0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour
0:00:06 > 0:00:08I just don't know what I want since I came out.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11You want to be all gay and fabulous. why aren't you being fabulous?
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Be fabulous!
0:00:12 > 0:00:16You should get on your knees and worship my fanny!
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Wha... What are you doing?
0:00:19 > 0:00:23Getting on my knees to worship your fanny
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Are you going to get a nice boyfriend?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26I need to walk again.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:00:35 > 0:00:39# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:00:39 > 0:00:45# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now
0:00:45 > 0:00:47# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:47 > 0:00:50# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:00:50 > 0:00:53# And a pack of flakies. #
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- You all right, my Billy big baws? - Yeah. I'm just a bit shagged.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Why?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Cos of all our shagging.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08(GIGGLES) We've been at it like rabbits, haven't we?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- Yeah.- S&M rabbits.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Yeah.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16S&M rabbits who like to stick kitchen utensils up their jacksies.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Yeah.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21That potato-masher might have been a bit much, though.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Now me farts smell like King Edwards.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Right, I'm ready for round two.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Get your trousers off and a stonker on.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Cassie, please. I can't manage any more sex.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Feels like you've been at me cock with the meat-tenderiser.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37That's cos I have.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I'm exhausted.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I don't want this interfering with me footie.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I've got to focus on me tackling, not me tackle.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Heading skills, not getting head.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53And my dribbling, not your dribbling.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Billy...you know all the other players' girlfriends?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Well, they're all really glamorous, aren't they?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Well, doesn't it bother you that I'm not like that?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Those WAGs smell like Paco Rabanne.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10And they never wear the same pair of jeans twice.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I haven't washed these since 2008,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15and even then, I found them on the pavement outside Scope.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19But you've got your own style.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23A charity-shop-robbing style...
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Anyway, I'd better get to training.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Hey, don't you want to eat your eggs? Keep your strength up.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Cassie, did you make these eggs with the whisk you shoved up me arse?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Maybe...
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I might just have some toast.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Well, today's the day, Donna.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I, Gaz Wilkinson, am going to walk again.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I can...I can feel it in me bones.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Not the ones in me legs, of course, but me other bones.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52(TELEVISION COMES ON)
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Right, I-I just think you need to do more to walk again
0:02:55 > 0:02:57than say, "I'm going to walk again,"
0:02:57 > 0:03:02and then watch endless repeats of Murder, She Wrote.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04It's that Jessica Fletcher. I can't get enough of her!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Should be called Fanny, She Wrote.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Or Murder, She...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Fanny...
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Or just Fanny, Fanny, Fanny.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16You need to be more proactive to walk, Gaz.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20The physio said everything's fine. It might even be psychological.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22You just need to find the motivation.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Is there something that can make you get out of that chair?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I can't believe I'm doing this.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40It's like something out of a filthy Generation Game.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46You know, it's probably something that Jim Davidson actually suggested.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50If anything's going to get me out of this chair, it's ultra-hard-core porn.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Here we go.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- It's not working! - Go on, Gaz, go on.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Turn that page and see what that guy's doing to those blonde twins, eh?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Only you can make it happen. - Yes. Yes, I can make it happen.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Oh, shit!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09It's falling! Oh! Oh, shit! Oh...
0:04:09 > 0:04:10You were so close, Gaz.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14I think I'd be more motivated if you just did what the twins were doing, yourself.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I can't get my legs that high,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19and we don't have a butter churn or a curious goat!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- I- could really do with a break from all this.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Fine. Why don't you just go and see your mates?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26See my mates? (SHOUTS) Hah!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Sorry, that was a bit dramatic, wasn't it? It's just...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33..I don't really have any mates.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I miss having a girl to talk to.
0:04:36 > 0:04:42You know, about girlie stuff that might be happening right now.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Oh? And you can't talk to me
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- about girlie things? - Tampons!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49You know I have nightmares about them things.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Well, I'm going to go out and get myself a new friend.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Donna, friends aren't like toilet paper.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58You can't just pop out and get some more when you run out.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Not that you do that with bog roll.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I had to use a copy of Heat the other day!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04It's weird wiping me arse on Paris Hilton's face.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06You're not the first.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I just know there's somebody out there who'd be my pal.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Somebody who'd understand the real me.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Somebody who'd listen to all my womanly woes and worries
0:05:16 > 0:05:19and tell me, "It'll be all right," and...
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Did you get any of that(?)
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Yeah, course.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29What did I say?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Summat about tampons.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Morning, campers. What a beautiful day!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Oh, Gaz, I heard how well you were doing in physio.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Are you using that pint as a motivation to walk?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48No, Cassie won't hand it to me.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I love seeing people struggle.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52That's why I've glued Arthur to the table.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57You seem in a good mood, Tim.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02I found an exciting new way to locate potential suitors in the area.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05You've put your phone number on the toilet wall again?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07No, I've never done that!
0:06:07 > 0:06:12Oh, no, I did that. Thought it might give you a hand. Or a hand job. Whoo!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I meant I popped down to the Carphone Warehouse
0:06:16 > 0:06:18and bought myself what's known as
0:06:18 > 0:06:20a smartphone.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Whoa, whoa, whoa, Einstein!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27There's a warehouse for car phones?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Yeah.
0:06:29 > 0:06:36Apparently, this smartphone can download apps, which is short for "applications".
0:06:36 > 0:06:41You're a dickhead, which is short for "man with a dick on his head".
0:06:41 > 0:06:46Anyway, there's an app here which will help me locate local gay men.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50This is my chance to form a real spiritual connection with a kindred spirit.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Oh, what's it called?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Shagger.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55That sounds filthy.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Is there a straight version of it?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I'm sure it's not as dubious as it sounds.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02I've already met a friendly sort.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05He sent me a message. It said, "Hey!"
0:07:05 > 0:07:06(MESSAGE BLEEP)
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Oh! Oh, he's sent me a photo.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Oh, my God!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Oh, he looks very friendly...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15and engorged.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oh, that's disgusting!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I can't even look at it. That's disgusting!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23It's disgusting!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Oh. How do you save photos on this thing?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31So where's Billy the Stud, then?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35He's gone to football training. Look, Gaz, you and Billy are mates.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I'm just a bit worried.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40He acted differently with me earlier. I don't know if I've done something wrong.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45Oh, that's given me an idea. Maybe football can get me walking again.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I'm sure your problem will sort itself out, love.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Did you even hear what it was?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Yeah, course. Summat about tampons.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Billy!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- What was that?! - Gaz! You've come to support me!
0:08:07 > 0:08:12Actually, I've come because... Well, football's the thing I miss most
0:08:12 > 0:08:13and I thought if I watched you play my beloved game
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I'd want to get out of this pissing chair.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Feel free to, "Go on, Billy, lad, get in there, son!"
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Go on, Billy, get in there, son.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Anyway, I'd better...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Billy! Billy.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- You're really good at football, right?- Yeah?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Yeah. Why are you playing like complete shite?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36OK, look... you know I've been seeing Cassie.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Well, she is really into me.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42And, well, she's kind of got a big appetite.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Oh, I get it. Eating all your food, depriving you of your vital nourishment.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50No, she's got an appetite for sex. She wants to do it all the time.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51You just won the Lottery, my friend.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54No, you don't understand.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I'm always like this.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59As long as I'm scoring off the pitch, I can never score on it.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Yeah, I was like that when I was a mechanic, you know.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05You were crap at fixing cars after you'd had sex?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Oh, no, during.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Yeah, man, trying to change a fan belt was a right bastard.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12It's time I took a stand.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15If it's affecting me footie, there's only one thing for it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Yeah, I've got to call it off with Cassie.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I admire your dedication, Billy,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23but you're turning down regular sex, you thick twat.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26That's it!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Oh, man, come on now, pass!
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Quicker! What was that?!
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Go on, babe, try and kick it back.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35OK.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37All right. I can do this.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Go on, babe!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40All right, Gaz, this is it, this is your moment.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Come on! Beckham, eat your heart out. Let's go. Here we go.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Bollocks!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53What can I get you, Donna?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Friends. That's all I need. Just friends.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59You could buy a drink too. I'm running a business here, not a drop-in centre.
0:09:59 > 0:10:04Seriously, Tim...since Janet and Louise left, I've got no-one.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07We used to be a three, now I'm a one.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I feel like that singer out of the Sugababes.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14The original one left and swapped with that other girl,
0:10:14 > 0:10:17then the moody one left so the Scouse one could come back.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I can't keep up with them.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23I'm sure you don't need to look too hard for a best friend.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I think you've already found that person.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Someone who works behind a bar.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32A loveable custodian with a devil-may-care smile.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Who's speaking to you at this very moment.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Me, you gormless bint! Me!
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Oh, that's...that's really sweet, Tim, but...I need a female friend.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I've got womanly matters to discuss.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Well, I don't mind talking about that stuff.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50OK, well, usually when I have my period...
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Ohhh!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Oof! Oh, now I feel nauseous.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Right, I definitely need a girlie pal.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02Hey, I could talk to Cassie! She technically qualifies as a woman.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Well, yes, in the same way that Victoria Beckham qualifies as a singer.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Mm.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11So, anyway, how's it going looking for a male lover on your...
0:11:11 > 0:11:13What is it again?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16App. It's short for application.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Chuffin' hell!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19And I've given up on that thing.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23It's nothing but a disgusting den of perverts flashing their private parts.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26I've literally been on there for hours...
0:11:26 > 0:11:28being disgusted.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I'm never going to find a nice man in Runcorn, they're all animals.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Don't say that. Well, when the right guy turns up, you'll know.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Hiya, can I get a gin and tonic?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Looks like the right guy might have just turned up.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I see what you mean.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Excuse me one moment.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Hello there.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Are you all right, Gaz? Hey, you've got mud on your face.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Yes, I know, I fell on it.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00It might not be mud.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Hey, go on, Billy!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Kick some arse!
0:12:06 > 0:12:07(GIGGLING)
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Intimidating, aren't they?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Fit and shaggable, but intimidating.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Do you actually think they're sexy?
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Yeah.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20And you like the way they dress?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Yeah.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24They look like cheap whores.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Yeah.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34He's gorgeous.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36He's like an angel.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- Go and talk to him. - I don't even know that he's gay!
0:12:40 > 0:12:44I'll find out... using subtle detective work.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Hi there.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Are you gay?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Yes.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Good for you. Keep chasing that rainbow.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Action stations, Timothy, he's a paid-up member of the brotherhood. Go on.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05I can't! What if he's another dirty perv, like those Shagger men?
0:13:05 > 0:13:10Then it's your lucky day. You've got to seize the moment - carpe penis.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13He's coming. Talk to him, you'll be fine. Go on.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Hey.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Hey?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Oh, I know how this goes.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21It starts with a "hey", then you're flashing your wing-wang at me.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Excuse me?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25What's wrong with you, hm? Pervert!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28What are you into? Fisting? Rimming? Shrimping?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Sorry, have I said something wrong?
0:13:30 > 0:13:34You're all the same - only interested in the contents of my underpants.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Well, there's nothing in there.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Well, I mean nothing for you. Do you think I'm some sort of sex obsessive?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41It kind of sounds like you are.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Er, yeah... Well, you wish!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Sorry to disappoint you, but you're not getting what you want from me.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I just want a drink.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51And to say hey.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Oh!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Oh, right. Oh!
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Hey!
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Heh.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02(SOFTLY) I think it's going very well.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08God, I played like crap.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I might as well be in the England squad!
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Look, I don't think you should come and watch me play any more, Cassie.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I know what this is about.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17You're ashamed of me.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19No!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Look, I don't want to have to do this, but...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25...maybe we should take a break for a while.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Take a break?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29We've been shagging less than a week!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31But we've done it, like, a thousand times.
0:14:31 > 0:14:3334 and a half, actually.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36We got kicked out of the church halfway through.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39We probably should have waited till after that funeral.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41I'm sorry, Cassie,
0:14:41 > 0:14:45but I've got to focus on me football.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Go on, then. You leave.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50You walk out that door. Let's just see if you do it.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52OK, bye.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56He did it.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Hi, Cassie!
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Mate.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02What d'you want?
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Well, I just thought that we could have a friendly chat, like comrades.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Sisters. Amigos, if you will.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I won't.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Seriously, Cassie, if something's bothering you, you can talk to me.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17It's just Billy.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21There's all these glammed-up tarts go to watch him play football
0:15:21 > 0:15:23and I know he prefers girls like that to me.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Well, then, you know what you've gotta do.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27You've gotta fight fire with fire.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Yeah!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I'll get some petrol and torch the stupid bitches!
0:15:34 > 0:15:35No-o-o, Cassie.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Fire bad.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41You've just got to beat them at their own game.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43You've got to see their fake tans
0:15:43 > 0:15:44and raise them a push-up bra.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Yeah, I guess I could do that. - Yeah.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51So, now that we've sorted out your problems, like good girlfriends,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I...I was wondering if we could have a chat
0:15:53 > 0:15:56about some feminine issues that have been affecting me lately.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57I guess.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00OK, well...usually when I menstruate...
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Ooh, what is your problem?!
0:16:03 > 0:16:04But you're a woman.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06In the same way that Victoria Beckham's...
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Yeah, yeah, Tim's already done that one!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I'm sorry for going a bit mad at you earlier.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I've just had some bad experiences with men lately.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I understand. There are a lot of salacious guys about.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Woah! You said "salacious"! Are you sure you're from round here?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- Well, I'm from Frodsham. - Frodsham!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28The Monte Carlo of the Northwest!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Is it as magical as people say?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32It's ten minutes down the A56.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34The A56!
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Ha!
0:16:35 > 0:16:39You know, I'd really like to get to know you...
0:16:39 > 0:16:40- um... - Leonard.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Yeah, school was a lot of fun for me(!)
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Well, you seem nice, Leonard.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47And so far, I seem crazy.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Will you give me the chance to prove I'm not a batshit wacko?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52(CHUCKLES) That sounds good.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Oh, but I need to pop out and do something.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Oh, I get it.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Is this because I accused you of being a pervert
0:16:58 > 0:17:00and said you wanted to look at my wing-wang?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02No, that stuff's marvellous.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I just left my phone in my car.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06I'll come back. Trust me.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07I do!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Of course I do!
0:17:12 > 0:17:13What's up, Tim?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I've been dumped! He's never coming back.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19I've ruined my first chance at real happiness since Helena.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20You've got it easy.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24I was this close to kicking a ball again, with everyone watching.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Fell in a pile of mud, smells like dog shit.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I-I-I really want to walk again and I know I can.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I just... I don't know what's wrong with me.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Well, if your physio thinks your problems are psychological,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37maybe it's the sterner approach you need.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Our old friend Mr Tough Love.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I could get you angry, give you a load of abuse
0:17:42 > 0:17:44and motivate you to get out of the chair.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45I'm game. How do we start?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47You're a pathetic little bastard!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Oi, piss off, arsehole!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Oh, sorry! Was that part of the tough love?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Yes!
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Ah!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Look at you! You're hopeless!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01I can Riverdance and you can't.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04# Hummin-na-na ner ner-ner-ner... #
0:18:06 > 0:18:08But that's cos I'm not a loser in a wheelchair.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11This is pretty good, cos I wanna get out the chair and batter you.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Go on, let's crank it up a notch.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13OK, OK.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Come on, drag your lazy, fat arse out of that chair, you useless invalid.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Why can't you walk like the rest of us?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Stoopid!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- Oh! - What you doing?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Leonard, I wasn't expecting you to come back.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30I think the clues were there when I said, "I'll come back."
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I didn't realise I'd find you doing this.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Oh, no, no, no, you don't understand. This is my friend.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36I was just helping him.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38This always works!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Well, it usually works!
0:18:47 > 0:18:48I'll see you, Tim.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Oh, no, Leonard, wait!
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Oh.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Don't worry about it, Tim. He'll be back.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Will he?
0:18:55 > 0:18:56I pissing well doubt it.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Look, Billy, I know you wanted us to have a break for a while
0:19:13 > 0:19:15and I know you didn't want me coming here
0:19:15 > 0:19:17but I thought if I dressed up a little bit...
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- What are you wearing?! - What, you don't think it's sexy?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Well, I didn't say that.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Good, cos I'm wearing three things I've never worn before -
0:19:24 > 0:19:26heels, perfume and knickers.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29They're right up me chuff!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32But why?
0:19:32 > 0:19:37You like wearing ten-year-old ripped jeans and T-shirts with "suck me cock" on it.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Well, yeah, but you want me to be sexy like that lot.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Well, it's why you've been avoiding me.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Because I'm not some Oompa Loompa with bazumpas like them.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I love the way you are, Cassie.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Really?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I thought you wanted me to be glamorous.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56I thought you didn't fancy me.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59No, I fancy you too much - that's the problem, love.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Anyway, they aren't glamorous.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Rita works down the sewers,
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Sharon used to be a trained butcher
0:20:08 > 0:20:10and Tracy used to be called Trev.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12(SHE LAUGHS)
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I'm telling you, Cassie, you're the best-looking girl here, hands down.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Really?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Well...
0:20:24 > 0:20:28in that case, Billy McCormack, how would you like some company tonight?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30No way! I've just said, if I spend the night with you
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I'm gonna be crap in tomorrow's football game.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Not happening - football's me life.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Oh, well, that's a shame,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39cos I was thinking of tying you down, sitting on your face
0:20:39 > 0:20:41and spanking your ball bag with a spatula.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Football's only a game. Right, let's go.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Wait, hang on. Aren't you in the middle of practising now?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Oh, yeah! Got caught up in the moment and all!
0:20:54 > 0:20:55That's my man!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57John! John!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59John!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Well...thanks for meeting me, Hazel.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08I hope you didn't think it was weird,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11me putting up ads around town saying I wanted to meet people.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I completely understand.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14I'm very open-minded.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Is that a leather belt you're wearing?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Oh, yeah, yeah. It's nice, isn't it?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Tell me...
0:21:22 > 0:21:26why do you think it's acceptable to wear a slaughtered animal around your waist?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31It were three quid in Primark.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Anyway, Hazel, um, now that we're pals there's something
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I'd really like to talk to someone about.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Tell me, Donna, are you passionate about the environment?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- ..Yeah. - Really?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45..Yeah.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Isn't it...isn't it terrible
0:21:47 > 0:21:52how all them carbon fumes are making that oil leak everywhere...
0:21:52 > 0:21:56melting those icecaps and killing all them poor polar bears?
0:21:57 > 0:22:02And soon all we'll be left with is...an oily...polar bear...
0:22:02 > 0:22:06on a defrosted... carbon-footprinted icecap.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Did...any of that make sense?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14You clearly don't know what you're talking about, Donna,
0:22:14 > 0:22:18and the fact that you're wearing a leather belt says a lot about you.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Look, Stig of the Dump!
0:22:20 > 0:22:21It doesn't make me a bad person
0:22:21 > 0:22:25just because I'm wearing something that stops my trousers falling down!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I don't think we can be friends, Donna.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Oh, yeah? Well, what a crushing blow(!)
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Why don't you go shag a tree, Bono?!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It's really nice having a new friend.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Especially after my boyfriend dumped me last week.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Not that I'd use you as a replacement for John.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Of course not! Huh!
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Could you cut your hair short and let me call you Joan?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Vot are you vearing?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Hm! Hey, do you like Justin Bieber?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53..So, after I cut him up into small pieces
0:22:53 > 0:22:56I put him in the deepfreeze and then I buried him in the woods.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02How people consider that murder I've got no idea! Hm!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Next!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07..You know what? I am having a really nice time, Anna.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Me too. I think you're really cool, Donna.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13You're not a mass murderer?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Or a vampire or a Justin Bieber fan?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Course not, silly! - Well, thank God for that.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20(BOTH CHUCKLE)
0:23:20 > 0:23:24It's just...so hard to meet other gay women round here.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I never stood a chance with Leonard.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30He's way out of my league.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32He's from Frodsham, for God's sake!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Frodsham?!
0:23:34 > 0:23:35What is he, a millionaire?
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Anyway...what about me? I've still not found a girlie best mate.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42(LAUGHS) She's still not found one yet?!
0:23:42 > 0:23:46(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) What, you still haven't walked yet?
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Well, that's sensitive - I wonder why you ain't got any friends(?)
0:23:50 > 0:23:55Because they were all eco-freaks, vampires and...predatory lesbians.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Predatory lesbians?
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Just shut up, Gaz!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Why don't you just give up?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I could find a friend if I wanted.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Yeah! I could befriend someone as soon as look at 'em.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Even her!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Come to mama, bosom buddy!
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Well!
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Hello there, partner!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19You look like a nice sort who'd enjoy a girlie chat.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Hm.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22That's right!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24So, have you got a name?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Kerri. People call me Kes.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Well, that is brilliant!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32(LAUGHS) Like the kestrel.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34..You know.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35The kestrel!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Called Kes!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41You know, "Come to, Kes, come to."
0:24:41 > 0:24:43You know, "Come to."
0:24:43 > 0:24:45You're pissing me off now!
0:24:45 > 0:24:46But...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- # VANGELIS: Chariots Of Fire - No!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Gaz, you walked!
0:25:02 > 0:25:03- You...you're walking! - Not right now, Donna.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I'm on me arse.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Not, but you got up and walked. You walked across the pub. You're on your feet!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12No, Donna, I'm still on me arse.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- Stop ruining the moment! - Sorry.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Well, can you do it again, Gaz?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Come to, Gaz!
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Come to!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Come on, Gaz. Try!
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Er...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Think about how you'll be able to shag me up against the wall again!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27And I'm up!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- Well... - Oh!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34He's back! Oh, my Gaz is back!
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Well, I guess I found me motivation. It was just me instinct to protect you, baby.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Oi, I haven't finished with you.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Oh, yes, you have, sugar tits.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45You don't come in my pub and threaten my customers. Now, sling it!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48You gonna make me, Russell Grant?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51You're the one that's gonna be seeing stars in a second, bitch!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Now, get out, you dirty biffer, and don't come back.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56And if you ever threaten my friends again
0:25:56 > 0:26:00I'll open a can of whoop-ass on you and a big, fat carton of bitch-slap.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Leonard!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I didn't think you'd come back.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Well, what can I say? Your drinks are reasonably priced.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I know you just saw me manhandling that girl
0:26:09 > 0:26:11and threatening to bitch-slap her. Oh, you must think...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14I think you're pretty heroic, Tim, sticking up for your friends like that.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17And you're surprisingly forceful when you're angry.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19I just...
0:26:19 > 0:26:22How about you stop talking whilst I still think you're heroic?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24You tend to say the wrong thing when you speak.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- Yeah, I just... - What did I just say?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33That little piggy there went to market.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35This little piggy went to town.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37And this little piggy...
0:26:37 > 0:26:39It tickles when I do it!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44It's amazing, Gaz walking again. It is a miracle.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- It's a modern-day miracle. - Mm.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- Like Fearne Cotton's career. - Yeah.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51So...
0:26:51 > 0:26:56I guess you discovered something tonight when you failed to make any new friends.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57What, that I'm a crap friend?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59You're not crap!
0:26:59 > 0:27:03You helped Gaz to walk again, you helped me with Leonard
0:27:03 > 0:27:04and you helped Cassie with Billy.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06You're right!
0:27:06 > 0:27:09I am freakin' awesome!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12So, what did I learn, then?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15That you don't need anyone new because you've got us.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18And you can always talk to me about anything.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Even stuff about your down-belows.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Really?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Of course!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27So, what's been bothering you so much lately?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I missed my period, I think I might be pregnant.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- ..Go on, put that in there. - Look!
0:27:40 > 0:27:45The guy at the bar's my ex. He's a complete psychopath!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47I'm such a waste of space. I've done nothing worthwhile.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I know something major will happen soon.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Ditch him. Or I will kill him.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56You can only be with one of us. It's either him or me.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- Oh. Oh, Donna, it's the hospital. - Hello?
0:27:59 > 0:28:03- Are you all right?- Yeah. I'm sure... They have to do some more tests.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05I'd like to go out with you, Tim.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Gaz?