0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains adult humour
0:00:08 > 0:00:11You're just some stuck-up little diva
0:00:11 > 0:00:13whose ego's bigger than his tits!
0:00:13 > 0:00:15She's a bit of a gobby cow, isn't she?
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Hey, don't talk about my sister like that.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18Is that Billy McCormack?
0:00:18 > 0:00:22Do you know Billy McCormack? Why do you know Billy McCormack?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24You can do everything for me.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Go on, scratch me balls.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:00:37 > 0:00:42# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:00:42 > 0:00:46# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now
0:00:46 > 0:00:49# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:49 > 0:00:53# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:00:53 > 0:00:55# And a pack of flakies. #
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Donna!
0:01:06 > 0:01:09What now, Gaz? I'm not scratching your bollocks again.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I've already got a layer of scrotum under my nails.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14No. It's something important.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Will you change the channel?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18You're holding the remote.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Yeah, but the buttons are all pushy.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23For God's sakes, Gaz.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25What? You said you'd do everything for me.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28But I didn't realise how humiliating that'd be.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31You're acting like you can't do anything for yourself!
0:01:31 > 0:01:32I am a disabled.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35But you're still capable.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I don't want to be wiping your arse for you,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I'd rather help with the more important things you can't manage.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Like wiping your arse!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I need help.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47You don't need help, you want a slave.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Basically, yes.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51If you can't be bothered, you can hire me a nurse.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Hey, she could be like Barbara Windsor in the Carry On films.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58No, no, sod it. She could be like Barbara Windsor now, I still would.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Ooh, the filthy bitch!
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Well, you had a carer, Billy, and you told him to piss off.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Yeah, because he was mental.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Do you know what he said to me the other day?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13"You look nice."
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Yes, it's called being affectionate, Gaz. Remember, you tried it once.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20After a shag you slapped me on the arse and said, "Good job, buddy."
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I know, I can be a right soppy twat sometimes.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- He was just trying to be your mate. - Well, I like blokes to act like blokes, not Billys.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32And I like me nurses to be dirty sluts.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Well, you're not getting a nurse.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36You gave up that entitlement by sacking Billy.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- Can't we just hire one? - We can't afford to go private.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42We've got no money coming in, what with me having no job.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Well, just go and sign on.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48No! I'm the breadwinner now, out there winning bread.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51It's a matter of pride.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Homepride.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59You and your pride. It's pride is what's stopping you emptying out me piss bottles.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04Look, Gaz, I'm gonna get a job and some money, and I'm gonna make sure everything's sorted.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Ah, is that cos you love me?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09No, because otherwise I'm gonna take your piss bottles,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11fill the bath with them, then drown you in it!
0:03:13 > 0:03:14What about me, eh?
0:03:14 > 0:03:19At least put something more wank-worthy on the telly!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- TV:- 'And coming up next, it's those Loose Women.'
0:03:22 > 0:03:25You got lucky!
0:03:26 > 0:03:30What's up, Billy? You've got a face like a slapped arse -
0:03:30 > 0:03:32distressed, but appealing nonetheless.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35It's this stuff with Gaz. I don't like not being liked, like.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Everyone likes me.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Normally, I flash someone a smile and a cheeky wink and they're putty in me hands.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Yeah, right.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47TIM GIGGLES
0:03:47 > 0:03:49I've got to make Gaz my mate.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Come on, Billy! Life's too short to worry that a couple of people don't like you.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Who else doesn't like me?! - I like you, Billy!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I figured that when you followed me into the toilet.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Oh, my days! I like him so much.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08Well, go on, make your move. Pounce on him like Catherine Zeta-Jones on a pensioner.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Yeah, well, I appreciate your stupid advice,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13but go shove it up your flapping arsehole.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Hi, Tim, how's it going?
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Give me a job, I need a job, give me my old job back.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I'm sorry, Donna, I've no need for any more staff,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I've got an excellent new barmaid.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- Cassie.- She's like Attila the Hun on the blob.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Yeah, well, I can't disagree, but I've realised that she only
0:04:35 > 0:04:39treats people badly because of how she feels about herself.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43As her caring big brother, I'm rebuilding her confidence by letting her work here.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45It's really improving her people skills.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50I told you, you gave me a tenner, not a twenty, you spunking knobhead!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Yeah, she seems much friendlier(!)
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Have you got any spare shifts for a worker who knows how to be nice?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Hiya, Donna, babe. - Piss off, Billy!
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Please, Tim.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Why are you so desperate?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I'm...I'm not desperate.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I just need to find a job so I don't have to look after Gaz.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- But I can't leave him on his own all day.- Why don't you ask Billy?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I mean, he's so caring it makes my labia piercing tingle.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- Gaz hates Billy.- Yeah, but it's only for a day, and you're desperate.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I am fairly desperate.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Billy. How are you?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Hello? Hiya, yeah, I'm looking for a home help nurse.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Preferably double-jointed.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40And, erm, could she be Brazilian?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Could she have a Brazilian?
0:05:45 > 0:05:50Look, just send a fit bird over who's willing to work for two quid a day, all right?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Hello...
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Hello?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55KNOCK AT DOOR
0:05:55 > 0:05:58That was quick, didn't even give them the address. Come in!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- All right, babe!- Oh, for God's sake!
0:06:01 > 0:06:05How's the sexiest thing on wheels since the Fiat Cinquecento?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08What are you doing here?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I'm here to look after you.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14You're nothing like what I asked for. You don't have a Brazilian. Do you?
0:06:14 > 0:06:19Nah. I tried it once though, made my junk look like a frozen turkey.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Well, that's ruined my Christmas dinner.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Donna sent me to take care of you, again.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31But I hate you.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Ah, she said you don't hate me, you just need to get used to me.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38See, that's what she said about sticking her finger up my arse.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41She kind of had a point with that, but she doesn't with you.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I don't want you here being some weird womanly, manly man.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45How am I womanly, babe?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48You call me babe, you keep complimenting me,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51you shave your pubes, and you're a nurse!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Oh, that stuff.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Fine, then I'll just... You know... It's just...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Oh, please, Gaz, you've got to be my mate, mate.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04It's doing my head in you don't like me. Everyone likes me.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05I'll do anything to make you happy.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Anything? Like a slave?
0:07:10 > 0:07:15- I guess, though I'm not sure I like being called a slave. - Silence, slave.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Right. Empty out my piss bottle.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Go on!
0:07:24 > 0:07:30- Miss Henshaw?- Yeah, hi. That is, yes, hello, good afternoon, even.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- Donna Henshaw?- Yeah, that's me. - Amy Evans.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37No, Donna Henshaw. Come on, love, it can't be that hard.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40No, I'm Amy Evans.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- We were at school together. - We were?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Yeah!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Oh, what would jog your memory?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Donna Henshaw, you're a scag and a slag, your mum's a prozzie and you buy your clothes at C&A.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00Amy! Of course! I didn't recognise you without you throwing eggs at me.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05You were such a laugh, always shouting...
0:08:05 > 0:08:11"One day I'll show you. I'm better than you, you thick bitches!"
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Yes, that does sound like something I'd say.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Erm, well, you're doing well for yourself.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Yeah, shame I can't say the same for you.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22No-no-no.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25No, I'm not here to sign on. No, I'm just...
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I'm seeking to continue my successful career
0:08:29 > 0:08:33after generously taking time out to look after my very handsome
0:08:33 > 0:08:36and well-hung boyfriend.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I see.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42It looks like we don't have anything to suit your skill set,
0:08:42 > 0:08:47so why don't you apply for Jobseeker's Allowance, just until something more suitable comes along.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49If it ever does.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Something will come along.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I am highly employable. Highly! I don't need your charity.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I don't belong in a shithole like this.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Have you seen the people who come in here?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01They reek of cider and they can barely stand on their hind legs.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Those are my work colleagues.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09I see. They still reek of cider though.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12What you looking at, knob eyes?
0:09:12 > 0:09:17I'm curious. Why didn't you catapult yourself at Billy when you had the chance earlier?
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Well, maybe I didn't want your giant moon of a face watching me while I did.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24You are scared of making a move on him, aren't you?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28You're more terrified than James Corden is of Ryvita.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31You really are insecure.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I'm not insecure.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I won Miss Young Offenders 2010.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Though I did hospitalise most of the other contestants.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Isn't it funny?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Growing up, you always seemed so confident -
0:09:42 > 0:09:45sitting on my head and punching me in the balls.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50But now I see, beyond the thorns there lies a delicate flower.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52You take that back!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55You're sensitive and charmingly meek.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Billy would be lucky to have a girl like you.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Don't be thick. He's not interested in me.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04But you've got loads of things going for you.
0:10:04 > 0:10:09You're forceful. You're stern. You're forcefully stern.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14Billy flirts with everyone BUT me. I'm just not hot enough.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Look, if it's your appearance you're worried about we can sort that out!
0:10:18 > 0:10:23- I could give you a makeover, you could see my Gok!- Ugh, rank!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26My Gok Wan, stupid.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29It's all about the confidence.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- You really are a cock. - You mean Gok.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35No.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Come on, slave, try and be more comfortable.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Sorry.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Sorry, what?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Sorry, Master.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49No.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Sorry, Gaz, Master of the Universe.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54That's better.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Why d'you want to become a nurse anyway, didn't you want a more manly job?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I did wanna be a professional footballer,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04but me dad said I was a dreamer and I should find real work,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07so I figured I'd go for the next most obvious job and be a nurse.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Oh. Why didn't you just have a fanny put in while you were at it?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- Stupid, snooty, stuck-up bitch. - Who is?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Gary Barlow.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Hi, Billy, how's it going?
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Permission to speak.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Not that well, thanks, babe.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30There's nothing I can do that'll make Gaz like me.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Dinner's almost ready.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Hey! We call it lunch in this flat.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35You call it dinner all the time.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Don't try and make me look stupid
0:11:37 > 0:11:40while I'm trying to make Billy look stupid, right?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Honestly, Donna, I'm telling you, he's a twat!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Look, please just try and be nicer to Billy.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Can't you just look after me?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50And how would we live without any money coming in?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Well, just sign on.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Hey, then you could be my slave! I'd get you a dog collar and a lead.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Can you really imagine me doing nothing more with my life
0:12:01 > 0:12:03than wearing a dog collar and parading around on all fours?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09You can imagine that, can't you?
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Oh, yeah...
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Well, stop it!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Because it's not happening. Do you know what?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I'll get a job. I'll show you - the best job ever!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I'll be like that woman off The Apprentice.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26"Lord Sugar will see you now."
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Fine, go on, you leave me with this idiot,
0:12:29 > 0:12:34but nothing he ever does is gonna be good enough for me. Nothing! What's that?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Cheese toastie.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39My God, it smells amazing.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Oh, my God, Billy! Oh! That is like...
0:12:46 > 0:12:50It's like creamy liquid love's exploded in my mouth.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54You have to grate the cheese to get it like that,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57but I was willing to make the extra effort, since it's for you.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Billy, you're amazing.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I should give you another chance, I mean, you're good at one thing.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- Oooh!- Wa-a-ay! One step at a time, sailor.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Come on, then, sister, let's see you!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14What are you doing?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I told you to be in your bra and knickers
0:13:16 > 0:13:19so I could assess your body!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22And I told you to get painfully stuffed, you freak.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I'm noticing a lot of aggression here, Cassie.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Where's your femininity? It's like you've forgotten how to be a woman.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Well, of course I have! I've been in Young Offenders half my life.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36If I acted like a woman, I'd either be beat up or felt up.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Sometimes both...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Brenda.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46Then we must rediscover your inner diva. Let me see you walk.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Have you shat yourself?!
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Here, look at how I do it.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Now do your womanly walk.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Hmm, maybe we should focus on the clothes.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Here, try these dresses on.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11I bought them for Helena.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16Turns out spaghetti straps doesn't really work with her biceps.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Why am I going along with this?
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Because you want to ride Billy like a winter toboggan.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Yeah!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27KNOCK AT DOOR
0:14:27 > 0:14:29That's it! I can't get any work.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33I tried to get a job at a make-up counter, but they said my skin was too greasy,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36and then I tried at Wimpy, they said I wasn't greasy enough!
0:14:36 > 0:14:40So, you finally ready to sign on?
0:14:40 > 0:14:44No-no-no-no-no. I don't want to look really poor.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Oh, Donna! Life's not just about how things look.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Good God, you look awful!
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Get back in there and try the other dresses on. Monster!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58You monster! Oh!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Well, it's not just that.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06If I sign on, it's like admitting I've got no purpose in life.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Oh, you would have a purpose - taking care of Gaz.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Oh! God, you're right.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14I need to look after Gaz,
0:15:14 > 0:15:18so the first step is getting rid of Billy before Gaz kills him.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22And if he's already killed him I can help Gaz dispose of the corpse.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26And it'd be nice to do something together.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Ah, that warms my heart, that really does!
0:15:32 > 0:15:37Oh, Donna, before you go, would you like a confidence-building makeover
0:15:37 > 0:15:40to help you realise how beautiful you truly are?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I think I'll pass.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Fat bitch!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Come on, Gaz, give it a go, I reckon you'd enjoy it.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I dunno, won't it make me less of a man?
0:15:55 > 0:16:00Hey, if two guys like each other and want to experiment, that's perfectly natural.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06All right, all right, all right, I'll give it a go.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11You all right, babe?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13There you go! You're pretty good at it.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Now suck my cock!
