0:00:02 > 0:00:04'This is Shelly. Leave a message after the...
0:00:04 > 0:00:05# Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti... #
0:00:05 > 0:00:06ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS
0:00:06 > 0:00:10I'm just phoning... If, erm...
0:00:10 > 0:00:13If you think there's any chance of us getting back together...
0:00:13 > 0:00:15just give me a sign.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17DOORBELL RINGS
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Oh, what are you two doing here?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I have that tree-hugging retreat thing, remember?
0:00:21 > 0:00:23You said Roly could stay over the weekend.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Yeah, I didn't think you were being serious.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28My flat's not really child-proofed. There's rusty nails everywhere.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30He's had his tetanus jab.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Oh, come on, how can you say no to this face?
0:00:33 > 0:00:38This programme contains strong language
0:00:38 > 0:00:39What's with the giant bag?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- He's only staying for three days. - That's his tent.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44He brings it to all of his sleepovers. It keeps him safe.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45What from? Jaguars?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Germs. I wrote a song about it. Do you want to hear?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Maybe a bit later.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Why don't you go and wash your hands, darling?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Thanks for this. I feel really guilty leaving him,
0:00:53 > 0:00:57but my lawyer and my therapist say that I need to centre myself
0:00:57 > 0:00:59so I'm not a mess during the custody verdict next week.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03If I try calling, don't answer me. I need tough love.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Tough love's my specialty.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08- Shelly's stopped talking to me. - What is it with you?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Why do you only fall in love after you've ruined things horribly?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I guess I'm just...romantic that way?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17What is it with the mints?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I don't know. He's on an oral-hygiene kick.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Anyway I've got to go. I love you, munchkin!
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Call me if you need anything.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Like child-sized body bags?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I made a schedule for the next three days.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- You've laminated it. - I have a machine.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It's got everything on it. Meal times, bedtimes, poo times.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- What are we meant to be doing now? - "Explain schedule to Andy."
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Tomorrow we've got the planetarium.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42They've got a black hole exhibit.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45You want to know about black holes? Look at my bank account.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- How are we going to afford all that? - Mum gave me some pocket money.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Probably best if you let me hang on to that.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52No. You'll just waste it on beer and cigarettes.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Now, I've got biology homework to do,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57so I'm going to need total peace and quiet.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58COMPUTER GAME BLARES
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Can you turn that down, please?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Killing zombies quietly, it's like trying to fart daintily.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06It can't be done.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Why don't you have a go?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10You haven't lived until you've blown a zombie's brains out.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- If I do will you buy me sushi for dinner?- If you kill 20 zombies.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18That is run and that is fire.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26You've taken to that like a zombie...to brains.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36How are you feeling about the custody verdict?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38You're just trying to distract me so you won't have to pay for sushi.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40No, I'm serious. I mean, basically,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42you've got a judge that's going to come along
0:02:42 > 0:02:46and decide on your whole future living schedule, right?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48And we all know how much you love a schedule.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I don't mind really, as long as Mum and Dad are happy.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Yeah, but what makes you happy?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I don't know. What makes you happy?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Bingo, 20 zombies.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Yeah, hm.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02PHONE RINGS Hang on.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Hello?
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Yes.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Yes. Right now?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I mean, yeah, we can.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12OK. Thanks.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17That was Rage Records. That was Rage Records! I-I-I sent them a demo
0:03:17 > 0:03:21and a clip of us playing and Mo Khan at Rage Records,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23he wants us to come in right now for a meeting with them.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Who's Mo Khan? - Mo Khan of Rage Records!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29He's Like the Simon Cowell of Rage Records only without the moobs.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I mean, if he tweets about us once,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33we are pretty much automatically famous.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36But I can't. I haven't finished my biology homework.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38RAGE RECORDS!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I have sacrificed my entire weekend for you.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42If you come with me and do this,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I will buy you all the sushi in Tokyo.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48If they offer drinks, say yes. Always say yes to drinks.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50What if I'm not thirsty?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53That brings me to my next point - don't be weird.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Weird? How am I weird?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Do you think they'd like to hear my germ song?- No.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07We're not playing anything. Never play at meetings. It looks desperate.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Mr Khan will see you now.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11OK, most important of all -
0:04:11 > 0:04:14remember, be cool.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17MINTS CASCADE TO FLOOR
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- AMERICAN ACCENT:- Yeah. This is the one
0:04:20 > 0:04:23cos it's fucked up and I love it. Oh, shit. Gotta go.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Yo! Errol and Andy. The Bear Maximum.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Can Trix get you guys a drink? Orange juice? Coke? Vodka?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30You look like a daytime drinker.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Could I have a coconut water, please?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I'll have a Virgin Mary. Easy on the virgin.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Sit. Relax. Make yourselves at home.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Don't touch that.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42What do you think?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Wow. I love that
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Correct answer. These guys will be huge,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48like the Pet Shop Boys without the gay stuff.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- Their new single's called Man-gerie. You should check it out.- Man-gerie?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55As in men's lingerie. It's dope. Errol, you don't seem sold?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56That's just his face.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00It's nothing. It's just that picture is a bit...silly.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02You're right.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06So, what's the deal here. Are you his dad?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07I'm his uncle, actually.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Cool. You're like indie rock's answer to LMFAO.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Well, that sounds LMFAO-wesome.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16You don't say much, do you?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- I'm not weird.- Ha-ha!
0:05:18 > 0:05:23Can I just say, Mo, what an honour it would be to be on your record label.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26To be honest, I wasn't 100% sold on your demo.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29That's why I brought you in - to hear the magic for myself.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Sorry. We don't have our instruments with us.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34No probs. We've got a guitar and keyboard right over there,
0:05:34 > 0:05:36but you should go and warm up your voice.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I never warm up my voice.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39You should go warm up.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Erm, sure.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Always a first for everything.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Can I get you anything else? Cupcakes, bison burger,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56a bowl of Starmix with all the orange and yellows picked out?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Do you have any mints?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Keep them. I want to be honest with you, kid.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I'm not interested in The Bear Maximum.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05The name sucks and the sound blows.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Do you know what I am interested in, though?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Coconuts?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11You. You're the main attraction, my friend.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12When I saw you in that clip,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I knew I was looking at the next Conor Maynard.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16- Who?- Exactly.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19When I'm done with you, you'll blow the competition out the water.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I'm going to make you a pop star.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Kid, I want to sign you right now. What do you say?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26But what about my Uncle Andy?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Will you just forget about your uncle a second?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Think about you and your whole family.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32You'll be able to buy your mum a house, your dad a yacht,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35your uncle his own studio. Hell, his own label!
0:06:35 > 0:06:36You'll all be happy.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39You're not going to mess this up. You're not going to mess this up.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41You're not going to mess this up.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Are you going to mess this up?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46If you go solo, you'll be able to
0:06:46 > 0:06:49write your own songs, pick your own sound.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50You'll be rich and famous.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54If your uncle really cares about you, he'll man up and step aside.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58So what do you say? You want to be a star?
0:06:59 > 0:07:04Famous people have no privacy, so how will I go to the planetarium?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Kid, when I'm done with you, you'll be able to buy the planetarium.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13You won't regret this. I'll have the contracts drawn up for your parents to sign.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15You want me to break the news to your uncle?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17No! I'll tell him. He can be a bit sensitive.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19All right, let's do this!
0:07:19 > 0:07:20You know what?
0:07:20 > 0:07:24I have another meeting now, but we're having a party tomorrow night.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28You two should definitely come. I could introduce you to some people,
0:07:28 > 0:07:30keep this vibe going. What do you say?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34# I'm fucking famous, bitch
0:07:34 > 0:07:35# I'm also stupid rich
0:07:35 > 0:07:38# You see my plan You understand
0:07:38 > 0:07:40# Has gone without a hitch
0:07:40 > 0:07:42# I'm fucking living it
0:07:42 > 0:07:44# I do not give a shit
0:07:44 > 0:07:47# I'm in the band and in demand
0:07:47 > 0:07:49# I'm fucking famous, bitch
0:07:49 > 0:07:52RAPS: It's been a long time coming And I've finally made it
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I've been busting my arse And I'm finally famous
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I've got the world in my palms Got the girls on my arms
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I'm the man with the plan Better raise the alarm
0:07:58 > 0:08:00This is to the pricks that ever doubted my talent
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I'm fucking famouser than you so it should be apparent
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Every single dick that ever said I was shit
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Will be choking on their words when I'm spitting the hits
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I'm getting absolutely everything that I ever wanted
0:08:09 > 0:08:11If you're a legend like me then you might as well flaunt it
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I got a gold record like an over-achiever
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I bought a gold car and a golden retriever
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I jump to the front I don't know what a queue is
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Got a throne in my home that I bought from John Lewis
0:08:20 > 0:08:22All of my clothes are Abercrombie & Fitch
0:08:22 > 0:08:24They don't even fit me but I'm famous, bitch
0:08:26 > 0:08:30# I am a millionaire I live without a care
0:08:30 > 0:08:34# I'm so well known, I'm fully grown This is all my own hair
0:08:34 > 0:08:37# I got the perfect pitch
0:08:37 > 0:08:39# I sunk your battleship
0:08:39 > 0:08:41# I've got the fame, you know my name
0:08:41 > 0:08:43# I'm fucking famous, bitch! #
0:08:45 > 0:08:49ANDY CONTINUES TO HUM/GRUNT THE TUNE
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- Uncle Andy?- Mm?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Would you still be happy if you weren't famous?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59I've tried living the life of an anonymous rock star
0:08:59 > 0:09:00and it ain't pretty.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05Do you know, next week I've got an interview at Carpet Brothers.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Carpet Brothers! That's how close my life was to being over.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Every single music executive
0:09:11 > 0:09:13that has ever turned me down is going to be at that party
0:09:13 > 0:09:18and I can't wait to see the look on their faces when Mo Khan
0:09:18 > 0:09:22shows US off like his new girlfriend with the big, massive tits.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24And, yes, they are real.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25But do you know the best part about this is?
0:09:25 > 0:09:29We're going to be doing this together.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31What were you talking to Mo about when I wasn't in the room?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Planetariums.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Ha! What a couple of dorks!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39ANDY MIMICS AN EXPLOSION
0:09:39 > 0:09:40What do you think?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42You look like a vicar.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I look like a domino. I look like a sexy, sexy domino.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46People love dominos.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Domino's Pizza, Fats Domino...
0:09:48 > 0:09:49I don't think it's a good idea
0:09:49 > 0:09:51buying an expensive suit just for one night.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- You said you were broke.- So you'll be chipping in your pocket money.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- No way. That's for the planetarium. - What's more important?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Us looking good on the most important night of our lives
0:09:59 > 0:10:01or going to some planet aquarium?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03ANDY'S PHONE RINGS
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Yep?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- I told you not to answer if I called.- Sh!
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Why did you call then?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11To see if you'd answer. How's Roly? Is he missing me?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Have you been to the black hole exhibit?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15The little fella had some bad sushi last night.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- We're kind of taking it easy today. - Ugh...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Oh, no, does he want me to come home? I can be there in 45 minutes.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Sh!- (You shush!)- No, he's fine. I've got it under control.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24How are things with you?
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Great, it's really relaxing.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I have to find my tree tonight and bond with it,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30so I'll basically just be hugging a giant wooden penis.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- SH!- (Ohh...)
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Well, watch out for splinters.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Better run, Roly's sushi looks like it's coming up for an encore.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38- Ugh!- Bye.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Sh!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44MUSIC: "Satisfaction" by Benny Benassi
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Errol!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57This is stupid.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59I feel like a ventriloquist's dummy.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02This is marketing. We're a band.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03That's like being in the cool gang.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05You look like a tiny ringleader.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Those people shouldn't be smoking cigarettes. It's a fire hazard.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Don't worry. They're not smoking cigarettes.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14How long do we have to stay?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16As long as it takes to get a signed recording contract.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Kaboom! Look who just walked in.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Y'all look like two swagged-up lion tamers.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21So, how'd the talk go?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23We've discussed it and...
0:11:23 > 0:11:26The Bear Maximum is ready to sign on the dotted line.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Wow, I...don't know what to say.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Just say yes.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- Hey.- Hey!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Errol, Andy, this is Fresh Keyz.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Fresh is THE hottest producer right now.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Tell 'em who you just got out the studio with.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Dizzee.- And now he's bonkers!
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Nice to meet you, Fresh.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46My name's Andy King. I'm the lead vocalist and song-writer.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Yeah, I'm familiar with your work. - Really?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I caught one of your gigs. Really liking those lo-fi sounds.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I could...FRESH kiss you right now.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57This is the kid I was telling you about. He's like a mini Mozart.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I hope not. Mozart died at the age of 35.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02MO LAUGHS LOUDLY, THE OTHERS JOIN IN
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Someone's been on Wikipedia too much.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Beats and brains. I love it.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Rol-dog, let's leave these sound nerds to it, huh?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Want to check out the ice-cream bar I had put in?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14No can do. He's lactose intolerant.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16It's OK, Uncle Andy. I'm sure they'll have sorbet.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Man, you have got to tell him before it gets embarrassing.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23What are your views on digital versus analogue?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Well, digital's very cool right now, but analogue...
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Sex on the beach?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Whoa, don't mind if I do.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- I'll be right back!- No, it...
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Welcome to the VIP room.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- Your coconut, sir.- Thank you.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40These are the hit makers.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45I invited guys from MTV, XFM, Radio 1, Radio 2, even Radio 4.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47They begged. They're all here for you.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You're my King Kong. I discovered you and now I'm bringing you home.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Didn't King Kong die at the end?
0:12:52 > 0:12:56But he climbed the Empire State Building first. Hey, look.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59We even made T-shirts.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Guys, listen up.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I haven't been this excited about a new act
0:13:03 > 0:13:05since I caught a flash of Florence's "machine".
0:13:05 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Forget Bieber, forget Kanye. I give you...
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Errol!
0:13:10 > 0:13:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Shelly, wait!- Did you follow me here?
0:13:14 > 0:13:19No. Actually, me and Errol were personally invited here by Mo Khan.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Yeah, right. You can't come up with a better lie than that?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24No, it's true. I think he's going to sign us.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Well, good for you.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27You deserve it for being such a great guy(!)
0:13:27 > 0:13:32Shelly, what are you doing here? Since when were you a waitress?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Since a friend told me there was a catering spot at a Rage party.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37And because, if you'd spent
0:13:37 > 0:13:39one second listening while we were together,
0:13:39 > 0:13:40you'd have heard me talk about MY dreams
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- of becoming a signed recording artist.- Oh, mini pizzas.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Shelly, wait! I can help. Let me introduce you to Fresh Keyz.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49He's this hotshot producer.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Oh, my God. You'd do that for me? That's so sweet.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I mean, I'm sure you won't expect anything in return,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58like pathetic make-up sex, now, would you?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I was thinking more "hot and steamy", but I'll take "pathetic".
0:14:04 > 0:14:07ANDY'S PHONE RINGS
0:14:07 > 0:14:09You're making this tough-love thing really hard.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I know. I'm sorry. I'm having Roly withdrawals.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Can you put him on, please? I need to hear his voice.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15What's that drumming?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17It's supposed to guide me to my special tree,
0:14:17 > 0:14:20but it's doing my head in. Where are you? It sounds like a party.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Er, no. That's just my surround sound.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Watching The Hangover. Vegas, baby!
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- Errol's brushing his teeth right now, he can't talk now. Bye.- Andy?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Oh, there you are.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33What kind of amp do you use?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I'm guessing you're a vox man, right?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Erm, yeah. No, em...Marshall. Have you seen Errol?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I'm sure Mo's taking good care of him.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44You could trust him with the royal baby.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45What's going on in there?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Oh, just boring stuff.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49You can't go in there.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51It's VIP only.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52If Errol's a VIP, I'm V-VIP.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57Seriously. I can't let you in there. He'll kill me.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Fresh. What the fuck's going on?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Look...
0:15:01 > 0:15:04..my name's not Fresh. It's Norman.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05I'm an intern.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Mo asked me to keep you occupied.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Occupied from what, Norman?
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Who wants to hear what the kid can do?!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13CHEERING
0:15:13 > 0:15:14What's going on here?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I'm sorry, Mo. I tried to stop him!
0:15:16 > 0:15:17You're fired.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Dude, you were going to find out sooner or later.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I'm not signing you.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Fine. Come on, Errol.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26No. I'm not signing you. I am signing him.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32That's crazy, right? Errol? That's crazy, yeah?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Sorry. I just can't sell this drunk Elvis thing you've got going on.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38But everyone loves Elvis.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Young, cool Elvis. Not peanut butter sandwich, dead on the toilet Elvis.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44You're not current and you're definitely not cool.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Uncle Andy, wait!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54You knew the whole time, didn't you?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55I wanted to tell you.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58It's just with all the money, I can buy you a record label.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00And with Mum and Dad, I can fix everything.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I just want everyone to be happy.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I hope you're happy now.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Um, this is a song I wrote called Silent Killer
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Already sounds like a hit!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24LAUGHTER
0:16:24 > 0:16:26# Now we've all been told, Don't mix raw meat with your veg.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28# Wash your bits, pits and teeth
0:16:28 > 0:16:30# And your hands on the reg
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# Wipe down all surfaces after the slaughter
0:16:33 > 0:16:37# And rinse your cutting boards with warm soapy water
0:16:37 > 0:16:40# Now you might ask, What's a little blood splatter?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44# Well, Health and Safety is no laughing matter
0:16:44 > 0:16:48# Unless you want Salmonella E coli, Listeria and pink eye... #
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Shelly, you like my music right?
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Not now, Andy.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55No go on it's important. Please. You'd buy my album right?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Honestly? It's not really my thing.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00But I wouldn't throw it away.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I mean my nan's got me every Susan Boyle album
0:17:03 > 0:17:04and I've kept them all.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Great.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I'm, fucking, Su-Bo.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12# Sushi grade tune is the only kind of raw fish
0:17:12 > 0:17:13# Anyone should ever try to have in a raw dish
0:17:13 > 0:17:15# Otherwise louses rip off your tongue,
0:17:15 > 0:17:16# While nematodes go swimming round in your lung
0:17:16 > 0:17:18# Toxoplasmosis - you're a zombie slave to cats
0:17:18 > 0:17:20# And bubonic plague that's what you catch from rats
0:17:20 > 0:17:21# And evil chickens they're the worst of the bunch,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24# Plotting and planning on how to spoil your lunch
0:17:24 > 0:17:28# So don't accept meat from a dodgy looking fella
0:17:28 > 0:17:35# Better yet, don't eat, so you won't get salmonella. #
0:17:39 > 0:17:40FEEDBACK
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Errol, everyone! Wasn't that great?
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Smells like a number one.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49More like a number two. What the hell was that?!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- I heard someone clapping. - That was Radio 4!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- Don't you know any Bieber? - You said I could do my own songs?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Yeah, if they were about kissing girls and sexting,
0:17:56 > 0:17:57not kitchen hygiene!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- Now play something cool. - Kitchen hygiene is cool.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Not if you want to go platinum.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Now, are you going to play something else or what?
0:18:04 > 0:18:05I don't want to go platinum.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I want to go to the planetarium.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Errol!
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Rol-dog!
0:18:13 > 0:18:17I'm current. Everything moves in cycles.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Bieber's just the new David Cassidy.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Oh, you don't even fucking know who David Cassidy is.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Partridge family. '70-'74. Best TV band.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Aside from The Monkeys. Obviously.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- BOTH: Davey Jones. - Yeah, he was the shit.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33This is all my fault.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37I was the one who checked out your demo and recommended it to Mo.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I tried telling him that you guys were a good package,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41but he was only interested in the kid.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45You recommended our demo?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Yeah. I thought it was solid.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48I'd buy your album.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Hi, Mum.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Have you brushing your teeth that whole time.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- I keep telling you, two minutes is enough.- Mum, what makes you happy?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02New shoes and a comfortable bra.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I'm joking. You make me happy.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Me? Why?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Because you alphabetise all my books,
0:19:08 > 0:19:12and you tell me if I'm wearing too much make-up,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15and you write the funniest birthday cards,
0:19:15 > 0:19:19plus you're really good at picking a ripe avocado,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22and you help me finish crosswords I have no business finishing.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25And because...
0:19:27 > 0:19:31..you are the only thing in this world I know I got right.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- Night, Mum. - Night, sweetheart.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59That's it, then.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03I'm just going to work in Carpet Brothers and slowly die.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06No, man. You're a musician.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08People need to hear your music.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11So, what you're saying is, I'm not Carpet Brothers material.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Hey, man. Have you seen Errol?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Yeah, he's about this tall with no sense of loyalty.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20No, seriously. He ran out on me and I've been looking for him
0:20:20 > 0:20:22for like half an hour.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Then who's watching him?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Mo, you have come with me. This kid's being hilarious.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Errol, what are you doing?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Oh, hi, Uncle Andy. I've invented a new dance style.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Andy, what's going on?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Errol, get off the floor you're going to get dirty.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Who cares about a few germs, we're all germs really
0:20:47 > 0:20:48if you think about it.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Your face looks like a Furby.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56If I didn't know any better I'd say he's completely...
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Off his tits, yeah.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Errol, darling, has anyone given you anything to drink or eat?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Only breath mints from Mo's desk.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Didn't taste very nice though.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I keep my E in a mint tin.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07What?!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Yeah. Your nephew's tripping balls on Ecstasy.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Errol, how many mints did you have?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13One, two, three, infinity.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Want to watch me move through the Higgs field?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Higgs Bos-on! Higgs Bos-off!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Damn! Kid's going to be a legend after this.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24What the hell man!?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26You were supposed to be looking after him!
0:21:26 > 0:21:27He's not my kid!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29What do we do?
0:21:29 > 0:21:30HE RETCHES
0:21:30 > 0:21:34MUSIC: "The Only Living Boy In New York" by Simon & Garfunkel
0:21:38 > 0:21:42# I know your part will go fine
0:21:44 > 0:21:49# Fly down to Mexico
0:21:50 > 0:21:53# Da-du-da-du-da-du-da
0:21:53 > 0:21:55# And here I am
0:21:56 > 0:21:59# The only living boy in New York
0:22:03 > 0:22:05# I get the news
0:22:05 > 0:22:08# I need on the weather report... #
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Thanks.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Any news?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19He's in recovery now. The nurses says he's going to be fine.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23We can go and see him in a little while.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25This is going to blow the custody case.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28This happened on my time, Andy. My watch.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I trusted you to take care of him.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32I know. I'm sorry.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- I'll do whatever it takes to make this better, I promise.- How?!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40It wasn't my fault.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Who keeps their drugs in a mint tin?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Who takes a 12-year-old to a party with drugs!?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I can explain.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Ben, wait!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Excuse me. The family can come through now.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59No, not you. You're not going anywhere near my son.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Sam?
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Just go home, Andy.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Shelly...
0:23:08 > 0:23:09..where are you going?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- Home. - You could stay?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I never thought I'd say this,
0:23:13 > 0:23:14but I think out of everyone
0:23:14 > 0:23:16you probably hate me the least right now.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Andy, I'm used to being the crazy one in a relationship,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21but you, you just blow me out the water.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26But it wasn't my fault.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27It was a little bit your fault.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59PHONE RINGS
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Hey. How are you feeling?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Good. No lasting brain damage. But I'm still keeping an eye on it.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Are you back at school yet?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Yeah. They made me a gluten free cake.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Is everyone this nice when you have an overdose?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I wish.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Do you know of the verdict yet?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24No. Your mum said three.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27When can I come over and play video games?
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Mr King?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Look, I've got to go. Bye.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Would you say you work well with others?
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Definitely. People love me.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43At school I was voted most likely to start a cult.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45What would you say is like the toughest choice
0:24:45 > 0:24:46you've ever had to make?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Whopper or Big Mac. I still can't decide.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51One of them flame grilled, the other one's a double patty.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52It's like Sophie's Choice in a way, isn't it?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55You've been working as a babysitter. How did that come about?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I got that gig through a family connection.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I can't handle kids, personally. Don't have the patience for them.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01I know what you mean.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04It's weird, one minute you want to throw them in the river
0:25:04 > 0:25:07tied to a bag of rocks, the next minute you find yourself...
0:25:10 > 0:25:14..doing the most ridiculous things in order to make them happy.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Excuse me.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Objection!
0:25:29 > 0:25:30- Oh, shit.- Oh, shit.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32We're in the middle of a hearing.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Your honour, that's my sister sitting right there.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38And she doesn't deserve to have her boy taken away because of me.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39I'm the fuck up.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I'm a 31-year-old nobody musician
0:25:41 > 0:25:46who can't hold down a job or a relationship.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49I lie for fun, I hurt everyone I care about.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52I've used a sock as toilet paper...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54on more than one occasion.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I'm a shabby battering ram
0:25:56 > 0:25:58and it's my fault Errol ended up in hospital.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00It was my fault and my fault alone.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Don't punish Sam cos of my mistakes.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05She's a great mum and he's a great kid.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07He's taught me how to de-scale a kettle,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09the correct way to fold T-shirts.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12He's just taught me the meaning of "homo erectus"
0:26:12 > 0:26:15and it's not what you think it is.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I swear I won't go near that kid again.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Just don't ruin his childhood because of me.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24He was just starting to get normal.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Um. The defence rests.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Andy, wait!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I'm sorry. That was a bad idea.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40I think I've just made things a lot worse.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08DOORBELL RINGS
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Roly? What are you doing here?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16You wouldn't return my calls.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- Sorry, mate. The restraining order... - Doesn't say anything about calling.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Seriously, you should go. I mean, 200 metres.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23We're already breaking the law as it is.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Since when do you care about the law?
0:27:25 > 0:27:26I'm taking the bus home now,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30so if you factor in traffic, road works, delays,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32that could easily give us an hour.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33An hour for what?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38So...how are you doing?
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Yeah. Shared custody isn't that bad, really.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Mum and Dad are in better moods now.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Oh, I made a new schedule.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Oh, yeah.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52It's good seeing you.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Yeah.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Whatever.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00MUSIC: "Me And You" by Jake Bugg