0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains very strong language
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Morning.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Hey there, rock star. Sleep well?
0:00:21 > 0:00:22Like a corpse.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26I can't believe I'm in Andy King's bed.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Me neither. Let's get out of here before he comes back.
0:00:29 > 0:00:35Er, no big deal, but I think the condom MAYBE broke that last time.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38What?! Please tell me you're on the pill.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42I'm kidding! Don't worry, I'm not some kind of Fatal Attraction.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:00:44 > 0:00:46You hungry?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- Yeah, like the wolf. - Why don't I make us something?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Huh, you're wearing my Alice Cooper T-shirt!
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Yeah, I found it on the floor. Hope it's OK.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Girlfriend's prerogative. Not that I'm your girlfriend.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04I mean, I am a girl, and your friend, hopefully...
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Oh, God.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- Hi, I'm Sam and I'm an addict. - ALL:- Hi, Sam.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I thought I had it under control.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I felt like Grace Kelly,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18but I looked more like Russell Brand in a River Island jumper.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I've been clean now for a little over a year.
0:01:22 > 0:01:27At the moment, I'm building up the courage to tell my son
0:01:27 > 0:01:30what really...really happened.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34But I'm very thankful that he has such a loving and present father,
0:01:34 > 0:01:38even if I get a bit jealous of the time they spend together.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I try and tell myself that...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42(love is not a competition.)
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- MOBILE PHONE RINGS - Ooh. Is that...? Yeah.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51The cravings have gone, which I never thought I'd say.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55I mean, sometimes when I speak to my ex, I could just kill for a line!
0:01:55 > 0:02:00But I know I just have to focus on the present.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- MOBILE PHONE BUZZES - It's really just about
0:02:02 > 0:02:05staying in the moment, no matter what...
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Er, sorry.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I should get this.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14STRUMMING ON GUITAR
0:02:14 > 0:02:16What's wrong with my guitar?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I fixed it. The lower E string was really out of tune.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21It was in drop D.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25I always keep my axe in drop D, for shredding.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30Oh. Sorry, I should've asked first.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I think you mean...AXED first.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37It's fine, don't worry about it.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Wow, that's lovely. Thank you very much.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Are you not eating?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49No, not hungry. But I like watching you eat.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Like putting a tiny piece of myself inside you.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Shit! I'd better get ready.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I'm singing at a Bar Mitzvah in two hours. Living the dream, right?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- What? - 'I'm taking you out for lunch.'
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I'm already eating, actually.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10When's that ever stopped you? Ben just invited me to his mother's.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11He's got some big announcement,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13but I'm not going into the scorpion's nest alone.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16If I can pretend I'm normal for a couple of hours,
0:03:16 > 0:03:19he might drop the custody case. I need you there to keep me out of trouble.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Are you forgetting who you're even talking to?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23DOORBELL RINGS
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Doorbell. Got to go.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26You're coming.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30What's that smell?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33It's like baked beans and sex.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36That's my new deodorant... Sexy Beans.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Look, I'm not free and you can't be here right now...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Oh. Hi.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Uh, Shelly, this is my sister, Sam.
0:03:45 > 0:03:51Shelly's just here... helping me out with that thing...
0:03:51 > 0:03:56Any time. If that problem happens again, you know who to call.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00I do, thank you very much. I have your business card.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04(I'm taking your T-shirt. If you want it back, you better call.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06(PS, I love role-play.)
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- Nice meeting you.- Nice meeting you.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I thought you HAD a girlfriend. Roly was telling me about Gwen?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Shelly's not my girlfriend.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17She just a girl who comes round and says hello...
0:04:17 > 0:04:21With her vagina. Please, I know the walk of shame. I invented it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23One minute you're blackout drunk, the next thing, you're waking up
0:04:23 > 0:04:26next to some Brazilian banker in his Holiday Inn executive suite.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Which, by the way, is not as roomy as it sounds.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Now, are you coming or am I telling Gwen about your sexcapades?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- You haven't even got her number. - Oh, there we go.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Here it is. Under favourites. Bless.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Give it back. Give it back. Sam... Give me back my phone!
0:04:42 > 0:04:46- Are you coming? It's ringing, it's ringing!- Hang up!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Wait.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Shit fuck dick balls crap cock arse motherfucker bitch pussy rimjob.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54- Good?- Yup.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Hi, munchkin!
0:04:58 > 0:04:59What's he doing here?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03I've come to give you the news.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04You're adopted.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Phew, what a load off!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Hello, stranger! Andy.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Sorry I didn't warn you he was coming. He just insisted.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- I can go, if it's too much trouble. - No. Stay. We're all family here.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23(You'd better not fuck today up for me.)
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Dad, am I adopted?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29No. Where did you get that rubbish?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Fizzy drinks. Shrinking kids' brains.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Like syphilis in a can.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Couldn't agree more. They're toxic.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Rex, hey!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Good to see you, Ands, my man. Hey, Sammy.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Rex. Good to see you.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I thought you were saving the world somewhere?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Rwanda, yeah. I'm on leave from OpSmile for two weeks.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Just long enough to catch up with the fam.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53You guys get comfy. I'll tell Mum you're here.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57You'll never guess what Uncle Rex got me from Africa.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- A malaria tent?- A bracelet.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Masculine(!) - It's beautiful, darling.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Last-minute gift from Duty Free? I've been there.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Actually, a little girl made it for me after I fixed her cleft palate.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10It's so rewarding, watching them
0:06:10 > 0:06:12look in the mirror for the first time and hear them say,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15"That's me. That's what I look like now."
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Yeah. Actually, that reminds me. I got you a gift too, Errol.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22There you go.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Er, thanks.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27You're welcome. And remember, that's not any old opened pack of gum.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32I got that from an old homeless guy after I bought him a beer.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Hello, everyone.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Hi, Joan.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38If it isn't my favourite ex-daughter-in-law.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- I'm your ONLY ex-daughter-in-law. - Awww!
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Did Errol tell you, he set up the dining table all by himself?
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Made the name cards and everything.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Mum, you're sitting next to Dad.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Oh, great.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Andy, what a lovely surprise.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56Like that time you fell face first into the wedding cake.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I can't remember anything about that night. I was wasted.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Yes. We remember.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Speaking of, what would everyone like to drink?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I know you love a good glass of white, don't you, Sam?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Oh, Joan, you know I can't...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13..wait to try...some of your white. That would be lovely.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Ben, can I have a word? It's about school fees.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Since we're pairing up, can I get a quick band meeting, Errol?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23C'mon, it's a simple question, who do you choose?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- And you're the same distance away? - Yes. The house is on fire.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29We're both inside, we're both the exact same distance from you
0:07:29 > 0:07:31and you can only save one of us.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Is it me or is it Rex?
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Well, Rex is a doctor, so if I get hurt saving him...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Come on, you're not seriously going to pick Jesus Christ, Super Surgeon?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- Why? Are you jealous? - Pfft. Of that clown? Please.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Now, we're both unconscious, so our skills don't come into play this time.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Who do you pick?- You want me to pick a favourite?- No...
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I just want you to tell me
0:07:54 > 0:07:57which one of your uncles you don't want burning to death.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Hypothetically.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05Do you think Mum and Dad are getting back together? I think that's what Dad's announcement is.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Pick an uncle and I'll tell you.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10OK, I'll pick one, but I need time to think about it.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- You said you were going to tell her. - I am, I just...haven't yet.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18It's been a year. She's going to find out I was in rehab at some point.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Where does she think I disappeared to?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I might have told her you went to stay with your parents in Spain
0:08:23 > 0:08:26to regroup after the separation.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28You have terrible honesty issues.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32It's just...if Mum finds out you did drugs then she'll find out
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I did them too, and I can't do that to her.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36She doesn't even know I smoke cigarettes.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Can't you just play along, please, for Roly?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Fine. So, what's this big news?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I'm not telling till after lunch.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Are you dropping the custody case? - Um...no.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Are you dying? Is it that weird lump on your ball?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55What? No. What weird lump?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59You're like one of those bomb sniffing dogs.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Ehh, have you got any beer?
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Cheers.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06You know, you might not remember the wedding, but I do.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10And aside from the heartbreak of watching my son make the biggest
0:09:10 > 0:09:15mistake of his life, it was one of the more enjoyable nights I've had.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Yeah, the band were good, weren't they?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I'm not talking about the band.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27Errol's a lucky boy. Two strapping uncles looking out for him.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Keep him on his toes. - What are you two gossiping about?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Your amazing cooking.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Rex is making spring lamb au jus with potatoes dauphinoise.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I swear, if he hadn't become a paediatric surgeon,
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- he'd be a Michelin star chef by now. - It's nothing.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46The secret is you've just got to slow roast it for ages
0:09:46 > 0:09:50on an achingly low temp until the meat just melts off the bone.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54You are just too perfect.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55DOORBELL RINGS
0:09:55 > 0:09:57That'll be the others.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03"You're just too perfect."
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Andy! Hey.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Bruce? What are you doing here?
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Our kids play on the same football team. How do you two...?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- Fight club.- Mate! First rule.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Watch out for this one, she tackles like John Terry.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Let's hope she isn't racist like John Terry.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Allegedly. - Mrs Meyer, these are for you.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- Oh, they're lovely. Where did you get them?- Tesco.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Hey, Bruce. How's Claire?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Great. Busy managing the salon. Work, work, work.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36She did Tiff's nails. Show her, Tiff.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Wow. Those are fab. - Do you like them, Errol?
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Mum's nail polish gives me a rash.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Bruce, this is my brother, Rex. He's visiting from Africa.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Oh, cool. My dad's Nigerian. Igbo.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Kedu ka imere?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Yes. - What did you say, Uncle Rex?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I asked how he was doing, in Igbo.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57"Entres dans mon Jacuzzi." What's that in French, Errol?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- Get in my Jacuzzi?- You're welcome.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Sam, would you help me put these in water?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Come on, kids, I'll tell you about how I helped a lioness give birth.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Spoiler alert - he's the father.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I didn't know you were mates with Ben.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Er, we're not really. He invited Tiff so Errol would have company.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I swear I wouldn't have come if I knew you and Sam were here.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I mean, with the custody thing. I hate picking sides.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Yeah, but if you had to, you'd pick Sam, right?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- She's always saying how much she likes you.- Really?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24No. But she could have been.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Now, I'm cooler than Rex, aren't I? - Yeah, definitely.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30If you were a boy band, he'd be like Gary Barlow.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34He gets all the respect, but Robbie's having ALL the fun.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36But people still respect Robbie as well, right?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Yeah, sure.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Now tell me this - is it incest
0:11:40 > 0:11:43if you had sex with your ex-GILF-in-law?
0:11:43 > 0:11:44What?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Never mind.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Isn't Errol doing well?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I know. Did he tell you he got an A on his family tree project?
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Brilliant.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54You know, I was so worried about him after the separation.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Especially while you were in Spain, living it up.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Thank goodness Ben was around to pick up the pieces.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- You still haven't touched your wine. - I'm just...saving it for the meal.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Sam, are we friends?
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Of course. Yes.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Oh, good.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I was afraid we had a Queen Liz and Diana thing going on.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19- We know how that ended. - Right, so who's Charles?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23The family is Charles. And we all want what's best for Charles, don't we?
0:12:23 > 0:12:27I mean, just because you ran off to Spain when Errol needed you most,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30doesn't mean your heart isn't in the right place.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I'm sure you had your reasons.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Here, let's make a toast... to Charles.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Actually, I just remembered. I'm on antibiotics.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- Shouldn't be drinking. - Just a sip won't kill you.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Come on, drink up, or I'll feel insulted.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00This is grape juice.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Like I'd give wine to an addict! That was too easy.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05How can you be trusted with Errol's custody
0:13:05 > 0:13:07when you can't even stay on the wagon?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09You knew I was in rehab?
0:13:09 > 0:13:13A friend of mine spotted you in the same clinic as her anorexic daughter.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Don't tell Ben I know. He likes to think he has secrets.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Just going to go and put change in the meter.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- Who do you support, Errol?- He's a Gooner, like his uncle and me.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25You said you were a Spurs fan, like your mum and me.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30What? I like them both. I couldn't possibly pick a favourite.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34You can't like Tottenham AND Arsenal! That's like rooting for the Nazis and the French Resistance.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Arsenal have more French players, doesn't that make Spurs the Nazis?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Spurs have a lot of Jewish fans, though.- Not many Jewish Nazis, are there?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Since when do you care about football, Andy?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47You should support Fulham, like us. Nobody gets hurt when you support Fulham. They're Switzerland.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52Oh, that reminds me. This is a football field I helped build when I was stationed in Somalia.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Nice job(!) There's not even any grass on it.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I know, but the kids don't mind.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It used to be a mass grave.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Can you guess what it's called now?
0:14:03 > 0:14:04"No grass field"?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- It's called Errolfield. - Nice touch, bro.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Very cool.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Looking at that dusty field makes me feel thirsty.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Uncle Andy, I'd really like an apple juice.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Your legs aren't broken.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21You can have my drink, Errol. I didn't touch the sides.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Thanks, but I really just want some apple juice. It's my...favourite.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I'll get you one, mate.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28I got this one, T-Rex.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Oh, help yourself.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35You certainly did at the wedding.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Um...where's Sam?
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Not sure. Have you tried Spain?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43ALL: Ohh!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45His highness's apple juice.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Not thirsty any more.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Bruce, if you and Tiff are interested,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Rex and I are taking Errol camping next weekend.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I'm going to teach this little guy all about edible plants.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Uncle Rex makes botany really fun.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Botany's my...FAVOURITE.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03I ate an orchid on a Thai beef salad once.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05It was interesting.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Yeah, well, what did I teach you last week?
0:15:07 > 0:15:08How to delete my search history?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Bingo. And that is a skill for life.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Right, half-time. Who's up for a game of three-a-side?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Um...
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Dad.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Bruce.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Yes!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23You should pick Andy. I haven't played in ages.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Bit rusty.- Uncle...
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Rex.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Andy, I guess.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34MUSIC: "Dig A Little Deeper" by Peter Bjorn and John
0:15:35 > 0:15:37# Oh-oh
0:15:37 > 0:15:38# Oh-oh
0:15:38 > 0:15:40# You think you've got it made
0:15:40 > 0:15:41# I'm trying to have some fun
0:15:41 > 0:15:43# You think you know it all
0:15:43 > 0:15:45# I've only just begun
0:15:45 > 0:15:47# You're sliding on the surface
0:15:47 > 0:15:49# I'm reaching for the bottom
0:15:49 > 0:15:51# The past is always present
0:15:51 > 0:15:53# The future fades away
0:15:53 > 0:15:57# And if you think your brain is hollow
0:15:57 > 0:16:00# You just have to scream
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- # And dig a little deeper... # - He's amazing.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Heard West Ham tried signing him,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08but he just wanted to be a doctor.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Well, then...
0:16:09 > 0:16:12It's time to send him back to the hospital.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- MUSIC: "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath - Go, go, go! Take him!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Oh, shit...
0:16:22 > 0:16:24GLASS SMASHES
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I'm really, really sorry.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28It's fine.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I'm sure you can find a way of making it up to me.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34What were you doing kicking the ball like that, anyway?
0:16:34 > 0:16:35It was a mis-kick.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Bruce, did that look like a mis-kick to you?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I didn't see. My contact fell out.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42But you're wearing your glasses.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Where's Mum?
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Mum?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Mum?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Maybe she ran away.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Why would you say that?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51That's what my dad did - my real dad.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53He was a worthless fart-hole.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55That's what my mum says.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Do you think you'll ever get married?
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Oh, yeah, definitely! Yeah.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I want loads of kids.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03If I have a girl, I'm going to call her Scout,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05like in To Kill A Mockingbird.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07If I have a boy, I'm going to call him Spock.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I don't want a husband, though. I'm going to get a sperm donor.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- What's that?- I'm not really sure. I heard about it on Jeremy Kyle.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Have you ever kissed a girl on the mouth?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21The human mouth has over 1,000 different types of bacteria.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23So, is that a "no"?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Er...
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Oh, just close your eyes.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31What are you two doing in my bedroom?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33We're not kissing on the mouth.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35No, you hang up first.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38No, you hang up first!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- HANGS UP - Look, about your mum's face.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Um... It was an accident.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Not her face - she's got a beautiful face.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Not in a sexy way.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- For her age...- Did you find Sam?
0:17:47 > 0:17:48- Not yet.- This is typical.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51When we were married, she'd always disappear like this
0:17:51 > 0:17:54after a big fight. She was always paranoid I was cheating on her.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55- Were you cheating on her? - Not always.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Look, about that call... - You don't need to explain.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59No, I want to.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02See...I've been seeing someone else.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04That's why I invited everyone here.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Everyone else, not you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I wanted Errol to have as many people around him as possible
0:18:09 > 0:18:10for support, when I break the news.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Do you think he'll be all right?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Yeah, sure. He's a tough kid.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15As long as he's got his inhaler.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Y'ello!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Er... Are you all right?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Yeah! Yeah, I'm great. Just got some dust in my eyes.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- I should probably tell the others I found you...- No, just...wait.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Just give me a minute.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Ben and I used to come up here and smoke a joint
0:18:44 > 0:18:47while Joan was changing Errol's nappies.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48You must think I'm really stupid
0:18:48 > 0:18:52hiding in an attic like... Anne Frank or something.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Sometimes I tell Claire I'm going out to buy milk
0:18:55 > 0:18:57but I'm really going to Starbucks to work on my comics.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- You draw comics?- Well, webcomics.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05And I can't actually draw, it's more stick figures with witty writing.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07ATTEMPTED witty writing.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Yeah, I know, "Grow up, Bruce."
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Claire thinks it's stupid too. - It's not stupid. It's sweet.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- I just didn't know you were so... nerdy.- Really?!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I mean, come on, look at me.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- I guess you're right!- Thanks(!)
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I am a terrible mother, aren't I?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26What? No. You're a great mum.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I see the way Roly looks at you.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30That's just his lazy eye.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32But you look like you know what you're doing.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33What's your secret?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Honestly? When things get too much...
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I have a special pillow I scream into.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- How often do you need the pillow? - Not often.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44About ten times a day.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46And if you don't have a pillow to hand,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48you can use your arm.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Like so...
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Nngh!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Nnnnghh!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Ooh...!- Wow! Better?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- I feel a little bit light-headed. - Yeah, I know, right?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Oh...this is it.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I'm going to be a single mum for the rest of my life.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16I'm going to end up like Joan. Some nasty, mean, bitchy cow
0:20:16 > 0:20:18who hasn't had a willy up her in about a century
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Don't worry, you'll get a willy up you.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27But seriously, I... I think you'll find someone.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31You know, you're smart, funny, attractive...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- You're great at hide and seek. - You found me.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Well, I'm an excellent seeker.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Found her!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45What on earth are you doing up here?
0:20:45 > 0:20:46What happened to your face?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48What's that smell?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51FIRE ALARM BEEPS
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Shit!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56It's ruined.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Who's up for curry, then?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I don't mind it a little well-done.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Uncle Rex, why did you set it so high?- I...didn't.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Duhn-duhn-duhnnn.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- We'd better call Scotland Yard, then.- You did this!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Whoa, Rex, slow down.- Andy's never touched an oven in his life.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- He can barely cook a Pot Noodle. - Yeah.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Why would I want to ruin my own lunch?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I don't know. You tell me. You've been jabbing at me all day.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18What, did I piss you off in a past life or something?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20"Oh, the golden boy never does anything wrong.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22"Oh, look at me, I'm the world's best surgeon.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"Oh, look at me, I'm the world's best chef.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"Oh, look at me, I'm the world's best uncle!"
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Well, at least I've put my time in with Roly.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Where've you been this last decade?! - Please stop fighting over me.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32BOTH: Stay out of this, Errol!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36You are like a one-man typhoon. Is there anything you can't ruin?
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Oh, get over it, love.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I'm sorry I shagged you and then never called.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Have you lost your mind?!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44We never shagged.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Er, hello? The wedding.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49We shared a joint at the wedding, you idiot.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50What's a joint?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- It's a marijuana cigarette. - Where did you learn that?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Jeremy Kyle.- So, wait, you're judging me for going to rehab,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- while you're the pothead? - I tried it once, 12 years ago.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00That hardly makes me Keith Richards.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01I tried peyote once in Guadalajara.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Big deal, I did meth twice in Hackney.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Well, two and a half times. It's complicated.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Mum, wait, you knew Sam went to rehab?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Of course I did, darling, I'm your mother.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- Anyway, everyone's in rehab, it's the new black.- What's rehab?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Hotel for druggies. - But, Mum, I thought you were sick.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I was, munchkin. I'll explain everything later.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Why didn't you say you knew? I could have used your support.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Because she loves keeping secrets.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I'm sure she knows you did all the coke in Colombia too.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29That isn't true, is it?
0:22:29 > 0:22:30- Ben?- What's wrong with Coca-cola?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32They're talking about cocaine.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33- Jesus, Tiff!- Jeremy Kyle?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Top Gear.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37This is your fault! I knew you'd find a way of screwing this day up!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40My fault? I'm not the one that invited everyone here
0:22:40 > 0:22:41to make a big announcement.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Trust me, mate, no-one cares that you're getting laid.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45What's he talking about?
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Well, I didn't want everyone to find out like this, but, um...
0:22:49 > 0:22:52HE CLEARS HIS THROAT ..I've been seeing someone.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Her name's Veronica.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Is she joining us?- Not today,
0:22:57 > 0:23:02but I wanted to prepare everyone for the idea.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03To avoid any dramas.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06So you're emotionally fluffing us? That is so typical of you.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Your ego is so inflated
0:23:07 > 0:23:09you have to make a major event out of everything!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Well, excuse me if I thought this was important.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13You're the one who left me, remember?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- I wanted to work things out. - You were driving me crazy!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18My wife's cheating on me!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- Errol? Errol, are you all right? - Oh, my God!
0:23:23 > 0:23:24It's his asthma. It's the smoke.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I'll get his inhaler, it's in my purse.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29OK, Errol, I need you to try and take slow, deep breaths for me.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30OK, mate? Breathe...
0:23:35 > 0:23:36It's not working!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I don't think it's his asthma. I think it's a panic attack.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Errol, I need you to try and think of something relaxing.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46# When you're going to the loo
0:23:46 > 0:23:49# And your pants are full of poo
0:23:49 > 0:23:54# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea
0:23:54 > 0:23:56# When you're climbing up a ladder
0:23:56 > 0:23:58# And you're feeling something splatter
0:23:58 > 0:24:02# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea
0:24:02 > 0:24:04# When your stomach starts to hurt
0:24:04 > 0:24:06# And you need to squirt some dirt
0:24:06 > 0:24:10# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea
0:24:10 > 0:24:12# When you're sitting on a mountain
0:24:12 > 0:24:15# And your bum becomes a fountain...
0:24:15 > 0:24:20ALL: # Diarrhoea, diarrhoea
0:24:20 > 0:24:24# When you're driving in your car
0:24:24 > 0:24:28# And your house is just too far
0:24:28 > 0:24:35# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea. #
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Joan, I know you think I'm a mess,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48and I have my moments, but I am a good mum.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I know.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56And I'm sorry for earlier.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I can get a bit "Mommy Dearest" when I'm let out of my cage.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Ben and I should have been straight with you from the start.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07We all really need to communicate better. For Roly's sake.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Because I would like to be friends, Joan.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11We don't have to be friends, darling.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15We're family!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17More grape juice?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Look, um, I'm sorry I ruined your roast.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25It's just with all your cool stories and...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27The way Roly looks up to me?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30No, actually, just your cool stories.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34- You know I sometimes get jealous of you, right?- Really, why?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37You make him laugh and you've got that whole music connection...
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I've got no musical talent whatsoever.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Yeah, you're right.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I suppose I am an unbelievably cool uncle.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Yeah.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Yeah, I mean, sometimes being handsome
0:25:47 > 0:25:50and super intelligent isn't everything.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57How did it go?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59He's going to need time to process.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01He's asked to see his uncles.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Did you know I've got a tattoo?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I'd show it you, but it's in a...
0:26:18 > 0:26:20hard to reach place.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- Can you guess what it says? - "Boobs", with nipples inside the Os?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27I wish. No, it says, "Will you go out with me, Dolores?"
0:26:27 > 0:26:28She was a girl at uni.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31I thought she'd be won over by my, um...
0:26:31 > 0:26:32dedication.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33What did she say?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Well, she laughed in my face.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37After I pulled my trousers back up.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Point is, that thing is going nowhere.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Just like us.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44And, sure, your dad might be seeing a new bird,
0:26:44 > 0:26:48but he's still your dad, and your mum's still your mum,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50and they both love you.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52For some weird reason.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54What your Uncle Andy's trying to say is,
0:26:54 > 0:26:58if you ever need anyone to talk to, you know who to call.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00BOTH: Me.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Did you make sure the needle was sterilised?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Because you know you can catch hepatitis from a tattoo.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Yeah, don't worry about that. I had it bleached, burnt and boiled.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Thanks, guys.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Nice job, man.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Yeah.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I'm definitely his favourite.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Mm...
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Mm...
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- Gingin?- Yes, darling?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Earlier you said Mum and Dad's wedding was 12 years ago,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36but I'm 12 and a half.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38How does that work?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Ooh, poppadoms!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# Who am I
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# Without you? #