0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains adult humour and some strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Gaz, your walked. You're walking!
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Not right now - I'm on my arse.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16You're the best-looking girl here, hands down.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20I guess I found my motivation - it was my instinct to protect you.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22My man!
0:00:22 > 0:00:24John! John! John!
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Will you give me the chance to prove I'm not a back-shit wacko?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30I missed my period. I think I might be pregnant.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
0:00:42 > 0:00:45# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
0:00:45 > 0:00:51# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# Just think I'll wait a while
0:00:53 > 0:00:57# I'll have a pint of lager, please
0:00:57 > 0:01:00# And a pack of flakies. #
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Isn't it properly amazing, being a couple?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Yeah, the best things come in twos -
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Twixes, boobs and the Chuckle Brothers.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14I'm so happy with you, Billy.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17You make me feel like the nice girl I always knew I could be.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21BABY VOICE: Aw! You're my cuddly-wuddly!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- BABY VOICE:- Aw! Don't make me puke in your face!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Gaz is going to love this party.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29He is a really big fan of surprises.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Every time he gets an unexpected erection, he giggles like a schoolgirl.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I thought he'd have had enough surprises recently,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37what with finding out that you might be pregnant.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41HIGH-PITCHED: Have we got enough balloons in here?
0:01:41 > 0:01:45You haven't told him, have you?! Have you even taken the test yet?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49There's no need. I thought I missed my period ten years ago.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I've kept a very, very strict diary ever since,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53and now they're more predictable than...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Prince Philip saying something unfortunately racist.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58I can't have a baby.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Why not? You've lived with Gaz all this time.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04That's very similar to looking after a child.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And one person throwing tantrums and gnawing on my breasts
0:02:06 > 0:02:07is quite enough, thank you.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Look, you have to tell him what's happening.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Oi! I've been waiting for a drink for five minutes!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18I'm sorry, but we're having a very serious conversation here!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Really?
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Cos it sounded to me like, "Blah, blah, blah, I might be pregnant."
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Followed by, "Waffle, waffle, shit advice, flounce."
0:02:30 > 0:02:33That was quite a good impression of you, I'll give him that.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Isn't this great? I love surprises!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Oh!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41The guy at the bar's my ex.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43He's a complete psychopath.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Even the mention of his name gives me the chills.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Graham.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51I didn't think psychos were called Graham. More like Slasher...
0:02:51 > 0:02:53or Jeremy.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Right, if we play it cool, maybe he won't notice us.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Hi, Graham!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Your ex-girlfriend Cassie's right here.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08ALL: Surprise! CHEERING
0:03:08 > 0:03:09What a surprise! I didn't know you had a party planned!
0:03:09 > 0:03:14Everyone! Can I have your attention, please?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Since Gaz has reached the ripe old age of 30,
0:03:17 > 0:03:21I have arranged a little surprise for him.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I thought it would be nice
0:03:23 > 0:03:28to tell everybody the tale of your incredible journey to the big 3-0.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31# This is your life! #
0:03:31 > 0:03:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Nice one! All right, listen, listen, listen. Be warned, everyone,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39there's going to be some crazy stuff dug up here, I know there is.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43SHE CLEARS THROAT In 1981...
0:03:43 > 0:03:48Aw! ..Gaz Wilkinson came into the world
0:03:48 > 0:03:50in a hospital in Runcorn.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54He then went to school...in Runcorn.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59At 15, Gaz became a mechanic in Runcorn.
0:03:59 > 0:04:0313 years later, Gaz was in a car accident
0:04:03 > 0:04:06and had to go back to hospital in Runcorn,
0:04:06 > 0:04:11where it all started for him, in Runcorn.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15It's been quite a journey, hasn't it, Gaz?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Yeah. Yeah, I, erm...
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Yeah, I was born, went to school, fixed a few engines,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28had a car crash and went to hospital.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Oh, yeah - in Runcorn.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36# This is your life. #
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I was so excited about getting my life back after the accident,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46but what have I got to show for the last 30 years,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49apart from...knackered wrists and a massive load of used tissues?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Donna, all I've got is you. - Well, that's not true.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55You've got Corinthian.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Yeah, and unlike his dad, he managed to leave pissing Runcorn.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I'm such a waste of space! I've done nothing worthwhile.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06Well, don't say that. I... I know something major will happen soon.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Oh, yeah? What?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Well, like you're going to be a dad again. I'm pregnant, Gaz.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14What? How?
0:05:16 > 0:05:21Well, when a man and a lady love each other very much... From us having sex!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24How do you think? We weren't always careful after your accident.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29What? No? You mean one of my disabled little guys made it through?
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Well, they weren't in wheelchairs themselves.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Or your fanny had good access ramps!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41This is amazing! I can't...I can't believe it!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- You're going to be a great mum! - Do you think so?
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Yeah, you can handle anything,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48like late nights, early mornings, puke, piss, poo.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Yeah, you're going to be a star!
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Yeah, I can't wait.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Look, just...just don't get too excited. It's early days yet.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58No, no, no, no, I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm cool, I'm cool.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Yes!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Yes! Hey, who's the daddy?!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Who's the daddy? Me! That's... I'm the daddy!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Come on!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11So I said, "Hey, I'll have the whole piece,
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- "but only if you don't tell the nun." - HE LAUGHS
0:06:15 > 0:06:17SHE LAUGHS UNCERTAINLY
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Please laugh, Billy.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Oh, I just got it! A nun!
0:06:22 > 0:06:26You're dead funny, Graham.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Oh, this guy kills me!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I'm going to get some more drinks in.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33What are you doing with that drippy twat?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Ditch him, or I will kill him.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Only joking!
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Kind of.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Look, Graham, I'm with Billy now and...
0:06:42 > 0:06:45You need to be with someone dangerous like me.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Come on, remember all the trouble we got in, all the plans we made?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52We never could have invaded Wales.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56And I'm not like that any more. I want to be a good girl now,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59like Holly Willoughby.
0:06:59 > 0:07:05So if I said, "Let's go and steal some lighter fuel, set a sheep on fire
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"and then shag on its ashy remains,"
0:07:07 > 0:07:10that wouldn't get you going?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Baa! - HE MIMICS EXPLOSION
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Ooh, you still know how to make me wet!
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Oh! Hello, Leonard. Were you hoping for a drink?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I was actually thinking about dinner.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Oh, you'll be lucky. We stopped serving at seven.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Look, I meant you and me.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29In a restaurant.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Not here.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33On another day.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Yes, all right! You don't have to spell it out to me! I'm not stupid!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39What exactly are you saying?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40I'd like to go out with you, Tim.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42But why?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I think you know why.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Oh! - HE GIGGLES
0:07:46 > 0:07:47You.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50No, seriously, why?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Because I think you're cute, and I'd like to get to know you
0:07:54 > 0:07:56and...see if we can take things to the next level.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- So? How about tomorrow? - Well, it sounds lovely.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Whoa there, cowboy!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Let's wait for the date!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Come on. Good.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Gaz, we need to talk!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Wait, wait, wait.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Check it out.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Watch this! Watch, watch, watch!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31What's up?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Well, er, I went to the doctor's to make sure that everything's OK...
0:08:35 > 0:08:40Why didn't you tell me? I wanted to come and gloat, offer some of me power spunk.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43She asked me if I'd been under any stress lately
0:08:43 > 0:08:48and I said that my boyfriend was in a coma, then paralysed,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50our flat had burnt down,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52we were homeless and broke,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55and our lives had entirely no hope...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00..and she said that could cause some stress.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03What are you saying? Is the baby all right?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06There is no baby. I'm not pregnant, it was just stress.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10What, you were pregnant with stress? What's that, like a food baby?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15No, my...my body got all...shagged up from worrying.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18That's why I missed my period, so we're not having a baby.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Oh, right.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I'm so sorry, Gaz.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28Hey, no, no! Hey, it's not your fault, you know? Are you all right?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Yeah, yeah, I'm sure... They have to do some more tests, but...
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I should never have told you I was pregnant.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I just wanted to make you feel better.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39As long as you're OK.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Hey, well, come on! We can do it now! Let's get them eggs scrambled!
0:09:44 > 0:09:45What?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48We can have a kid! My jizz brigade managed it once.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- You were going to have the baby before. - Right, but that's when I thought
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I had no choice and...now I can choose.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56I don't want a baby, I never have, you know that.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57What about what I want?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59What about all this shit?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I don't need £200 credit at Mothercare.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Right, so we should have a baby because you bought a cot?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08And a pram.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Look, I'm sorry, Gaz, I really am,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14but things have changed so much lately,
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I'm just happy with the way things are now.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Well, what does that mean?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I don't know. I...
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I suppose I'd better take all this stuff back.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Come on, Gaz Junior. Let's go.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Shite!
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Are you OK, Gaz?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Not really.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Come on, cheer up, babe. You've got to look on the bright side of life.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Cassie's out with her ex and I think, "Good for her, that she still can be mates
0:10:52 > 0:10:53"with a handsome former lover."
0:10:55 > 0:10:58And if she decides to leave me for him then...what can you do?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Are you thick?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02What you can do is stand up for yourself!
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Cassie wears the trousers in our relationship, and I wear the knickers.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Listen, if you don't fight for your woman, you're gonna lose her.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Don't let life pass you by like it has me,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16otherwise you'll end up a sad old man with just broken dreams.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Sounds like you need a change of scene.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- You should visit somewhere. - Like where?
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Like Liverpool!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I don't need to score any crack, thanks.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Gaz, it's the City of Culture.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- It's produced amazing things. - Like what?
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Me!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Yeah, I think I'll go somewhere else, thanks, Billy.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40All right, Gaz?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Yeah, I'm great. I'm leaving.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45But you only just got here, love.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46No, I'm leaving Runcorn.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I wanna see more of the world, like that time when I saw them rhinos in the wild.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52That was Knowsley Safari Park.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, this time I'm gonna go even further than Knowsley.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57What, Wigan?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02So that's it? I won't have your baby so you're leaving me?
0:12:02 > 0:12:03No, I want you to come with me.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Look, Donna, you're... you're the only good thing I've got left, right,
0:12:08 > 0:12:12and if you are stressed out, maybe going away could...relax you.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Well, it is better than your suggestion that I strum one out.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17What do you say?
0:12:18 > 0:12:19OK, why not?
0:12:21 > 0:12:22I could do with getting away.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26I'm not really fussed about my job, to be honest. I hate HR, they're all wankers.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Maybe this might be good for us.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Yes, this is brilliant! That's br...
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Right, erm...
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Right, so I guess...I guess we should...
0:12:36 > 0:12:38we should go to Rome and do as the Romans do, whatever that is.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43And then we can check out the rain in Spain, which falls mainly on the plain.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Whatever that is.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Marvellous.
0:12:46 > 0:12:51Any plans that aren't based on crap sayings that you clearly don't understand?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Not really, no.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Right...
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Hiya, Billy, mate.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01You all right, babe? I mean...
0:13:01 > 0:13:03DEEP VOICE: You all right, babe?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Look, I've had enough. You can't take my girlfriend off me - she's mine.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Well, technically I'm hers, but...but that's how I want it.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Why would I steal your girlfriend?
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Even though she should be with me, because you're a pathetic loser.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- HE LAUGHS - Only joking!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I know your game - how you pretend you're joking,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24but actually you mean stuff.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Hey, you're smarter than you look, mate.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- HE LAUGHS - Only joking!
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Anyway, Cassie, you can only be with one of us.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36It's either him or me.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38What, you want me to choose?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Yeah, I'm standing up for myself.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41If...that's OK.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Tomorrow at two o'clock, I'm going to be somewhere dead romantic
0:13:46 > 0:13:49and if you want to be with me, you should meet me there.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Right, where?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53This pub.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56All right, well, I'll be at the train station at two o'clock.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00If you pick me, meet me there and we'll leave this shitty little town.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01WHISPERS: Damn, that's better than mine.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06But this'll be like picking between Phillip Schofield and Satan!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10No woman can be expected to make that choice!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16So are you looking forward to your first date tonight?
0:14:16 > 0:14:17It's not my first date!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I mean, it's my first ever gay date,
0:14:20 > 0:14:24but I obviously had lots of hot mamas before Helena.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Yes, I was quite the tom cat.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30No, this is literally my first date, gay or otherwise.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33And you're shitting yourself, aren't you?
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Oh, like a burst pipe!
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Leonard was talking about taking things to the next level.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Ooh, you lucky bugger!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Well, fill your boots...
0:14:43 > 0:14:46with spunk!
0:14:48 > 0:14:52And by "boots", I mean "mouth".
0:14:52 > 0:14:57Ew! Ew! Well, don't you think it's all moving a bit fast?
0:14:57 > 0:15:02No, you twat! Look, are you sure you haven't got intimacy issues, Tim?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Are you frightened to get physically close to someone?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Of course not!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Don't touch me! Stay away!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10You need to relax.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13You could do with a good shafting. Right, hey!
0:15:13 > 0:15:17How about I pick you out a nice shirt,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19something that says "spunk in my boots"?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24PHONE RINGS Oh, you get that.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Donna's dirty chatline.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Oh! Oh, Donna, it's the hospital.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Hello?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Yes, my test results, yeah.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Well, what do you mean, inconclusive?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Right, but you were rooting around in my fanny for the best part of an hour
0:15:46 > 0:15:50and if you'd been there any longer, I would have charged you rent.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54I see.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Right, erm, thank you.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Donna, what's wrong?
0:16:02 > 0:16:06They don't know. I've got to be available for more tests.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Well, how long for?
0:16:09 > 0:16:10They don't know.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13But what about you going away with Gaz?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Yeah, I guess that's not happening.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Yeah, he hadn't thought it through anyway.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22He probably wanted to cross the Atlantic on a pedalo.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Look, do you want me to cancel my date and stay with you?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28No, of course not. Anyway, come on.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Let's not worry about my life-threatening illness
0:16:32 > 0:16:37and crushing my boyfriend's dreams, and pick you out a lovely shirt.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Something with a subtle nod to 1920s Hollywood!
0:16:42 > 0:16:47Whoo-hoo! Eh? I'm all prepared for our travels.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Arriba, huh?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Are we going to a Looney Tunes cartoon?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Look, Gaz, we need to talk.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Wait, wait, no, me first, listen.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01I know that you thought I wasn't serious about going away, so...
0:17:01 > 0:17:03I bought this book, right, and it says in here
0:17:03 > 0:17:07that they use different money in different countries.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10It's called currency.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13You really are taking this seriously, aren't you?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Yeah, of course! We can't just hang around here - life's too short.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Look, Gaz, I don't think I can go with you.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21What? No, you said you would, you were up for it.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Right, but that was before I knew...
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Knew what?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27It...it doesn't matter.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Oh, great. Great.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33So I've got a ton of baby stuff I can't use and a sombrero I can't wear.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Right, so maybe you should stop randomly buying things.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Look, it's not that I think that you shouldn't go. I think you should.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44You should just go on your own.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45What?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47You really want to do this.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50You bought a book, for God's sakes!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54If you're that passionate about it, you should go.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Well, what a surprise(!) Donna's being selfish again.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Is this about your career, is it? - No,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03it's just that you act like all you've got is me.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08Well, what if you didn't have me any more and what if I wasn't around?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10What does that mean?!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12It means I can...
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I can't keep holding you back.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Everything's got to be on your terms, hasn't it?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- It isn't like that. - It's always like that!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21You say you'll go away with me then you won't,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23you say you'll have me kid then you don't.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24No, Gaz...
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Do you know what? Do you know what? I'm glad that we never bothered.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29You'd be a terrible mother.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33All you care about is yourself.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Are you sure you're having a good time, Tim? You seem a little nervous.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50No! I'm not nervous! Not me!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I've been on loads of dates, I have!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56In no way do I feel out of my comfort zone.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Relax a bit, OK?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04OK, I'll try.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Well, that was a lovely main course, wasn't it?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Yes, it was, Leonard. It was, yeah.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13So...
0:19:14 > 0:19:15What now?
0:19:18 > 0:19:22As a noble suitor, I feel we shouldn't take things any further
0:19:22 > 0:19:24and we should bring this evening to an end, as pleasant as it's been.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Tim?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I shall leave enough money to pay for the meal.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32As I consider myself the man, I feel it's right that I should pay.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Not that you're...not the man.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35No, no, no, erm...
0:19:35 > 0:19:40Nor that if me and you were to ever...er, you know,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42that we would somehow designate roles.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I bid you good day!
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Wrong way!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55That's it, Tim! Cassie's not coming!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Well, she'd better be! Her next shift's at four.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59I meant she's not coming for me.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01She's picked Graham.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Oh, never mind, Billy. Some of us are just destined to be alone.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09I know I'll be growing old without any physical pleasure
0:20:09 > 0:20:12and only my legions of cats and my John Barrowman photograph for company.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18Come on, Captain Jack, let's embrace our lonely fate.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21He's a chuffing drama queen, my brother.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Cassie! You came!
0:20:23 > 0:20:27How could I choose anyone over you, Billy McCormack?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30But Graham's fun and nice-looking and he tells a good story.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Oh, and that smile of his!
0:20:34 > 0:20:36You can still go catch him at the train station.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39He wouldn't be interested in me.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Shut up, you lovely moron!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43OK.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Gaz?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Gaz?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05"Donna, I've gone to the airport.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07"I've wasted enough time hanging round here.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11"Maybe when I come back you'll have learned to be less selfish.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13"That's if I ever do come back.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14"See ya. Gaz."
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I love you, Cassie.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I love you too, Billy McCormack.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Aw, ain't this touching(!)
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- I think I might be sick. - Graham?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32I knew you'd choose Billy over me... because you're a loser
0:21:32 > 0:21:33and you wanna be with other losers.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Plus, I saw it on your Twitter feed!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Well, if I can't have you back,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I ain't gonna let this pathetic Scouser have you either.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44You stay away from him!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46I can fight me own battles, Cassie. I'm tough.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47- Shut it, Billy!- OK.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I never stood up to you when we were together,
0:21:51 > 0:21:52so I'm doing it now.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54You're not gonna do anything to me.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57You're just a frightened little girl.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00You need a real man like me to take control of you.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03God, you're right.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I should be with someone like you.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07That's all I'm good for.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Only joking!
0:22:14 > 0:22:19Now fuck off and if you ever come back again, I will kill you!
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Cassie, that was amazing!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Oh, I'm so proud of you!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Even though you technically threatened to murder someone.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30You chose me cos I stood up for myself!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- I've got to do that more often. - No, Billy.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34OK, great.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Gaz!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Gaz...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I'm s-sorry.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Gaz. Gaz!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Why couldn't I go out with a blond bloke with an Afro?!
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Oh, John Barrowman photo, you understand me.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00You're not concerned with matters of the flesh.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Oh, why would you be? You're a photograph!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- KNOCK AT DOOR - Who's there?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07KNOCK AT DOOR
0:23:07 > 0:23:11h, Beyonce's bloomers! If you've forgotten your key again, Cassie...
0:23:11 > 0:23:15- Hello. - Leonard! Who let you up here?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Your sister. Well, she had to stop going at it
0:23:18 > 0:23:21with her boyfriend on the bar first, but...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Well, I hope she put a beer mat down.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Look, I'm not really comfortable with you being here.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29What are you so afraid of?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33You! And your big...penis.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Tim, please!
0:23:35 > 0:23:36It's not that big.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38It's pretty big.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40But not that big.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Why is that scary?
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Because you wouldn't really want me. Let's be honest, I'm not sexy.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I think you're sexy.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Oh, you're just saying that.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Look at me! Who'd want to...?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Oh, my...!
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Oh!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I really fancy you...
0:24:03 > 0:24:05and I'm happy to take things slow.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Bugger that!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Gaz! Excuse me, excuse me.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Gaz! Sorry.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- Gaz.- You're coming?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Travelling a bit light, aren't you?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Er, no, I'm not coming with you.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25I just... I didn't want you hating me from the other side of the world.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I don't hate you. I couldn't.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33I could stay.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35No, you need to do this.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38There's more to your life than Runcorn.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Unless you want to stay?
0:24:42 > 0:24:43I do, I do.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Just...I also want to go.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Then you should go.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Or you could stay.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57No, no, Donna, you're doing my head in. I can't...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I love you so much.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08I love you too. I...I always will.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12No, I was just thinking about having kids.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17I mean, if a poor young couple accidentally fall pregnant
0:25:17 > 0:25:19then they can still be all right, can't they?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22MUSIC: "All Time Love" by Will Young
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Ah-ha!- Ta-da!
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Ta-da!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I love you, Donna.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29I can only offer you my heart.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Gaz, you promised me
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- this wouldn't happen again! - Want to get in?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- Oh, my God!- Miaow!
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Let's give it another ten minutes.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57If nothing happens, I'll stick me finger up your arse.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Ah! Wait, what are you doing? I thought we were going to christen the van?
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Stop!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Satan! HE SCREAMS
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Why can't you just leave me alone?!
0:26:10 > 0:26:11It's a sheep!
0:26:11 > 0:26:12- Baa!- Argh!
0:26:14 > 0:26:16SHEEP BLEATS
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Maybe you could wear skirts that leave less to the imagination...
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Are you crying?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30No, you twat!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- Shut up. - Never speak to me again!
0:26:34 > 0:26:35How did this happen?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45You don't understand me.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Anyone who stuck their cock in their wife's best friend!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55The tit wanks are more cushiony.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Right!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Yes! Yes!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Have you got a massive hard-on?
0:27:04 > 0:27:05I hate you.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Bogge ye offe!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10We can't keep doing this, Gaz. We're adults now.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12What have I been doing?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14But I love him too. I always have.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15So will you marry me?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Go on, give us a snog, pretty girl.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Will you marry me?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I love you.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30ANNOUNCEMENT BELL CHIMES
0:27:30 > 0:27:35TANNOY: 'Would passenger Wilkinson please proceed to gate 9 immediately.'
0:27:35 > 0:27:37You've got to go.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I don't want to go now.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Yes, you do.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- Come here.- Don't... SHE SOBS
0:27:57 > 0:28:01I love you, all right? Bye.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# I want an all time love
0:28:08 > 0:28:15# To find me
0:28:15 > 0:28:21# I want an all time love
0:28:21 > 0:28:27# Cos nothing else is good enough
0:28:28 > 0:28:33# I want an all time love
0:28:33 > 0:28:41# To find me. #