0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# This is a story of watching a man dying
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# The subject's unpopular but I don't feel like lying
0:00:09 > 0:00:11- # No, no - When I think of it now,
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# I acted like a sinner
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# I just washed my hands and I went for my dinner... #
0:00:17 > 0:00:20OVER RADIO: 'We're talking today about new beginnings.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23'Moments in your life where you feel like it's time for a change.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27'So, er, I'm on with a caller. Hi. What was your second chapter?'
0:00:27 > 0:00:28'So I used to work in the City...'
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- You're going to have to let her go. - But there's nothing wrong with her.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34All you've got to do is replace the windscreen, she's good as new.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Mate, this car's deader than disco.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I can't in any good conscience let you drive her out of here.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I get it. You found Jamiroquai in the tape deck?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Look, I can explain. I was feeling nostalgic!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46It's not Jamiroquai. Problem is, you'd be safer driving a shark tank.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Your gear box is shot, your engine bearings are worn to shit
0:00:49 > 0:00:52and your steering column's rustier than an old anchor.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54It'd actually be more expensive to fix it than buy a new car.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56But I've had that car since uni!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58We've been through everything together.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01The break-ups and the hangovers and...
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I had my only threesome in that back seat.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Yeah? What was it, girl-girl-boy or...boy-boy-girl?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09A threesome's a threesome! Point is, I'm not going to abandon her.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Look, how old are you, mate? What, 40, 41?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13- I'm 32.- Really?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Look, don't you think you should start driving something
0:01:16 > 0:01:17a little bit more...mature?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Face it, pal, you're not at uni any more.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26..two...three...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- Roly?- It's not my OCD.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- What?- Nothing. Um, is mum here?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Not yet. Do you have a minute for a chat in the living room?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35While I have a pulse, every room's a living room.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Hey, Roly.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Oh, is this about me reorganising the shoe rack?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I'm sorry I put yours on the bottom, Veronica.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47It's just, heels look better on floor level.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48No, it's fine.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51And thank you for colour coordinating everything,
0:01:51 > 0:01:52it looks much...neater.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Veronica and I just want you to know we're so proud
0:01:56 > 0:01:57of how you've handled this last year.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59There's been a lot of change.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I know I'm a big part of that.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04And sorry I added those series links without your permission.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08You've dealt with it all so admirably and shown real maturity.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I can't believe you're turning 14 in two weeks!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13You're becoming a man in front of our eyes.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15It's like you could cope with anything.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Look, Roly, the thing is, um...
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Veronica and I are... - DOORBELL RINGS
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Oh! That'll be mum. Er, TBC guys.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27KNOCK ON DOOR
0:02:31 > 0:02:32They made me kill my car.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I feel like Lassie's just been shot.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- Can I come in? - I don't hear from you for months
0:02:36 > 0:02:38and now you want to come in?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Can't we just go back to the way things were before the...
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- K-I-S-S?- It happened, Andy.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45G-R-O-W U-P.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- Grow up!- You should have said there was a space in it.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52This was a mistake, I'm sorry, I'll go.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Ryan and I broke up.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Do you want me to have a word with him?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I mean, I can tell him it was all my fault.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02No, I...I broke it off.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05He'll make an amazing husband to somebody.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I'm just... I'm not ready.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- You having a spring clean? - Yeah, er...
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- I'm moving.- I heard that the rent round here is crazy town.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- To America.- Well, you can start with South Croydon.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16It'd make the commute easier.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Actually, I-I saw a listing for a publishing house in New York.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Editor's assistant.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Shit pay, but, um, it's always been my dream to work in publishing.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I didn't know you liked books.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I'm an English teacher.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32So, when are you leaving?
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Tonight.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37You know you-you inspired me to make this change, Andy.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41You live on the edge of disaster and I could do with a bit of that.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Spent my life trying to be a grown-up and...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45it's time to be selfish for a change.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- Yeah. Doesn't this seem a bit rash, though?- You tell me, Andy.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Is there any reason I should give it a second thought?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I leave for Heathrow at five.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58# I could never be your woman... #
0:03:58 > 0:04:01RADIO DJ: 'And that was a classic track from White Town.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04'We're still talking about taking a plunge and changing your life.'
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Hi, caller, what's your name?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Hi, it's, um...Zach.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Hi, Zach, what can we do for you?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Well...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I never thought it would happen to me
0:04:14 > 0:04:17and then one day I found myself falling madly into
0:04:17 > 0:04:22a massive case of...
0:04:22 > 0:04:23the bed bugs.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26All of a sudden, I find out that the bed bugs are planning
0:04:26 > 0:04:29on moving to America and I'm not sure I want to get rid of them.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32No, you always want to get rid of bed bugs.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Bed bugs are bad.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Hello?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Holy shit!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Great space and wonderful views.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40George, what's going on?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42The bedroom has terrific light.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44And we'll deal with the smell.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Time's up, Andy.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I'm evicting you and suing you for three grand in back rent.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Oh, no, you're not, cos check this out.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Boom!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I've just won three and a half grand for coming third in a song contest.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Ooh, it's a piece of paper with your name on it.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00What good's that to me? I'm done with the delay tactics, Andy.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- Game over.- Wait! What if I can get you the money by the end of the day?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05I'm leaving for Pilates at five, that gives you three hours.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07After that, I'm changing the locks.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Don't worry about the carpets, we'll get them industrially cleaned.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11No more mystery stains.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12They're not mystery stains.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13- They're semen.- Eurgh...
