0:00:02 > 0:00:03Contains strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07'Dear Gwen,
0:00:07 > 0:00:10'I had an amazing dream last night.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12'We were having a picnic by a waterfall.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14'You made us ham and pickle sandwiches
0:00:14 > 0:00:16'and I told you they tasted better than Pret,
0:00:16 > 0:00:20'which you thought was funny even though I wasn't joking.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24'You said I looked handsome and I sang you a song with my guitar,
0:00:24 > 0:00:27'which was weird because I didn't remember bringing a guitar,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29'but that's dreams for you.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31'Then we made love in loads of positions
0:00:31 > 0:00:34'but mostly doggie style cos I know that's your favourite.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38'I woke up after that. Now all I remember is the pain.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43'I miss you, Gwen.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44'I can't go on without you
0:00:44 > 0:00:46'And that's why...
0:00:46 > 0:00:47'I've decided to kill myself.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50'Love, Andy.'
0:00:56 > 0:00:59HE TUNES RADIO
0:00:59 > 0:01:01MUSIC: "Cheeky Song" by The Cheeky Girls
0:01:02 > 0:01:06DRAMATIC OPERA MUSIC
0:01:16 > 0:01:18MOBILE RINGS
0:01:23 > 0:01:26PHONE RINGS
0:01:26 > 0:01:28ANSWER MACHINE: Hi, this is Andy, leave a message after the...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30HE BELCHES
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Andy? Are you there? Pick up.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35If you're listening to this
0:01:35 > 0:01:37and not answering, I disown you as my brother.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39That's it. I'm hanging up in ten, nine,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42eight, seven, six, five,
0:01:42 > 0:01:49four, three and a half, three, two, one...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- This better be good.- Shit! Thank God you're there.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- What took you so long?- Nothing.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Just watching porn.- OK, TMI.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Right, can you pick Roly up from school for me?- Who?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- Errol? Your nephew. - Oh, right, Errol.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Uh, yeah... No!- Shit, Andy. When have I ever asked you for anything?
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Exactly, so why start now?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07THEY HUSH EACH OTHER
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Because I've called every responsible person I know
0:02:09 > 0:02:11and they're all busy. Come on, please, I'm begging you.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- I'm actually going to hang up now. - Andy, wait! Wait!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Wait, please. Please.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Listen, I've just got out of class and there's no way I can pick him up
0:02:17 > 0:02:19and get him to football on time.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- So he misses football. Big deal! - Yes, it's a huge deal, actually!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24He misses football and his dickhead dad finds out,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27it could ruin the custody case. Oh, come on.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Have you really got anything better going on?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32ELECTRICAL FIZZING
0:02:32 > 0:02:35MUSIC: "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult
0:03:00 > 0:03:03BELL RINGS
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Hey.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Hey, little fucker.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Hi, there. Can I help?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Uh, hello, Miss. I'm here to pick up Errol.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15I'm his uncle.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Really? I've not seen you before.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19You could just be some weirdo
0:03:19 > 0:03:21looking to steal young boys, for all I know.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Sorry, I'm joking.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Your sister called to say you'd be coming.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I couldn't resist. Roly, your uncle's here for you!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I didn't know Roly had an uncle. Are you two close?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Yeah, yeah. We're like best mates.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34I'm like a second dad to him.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Take him out for pizza all the time...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I thought he was allergic to wheat.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42He is, but I know a little place that is wheat-free all the way.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- Right.- He reminds me a lot of myself at that age.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- I mean, not as good looking, obviously.- Obviously.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Takes his time packing, doesn't he?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52THEY CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- So, what do you do?- I'm a musician. - Oh, musical family.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Roly's quite the piano player, isn't he?
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Is he? I mean, yes, he is..
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I mean, I taught him everything I know, so he should be.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06So, what do you do?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- I'm a teacher.- Oh, yes, of course.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Just checking!
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Hey, mate. Up top!
0:04:14 > 0:04:18That is classic Roly. He is always missing the high five.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- My name's Andy, by the way.- Melodie.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Melodie? That's got a nice ring to it.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Bye...Bye, then.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Come on, I haven't got all day.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39IN HIGH, GRATING VOICE: "Hi, Uncle Andy.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40"Thanks for picking me up.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43"I'm sure you've got lots of more important things
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- "to be getting on with." - Why couldn't Mum pick me up?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Because she's dead. I've come to take you to identify the body.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50That's not funny.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Well, I'm only a chauffeur, I'm not a bloody comedian.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Come on!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Do you mind? I'm allergic to cigarettes.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- Since when?- Since my whole life.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- So, Roly...- Don't call me that.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Fine, Errol. Are you any good at football?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- You don't have to do this. - Do what?- Make small talk.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- We could just not talk.- Fine.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18That's absolutely fine by me. We'll just sit in silence.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19That's great.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21We'll just sit here in silence, not talking.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25OK, what are you doing?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28I'm counting how long it'll take you to start talking again.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Yeah, great. OK, brilliant. We don't need to do small talk.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Let's jump straight into the big stuff.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Do you have a girlfriend?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35No. You have to be in love to have a girlfriend.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Let me tell you about love.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39When you're in love, it feels like you're walking on water,
0:05:39 > 0:05:40and then you realise,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"Oh, hang on, I'm not walking on water,
0:05:42 > 0:05:43"I'm actually drowning."
0:05:43 > 0:05:48Then a shark bites off your foot and you go, "AH! AH! MY FOOT!"
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Then another shark comes along
0:05:49 > 0:05:51and it goes straight for your cock and balls!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54And you're going "Save me! Somebody, save me!"
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Then a seagull plucks you out of the water and you think,
0:05:56 > 0:05:58"I'm saved! I'm saved!"
0:05:58 > 0:06:01and then he drops you on to the jagged rocks
0:06:01 > 0:06:04and you explode like a rotten watermelon
0:06:04 > 0:06:06and there's blood and guts and broken bones everywhere
0:06:06 > 0:06:09and you think "Well, at least it couldn't get any worse."
0:06:09 > 0:06:12And then that is when the hyenas come along and eat you up
0:06:12 > 0:06:14and you know what you end up being then, Errol?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Do you know what you end up being then?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Just a steaming pile of hyena shit. That's love.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22You want to lighten up, mate.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- Get some of that down you. - No, thanks.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26As your uncle, I command you.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- Uncle(!)- What's so funny about that?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31When's my birthday?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33June... J-Ju...
0:06:33 > 0:06:34March 2nd.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Fine! I'm no good with dates and details
0:06:36 > 0:06:38but I'm good at the big stuff.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39What's my middle name?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Come on. This one's easy.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Is it Errol?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45You think my name's Errol Errol?
0:06:45 > 0:06:46All right, fine.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48You think that I have shown
0:06:48 > 0:06:50a distinct lack of interest in your life up till now
0:06:50 > 0:06:51and you'll be right.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I find you incredibly tedious and dull.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55But what have you ever done that's interesting?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57That's the problem with kids today -
0:06:57 > 0:06:59they think everything they do is interesting.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01"Oh, look at me with my cool allergies
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"and my-my...wheelie backpack."
0:07:03 > 0:07:04What's interesting about that?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Nothing! I'm a musician. That's interesting.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10My dad says "musician" is just another word for "unemployed."
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Your dad's hardly an altar boy.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Do you even know how your parents met?
0:07:13 > 0:07:14They met through their dealer.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17His name was "Eclypse", if memory serves me correctly.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18What do you mean by "dealer?"
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- You know, drug dealer. - Like a pharmacist?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Yeah, like a pharmacist. Like a pharmacist who borrows your DVDs.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24MOBILE RINGS
0:07:24 > 0:07:26You can't answer while driving, it's illegal.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Hello?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Hey, how are my two favourite boys?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Yeah, we're getting on like a fucking house on fire.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Oh, that's great. Listen - little change of plan.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I thought I'd be done by now
0:07:37 > 0:07:39but I have a meeting with my professor.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42So, um, do you mind bringing Roly home after the game?
0:07:42 > 0:07:43TYRES SCREECH
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- Shit!- I know, I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you, I swear.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Yeah, that's absolutely great. Yes. Um, bye. Thank you.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Fucking hell!
