0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Hey, pretty girl, let's go out together
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Go out together
0:00:10 > 0:00:12The first two weeks we'll rock
0:00:12 > 0:00:13We'll laugh and frolic
0:00:13 > 0:00:16You'll bake me a pie You're so sweet I could die
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Hey, pretty girl, pretty girl
0:00:18 > 0:00:20You're going to break my heart I can tell
0:00:20 > 0:00:22I know how this ends
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Go to hell, pretty girl Go to hell, hell, hell!
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Hell, I mean, I'm still ironing out the lyrics but what do you think?
0:00:29 > 0:00:30HE SIGHS
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- I don't want to go on this school trip.- What are you talking about?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35A few days out on a farm sounds like fun.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Last year they went to Legoland.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Why can't we go to Legoland? Or Oslo, the cleanest city in Europe.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Clean? You're going to a farm. There'll be loads of fresh air.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- I have hay fever.- All right then. Fresh milk...- Lactose.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48You're lactose intolerant. Erm, fresh eggs, then.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I'm keeping an eye on my cholesterol and there'll be ticks everywhere.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53I could get Lyme disease!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55It's better than Lemon disease.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I bet Murray Thomas is going to sit next to me on the bus.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02He always blows his nose into the same handkerchief.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06- You've to get me out of this, you're my favourite uncle.- Nice try.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Look, once I got invited to a party and I turned it down.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I said, "No I'm not going," and I stayed in and played X-box instead.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16- And do you know what? I found out later that that party turned into an orgy.- What's that?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19It doesn't matter. Point is, this trip will be good for you.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22But if you need someone to talk to, you can always phone me.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25And you'll answer, no matter what?
0:01:25 > 0:01:26No matter what.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Unless you reverse the charges and then, no way.
0:01:30 > 0:01:36This programme contains some strong language.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Wow, Kelly Talbot 'friended' me. I had my first spliff with her.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42My God, her baby is so ugly
0:01:42 > 0:01:44and she looks really old.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45I love Facebook.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I don't look this old, do I? PHONE PINGS
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- Who's that?- Oh, it's Shelly.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56- She keeps texting me. - Oh, is it getting serious?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- Are you going to have ugly babies together?- No!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01She's just a fling while me and Gwen are on a break.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02I think she wants a lot more.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04She left her toothbrush in my bathroom.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- That's the uranium of grooming appliances.- Shit, you have to be honest with her.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10You can't just string her along. PHONE RINGS
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- What were you saying about stringing people along?- That's my sponsor.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16She's very sweet, she's just not very cool.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19But there's this woman in my group, Suzy.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21She was a wild child in the '60s.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25She slept with Hendrix, Jagger, all of Zeppelin.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I want HER to be my sponsor.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29She'll be like my fucked up fairy godmother.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Oh, by the way. I gave your number to Roly's teacher, Melodie.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- She wanted it for some music day project.- Cool.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Don't even think about sleeping with her.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- Oh, even if I say you look younger than Kelly Talbot?- Not even then.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Fine, I'm a rubbish liar, anyway.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Ow!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- This is a lovely idea, Sam. - Oh, I'm glad you think so, Agnes.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I love a bit of art therapy.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56I was thinking that you must be getting tired of me.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58No, not at all.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01You know, I never had children,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03but I've come to see you as a daughter.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Daughters move out though, don't they,
0:03:08 > 0:03:12when they go to university or run off with their maths teacher?
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Are you breaking up with me?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16I just think we should see other people for a bit.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Yeah, it might be good for us.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28PHONE BUZZES
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Yeah?- 'I did it!'
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- I broke up with my sponsor. Did you talk to Shelly?- Yeah...
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- All done.- I'm so proud of us, we're like real grown-ups,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40taking life by the horns. Horning it up.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Andy?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Who's that? What's all done?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48"All done" as in pizza delivery order.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I've just ordered a pizza.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55A breakfast pizza with sausage and mushrooms and beans on it,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57stuff like that. Should probably go and pick it up.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Don't they deliver?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Yeah, but I'm trying to save the planet from...
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- all the scooter fumes. - Aren't you driving?
