0:00:02 > 0:00:04This is a chance for us to take a look at our lives.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- How's your wife? - On a nationwide rugby tour.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10- Billy got pissed.- Oh shit!
0:00:10 > 0:00:14I am going to be a high-flying HR manager
0:00:14 > 0:00:18in the exotic world of chemical waste disposal.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22She's not coming back because... I'm gay.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Go and accuse Runcorn Rovers manager of sexual harassment.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27I don't think blackmail's really for me.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31- I'll get Billy to shag you. - Yeah, all right.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:00:39 > 0:00:44# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:00:44 > 0:00:49# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now
0:00:49 > 0:00:51# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:51 > 0:00:55# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:00:55 > 0:00:58# And a pack of flakies. #
0:01:02 > 0:01:04(CLATTERING)
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- All right, Donna? - You all right?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15BLOWS AIR HORN
0:01:17 > 0:01:21I've pimped...my ride.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24You have lost...your mind.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29I was just thinking. Just cos I'm disabled, doesn't mean I can't have style.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Then how come you look like My Big Fat Gypsy Wheelchair?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Allow me to show you my accessories.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Chrome hubcaps.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Customised flag.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Sat-nav.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47There's a little extra.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- ROBOTIC VOICE:- Hello, Dinna.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58No, no, it's supposed to say "Hello, Donna". I'm just shit at typing.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And why are you doing this?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I've been fighting this wheelchair for too long.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07If I never walk, I want to be happy. I watched something last night
0:02:07 > 0:02:10that shows that wheelchair people are the coolest people ever.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14I mean, this film here sticks very close to the Daniel Day-Lewis original.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Just with more hardcore sex.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19"My Left Foot Fetish".
0:02:21 > 0:02:25For God's sake, Gaz, why do you only get inspired by porn?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Eh! It's a deeply powerful art form.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Plus all the birds get their growlers out.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Now, I want to take on the world by meself.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I feel I can do absolutely anything. Anything. Make us a brew, will you?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Make it yourself!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- ROBOTIC VOICE:- Lazy bitch.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57It's finally happened, Tim. Gaz is having a mid-life crisis.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Lucky for him I have a brilliant career that can fund all his twatishness.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Did you just shamelessly promote the fact that you've got a new job?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Oh, why, yes, I did.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09I've waited a long time for this opportunity.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I am going to be a brilliant HR manager.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Managing people's... happy...relationships...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20It stands for "Human Resources".
0:03:20 > 0:03:22(GIGGLES)
0:03:23 > 0:03:25No, it doesn't! (GIGGLES)
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Does it?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31So, are you excited about being in charge of your own team?
0:03:31 > 0:03:32I'm shitting a brick.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36I start in a week and I don't even know what HR stands for.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39At least you've got some direction in your life.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I just don't know what I want since I came out.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Yes, you do!
0:03:43 > 0:03:47You want to be all gay and fabulous. Why aren't you being fabulous? Be fabulous!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I don't feel very fabulous.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I keep thinking about Helena.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I wonder if I've made the right decision, breaking up with her.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57You're not attracted to her.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00You can't fight your physical instincts. You like cock.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Not necessarily!
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Helena could still get me going. Her rippling thighs,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10her vein-ridden biceps,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13the six o'clock shadow on her granite jaw...
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Yum.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20You all right, Gaz? Looking shit.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Yes, I am...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23the shit.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Remember how you asked me to blackmail that manager
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- to get Billy his football trial? - I do.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- Remember how you promised to get Billy to shag me in return? - I do.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Do you want to sort it out before I rip your fingernails off?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I do.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Oof, what I'd do to that boy!
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I'd chuck him on the bed, and then I'd rip his pants off with me teeth
0:04:44 > 0:04:46and then I'd scream... Oh! Hi, Billy!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Ha ha ha!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- Nice, isn't she? - Yeah.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Shag her.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59You what?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02At least ask her out. It's thanks to her you got your spot on Runcorn Rovers.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05If you bang her, you can tell me all the juicy details.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10I bet she goes like a malfunctioning Tickle Me Elmo.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- I dunno... - Just do it, dickhead.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19All right, then.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Hey, Cassie, love. You want to go out sometime?
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Seriously?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Sure.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31GIGGLES MANICALLY
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I think I broke her.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Wait till you stick your cock in her.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Hey! Not going to mention me chair?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Oh, you've done up your chair!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Looking good.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53You know who you look like?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58A bloke in a done-up wheelchair.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59D'you know...
0:05:59 > 0:06:02All this stuff, it's just... It's not enough.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03I need...I need to do more.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I need to do something that shows off how skill I am.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Like being a Paralympian?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Don't be thick!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12I need something better, something amazing.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Something that no-one else would ever think of.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I know!
0:06:19 > 0:06:20I could be a Paralympian!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Donna, I'm serious. I want to be a Paralympian.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Well, it might not be as easy as you think.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30You know, they don't just let anyone in.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32It's not like Dancing On Ice.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Or England.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Yeah, but I really want to make this happen. I thought you'd be behind me.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Well, I am behind you.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42It's just, I've just seen you get excited by stuff before -
0:06:42 > 0:06:45you know, sports, meat pies,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48shiny objects -
0:06:48 > 0:06:51and you usually get distracted when something else pops up.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Normally your knob.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56See, it's funny.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Usually when I try something new, you get involved and take over.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00What? No, I don't!
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Huh! - Well, only in a supportive way.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Huh-he-huh!
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Well, not in a bossy way.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Uh-hey!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Will you stop saying, "Huh-hey?"
0:07:11 > 0:07:15I might have been bossy before, but I will turn over a new leaf once I am a manager
0:07:15 > 0:07:21of happy human...relationship resources.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- Well, why don't you practise with me? - What?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Well, you could manage me training.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Well, I suppose it would be useful to give it a go.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Yeah, I can inspire and motivate you through support and encouragement.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I can help you find your potential, I can help you find your inner winner.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Hey! Ooh! Ooh, no, look. Eh, can you help me find me meat pie?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I lost it under the sofa on Tuesday.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Well, why didn't you pick it up then?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I just got distracted.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50By me knob!
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Cab should be here soon... to take me to win back Helena.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Maybe a quick drink for my nerves.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Ugh. Ooh!
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Donna thinks I can't deny my physical desires, but that's just stupid.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I mean, when I look at you, Billy, all I see is a man.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I don't care about your body.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I don't think about you sexually.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23I don't imagine your stubble brushing against my face as you kiss me tenderly.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Stupid Donna.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30So, I hear you finally asked Cassie out.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Won over by her unique charms, were you?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Nah, it's just cos Gaz told me to.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Do you ever get the feeling that you're easily led?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I do ever get the feeling that I'm easily led, yes!
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Look, you should give Cassie a proper chance.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I know she's not like the girlfriends you'd normally have.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Ye-ea-ea-eah!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50What do you mean, "Ye-ea-ea-eah?!"
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Well, to be honest, I've not really went out with anyone before, not properly.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I just always felt there was something special missing.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Hmm, I felt like that.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Yeah, but it was a dick that was missing for you!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Well, maybe Cassie has that missing something.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Cassie has a dick?
0:09:11 > 0:09:16No! She may have that something special you're looking for.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18She's different from all the other bimbos round here.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Oh, is she? All she ever says to me is...
0:09:20 > 0:09:23LAUGHS MANICALLY
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Yeah, well, that's just how she acts around you.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29It might be that you need someone forceful like her.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31You should really take this date seriously.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Oh, I dunno... - Oh, just do it, dickhead!
0:09:33 > 0:09:34All right, then.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39You know, me and this chair, we're going to win that gold,
0:09:39 > 0:09:43and we're going to be famous, right, and we'll be asked on Top Gear
0:09:43 > 0:09:46and then I'm going to tell Clarkson he's a twat.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Well, that's not fair, Gaz.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50It's that Hamster wanker who deserves a kick in the nuts.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53It's true.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Right, I have mapped out a detailed training programme.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00It says here, "Wash your bollocks."
0:10:01 > 0:10:03How's that going to help me be a Paralympian?
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Well, it's not.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07It'd just be a welcome change.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10So, to kick things off,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12let's go jogging!
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Oh, great, yeah. How's that going to work?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18No, no, actually, no. I'll give it a try.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Let's go.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Are we in Widnes yet?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Or we could go wheeling...
0:10:29 > 0:10:31you patronising cock.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32You what?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I love you.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Bit of a problem.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39It's 11 in the AM.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40So?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Well, me next wank's due at quarter past.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Listen, I won't get me five-a-day if I miss me mid-morning tug.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Look, Gaz. I-I-I don't think you should masturbate for a bit.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Whoa!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Come again?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Or not, in your case.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Look, if you want to get fit, you've gotta retain all your vital fluids
0:11:03 > 0:11:05and produce as much testosterone as you can
0:11:05 > 0:11:08and then you'll be a real athlete...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11with bollocks the size of space hoppers.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Whoa! No! You can't take my wank away from me. It's part of me.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18It's what I've done for as long as I can remember. I've always been a wanker.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24Well, from now on, no wanking, no shagging, and no wet dreams.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27What?! I...I can't help me wet dreams!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Well, can you try, because I'm tired of thinking I've woken up
0:11:30 > 0:11:32in a puddle of cream of mushroom.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38See what I mean? You're kind of being bossy rather than encouraging.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39No.
0:11:39 > 0:11:45I am politely instructing you in your aim that you achieve your full potential.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Now, move it, you lazy twat!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Excuse me.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Do you know Helena Claypole? I thought she'd be training here today.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02She was, but we had to take her off after a nasty collision.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Oh, my God!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06An ambulance drove past me on the way through. She wasn't in that, was she?
0:12:06 > 0:12:07No.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10That was for the three fellas she collided with.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12She's behind there.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14I'd give it a few minutes' rest, then you can stick your head round.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Righto. Thanks.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, poor Helena.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23This was a bad idea. I should go.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Are you the physio?
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Do I look like the physio?!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Damn.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I pulled something in my shoulder.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I really need some Deep Heat on it.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37And as I was saying, I don't look like the physio
0:12:37 > 0:12:38but I am the physio.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Oh, yes, I am. I am that man.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Great. Rub in as much as you can.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45If I must.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Are you ready for our big date? I'm so excited.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Just relax.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I've already had one of Tim's Valiums.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Although it might have been one of his worming tablets.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01So, what are we going to get up to?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Well, I thought we could do some of my favourite things,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07like go for a lovely picnic in a meadow,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10or go for a walk by a...a babbling brook,
0:13:10 > 0:13:14or go visit a delightful... puppy sanctuary.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Yeah, that would be lovely.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19All those little yapping runts doing their stinky turds all over the place,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21then eating them,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24then trying to lick their face with their filthy turd-covered...tongues.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Are you sure you like puppies?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Yeah!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It's kittens I can't stand.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Cassie, I've got a feeling you're not being yourself.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35However could you possibly mean such a thing, pray do tell?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I know when you put on an act around me, I'm not thick.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Tim pointed it out to me.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Right, I see.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46You're going to want to forget about today, then.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- I knew I needn't have brushed my teeth.- No.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I'm still up for going out, I just want you to be yourself.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Look, let's do some of your real favourite things.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57If you do say so, my dearest Billy.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Yeah, all right, then.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Look, if I knew you were going to be like this, I would have dressed normally.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Are you not dressed normally?
0:14:05 > 0:14:10No, I took my nipple rings out. You can hear 'em whistling in the breeze.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15Oh! I feel so alive after that. Don't you feel alive, Gaz?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Yeah, what, in the sense that I feel dead?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Right, now, I noticed some things that could do with improving,
0:14:20 > 0:14:24so I'm going to use my expert managerial skills to inspire you,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27and I'm going to start by giving you a shit sandwich.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Eurgh, what's that, like a dirty Sanchez?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34No, it's where a negative observation of you
0:14:34 > 0:14:36is cancelled out by two positives either side.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38For example...
0:14:38 > 0:14:39You're way out of shape!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41But your hair looks nice.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43But you're a big, fat, stinking failure! See?
0:14:43 > 0:14:48No, no, I thought it was supposed to be one bad thing followed by two good things.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52You've just given me a piece of bread surrounded by two shits.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Don't tell me how to encourage you, you dick!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00This is what I'm good at.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Yeah, not really feeling motivated right now.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Well, you'd better get motivated, buddy, if you're going to win Friday's little race.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08What little race?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Well, it's more of a marathon.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I made some phone calls while you were throwing up in that lay-by
0:15:14 > 0:15:16and I decided to sign you up.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Donna, I'm not ready for a marathon,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20and I watch cartoons on Fridays.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Well, not any more.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Say toodle-oo to Scooby-Doo!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I thought you weren't going to be bossy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I'm only doing this because I believe in you.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32This is all for you, and only you.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35And also to prepare me for my new manager's job.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37But mostly for you.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Fine, but you will tone it down a bit, won't you?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Of course.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46MUSIC: "So Macho" by Sinitta
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Right, you maggot.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52It's time to get to work!
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Go on, Gaz, smack him. Punch Jeremy Clarkson square in the face!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Harder! Harder! Useless!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00That's it, yeah. Now you really hate this man.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05Yeah, that's much better, Gaz! That's fantastic! Brilliant! Yeah! Whoo! Whoo!
0:16:05 > 0:16:06- Hey! - What?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Uh! No!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Yes!
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Yes. Absolutely brilliant.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27SHE BARKS INSTRUCTIONS
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Concentrate! Concentrate! Move it, you maggot!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Move it! Move it! Faster! Faster!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Go, go!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Yeah! Move it! Gaz!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Quicker!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Yeah, man!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Yes! Yes!
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Um...yeah, thanks for that.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53I notice you've got a lot of tension in your lower portions.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Is that why you bit my arse?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57It's a new technique.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I'm here to patch things up with my wife, Helena.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Helena?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03God, you're brave!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05How dare you!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Helena has a beautiful side to her that no-one else sees.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13She happens to have grace, refinement and a rare elegance.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17At times she can be delicate and demure.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20At other times she can be a real lady.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22HELENA FARTS
0:17:24 > 0:17:28I made a terrible mistake letting her go and I'm here to win her back.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Well, looks like you can tell her - she's woke up.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36Right, it's time to be bold and get what I want in life.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Yes, it's time to be...
0:17:39 > 0:17:40balls!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43I mean, bold.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46It's time to be big...
0:17:46 > 0:17:48hairy...
0:17:48 > 0:17:50bouncy...
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Oh!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Bugger it!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55It's OK!
0:17:55 > 0:17:56I'm a physiotherapist!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03So, how was it, visiting my world?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05All right, yeah.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I didn't realise Runcorn had underground cage fights.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Well, you've got to know the right people, really.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Hilda down the post office, she usually keeps me informed.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Well, did you enjoy it?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16It was quite violent.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20But that fighter didn't get his entire ear bitten off.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Oh, I know. Maybe next time, yeah?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25It was a nice afternoon.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28It was good to see you being yourself, Cassie.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Thanks.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31What you doing?!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Well, we had a nice afternoon, shouldn't we screw now?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36They can watch, I don't mind.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40It was a nice afternoon, but watching two guys batter the crap out of each other
0:18:40 > 0:18:41doesn't really get me in the mood to shag.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Really? Does me.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47It just wasn't very romantic.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Well, you didn't want to go to the babbling puppy meadow!
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Cos that's not you.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58If I'm going to see if you have that special something, I need to see the real you.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I can be romantic. Come back tomorrow and I'll show you.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Billy, please give me a chance.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08OK.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Awesome! I'll go get it sorted.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15I can put my nipple rings back in now. The girls feel naked without 'em.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19I'm telling you, it was absolutely amazing.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I gave this complete hunk a full body massage
0:19:22 > 0:19:24and then showered with the entire team.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Ooh, ooh-ooh! (LAUGHS)
0:19:27 > 0:19:30But other than that, telling your wife you might be straight went well.
0:19:30 > 0:19:36Oh, yeah, you were right, Donna. I couldn't deny my physical urges.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I do like men a lot more than I like Helena.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41A lot more.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Well, so now that that's sorted, are you going to get a nice boyfriend?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Yes. Although I might lie low for a bit.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Apparently the rugby club frowns on people impersonating physios,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54touching up their players and stealing all their jockstraps.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Anyway, I should get back to The Archer.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Cassie's probably burnt the place down by now.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Or forgotten to tape Glee.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Well, look, if Gaz is there, send him home, will you?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07His next workout started five minutes go.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09And if he's any later,
0:20:09 > 0:20:13I'm going to give him a thousand push-ups, no dinner and the back of my hand.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Why are you acting like this?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Well, it's all practice for my new managerial job.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19What are you doing?
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Running a slave labour camp?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24You're supposed to be working in HR and you've forgotten what the H stands for.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Haggis?
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Human!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Gaz isn't a machine.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Don't talk that way about the Gaz-Bot!
0:20:34 > 0:20:38He's got a wheelchair marathon on Friday that I need him to win.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41What happened to being supportive and caring?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I am being very supportive and very caring.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45And what if Gaz loses?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Then I'll kill him.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Hmm?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51With my kisses.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- So, is this romantic enough for you? - Sure.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Romantic.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Scary.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02One of the two.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04You're not eating the meal I made you.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05What is it?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Well, I wanted to make you something that shows who I really am.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Are you a piece of broccoli?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12No, I'm a vegetarian.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17What I'm trying to say is, I wanted to put a piece of myself on the plate.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Yeah, kinda lost my appetite.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24And I thought I could sing a song I wrote for you. That's romantic, right?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Well, sure.- And I got my favourite band to play it.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31They're called Rectal Discharge.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Oh. Lovely.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Billy McCormack, this song really captures how I feel about you.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43THRASH MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- SCREAMS:- # I love you, Billy
0:21:45 > 0:21:46# Raaaow
0:21:46 > 0:21:48# I love you, I love you, I love you
0:21:48 > 0:21:50# I love you, I love you, I love ya
0:21:50 > 0:21:52# Raaaow
0:21:52 > 0:21:54# Ow
0:21:54 > 0:21:55# Ow. #
0:21:55 > 0:21:57FEEDBACK WHINES
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Thank you!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07So, how was it?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I can't feel my ears.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Oh, God, I'm useless, aren't I? You don't like me at all.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I do, you've got loads of personality,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18and for a tiny girl, you can't half scream loud.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21But I don't know if you've got that special something.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24How's about this for a special something?
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Well?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Meh!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Great(!)
0:22:37 > 0:22:38I'm sorry, Cassie.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40It honestly isn't you.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42There's just something more I need.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I think I should go.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- Billy McCormack, you get back here now!- What?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- Get your arse over here! - Oh, I dunno...
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- Do it, dickhead! - All right, then!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58You...you should appreciate me.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I tried so hard to make you happy.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03You should get on your knees and worship my fanny.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08What...what are you doing?
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Getting on my knees to worship your fanny.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13You what?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16You're kind of getting me going.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Are you into me bossing you about?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Maybe.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Tell me if you're into me bossing you about!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I am, yeah.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Maybe that's the special something I've been missing all this time.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I do like being told what to do.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Well, if I'd have known that, I would have just said, "Snog me, you thick dick."
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Kiss me some more, you giant twat bag!
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Yeah, knee me in the balls and spit in me mouth.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Was that too much?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Nah, you're all right.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57CHEERS
0:23:57 > 0:23:58SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
0:23:58 > 0:24:00CHEERING
0:24:28 > 0:24:31GAZ PUFFS AND PANTS
0:24:33 > 0:24:36ROBOTIC VOICE: I'm shagged.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Well, what happened, Gaz?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I thought we were making progress with your training.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42(BREATHLESSLY) Well...
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Well, it turns out the others were much better than me,
0:24:45 > 0:24:46right, so...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I tried to take a short cut using me sat-nav.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52But then I remembered why I was going to throw it away.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55It doesn't pissing work. It sent me via Manchester.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I'm sorry, love. I let you down. Sorry.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01No, I'm sorry.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I was trying to be supportive but I pushed you too hard.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08HR might as well stand for...
0:25:09 > 0:25:11..."Horrible Rectum".
0:25:11 > 0:25:13What does it stand for?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I still don't know.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- But come on, Gaz, let's go home, eh? - Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on, come on.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Oh!
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Let's go.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26GAZ GRUNTS WITH EFFORT
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Oh!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34I didn't realise you were here.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Funny that, seeing as I live here(!)
0:25:37 > 0:25:39So, did you sort everything out with Helena?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I did, thanks.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42I'm glad.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44You deserve to find someone you really want to be with.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What's going on here?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49You're acting all...happy.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Did things go well with Billy?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Well, you could say that.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Cassie...
0:25:56 > 0:25:59are you going to pour hot wax over me balls or what?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Get back in there, scum!
0:26:02 > 0:26:03All right, then!
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Lucky bitch.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15You know...
0:26:15 > 0:26:20when I was wheeling the wrong way round the M52, I realised,
0:26:20 > 0:26:25them guys who finished half a day quicker than me, they're the cool wheelchair guys.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I can't be like that.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32But I can be like I used to be.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35And to do that...
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I need to walk again.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I don't believe this.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Have you been inspired by something other than porn?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Yes, I have.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I'm going to help you walk again.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53I'm going to support you properly - no more bossiness, just love.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Slightly bossy love.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56You know, I think
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- I'm going to be a good HR manager. - Yeah?
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Yeah, I've got to sack half the staff in the first week anyway, so...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Well, now that me training's over...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09..there's a certain little thing that I can do again.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14By which I mean shag you like a steam-hammer.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Er, I kinda worked that out.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Come here.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Ooh!
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Oh!
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Ohhh!
0:27:22 > 0:27:28Now, there's something you should get a gold medal for.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31ROBOTIC VOICE: Oh, yeah, Dinna.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34That feels so good.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Feels like you've been at my cock with the meat tenderiser.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44That's cos I have.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Maybe football can get me walking again.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I'm never going to find a nice man in Runcorn, they're all animals.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53I was wondering if we could have a chat about some feminine issues
0:27:53 > 0:27:54that have been affecting me lately.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57As long as I'm scoring off the pitch, I can never score on it.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01You're all the same - only interested in the contents of my underpants.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Well, there's nothing in there.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Usually when I menstruate...
0:28:05 > 0:28:06No! What is your problem?!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09I've got to call it off with Cassie.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:17 > 0:28:21E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk