0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains very strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# We were strapped in tight buying duty free
0:00:11 > 0:00:14# Till you said the words that you said to me
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# You said you got no love left in your heart
0:00:18 > 0:00:22# Then the turbulence tore our plane apart
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# Our engine's stalled as we tucked and braced
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# And we smashed back down to Earth... #
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Excuse me.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31- # No survivors... # - Excuse me
0:00:31 > 0:00:35- # No survivors. #- Excuse me, excuse me.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36MUSIC DIES
0:00:36 > 0:00:37# No survivors... #
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Excuse me. Hi. Can you play somewhere else, please?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Let me see. Somewhere Else, Somewhere Else.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I'm not really familiar with that one, but if you
0:00:44 > 0:00:47hum a couple of bars, I might be able to blag my way through it.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49No, I mean could you please leave?
0:00:49 > 0:00:50You're disturbing my customers.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Come on, mate, I'm just trying to express myself
0:00:53 > 0:00:55That's great. Can I see your busking licence?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Oh, I must have left it at home.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Oh, well, why don't I just call the police?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Why don't I just call your manager?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Yeah, I am the manager. And the owner.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06This is my coffee bar.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Oooh, it's a coffee bar!
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Next to the gastro pub and over the road from the laundrette...
0:01:12 > 0:01:13discotheque?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16That's clever, yeah - things have names.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Look, just clear off or I'm going to have to have you removed
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- and then it's awkward, so... - You see this?
0:01:22 > 0:01:23This represents integrity.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26And you see that coin in there? I earned that
0:01:26 > 0:01:28with my sweat and my blood.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31And it may not be much, but at least I'm not a soulless, lonely,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34talentless, money-grabbing, City boy.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37This soulless City boy donated a third of his income
0:01:37 > 0:01:39to charity last year.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40And I do get lonely sometimes.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44It's a good thing I've got my Swedish fiancee to keep me company.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48She's the Michelin-star pastry chef who baked all the organic cakes.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50And talentless... You can judge for yourself.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53My band, we're playing at the O2 Academy in Brixton on Saturday.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55You should come!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Yeah, well, that's not a very cool venue, is it?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- Because you're just so cool? - I might be. You don't know me.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Let me guess. You think today's music is meaningless
0:02:04 > 0:02:06and overproduced.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08And you wish you were back in the '70s, when music was real
0:02:08 > 0:02:10and had guts and integrity,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12but the fact is, they wouldn't have had you, then, either.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I mean, look at the state of you.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15You don't care about yourself,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17so how's anyone else meant to care about you?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20This whole young Joe Cocker thing you're selling - nobody's buying it.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23So you go home to your bong and your shitty vintage record
0:02:23 > 0:02:26collection that no-one else gives a shit about and you tell
0:02:26 > 0:02:29yourself that you're not famous, because nobody understands you.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32But really, people don't even want to listen to your music
0:02:32 > 0:02:34while they drink coffee.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36You're not even coffee music.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39You think that playing on the street for nothing is integrity,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42but really it's desperation.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43It's denial.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52No, because they agree with me.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Oh, I feel bad now. How much to make you go away nicely?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- Do you want a tenner? - You can't buy me. I'm an artist.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Oh, no, no, no. So, like, a 20?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07And 11.75 is your change, sir.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Do you wrap gifts?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- We're a chemist.- Is that a no, then?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- Gwen, wait, please- Go away or I'm going to call the police.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Look, I don't even want to talk.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I just came to give you this. No strings attached.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I'm not trying to get back together.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I just want to apologise for last time.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28The last time? You're going to have to be more specific.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Do you mean the time that you put our sex tape online?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Or the time you borrowed 300 quid for rent
0:03:32 > 0:03:33and then bought a Playstation?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Or I know, maybe the time you lied about having a son?
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Please, just take this and you'll never see me again.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42You wrapped it in tinfoil?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Thought it made it look futuristic.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46What's that smell?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49We're having brunch. It's what civilised people do on a Saturday.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- What you having?- Eggs Florentine.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Is that the one with the ham or the one with the spinach?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56What do you mean "we"?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- Who's he?- Go inside, babe.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- It's all right. He was just leaving. - I'll take care of this.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09You must be, Andy. I've heard a lot about you.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14Really? Because I've, literally, never heard a thing about you.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16You must be Gwen's new gay flatmate.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I'm Casper. Her new straight boyfriend.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24Boyfriend? You wish. She'd never go out with anyone called Casper.
0:04:24 > 0:04:29I hear you've been making her very unhappy and I can't have that.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I'd rather not discuss this with you...Casper.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36You know what you are, Andy?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39You're a fungus on the cock of life.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43And Doctor Casper is the cure.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Well...
0:04:45 > 0:04:50something tells me that you're not a real doctor, so...
0:04:50 > 0:04:55If I ever see you here again, I'll rape your soul.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58How does that sound?
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Uncomfortable.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Fetch, boy.
0:05:12 > 0:05:19# Happy people pass my way Looking in their eyes
0:05:19 > 0:05:25# I see a memory and never realised how happy you made me
0:05:25 > 0:05:33# Oh, Mandy, well, you came and you gave without taking
0:05:33 > 0:05:35# But I sent you away
0:05:35 > 0:05:42# Oh, Mandy, when you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
0:05:42 > 0:05:47# And I need you today Oh, Mandy. #
0:05:50 > 0:05:52KNOCK ON DOOR
0:05:52 > 0:05:54It's open! I'm in the bathroom.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Hey, Andy.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Hello. You're looking slutty.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Oh, thanks. As long as I don't look fat.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Oh, God, do I look fat?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Where are you going to? A Bunga Bunga party?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I'm having coffee with Ben.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12We're going to try and settle the custody battle
0:06:12 > 0:06:13before the judge has to.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17I thought a little cleavage couldn't hurt negotiations over Roly.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Speaking of which... where is the little mistake?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24What's wrong with him? I mean, aside from the obvious.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26He's sick. He was fine last night.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29It's a shame, he was looking forward to his friend's birthday party.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31He has friends?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Anyway, he shouldn't be any trouble.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Just check in on him once in a while. Make sure he's still alive.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I should be back in a couple of hours.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Help yourself to anything you need. Food, internet.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Vibrator collection?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45If you can find it, it's yours.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47You know, he asked about your music the other day.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- Wanted to know what it was like. - What did you say?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I said it was good.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52I lied.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Anyway, call me if you need anything.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15TV NEWS COMES ON
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Whoa, what are you doing?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19What does it look like? I'm watching the news.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20You're supposed to be in bed.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23What do you care? Did I interrupt you looking at porno?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25They just call it porn these days and, no, I wasn't doing that.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Are those hearts you've got on your pyjamas?
0:07:28 > 0:07:29No, they're flowers.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Oh, I do apologise. That's much better(!)
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Tell me something, what does this guy look like to you?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- If I tell you, can I watch TV?- Fine.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I don't know. He looks...cool.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51You do realise that's a bass guitar he's playing? A bass guitar.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53So?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56No, try again.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00All right! He looks like an idiot, a prat, a moron. Happy?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02How about a wanker? Does he look like a wanker?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I wouldn't go that far.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06You're not acting very sick.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I am. I really, really am.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13You're faking it, aren't you? I knew it, you're faking it!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- I'm not faking.- Tell me why you're faking it or I'll your mum.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- I just really don't want to go to this party.- Why not?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21No reason. I just don't like parties.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Oh, man. But parties are great. Free food, free booze.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Girls, drunk girls. What's not to like?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30You haven't lived until you've woken up in a stranger's garden,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a smile on your face.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Parties are where you learn the art of pointless banter.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Do you think I came out this charming? No. It was parties.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39If you don't learn to love parties,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42you'll end up being some wall-hugging, weird,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45no party guy and you'll never get laid. Is that what you want?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Is that what you want? No!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Get changed out of them Flower Power things
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and let's get you to a party!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Are you sure he's going to like this?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Trust me. He's going to love it.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- Shit, is that a Bentley? - Oh, yeah. His dad owns a dealership.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- He must have a tiny penis, then.- Why?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Bentley equals tiny knob. It's one of Newton's Laws.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Oh. Good thing my dad owns Porsche.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13DOORBELL
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Errol! Hi.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Your mummy told me you were too sick to make it.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19He's feeling a lot better. Aren't you, sailor?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Oh, good. I hope you're not contagious.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Wouldn't want anyone getting ill.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Just kidding.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- I'm Linda. Hi. - Andy. Errol's uncle.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31And you must be the birthday boy's sister?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34You're trying to butter me up and it's working! Come in.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Come in.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37This is for Alfie.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Oh, thank you. Look at that wrapping! Very original.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Oh, sorry, gents would you mind just popping off your shoesies for me.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Oh, look, who it is! Bruce and Tiffany.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Tiffany, you're getting so big.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I bet you just eat all your veggies.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56This is a little something for the big man.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- Wow. That's massive. - Not about the size, though, is it?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01It's all about the motion of the ocean.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- Claire couldn't make it? - No, she's having to work.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10You know her, burning the candle at both ends.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Don't worry, we know the shoe drill. - She's got you well-trained.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Right, kids. all the other children are through here.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18We've got a karaoke machine and everything.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Yeah, go party.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21You're not leaving me here, are you?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Nah, I'll be right here, waiting for you.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26And don't get too drunk!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28SHE LAUGHS
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Right, I'm off. What time do I have to pick up the little rascal?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Oh, you can stay if you like.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36We've got wine and nibbles in the kitchen for the grown ups.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I made a fondue.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Well, lucky for you, I'm very fond of fondue.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43We also have mini-burgers.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46You know how to talk dirty, don't you, Linda?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54So. It's Andy, right?
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Yeah. And you're Brian from football practice.
0:10:58 > 0:11:04- Bruce.- That's right. Bruce from football practice. Yes.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09So, last time we met, you lied about which kid was yours.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Oh, yeah. No, I was having a bit of fun.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16But I've met Errol's dad. You're not his dad.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Fuck, no. I'm his maternal uncle.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Ah, cool, Sam's big brother.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I'm four years younger.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32What's the MILF situation like around here?
0:11:32 > 0:11:37I wouldn't know. My wife's the only MILF I like to...ILF.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Um... thanks for the spliff last time.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- I was chilled out all day. - That's cool.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Donkey!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Hey, Tom.- Where's your sexier half?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- She had to work.- On a Saturday?
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Careful, Donkey, you sure she isn't getting a leg over?!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59This is Andy, Errol's Uncle.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Oh, Errol? My condolences.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Joking! Good to meet you, Andy. I'm Tom, Alfie's Dad.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08- Andy is a musician. - Oh, yeah? Andy the musician.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- I've heard of you.- Really?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Yeah, aren't you in that band? What is it? No Direction!
0:12:13 > 0:12:14HE LAUGHS
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Come on, that was a good one, Donkey. I'm only joking.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19What kind of music do you play?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Well, it's, sort of, a combination of...
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Hold that thought. I need to spend a penny. Here you go.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28And don't drink any, I've got my eye on you, Donkey.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Why does that prick keep calling you Donkey?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Is it because of your, erm...
0:12:32 > 0:12:36No. He thinks I look like the donkey from Shrek.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Does he mean Eddie Murphy or the actual donkey?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I don't know. I never asked.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47# Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh. #
0:12:47 > 0:12:49You think we should go say "hi?"
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I mean, it's the polite thing to do, isn't it?
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Whoo, that was brilliant! Give them a round of applause, everyone!
0:12:56 > 0:12:57All right, wish me luck.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Hi, Alfie.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06Happy 12th birthday, you don't look a day over 11.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- What?- Nothing.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Why are you even here, tosspot? - You invited me.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18My mum invited you. And now you're crapping up my party.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21OK, good chatting.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Think he was, erm... pleased to see me.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I mean you're not just going to let him
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- get away with calling you that are you?- It's fine.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35It's just a nickname.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I think old Linda's got a thing for me.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41She keeps staring at me from over there, with her stripper eyes.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Did you see that we have paper plates?- Thanks. I'm good.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Do you want me to say something to him? I can say something.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Please don't. Honestly doesn't bother me.- What doesn't bother you?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Ee-aw! Donkey alert.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- What did I miss? - We were just talking about...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- Football!- Plates!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Nicknames are stupid, aren't they?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Ha-ha, yeah, like Everton. I mean, come on, "The Toffees?"
0:14:03 > 0:14:05No-one's afraid of toffee.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Andy, where did you get that mug?
0:14:07 > 0:14:08I dunno. A cupboard?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I've put out all these nice wine glasses for the wine.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Yeah. I know but wine glasses don't really suit me.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15I mean, look at this.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19It's just that that's Tom's special mug.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Oh, I'm sorry. Here you go.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Don't give him a hard time, babe. It's an honest mistake.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Right, Andy?- Right.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Hey, do you guys want to see something cool?
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Uh, afternoon, lads. I see you went with the burger.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42A fine choice.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- Aren't you embarrassed? - Embarrassed? No. Why should I be?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Because you pissed your pants. - Uh, no, I didn't.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Uh, yes, you did.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Piss pants!
0:14:55 > 0:15:00ALL: Piss pants, piss pants, piss pants, piss pants!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Congratulations, gentlemen,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05you currently find yourselves in the presence of a masterpiece.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07If Vinny van Gogh made this car, he would have cut both ears off.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10This wasn't manufactured, it was moulded.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13No detail's been spared. Natural wood veneers,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16a sumptuous leather interior, handpicked from herds
0:15:16 > 0:15:20in cooler climes, just to ensure a smoother hide.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23If the exhaust pipe wasn't so small, I would fuck it.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26THEY LAUGH
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I think I'd still prefer a Rolls-Royce.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33I'm kidding.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I've just realised who you look like.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- That big one off Monsters Inc. - Yeah, no, not really.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Yes, you do. Doesn't he, Donkey?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Guys? Doesn't he look like that hairy one from Monsters Inc?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- Yeah! What's his name?- Stanley.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- Yeah, Stanley.- It's Sulley.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Sulley? Are you sure? - Of course he's sure, it's his name!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54THE MEN LAUGH
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Come on, show us your scary face, Monsters Inc.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04There we go!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14All right, I "partied." Now, can we go?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Now? Linda's just made pigs in a blanket.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Wait, why are you holding your jumper like that?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21It makes you look like you've pissed yourself.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22You've pissed yourself.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- No.- Alfie threw apple juice on my trousers Why would he do that?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28To make it look like I've pissed myself. And because he's a bully.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30See, this is why I didn't want to come!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33'You don't care about yourself
0:16:33 > 0:16:35'so how's anyone else meant to care about you, eh?'
0:16:35 > 0:16:37'You're like a fungus on the cock...'
0:16:37 > 0:16:39'Show us your scary face, Monsters Inc.'
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Look, what do you want to do more than anything else when you grow up?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- I want to be an actuary.- Cool.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- You don't know what an actuary is, do you?- No.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51But I know that, if we leave now, you'll get bullied
0:16:51 > 0:16:52for the rest of your life.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54You'll get a shit job, with shit friends.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56You'll marry an ugly woman and you'll buy a shit house
0:16:56 > 0:16:58and you're going to have ugly kids in it.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59I don't want ugly children!
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Right, so why don't you end the cycle right now and go in there
0:17:02 > 0:17:03and show Alfie that you don't care?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06And who knows? Maybe, one day, you'll be a hot shot actuary,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08with a gorgeous Swedish fiancee.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11OK, I want to go back in there, but my trousers are wet.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14At least you've got trousers. Think of them African kids.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16All they've got is Coca-Cola T-shirts and sandals.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Now, go in there and show them what a real actuary's made of.- I'm going.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28Hi, Alfie. I just wanted to say, no hard feelings about before.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- Can I ask you something, Errol? - Yeah, sure. I love questions.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- Are you a lesbian? - Um, yes. I'm a lesbian.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Ha! He's a lesbian! I knew it!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Of course I'm a lesbian, aren't you?- Yuck, no.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Cos lesbian means you fancy girls. I guess you don't fancy girls, then?
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Shut up, lesbo. I bet you caught lesbian disease from your mum.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- Don't talk about my mum.- Why not?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- Everyone knows she's a druggie slut.- Take that back.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- Make me.- Leave him alone.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56What are you going to do about it?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Are you two going to kiss and have lesbian babies?
0:18:05 > 0:18:09No way! Andy King?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Shelley Asher...from sixth form. We had jazz choir together.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Shelley, wow, yeah.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15What are you doing here?
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Nothing. I'm just...keeping an eye on my nephew. What about you?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Just working. Professional party entertainer.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24It's no West End, but it pays the bills.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Oh, yeah, that's great.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28This is so weird seeing you here. What have you been up to?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I remember you used to be this amazing musician.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Everybody was always, like, "That Andy, yeah,
0:18:32 > 0:18:33"he's going to be proper famous."
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, things are going well.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I've done some music for some adverts. Corporate sell-out, I know.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- Good money, though. - Yeah, and I'm working on an album.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Oh, amazing.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Yeah, been gigging a lot. Working my way up, slowly but surely.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52But got to think of the long game.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57I did a gig recently at a swanky coffee bar.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Oh, I am so jealous.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Tell me the next time you're going to do a show.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- I'd love to come and see you. - I will. I will.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09You know, I used to have this massive crush on you at school.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Really?- Yeah. I remember I even changed classes,
0:19:12 > 0:19:13cos I knew you were going to be in it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Proper little stalker, I was. - That was back when I was skinny.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21Yeah. So...is there a Mrs Andy King?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23No. No.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I mean, I had a girlfriend, but we've split up.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- Oh? Sorry.- Oh, don't be sorry. I had to get rid of her.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32She was a level-ten clinger, if you know what I mean. So...
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Monsters Inc!
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Are you scaring this young lady?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42No. Not at all.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Doesn't he look like the hairy one from Monsters Inc?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Maybe in the huggable teddy bear, kind of, way. Yeah.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Do you watch any films that aren't rated U?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55When you have kids, if you have kids,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58you'll understand the sacrifices that must be made.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- What's your cartoon nickname? - What do you call me, boys?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- ALL: Buzz! - That's Mr Lightyear to you!
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- What's so funny?- Nothing.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11It's just that Buzz Lightyear thinks he's cool, but really,
0:20:11 > 0:20:15everyone makes fun of him behind his back, cos he's a delusional dick.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19What are you trying to say?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Nothing, Mr Lightyear.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24You think people laugh at me behind my back? What about you?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27You're a musician nobody's heard of.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31That's like being a car with no wheels.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Going nowhere.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34That's not true. He's recorded an album.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Yeah? Sing us a song from it, Monsters Inc.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42- I don't have my guitar. - Come on, you're a guest at my house.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46I'm asking you nicely to sing one of your beautiful songs.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Well?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53your audience awaits.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I'm joking.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00You should've seen your face!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Seriously, Monsters Inc, you're supposed to be the scary one.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11- I better get back to work.- Yeah.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I...I don't have my guitar.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21There you are. There's been a little accident with Errol. He's fine.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23He just fallen and bumped his nose.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25There's some blood on the carpet.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27But not to worry, that's what stain guard's for, right?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Also, I think he might have wet himself.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Anyway, he's asking for you. Right, better get on with the cake!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Come with me.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Oi, shithead. Apologise to him. - Who are you?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48I'm his uncle. Now apologise.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52No. He's a loser. I can see where he gets it from.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- You know what you need? - A better view?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Ha-ha. No. If I were your parent, I'd slap you handsome.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Yeah, well, you can't hit me.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02I'm a child.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05No, you're right. I can't.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08But he can.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Now, we've got to go.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Come on! You can do that later.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I'm not walking on the street without shoes.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Double knots? Seriously?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31It's rude to leave without saying goodbye.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37We're not leaving. We're just...going out for a smoke.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- You hit my boy. - Your boy hit my nephew.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44- What? You mean Ratatouille? - Don't call me that, you wanker.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46What did Ratatouille just call me?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Don't talk to my dad that way, piss pants!
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Don't get in my nephew's face, the...fat kid from Up!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- You...- Tom!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57What's this about Alfie trying to punch my daughter?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Is that true, Alfie? Did you take a swing at Shrek?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02No! She's lying.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Whoa, wait. You call my little girl...Shrek?
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Yeah, Shrek and Donkey - the dynamic duo!
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- Wow, that felt good. - Nice work. Let's go!
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Tiff!?
0:23:25 > 0:23:29This isn't over. We'll press charges.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Shut up, Tom.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Dad, we can still catch them, if we take the Bentley.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Motherfucking Monsters Inc!
0:23:41 > 0:23:46# Fall is here Hear the yell back to school
0:23:46 > 0:23:50# Ring the bell Brand-new shoes, walking blues
0:23:50 > 0:23:53# Climb the fence, books and pens
0:23:53 > 0:23:57# I can tell that we are gonna be friends
0:23:57 > 0:24:01# I can tell that we are gonna be friends
0:24:04 > 0:24:07# We clean up and now it's time to learn. #
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Here she is.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26How did it go?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29He wants Roly every two weeks and every weekend.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Is that bad?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32It's bullshit. Weekends are the best part of childhood.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36That's when you get to go on roller coasters and visit aquariums.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Why should he get all the fun stuff?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41See, if I was still using, I would have slept with him
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- and I would have gotten my way. - That's your takeaway from all this?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46That and don't buy bras off the internet.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50How's Roly?
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Been fast asleep the whole time.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- Hasn't made a peep. - What have you been up to?
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Just chilling. Internetting and stuff.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Who's that guy?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- No-one. Just a friend of a friend. - Looks like a bell-end.
0:25:08 > 0:25:14Well, I better check on the little curse before I'm off.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17You're really enjoying this, aren't you, the whole uncle thing?
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- It's better than herpes. - You would know.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Andy, wait.- Yep.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Alfie's mum called. She told me everything.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30I never liked the bitch, anyway.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44It's me, you little faker.
0:25:47 > 0:25:53Look... I'm sorry I made you go to that party.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56It's fine. I think I actually enjoyed myself
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Really?
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Yeah, and I think I learnt something important, too.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- Like what? - Sometimes... it's OK to hit people.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Good night, piss pants.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Wait.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Can you sing me one of your songs?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Nah, you don't want to hear one of them
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- Why not? Are you bad?- No.
0:26:18 > 0:26:24I just don't have my guitar and it's probably not your sort of thing.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Try me.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39# There's an impact crater sitting in my heart
0:26:39 > 0:26:43# From the time that we crashed and blew our love apart
0:26:43 > 0:26:46# The fire that we shared burned hot and fast
0:26:46 > 0:26:49# I thought they'd never put it out
0:26:49 > 0:26:53# No survivors
0:26:53 > 0:26:57# No survivors
0:26:57 > 0:27:00# No survivors
0:27:00 > 0:27:04# No survivors
0:27:04 > 0:27:08# No survivors
0:27:08 > 0:27:11# No survivors
0:27:11 > 0:27:14# No survivors
0:27:14 > 0:27:18# No survivors
0:27:18 > 0:27:22# No survivors
0:27:22 > 0:27:25# No survivors
0:27:25 > 0:27:29# No survivors
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# No survivors
0:27:32 > 0:27:39# No, no, no, no survivors. #