0:00:02 > 0:00:04Here's one - "Door attendant for a nightclub in Stoke Newington."
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- That's music related. - Standing in a doorway in Stokey
0:00:07 > 0:00:09isn't REALLY music related, is it?
0:00:09 > 0:00:13- All right.- How about, "A mover at a piano factory in Ealing"?
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Look, Suzan, despite my brawny physic,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18you might be surprised to learn I'm not much of pack mule.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I have a bulging lumbar.
0:00:22 > 0:00:23That's not as dirty as it sounds.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25I give up, Mr King. We've been at this for weeks
0:00:25 > 0:00:28and I haven't found a single job up to your standards.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31How about fighter pilot? "I feel the need, the need for..."
0:00:31 > 0:00:35A job that doesn't take years of training and qualifications.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37MOBILE BUZZES
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Have you had any employment outside of music?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50When I was a teenager I worked in a cinema for six months.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51That was until the nacho incident.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Health and safety found some swimmers in the liquid cheese.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58It wasn't me, but I took the bullet cos I'm a team player.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01And then I've just been working at Carpet Brothers for the last year.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03That was until I got myself intentionally fired.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05- And why would you do that? - Severance, duh!
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Wait, this is confidential right? Like a doctor-patient thing?
0:01:10 > 0:01:16This programme contains adult humour and contains very strong language.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Hello, Mr Calcite.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Looking very handsome today.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Who's touched my minerals?
0:01:27 > 0:01:28- What's up sailor?- Hi, Roly.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30They were all organised alphabetically
0:01:30 > 0:01:32and now opal's in fluorite's place. It's mayhem!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Are you sure you didn't move them by mistake?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Mistake? Me? Mistake?
0:01:37 > 0:01:41I, um, might have moved them accidentally while I was cleaning.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42You cleaned my room?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Sweetheart, would you give us a minute?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Roly, listen... - How long is she staying?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Roly, you have to face it, she's living with us now.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55And please stop calling her "she". Veronica's only trying to help.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Well, I found Helpful Veronica's super-plus tampons
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- in the bathroom three weeks ago. - So...?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03So by my calculations, she's ovulating.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Therefore, I highly suggest that you use a prophylactic.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07We wouldn't want any mistakes.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Andy, we need to talk.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13George, I can't talk now. Got a conference call with Berlin.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14You're nearly three months late.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17That explains the bloating and the morning sickness.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- First trimesters, eh? - I want my rent, Andy.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- How about I pay you in guitar lessons?- Hate guitar.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Fine. How about this, then?
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Are you bribing me with drugs?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26That depends - is it working?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Fine. But I want my money ASAP or you're out.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31- MOBILE RINGS - Cool stuff.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Yep?- Hey, Andy. It's Ben.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Shit. Did Roly tell you about the shoplifting?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38- He made me do it.- What shoplifting?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40HE LAUGHS
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Gotcha!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Ah...
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- How can I help?- Listen, can you take care of Roly this weekend?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- Andy?- Sorry, I was just checking to see if hell had frozen over.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I can't believe I'm asking this either.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55And don't tell Sam this. Um...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57He's having a few teething problems with Veronica.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00He could use some outside perspective.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03You know, you could do your "cool uncle" thing.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07So, you're pawning off your kid's problems on cool Uncle Andy?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- Forget it. This was a bad idea. - No, no, no, no! No, Ben, Ben.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I'll do it...on one condition.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14I'm not paying you.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I don't want you to pay me!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18But will you pay my rent?
0:03:18 > 0:03:19I'll pay for dinner. Now, come pick him up.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22And, Andy, remember - don't tell Sam.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24You have my word.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Ben's making me look after Errol this weekend
0:03:26 > 0:03:29cos he can't stop fighting with Ver-on-ica!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- Hello?- Has Mum called you yet?
0:03:31 > 0:03:32No. She's not going to visit, is she?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Do I have to stock up on Sambuca and unfiltered Camels?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39No. Uncle Frank's dying. Stage 4. It's in his lungs.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Huh.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Oddly...I don't give a shit.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Thank God it's not just me. I thought I was a horrible person.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Is he in hospital?- No. He's at his cabin. He's got days, apparently.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- You're not planning on visiting? - Fuck no.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I'm supposed to be working on my dissertation.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56But so far, I have spent three hours on my Pinterest page
0:03:56 > 0:03:59for my imaginary horse sanctuary.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01That miserable bastard can die alone.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03He taught me how to skin joints for him when I was six.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Tiny hands make great special smokes.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Do you remember how he used to call you shit brains?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- No?- "Shit brains!"
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I swear, if he left us anything in his will, I wouldn't take it.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I don't want his blood money.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15How much blood money are we talking about?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I remember hearing he made a few hundred grand in insurance
0:04:18 > 0:04:20after his strip club burnt down.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22So, what are you doing today?
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Get in!
0:04:24 > 0:04:25She touched my minerals!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28The next thing you know, she'll be using my laminator or my embosser!
0:04:28 > 0:04:29What does Dad see in her?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Wait, where are we going? I thought we were going to your place.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- We're going to visit Uncle Frank. - Who?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Me and your mum's Uncle. You know, your Grandma Jane's brother.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Oh. I never knew I had a great uncle.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Trust me, he's not that great.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43He dropped off the map when he went to prison
0:04:43 > 0:04:44for stealing dialysis machines.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I think he tried to sell one to Osama Bin Laden.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Well, this is great! He'll know how to handle Veronica.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I've been looking for a wise old mentor.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52I thought I was your mentor!
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- I said "wise", didn't I? - Good luck with that. He hates kids.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56When we were played hide-and-seek,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58he'd make me hide in the tumble dryer.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Why are we going to visit him, then?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Because I'm late on my rent and he's about to croak and...
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- I need to check if I'm in his will. - HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:05:05 > 0:05:08You're taking advantage of a dying man? That's disgusting.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Tumble dryer! Yeah?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12What would you say if I told you that he used to steal my minerals,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14grind them up and snort them for breakfast?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Well, I'd say step on it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Never seen a dying person before.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Don't worry.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Just try and imagine him with a clown's nose.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32You want me to imagine a dying clown?
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Hello?
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Uncle Frank?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Uncle Frank?
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Is he dead?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I don't know. Check his pulse.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Ew, I don't touch raw chicken. I'm not going to touch some dead guy.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09He's not some dead guy, he's Frank.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Now, show some respect and check your dead uncle's pulse.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13GUN SHAFT CLICKS
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Who are you?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Hello, Frank. It's your nephew, Andy.- I haven't got a nephew.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22And if I did, he wouldn't look like a Big Issue seller.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Now, I'm going to count to three
0:06:23 > 0:06:25and you and the skinny girl better be gone by two.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26One...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28This is Errol, Sam's son.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30HIGH-PITCHED: You have a lovely home.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- Two...- I'm too young to die! I haven't seen a solar eclipse.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- BANG!- Argh!
0:06:34 > 0:06:35FRANK LAUGHS
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Got you, shit brains!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39It's not loaded.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Think I can't remember my own sister's loser kid?
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Make yourself at home.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Can I get you anything? Whisky? Bourbon?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53How about a nice chamomile, perhaps?
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Just pretend he's not here.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Why are you here, shit brains?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- I heard you were dying. - I'm not dying.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Nothing a good steak and a Lemsip won't sort out.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Just came to see if I could do anything to help?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I haven't seen you for 15 years. How are you going to help?
0:07:09 > 0:07:10I'm a great caregiver.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14I once kept a whole tank of sea monkeys alive for almost a year.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Just pretend he isn't here.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19FRANK COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Shouldn't you be in a hospital, Uncle Frank?
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Those pricks, they don't want to cure you.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24They want to keep you nice and sick
0:07:24 > 0:07:26so you can line the drug companies' pockets.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Plus, I was banned - groping a nurse.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31What is the NHS coming to, eh?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36That's Rasputin, the meanest fighting cock you've ever seen.
0:07:36 > 0:07:3850 fights, undefeated.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Oh, he's the light of my life.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Anyway. Nice of you to pop in.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45You can both piss off now. Antiques Roadshow's about to start.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48All right, fine. We'll leave.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51It's just a shame to let all these go to waste.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56There might be a little something you can do round the house.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57No!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59You can have these when we're finished.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01First, how can I help?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- You could do the dishes. - Errol, adults are talking.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Kid's right. Do my dishes.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Why don't we go to the cinema after this, Uncle Frank?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- They say laughter is the best medicine.- Shut up.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Trying to find out how much this porcelain chamber pot's worth.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Should you be smoking in your condition, Uncle Frank?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23They're his lungs. He can do what he likes.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Do you know who you remind me of?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34A young Brian Cox? The physicist, not the actor.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35He's a cox, all right.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38You remind me of Helmet Harry. We was in the Falklands together.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40He was built like an anorexic flamingo and all.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I didn't know you were in the Falklands, Uncle Frank.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46You didn't know your dick was attached to your balls.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Anyway, he was obsessed with keeping his helmet spotless.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51If he got anything on his helmet,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Harry'd be polishing away like that, bullets whistling by.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55What happened to him?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Got his head shot off, didn't he? Mid-polish.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Great funeral, though.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Ooh. His mum gave my helmet a little bit of a polish and all, son.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03FRANK LAUGHS
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Nice one, Frank, you ledge.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Here, have a look at the shrapnel they pulled out of my arse.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09I'd, er, love to.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15What are you doing?!
0:09:15 > 0:09:16I'm learning about the older generation.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20It's like the History Channel, but with less Hitler and more swearing.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Ask Frank if I'm in his will.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25No. No, we've got too much in common. We both love antiques.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- You like collecting farts in a jar. - Jesus, that was once!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30You ask him. Just be up front with him.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I think he responds to blunt honesty.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- I can't ask him that. - You're terrified of him, aren't you?
0:09:34 > 0:09:35- Yeah, right.- Oi!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Get your arse in here, Errol.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Ask him.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43This little bastard was an inch away from paralysing me.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Cool.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50What type of mineral is that?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52That's a kidney stone.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55It was like passing a meteor through a bendy straw.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Here. It's yours.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Shouldn't you leave it in your will
0:09:59 > 0:10:01to the Imperial War Museum or something?
0:10:01 > 0:10:02I'd never write a will.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Two things in this life you never trust - cats and banks.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09That's why I buried all my money out in the garden.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11How do you remember where you put it?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I got a map...like Long John Silver.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Who's that?
0:10:21 > 0:10:22I don't know.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Came with the frame.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27MOBILE RINGS
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Um, just looking for the bathroom.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- Hello? Oh, you've got company? - Janice.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40This is my shit-brained nephew and this is my...my great-nephew, Errol.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Hi, there boys. Frank, I brought you some shepherd's pie.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Oh! I love pie.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Janice runs the sheep farm next door with her husband.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49I do the cooking, he does the humping and lumping.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Don't sell yourself short, Janice. You do plenty of humping.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Oh, Frank!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Oh, Frank! Ohh!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57'Ooh! Frank! Ooh!'
0:11:00 > 0:11:01'Oh, Frank!'
0:11:01 > 0:11:03That's the most disturbing noise I've ever heard -
0:11:03 > 0:11:05and I've heard foxes mate.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06We need to find that map.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08So, now you want to steal? Frank doesn't deserve that.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Did it never occur to you that maybe he doesn't hate kids?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Maybe he just hates you?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Just keep a look out for me.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20MOBILE RINGS
0:11:20 > 0:11:21What is it?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- You haven't responded to my Candy Crush invite.- What?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26I can't unlock the next level until you accept my invite.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I swear I will start on my dissertation right after that.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35Oh! I love that shepherd's pie!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37She can do what she likes anywhere else in the house,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40but just stay out of my room and keep your claws off my minerals.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42You know what you want to do?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- Get a life? - Write her a stern letter.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Shave her hair off.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47What? You mean, like, metaphorically?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Use scissors or a razor or whatever you've got.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51That's what I did when a bloke tried it on with me in the nick.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I mean, I'm not one to turn down a free Billy Joel,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56don't get me wrong, he was too ugly for radio.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59You're like a real-life Shawshank Redemption, aren't you.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- Did he leave you alone after that? - Nah!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Got beaten to a pulp, spent three months in the prison hospital.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Still can't shit right.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06But I stood up for myself.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Fill it up.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12And don't forget the kid.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh. He doesn't drink.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15No, no - I'll have a little.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Not after what happened last time. Your folks would kill me.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- What happened? You go on a bender? - HE CHUCKLES
0:12:21 > 0:12:22No, he...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Doesn't matter, the answer's no.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30You look like you could do with a refill, Uncle Frank.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Shall I get you another bottle?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34That's the best idea you've had all day, shit brains.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Shit brains to the rescue.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43So, who's the girl, then?
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Girl?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48You said it came with the frame but they don't put Polaroids in frames.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Uh-huh.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55That's Maggie, my daughter.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Do you see her much?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04No. I ain't seen her since she was little.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Did a little bit of digging recently, though,
0:13:10 > 0:13:12and turns out she works in Southend Hospital.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14She's a maternity nurse.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I spent all my life running. Turns out she works 40 minutes away.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Somebody up there's got a sick sense of humour, kid.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Oi! What's keeping you, shit brains?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Would you like bottle service at your table, sir?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Depends...when you've done looking for my map.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Wait! Me and Uncle Frank were just starting to bond.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43He was teaching me how to deal with Veronica,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- and maybe even the meaning of life! - The meaning of life is
0:13:46 > 0:13:49don't get killed by a psychotic criminal who's high on pure oxygen.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Wait, you can't drink and drive.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Watch me.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56ENGINE STUTTERS
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Oh, no, no, no, no.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59No, no, no! Come on!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Leaving so soon?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I was about to pop a frozen pizza into the oven.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07All right, then. Thanks. Bye.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12They can't fix the car till tomorrow.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Are you going to ask?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Ask what?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17If you can stay the night.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Well, can we?
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Yeah.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25But if either of you touch my vintage porn collection,
0:14:25 > 0:14:26I'll cut your tits off.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29This sofa pulls down into a bed.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Don't worry about the stain on the mattress.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Little bit of shepherd's pie.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Oh, no.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I am destined to live a life of poverty.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I will never be able to afford my own Flying V guitar,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47handmade boots, my own bidet.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49You just need to pay your rent.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Why don't you ask Frank for a loan?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Frank's not going to give me a loan!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55He's never done anything nice for me. Why would he start now?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Well, have you ever done anything nice for him?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02TOILET FLUSHES
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Ahh.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Nothing quite like the first piss of the day, lads.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12What are you two looking so happy about?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14You ain't found my stash of magic mushrooms, have you?
0:15:14 > 0:15:18No. But we have invited someone magical over.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Who? Drum roll...
0:15:23 > 0:15:24BOTH: Maggie!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I think he just needs some time to process.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35MOBILE RINGS
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Hello? What are you doing up?
0:15:37 > 0:15:41I just bought a superfood nutrition extractor, aka the NutriBullet.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- What?- OK, it's basically just a juicer but it's amazing
0:15:44 > 0:15:46and it's so easy to clean, which is great cos
0:15:46 > 0:15:48when I'm working on my dissertation, I won't have time for the dishes.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- YELLS:- Motherfucker!
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Who was that?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- DOOR SLAMS - Frank.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- You took Roly to meet Uncle Frank!? - Sam...
0:15:55 > 0:15:56HANG-UP TONE
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Sam?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Wait, Frank!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Shit, Frank!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06You better contact Maggie right now and un-invite her.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I'm sorry, we just thought...
0:16:08 > 0:16:12You? Who gave you permission to think, shit brains?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- OK, OK! I'll phone her! - It's too late.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Hi, there.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25I'm you're cousin Andy. This is my nephew Errol.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- Yes, it's a stupid name. - How was the drive?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Just a trip down the motorway.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- Thank God for Radio 4. - Oh, I love Radio 4.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Especially Woman's Hour.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Did you hear the episode with Hillary Clinton?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Would you like a drink?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39There's no chamomile.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Um...I'm all right, thanks. I don't...
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Hi.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47What's going on?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50You told me he was dead and you needed me to identify the body?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52You said I was dead?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54He said you dropped a radio in the bath.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57A radio? That'd never work.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Well, it could work. Hypothetically.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- I can't do this. - No, no, Maggie, wait!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"Dear Maggie, happy eighth birthday.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06"I'm sorry I can't visit this year.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08"I know I promised, but something's come up."
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Where'd you get that? You give that back.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"I got your cards and I know you miss me,
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"but just cos you love a thing don't make it good for you.
0:17:15 > 0:17:20"Like sniffing glue. Have a nice life. Love, Frank."
0:17:20 > 0:17:22But you never posted this letter, did you, Frank?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24You had no right to go through my stuff.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Frank, stop.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28CLOCK TICKS
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Have you seen Frank's vintage porn collection?
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Or his cock?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Look, Maggie, it was nothing against you, the whole losing touch thing.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Losing touch? Is that what you call it?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I think that's called deserting, Frank.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Pot-ae-to, pot-a-to.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47You were better off without me.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50You left me with a crazy person.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Mum blamed me for you abandoning us. And you know what?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55The whole thing would have been almost bearable
0:17:55 > 0:17:57with a phone call once in a while.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00In Frank's defence, there is hardly any reception up here.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Yeah, I mean, I've only got one bar.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05You've avoided responsibility your whole life
0:18:05 > 0:18:09and now I'm supposed to forgive you because you're dying?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I've been telling people you were dead for years.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Makes it easier when my son asks questions.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15You have a son?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Grandpa Frank. That's got a nice ring to it.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19I can't do this.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21What did you guys think was going to happen?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Frank and I would make up for lost time
0:18:23 > 0:18:25and I'd whisper, "I love you, Daddy"?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27You don't have to whisper if you don't want to.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28All right, let's start over!
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Frank, how about you say, "Hello, Maggie,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33"it's nice to see you after all these years."
0:18:33 > 0:18:35And Maggie, how about you say, "Frank..."
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- You piece of shit, I'll kill you! - Sam?
0:18:38 > 0:18:39You had no right bringing Roly here!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I never wanted him to meet Uncle Frank.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- How did you get here so quickly? - I speeded.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Mum, no!- Yes. Errol, get in the car now!
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Sorry - who are you?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I'm Frank's estranged daughter, Maggie.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I'm Frank's estranged niece, Sam. Hi.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52What did I do to piss you off?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Really? Nothing comes to mind?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56What? I hit you once?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Wow! Huh.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00You are a piece of work, Frank.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Good luck with the dying.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03- Nice to meet you.- Bye.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Who wants some tea?
0:19:07 > 0:19:13It was all fine till you idiots showed up.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16You think I don't know why you're here?
0:19:18 > 0:19:19There is no map.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21You want some money?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Then stop avoiding a hard day's work and go out and earn it.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Avoiding?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29You're the one that's hiding in a cabin in the woods like Bigfoot.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Face it Frank, you're going to die.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33You know what?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37It's people like you, make me wish that cancer was contagious.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39What are you looking at, you?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41You never seen a monster before, son?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- You're not a monster. - What would you know?
0:19:44 > 0:19:48You're too busy worrying about your precious minerals!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50They're just rocks!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52You want to know how to handle your dad's girlfriend?
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Get some rocks of your own, you whiny little shit!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Now, you yet out. - It's not even loaded.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Get out!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12He can't get away with this.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13No, Sam!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Stay here.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22CHOKING
0:20:24 > 0:20:26FRANK WHEEZES
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Chest pains started a couple of months ago.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I thought it was an old fighting injury acting up.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Then came the cough.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44HE SIGHS
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Lungs like a puddle of mud.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I tried putting it off until, uh...
0:20:51 > 0:20:53till I passed out at the race track.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Woke up in hospital shot through with needles.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Doctors said I have a week to live, tops.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04That was a week ago.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I thought you were banned for groping a nurse?
0:21:06 > 0:21:10No, that's just me building up my rep, kid.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14They begged me to stay, but I wanted to enjoy my last few hours.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18That was before you lot showed up.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Look, Frank, the hospital has grade-A pain meds...
0:21:20 > 0:21:23If you went back, you wouldn't have to be alone.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26We could keep you company, you know, until...
0:21:26 > 0:21:27FRANK COUGHS
0:21:27 > 0:21:29No, that's not my speed.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Plus...
0:21:34 > 0:21:37they don't have lovely shepherd's pie in the hospital.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Look, there's one thing you can do for me before you go.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44You dug your own grave.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Who else was going to do it?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47It's a bit morbid, isn't it?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Of course it's morbid, it's a fucking grave.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I bet the Council won't approve of this.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Right. Who's first up? And...and no sugar-coating.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Um...
0:21:59 > 0:22:03There are over 4,000 different types of officially recognised minerals.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Some people may ask, "Errol, what's your favourite type of mineral?"
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Nobody ever asks that.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10The point isn't what my favourite type of mineral is -
0:22:10 > 0:22:12kyanite, by the way -
0:22:12 > 0:22:15it's about how each mineral has its own qualities.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17And if I had to say which mineral best represents Uncle Frank,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I'd say...cinnabar.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Known for its vibrant red colour. Also known as dragon's blood.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Unfortunately, cinnabar, aka mercury sulphide,
0:22:28 > 0:22:29is the most toxic mineral on earth.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31And that's how I'll remember Uncle Frank,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33as someone who caught the eye
0:22:33 > 0:22:36but if you stayed with him too long, he'd kill you.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Hm.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40HE CHUCKLES
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Samantha?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I'm not saying I want Uncle Frank to go to hell,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49just somewhere he'd really hate,
0:22:49 > 0:22:53like an aquarium filled with hundreds of kids on a school trip
0:22:53 > 0:22:55for all eternity.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56I'm going to miss him,
0:22:56 > 0:22:59the way you miss that feeling just after you've thrown up when you...
0:22:59 > 0:23:01when you still feel sick but...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05..but you're relieved the worst is over.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Mm.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10You're up, shit brains.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Uncle Frank...
0:23:14 > 0:23:18In a family of black sheep, you were by far the blackest.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22And, coming from me, that is high praise indeed.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25And I confess, I only came here to see if you could pay my rent.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28But I learned something - life isn't all about rent.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32It's about shooting guns and watching panel shows.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Relationships are overrated, anyway.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Who cares if you take loads of drugs?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39People are just jealous you're having a better time than them.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I guess what I'm trying to say is...
0:23:41 > 0:23:45you caused a trail of destruction that can never be fixed.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50But at least you did it your way...
0:23:50 > 0:23:52you miserable prick.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57PS - stop calling me shit brains, it doesn't help my confidence.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Thank you, shit brains.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02It's my turn.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Frank, you dead piece of shit.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Look at all the things you've done in your life,
0:24:09 > 0:24:10like when you mugged a priest.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Or when you tried to sell dead people's teeth to the Russians.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Or that night you spent with Dirty Carla.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20Ooh. she made the back of a Skoda feel like a night in the Dorchester.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23But if there is anything to learn from all this,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27it's don't mix coke and heroin -
0:24:27 > 0:24:30it makes your chest feel like it's bursting
0:24:30 > 0:24:31and caving in at the same time.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33And, uh...
0:24:37 > 0:24:38..I'm sorry.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41For everything.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47And remember - always take the piss out of life...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50..before life takes the piss out of you.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55HE CHUCKLES
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Well, it was, er, really interesting coming to meet you, Uncle Frank,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04and, um, I'll take your advice and stay firm with my ground rules.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07On behalf of the family, thank you for your service in the Falklands.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10What are you talking about? He was never in the Falklands.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- What about the shrapnel? - I got that off my bookie
0:25:12 > 0:25:16after he tried to blow me up in a Ford Granada.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18That's still pretty cool. Maybe we can visit again.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- I'll bring my own chamomile next time.- Sounds good.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24If you're interested, I'd love to interview you for my dissertation.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25What's it about?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Antisocial Personality Disorder.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Bye, Frank.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Deal's a deal.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Well, you do have your uses, shit brains.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40That I do, cancer man.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Look...
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I'm sorry I tried to rip you off.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Nothing I wouldn't have done, kid.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Maybe you are a chip off the old block, eh?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:25:52 > 0:25:53MESSAGE TONE BEEPS
0:25:55 > 0:25:57A girl I've been avoiding.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58You fancy her?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59It's complicated.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Any pearls?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Don't try anal on the first date. They don't like it.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08I'll keep that in mind.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- What's that?- It's the map.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14I want you to give it to Maggie when I kick it.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Will you do that for me?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Yeah, you have my word.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20No peeking.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22And don't worry - I'll leave you something valuable...
0:26:23 > 0:26:25..my porn collection.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Bye, Uncle Frank.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Bye, shit b...
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Andy.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Go on, fuck off. Bargain Hunt's about to start.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42MESSAGE TONE BEEPS
0:27:07 > 0:27:12# I don't believe in an interventionist God
0:27:18 > 0:27:23# But I know, darling, that you do
0:27:29 > 0:27:34# But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
0:27:39 > 0:27:44# Not to intervene when it came to you
0:27:47 > 0:27:52# Not to touch a hair on your head Leave you as you are
0:27:52 > 0:27:58# If He felt He had to direct you Then direct you into my arms
0:28:01 > 0:28:06# Into my arms, O Lord
0:28:06 > 0:28:11# Into my arms, O Lord
0:28:11 > 0:28:16# Into my arms, O Lord
0:28:16 > 0:28:20# Into my arms
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# And I don't believe
0:28:27 > 0:28:30# In the existence of angels
0:28:35 > 0:28:37# But looking at you
0:28:37 > 0:28:41# I wonder if that's true
0:28:45 > 0:28:49# But if I did I would summon them together... #