0:07:55 > 0:07:56- Get out the car.- Hi.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01- That-that wasn't my fault... - Get out of the car now.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02It was his fault.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03What?! No, it wasn't!
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Yeah. He covered my eyes while I was driving. I couldn't see.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Kids, eh? Are you a family man? - Get out
0:08:10 > 0:08:12or I'll pull you out.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14OK, well...
0:08:14 > 0:08:17You take a couple of steps back and then I can get out the car
0:08:17 > 0:08:20and we can discuss this like a couple of civilised...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Oi!- Fuck off, you fuck-faced fuck!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Stop that car!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Fucking wanker!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I'm telling mum about this. She's going to kill you.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Yeah, not if I beat her to it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Come on! Someone get on him!
0:08:38 > 0:08:39That's it, take him! Take him!
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Nice dive, Tom Daley!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Boo! Save it for the Oscars!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Suck it up, you pussy!
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Oh, look, it's Wayne Puny!
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I've seen better ball handling from a priest!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Yellow card for time wasting!
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Red card for being shit!
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- We're not being too harsh, are we? - Nah, it's character building.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Which one's yours, then?
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Uh...that one.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- That's my little girl, Tiffany. - Isn't she something?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Yeah, she's certainly something.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Can I have some water, please? I'm really parched.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20What's this?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23"Ask a stranger for water day?" Get your own water!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I feel sorry for his parents.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Do you fancy a smoke?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Oh, no, my wife made me give up the ol' cigarettes.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36No. I mean like a "smoke".
0:09:36 > 0:09:38WHISTLE BLOWS
0:09:41 > 0:09:42This is exactly what I needed.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Happy to help.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Do you know what we are?
0:09:48 > 0:09:49- What?- We're the cool dads.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Yeah, that's what we are.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56It's Bruce, by the way.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58- Andy.- So, what do you do, Andy?
0:09:58 > 0:09:59I'm a musician.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02What? No way! Rock 'n' roll, man.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Have I heard anything of yours?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07You know the CottonCare toilet paper adverts?
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Yeah! With the giant stuffed bears having that pillow fight?
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Yeah, I wrote the jingle for that.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- That's cool.- Yeah, it is.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17What do you do?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I have the greatest job in the world.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21You're a porn star?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24All right, second greatest job.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25I'm a stay-at-home dad.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- So, Tiffany, she's yours then, is she?- Yep.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- That big blonde Viking girl over there is yours?- Yep.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- How does that work, then? - I'm her step-dad.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- But do you know why they call it a step-dad?- No, why?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Cos I'd step in front of a bus for that girl.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52I don't think I'd step in front of a slow-moving bike for anyone.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Oh, wheelie backpack, nice.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I've been thinking of getting Tiff one of these.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59PHONE RINGS
0:10:59 > 0:11:00It's Gwen!
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Hello? Gwen?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Gwen? Hello?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- What the fuck?- Hello, Gwen?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Uh... I've got to go.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Come on! Let's go. - But the game's not over.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Fine. I'll give you 20 quid.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Ah! My leg! It's broken.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22It's broken! I think it's my fibula!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Oh, no! Not your fibula!
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Weak fibulas run in our family.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28I better take you to a hospital.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Make way!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32He's deceptively heavy!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Get in!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Where are we? I thought you were taking me home.- Wait here.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- I'll be back in a few minutes. - Take me home or I'm telling Mum.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Fine. Tell her what you like.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- CRYING:- "Mummy!
0:11:53 > 0:11:57"Uncle Andy touched my special equipment."
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Special equipment?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01You twisted little... Fine, if you tell her that
0:12:01 > 0:12:04then I am going to show her this!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- That's not mine. - Yeah? It was in your bag.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- I was keeping it for a friend. Give it back.- No!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Well, you can tell your friend the lady parts don't go on the front
0:12:15 > 0:12:16like a coin slot,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18but asides from that, ten out of ten for accuracy.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Now, you wait here like a good little boy
0:12:21 > 0:12:22and I will give you that back.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- I hate you. - And I hate you too, munchkin.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Here you go. Brush up on your anatomy.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Happy birthday, mate.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Where do you think you're going?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Please let me in. My dad's in there.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Sorry, son. No kids allowed.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- Andy, what are you doing here?! - What am I doing here?
0:13:16 > 0:13:17You're the one who phoned me.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20That was a mistake. I was trying to delete your number.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- I call it a sign.- Yeah, a stop sign.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25We had a fun few months but it is over.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Is this because of the sex tape?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Look, I messed up but you understand, I was hammered.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Me and the boys were playing truth or dare.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33They dared me to put it online. They dared me!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35How did they even know about the tape?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Well, that was the truth question.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38It's not like you could see your face
0:13:38 > 0:13:41and it was hardly a flattering angle for me either, so...
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- God, I've missed you. - We're not back together, Andy.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- But we were great together.- Were we?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I mean, OK, the sex was...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52surprisingly good but I thought there'd be more to you.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Some secret layer of maturity hidden under all...that.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I'm mature. I watch the Culture Show.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Come on, Gwen.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01I love you.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06You need to leave before my dad sees you here.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I'm not going anywhere until you take me back.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10HE GRUNTS
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Come on, Gwen. Just give me one more chance.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14No. Look at you.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17You're just too irresponsible.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- Daddy!- Sorry. I had to let him in. That boy can cry.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Give me back my drawing.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Andy, is this your...son?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Y-yes, that's who he is.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30He's my son.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- What's your name, darling? - Romeo. His name's Romeo.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Isn't it? Romeo?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Do you mind if me and Romeo just go over here
0:14:37 > 0:14:39and have a little chat? Is that..? Yep, good.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42OK, I'm going to give you your drawing back,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45but you've got to promise me you're going to keep this "daddy" thing
0:14:45 > 0:14:47going for a little bit longer. Deal?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Deal.- What is Meatloaf Junior doing in my club?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53It's OK, Dad. Everything's under control.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Hello, Mr Pearson. You're looking lovely today as ever.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58She's too good for you, do you hear me?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- Please, not in front of my boy. - Dad! Let him go.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04You hurt my little girl and I will cut your dick off with a spoon.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- Do you understand?- Yes, I-I-I do.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Dick. Spoon.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- You OK?- Yep. Thank you.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Well, then...
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I think he's, uh,
0:15:21 > 0:15:22starting to like me.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I don't understand. I've been to your flat loads of times.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Where have you been hiding him?
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Well, every time that you'd come over
0:15:30 > 0:15:32I'd send him off to my sister's place.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Seemed like the responsible thing to do.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36But why didn't you just tell me?
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Who wants to go out with a single dad?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40All that responsibility. Cooking him meals,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42taking him to football practice
0:15:42 > 0:15:44and helping him with his homework,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46looking for monsters under his bed.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48It just seems like so much...
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- Responsibility?- Responsibility, yeah.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- What happened to his mum? - She died in childbirth.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- Shit.- Yep, his head was too big.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Ripped her apart like wet paper.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I had to stay strong for him, though. Didn't I, little guy?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01This explains so much.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I thought there was something weird,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05like you had half a personality or something,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08but I know now. You were hiding this huge thing.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10You thought I had half a personality?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12You must be bored listening to us adults talk.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Do you want to go in the office and watch some cartoons?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16He'd love that, wouldn't you, Romeo?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18No, I hate cartoons. They give me a headache.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21He's kidding. We watch South Park together all the time.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Isn't he a bit young for that?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- That's right. We watch it on mute. - I want more ice cream.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Why don't you finish what you've got there, champ?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- WHISPERING:- Get me another scoop or I'll spill the beans...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- ..Dad.- You two are so cute together.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38MOBILE RINGS
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I've got to take this.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Yes, what is it?
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Where are you?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Um, I am stuck in traffic right now.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50It looks like there's been an accident.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I'm probably going to be at least another hour.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Shit! You're joking. You have to be home by six.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Roly's Dad is calling. - Just tell him to call back later.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59If Roly misses his dad, it'll break his routine.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Have you ever seen a 12-year-old have an OCD meltdown?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03It's not pretty, Andy.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- Andy?!- Fine, I'll get him back on time.- Thank you.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Who was that?
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Just some mum trying to organise a play date.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Mums, eh?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Oh, is that the time? I better be going.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23You know, listening to you talk about being a dad...
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- It's actually pretty hot. - Yeah, I'd better go.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- Wait, what?- Yeah.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Tell me about it.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Well...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37..he's the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Does he make you want to be a better man?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Yes, he does. He makes me want to be Prime Minister.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Or, at the very least, the Mayor of London.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51You've had to sacrifice a lot for him, haven't you?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54So, so much. But it's all worth it.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57You know why?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Tell me.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Cos no matter what I do with the rest of my life,
0:18:02 > 0:18:06he is my greatest achievement.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12How's the ice cream?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13It's OK.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I prefer soy ice cream, though.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It's funny, you don't look like your dad.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20That's because the ugly gene is recessive.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I think we're going to get on.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- Why do you dress like that? - This is how I feel comfortable.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Don't you feel comfortable in what you're wearing?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28No, this school uniform gives me a rash,
0:18:28 > 0:18:29but I know what you mean, though.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33I have this pair of pyjamas that I like so much, I had my mum buy seven pairs of them,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35one for every day of the week.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Uh, I mean my dead mum.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37How did your parents meet?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Their pharmacist introduced them.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42His name was Eclypse.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43- Are you married?- No.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- I used to be. - To Gwen's mum?- Mmm-hmm.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Did she divorce you because you dress like a lady?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- You ask a lot of questions. - You skip a lot of questions.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53You ready to go, kiddo? In a bit of a hurry.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Where've you two been?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Just went outside for a smoke.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I love smoking.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Your fly's undone.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Can I have a word?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14It's not what you think. My flies are always coming undone
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- and I just think it's a manufacturing problem...- Shut up.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I know we've had our differences
0:19:20 > 0:19:24but I also know how hard it is being a single dad.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25And I have to respect you
0:19:25 > 0:19:28for the job you've done on your little kid.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30He's a good boy.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Maybe you're not the useless prick I thought you were.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36- Thank you.- Hmm.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41But you still hurt my little girl and I will rip your...
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Dickspoon. yeah, I got you. - All right.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- We have to go.- Do you really? We were having such a nice time.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Yeah, I know, but I've got to get this one to a piano lesson.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Haven't I, Maestro?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Don't touch me.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Boundary issues. When can I see you again?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Well, that depends.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02How committed are you to changing?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I'll show you how committed I am.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Gwen...
0:20:07 > 0:20:08..marry me.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I'm not his son!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- He paid me to say I was. - Don't listen to him.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14And my name's not Romeo, it's Errol!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16What sort of a stupid name is Errol?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18He's just angry his mum couldn't pick him up from school.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- You told me his mum was dead? - She is.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22That's part of the problem.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25DAAAAAD!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32# Gwen
0:20:32 > 0:20:35# Do you remember when
0:20:35 > 0:20:38# We were more than friends?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41# Do you remember when..?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45# Every time that you'd get cold
0:20:45 > 0:20:46# I'd put my coat around your shoulder
0:20:46 > 0:20:48# I'd pick you flowers in a bunch
0:20:48 > 0:20:50# And buy you tampons every month
0:20:50 > 0:20:51# I rubbed your shoulders when they hurt
0:20:51 > 0:20:53# I helped you finish your dessert
0:20:53 > 0:20:55# I flushed that spider down the bath
0:20:55 > 0:20:56# I punched my dick to make you laugh
0:20:56 > 0:20:58# I'd compliment you on your dress
0:20:58 > 0:21:00# I'd shut your mouth when you got stressed
0:21:00 > 0:21:01# I'd buy you drinks and get you drunk
0:21:01 > 0:21:03# I'd even clean up my own mess
0:21:03 > 0:21:04# Gwen!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07# Do you remember when
0:21:08 > 0:21:11# I was your best boyfriend?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13# Oh, take me back again
0:21:13 > 0:21:14# Oh, Gwen
0:21:14 > 0:21:16# Oh, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen
0:21:16 > 0:21:17# I took you on the Ferris wheel
0:21:17 > 0:21:19# I let you pay for half the meal
0:21:19 > 0:21:21# When you were looking very hard
0:21:21 > 0:21:22# I helped you find your credit card
0:21:22 > 0:21:24# I fixed your teapot that I broke
0:21:24 > 0:21:26# I tried to listen when you spoke
0:21:26 > 0:21:27# I said that I was in the wrong
0:21:27 > 0:21:29# And then I wrote this fucking song
0:21:29 > 0:21:31# Gwen!
0:21:31 > 0:21:34# I think I got the bends
0:21:34 > 0:21:37# Have there been other men?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40# Do you remember when..?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42# Oh, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen
0:21:42 > 0:21:44# Gwen!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47# It doesn't have to end
0:21:47 > 0:21:51# It's something we can mend
0:21:51 > 0:21:53# Do you remember when..?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56# Oh, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen #
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Can you take me home now?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- Make your own way home.- Hey!
0:22:04 > 0:22:05You can't just leave me!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Do you know what you've just done?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10You just ruined my last chance at happiness.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12But you lied to her.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13IN GRATING VOICE: "But you lied to her."
0:22:13 > 0:22:15So what?! Everyone lies.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16All the time. You lied.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18You lied about your leg, you lied about the drawing.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Do you want the truth?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21The truth is no-one's got any time for you.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Not your mum, not your dad and especially not me.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Why should I go out of my way to keep the Little Prince happy?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28You'll never be happy.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Do you know why? Because it's all about yourself.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31It's all "me-me-me-me".
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Shit. Roly!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47HORN HONKS
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Here they are! My two travellers, home at las...
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Oh, shit! What happened to your face?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Nothing. I just...
0:23:06 > 0:23:08..ran into a goal post.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Well, come in. Let me get you some ice.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14So, did you two have a good time?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Look, Sam...
0:23:16 > 0:23:19..before you hear it from Errol,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21you should probably hear it from me first...
0:23:21 > 0:23:22We had the best time ever!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Uncle Andy even took me for ice cream.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Did he? That was nice of him.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28PHONE RINGS
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Oh, quick. That'll be your dad. Get it.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- You'll never guess what. - What? You're pregnant again?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Fuck off. No, I've got this amazing professor.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39He gave me an "A" in my compulsive behaviours essay.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41He said it was incandescent.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Congratulations. He definitely wants to bang you.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Oh, God, I hope so, he's really, really fit.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Anyway, enough about me - what did you two talk about?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Oh, nothing. Women, football.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Uncle/nephew-type stuff.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02You know, you really saved my life today.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Well, you'd do the same for me, wouldn't you?
0:24:07 > 0:24:08So, now uni's started again,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10do you think you could help out with Roly once in a while?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- Yeah, if I'm still around. - Still around? Where are you going?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Nowhere. It's just a figure of speech, isn't it?
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Look, I'm going to give that back to you
0:24:17 > 0:24:20cos I don't really know what I'm doing with it.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21It's not really doing anything for me
0:24:21 > 0:24:23and I'm going to go.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Got a hot date?
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Yeah, something like that.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Oo-ooh!
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Thank you.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Yep. See you.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Andrew.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I prefer Andy, but what is it?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39No. That's my middle name -
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Andrew.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43I was named after my uncle.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Oh.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Do you think you can remember that?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Yeah... I'll give it a go.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54You still have my drawing, by the way.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56No, um...
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I gave that back to you at the club, remember?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00No, you didn't.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01You gave me this.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Then this must be yours,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- you little pervert.- Thank you.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- Were you really going to...- No.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21No.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22I was just messing around.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- You'll find someone else, you know. - Yeah?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Is your teacher available?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Thank you for picking me up.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- You're very welcome.- Here.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39That's all right.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- That's yours, you can keep that. You've earned it.- I know, but...
0:25:42 > 0:25:44if you're going to pick me up again,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47you're going to need to pay for someone to clean up your car.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- You're not going to get your car cleaned, are you?- No.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Mind the cracks.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28MUSIC: "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult
0:26:37 > 0:26:41# All our times have come
0:26:44 > 0:26:48# Here but now they're gone
0:26:50 > 0:26:53# Seasons don't fear the reaper
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain... #