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Ha-ha! I'm only joking!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28It's not that bad, being a modern man.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I mean, we're still blokes, aren't we?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Course we are! Do you want a manicure, by the way?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Yeah, yeah, go on.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Right, Billy, sling it, Gaz doesn't like you!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39BOTH: You all right, babe?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42What's... What's going on?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I'm just hanging with my buddy.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46You like Billy now?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Yeah, he's kind of grown on me.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50He's dead sound!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54But you said he was a prick. We agreed he was a prick.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Erm...- Shut up, you prick.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Don't talk to him like that, he's all right. It's all right, babe.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Thanks, babe!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05You're welcome, babe.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09But...but I was going to look after you.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10I was going to be caring.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I was going to make a sacrifice!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Ow! Stop hitting me!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18It's like being hit by a tiny, annoying Barry McGuigan.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20You said you didn't want to look after me!
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Well, no...
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- You said you wanted to be the breadwinner.- Well, yeah.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Right, so go and sort our money out like you were going to.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Right, fine.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I'll be off, then, to swallow my pride
0:17:32 > 0:17:35and make an absolute cock of myself.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Well, see you, then.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Right, go on, where's this manicure? I'm starving.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Back so soon?- Yes. I don't want to do this,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54but I need to make a sacrifice for the sake of my relationship.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58- Do what, Donna?- I need help.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I'm skint, properly skint.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Passing off dog food as chilli con carne skint.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09So I guess I need to sign on, though I really don't want to.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I see.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13My life's a mess.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17My only two friends have buggered off, I'm struggling to take care of Gaz,
0:18:17 > 0:18:18and it's all getting on top of me.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Donna...
0:18:20 > 0:18:23And at school, I was a scag, but I wasn't a slag,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25because I was too much of a scag.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28You can stop now, Donna.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29I can't help it.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I've been denying this stuff for so long.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I've been acting all proud,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36and I've got nothing to be proud of.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44You are perfect for the dole. Sign here.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Maybe things aren't so bad.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I mean, we've got a bit of money coming in, again.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Life's not completely shit.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57And here's the amount of benefit that you'll be entitled to a week.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Shit!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04How are you enjoying your film, babe?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Dance, Billy. Dance, you Geordie bastard, dance.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11OK, but you know I'm from Liverpool.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16No, I'm talking about Billy Elliot! You know, you're just like him.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Cos I'm called Billy, too.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20No, no, no. His dad didn't believe in his dreams either.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24You should follow your heart and try playing footy full-time.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25I dunno...
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Oh, come on! You've already got the body of an athlete.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Eh?- Well, you taught me a man can pay another man a compliment without it being weird.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35You're the one to talk. You need a licence for those guns, babe.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Ah, these tiny things!
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Nah, I'm top-heavy. You've got powerful thighs for sprinting after the ball.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- And your arse...your arse...- Yeah?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Your arse is like your face, arseface.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- Eh? What's up, babe? What have I done?- What have you done?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59You've tried to turn me into you, that's what.
0:19:59 > 0:20:04I'm nothing like you. I'm like Chuck Norris or Stephen the seagull.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I don't tell blokes they've got nice arses,
0:20:07 > 0:20:08I don't say babe and I hate hugs.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Sounds like you need a hug.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I need you to leave.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17- I thought we were getting on? - Yeah, well, we weren't, so piss off, you fairy across the Mersey.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22All right, then, I'll see you, b... See you, Gaz.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Yeah, go on! I should never have gone along with this in the first place,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I don't need looking after, I'm a bloke.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35And you can piss off an' all, you twinkle-toed Geordie twat.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43Come on, Cassie. Billy's here and he's looking even more miserable.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- Seal the friggin' deal! - I'm not sure about this outfit!
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Oh, come on! You look just like the kind of woman that'd get me excited!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58See! Don't you feel confident?
0:20:58 > 0:20:59I feel like a clown.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Like a confident clown.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Come on, just get over there
0:21:03 > 0:21:06and use the power of Gaga before I put you in a dress made of meat.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Hello. Surprise!
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Ah!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Was that a good "Ah"?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Are you supposed to be Elton John in drag?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25No!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Are you supposed to be that mad transsexual who shadow-boxes in the park?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- No.- Are you supposed to be... - How about you stop guessing?
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Donna! What's up with you?
0:21:35 > 0:21:41I am being what I have become - dole scum.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Strong cider?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I'm sorry, I can't let you do this.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Either buy a drink in here or get out.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I can't afford your extortionate prices!
0:21:52 > 0:21:56I will have you know, I am saving up for a Rottweiler on a string.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- Anyway, shouldn't you be with Gaz? - Why? He's got Billy now.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06No, he hasn't, Billy's right there.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11Right, I am just pissed and brave enough to tell him exactly what I think of him.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Hey, Billy!
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Tim.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Lady G.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28God, I was so worried about Gaz not liking me, it's like everyone hates me.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32No, they don't. And you shouldn't need everyone to like you.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35If Gaz hates you, it's cos he's a twat.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I think you're amazing.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41- Do you really feel that way? - Well, yeah.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- I've been so blind not to see it. - Really?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Yeah, Gaz is a twat.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I'm not the one with the problem, he is, the twat.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I'm going to go and tell him right now!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Oh, and...thanks, love.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Well, that was a miserable waste of time!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03You weren't wearing that with confidence.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I thought I'd made you feel good about yourself,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07you useless cow.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11He called me love! He loves me!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Stupid, pissing Billy. Thinks I can't do...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I tell you what, I'm going to make a toastie, better than he ever did.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Right, get some bread.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Oh, Jesus! Oh, shit!
0:23:44 > 0:23:47HE BLOWS
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Oh, shit! Ooh! Bollocks!
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Oh, shit! Oh!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57OK, um... OK, that's a fire. Um...
0:23:57 > 0:24:02OK, I need help now. Help! Help! Help!
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Who's burning toast?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22My chuffing flat!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25My chuffing boyfriend! Gaz! Help!
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Donna, what's going on?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Jesus, Donna, your flat's on fire!
0:24:28 > 0:24:32- I know, and Gaz is still in there. - What?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Billy, don't be a hero, don't be a fool!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Call the fire brigade!
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Fire! Send everyone! Send the army!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Send Doctor Who!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Gaz! Gaz!
0:24:53 > 0:24:58Gaz! Gaz! Gaz!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I've got you, Gaz, you're safe now.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Ooh, sorry, Gaz.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07You dick!
0:25:11 > 0:25:13You could say thank you to Billy.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15What for?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17For saving your life.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20He didn't even bother to put the fire out.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24He went back in and got your wheelchair out!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Which is now slightly singed.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Billy, get over here!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Gaz has got something he wanted to say to you.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Come on.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Thank you for saving my life.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44That's all right. Sorry I was a bit full on with you,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I was just hoping I could make you like me.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48No, I do like you, you just...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50You know, you're a good guy.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53You're just not as blokey as the other blokes I know.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58Now this is how you wear an outfit with confidence.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- You could have done your bikini line first.- Ooh! Nobody look at me!
0:26:04 > 0:26:08I'm an abomination! I'm disgusting! I'm disgusting! Ooh!
0:26:10 > 0:26:14You're not as blokey as MOST of the blokes that I know.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18But, you know, I do appreciate you getting me out of the fire, thanks.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21No probs. You made me realise what I want to do with my life.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23What, look after people?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Nah, you kind of nearly died on me watch, I'm rubbish.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30So, I'm going to give up nursing, I'm gonna try and be a footballer!
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Cos God knows this country has far too many trained health care professionals
0:26:34 > 0:26:36and not nearly enough overpaid sportsmen.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40I know, yeah.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42So, we're good?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Yeah, you're all right, chum.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Well, go on, you can try a bit harder than that.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- All right, come here!- Ooh!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55I'll get the drinks in!
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Did he just kiss me?!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Let it go.
0:27:02 > 0:27:08- Hi, Billy. So you and Gaz are mates now?- Yeah, it's nice to know someone likes you, isn't it, Katie?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10It's Cassie, dickhead.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12(I love you!)
0:27:14 > 0:27:19D'you know? Maybe this fire was a good thing.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23I mean, after all, it's helped me make a new friend.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- Don't that make it all worthwhile? - Worthwhile?
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Erm, you're mates with somebody that you could've been friends with anyway
0:27:30 > 0:27:34and now we are homeless,
0:27:34 > 0:27:35broke,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38all of our possessions have gone up in smoke.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40So, I don't know, you...you tell me,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43how in the HELL that's worthwhile?!
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Pissing Billy!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52It's so devastating to see your home this way.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Oh, my God, my porn cupboard.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58I'll tell the whole of Runcorn a terrible secret about you.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Why have you got your muff out?
0:28:01 > 0:28:05- Get a proper man's jar down your neck!- I can't have any more drinks.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07I've got to be rested for this trial.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09My evil sister's trying to blackmail me.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Billy got pissed.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Everyone! There's something you need to know!
0:28:19 > 0:28:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:23 > 0:28:28E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk