:12# Check out, check out, check out, check out the be-e-edpan
0:02:13 > 0:02:14# Check out, check out, check out, check out
0:02:14 > 0:02:16# The leaflet for Stannah Stairlifts. #
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I don't need that stuff. Nothing's really changed.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Right, of course.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25And now, I'm going to shag you till your nose falls off.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Are you sure about this?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Oh, the things I'm going to do to you!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Don't worry, Gaz.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40It happens to every man, at some point.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44What, they fall off the bed?
0:02:47 > 0:02:52Knock over a bedside cabinet, piss everywhere and start crying?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55We just need to try another technique.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58You know, like try not to leap on me.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Maybe crawl...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06..or waddle.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Oh, yeah, cos that sounds sexy,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"I'm going to waddle the shit out of you."
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I tell you what, we could go to the Archer.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Yeah, it'd be nice to get back to normal, see the rest of the old gang.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Right, what old gang?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Janet's gone to Milton Keynes
0:03:23 > 0:03:27and Louise has joined that weird moon-worshipping cult.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30God, yeah, what was she thinking?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31In Milton Keynes?!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35But no, no, there's the rest of the old crowd, isn't there?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39There's, um, there's Tim and ah, Jim. Um...
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Ken and Deirdre, Mike Baldwin.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45I just want to see my best mate who never changes then, my old pub.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48There's something I should mention about The Archer.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Look at this place.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59It's like Hollyoaks.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Only with Arthur!
0:04:02 > 0:04:03AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS
0:04:03 > 0:04:06No, no, I can handle this. I can fit in with a young crowd.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Easy now.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Wagwan, rude boy.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Donna! Gaz!
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Tim, my mate! Two pints please, me mouth's drier than a camel's cock.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- I can manage!- All right.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Excuse me.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Honk-honk, you twats. Out the way, move.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Hey! Tim. Look at you.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- At least you're still the same. - I am indeed!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Shimmy, shimmy, step!
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- No, no, it's step, step, shimmy. - New material, darling.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42It's so good to see you guys! Look at you, Gaz. You're doing great.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44You're like a sexy Davros!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- How's it going, Tim? - Oh, I am brilliant.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Business is booming, I've discovered a delightful new hand cream,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Shimmering Cranberry.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59And to top it all off, I've got my two happiest customers back.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Yes, its as if everything is going my way
0:05:01 > 0:05:04and nothing could possibly spoil it!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13What a chuffing toilet.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Yes, I am happier than Lindsay Lohan in a room full of booze and penises.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Excuse me one moment.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Did you just tread on my shoe?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Did you just look at my shoe?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Did you just fail to acknowledge that you either stepped on,
0:05:34 > 0:05:35or looked at my shoe?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- I'm going to batter you, ya willy!- Oi!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40You leave Arthur alone!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I can do what I like, gut mouth. It's a free country.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I thought I told you I never wanted to see you round here,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48so why don't you make like a banana and piss off!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51You can't tell me what to do,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53you're just some stuck-up little diva
0:05:53 > 0:05:55whose ego's bigger than his tits!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57And that's saying something!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02She's a bit of a gobby cow, isn't she?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Hey, don't talk about my sister like that!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06What, wait? Your sister?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Yes, this is Cassie.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13Like sassy, or brassy, or evil pain in the assy.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Oh, my God!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Are you a cripple?
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- Don't call him that! He's my boyfriend.- Ew.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Are you like, totally, a disabled groupie?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Do you hang around in, like,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35wheelchair places trying to get knobbed?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Straight out of a Jane Austen novel, isn't she?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Why are you even here?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I thought you had another year in that Young Offenders.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I got let out early for good behaviour.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Didn't set fire to anything for nearly a whole fortnight.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Look, Cassie, I'd love to say it's a pleasure to see you,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56but it's more like having a pineapple shoved up my nose!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Why are you even here? - I'm not causing trouble.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04Well, I'm not starring in another Crimewatch re-enactment when you do.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I didn't even get to meet Fiona Bruce last time.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- You all right, Tim? You look a bit shaken up.- Who, me?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Oh, don't be ridiculouso.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- SHOUTS:- Why won't you open, you bastard?! That's the whole point of you!
