0:00:02 > 0:00:06- You told your carer to piss off.- What are you doing here?- Give me a job!
0:00:06 > 0:00:08I've got no need for any more staff.
0:00:08 > 0:00:09You like Billy now?
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- Surprise!- Aaargh!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Follow your heart and try playing footie full-time.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17(I love you!)
0:00:17 > 0:00:23- I thought we were getting on. - We weren't. So piss off, you fairy cross the Mersey.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25OK, I need help now. Help!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Aaaagh! Gaz!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:00:37 > 0:00:42# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:00:42 > 0:00:47# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now
0:00:47 > 0:00:49# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:49 > 0:00:52# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:00:52 > 0:00:56# And a pack of flakies. #
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Don't tell me.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Something's different about the place.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11It's so devastating to see your home this way,
0:01:11 > 0:01:13not that you invited me round before the fire.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16But I imagine it looked less shit than this.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Oh, my God! Me porn cupboard!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Move!
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Aah!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Fanny-tastic!
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Oh!
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Great(!) Meanwhile, I've lost all my clothes.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Even my Fat Willy's Surf Shack T-shirt.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I thought that would have survived a nuclear blast.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Maybe this fire was God's way of telling you to replace your hideous wardrobe.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Oh, yeah? With all the money I've made from all the job interviews I've had
0:01:46 > 0:01:48and had no replies from?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Maybe with what's left over, I could buy a yeti(!)
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You should get your insurance money, soon, right?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I don't think there's a "knobhead torches flat
0:01:56 > 0:02:00"while trying to make a ham toasty" clause in the contract.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Oi!
0:02:02 > 0:02:03It was a cheese toasty.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Right, then, that should be covered(!)
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Maybe this is a chance for us to take a look at our lives.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15I mean, I was sat there surrounded by flames, thinking me number was up,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18and then I realised something really significant.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23I've not nearly got shit-faced enough.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26I need to organise a piss-up.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Hey, Billy, fancy getting pissed tonight?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Go on, what d'you say? - I dunno.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34You're my mate now, it's your duty to go on the lash with me.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I've managed to get a trial tomorrow morning with Runcorn Rovers.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40It's part of me four-stage plan -
0:02:40 > 0:02:45play for Runcorn, captain for England, become the nation's hero,
0:02:45 > 0:02:47sell crisps.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Oh, I see. See, I thought we were mates, but if your career matters more
0:02:51 > 0:02:54than getting wankered with me, you should've left me here to burn.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I'll get the petrol, finish the job.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59All right. We go out tonight if it means that much to you.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02See? You could learn a thing or two from me.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I know how to be a good mate.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- A drink might be nice. I'm pretty nervous about that... - Yeah, whatever, Billy.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13Isn't it ironic, you two losing your home, and meanwhile, recently,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I've been asked to rent out a dirt cheap property?
0:03:15 > 0:03:19That isn't ironic, Tim. That's useful information.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Oh. Well, what does ironic mean?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- Don't know. - Just tell me about the house.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28- I assumed you wouldn't be interested. - Take me there now or die!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Ta-da!
0:03:33 > 0:03:37What do you mean, "Ta-da"? This is Janet's place.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I know. When she moved, she asked me to find some new tenants.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45Now, this quaint little abode is situated in an up-and-coming area
0:03:45 > 0:03:47with stunning views of the nearby salt factory.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Knock it off, Tim!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Oi, I want to see the tour.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54If you'll allow me to take you into the kitchenette.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57We don't need to be taken into the kitchenette.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59We have seen the kitchenette.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I lost my virginity to a trucker on the washing machine...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07...in that bloody kitchenette.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- I'm sensing you're not happy with the property, Donna. - Oh, what gave it away?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13My clenched teeth? My clenched fists?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15My clenched fanny?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Don't you think it would be weird moving in here?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21How would we get you up the stairs?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23It would be like the Krypton Factor twice a day.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27You could put a mattress here in the dining area and sleep on that.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Well, that sounds glamorous(!) The toilet's upstairs too.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- You could employ a temporary portable commode.- What?
0:04:34 > 0:04:38He wants you to crap in a bucket.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Oh, I can do that.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Come on, Donna, it's not like we've got much choice.- Great(!)
0:04:44 > 0:04:49No job, no money, no clothes, sleeping in Janet's dining room,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51clearing out your slop bucket.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I've lost everything.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Yeah, I've lost everything, it's all gone.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57TEARFULLY: There's nothing left.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00SCREAMS: Nothing!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Aren't you a bit worried by this?
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Nah, nah. Honestly, mate, I can crap in a bucket like nobody's business.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13DOOR OPENS
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Hello, beloved brother.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Oh God, this is it, isn't it?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19This is when you kill me.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23No. I thought we could spend some special time together.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I'd rather you just killed me.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27OK, I'll be honest.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30The other night I was out cow tipping
0:05:30 > 0:05:35- and then this vicious gang of psycho Hell's Angels turned up. - Good God! What happened?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37We had a right laugh!
0:05:37 > 0:05:42They said I could join their gang if I ditched me BMX, so I need a motorbike.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44And how are you going to pay for such a stupidity?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I thought you could get one for me.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Ah, did you?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I'm not going to waste my cash on such frippery!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I've got sensible and important things to be spending my money on.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59I'm saving up to see Cher in Vegas.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03OK, how about you pay for my hog
0:06:03 > 0:06:07or I'll tell the whole of Runcorn a terrible secret about you?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Are you trying to blackmail me?
0:06:09 > 0:06:14Yeah! It always seemed like I'd be good at if my heart didn't belong to petty arson.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Well, good luck with that cos I don't have any secrets.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Which secret are we talking about?
0:06:20 > 0:06:24The one that you're ashamed of, the one that haunts your every waking moment,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27the one you pray may never be discovered.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29You don't have one, do you?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- Or do I?- Do you?
0:06:31 > 0:06:32No.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Donna, why have you got your muff out?
0:06:44 > 0:06:45I have no clothes.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48But I need them not.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50And why are you talking like Yoda?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53The fire has freed me.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57All my life I've been concerned with possessions and money,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01and now that I've lost it all, I feel so calm.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02I feel close to Utopia.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05What, that gay club in town?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Utopia is an idyllic state of being, Gaz.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11And also a gay club.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Right. Well, as much as I'd love to listen to your guff,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19and stare at your muff, I'm off to see Billy.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21We're gonna get twatted tonight.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Don't forget about his football trial.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28Beware your selfishness, embrace selflessness.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- AS YODA:- Mm, the bollocks is strong with you.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33KNOCK ON DOOR
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Right, you, cover your shame.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37And your tits.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Come in. - Hi, Gaz. I'm here to see Donna.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- Well, watch out.- Why?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Nah, you never know, you might enjoy it. Stranger things have happened.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Oh, God, Donna.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Oh, God, Donna!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Why are you in the raw?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Well, I've been freed from the shackles of clothing,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02what with them being burnt to buggery.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04What troubles you, young Tim?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Well, my evil sister's trying to blackmail me.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12I've tried to play it cool but I've got more skeletons in my closet than fabulous scarves.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Well, the only man with something to fear is the one with something to hide.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21You must reveal yourself and you will be free-ee-ee.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I'm sorry, love.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27You might like to get it all out but no-one's seeing my tinky-winky.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I'm not talking about your cock, you cock.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33You must tell everyone your secrets
0:08:33 > 0:08:35so Cassie has nothing to threaten you with.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Well, it's an idea. Thanks, Donna.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Mm-hm. Peace be with you.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42And a bikini wax be with you.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Right.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Time to find some blackmail material.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Just like Miss Marple.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53No, not Miss Marple.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Miss...Bastard.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Yeah!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58A-ha!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02This melon is slightly past its sell-by date.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Yeah, that's crap.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Come on, your dumb-arse brother must have something he's ashamed of.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Oh, my God! Is that...?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Oh, yeah, that's mine.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Chuffin' jackpot!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Hey! Strap yourself in tight, my son.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34The Gaz Express is picking up speed, and when it gets going,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36it'll be like a ride at Alton Towers.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Why's that?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Well, I'll be sat down the whole time
0:09:40 > 0:09:42and you're gonna chuck your guts up!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- HE LAUGHS - Spending time with you is great,
0:09:45 > 0:09:49but I can't stay out late and I shouldn't really drink.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I probably shouldn't have come out at all, like.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Then why did you, eh? Don't do me any favours.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Cos you threatened to set yourself on fire.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Oh, yeah. Didn't seem so dramatic at the time.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Well, just take it easy.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I had trials myself for Runcorn Rovers back in the day.
0:10:05 > 0:10:11They practically begged me to sign for them. It was embarrassing. I had to walk away.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I mean, I didn't want being a rich, successful footballer
0:10:14 > 0:10:17getting in the way of me being a...mechanic.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22Hey, brother, I've got just the piece of juicy gossip I wanted.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Now, cough up the wonga for my Honda.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I'll do no such thing. I'm putting an end to your little scheme.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Everyone, there's something you need to know.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36I never thought I'd admit this, but I am not a natural brunette.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I'm more of a chestnut sunset.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43- Er, Tim, that's not what I was... - And, yes, I dye downstairs too.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45The curtains match the carpet.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48That's great, if disgusting,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51but that's not the secret I've got over you.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Oh, bollocks.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Sorry, everyone. Me again.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I have to confess I once put a cat in a wheelie bin.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I eat my own toenails.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I voted for One Direction.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Damn you, Cassie. Whatever you've got on me, I don't care.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Oh, Tim, how's your wife?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Helena's fine.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18She's on a nationwide rugby tour.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21See, I didn't even know she played women's rugby.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24She doesn't. She's made it onto the men's team.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28All seems a little hard to believe,
0:11:28 > 0:11:32especially considering the e-mail I read from her earlier.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- You saw that?- Little tip.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Remember to sign off. Oh, and now your Facebook says,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39"Timothy has a cock like a cheesy Wotsit."
0:11:41 > 0:11:43So, about my motorbike.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Billy, you've been nursing that lady pint for an hour.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Get a proper man's jar down your neck.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I told you, I can't have any more drinks, Gaz.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I've got to rest for this trial tomorrow.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58This is our mate time. I can't get pissed on my own.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Well, yeah, I can.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03And I do.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Quite often, actually.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Probably got a drink problem.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08You're not even drunk at all.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I dunno, I feel kind of squiffy.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Squiffy? It's not even a word.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Billy, me boy, a few little drinks aren't gonna work.
0:12:21 > 0:12:27I will personally make sure under no circumstances do you get wasted.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Oh, shit.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Oh, shit!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Oh, shi-i-i-it!
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Are you Jesus?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59You look daft.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I don't think you're in a position to dole out fashion critiques.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08It looks like you had fun.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Or you mugged a transvestite builder in a kebab shop.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Are you wearing a sheet?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17I had to succumb to Western demands for clothing.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21I nearly got arrested in the Co-op for indecent exposure.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25And a Great Dane got...
0:13:26 > 0:13:28..overfamiliar with me.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- TEXT ALERT BEEP - Loud, loud, loud, loud! Shut up.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Oh, no. It's from Billy.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Shouldn't he be at his football trial?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Billy got pissed.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44He's wound up on a barge in Salford.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Missed his trial by three hours.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Oh, Gary.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53I feared this would happen.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Oi, it's not my fault he ended up on a barge.
0:13:57 > 0:14:03Although I do kind of remember telling him it'd be funny to get on a barge.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07You have to put this right.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Aren't you worried about channelling negative energy into the cosmos?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Not really.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Then aren't you bothered about letting down your new friend?
0:14:17 > 0:14:21For someone who's at peace with the universe, you don't half nag!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I'll go and see if they'll give Billy another trial.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28I mean, after all, I am the master of cunning.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32D'you know what?
0:14:32 > 0:14:36I'm really enjoying restoring cosmic balance. I am like the Buddha.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Or that bloke off Quantum Leap.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44I am gonna spread my message of peace and love to the people of Runcorn.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Right.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Have fun getting your head kicked in.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Here you are - your own motorbike,
0:14:53 > 0:14:57earned through dirty, underhand tactics. Happy now?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Yeah, I am. - GIGGLES EXCITEDLY
0:15:00 > 0:15:02But how did you afford it?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I doubt you really care.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05I had to use my holiday fund.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Well, Cher will still be there in another ten years' time.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13She'll be made entirely of plastic, but she'll still be there.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Anyway, it doesn't matter.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Just promise me you won't tell anyone what you know.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20God, you really are desperate to keep your secret.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24It's my private life and I want to keep it private.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- Even you knowing it bothers me. - That's pretty sad.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Yes, well, welcome to my sad little life.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33If you'll excuse me, I'm off to eat my body weight in Jaffa Cakes.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Whoo!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Looking good, hippy tits.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I have come to spread my message of peace and love,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44and you seem like the prime candidate.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Seriously, are you high?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I'm only high on life.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- And weed?- A little, yes.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I have come to remove any guilt that you may feel
0:15:54 > 0:15:56from blackmailing your brother.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Whaa, whaa!
0:15:57 > 0:16:01I don't feel guilty. It's not my fault he's got all those shameful secrets.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Tim gave you a job and a roof over your head.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06You should be helping him, not threatening him.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10You're right. I'll force him to tell his secret whether he likes it or not.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Yeah, that's not really what I had in mind.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Probably should have offered peace and love
0:16:16 > 0:16:18to someone who isn't mates with Beelzebub.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22D'you know what? At least I am who I say I am,
0:16:22 > 0:16:26whereas you, you're not fooling anyone with your tree-hugging bullshit.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Ah! Well, you are lucky that I am calm and centred,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33otherwise I'd rip your tits off and I'd smash your teeth in.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36But that's not who I am now.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Hear me, brothers and sisters.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Give up your superficial lives as I have.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- '# Money, money, money... #' - Oh, it's me.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Hello, Donna Henshaw.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50..Yeah, a job interview?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53..Yeah, I can come this afternoon, yeah.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57The universe must want me to show you the futility of your corporate pursuits.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00All right, love, I'll see you in a bit.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05KNOCK ON DOOR
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Yes?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Hello. Hiya. I'm...I'm Gaz Wilkinson.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- I'm here about the trials you were having today.- I'm sorry, son.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I don't think you're what we're looking for.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Unless you're bloody good at heading.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Not me, stupid.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I'm here about Billy McCormack.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31McCormack.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34He was supposed to come and see me at seven this morning,
0:17:34 > 0:17:35but he didn't show up.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Yeah, that was because of me. You can't blame Billy for that.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43I know how hard it is to get on the books here. I had trials here.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Oh, yeah, thought I recognised you.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Well, I didn't get a fair chance either.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52I'd be playing for England and banging Cheryl Cole by now if it weren't for you lot.
0:17:52 > 0:17:57As I recall, you missed your trial because you were pissed and overslept.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59But you can't judge Billy like you did me.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01We're totally different people.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04So why did he miss his trial?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06He got pissed and overslept.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Shut the door on your way out, son.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Please, please, just... just give him another chance.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- I'll make it worth your while. - How much are we talking?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19No, I'm not talking about cash. I'm skint.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20No, I was, um...
0:18:20 > 0:18:24I'll give you my Morrisons loyalty card.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Two more points, get a free chicken.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33- No.- I'll lend you me porn.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37- Get out.- It's good stuff.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- German. It's banned in six countries. It's very artistic.- Out!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- No, no, actually.- No.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I've got something I know will make you give him another trial.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53You said what?
0:18:53 > 0:18:58I said that if he didn't give you another trial,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I'd tell everyone that he touched me.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Touched you where?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Players' lounge.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11No, where on your body?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Me cock, of course.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18So what did he say? Have I got another trial?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Well, yes and no.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22No in the sense that
0:19:22 > 0:19:26I've got a life ban from the club and he never wants to see either of us again.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28And yes?
0:19:28 > 0:19:34Yes if you get reconstructive facial surgery...
0:19:35 > 0:19:37..and went as David Beckham.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40It's all right. Thanks for trying, mate.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43It's not the end of the world.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45My four-point plan probably was a bit daft.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Yeah, it was a bit.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I guess I liked the thought of earning enough cash
0:19:50 > 0:19:51to look after me ma.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- I was being silly. - You weren't being silly, Billy.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I mean, silly...
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Billy.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Plus, it was a chance to prove something to me dad.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09He always said I'd achieve nothin' and end up being a waster.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- Sounds like my dad. - Even if I hadn't gotten anywhere,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15at least I'd know I tried to do the thing I love.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Still, we had fun last night.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Like you said, you taught me
0:20:21 > 0:20:24how to be a good friend and be there for you,
0:20:24 > 0:20:29and it's nice to know that you'll always be here for me too, Gaz.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Gaz?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35You look miserable.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39No, I'm all right. I'm just a massive failure. It's cool.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Could I get a whisky?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45You don't seem too happy yourself.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46- Me?- I'm fine.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I'm just a jolly barman.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51People don't want to see me being sad, they want me to pour drinks.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You're more than a barman.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56You can't live a life pretending to be something you're not.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58It works for 50 Cent.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02I hear he's actually a ginger bloke called Kevin.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05You should try being honest.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Nah, I'm fine.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I've always got my Jaffa Cakes.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Can I have another? I could do with a large one.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Me too.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16I've pimped my snack.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25You!
0:21:25 > 0:21:29I know, I know, we didn't exactly hit it off last time.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32You tried to bribe me and then accused me of sexual harassment.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35You work in football. That's a normal day for you.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I have a good mind to chuck you out that window, son.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Please, please, just hear me out, please.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Billy's a good bloke.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I know he's thick as shite but he's a great footballer.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48I just don't want him to be a failure like me.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- I'm sure you're not a failure, son. - Huh.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57You know, I wanted to be a footballer, have everything that goes with it.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Trophies and...
0:22:01 > 0:22:03women and money.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Women.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Women.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Now I'm just a crap mechanic,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17burnt his flat down and stuck in a wheelchair.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Sorry.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I'm sorry.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28There, there. There, there.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Thanks.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Oh, my God, look, you're doing it again!- What?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Putting your big, sweaty, manly paws all over me.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Even if I had, nobody'd believe you.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47OK, OK. I'll give him a call and make another bloody trial, all right?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49He can come round at 4pm.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Really?- On one condition.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56That I never, ever see you again, you bloody bampot!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59All right, you've been most reasonable. Thank you.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Thank you for coming in, Miss Henshaw. It's been very useful.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09That was my simple aim.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13I came not to impress but to enlighten.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18It's interesting to meet someone with your level of experience who's so calm.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20HIGH-PITCHED HUM
0:23:25 > 0:23:26DING!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Well, this has been groovy, but I must depart.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34Donna, this is a bit radical but we'd like to offer you the job.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37You what?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41We need a manager who can bring tranquillity to our workplace.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44But I don't want to be your corporate lackey.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I've been freed from materialistic concerns.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50We can offer you an additional 5,000 a year.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Money attracts me not.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Plus a company car and a clothing allowance.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I would not want that.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02And this pen.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09I'll take it. Things, things, things! Give me all the things, all the things.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16All right? What's happened to you?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I got a new job with loads of money.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24I am going to be a high-flying HR manager in the exotic world
0:24:24 > 0:24:27of chemical waste disposal!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- What happened to all the inner peace?- Stuff that. Look at me shoes!
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Hey, have you seen Billy? I've got some good news for him.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Excuse me, everybody. My brother has a secret he needs to tell you all.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42What are you doing? I haven't got any more money to give you.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44This isn't about money any more.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46You can't keep all these secrets.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51I tried to hide things in prison, but then the guards with those rubber gloves would find 'em.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Let me be your anal cavity search.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- And have everyone judge me?- Screw them, they can think what they like.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Look, if you don't tell them, I will.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Fine.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11The fact is, I've not been completely honest about where Helena is.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13She isn't on a rugby tour.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17I knew she wouldn't be on a man's rugby team. That was ridiculous.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20No, no, that part's true. They're just not on tour.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23We've been having some difficulties in our relationship
0:25:23 > 0:25:26and the fact of the matter is,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28she's left me.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31She's left me and she's not coming back.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Ah. Don't you feel better, admitting the truth?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36She's not coming back because...
0:25:36 > 0:25:37I'm gay.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- What?- What?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45What?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Tim's just come out.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Oh. Oh, all right.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I know this must be a shock to you all.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I didn't know that's why Helena left.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I thought things weren't working out between you.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Yes, because I'm a big gay.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06And you must be annoyed you can't blackmail me over it.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Hey, I wouldn't do that. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I'm actually a bit proud of you for admitting it.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Really?- Yeah.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Not so much that you dye your pubes and listen to One Direction, though.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- So, you're sure you're gay? - Oh, yes.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25It's always felt like something inside me wasn't content,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27like my soul was undernourished.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Plus, I couldn't stop thinking about cock!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- And I should thank you, Donna. - You should?
0:26:35 > 0:26:40Yeah. Because seeing you with no clothes on and feeling nothing but mild disgust
0:26:40 > 0:26:42really hammered home my feelings.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46You're welcome.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Well, I always knew you were gay, mate.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Really? What gave it away?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Just...
0:26:54 > 0:26:57everything you said and did.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Well, thank you for being such wonderful friends.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03My new life begins here.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06I'll start with a Malibu and Diet Coke.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Looks like his new life's quite a lot like his old one.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Hey, Billy. I bring good news.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Right? I got you another trial today.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19See? Told you I was a good mate.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24- Trial schmile.- Billy, they're expecting you in an hour and a half.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25It's all right. I'll make...
0:27:28 > 0:27:30So, how are you gonna fix this, Gaz?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Cassie, Cassie.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37Go and accuse Runcorn Rovers' manager of sexual harassment, get Billy a trial.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40D'you know what? I don't think blackmail's really for me.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41I'll get Billy to shag you.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Yeah, all right.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48See? Master of cunning.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51I could be a Paralympian.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55I keep thinking about Helena.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57I wonder whether I've made the right decision.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59You like cock.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- You can manage my training!- What?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04I made a terrible mistake letting her go.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06And I'm here to win her back.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10- Cassie, love? D'you want to go out sometime?- Seriously?
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Right, you maggot.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15It's time to get to work!
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:33 > 0:28:35E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk