0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language and adult humour
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Hello?
0:00:06 > 0:00:08HE KNOCKS
0:00:08 > 0:00:09Uncle Andy?
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Errol?
0:00:14 > 0:00:16What happened? Did you overdose?
0:00:16 > 0:00:17I've got the flu. How'd you get in?
0:00:17 > 0:00:19I used the spare key under the mat.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21What spare key under the mat?
0:00:21 > 0:00:22The one I had made.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24HE COUGHS
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Why aren't you running for your life?
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Oh, I've had the flu jab. I'm invincible.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Oh. What do you want?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34You came all this way to give me a piece of paper?
0:00:34 > 0:00:35It's a song competition.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39I'll go and make a cup of tea and you can read the details.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41PHONE RINGS, HE GROANS
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Is Roly there?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I'm not sure. He could be a hallucination.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I've just drank a tonne of cough syrup.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Ooh, are you robo-tripping? I use to love doing that.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54No, I've got the flu.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Oh. You should've got the jab. Listen, did Roly tell you we had a fight?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59He just stormed out. He's been horrible lately.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01It's just puberty.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Ugh, God, I hope not.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05I TRIED to go on a date the other night, but Roly hid my car keys.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And then when we were playing Scrabble, he spelled, "traitor."
0:01:08 > 0:01:09So? What's the big deal?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Three times in one game.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Oh, shit. Scrabble messages? That's how Fred West got started.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17So who's this bloke you've been seeing?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh, just someone I met at a sex trauma workshop.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20- Sexy.- Oh, speaking of...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22If someone texts you, "What are you wearing?"
0:01:22 > 0:01:25but all you're wearing is a shitty dressing gown,
0:01:25 > 0:01:26then what would you say?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Are you really asking your brother for sext advice?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31It's not a sext! It's a foreplext.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Just write "a strap-on and an open mind."
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Really? That would do it for you?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Hypothetically. Now let me die in peace.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I'm not fighting with Mum. And I didn't hide her keys.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42She's just always losing them.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Have you just listened to our entire conversation?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Did she say who she's been texting?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47No. What do you care?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Well, if I knew his name, I could do a CRB check on him.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- KNOCK AT DOOR - Andy?- Who's that?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You're rent's past due again. Two weeks late.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Andy?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Ugh, I think I just got some of your body salt in my mouth.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Why haven't you paid your rent?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Because I'm out of severance with Carpet Brothers,
0:02:03 > 0:02:07and my job seekers hasn't come in yet and I'm si-i-i-ick.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Which is why we need to write this song. The deadline's tomorrow.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14The only thing I'm going to do today is watch Game of Thrones and hate people on Facebook.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15What have you got to lose?
0:02:15 > 0:02:16My dignity.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17You're wearing a onesie.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It's a jumpsuit.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21But this could be The Bear Maximum's big comeback. It'll be fun.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24No. You can't come back in a band after trying to go solo.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27That's like Japan not being allowed weapons after the war.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Fine. Well, first prize is only £20,000.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36The Bear Maximum is go!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38No. This is a solo project.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39I'm doing this for myself by myself.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Besides, I need the money more than you.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43But I was the one who told you about the contest!
0:02:43 > 0:02:46And for that, I am eternally grateful, little buddy.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53If you're so broke, how are you going to pay for a studio?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55A friend owes me a favour.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56For what?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Let's just say that when the pigs raided his house party,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01his incriminating stash magically disappeared.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I couldn't crap straight for a week.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04(Psst, Andy.)
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Hugo, this is my nephew, Errol.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Please don't tell anyone about this because if my boss finds out,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12he'll literally cut my head off, put it on a pike or cut my nuts off
0:03:12 > 0:03:15and put 'em in my mouth. Cut my feet off, make 'em into hands.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Relax, we get the picture.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Then he'll sack me.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Would I get you the sack?
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Probably.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Here she is. Remember you've only got until two, guys.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25There's another band in afterwards so...
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Oh, we're not a band. This is a solo thing.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28You're producing for the kid? Nice one, brother.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Oh, and if you need any engineering help,
0:03:30 > 0:03:34I'm trying to get my 10,000 hours. Only got 9,958 to go.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Not necessary. It's only a quick job.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37In and out...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Ooh, someone's had a boozy night? Got the DTs?
0:03:39 > 0:03:40I've got the flu.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Should've got the jab. Keep it down. Jerry's got bat ears.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Nice onesie, by the way. Where'd you get it from?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46OK! See you in a bit, then!
0:03:46 > 0:03:52# Last place hero... #
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Wait, wait, wait, Last Place Hero is one of our unrecorded songs. I wrote the lyrics.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58And I wrote the melody, so if I change the lyrics,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00then it's a new song.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04# There's a way to win And a way to lose
0:04:04 > 0:04:07# If you're a hero Just like Nero... #
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Hold on, hold on...
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Emperor Nero burned Christians in his garden as a source of light.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Well, maybe I mean the band Nero.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16And if you've got any questions from now on, raise your hand.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22# Last place hero
0:04:22 > 0:04:27# Fun like Robert De Niro... #
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- What?!- Robert De Niro is not fun.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Clearly you've never seen Midnight Run.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34The film set in the Turkish prison?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37That's Midnight Express! Do you know nothing?!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Now, here I am just trying to write something that's a little bit
0:04:39 > 0:04:41profound. What do you want?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44You want me to write something, what, that's important?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46What like a song about recycling?
0:04:46 > 0:04:51# Recycling, recycling It is so exciting
0:04:51 > 0:04:53# If you want a way to earn some cash
0:04:53 > 0:04:55# Why not go return your trash... #
0:04:55 > 0:04:56- Whoa!- Is that what you want?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Wait a minute - that's a blatant lie.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01You can't make cash from recycling.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05All right, now don't touch anything. Just push record on three.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07So, you don't want me to touch anything but you want me
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- to press record?- Did I stutter?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14No. It's just...how am I going to not touch anything yet press record?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Oh, you know what I mean. Just push it on three.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I think I'll go... I think I'll go on two just to be safe.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Then what's the point in me counting to three?- Well, it's a cushion.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I don't need a cushion!
0:05:23 > 0:05:24You're making me yell now!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- I can't make you yell. - Just push it on three!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30One...two...three.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I nailed it. Let's hear it back.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- I thought I was only allowed to press record?- Just press play.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40'Then what's the point of me counting to three?!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- 'It's a cushion. - I don't need a cushion.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- 'You're making me yell now. - I can't make you yell.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45'Just push it on three!
0:05:45 > 0:05:47'One, two...'
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- What happened to that amazing track I just recorded?- Oops.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Looks like I might have accidentally pressed record a bit earlier without realising it.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- At least I went on two. - You're sabotaging me!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Sabotage? Please, if I was sabotaging you, you wouldn't even know.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- I'd be like Mossad.- Who's Mossad?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03The Israeli secret service. They're the best!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05(Shh. I can hear you guys in the lobby.)
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Well, then you need better sound-proofing in here, then.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09PHONE VIBRATES
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- What?- I sent your strap-on text and he wrote back,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"Sounds like I've been a bad boy. What're you going to do?"
0:06:14 > 0:06:15What should I write?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Just write "I'm reporting you to Human Resources."
0:06:17 > 0:06:18I'm hanging up now. Bye.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- Hugo?- Is something broken?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Have you got a minute to come down and record something for me?
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Oh, what, you need my help?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Not "help." Assistance.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Oh, right, you mean like when you grow a moustache and you let your
0:06:36 > 0:06:39face hair grow around it and people are like, "Do you have a beard?"
0:06:39 > 0:06:41and you're like, "No, I've got a moustache".
0:06:44 > 0:06:46MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:48 > 0:06:50And THAT'S how you record a track.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Nice work, Hugo.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Now all I've got to do is finish off these lyrics.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Do you not think this could maybe use some keyboard?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Oh, that's funny, I play keyboards, but someone doesn't want my help.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Really? Cos I think this could use a little EDM vibe.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I'm just going to jump in.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07But I only play keyboards for The Bear Maximum.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09So I wouldn't play them for you if you begged.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Oh, really? And what if it was my dying wish?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13That would be the saddest dying wish ever.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I'm sorry. What's your awesome dying wish, then?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I'd like to have my ashes sent into space. Preferably towards Europa.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Never going to happen. NASA don't care about the ashes of
0:07:21 > 0:07:23some dead British kid. It's too expensive.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24But it's my dying wish. Money's no object.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27In that case, my dying wish is for you to take my guitar
0:07:27 > 0:07:28up to the top of Mount Everest.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Mount Everest? That's in the Death Zone. Do you know what they use for landmarks?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- Dead bodies.- Who cares?! I've just gone broke sending your ashes into outer space!
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I can't believe you won't do this for me!
0:07:37 > 0:07:39What's the point in a dying wish if we both end up dead?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Guys! Listen to this.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46TRACK PLAYS WITH PERCUSSION AND BASS
0:07:47 > 0:07:50That's good. Is that generated?
0:07:50 > 0:07:51The drums are, yeah.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53But I actually sampled the bass from a session
0:07:53 > 0:07:55we had with a band last week.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Can we use that?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Er...we'll have to get the bass guitarist to come in
0:07:58 > 0:08:00and do a live version but he's really cool, genuine,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02down to earth, great tattoos.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I'm pretty sure he'd do me a favour.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Well, get him in!
0:08:06 > 0:08:10# You're a last place hero
0:08:10 > 0:08:13# Last place for wimps And first place for pimps... #
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- Uncle Andy? - I'm not changing that.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Do you know how hard it is to find a rhyme for wimps?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Limps, glimpse, chimps, crimps, shrimps.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22That's not what I was going to say, though.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- If you let me back in the band, I'll let you keep the prize.- No deal.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Guys, meet Casper.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Fuck.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Hey, guys.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I'm so sorry. If I'd known...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Where are you going?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Kid, I'd rather have my cock amputated
0:08:39 > 0:08:41and replaced by a cactus than play on your uncle's track.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44We really shouldn't be talking in the hallway. Jerry can smell people.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Errol, I'm sure you don't understand why us grown-ups keep fighting
0:08:47 > 0:08:50and we can't put our differences aside in the name of music,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52but life just doesn't work like that,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54plus your uncle is a dick to my boyfriend.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55You're looking at this all wrong.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58If you want to get under Uncle Andy's skin, you need to play on his track.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01That way, every time he listens to it, he'll hear you.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04No matter how good the song is, it'll be ruined forever.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05All right, let's do this.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Hey mate, you're not playing on my track.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Do you need bass or not?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Nobody needs bass.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16You look like shit. Like worse than usual. You got the hiv?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- I've got the flu. - Should've got the jab.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Listen, if you use Hugo's sample, I'll sue you till your arse is sore.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28All right. Live bass. Take one.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Only going to need one take, mate.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41HE GAGS
0:09:41 > 0:09:43HE MOANS What's that?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- It's a rusty trombone. - HE GAGS
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I don't even want to know what that one is.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52One, two...one, two...
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Babe, do you mind? - What, babe?- Babe, your phone.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Oh, yeah, one second, babe. I'm just on the last level.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- Babe! Turn your fuckin' phone off! - Just play your little bass.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03OK, first off, this isn't a little bass,
0:10:03 > 0:10:04it's actually quite a big bass.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07And secondly, show some respect for my process.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09You're process is dumb!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Right - fuck this.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14And that's a cut on take one.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Knock, knock, are you ready to rock?! Did I just see Casper?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Mum? What are you doing here?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Oh, this is your mum? Cool.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22How did you find us?
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Roly tweeted your location.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25So are The Bear Maximum really back together?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27No. I know what you're doing. I switched my phone off,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29so you come here to get me to write a sext for you.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31(Pfft, as if I'd be that desperate.)
0:10:31 > 0:10:34But if you did get a text asking if you've been a filthy girl,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- then what would you say? - Hmm, good question.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38And I'll answer that as soon as you get Gwen to make up with Casper.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- So, what are you going to do? - Get Casper to make up with Gwen.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Is that a onesie?
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Want to talk about it?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- No.- Works for me.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I mean, what is her problem?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10When we were first dating, she would be sat in that front row
0:11:10 > 0:11:15every single night staring at me with those fuck-me eyes.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Yeah, and those eyes have been around.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Now it's like she won't even look at me.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21It's like I'm you.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27PHONE RINGS
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Hi, Jerry, you all right? You're still in the mix, right?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32No-no-no, I didn't forget. I can come over now.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36No, I can take... OK, I'll take your order on the phone.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37OK, right.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Tuna mustard - gluten-free tuna wrap - right, yeah.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Onion, lettuce, kale chips.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Ah, there it is. - You want onion on the tuna wrap?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48OK. Diet energy drink, yeah?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Taurine, no guarine... - Thought you were the food Nazi.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Decaf soya milk. And one Toblerone.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Yeah, heavy on the Tobes.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58No, it's not funny, you're right. OK.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Right. I've got to go.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Jerry turns into the Red Hulk when he's hypoglycaemic.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Remember, you guys have only got till two, OK?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I mean, she finds every way to try and humiliate me.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11The other day she tried to do me with a strap-on.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12She ever do that to you?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Pfft, no!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Although I've heard it's not actually that bad.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20And that the prostate is quite an under-appreciated organ.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23But, er, yeah - strap-ons - lame.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24What're you talking about?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Errol, er, we're not talking about anything.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30I hate when you do that! I'm nearly 14 now, I can take it. I'm ready.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33A strap-on's a dildo that women will strap-on like a belt
0:12:33 > 0:12:37in order to have sex with other women and sometimes men.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- I wasn't ready. - What are you doing here anyway?
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Hugo's just gone to get Jerry's lunch.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43He says that time's running out. Why would you use it on a man?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Because it feels great.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46You know, apparently.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Wait, are you saying a man...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Can stick it up his arse if he thinks I'm going to apologise!
0:12:50 > 0:12:54You know, sometimes I imagine cutting his cock into little coins to relax myself.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58- Ow!- He's just so intense.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I mean, he makes sex go on for hours just for the ego of it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02It's boring, you know?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05That's so boring. Back off, Sting.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I feel like I'm being bitten by a pit bull and I can't shake it off.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I heard the best way to stop a pit bull biting you is to
0:13:11 > 0:13:12stick your finger up its bum.
0:13:12 > 0:13:18So maybe you should just stick your finger up the bum of life.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Yeah, I'm not even going to take my rings off.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Next time I see Casper, I'm definitely breaking up with him.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Cool. Um, so...
0:13:27 > 0:13:28are you any good at sexting?
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Cos I've got this...
0:13:29 > 0:13:31KNOCKING CASPER: Babe?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45GUITAR STRUMMING
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Well, I wish I could say it's been a pleasure.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55The feeling's mutual.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Boo! So what did I miss?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Just about to kick this lot out and then finish off the lyrics,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02record the guitar, go home and...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Where are my lyrics?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Don't look at me. Mossad, remember.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I may have written Jerry's lunch order on the back of them.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13And where are they now?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- In a bin, on the high street.- Hugo!
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Shh. (Jerry!)
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Oh, is it a bad time to tell you I had a major brainwave?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I think this tune could do with some rhythm guitar to really
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- fatten up the strings. - I don't want fat strings!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I'm looking for that lo-fi singer-song-writery vibe.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28HE COUGHS Coffee shop.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Yeah, and not even Starbucks.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- Kind of agree, mate.- Yeah, me too.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Nobody asked you!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35And I've not got time to record the guitar and write new lyrics.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Gwen could do it.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37HE SCOFFS
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Oh... You're being serious. Gwen can't play guitar.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41We met in a guitar shop.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Yeah. You were there picking up musicians.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45But I was also...buying a guitar.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47No deal. Girls can't shred.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Er... What?! How about Lita Ford, Joan Jett, Courtney Love, Charro?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Oh, I love Charro.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Nancy Wilson. Kim Deal.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Kim Deal's a bassist. That is an official girl's instrument.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01All right, you don't want a girl on your track -
0:15:01 > 0:15:03maybe I'll just delete my girlie bass?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- And the key is?- It's in E.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Wouldn't it sound better in C?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Well, we've already recorded all the other instruments in E, haven't we, genius?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Well, C is a more commercial key. - Yeah, if you're Katy Perry.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Hey, don't diss Katy.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Gwen thinks Blink 182's a punk band.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oi, shut up, dick face.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Well, thank you all for playing, everyone.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38I'll always be eternally grateful, now if you'll all kindly fuck off.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- HE SIGHS - What? What now?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I think it needs live drums.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45But you said it needed a more electronic beat
0:15:45 > 0:15:47to make it sound "dope" and "fresh".
0:15:47 > 0:15:52Yeah, but now it sounds a little too EDM. Needs to be more analogue.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- Oh, God... - PHONE RINGS
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Hello? OK.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Jerry's coming, please, everyone hide, right now, please.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06What do you not understand about get me a Toblerone?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Is there spunk between your ears?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- No, Jerry.- Everyone knows when Jerry's done with lunch,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Jerry eats fuckin' Toblerone!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I don't care whatever fuckwit excuse you come up with.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17If it happens again, I'm gonna staple your balls to the wall,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20shit down your throat and then stick a Grammy up your arse,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22because who cares, I've got so many of them,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24and then, I'll fire you.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- What about my word?- You never go back on your word, Jerry.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Fuck right, I don't. Get it together, Hugo!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You insignificant needle-dick prick!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44You should have heard him when I forgot his Twiglets.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52If you want live drums, you can have live drums.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Where are we gonna find a drummer at such short notice?
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Are you sure you can do this?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I was playing in punk bands before you got your first period.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Any I've heard of?
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Screaming Vaginas. Face Kick. Piss. Stiletto Testicle Smashers.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Iron Lung. Mandy Boy.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08That one was new wave.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10So, what is this song called?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12It's called Last Place Hero.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Ugh, sounds like Bon Jovi.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Who are Bon Jovi? - They're the strap-ons of music.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- Still got it.- All right, you got about 30 minutes to get these vocals nailed.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26I hope these great lyrics are ready to go, Uncle Andy?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28SAM GIGGLES
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Mum, stop giggling or I'm going to throw your phone!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Is that what I've raised? A phone thrower? Wow!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- Give it to me.- Guys, not now.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41No. I'm an adult. It's my business who I text.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43You're sleeping with him, aren't you?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45What if I am? Just because you came out of my vagina,
0:17:45 > 0:17:47it doesn't mean you can control who goes in it!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49(Sh! Jerry.)
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Shall we go?- Are you kidding? This is just starting to get good.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55You don't even know this guy, he could be a serial killer. Or worse.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Vegan.- Will you shut up!
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Between Sid and Nancy there, and Hugo with your fat guitars,
0:18:07 > 0:18:12and Sam with your sexting, seriously! You're almost 40.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Have phone sex with the man like an adult!
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I mean, Jesus Christ, Val, I mean, you're all right.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21But you - why don't you just let your mum get on with her own
0:18:21 > 0:18:23love life instead of interfering all the time?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26If she wants to get serial killed, it's up to her.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28You dragged me out of my deathbed to come here
0:18:28 > 0:18:31and all you've done is screwed with me.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35All day long! Do you know what you are? You're a...
0:18:35 > 0:18:38SOUND SWITCHES OFF
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- He's just lost it, hasn't he?- Hmm.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47..and try and do anything! You...
0:18:47 > 0:18:48HE SWITCHES SOUND OFF AGAIN
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Are you finished?
0:18:57 > 0:19:0036 is not almost 40. And I'm not the one wearing a onesie.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Last Place Hero, vocal, take one.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07MUSIC PLAYS
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- HE SINGS HOARSELY: - # Last place hero... #
0:19:17 > 0:19:19HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Good start.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- # Last place... # - BEEP
0:19:23 > 0:19:26# Last place... #
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Stop looking at me!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I can do it. Just give me a minute.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33He-e-e...
0:19:33 > 0:19:35He-e-e...
0:19:35 > 0:19:36He-e-e
0:19:36 > 0:19:39He-e-e...ro.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41He sounds like a chainsaw fucking another chainsaw.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45That was just a practice. I'll get it next time.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Who'd have thought one day we'd be hanging out like this, eh?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04You don't need to cheer me up, Val.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I need the fresh air.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Plus your sister wouldn't stop bothering me about her texts.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- I've got the flu.- I've had the jab.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Doesn't taste of anything.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25It's better than that Nicotine gum, though.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- That stuff just gave me a temper. - You? No way.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33You know, I was a pretty good musician.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Could have made a decent living out of it.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Then the last band, the manager quit, so I started booking gigs,
0:20:38 > 0:20:44and then I was managing events in clubs and now, I have my own club.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46What's your point?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49There's more than one way to be a star, Andy.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Nice jumpsuit, by the way.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01GUITAR PLAYS, MUFFLED
0:21:08 > 0:21:10# You look behind
0:21:10 > 0:21:12# You've constantly been overlapped
0:21:12 > 0:21:14# I raise my hat
0:21:14 > 0:21:18# I'm impressed that you really ran with being crap... #
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Sorry. Just messing about.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Oh, shit, not this again.
0:21:26 > 0:21:32Gwen, will you do me the honour of singing lead vocals on my song?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Only if we use Errol's lyrics.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Well, Roly? What do you say?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44OK.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Only on one condition.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- I can't believe I'm doing this. - Shhh. I need complete silence.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Guys, you know you've only got seven minutes to get this vocal.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- Just saying. - This reminds me of my NA meetings.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- Oh, which one do you go to? - Quaker Centre, Notting Hill.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Oh, I've been there. Good crowd. - Yeah, they're...- Guys!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Dear corpse of famed American astronomer, Carl Sagan.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Please bless us with the organic molecules that have been
0:22:06 > 0:22:08released from your desiccated remains.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Look over the studio, poor gentle Hugo and Gwen's beautiful vocals
0:22:11 > 0:22:14and my amazing lyrics to help this song shine.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Now Andy can get everything that he deserves. Nothing.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Mossad, bitch! - Errol! What are you doing?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25If you won't let me play on my own track,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I'm going to delete the whole project on three.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- Roly, darling, just calm down. - One...
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- He doesn't know how to delete the project.- Two...
0:22:32 > 0:22:35No! You said you were going to go on three!
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Well, I went on two.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Oh, hi, is this the right room?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Sorry, we're just wrapping up in here. Thanks.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46This was supposed to be our fun day and you made it all about you!
0:22:46 > 0:22:52Not everything wants keyboards, Errol. Not every single song, Errol.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Am I right? I'm right, guys. - Well, it worked for the Beach Boys.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56- And The Cure.- And Deep Purple. - New Order.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- Pink Floyd.- The Doors.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03That is so effed-up, man.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05All your nephew wanted was to play with his uncle.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Shame on you.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09But I'm sick!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11You're right, man. You are sick.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Shit.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I'm sorry, Errol.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23If I could re-record it with you, I would.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25But what can I do? We're out of time.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Look, you've got five minutes left.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Couldn't you just record the whole thing live?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Sam, it...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36That's a great idea.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Good luck, dickheads!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I'm sorry for trashing the project. I hope this turns out good.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Don't worry about good. Just try and have fun.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Right, this song's in C. On your cue, Val.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57# We're always told it's all about the taking part
0:23:57 > 0:24:00# Well, woop-dee-doo and well done, you
0:24:00 > 0:24:04# You took that sentiment to heart
0:24:04 > 0:24:05# You lag behind
0:24:05 > 0:24:09# You've constantly been overlapped
0:24:09 > 0:24:10# I raise my hat
0:24:10 > 0:24:15# I'm impressed that you've really ran with being crap
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- # Last place hero - Here we go again, here we go again
0:24:18 > 0:24:20# You're perfect again
0:24:20 > 0:24:21# Coming last again
0:24:21 > 0:24:23# You can't know again
0:24:23 > 0:24:24# You're on show again
0:24:24 > 0:24:25# Feeling low again
0:24:25 > 0:24:26# Acting real slow again
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- # Last place hero - You offend again, can't pretend again
0:24:30 > 0:24:31# Still regrets again
0:24:31 > 0:24:32# Getting your revenge again
0:24:32 > 0:24:33# You're really slumming it
0:24:33 > 0:24:36# You're really slumming it now
0:24:38 > 0:24:43# But you should know that you're the best at being you
0:24:43 > 0:24:49# The pity is how shitty is everything you fuckin' do
0:24:49 > 0:24:54# We're all wrong and you're the only that's right
0:24:54 > 0:24:55# You've tried your best
0:24:55 > 0:25:00# You failed the test surrounded in your self-made shite
0:25:06 > 0:25:08# Can't afford your heating cos your money's always spent
0:25:08 > 0:25:11# Scraping every penny cos you're always low on rent
0:25:11 > 0:25:14# You're so good at slumming it that you could be the coach
0:25:14 > 0:25:17# Had the winning ticket but you've used it for a roach
0:25:17 > 0:25:20# Always missing birthdays and you're never there on time
0:25:20 > 0:25:23# Living like you're 20 even though you're past your prime
0:25:23 > 0:25:24# Last place, last place
0:25:24 > 0:25:28# Everyone should just admit you're absolutely smashing it now. #
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- Oh!- What?- It didn't record.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Only kidding. Yeah!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- Hugo!- Jerry's going to kill me.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42VAL: We won't let him, kid.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45No, you know you don't understand. Jerry's really strong!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47He does cross-fit.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Who the fuck are these people?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50We're The Bear Maximum.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52That's the dumbest name I've ever heard.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Hugo, I'm going to punch your teeth out through your dick,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57but first, you're fired.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00No! You can't do that. He's a good kid
0:26:00 > 0:26:02And he's good at his job.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03HE COUGHS
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- What's wrong with him? - He's got the flu.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09What's the matter, Jerry? Haven't had the jab?
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- Jerry doesn't believe in vaccines. - It'd be a shame to get you sick.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Just stay away from me.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Then give Hugo his job back! - No, get away! Fuck off.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES
0:26:18 > 0:26:21You don't know where I've been, Jerry.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24You don't know what I've been through in there.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Just stop! OK, yes! He can have his job back.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- Whatever you say.- Do you swear it, Jerry? Do you swear it?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Yes! You have my word. Just stop.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45That's the grossest thing anyone's ever done for me.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Bet you're glad I haven't had the jab now, aren't you?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- Where...?- We brought you home after you passed out.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Well, Val and Casper carried you. I watched.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04You feeling better?
0:27:06 > 0:27:10I'll get you some more paracetamol.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Did you submit the song?
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Hugo's still mixing it. I'll do it in a few days.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16But the deadline's tomorrow!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18No, I just said that to get you out of bed.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19You know, erm, I've thought about it
0:27:19 > 0:27:22and I will take your guitar up Mount Everest if you really want.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23- You'd do that?- Yeah.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I will need 15 years of mountaineering lessons first.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29So, erm, don't die before that.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30KETTLE WHISTLES
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Oh, the tea!
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Here you go, prick.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Look, it's probably none of my business, but if you're going to
0:27:40 > 0:27:43get serious with this guy, you should probably tell him.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45PHONE BEEPS
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Yeah, you're right.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53It's none of your business.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02'Sam, you naughty girl. You want to get kinky on the phone?
0:28:02 > 0:28:03'Sam?'
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Hello? Sam?
0:28:07 > 0:28:08'Sam?'