0:07:19 > 0:07:22I think maybe I should take him upstairs and calm him down.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24What am I meant to do?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26You can make some trendy new friends.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Eastside(!) Come on.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30All right, love, how do you fancy...all right, then.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37OK, you just sit down there
0:07:37 > 0:07:40and I'm going to make you a lovely cup of lapshing-sang,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43shhh...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Tea!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Oh.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49So, are you OK?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52It's just seeing Cassie again.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54That girl traumatised me through my youth.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59It's the most screwed up brother and sister relationship since...Jedward.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Well, you know what might make you feel better?
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Shutting up and listening to me moan about my life! Come on.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- I thought you and Gaz were all right?- Not really.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I thought it might be tough.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Dealing with these changes, but the biggest thing is I'm just...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18So shitting horny!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21CHEERING
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- What?- I've haven't had proper sex in nearly a year.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26If we didn't have a power shower,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29I would've killed someone by now - killed 'em, outright.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31HE WHIMPERS
0:08:31 > 0:08:33W-w-what's the problem? Just shag Gaz.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35We tried.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- It didn't go very well.- How so?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40There were...issues.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42In what way?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- SHOUTS:- He spaffed everywhere when he was only an inch deep, all right, Tim?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Ah, I probably shouldn't have probed.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Neither should Gaz.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Look, there's more to your relationship than just sex.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58You find him funny, don't you?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Do you know what? You're right.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Yeah, I'm going to focus on Gaz's hilarious antics.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- That should stop me thinking about sex.- Good idea.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11That'll take your mind off Gaz's banging body and his meaty cock!
0:09:13 > 0:09:14You're not helping!
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Here we are! My five-a-side team.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23All right, lads, I was going to give you a ring.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28Hey, Gaz, good to see you back on your...wheels.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Listen, I was hoping to get back on the team.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I might be up and walking again soon,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35and obviously in the meantime I won't be able to track back,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and I'll probably only score when the ball deflects off my head.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41That was kind of all you did anyway.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Exactly, stick to what you're good at!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Look, Gaz, the thing is,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48your place on the team's kind of been taken.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51You what? By who?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Hey, y'all right, babe?
0:09:56 > 0:09:57You?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Aw, hey, look at you, acting like nothing's changed.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03It's a beautiful thing.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Piss off, dickhead!
0:10:05 > 0:10:09The only thing that's changed is you've nicked my spot on the team.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11The guys said you haven't been around much.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13I was in a coma.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18The boys said you never bothered to turn up to practice.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I was in a coma, you scrote!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24And they said the only time you ever scored was
0:10:24 > 0:10:26when the ball deflected off your head.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I can't bel...
0:10:29 > 0:10:31All right, I'll give you that one.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33But that's my team! I belong there.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37You know I said I'd do absolutely anything for you?
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Well...
0:10:38 > 0:10:42I'll give up my spot on the team, if that's what you want.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I don't want that! I don't want your help.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I don't want to be on this stupid team anyway.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I, er, I am still on the darts team though, right?
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Piss off! There's nothing wrong with my arms, look!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Oh!
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Why are you still here?
0:11:01 > 0:11:06Because it's the easiest way to wind you up, ever. I love it!
0:11:06 > 0:11:10For future reference, you wind me up when you breathe, sister dearest.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14EXHALES
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Ugh!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Come on, sod off back to Mum's.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Oh, but, I'm SO tired, it's so late.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Can I crash here tonight, big bro, please?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I'm not having you conducting your satanic rituals in my living room!
0:11:29 > 0:11:33You know what this is really about? You've never wanted me around.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36When we were little I had no-one to play with.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Just me and my imaginary friend -
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Chainsaw Charlie.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Look, I'd love to hear the rich tapestry of why you're a rotten cow,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46but you can piss off now!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Mum'll be worried.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Yeah, right.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52What does that mean?
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Do you know what? Don't act like you care. You haven't changed at all.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59You're still a prissy little girl.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03No, I have changed and I'm stronger now, you can't hurt me any more!
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Well, good for you.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Oh, Tim, your hair's crap.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12It's just words, Tim. Just words.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Hey there, funny guy.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I got some of your favourite things from the shops.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Meat and porn and a Kinder Egg.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06They're probably all different.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I mean, I might have liked a Marathon, but they're Snickers now.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Well, that kind of happened about 15 years ago.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Why are you getting upset over renamed chocolate bars?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- It's not just the chocolate bars. - I know.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Opal Fruits as well!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24I mean, why didn't you tell me so much has changed around here?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I feel like I've been asleep for a year
0:13:26 > 0:13:28and the whole world's just moved on without me.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Well, that's quite a good description of a coma, yes.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Just so much is different,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37like Janet moving away with Corinthian.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Not that I'd want him to see me like this.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42And I hate the way people are treating me now.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I don't want everyone trying to help me.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Ooooh!
0:13:47 > 0:13:48You and your japes! Ha.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54You know, things haven't changed that much.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- You've not changed, you're still funny.- Why, cos I can do this?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01PEARL & DEAN THEME: # Pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa, paralysed
0:14:01 > 0:14:03# Pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa, I ca-a-an't walk! #
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:14:09 > 0:14:13See, you still know how to make me laugh. So come on, Gaz, come on!
0:14:13 > 0:14:18Amuse me! Give me a giggle...make me love you.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20You what?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I'm trying to make this relationship work.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26If you can't make me love you, at least make me moist!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31There's no way! I'm not going through that humiliation again.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I've been nil by muff for way too long.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39And we can take it slowly, you know, I can help you out.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I don't want your help!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44If you're that desperate, go shag someone else!
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Oh, don't be daft!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I know you want to stick on a boob tube, get down the docks
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- and have some random sailor shaft you into next week.- That's stupid!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I hate boob tubes.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Well, I don't care, right, sleep with whoever you want.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Sleep with that Scouse twat Billy if you want. I don't care.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I'm going down the garage, at least that won't have changed.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- Let me...- Get off!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I don't need nobody's help, all right. Nobody's!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I can't get down the stairs!
0:15:17 > 0:15:18I'm a bad girlfriend.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22I should have been supporting Gaz,
0:15:22 > 0:15:26but instead I've just been some selfish...randy monster
0:15:26 > 0:15:28who thinks of nothing except sex.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Oh, my God, I've become Gaz.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Hey, I feel bad too.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I wanted to help Gaz, not piss him off.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I wish there was something I could do for him.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Well, apparently you could shag me(!)
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Eh?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Gaz doesn't want to have sex any more.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50- So he thinks I should find someone else.- Oh...right.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Well, I'm up for it!
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Excuse me?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57If I do this I get to kill two birds with one stone -
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I get to do Gaz a favour
0:15:59 > 0:16:02AND I satisfy your sexual frustration.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Oh, Billy.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Oh, Billy!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15I'm sure you'd do a fine job, but I could never cheat on Gaz.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I'm just going to have to get used to a life without sex.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Works for Anne Widdecombe.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Although she doesn't really have a choice in the matter.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- Another drink?- Yeah.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Frizzilla, where's your broken boyfriend?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Hey Donna, do you want some nuts?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Oh, my actual God, is that Billy McCormack?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Do you know Billy McCormack? Why do you know Billy McCormack?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- We're just friends. - Are you shagging him?- No!
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Do you want to shag him?
0:16:55 > 0:16:56No.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01- You all right, Billy? - All right, babe? Who's she?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- That's the bride of Chucky. - Cassie Claypole.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06We were at school, you sorted guys that were bullying me.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Well, I always like to help out a lady in distress.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11SHE SCREAMS AND LAUGHS
0:17:12 > 0:17:15And do you remember Jenny Edmonson's house party?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18When you were in that room, getting it on with that girl?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Oh, God, yeah! That was you?!
0:17:20 > 0:17:24No, I wasn't invited, so I climbed in through the window and screamed,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26"Get your hands off my man, you bitch!"
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Cassie, can I have a word?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Go play on the train tracks!- Now!
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Dickhead!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36She seems nice.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I spoke to Mum today.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40How is the old tart?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44She told me she kicked you out cos you're so disrespectful.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45That's bollocks!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- You just called her an old tart! - It's affectionate,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50you mouldy sphincter!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53So, if you've not been staying with Mum, where've you been sleeping?
0:17:53 > 0:17:57You don't care, you'll only judge me.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58No, I won't.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01An alleyway.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Oh! For God's sake, you dirty little tramp!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07It's not that bad!
0:18:07 > 0:18:11I mean, a dog did piss on me, but it kept me warm.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Is that why you've been hanging around?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Hoping that you can move in here?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Get over yourself, spunk breath.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21So can I stay?
0:18:21 > 0:18:22If I wanted vermin in my flat
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I'd invite round the cast of The Only Way Is Essex.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Fine, I'll go back to the alleyway.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33And the next time you see me will be on the 10 o'clock news,
0:18:33 > 0:18:38"Young, sexy girl found dead...covered in dog's piss."
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Wait, maybe I can help you find somewhere to stay.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47No, no, no! I'll find somewhere myself.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49You still think I'm a silly little girl,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52but I'm mature now, I'm different. I wouldn't want to stay here anyway.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54It smells like poo!
0:18:54 > 0:18:55And you!
0:18:55 > 0:18:58And you smell like poo, too.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Meh, pah!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05OK, my little beaut.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Quick oil change, fan belt,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10and we'll have you back on your feet in no time.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Let's have a look here.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14HE GRUNTS
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Are you taking the piss?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19You're not the only one on wheels now, you know.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Ha-ha-ha! Who's the daddy!
0:19:21 > 0:19:22OK.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29HE GRUNTS
0:19:31 > 0:19:36Right, then, let's have a look at you.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Come on.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Ah!
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Little bastard!
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Ugh!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45It's all right, it's all right, I can do this. I can, I can do it.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47I don't need any help.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Help!
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Help, hello! Anyone?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Help! Oh, Thank you.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Cheers, mate, thanks.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03You all right, babe?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Oh, God.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07How you getting on, our Gaz?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I'm not your Gaz, and I'm fine, thanks.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11You don't really look it.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I don't like to assume, but being in a wheelchair,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16you're not really enjoying it, are you?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Oh, no, no, I'm having a pissing ball!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I don't want to be in a wheelchair, do I?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I want to look after myself, but I can't. I feel so helpless.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26So, let people help you.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I heard you were struggling to shag Donna.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Well, I am totally up for giving her a going over for you.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Are you serious?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39It was your idea.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40I didn't mean it!
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Only as a favour, like. I'd try not to enjoy myself...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48..but I would make sure she had a good couple of orgasms.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I'm just caring like that, I want to help out.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Yeah, there's a way you could help me, Billy.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Just have a quick look at that engine for us?- Yeah, course I can.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03What am I looking at?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You'll see.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- Twat.- Gaz? Gaz!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15So, who looks like a complete moron now?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Dappy from N-Dubz?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19No, you, you complete moron.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23I've found somewhere to live, I told you I didn't need you.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I'm going to stay with Billy.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I haven't told him, but I know he'll help a damsel in distress.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Or a dirty emo skank.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Hi, Billy.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Hi, erm... - Can I come live with you?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38What? I don't even know you.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40What better way to get to know someone
0:21:40 > 0:21:43than inviting them into your home? And bed, and mouth.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Look, I'm sure you're a really, really, nice girl,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48but I don't think you're my type.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Oh.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I mean, I'm sure there's loads of people
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- who like the whole zombie-tramp look.- Yeah.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Whatever...not bothered, really.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Excuse me, I just need to...adjust my nipple rings.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Oh, Donna. You look, um...
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Frumpy?
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Well, I was going to say "sexless," but frumpy, that works.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Good...because that's what I am now.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17No more sex for me.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18It's probably for the best,
0:22:18 > 0:22:22cos Gaz did not like our plan for me to shag you at ALL.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- What? You told him about that? - Should I not have?
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Billy, it's never going to happen!
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Despite your trim physique, lantern jaw and that fold in your jeans
0:22:35 > 0:22:38that might just be the fabric, but even then... Hello!
0:22:40 > 0:22:41So what you saying?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I love Gaz.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Maybe he's not funny and I can't shag him, but I love him.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50And I never should've treated him this way.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Oh, come here, you.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58So, I'm not your type and that walking poodle-perm is?!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00You slag bitch!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Oh! Cassie, what you doing?!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05This knob-nicker's stealing my man!
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Billy!
0:23:10 > 0:23:14I'm all right, go find Gaz. And tell him you love him.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Oh, Billy, are you all right?
0:23:18 > 0:23:23- HIGH-PITCHED:- I think you might have broken my cock!- NO!
0:23:27 > 0:23:28- All right.- Hello.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31How did you get in?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I ordered a double pepperoni and a piggyback.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Listen, I know I said you can shag someone else,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- but I don't want it to be that Billy.- OK.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Or anyone who's hotter, or younger, or cooler than me.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Right, basically you can shag Arthur.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I don't need to shag anyone.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54I'm sorry.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I know you don't want me this way.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04I mean, you only liked me because I was good in bed, I know that.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I love you because you're Gaz Wilkinson.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07I should've known that all along.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I don't care that you're in that wheelchair!
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- Well, I do! - Then let me help you!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I know things have been tough,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18but we can deal with the changes together.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22And I will be here all the way,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24because I love you.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- I love you too.- Then...
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Come here.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Gaz?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Yeah?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Have you got a massive hard-on?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Yeah.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50It's just all this emotional stuff, it got the blood pumping.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Listen, you know how you said we don't have to do the sex stuff,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- I really want to shag you now. - Uh-wa-wa-wa-wa!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I'm helping you out, remember.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01In what way?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04The things I'm going to do to you.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06SHE BREATHES EXCITEDLY
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Typical Cassie, causing chaos! I've a good mind to call the police.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14No, please, Tim.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I can't go back inside.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Oh, come on, Tim. Can't you just give her a chance?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22She's had more chances than Ashley Cole.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24All she's done is brought me trouble
0:25:24 > 0:25:26and she's never even tried to apologise!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Well, I am sorry, all right? For all the things I've done to you.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33And that's supposed to make it all OK?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- Forget it, I'll go.- Hang on!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38What about the damage downstairs?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Oh, I'll heal in a week or two.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- I meant the damage to the bar.- Oh.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48You can work here to pay it off.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49You what?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52And if you're doing that, you might as well live here.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54You're SERIOUS? Oh, Tim!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I mean, yeah, whatever.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01This is beautiful, it's bringing a tear to my eye.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Though that might be me bruised bell-end.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Don't worry, Donna,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15it happens to every woman at some point.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19What, that they pull out more moves than an Olympic gymnast,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22ride you like a rodeo star
0:26:22 > 0:26:26and give you the best sex of your entire life?
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Aye, that's the one.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32You know what? I feel so much better.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36It's like a massive weight's been lifted off my chuff.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44It was great.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47You know, maybe change isn't so bad.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52All I had to do was lie there and let you do all the work!
0:26:55 > 0:26:59That's what I'm going to do from now on.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- In bed?- No, no, ALL the time.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Well, I'll do whatever makes life easy for you.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Because I love you.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Ah, I'm so lucky!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Right, then.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Go on, scratch me balls.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19All right.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I need a job so I don't have to look after Gaz,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29but I can't leave him on his own.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- Well, just, just go and sign on. - No!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Well, why don't you ask Billy?
0:27:33 > 0:27:37I mean, he's so caring it makes my labia piercing tingle.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42You're nothing like what I asked for. You don't have a Brazilian. Do you?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Billy flirts with everyone but me.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49I could give you a makeover! You could see my Gok!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- Jesus, Donna! Your flat's on fire! - I know! And Gaz is still in there!
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:13 > 0:28:16E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk