0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08PHONE RINGS
0:00:08 > 0:00:10What? I'm busy.
0:00:10 > 0:00:11I'm dying.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Shit.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15What is it, a brain tumour?
0:00:15 > 0:00:17I mean, you did do a lot of drugs.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18No! I'm dying of shame!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20'Roly...' SHE SIGHS
0:00:20 > 0:00:24- ..caught me doing things to myself. - What, like shaving your legs?
0:00:24 > 0:00:25- Higher up.- Armpits?
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Masturbating, Andy! He caught me masturbating!
0:00:28 > 0:00:29- Oh, shit.- 'I know.'
0:00:29 > 0:00:31I told him I was just having a bad dream.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34It's like that time I caught you in the shower making a soap sandwich.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- I was washing my privates! - With two bars?- Why are you calling?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40I don't know how much he saw but now I'm in my room and he's in his room
0:00:40 > 0:00:43and it's half-term so I don't have anywhere to send him.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Just send him to the cinema or something.- By himself?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Maybe he'll meet a nice man with a big bag of sweets.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Oh, shit, I've got to go, bye!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Please don't kill me!
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Why are you doing outside my club stalking my daughter?
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Pfff, I'm not... I'm not stalking.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I'm just... This is where my car broke down.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Really? Try starting the engine.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Yeah...
0:01:13 > 0:01:16ENGINE STARTS
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Wow, thank you.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I thought I made it very clear what would happen if I saw you again.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I'm not here to see Gwen. Look.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32You want to play in the battle of the bands. MY battle of the bands?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- No chance.- Why not? I'm a good musician.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37You haven't heard me but I'm good.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I know you think this is all about Gwen but it's not.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I'm just looking for someone to give me a break.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Oh, I'll give you a break. - I swear I won't talk to Gwen.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49I won't even look at her. I just want to perform.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51In a gay club?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53I cried during Brokeback Mountain.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56It's called 'Battle of the Bands.' You don't even have a band.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Well, if I can get a band together in the next three days,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02will you let me play?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04IF you can get a band, I'll see.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Thanks, Mr Pearson.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09The name's Val.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- Now, fuck off. - Yes, sir. Ma'am. Val.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15And thank you for fixing the car.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- What a load off.- Fuck off.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Hello. I would like to book a rehearsal room for tomorrow, please,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27for I am starting a band.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30The small room's available three till five.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Excellent. Can you just put it under 'Andy King', please?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- That'll be £30 on the day.- £30?!
0:02:35 > 0:02:40- Do you want me to cross you off? - No. I want you to cross me on.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Because £30 is what I'm going to be paying.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14PHONE RINGS
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- What?! - Can you watch Roly tomorrow?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21No, I'm mega busy.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- Got auditions all day for my new band.- Great. He loves music.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Remember? He's taking piano. He won't be any trouble. Oh, please?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- I have a date.- Who are you going on a date with?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- Some guy I met online.- Online?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It's your funeral. I mean, literally.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35After he kills you and stuffs you in his boot.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38What do you want me to do? I'm 35, I'm in recovery,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I can't do bars and I have a kid, so, yes, I met a guy on the internet
0:03:41 > 0:03:43and hopefully I won't get raped and murdered.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Now, may I please leave Roly with you tomorrow?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Thank you.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51DOORBELL RINGS
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- You weren't still sleeping, were you?- No.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- Why is your hair in a bun? - Do you like it? I think it makes me look smarter.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- What do you think?- I think you're going to need a bigger bun.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Ah! Shit.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Listen, will you talk to Roly for me? He's being a bit weird.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11I think it's probably about the lady wank. Be subtle about it, though.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Bye, treasure!
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- This place is disgusting. - Whatever. Why are you being weird?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18I'm not being weird.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Don't touch that.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Is it because you saw your mum...never mind.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Don't touch those.- Who's that?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30How about a breath of fresh air?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I'm freezing. Can we go?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- I'm trying to make 30 quid to pay for the audition space.- £30!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43We're going to be here forever! Why are you starting a band anyway?
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Cos of this.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- "Battle of the Bands?"- Yeah.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50First prize is one month as the house band at Cox.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53And do you know what that means? That means one month with Gwen.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Why do you want to get back with her? She doesn't even like you.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57It's called sexual tension.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Maybe one day when you're in love you'll understand.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- Give me your jacket. - Why?- Just give it.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Hold that.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15HE COUGHS
0:05:31 > 0:05:37PROFICIENT BLUES GUITAR SOLOING
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Thank you, Tyler.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46We'll be in touch.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- I thought he was good.- Yeah, he was amazing, with beautiful lips.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I'm not having that in my band. Someone else will come along,
0:05:56 > 0:05:58hopefully a humpback with a dodgy eye.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05OUT OF TIME DRUMMING
0:06:05 > 0:06:08OUT OF TUNE SINGING
0:06:09 > 0:06:12CACOPHONOUS, SLUDGY ROCK MUSIC
0:06:14 > 0:06:17HE PLAYS A PEDESTRIAN DRUM PATTERN
0:06:17 > 0:06:20OUT OF TIME, MONOTONE BASS GUITAR
0:06:20 > 0:06:23UNINSPIRED SOLOING
0:06:30 > 0:06:31I know!
0:06:33 > 0:06:38DISTANT PIANO MUSIC
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Oh, sorry.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Where did you learn to play like that?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I don't know. I've had a few lessons.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Your mum said. I figured you were going to be shit like all the other little kids.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Can you play anything else?
0:07:03 > 0:07:09HE PLAYS THE OPENING CHORDS TO 'VIVA LA VIDA' BY COLDPLAY
0:07:09 > 0:07:14Errol, how would you like to be in my band?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Would I need a humpback and a dodgy eye?- No.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- Think about it, I could be Jim Morrison to your Ray Manzarek.- Who?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20He was the nerdy keyboardist in The Doors.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- I don't want to be the nerdy one. - I think you're missing the point.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26EVERYBODY got laid in The Doors.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- Chicks love musicians.- Really?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31How do you know if a girl likes you?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32I think you've just got to, you know...
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Why are you asking about girls all of a sudden?- No reason.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40You're in love. That's why you've been acting so weird lately!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- I'm not being weird! - Who is she, you little pervert?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- Her name's Ruby.- Ruby.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47And have you asked the little jewel out on a date?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48She doesn't know I exist.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Well, then, why don't you join my band
0:07:52 > 0:07:56and then I can help you win the girl?
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Do we have a deal?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Just shake once.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06BELL RINGS
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Hey! How was the big date?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Wellllll....
0:08:10 > 0:08:13What's something you'd be embarrassed to tell a stranger?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I never know which way to put the cutlery in the dishwasher.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Facing up gets it cleaner
0:08:17 > 0:08:20but it seems really dangerous with the knives up like that.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21What about you?
0:08:21 > 0:08:22I like when ladies poo on me.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25He was a bit boring.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Great! Listen, I've got some free time this week.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Why don't you leave him with me for a couple of days?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Go on some more dates and try and find that Mr Right that you've been looking for.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Why are you being nice?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Sam! You've always been there for me.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Let me do this for you.- Yeah, you deserve some time to yourself.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43You've been under a lot of stress lately.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48There you have it, the most dangerous animal in the jungle.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49The female human.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51One minute she can take you to the heights of ecstasy,
0:08:51 > 0:08:55and the next she can shatter your soul with a single glance.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Pervert!- Morning, ladies!
0:08:58 > 0:09:01So tell me about this Ruby. What is she out of 10?
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- She's a 10!- All right, now bear in mind you've got to stay within a three point spread.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07For instance, a two can never go out with an eight.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- That would be suicide. - So, what am I?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Well, you're skinny but you've got nice hair and no hideous deformities.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16So, I'm going to go out on a limb and give you a 6 1/2.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17But I reckon, with a bit of styling,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- we can probably get you up to a 7. - What are you?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Some people are immune to the whole scoring system altogether.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Mega rich bastards, athletes, talented musicians.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30Present company included. Now, jokes. Women love good jokes.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32For instance, why do blondes wear knickers?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- Why?- To keep their ankles warm.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- I don't get it.- Trust me, it's hilarious.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Now, what jokes have you got?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- What's the bare minimum?- I don't know, what's the bare minimum?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42One bear.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45We'll work on the jokes.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Right, now let's practise asking a girl out.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49I'll be a girl. You ask me out.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Erm...hi.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55"Erm...hi"? Seriously? Your opening line is the most important thing
0:09:55 > 0:09:57you'll ever say to a girl. If you can't think of anything funny,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59give her a compliment, buy her a drink.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Be charming. Be charismatic. Be mysterious.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06- Can't I just be myself?- No! Are you crazy? Never be yourself.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07Now try again.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Excuse me. You have very nice...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- ..sideburns.- No! OK, fine, OK.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Right, we'll swap back over. You be the girl. I'll be the man.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Hello, my name's Andy. What's your name?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:- My name's Penelope Jenkins.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Hello, Penelope. You've got very nice eyes.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Thank you. I got them from my mother. She was a Russian ballerina.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Tell me three things you like, Penelope.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I like sushi, fruit bats and long car rides.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Do you like waking up with no regrets and a man that knows how to hold you?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- You've used that line? - I used it on Gwen.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40That worked out well(!)
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes. Will you go out with me?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes. Will you go out with me?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes. Will you go out with me?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Oh, hey, Errol. What are you doing here?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02I...erm...
0:11:04 > 0:11:06..have nice eyes?
0:11:06 > 0:11:07What?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15That bad, huh?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Sign us up. This is my band.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- There's only two of you.- So? Anything more than one is a band in my book.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26We're not reading from your book, are we?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Two people's a duo - it's not a band.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31You know who'd care to disagree? The White Stripes, The Black Keys,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- The Proclaimers, Heart... - Heart's a five-piece.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36The Kills, Suicide, Simon and Garfunkel.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Ant and Dec!- And of course my personal favourite, The Carpenters.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41You love The Carpenters, don't you?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Yes, OK. But one of your band members is a minor.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48The flyer doesn't say anything about minors.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- It's not like he's cruising for gay hook-ups, are you?- No.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54If you don't let him perform, based solely on his age,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56do you know what that is? That is...
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Age discrimination. - ..age discrimination.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01And discrimination... Well...
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- that's bad.- Oh, my God! What is he doing here?!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I've got this, baby. You go get lunch.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09So, has he talked you into this, little man?
0:12:09 > 0:12:14No, sir...miss. I just wanted to be in a band to impress chicks.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I was in a band when I was your age. I also did it to impress chicks.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Is there a special girl you're trying to impress?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- Ruby.- Ahh, Ruby. That's a pretty name.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Have you tried writing her a song?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30DOORBELL RINGS
0:12:30 > 0:12:34# When I think about you You make my chest feel all tight
0:12:34 > 0:12:38# I have to shake my inhaler Suck with all of my might
0:12:38 > 0:12:42# I see you walk down the hall I don't think you see me
0:12:42 > 0:12:46# I cannot focus in science You give me ADHD
0:12:46 > 0:12:50# I feel my temperature rise I see my grades start to drop
0:12:50 > 0:12:54# I'm near the bottom of class I used to be near the top
0:12:54 > 0:12:58# You make me sick in my mouth You make me come out in hives
0:12:58 > 0:13:03# You put my stomach in knots I have to loosen my tie, tie, tie
0:13:03 > 0:13:11# I don't like you I like, like you
0:13:11 > 0:13:19# I don't like you I like, like you
0:13:20 > 0:13:24# I'll walk you home after school I'll walk you right to your house
0:13:24 > 0:13:28# I'd like to give you a kiss But not a kiss on the mouth
0:13:28 > 0:13:32# I'll take you out on a date I'll meet you out by the gym
0:13:32 > 0:13:37# And I should probably say This song was written by him
0:13:38 > 0:13:42# I'll save you space in the queue I'll give you answers in maths
0:13:42 > 0:13:46# I'll take you out to the zoo Will you sit by me in class?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50# It's everything that you say It's everything that you do
0:13:50 > 0:13:57# I don't just like you a bit I like, like, like you, you, you. #
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Today, you have become a man, my pale little friend,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10and I am one step closer to going back out with Gwen.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14What's the matter? You don't like your milk? Wait, let me guess.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You're lactose intolerant?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18No. I mean, yeah, but it's not that.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20It's just...what am I going to talk to her about?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Relax. You don't need to talk to her about anything.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Just ask her lots of questions, and you'll be fine.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26You'll be there to help, right?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I hadn't really planned on wingmanning a 12-year-old.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32What? You have to be there. I can't do it on my own.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Yeah, you can. You don't need me.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38If you don't come, I'll quit the band.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Fine. You win, brat.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43DOORBELL RINGS
0:14:43 > 0:14:48That's it. I'm done. It's a horror show out there.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I'd rather burn alive than go on another date.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52The last one was going great until his wife shows up.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Turns out they're swingers. - What are they?
0:14:55 > 0:14:56They're like acrobats, darling.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Yeah, that really like playing with lots of other acrobats.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Just promise me that you'll never grow up and never get married.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- Relationships are evil.- Erm...OK.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- So what did you two get up to today? - We formed a band. Me and Roly.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- Shut up!- No, we did. Our first gig is tomorrow night.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13- No way!- Way!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16No, no, seriously. No way. Roly's with his dad tomorrow night.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19It's his weekend.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21KNOCKING ON DOOR It's open!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Hey, Andy. You hungry?
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- Nah...I'm all right. - Come on, I've made way too much.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Nah, I'm...on a diet.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Yeah? And I'm holding a big fuck-off knife.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51This is really good.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Thanks, man.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Nice apartment, too, innit?
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Yeah. So, Sam tells me you've been helping out with Roly.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Yeah, here and there.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Be honest, does she hate my guts with the whole custody thing?- Nah.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Come on, I can take it.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Yeah, she hates your fucking guts.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I can't blame her. You know, I'm actually proud of her.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Getting herself clean, going back to uni.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15She's really turned her life around.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- How do you find Roly? - Yeah, good.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Little ladies' man is what he is. Every week, he's telling me
0:16:20 > 0:16:23about some new girl at school. Gets it from his old man.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- Yeah.- Don't ever get divorced, Andy.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28It turns people ugly. I mean, I can eat a lot of shit,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30but when it comes to my boy, it's all about two words.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Peanut allergy.- No compromise.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I will never compromise with him. Ever.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38But I want you to know, I'm not out to hurt Sam.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I'm just want to do what's right for the Rolster.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- You understand, don't you? - Definitely, yeah.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- Good. Now, can I ask you something? - Yes.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49What the fuck are you doing here?!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I don't know if you remember, but we were never exactly mates.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- What did you used to call me? - Ben? Just...Ben.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Yeah, that's what you called me to my face. But what did you call me behind my back?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Ben...Ben...Ben...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- Bendy dick.- Bendy dick. That's right.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Your sister and her big mouth. I bet she never told you why it bends?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I was in a BMX accident when I was eight.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13And loads of famous people have got bendy dicks. Bill Clinton!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15He was the leader of the free world, he's got a bendy dick.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18George Clooney probably has a bendy dick.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22You must have some serious shit to say to me to turn up like this
0:17:22 > 0:17:23out of nowhere.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29I just wanted to ask if I could take Errol to a concert tomorrow night?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Why would I let you do that? Friday's my night.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35I know, "no compromise", but he really wants to go.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39I'm just trying to look out for the little guy, just like you.
0:17:39 > 0:17:45OK. I'll let you take Errol to the concert if you kiss my feet,
0:17:45 > 0:17:47and say I have a beautiful dick.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50I'm totally serious.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54If taking my son away from me is this important to you, I have to see it.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Both feet.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Now say it.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27- (You have a beautiful...)- Can't hear you.- You have a beautiful dick!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- What's so funny? - Errol called before you came.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I already gave permission.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I...like your tie.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Oh, thanks. Yeah, it's not a clip-on.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49So, Ruby, do you like listening to music?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Yeah. - What sort of bands do you like?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I don't know, like One Direction.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58No way. That's Errol's favourite band, isn't it, Errol?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Really?- Erm...yeah.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Who's your favourite member? Mine's Zayn.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Yeah, me too. - No way!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12'And I have all their singles.'
0:19:12 > 0:19:13I've signed up for their fan club,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16but I haven't been in it as long as my friend, Clara.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18She's always on about how she's loved them since X Factor.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- What's your favourite song? - It's...erm... Dah-dah-dat-dah-duh...
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Oh, yeah! Little Things. That's my third favourite.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28You guys sit down. I'll be right back. My treat.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30One free Family Feast to stay in, por favor.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- Oh, hello.- Oh, hi.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- You are Errol's teacher, Melodie. - Good memory.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42I never forget a pretty name.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- What are you doing in here? - Oh, I just live around the corner.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48No, you shouldn't have told me that. Could be a stalker.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49I'm not a stalker.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51That's the sort of thing a stalker would say.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52I'm going to stop talking now.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55You never know, cos I could be stalking you.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I would like a stalker.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Because I don't own a dog, so I could use the company.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- What are you doing here?- I am chaperoning Errol on his first date.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Oh, he's on a date with Ruby?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10He's wearing a suit. He's such a little gentleman.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I think he looks like a Jehovah's Witness.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15OK, one Family Feast to eat in. One Family Feast to take away.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18You're having a Family Feast? Are you expecting company?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Yeah. It's not like I'm going back to my flat
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and eat a pile of fried chicken alone with my two cats.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25That would be sad.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Well, it was good seeing you.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Why don't you come over and say hello?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I'm sure Errol would love to see you.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Look who I found!
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Oh, hi, Miss Thomas.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Hi, guys. Are you enjoying your half term?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I've already done the holiday reading you gave us.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Errol and I have formed a band.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Oh, cool. What kind of music do you play?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- The awesome kind. - I play the keyboards.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Just like Louis!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51We've got a gig tonight at Cox. You should come along.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Isn't that a gay club? - Not when I'm there.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Is it true you know Harry from One Direction?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Errol said you taught him guitar.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Yes, that's true. I taught him everything he knows.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Well, I have to admit, I have a bit of crush on him.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Dirty old lady.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Not that you're old...or dirty... I mean, she's old.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- You're quite clean. - Oh, I really should get going.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Clean young lady! - It was good seeing you all.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Are you going to come to that gig tonight?- I'll try.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I might have a thing but...maybe. Yeah. Maybe.
0:21:22 > 0:21:27- Bye, Miss Thomas. She's pretty. - Yeah, I'd give her a seven.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- I'm really glad you asked me out. - Really?- Yeah!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Now, I have someone to talk about One Direction with.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- It's like having another girlfriend. - Girlfriend? What do you mean?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37You're the only boy I know who likes One Direction.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- I've always wanted a gay friend. - Wait a minute, I'm not gay.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44It's OK. I don't mind. I love Alan Carr.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46You don't understand.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I only said I liked One Direction because you like them.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51But really, I hate them. I think they're awful
0:21:51 > 0:21:53and I think their music's awful.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00So, when's the second date?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Never. She thought I was gay!
0:22:03 > 0:22:07You told her I like One Direction, and then she thought I was gay.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11So, I told her I hate One Direction and now she hates me!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Does she think I'M gay? - Who cares? This is all your fault!
0:22:14 > 0:22:17My fault? I didn't want to come out on your stupid toddler date
0:22:17 > 0:22:19in the first place. It's not my problem you struck out.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21That's it! I quit the band.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- Hey, shithead.- I lost Errol.- What?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36He just ran off. I've been driving around everywhere looking for him, but I can't find him.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39And someone's probably kidnapped him and it'll be all over the news,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42and they'll use a photo of me,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44and people will see that photo and they'll say,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47"Yeah, the uncle definitely did it. Just look at him."
0:22:47 > 0:22:50But I didn't kill him, I didn't do that.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Andy, shut up. Errol's here.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54He got home a few minutes ago. He took the bus.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59He's locked himself in the bathroom.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Hey, mate?
0:23:09 > 0:23:14Errol, I know you're mad at me.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I deserve it, all right?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I get it.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19It's just...
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I mean...what do I know about girls?
0:23:28 > 0:23:33Look at me. My love life's a nuclear disaster zone.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I'm sorry I messed things up between you and Ruby.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41I just really wanted things to work out for you because...
0:23:43 > 0:23:46..I really need you in this band.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I should have just told you to be yourself.
0:23:50 > 0:23:56I mean...if you're with the right girl, that's all that really counts.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Ruby's the one that's missing out.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Fuck One Direction. Fuck 'em.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15PHONE RINGS
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- Hello?- Where are you? You're on in an hour.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22We're not going to make it. Sorry.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Useless, fat twat.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41You still not going to tell me what happened?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44You know, me and your Uncle Andy used to fight all the time.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46We still do, but not like we used to.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I remember one time he was going through a glam phase,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52and he borrowed my stirrup leggings without asking.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54He was a lot thinner back then.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Anyway, I found them in the laundry with massive split up the bum.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- He wouldn't admit to it. - So, what did you do?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I cut nipple holes in his Stone Roses T-shirt, but that's not the point.
0:25:04 > 0:25:10The point is that I forgave him, because, eventually, we all screw up
0:25:10 > 0:25:12and we can only hope there'll be someone there to forgive us
0:25:12 > 0:25:14when it's our turn.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35DOORBELL RINGS
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Hi, I'm Sam, I'm your sister. This is Roly, he's your nephew.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43It's really nice to meet you.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- Ooh! Holy shit, those are soft hands. - What are you doing here?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Don't we have a gig to get to?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Well, I'm glad you said that,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54because I've figured out the bare minimum we need
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- to make this band work.- What's that?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Two bears.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07All right, gorgeous?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Andy!- Shelly? You're here?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I saw your post online. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Do you have time for a drink later?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Yeah, definitely.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Weren't they fabulous?!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Now our final band is called...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Really?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36The Bear Maximum!
0:26:51 > 0:26:56Thanks. This song is about a girl.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# When I think about you You make my pants go all tight
0:27:02 > 0:27:06# You're crawling round in my head You taunt me all through the night
0:27:06 > 0:27:10# I see you walk in the room You make me weak at the knees
0:27:10 > 0:27:14# I've not had sex in a while I'll do whatever you please
0:27:14 > 0:27:18# I feel my temperature rise I feel my jaw start to drop
0:27:18 > 0:27:23# You drive me out of my mind Oh, please just give me a shot... #
0:27:23 > 0:27:24They're actually pretty good.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# You've got me down on my knees You've got me begging for more... #
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- You're not going to let them win, are you?- Not a chance.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# Now come and knock down my door
0:27:31 > 0:27:38# I don't like you I love, love you
0:27:38 > 0:27:43# I don't like you
0:27:43 > 0:27:47# I love, love you
0:27:48 > 0:27:52# I'll take you home after work I'll take you up to your house
0:27:52 > 0:27:57# And then I'll give you a kiss But not a kiss on the mouth
0:27:57 > 0:28:01# I'll take you higher and higher To places you've never been
0:28:01 > 0:28:02# And you can probably tell
0:28:02 > 0:28:06# This song was written by him. #