0:00:02 > 0:00:06MUSIC: Ave Maria by Franz Schubert
0:00:12 > 0:00:13This is nice.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16You're telling me.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20I don't think I've been this relaxed since the womb.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22But then, that might have been foetal alcohol syndrome.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24SHE LAUGHS
0:00:24 > 0:00:26You're very cute.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29As in manly cute? Yeah? As in Chuck Norris cute?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36The best thing about you is that you know how to keep things casual.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39It's so refreshing to find a guy
0:00:39 > 0:00:41who knows he's not built for relationships.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Hello?
0:00:52 > 0:00:53What?!
0:00:53 > 0:01:00This programme contains some strong language.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01DOOR OPENS
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Well? What have you got to say for yourself?
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- Sorry?- Yeah, you should be. I mean, cheating in a test is one thing,
0:01:06 > 0:01:08but getting caught, that is just embarrassing.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Well, I didn't actually cheat. I was pretending.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Pathetically intriguing - I'll bite.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16I figured if I got caught cheating, people might think I'm cool.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- People?- Well, a person. Willow.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- She's in a dance crew!- Not a chance, mate. You're too uptight.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Uptight? I've opened a chess match using the King's gambit.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Touch the floor.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Full palm.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Now, touch your face.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41See. It's no problem. I have to go.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Melodie?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- I thought I heard music. - Andy, hi. How've you been?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Been good, yeah. I've been on the, er...5:2 diet.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I'm surprised you recognised me. You should try it.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Not that you need to... You, you look fine.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- How've you been? - Yeah, I'm good. Fat, but good.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Yeah. You know about the last time...
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Oh, God, no! Forget about it. It's all in the past.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I'm sorry I blew my rape whistle at you.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08It was so stupid. I don't have it any more so...
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Oh, really?- Yeah, now I just carry a rape knife.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16So...friends?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Yeah... No, I, I don't know. I mean, how many female friends
0:02:19 > 0:02:20do you actually have, Andy?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Um... DOOR OPENS
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- There you are!- Oh, Ryan!
0:02:23 > 0:02:27This is Andy. Andy, this is Ryan, my...colleague.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Andy is Errol's uncle.- Errol's a great kid. Like a little Stephen Hawking.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33IN AN ELECTRONIC VOICE: It is his voice.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37- I like your T-shirt. I'm a massive Costello fan.- Favourite album?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- This Year's Model.- Favourite collaboration?- Painted From Memory with...
0:02:40 > 0:02:41BOTH: ..Burt Bacharach in '98.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Maybe I should leave you two alone together? - DOOR OPENS
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Oh, hey, Errol. What's up, dude?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Oh, hello Mr Sardson. Just washed my hands.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Brilliant. Um, well, it was great meeting you, Andy.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58So how long has Ms Thomas been dating that Ryan clown?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00A while. He and Ms Thomas seem good together.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02What's that supposed to mean?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Mr Sardson's a good guy. He's a great history teacher.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06He just seems like good boyfriend material.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- I'm good boyfriend material.- You think 'To Let' signs are hilarious
0:03:09 > 0:03:11because they almost spell 'Toilet'.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Well, they do, don't they!- What's the longest relationship you've ever had?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17More of a quality-over-quantity kind of guy.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20What quality is that then? Commitment-a-phobia?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24OK, so coolness is all about the three S's.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Sight, sound and you've got swagger, right? Let's start with sight.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29You need to have a cool face.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Like you're sucking on a lemon but you find it slightly amusing.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I mean, you look like you're having a stroke.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Fine, we'll move on to sound.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42A cool voice can pretty much make anything sound amazing. Observe.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45IN A HUSKY VOICE: I've just had my boiler fixed.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49- IN A HUSKY VOICE:- Did you see that episode of Countdown last night?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51OK, last up is swagger.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Got to walk like you've got a tiny little limp from an old
0:03:53 > 0:03:55shrapnel injury but you don't care.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Go on.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59I said shrapnel, not cannon ball.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01All right, fine if you can't master the three S's,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- you've got one more option. - Buy my way to the top?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Be dangerous.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- Stick those in your pocket. - You want me to steal?
0:04:08 > 0:04:13No. Stealing is wrong. I want you to shoplift. Shoplifting is badass.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Put them in your pocket.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Hello? Are you going to pay for that?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22LEG IT!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Em... Keep the change.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30What do you think's cooler? @FeralErrol or @HolyRoly?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32How about @Errol69?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I wasn't born in 1969.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Why do you suddenly care about social networking?
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Cos then Willow might notice me.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I mean, at the moment she only talks to me when I do her homework.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Whoa. Whoa. Back up. Cool people don't do other people's homework.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Yeah, but she pays me. And I'm saving up for a microscope. - You know what you need?
0:04:46 > 0:04:51- An account that gets the whole school talking. People love controversy. - You mean like who's been putting
0:04:51 > 0:04:55- recyclable bottles in the ordinary rubbish bin? I think it's Spencer Bennett.- No. I mean
0:04:55 > 0:04:57who's dating who. Student fights, faculty romances. The juice.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00You mean gossip? I can't do that. I'll get in trouble.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03That's why you're going to have a pseudonym.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Welcome to...
0:05:07 > 0:05:09..TripleTrouble69.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11How's being anonymous going to prove to Willow that I'm cool?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Cos you can't have the big reveal until you have the superhero identity.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Nobody gave a toss about Peter Parker before he was Spider-Man.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I can't do it. It's too risky.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20DOOR SLAMS FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
0:05:21 > 0:05:22- Hi, Mum.- Don't you "Hi, Mum" me.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25What were you thinking - cheating on a test?!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- That is so unlike you.- You don't know me. Maybe I'm dangerous.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Maybe I'm Spider-Man.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Spider-Man doesn't throw bread out two days before the best by date.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Mould is nothing to be trifled with.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36But how would other parents handle this situation?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Send me to my room?- Go to your room now! And no TV!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42But what about University Challenge?! It's the semifinals.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Fine, University Challenge. But that is it!
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Do you think I've got commitment-a- phobia?
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- No. You're just shit at relationships.- I'm the only one here that's in a relationship.- What?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55With the cougar? I thought it was a fling. Has she held your hand in public yet?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- What's that got to do with it?- I give it a week. Now, listen to this.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02Ben wants me to meet his girlfriend, Veronica, to "open the channels of communication for Roly's sake."
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Why do I need to communicate with a complete stranger about my son?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08She didn't squeeze him out of her vagina? She didn't breast feed him for three years.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10What would you say to a client?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12I would say, "Go into the situation with an open mind
0:06:12 > 0:06:14"and leave your baggage with Ben at the door."
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Sounds good.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Fuck that. I'm going to sit there quietly and judge the bitch.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Hang on, Errol was breast-fed till he was three?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27You better finish that - you're going to need your strength.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31What if we don't tonight? You know, we could just talk.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Seriously, eat it up. I need you out the house by 10.30. I have an early start.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Don't you get lonely, in that big house all by yourself?
0:06:38 > 0:06:42I have plenty of friends to keep me company - in the short term.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Just curious, what qualities are you looking for in the long term?
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Well, a good listener. Funny without trying too hard.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Great taste in music, but not afraid of the cheesy stuff.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Like, he could listen to Wet Wet Wet without being cynical.
0:06:55 > 0:07:00He's loyal, caring, well-read - and a good role model for kids.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03And independently wealthy.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04SHE CHUCKLES
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- What are you doing?- Paying?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Don't be silly. It's not like this was a date.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Tiffany, do you think I'm cool?
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Yes.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- Really?- No.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- IN A HUSKY VOICE:- Er... Hi, Willow.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43What's up with your voice?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45It's just a cold. How's it hanging?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47All good, little man. Have you got the homework?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Sure do, yeah, er...a big man.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53I added a few extra misspellings to account for your dyslexia.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- How do you know I'm dyslexic? - Your tweets.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Oh, you'll like this joke.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- What do dyslexic zombies eat?- What?
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Brians!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Um... Yeah, anyway, um...
0:08:02 > 0:08:06I just came to say that my homework services will be coming to an end,
0:08:06 > 0:08:10unfortunately, but um...we can still hang on Twitter.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13My handle's @TheFeralErrol.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Don't worry, I won't bite.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Tammy just tweeted that Mr Isles is so old he shits fossils!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Tammy is jokes!
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Yeah, he's so old that his farts are made of background radiation.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28So when he makes a big bang, it's actually from the Big Bang.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29HE GIGGLES
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Samantha?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35(Don't let her win. Don't let her win.)
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Hi, I'm Veronica. It's so good to meet you.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Please, sit down.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Do you prefer if I call you Sam or Samantha?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Samantha's good.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46I love your top.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Oh, thanks. Primarni sale.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I love them! They're SO cheap.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52VERONICA CHUCKLES
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh, God - I don't mean that YOU'RE cheap.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I mean, I get all my socks from the Pound Store
0:08:56 > 0:08:58so I'm in no position to judge.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02It's fine. I like my clothes like I like my men slightly damaged.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Ben said you were funny. And you're a therapist, right?
0:09:08 > 0:09:09That must be so interesting.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Yeah, I love crazy people. That's why I married Ben!
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Look, if my ex asked me to meet his girlfriend,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I don't think I'd be cool with it.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22But I just wanted to tell you that I'm not here to
0:09:22 > 0:09:26step on your authority or try and get Roly to call me Mum.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I mean, you've done such a great job with him, you don't need my help.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32And we don't even have to be friends, if you don't want.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Also if you do, that's fine too.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35But I just...
0:09:35 > 0:09:40just wanted to say hi, really. So - hi.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43How was that? I think I did better in the mirror.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Oh, thank God, you're normal.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Are you ladies ready to order?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48What would you like, Samantha? It's on me.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Oh, please, call me Sam.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- Whatever it is, the answer's no. - 'What?'
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- You're my baby brother, can't I call you for a casual chat?- 'Fine.'
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- How did your coffee go with Ben's future ex?- 'Great.'
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- I've invited them both to a party at mine tomorrow.- Why would you do that?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Because Ben asked me to meet her so I would fail.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19But now, I'll be his worst
0:10:19 > 0:10:21'nightmare. I am going to become Veronica's'
0:10:21 > 0:10:24best friend. I win. So you'll be coming to my party tomorrow?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- I knew it! No way.- 'Oh, come on!'
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I need as many people as possible or I won't look cool.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- 'You can bring your cougar...' - LINE BEEPS
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Other call. I've got to go.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Hey, sexy.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Er... Uncle Andy?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh, God, hello.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38'What do you want?'
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I just tweeted, "Why are the cubes in men's urinals always blue?
0:10:41 > 0:10:42"Hashtag sexist?"
0:10:42 > 0:10:44'And that is funny. Not to mention'
0:10:44 > 0:10:47a biting social commentary. But it got zero retweets!
0:10:47 > 0:10:48'Even Murray Thomas gets'
0:10:48 > 0:10:51a couple of favourites when he posts clips of his blind cat farting.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- Nobody likes you. What's your point? - I'm ready to be Spider-Man.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Do you think it's true? About Mr Sardson cheating on Ms Thomas?
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Don't know. Who cares?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Everyone's talking about it. Who do you think TripleTrouble69 is?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I think it's Spencer Bennett.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Well, I don't know. I think maybe this chap might be even cooler than Spencer.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Or dumber.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Look, excuse me.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Hi, Willow. What do you think of that um...TripleTrouble guy?
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Crazy stuff, right?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Yeah. Whoever wrote all that shiz is a ledge.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Yes, he's definitely a 'ledge'...
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Hey, why do you sit with that Tiffany girl?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Ain't she a bit...weird?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Oh, here we go.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58THEY CHANT
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I could have waited in the car if you're just coming up for a book.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Is this a party?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Oh, yeah. I guess it is.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17This'll only take a sec.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Ah, I miss living here.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- You lived here?- Just loaning it to my sister and her kid until they get back on their feet.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25If I'm honest, it was more space than I needed.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29And how exactly does an ex-Carpet Brothers employee afford two flats?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Well, I found a toe in a kebab I had a couple of years ago
0:12:31 > 0:12:34and I poured all the settlement money into property. And as for Carpet Brothers,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- I was only working that day cos I was helping out a mate.- How didn't I know any of this?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- You never asked.- There you are!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Hi, Sam. Teresa, this is Sam, my sister.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- It's a pleasure to meet you. - This place is great.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I'm sure that's not how Andy left it.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Er... Yeah, no, no.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50We had to get the old makeover police in.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Do you mind if I use your loo?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- Yeah, sure, it's just there. - Thank you.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Phwoar. Fuck me. She's classy. Good luck keeping that one.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Yeah, just make me look like boyfriend material for tonight.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- Who are these jokers? - I went through my Facebook
0:13:02 > 0:13:05and I invited all the coolest people I know to impress Veronica.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07How did you make the cut? SHE GIGGLES
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Ow!
0:13:08 > 0:13:12KNOCKING ON DOOR Hey, Rolio Iglesias.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17It worked! TripleTrouble69 has 500 followers. And Willow's eating out of the palm of my hand.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I think I might have caused a fight between Mr Sardson and Ms Thomas though.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Should I feel bad about making up fake gossip?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Nah.- Good! Because I'm about to tweet that Mr Hamish, my gym teacher,
0:13:25 > 0:13:29has been stealing Tampax from the girls loo. That should teach him for calling me wheezy.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Nice work. Listen, I've got my girlfriend here and I need you to tell her what a great uncle I am.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34- Sure. I can lie.- There you are.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Hey, Teresa! This is my nephew, Errol.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Hello, nephew Errol. How come you're not out enjoying the party?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I don't like parties. Tell me, do you play the lottery, Teresa?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Sometimes, when there's a rollover. - Hmm. Then you'll know the odds
0:13:46 > 0:13:48of winning are about one in 14 million.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52The world population is over seven billion. And Uncle Andy is one in seven billion.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54So that's like winning the lottery 500 times.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56"It could be you."
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Thanks for that, Rain Man.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- When I grow up, I want to be just like Uncle Andy.- Whoa.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Let's have a listen to this.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I mean, he's loyal, dependable, great with strangers...
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Well, sounds like he'd make an excellent Labrador.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Well, not to mention funny and musically talented and free of any communicable diseases.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13ANDY GIGGLES I can't believe it either.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for Uncle Andy.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- When I took that drugs overdose... - Hey, let's get to the party!
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Oh, hi, guys!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Ben, Veronica, this my brother Andy's new friend, Teresa.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Don't worry, we won't hold it against you. Nice shirt, Andy.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Does it come with a seizure warning?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30THEY LAUGH
0:14:30 > 0:14:33What a joker. Come here for a hug, big guy.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34(Just go along with what I say.)
0:14:34 > 0:14:38So are you still on for that round of golf that you promised me?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- What?- Since when did you like gol...?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Andy's like Tiger Woods.- What, you mean like he's a sex addict?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45THEY LAUGH
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- I love your dress.- Oh, thank you.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49It's the only thing from my first marriage worth keeping.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I didn't know you were divorced?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- You never asked.- Well, at least your ex bought you a dress.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56For Christmas once, Ben bought me a screwdriver set.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58That was to build Roly's cot with.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Shame on you, Ben. Making a pregnant woman build a cot.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Oh! I swear, if you don't put a ring on this one, I will.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- VERONICA:- Can I get that in writing?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Oh, thank you! It's so great to finally meet you, Andy.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Ben has told me so many stories.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18My favourite is the one when you got arrested at his stag do
0:15:18 > 0:15:21in Barcelona dressed as a condom.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22I'm all about family planning.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- BEN:- So what do you do, Teresa?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Oh, it's really quite boring. I'm a parliamentary lawyer.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28ALL: Oooh...
0:15:28 > 0:15:29So cool.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Yeah. Um... I...
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I snogged Liam Gallagher once!
0:15:33 > 0:15:38Well, I, like, I think I'm 99.999% sure that it's...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- Hey, Rolster.- Hi, Roly.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Um... Uncle Andy, I need your help with a music project.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Life of a role model, eh?
0:15:46 > 0:15:47- We have a situation. - You're telling me.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Teresa's a divorced parliamentary lawyer! And I still have a He-Man duvet cover.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- I can't handle this adult shit. - You're having a low self-esteem attack. You're worth loving.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59- Just keep telling yourself that. - OK - I'm worth loving, I'm... - Not now! Willow's just PM'd me.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02She says, "You're proper jokes. Who are you? X." She put an X.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I'm never going to wash my screen again. Do I tell her it's me?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- No. Don't write anything. Just play it cool.- How about, "Wouldn't you like to know, babes?"
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Or - "Babycakes?" That's a bit more urban.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Babycakes isn't urban, it's weird.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Now. What can I do to impress Teresa?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Well, she's only heard how great you are from family.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19So it might mean more to hear it from a friend.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22What's up, guys? I thought I heard your voice, Andy.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Is this is where the real party's at? Whoop! Whoop!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Thanks for inviting us, by the way. It's very cool of you.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I thought you would flip when I asked you to meet Veronica.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Why would I flip? She's great. We're adults.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I don't see why we can't all be friends.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I'm so glad you said that. I really wanted your approval.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Especially now we're moving in together.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Oh, I love Twiglets. You remembered.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48We're going. I'm in heat and I can't take any more small talk.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49In a second.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53But first, I would like to introduce you to my old friend, Bruce.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Well, not that old, really.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Bruce is also divorced.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I'm just glad I could be there for him.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Oh, yes, I don't know where I'd be without Andy.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- He's my rock.- What are friends for? Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Yeah, I'm not really much of a crier.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16No, well, he cries like an orphaned seal pup, so...
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Bruce! I'm so glad you could make it.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21There he is! Bruce. I've been missing you at kids' footy practice.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23This is Veronica, my significant other.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Bruce's step-daughter goes to the same school as Roly.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Well, ex step-daughter. Hang in there, mate.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30We're still in contact.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Sam. These are for you.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Oh, wow! Chocolate. My favourite.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Well, you'd better share some of those.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Oh, you'll have to mud wrestle me for them.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Oh, thank you so much, Bruce, that's so sweet.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Hello... Your stomach is rock hard.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Have you been working out? - That's just from all the crying.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I guess I naturally have trouble putting on weight.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- Hey, listen, can I get you a drink? - Do you have any cranberry juice?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54For you, I've got it all.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49And so, I gave them my shoes and I walked home.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52What's so funny about being mugged at gunpoint for your shoes?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54It is the way he told it, sweetie.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Actually, it was pretty funny.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59I guess getting divorced really puts perspective on things.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- SAM:- Bruce, how's your cranberry?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Er...delicious.- Can I try some, do you mind?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Mmmm... Mmm...
0:19:06 > 0:19:09SAM GIGGLES
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I'm going to get some more, wait there.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16I'll be right back.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- What the fuck is going on with Bruce?- Nothing. I'm just being friendly.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24- Even Stevie Wonder can see that you're cock teasing him.- Fine. So what if I am?
0:19:24 > 0:19:28It's nice to get a bit of male attention. And um...Ben has asked Veronica to move in with him.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- Why do you care? Ben's an arsehole. - Yeah, but he was my arsehole first!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Bruce is a mate. If you're not serious, don't mess with his head.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36You're one to talk. You barely speak to him and you're making Teresa think
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- you stay up all night painting each other's toenails!- We might do. You don't know.- Ggrr!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43And despite all his suggested anti-prostitution bills,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46who do you think spends the most on out-of-town expenses?
0:19:46 > 0:19:47THEY CHUCKLE
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Well, we should get going before MI5 slap a gag order on me.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- Oh, but you just got here.- I know, but I want to get home before my son does.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55BRUCE: Oh, you have a son. How old?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Not quite old enough to move out, unfortunately.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Andy, will you get my coat? And don't forget your book.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02- What book?- Is it a colouring book?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04HE LAUGHS
0:20:04 > 0:20:08No, er... Errol's returning my copy of War And Peace to me.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09I love Russian lit.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Oh, yeah? Who wrote it?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15If you don't know that, Ben,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I'm not going to tell you.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20She's got an old son.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I can't be with someone that's got an old son.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- Why are you dressed like a bell-end? - I've been exchanging messages with Willow.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I'll reveal my identity to her on Skype. I know you told me not to reply,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31but she was just so engaging. I couldn't help myself.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34And they say the brain is the greatest love organ.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Well, I've never chaffed my brain.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Listen, relationships are messy.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40You can't help who you end up with, whether it's a pint-sized
0:20:40 > 0:20:42urban street dancer or a parliamentary lawyer.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46It's all a beautiful mystery. Like prime numbers.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Now, go out there and embrace the new you.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51The you that isn't afraid of life's responsibilities but tackles them
0:20:51 > 0:20:54head-on like a salmon swimming upstream for mating season.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Don't salmon die after mating?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Well, it's better than being eaten by a grizzly bear.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Everyone, can I have your attention?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I've got something I need to say to you.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10This flat isn't mine.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I'm not independently wealthy and I've never read any Theo Tolstoy.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Leo Tolstoy.- I don't care that you've got an adult son
0:21:16 > 0:21:18and I don't care that you've got a big important job.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22I just want you to know that Andy's ready for a grown-up relationship.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33# I feel it in my fingers
0:21:33 > 0:21:37# I feel it in my toes
0:21:37 > 0:21:40# Love is all around you... #
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Thanks. I don't think I could have survived the chorus.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I'm not an idiot, Andy, I knew you were lying. I am a lawyer.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Well, then, why didn't you say something?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52It's been a while since anyone's made the effort and it was sweet.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54And, of course, I like when men humiliate themselves.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Well, you get sexier by the minute.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I'm sorry, Andy. I can't do this.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- But you held my hand? That means something.- Yes.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03It means I was trying to get you to leave.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Look. I know we're like chalk and cheese, but why can't we be together?
0:22:08 > 0:22:09I'm married.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11No. You're divorced.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Yes. From my first husband. I'm still married to my second.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Even if he is away most of the time.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17But where's your ring?
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Look, I like my life the way it is. It's tidy.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Nobody gets hurt. Usually.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34I want a fling, that's it. If you're looking for something more, you need to look elsewhere.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37But if you can handle barn-storming sex with a powerful,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39older woman, no strings attached
0:22:39 > 0:22:43and the occasional all expenses paid meal or trip, then...
0:22:43 > 0:22:44I'm your gal.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47So what's it going to be?
0:22:57 > 0:22:58KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- Sam, you all right?- Yeah, yeah.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I just get a little sad whenever I hear Wet Wet Wet.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05God, the '90s sucked!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Are you sure it's nothing that I've said?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I haven't upset you or...?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11How could you upset me?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13You're the nicest fucking person in the world.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I knew it. You do hate me.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18No. I don't hate you.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23Oh, it's like someone else wearing your old...bra.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28I mean, sure, it had some holes in it and the wire, like,
0:23:28 > 0:23:29dug into your pits, but it was yours.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32And it's really hard to find a good bra.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I just really wanted you to like me.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I thought we could be friends.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Well, you're dating my ex, so that's going to be a bit tricky.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42But I can see that Ben is the luckiest man in the world
0:23:42 > 0:23:44to have you. Fucking bastard.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Can I ask you something?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Yeah, sure.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52You know his left ball, that lump...
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- Oh, yeah, no, it's always been like that.- Oh, phew.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Um...by the way, Ben told me the big news.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- He did?- Hmm.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Oh. I thought we were going to keep it a secret until the ring was ready.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- What?- Yeah, he proposed before having a ring picked out.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I mean, you know how impulsive he can be.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Oh, God.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I am SO sorry.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Oh, don't tell him that I told you.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23And please don't tell Errol. Because I know
0:24:23 > 0:24:25that he wants to break the news to him when the time's right.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Oh, God, now you must definitely hate me.- No. No.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30No - I'm freaking pumped!
0:24:30 > 0:24:31You really mean that?
0:24:31 > 0:24:37Definitely. You are going to make him a very, very happy bra.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39So, how is it being back in the workforce?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- All right. A little bit tedious. - Well, you know what they say -
0:24:41 > 0:24:44if it was supposed to be fun, they wouldn't call it work!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Don't fuck Sam.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- Are we ready to go?- Yup. I think we're all sorted here.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Bruce? You coming?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Yes. I'm going to go with them.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Oh, all right, OK.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Bye!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03RINGING TONE
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Uh... Errol?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Yes, Willow. It's me. Now, I know you're thinking, you must be thinking,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12"How can TripleTrouble69 and Errol both be the same person, when he's so cool?"
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Well, I'll tell you. Because, Willow, I am cool.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17You just couldn't see it before.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20But now that you know my secret, we can be cool together.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Willow, will you go out with me?
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Wow. Errol. You're a crazy little man.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Respect. But I'm sorry, I only go with fit dancers.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I can dance. I've got the moves.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Yeah? Let's see 'em.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38MUSIC PLAYS
0:25:48 > 0:25:52LAUGHTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:55This will make a great Vine.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Thanks for the lolz, little man.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Thanks for coming.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Can I sit here?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Do what you like.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- Have you seen it?- Yep.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57How bad is it?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00'I am TripleTrouble69.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02'I've got the moves.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06'We can be cool together.'
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Um... Tiff...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I'm sorry that I acted like an idiot.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15You're my best friend. And I...
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I swear I'll never blank you again.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20OK.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Hey, Errol.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I don't care what anyone says. I think your dancing was cute.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Thanks, Ruby.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31TANNOY: 'Would Errol Meyer report
0:27:31 > 0:27:33'to the Head Teacher's office, immediately?'
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- ALL:- Whoa...
0:27:35 > 0:27:37THEY CHANT
0:27:42 > 0:27:44So, what's the damage?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Detention for two weeks and an apology to every teacher and student I mentioned.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51It's not all bad though, um, Willow and her crew have named a dance move after me.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53The TripleTrouble. It's quite cool, actually.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Fact is - cool is like herpes. You've either got it or you haven't.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58How's it going with Teresa?
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Yeah, great.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02She totally gets the fact that I'm not a relationship kind of guy.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05I mean, she begged, sure, but I stood my ground.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07I'm like a lion on the prowl. Always hunting for my next meal.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10You know that the female lion does most of the hunting, right?
0:28:10 > 0:28:11MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Oh, Uncle Andy. Look what I got.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Nice work, TripleTrouble. DOOR OPENS
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Hey!
0:28:19 > 0:28:20LEG IT!