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Yes, but I'm driving very slowly.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12PHONE RINGS
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- I really can't talk now! - Oh, sorry.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- Oh! Melodie?- Hi, Andy.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- I'm not interrupting an important recording session, am I?- No, no.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I was just stepping out. Drummers, eh?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Aren't you on that school trip with Errol?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28God, no, I get a couple of days to spoil myself.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I hear you, porn and ice-cream.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31SHE CHUCKLES
0:04:31 > 0:04:35So, I wanted to ask about a music project,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37'do you have time to meet?'
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Sure, how about right now?
0:04:40 > 0:04:41CHILDREN CHATTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:46HE SNEEZES
0:04:50 > 0:04:53OK, so you want me to produce a song for your class?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I can do that. I'd be like the Rick Rubin to their Beastie Boys.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- How much does it pay? - Oh, uh, there's no money involved.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Just good will and biscuits, Mr Rubin.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Oh, I love giving back.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Not the biscuits, I'm keeping those.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09So, what sort of sound are you looking for?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10I don't know.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Erm, The Beatles?- Ugh, The Beatles.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16They're a bit like the Labrador puppies of pop music, aren't they?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18You should introduce them to something different,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21something that'll blow their tiny little minds.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23You should listen to some of the music in my record collection.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I don't have a record player.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27You can listen round mine.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- I mean, it's not like a date or anything.- Yeah, that would be great.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- How's about tomorrow? - Perfect. It's a date.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37TELEPHONE PINGS
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Holy shit!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- You've gotta go.- What? - You gotta go.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Sam's on her way over, she's had a really bad haircut,
0:05:48 > 0:05:49needs a shoulder to cry on.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Said she looked like the Elephant Woman.- Where's the pizza?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54DOORBELL RINGS
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Right, you need to climb out.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Sam'll be devastated if you see her like this.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Please, for me.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Tell her she owes me for this. OK?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Casper dumped me!
0:06:19 > 0:06:20I'm so sorry to disturb you.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I would have gone to my dad's but you know how overprotective he is.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Casper said he needed space.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- What does that mean?- It probably means he's cheating on you.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31SHE CRIES
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Wait! You know this does not mean we're getting back together, right?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Yeah. No, absolutely. No, we're not.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44I need a piss.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50PHONE RINGS
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- What?- You'll never guess what I just found out.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Babies aren't made in clouds?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01They only have communal showers where we're going. Like prison!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- I bet Legoland have proper showers. - You'll be fine. Don't drop the soap.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Wait! That's not the worst part. Murray Thomas wants to share bunks!
0:07:07 > 0:07:11I can't do this, please, if you pick me up, I'll work on some new songs with you.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- No deal, I'm busy. I've just got back with Gwen.- When did you break up with Shelly?
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- Uh, soon.- You can't have two girlfriends at the same time!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Are you the girlfriend police? I can have as many as I want.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23If you juggle too many balls, you'll drop one.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25What do you know about balls dropping?!
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Why have you got two toothbrushes? Are you seeing somebody?
0:07:33 > 0:07:38No, one of them's for my top set and the other one's for my bottoms.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Is that weird?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Suzy, I've been watching you in meetings.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Oh, it's so creepy.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Suzy, I think you're a cool chick.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Oh, my God, it's so cheesy.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Suzy, you're the shit, I'm the shit, let's shit together?
0:07:59 > 0:08:00DOORBELL RINGS
0:08:00 > 0:08:05What a fucking mess. It took me 20 minutes to find a parking space.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- I'm so sorry. - What are you sorry for? It's not your fault, sweetheart.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Oh, sorry...
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Can I get you a drink? - Coffee, the stronger the better.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- Ah, I only have decaf, I'm trying to quit caffeine.- Why?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20It's addictive.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Water's fine, darling.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Is that your boy?- Mmm.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Looks a bit like Mick?- Oh, Jagger?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Yeah, he's pretty rock 'n' roll, my Errol.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34He's in a band. Do you have any children?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36A daughter. She's a singer.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Oh, I wish I had a daughter.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Don't get me wrong, I love my Errol, but it would be nice
0:08:41 > 0:08:45to have someone to swap clothes with and talk about boys.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48He might be into that.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Can I just say, you are an inspiration...
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I don't want to be your sponsor.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57- What?- I know how this goes.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I used to be you, young and addicted to recovery.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03You think I'll be your new best friend, get our nails done together.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Look, I'm very flattered,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08but I just don't have the energy for all that neediness.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I won't be needy, I swear. I swear I won't be.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- You're being needy right now.- Yeah, well, how about this, then? Huh?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Rock 'n' roll.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22You're adorable.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26We're probably going to need the safe word
0:09:26 > 0:09:28before we try that again.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29I'm pregnant.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33That is an excellent safe word.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35No, I'm serious. I'm pregnant.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37What, from just now?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39No, from Casper.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Oh, OK.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I'll raise it like my own, I swear.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Andy, we're not back together. This was just meaningless sex.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00Yeah, I know, that's my favourite kind of sex.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Are you about to cry?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Why do you always have to be so wounded?
0:10:06 > 0:10:07You're like a walking Adele song.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Shit, that's probably my dad. - What's he doing here?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I told him if I went missing to come looking at your place, in case you kidnapped me.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- You thought I'd kidnap you? Why would you say that?- You texted -
0:10:18 > 0:10:20"If I can't have you, I'll kidnap you."
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- I was joking! I put a smiley face on it.- You have to answer it! Go now!
0:10:32 > 0:10:33She rejected me!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38She said I was needy. Me?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41If a baby is the most needy and a dead person the least, what would I be?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I don't know, a dead baby. Look, you have to go, Gwen's here.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- You didn't waste any time.- What can I say? Casper's out, I'm in.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Everything's perfect.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Shit, that's Gwen's dad.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Tell him I'm away and you're looking after my cat.- What cat?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Chairman Meow, do I have to think of everything?!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Hi, Sam.- Hi...Shelly.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Shell? What are you doing here?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05My kids' birthday gig got cancelled, lice outbreak.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07What are you two up to?
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Oh, Andy was just lending me a DVD, second series of Breaking Bad.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- That's in the bedroom. I'll get it. - No! I farted in there
0:11:15 > 0:11:18and it still stinks.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- It's your dad, he's doing a sweep of the flat.- Shit!
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Your haircut's not that bad.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Gwen, look... When can I see you again?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I mean, for meaningless sex, or whatever?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I don't know, Andy, I'll call you.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39PHONE RINGS
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Master juggler speaking.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42'We've only been here an hour'
0:11:42 > 0:11:44and they've made us watch a cow give birth.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46If that's what it's like, I owe Mum an apology.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48No wonder she's always in a bad mood.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51'And now Murray Thomas is asking if I'll be his best friend.'
0:11:51 > 0:11:52How do I turn him down nicely?
0:11:52 > 0:11:57- Andy?!- I know what you're thinking. - That I should cut your balls off and flush them down the toilet?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- She's a sweet girl, Andy. If you don't tell her, I will.- No!
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Hello?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- Whose is this?- It's...
0:12:05 > 0:12:10It's mine, my back was killing and so I whipped that baby off.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Boobs, huh? More trouble than they're worth, am I right?
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- My boobs are killing me right now. - I better be off.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- Don't you want your bra back? - Oh, God, I'm always leaving those.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- Thank you.- Tell her.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Your sister's a bit weird.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Films are a lot like life, really, aren't they?
0:12:34 > 0:12:38There's a beginning, a middle and then an end.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43This, Toy Story, Die Hard,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47the first three, not the last two, they were shit.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Everything ends eventually, even if the sex is really, really good.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Sex, in Toy Story?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57PHONE RINGS
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- Hello?- 'Have you ever touched a pig, Andy?'
0:13:03 > 0:13:07They made us catch pigs.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09'Their skin, it's so human.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12'Fleshy. Pink. The trotters...'
0:13:12 > 0:13:14like tiny deformed hands.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16'One of them snorfed on me. I think I have swine flu.'
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- What number are you calling from? - 'They took my phone,'
0:13:19 > 0:13:20I'm in the farm manager's office.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I couldn't sleep. Murray Thomas was having night terrors.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25'Please, I swear - if you pick me up,'
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I will iron your clothes for a year,
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- 'even the underwear, whatever it takes.'- Will you break up with Shelly for me?
0:13:31 > 0:13:32DOG BARKS
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Shit.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Coward!
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Hello, Sam. I wanted to say congrats on Suzy being your new sponsor.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42I can see the appeal.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46She is very cool and her vagina's a shrine to rock 'n' roll,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48so...no hard feelings.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Is it true?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55About me and Janis? Yeah, it was just the one night.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57No, about you being my sponsor?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- If I say yes, do you swear you won't hug me?- I swear.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Yes.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03See, not a hug.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05PHONE RINGS
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Morning, sunshine.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17You really should lock your windows, you never know who might crawl in.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Where's...?- Your little lady friend? She's in the shower.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Sorry if my hands are cold.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Why are you...? Ugh!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Gwen told me about your little rekindling.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Little? She said it was average plus.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35See, my little Gwenny, she tells me everything.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Looks like you forgot to tell her something, though.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40She's just a friend!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42In crotchless panties?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Those are for ventilation.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Ow!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I used to be like you, sticking my dick in every hole.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Enough booze, I would have put it in a Hoover. Problem is,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56it doesn't have the answers and it's reckless.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59My dick's not the one that got knocked up by Casper, the Emo Ghost.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- Oh!- Looks like she doesn't tell you everything.- I don't believe you.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07If I'm lying, I'll let you come back and finish the job off.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08I'll even let you have my Hoover.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16I'd go and see a doctor if I was you. I think I felt a lump.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22I'm so late. I'm supposed to be singing at this lesbian wedding in an hour.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25It's freezing. Why's the window open?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Are you all right? You look pale.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I think I felt a lump.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33DOORBELL RINGS
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Sam, I'm getting a little bit tired of all these surprise visits.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Sorry, I know I'm early.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I was going to wait in my car, but I had a grande macchiato
0:15:41 > 0:15:44and I'm bursting. Can I please use your loo?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Oh, God, you forgot about our meeting, didn't you?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- No, toilet is right there. - Oh, God. Thank you. Thank you.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Let's get you to this lesbian wedding. Who's on the phone?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56It's your nephew. He seems really upset.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58He said he had something really important to tell me.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Andy, I need to get my hair clip from the bathroom.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- No, you don't. Your hair looks amazing down.- That's sweet,
0:16:04 > 0:16:05but I really should get it.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07TOILET FLUSHES
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Who's in there?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- It's erm...- Hairdressers again.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13No, custody case. The full waterworks.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18- Aw, poor thing. OK, well, give her a hug from me.- Yeah, I will.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Ah...
0:16:20 > 0:16:24That's better. Who were you talking to?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Myself.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I thought I heard a woman's voice.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35Yes, I am very in touch with my feminine side.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38That explains the hair clip.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Do you mind if I borrow it, I left mine at home?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43No, sure, knock yourself out.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I think you're going to love this.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Oh, The Adicts, sounds...lovely.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54I'm not sure it's quite right for the children though.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56You're kidding, the kids are going to love this.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I was getting stoned listening to this when I was 13.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- You started smoking pot when you were 13?- No, 11.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Do you want to get mashed up? It'll make this music sound even better.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Oh, erm...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I really, er... No.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Thank you.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- I've made you feel uncomfortable, haven't I?- No, I'm comfortable.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17This sofa's very soft
0:17:17 > 0:17:20and I've got my rape whistle with me.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21I'm kidding.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Forget it, it's fine.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29I've done it again. I'm always doing this.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Things are going well, I'm being interesting...
0:17:31 > 0:17:32I was being interesting, right?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Very, it was like a Ted Talk.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Then we go and ruin it all.- No.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43Look, if you want to hit up your bong,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45you go for it.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46I might even have a puff.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49MUSIC: "Zorro Is Back" by Oliver Onions
0:17:49 > 0:17:51# Here's to being free
0:17:53 > 0:17:55# Here's to you and me
0:17:56 > 0:17:59# Here's to being free
0:17:59 > 0:18:02# La, la, la, la, la, la Zorro's back
0:18:12 > 0:18:14# It's fun to be
0:18:14 > 0:18:16# It's fantasy
0:18:16 > 0:18:17# He's so glad
0:18:17 > 0:18:22- # To know the world as Zorro - Zor-ro... #
0:18:27 > 0:18:29So, have you really got a rape whistle?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Yeah.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35I mean, don't take it personally. I bring it to my knitting circle.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38I've heard them bitches be crazy.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45You know, the class did an essay on three people they admired.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Errol picked Alexander Fleming for penicillin,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Edward Jenner for the smallpox vaccine
0:18:54 > 0:18:57and you.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58- Me?- Uh-huh.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00What did I do?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02You're a good person.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06You're a good teacher.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14PHONE RINGS
0:19:14 > 0:19:15It's Errol.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19OK. This better be a real emergency.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I'm talking broken leg or alien abduction minimum.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Do you know what a cloaca is?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27'It's the hole chickens poop and lay eggs out of.'
0:19:27 > 0:19:31They use it for everything. Everything. Even, coitus.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- Coitus?- It's another word for...
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I know what coitus is. I thought you had your phone confiscated.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Murray Thomas stole it back for me. We're best friends now.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- I thought you hated that guy? - He's pretty hilarious once you get to know him.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43He mooned a goat earlier and it chased him.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Plus, he offered to buy me a subscription
0:19:45 > 0:19:47to New Scientist magazine.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- That's worth £35. - You cheap slut.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Yeah, so, I don't need you to pick me up any more.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54'Perfect. Then you go to bed,'
0:19:54 > 0:19:56cos I've got to go and make sweet coitus
0:19:56 > 0:19:59and, if I'm lucky, she'll let me play with her cloaca.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23# Melodie, girl, look what you did
0:20:23 > 0:20:27# You're on the teaching staff And you're great with kids
0:20:27 > 0:20:30# You're caring and you're sensitive
0:20:30 > 0:20:35# But you just don't turn me on like Shelly
0:20:35 > 0:20:38# Shelly, girl, you're irresistible
0:20:38 > 0:20:42# You're talented and you rock my world
0:20:42 > 0:20:46# You're just like me except you are a girl
0:20:46 > 0:20:51# But you've got no self-esteem Like Gwen does
0:20:51 > 0:20:54# Gwen, Gwen, you're in my head
0:20:54 > 0:20:57# I remember every word you said
0:20:57 > 0:21:02# And the time you chained me to my bed
0:21:02 > 0:21:06# I just can't choose between
0:21:06 > 0:21:10# I don't know how I'll carry on
0:21:10 > 0:21:13# You're all perfect except for one thing wrong
0:21:13 > 0:21:17# If I could only roll you in to one
0:21:17 > 0:21:22# I guess I'll have to fuck you all
0:21:22 > 0:21:25# I love you each despite your flaws
0:21:25 > 0:21:29# I'll be the man you each adore
0:21:29 > 0:21:33# It's the only way it can work for sure
0:21:33 > 0:21:40# There's enough of me to spread round and round and round. #
0:21:54 > 0:21:55That's really good.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59It's my ex. I'm going to use it as an ashtray.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02That way I can smash every fag end into his face.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Cool.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I remember after I got separated, I went through the wedding album
0:22:06 > 0:22:09and cut Ben's crotch out of every photo.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12They're all in an envelope now. Hundreds of tiny crotches.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13It was oddly soothing.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Oh, God, I wish I was your age again.
0:22:15 > 0:22:1935? Why? My boobs are starting to drop.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I don't care about boobs dropping.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- I want to be your age so I can relapse again.- Huh?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25You're young in drug years.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27You can relapse at least three more times.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Some of my best highs were after I fell off the wagon.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I got pregnant during a relapse.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36You've got some great times ahead of you.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39You know, I'm really glad Agnes talked me into being your sponsor.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- She did?- Said there was something special about you.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I'm beginning to see that now.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49DOORBELL RINGS
0:22:49 > 0:22:50TELEPHONE PINGS
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Shit!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- It's my landlord, I'm not allowed girls over.- What? Why?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02He's in love with me. It's a weird jealousy thing. Quick, come with me!
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- What's that banging? - It's the wind. Global warming.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Hide in the bathroom?
