0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Trick or treat!
0:00:10 > 0:00:11Andy, what are you doing here?
0:00:11 > 0:00:13I told you never to come without an invitation.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16I haven't heard from you in a couple of weeks,
0:00:16 > 0:00:19so I thought I'd surprise you and be spontaneous and fun-loving.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22My husband's home. And the neighbour's blinds are open.
0:00:22 > 0:00:23(Well, in that case...)
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Can I interest you in some Jehovah's Witness literature?
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Andy, I think we're done.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32You're getting too attached.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34What? No, I'm not, see?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36You sent me 20 naked selfies.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I know, I was kind of going for that flip book approach, you know?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42MAKES FLIPPING SOUND
0:00:42 > 0:00:46I love my husband. I don't want to ruin my marriage.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49OK. You know... We can just be friends.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52You? Want to be friends? You can't be friends with women.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Why not? I love women.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55I haven't known you long
0:00:55 > 0:00:58but long enough to know that you break everything you love.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01If you really love women, you'll leave them alone.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Andy?
0:01:12 > 0:01:13- Shelley?- You all right?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Yeah, I'm just doing some... Light reading.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18In the feminist book section?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Yeah, it's part of my new, er, overhaul.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22I'm eating goji berries now as well.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Good for you. How are things?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Yeah, good. I mean, the music stuff is picking up.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29How about you, you still doing party gigs?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31No, I quit. I couldn't stand it any more.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I started working for a label. I'm a music video commissioner now.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Oh, you joined the enemy?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I get to nurture new acts, see loads of gigs.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Happiest I've ever been.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Except for that time that me and you were together?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Yeah. Of course.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Look, I... I'm sorry about...
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Andy, it's fine. Going out with you was an important part of my life.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I mean, my self-esteem was at an all time low
0:01:50 > 0:01:52and my career was going nowhere.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56But, you know, I had to hit rock bottom to pick myself up again.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Well, you know, glad that I could help.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00So, you seeing anyone?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Yeah. Lyle. For about a year now.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05He likes Mumford & Sons, you'd hate him. You?
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Nah. No. No, no.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Just taking time for myself, really.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Practically living like a monk.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- How's Errol?- Yeah, he's good. You know, still weird.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14LAUGHTER
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Look, do you want to maybe, um, get a bite to eat some time?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19You know, just as friends?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20You want to be just friends?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Yeah, why not? I mean, you're seeing Mumford & Sons
0:02:23 > 0:02:24and I've taken a vow of celibacy.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I'm not monk-ing about.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Yeah, maybe some time.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Yeah, sounds goo...
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Whoo!
0:02:31 > 0:02:32HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Um, er, how long?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Eight months. You're still happy being friends, right?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Baby, maybe. Definitely.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Nice seeing you, Andy.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Hello?
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Andy, what are you doing here?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- Shelley's pregnant.- Great, but you can't just come in out of the blue.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I gave you the key for emergencies.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Shelley's knocked up, this is an emergency. She looked so happy.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I've never made anyone that happy. Is Errol in?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Er, no, he's just, he's, er, he's getting his costume
0:03:05 > 0:03:07for the school Halloween party.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08I'll just crash here until he gets back.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10No! You should go.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Have you got someone here?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Yeah, right(!) I wish.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Yeah, the only action I'm getting is my spinning class.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20"Earn the burn", "Spin to win"...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Fine, I'll go.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25No! No. You should stay.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Are you hungry?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Hey, sweetie. How'd it go? - It was a nightmare.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35I wanted to go as Isaac Newton but they ran out of baroque wigs.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Oh, no! I hate it when that happens.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39If I go wearing these clothes, holding a Guardian,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41could I pass for Edward Snowden?
0:03:41 > 0:03:42- Oh, shit.- What?- Amy's dropped out.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44We're a chaperone short for the party tonight.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47It's just a bunch of geeky kids, how many chaperones
0:03:47 > 0:03:48- do you need?- An army.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Last year, there were smoke bombs in the faculty lounge, laxatives in the
0:03:51 > 0:03:54punch bowl, chilli oil on the toffee apples, an unplanned pregnancy...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Sounds like an average night out in Camden.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Why don't you chaperone then?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- Hell, no.- Mum, I like Uncle Andy, and even I think that's a horrible idea.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Come on, you can handle kids.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Plus, Melodie will be there.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07No.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09No, she's taken and I'm busy.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11You don't want me there, anyway.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I'll just balls things up like I normally do.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I always end up an emotional wreck at these things.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17And I always have a chance to look cool and blow it.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21So what if we just decide to not do our usual shit tonight, guys?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25This family is capable of having one night out, without self-destructing.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27We just have to think before we act
0:04:27 > 0:04:30or speak or think.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Who is with me?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Fuck it, I'm in.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39As long as I get to choose Edward Snowden's costume.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Deal.- Wait, what?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Are you sure people are going to get this?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I don't just look like an underage mortician?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Relax. You look cool.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50I'd better. This costume has to get me my first kiss.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51HE LAUGHS
0:04:52 > 0:04:54First kiss?!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57No, I mean, no biggy.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58You know, nerds bloom late.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Once you're there and have your own million-dollar software
0:05:01 > 0:05:03corporation, women'll be climbing over each other to get you.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I can't wait that long, though.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Boys who don't hit certain social milestones
0:05:07 > 0:05:09are more likely to become serial killers!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12All right, all right, calm down. Have you even got a girl in mind?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Ruby. I think she's been flirting with me.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16The other day I asked her if I could borrow her pen
0:05:16 > 0:05:17and she actually gave it to me.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Wow, not a whole pen! What about that One Direction thing?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Oh, she's moved on. She's into Mumford & Sons now.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I can't believe you wouldn't lend me a keyboard.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Keyboards aren't props.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Yeah, but it's not Keytar Cat.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Whatevs, at least I'm wearing a costume.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- This is a costume. - No-one is going to get it.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39People with taste will get it.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41The only people that are going to get
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- yours are weird, creepy internet geeks.- Hey, Keyboard Cat!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Looking great, guys.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Thanks.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Can you guess what we've come as?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Course. The Specials are my all-time favourite band.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Rudy rude boys forever!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- See?- What a frightful bunch!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Hi, Ms Vaughn. You look fab.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Can you guess what I am?- A witch?
0:05:59 > 0:06:00I'm a Fairy God Mother.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Ms Vaughn, this is my brother Andy. He's filling in for Amy.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06If you need something filling in, then I'm your man.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I'm loving the whole MI5 thing.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Spooks is my favourite.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Here are your chaperone badges.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Remember, we don't want any trouble tonight.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Mr Foster! Hands out of the punch bowl now!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Girls and boys need at least one foot between them.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25We don't want a repeat of last year.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Of course, I don't have to worry about you, Errol!
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- Bitch.- Errol! - What? I said witch.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Which reminds me that I need a drink.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41So, I guess we should, er, partner up as, er, chaperone buddies?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Oh, yeah. Good idea.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Have fun.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Pathetic. They think they're being subtle.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Seriously. When did you find out?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50- About a month. You?- Same.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I was playing Flappy Bird on Bruce's phone when your mum texted
0:06:53 > 0:06:56"I need my meat injection." Cringe.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Are all adults as embarrassing as this or is it just our parents?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Old people make everything gross.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Hope I'm not as gross as that if I ever fall in love.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Yeah.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Er, cool suit, by the way.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10What? Oh, er, thanks, yeah.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13It's from some dumb movie that Uncle Andy's obsessed with.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15It's giving me a bit of a wedgie.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18No screaming or running! And get back inside.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21What is there about this night that turns our little angels into devils?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24You tell me. I'm feeling a little bit devilish myself.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Is Keyboard Cat in heat?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Depends, does 1950s robot need me to change his oil?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Seriously, can you even get out of this thing?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34You'll be pleased to know this costume is modular.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Nice try, dipshit.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Hey, that's my dad's!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Well, you can tell your dad...
0:07:45 > 0:07:47That he has got shit taste in whisky.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49What are you even doing here, loser?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Well, I got finished slamming your mum early,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53so, er, nice costume by the way.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Bit on the nose, don't you think?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57What're you supposed to be, A shit Men in Black?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- Jake Blues, The Blues Brothers? - Never heard of it.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Obviously. It's not a Pixar film.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03What a massive dick.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Yeah? That's what your dad said...
0:08:04 > 0:08:06When your mum...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Told him how big I was.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09LAUGHTER
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Go on, get in there, that's it, Charlie!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Just friends, you can do this.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18That's it, you can do it!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Hey, friend!
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Hey, Andy. Nice Matrix costume.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Oh, er, thank you.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28What do you think of mine? Made it myself.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It looks really well-made.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Oh, can I, er, can I tempt you?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Oh, um...
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Not right now.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Er, Matrix men don't eat, remember.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Hey kiddies, how's it shaking?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Hey, Ryan. That's a really good Back to the Future costume.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Do you think?
0:08:47 > 0:08:51I was sort of torn between Marty and George McFly, to be honest.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"I'm your density."
0:08:53 > 0:08:55I mean, "Destiny."
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Aw, you're so cute.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Keep an eye on this one.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59SHE SMACKS HIM
0:09:01 > 0:09:04So, um, Melodie said you've got a really sick discography at home.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Melodie mentioned that she'd been round my flat?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Yeah, the night you guys got really mashed up.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Don't look so stricken, Andy, she tells me everything.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Said that you have the best music taste out of any guy she'd ever met.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Oh, aside from you, obviously.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Obviously.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23But what is most important is that we hate the same bands.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Mumford & Sons.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I made them break up using just my psychic powers.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31All right?
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Yeah.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I saw Alfie spit on those.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40We should go and mingle.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- Do you want to come and talk to Ruby with me?- No.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Come on. You two can talk about girl things.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I hate girl things.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47I love jamming in my spare time
0:09:47 > 0:09:51but the music career thing, just a bit of a lark.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Teaching is my true calling.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Like Pryzbylewski in, er, season 4 of The Wire.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I'm so heterosexually attracted to you right now.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01If it wasn't for the old lady friend...
0:10:01 > 0:10:02She's a good one.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03She's THE one.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Never been more certain of anything in my whole life.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Oh, Mr Sardson, someone let off a stink bomb in the boys loo.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Well, duty calls.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Are you leaving without saying goodbye, then?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Hey. Yeah.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Er, I'm not feeling so hot.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Must be a glitch in the Matrix or something
0:10:31 > 0:10:36but, um... It was really nice seeing you.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39And...you look really happy.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Excuse me, Ms Thomas, Ms Thomas.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45A girl just slipped down the stairs, I think she's broken her ankle!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Oh, God. Andy, will you come help?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Er, yep.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Everything seems in order.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57She's just in there.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Where is she?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Well, well, if it ain't Snore White and Men in Crap.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Oh, shit.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Enjoy your all-night lez-off, ladies.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Alfie, no!
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Alfie Foster, you are in deep shit!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- Hi, Ruby.- Oh, hey, guys.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Nice dress.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Cool ghost costume. I like yours too, Errol.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16It's giving him a wedgie.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19She's joking.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20(Girl talk.)
0:11:20 > 0:11:24So, Ruby, have you started your period yet?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- Er...- Ha-ha...
0:11:26 > 0:11:29No, I had to go out and buy my mum some tampons the other week.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Yeah, I think the cashier thought I was some sort of boyish lesbian.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35You know tampons have been around since ancient Egypt?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37They used to call periods "the Pharaoh's curse."
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Crazy stuff, right?
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Ladies?!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Hey, Rubes, we stole Ms Vaughn's keys and we're going to the
0:11:43 > 0:11:45staff room to play Seven Minutes In Heaven, want to come?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46What's Seven Minutes In Heaven?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Kissing game you play in a cupboard.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49You can bring your friends too.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51What about Errol and Tiffany?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Air-hole and Tuf-fanny? I don't think so.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56It's either me and ALL my friends, or none of us at all.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Someone help!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Who designed this door, Josef Fritzl?!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Shit, I haven't got any bars, have you?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06No. Alfie'd better get expelled for this.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Yeah, well, his dad's on the board of governors. He's untouchable.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Well, at least it's not my fault.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Why would it be your fault?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17It doesn't matter.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Well, Ryan'll come looking for us once he sees I'm missing.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24And if not, the caretaker will definitely unlock the door...
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- That's good.- ..at 5am.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Fuck him.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31And now I'm dying of thirst.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Well, it's not water but it's wet.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41So, should probably tell the kids soon, right?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Totally. Yeah, I'm just waiting for the right time.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Errol's been annoyed with his dad lately and I'm enjoying
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- being the good guy for once. - I just hope Claire doesn't try to
0:12:48 > 0:12:50murder you when she finds out.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Why would she? You're getting a divorce, she cheated on you.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Her brain doesn't work like that.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57When we were together, I wasn't allowed any female Facebook friends.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- Shit.- Exactly.- (No, it's Claire.)
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- I have a confession.- Er, shoot.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Claire didn't leave me. I left her.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- OK...- And now she's trying to win me back.- What? Why don't you just
0:13:07 > 0:13:08tell her we're together!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Claire! You look great.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12And look at this hunky robot.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Ooh, you wear my favourite cologne.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Like a Boy Scout, always prepared.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Hey, Claire. That costume's fab.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25What costume?
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Kidding!
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Charlie's Angels used to be mine and Bruce's favourite role play.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Anyway, how are you, Sam? It's been too long.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I probably didn't have these whiskers then.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Actually, you did.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Seriously though, if you want to pop in the salon,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38we'll wax that right off.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40So, you still doing that psychology stuff?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- I always thought Bruce should go to therapy.- Sorry, can we not...
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Oh, relax. It's only Sam.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48It's not like she's your girlfriend.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Has anyone seen my keys?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Anyone seen Melodie?
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Actually, where's Andy and Errol?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Bruce. Where's our daughter?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56So, you spin the bottle and whoever...
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Whomever.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Whoever it lands on, you go in the cupboard with for seven minutes.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03If it lands on someone of the same sex, you spin again.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04That's homophobic.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16And then, I scratched a massive dick into his dad's Bentley.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17That never happened.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19No, I swear to Satan, it happened.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Why do you think Alfie hates me so much?
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Because he's a cock.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I'm not supposed to badmouth my students.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- You can just blame it on the whisky. - Yeah.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40I remember that was the day that
0:14:40 > 0:14:45I first saw Shelley again, since school.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I saw her today. She's pregnant.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49You don't sound too thrilled.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53I'm never anyone's happy ending. You know, I'm a bit like jazz.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56You think it's a good idea at the time and then, in the end,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58it's just disappointing and messy.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Yeah, you dodged a bullet with me.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Dodged a bullet?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Well, you know, cos...
0:15:08 > 0:15:11..it doesn't matter.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13But you've met your Prince Charming, haven't you?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Yeah. Ryan's amazing.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20He's like a greatest hits album, isn't he?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Why does that feel like an insult?
0:15:28 > 0:15:29You know it's...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32It's not like Ryan and I are...
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Married or anything.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Now, that is the whisky talking.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I might be a bad person
0:15:44 > 0:15:48but that doesn't mean I have to make bad decisions, so...
0:15:48 > 0:15:50(I'm going to take this...)
0:15:50 > 0:15:51(And I'm going to sit over here.)
0:15:56 > 0:15:57It's your turn, Rubes.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05SHOCKED GASPS
0:16:05 > 0:16:07It's between two people. Do over.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22# Seven minutes in heaven
0:16:25 > 0:16:27# Or a lifetime in hell
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# Seven minutes in heaven, darling
0:16:35 > 0:16:37# It's too early to tell
0:16:40 > 0:16:42# One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
0:16:42 > 0:16:44# Got seven whole minutes just to take you to heaven
0:16:44 > 0:16:47# Was there something between us, if there was, what was it?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49# Trapped in a cupboard but I'm not in a closet
0:16:49 > 0:16:52# Breathing so hard, going faster and faster
0:16:52 > 0:16:54# But it might be the dust, it's affecting my asthma
0:16:54 > 0:16:56# Time's running out at a rate that's alarming
0:16:56 > 0:16:59# You're my fairytale princess, I'm your Prince Fucking Charming
0:16:59 > 0:17:02# Round, round, round, goes the spin of the bottle
0:17:02 > 0:17:04# Better slow down, don't give it full throttle
0:17:04 > 0:17:06# I like, like you so hard, I like, like you to bits
0:17:06 > 0:17:09# You look like an angel, an angel with tits
0:17:09 > 0:17:11# I've helped you with homework for terms and terms
0:17:11 > 0:17:14# I wanted to kiss you, to hell with the germs
0:17:14 > 0:17:16# Want to take you heaven till you're begging for more
0:17:16 > 0:17:18# I got seven whole minutes but I'll only need four
0:17:20 > 0:17:24# I don't know why you wouldn't want this to be
0:17:24 > 0:17:27# Anything that it could be
0:17:29 > 0:17:35# I don't know why you would want this to end
0:17:35 > 0:17:37# Seven minutes in heaven
0:17:37 > 0:17:38# Oh, oh, yeah
0:17:39 > 0:17:42# Seven minutes in heaven
0:17:42 > 0:17:43# Oh, oh, yeah
0:17:44 > 0:17:47# Seven minutes in heaven
0:17:47 > 0:17:48# Oh, oh, yeah
0:17:49 > 0:17:51# Seven minutes in heaven.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53# Oh, oh, yeah. #
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Spin again.- No!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06You made the rules, Alfie.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Come on, Errol.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Melodie?
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Tiff?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19So, er, how long have you been with Errol's mum?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Wow, wow, who says I'm with Errol's mum?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Come on, it doesn't take a rocket scientist.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Plus, I saw you guys coming out of the broom cupboard together.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Please don't tell my ex.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Relax, it's none of my business.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Out of curiosity though, as a formerly married man,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35how did you, um, propose?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Claire proposed to me, actually.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Half-time at the Fulham-Stoke match.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Projected on the big screen in front of 20,000 fans.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43It must've been a great day.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Yeah, it was. We won 2-0.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Tiff?!
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Love a good closet.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50It's like being in a lift
0:18:50 > 0:18:53but without all of the hydraulic risk factors.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54I can't kiss you, Errol.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56No, definitely, no. I'd, er, recommend against.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Just to be clear though, why aren't we kissing?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00I just want to be on the same page.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Is there another boy you fancy?
0:19:02 > 0:19:03No. It's Tiffany.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05You fancy Tiffany?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Wow, OK. I didn't see that coming.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Now I see how the One Direction thing was just an overcompensation.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15No, Tiffany fancies you and I'm afraid she'll beat me up.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16No, that's crazy.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Rubes? Is Air-hole's breath knocking you out already?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Go away, Alfie!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Look, if Tiffany didn't have a crush on you, why does
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- she follow you everywhere? - She's my bodyguard.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I've seen the way she looks at you in class.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30She's just keeping an eye out for snipers.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Look, if we kiss, we don't have to tell anyone.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Are you angry with me?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38No.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Yes.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43People look at me and all they see some innocent little...
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Pollyanna.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Well, the costume's not helping.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I know you think you're this tortured artist, Andy,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50but I'm no angel.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I've slept with a married man.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I've slept with a married woman.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Now you're just turning me on.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- I was sectioned once. - OK, that's less sexy. Go on.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I had food issues... Have, I have food issues.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Couldn't keep a meal down for five years.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I ate 30 Crunchie bars in an hour, once,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09and I still can't see one without breaking a sweat.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Bulimia with self-harm was the official diagnosis.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Does Ryan know all this?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I don't want to pull him down into the darkness.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23But you and me, we already live there, Andy.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27So you're not protecting me from the big bad wolf.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I was ruining my own life long before I met you.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Were they fun size Crunchies or the regular ones?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Tiff?!
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Roly?!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Sam, can I ask you something?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Is it the lines on my forehead? Yeah, I know I should get Botox.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53But I'm just, I hate needles. That's why I never mainlined heroin.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56It's not the lines but I can get you a good price on those.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59As a therapist, anything I say is confidential, right?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, yeah.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Do you think I'm scary?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06You?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08No.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11No? It's just that sometimes I think things ended with me and Bruce
0:21:11 > 0:21:13because I was overpowering.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I thought they ended because you cheated on him?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17We could be all night figuring out who's to blame,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19it's just that there's something different about him.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22A glow. If I didn't know any better...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Claire, I just want to say... - I think he wants me back.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Pardon?- It's obvious.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And I know Tiff hates living between two houses.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I mean, look how it's damaged your boy. What do you think?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Should we give it another go?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Erm...- There you two are!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I think I know where the children might be.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43You've got a minute left.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Maybe we should just come out early.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46There's valour in defeat.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48- Wait.- 'That's it. I'm coming in.'
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Leave them alone, Alfie.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Don't you mind your boyfriend's in there with the
0:21:52 > 0:21:53prettiest girl in school?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- Shut up, you're just jealous. - Get off me, Tuf-fanny!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00What's that...
0:22:00 > 0:22:01..wet feeling?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02It's not me, I swear!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Oh, no.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I think I just got my first...
0:22:06 > 0:22:07..Pharaoh's curse.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Wait, your first? You mean you've... You've never...
0:22:12 > 0:22:15So you've, er, had your first period.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Erm, congratulations.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18You're a woman. Don't freak out.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20It, er, happens late for some girls.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22We can still kiss, though, can't we?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I have to go!
0:22:24 > 0:22:25- Argh!- Ruby, wait!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30What's going on? Is this an orgy?!
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Get out!
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Roly, what is going on here?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37What do you care? You're too busy with Bruce to understand!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Bruce? What's he talking about?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Sam and Bruce are shagging.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Kids' imaginations!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Listen, Claire, I can explain everything. The thing is...
0:22:46 > 0:22:47that I'm going to run.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50HE SIGHS
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Ryan's going to propose.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- How do you know? - I can just feel it.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Like when you eat 12 packets of Maltesers
0:22:58 > 0:22:59and you know you're going to be sick.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- You've eaten 12 packets of Maltesers? - 18's my record.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06That's what I get for watching the Buffy box set.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08You could do a lot worse than Ryan.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Yeah, I know.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Ryan's nice and...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Good, fun...
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Safe.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Safe is good.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26But I don't want to be safe.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I want to be...
0:23:28 > 0:23:29thrilled.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Just once more...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36..before I'm locked away for good.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48There.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49See?
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Nothing ruined.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Melodie?
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Ryan...
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Got it! Reservoir Dogs!
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Ryan, it's not what it looks like!
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Oh, really? Cos it looked a lot like you two were sucking face.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31We weren't kissing,
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Alfie locked us in the storeroom
0:24:32 > 0:24:35and then I got a Skittle stuck down my throat.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Was it an orange one? God, I hate those guys.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39You must think I'm stupid, Andy?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41It's not like I didn't know there was a spark between you two
0:24:41 > 0:24:45but I thought you were cooler than that. How could you, man?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47And dressed as a character from my all-time favourite film.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- You know, I'm never going to be able to watch Blues Brothers again.- Yes!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Finally, somebody gets... It...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Bruce, are you slamming this bony bitch?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Hey! Aww, do you think I'm bony?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I was joking. They're not really together.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04- Yes, they are.- Who the fuck are you?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Claire. Who the fuck are you?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07I'm Sam's brother.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Hang on, you're Bruce's ex, Claire?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12And you think them two are together?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I think I would know if my sister was shacking up with Bruce.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19It's true.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Claire.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24But now that everything's out in the open,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27hopefully we can handle this like adults.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Truce?
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Ow!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Yeah, yeah?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Don't! You wouldn't dare. I've just had my roots done!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42What on earth is going here?!
0:25:42 > 0:25:43CROWD GASPS
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Hi, Tiff.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Hey.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I appreciate you sticking up for me before.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Especially considering...
0:26:06 > 0:26:07What?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I just wanted to say thanks.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10You're welcome.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Haven't said thank you yet.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24No matter how hard I try doing things right,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I always end up with egg on my face.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Or cupcake in your hair.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32It's my fault.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I should have been honest with Claire.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I guess I'm just a malfunctioning robot.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Somebody should probably give you a service then.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43You're right, otherwise we might have a CAT-atsrophe on our hands.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- Ow!- Yeah?!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Bruce, can you give us a minute?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Look, Claire. I just want to say, for my part,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I didn't handle the situation well and I'm really sorry.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Yeah. I really need to step back
0:27:01 > 0:27:04and take a good long look at myself after this too.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Really?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07No.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Watch your back, bitch.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18So, if you knew about your mum and Bruce...
0:27:19 > 0:27:21..why didn't you tell me?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I figured you'd have a meltdown about it being weird
0:27:24 > 0:27:27between you and Bruce, and make it all about yourself.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Did you have your first kiss?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32A gentleman never tells.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Yeah, but Blues Brothers don't keep secrets, do they?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37All right, then.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Do you love Melodie?
0:27:43 > 0:27:44You know...
0:27:48 > 0:27:50..next year, we should come as Ghostbusters.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Great. Another film I haven't heard of.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Are the costumes for that wedgie-inducing as well?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Nah. Super baggy and comfortable.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Naturally, I'll be Bill Murray.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01You'll be Harold Ramis, obviously.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05And Bruce is going to have to be Ernie Hudson.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08And Tiff is just going to have to live with being Aykroyd.