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Did you tell Dad I was knocked up?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Me? Pffff, maybe, yeah.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- Andy!- I had no choice. He literally had me by the balls.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23DOORBELL RINGS
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Are you going to get that?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- It's probably just my sister.- You can't leave her out there, can you?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31All right. I'll get rid of her. Don't move.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Surprise delivery for Mr King!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Come over here and open it. - I'm sorry, Shell, I can't right now.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I think I'm coming down with something.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- We should get you to bed then. - No! I don't want to get you sick.
0:23:43 > 0:23:49I think it's swine flu. So, er, you should probably go.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51DOORBELL RINGS
0:23:52 > 0:23:54You going to get that?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57She's insane! I know why Joplin and Hendrix OD'd now.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00It was from hanging out with her! You have to help me get rid of her.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Who? - My sponsor. She's parking the car.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I told her you were a musician and she insisted on meeting you.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09- You better get your will ready because you're going to be dead in an hour.- Hi, Sam.- Oh, hi, Shelly.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Ah! There's nothing like the smell of a musician's apartment.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Oh, you must be the rock star. And you must be one of his groupies.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I'm his girlfriend actually. And you are?
0:24:16 > 0:24:21I'm Suzy, Sam's sponsor. Oops! Was that meant to be a secret?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Yeah.- Oh, well. So much for being anonymous.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25WHAT is going on?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Uhh, Gwen? What are you doing here?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Shit, you're "second toothbrush".
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Is it safe to come out now?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Jesus Christ!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Oh, hi...everyone.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- I can explain this. - You're cheating on me?
0:24:38 > 0:24:42- Cheating is such an ugly word. - We didn't sleep together.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44But we did. But I'm his ex...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46You musicians are all the same.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Can I just reiterate, we didn't sleep together?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50That bra wasn't yours, was it?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53No, that was mine. Can I have it back?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56You covered for your brother's infidelity? That is so co-dependent.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Is that my hairclip? - Well, you're the worst sponsor ever.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01We didn't sleep together.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Who encourages a drug addict to relapse?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Ladies, ladies, please, calm down.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08ALL: Shut up!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Can I have my hair clip back? - Yeah, I'm so, so sorry.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14You're such a prick, Andy.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- I'll see you in group?- Yeah.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Maybe we should forget about the music project for now.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Melodie, please, wait, don't go.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28SHE BLOWS RAPE ALARM
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I like her.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Can I have my bra back now, please?
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Thank you.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42DOOR CLOSES
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What? It was my size.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Oh! I'm never answering my door again.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55That's all you learned from today?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58How about - you can't have your cake and eat it too?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01But if I bake the cake, why can't I have a slice?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Yeah, but you tried to eat three cakes.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- I think I've got a cake problem. - OK, I've got to go.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10I have to get on my knees and hope poor, sweet Agnes will take me back.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- You all right?- Yeah. It's not like I'm going to kill myself.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29PHONE BUZZES
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Stop calling me.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I don't want to hear any more rubbish stories
0:26:35 > 0:26:38about you on a farm in the middle of nowhere.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Good, because I'm at East Croydon Station.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I lied.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I knew it, you don't think I'm average plus.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50No...
0:26:50 > 0:26:51I'm not pregnant.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I just said that because I got a kick out of making you feel bad.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I'm not sorry though. What you did was disgusting and pathetic.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I know. I'm going to work on it.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03OK, well...anyway, I'm glad I got that off my chest.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Stop staring at my chest.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Casper called. He apologised for everything.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12We're getting back together.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Great.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16And there's one more thing.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18OK. Just don't hit me too hard.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Geronimo.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- What? - That's the safe word.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Seriously, you're going to pass up on goodbye-forever sex?
0:27:34 > 0:27:38It's just...there's someone waiting for me.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Who's more important than sex?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- You're in such deep shit. - Don't worry.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51The class went on a day hike while I stayed in bed faking sick.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54- They won't know I'm gone for ages. - Nicely done. What happened?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I thought you were having a great old time with your new best friend.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Murray Thomas dumped me.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00He said New Scientist was too expensive
0:28:00 > 0:28:04and then Colin Peters agreed to be his best friend for a Kinder Egg.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Relationships suck.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09We seem to have a few hours to kill before you're a wanted man.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11What do you say we swing by Legoland?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Yeah, I'd like that.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Oh, by the way, your phone bum-dialled me while I was waiting.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- Really? What did you hear? - Nothing.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Geronimo!