0:05:17 > 0:05:18What's that about?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Oh, my landlord's kicking me out cos I haven't paid him his back rent.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22- You haven't got three grand? - Fuck off.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I'm still struggling to pay the 20 grand mortgage
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I took out for my coke habit.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- Listen, Roly's in a bit of a mood. - DOOR SLAMS
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Hey! Here's my sunshine!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32The pollen's making my sinusitis play up.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Great. Well, I need you both at the flat for five on the dot.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- Why me?- I'm making dinner, remember. Don't be late.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Bye, sweetheart.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Did you know that Melodie's moving to America?
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Yes, the school had a big going-away party.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Why do you care anyway? I thought you weren't speaking?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I don't care. Whatever.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I think Dad's going to marry Veronica.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53What's the point? I'm already letting her live with us.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- Surely that's enough. - That must suck for you.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Anyway, why are we eating at five?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Is your mum on one of her weird diets again?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01She's planning my surprise birthday party.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03She thinks she's being clever by doing it two weeks in advance,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06but really it's just like watching a dog try to solve a Rubik's cube.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I mean, what's so fun about being in a room full of people
0:06:09 > 0:06:11trying to give me a coronary?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I hope I die. That'll teach them.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15She's just trying to do something nice for you. Grow up.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- You grow up!- No, you grow up! - No, you grow up!- I will!
0:06:17 > 0:06:18By cashing this cheque.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I've already lost the car today - I'm not going to lose the flat.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: - Welcome to Cash Pig.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Our deals are a squeal.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I would like to cash this cheque, s'il vous plait.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Sorry. We are out of cash.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Joking! That'd be like a whorehouse without any whores.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Little man knows what I'm saying.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Just so you know - we take a 10% commission.- 10%?!
0:06:39 > 0:06:42If you've got a problem with that, you can always go to your bank.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I'm sure they can cash this in - oh! - two to three days.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- 10% fine, that's fine.- ID, please.
0:06:49 > 0:06:56OK, that's 3,150 paid by Songtest Inc to Andy King.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Songtest?
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Can I see that cheque?
0:06:59 > 0:07:00No! Don't show him!
0:07:04 > 0:07:05That's not your money!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Ha! He's joking! One minute, please.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I can't believe you didn't tell me our song won!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- It didn't win. It came third. - That was a collaboration.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15We need to split it between Val, Gwen, Casper, Hugo, me...
0:07:15 > 0:07:18They'll get their split after I'm back on my feet.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- Until then, nobody has to know. - But I know!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23It's like the first time you find out how sausage is made.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24You can never forget.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27If I lose my flat, then I'm going to be sleeping on your mum's sofa,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30touching all your things when you're at school.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Your towels, your toothbrush, your embosser...
0:07:34 > 0:07:35You wouldn't.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Wouldn't I?- Uh-oh.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40This cheque is made out to "Andy King."
0:07:40 > 0:07:43The name on this ID is Andrew. I can't cash this.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46You're going to have to get them to write you another cheque.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47No, no, no. I need that cash today.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Sorry. My manager won't let me.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52But I know a guy...
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Hi.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Er, we're here for the "Exterminator."
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Hi, er, Mr...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23..The Exterminator.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27We would like the "Total Kill Package," please.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30How much?
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Er, th-three grand.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35And I can pay you just as soon as I cash this cheque.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46What the fuck are you doing?!
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Give me the slip!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Sure. Sorry. Yes, yes, sir.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54You wearing a wire?
0:08:54 > 0:08:55HE SCOFFS
0:08:56 > 0:08:59No, no, no.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01No, I've seen Donny Brasco.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Why's he so quiet?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Because he is a dullard.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- What's your name?- It's, er...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08J-Joey.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11IN UNCONVINCING NEW JERSEY ACCENT: Er, Joey Falcone.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Sounds like you've got a bit of an accent there.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Sounds like you've got a bit of an accent there.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18What's an American boy doing knocking about
0:09:18 > 0:09:20with a middle-aged English weirdo?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24I'm 32! And he's on an exchange programme.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- The interest rate's 20%. - 20%! That's highway robbery!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38The cheque cashiers only took 10!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40What a shit accent!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Don't give up your day job, Dick Van Dyke.
0:09:42 > 0:09:4420% will be fine. Kids, eh?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47That's a nice painting. Your kids do it?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49No.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51My wife did.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52It's...It's nice.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Don't lie. It's bloody horrible.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- I only put it up cos she nagged me. - She's got you well by the nuts.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59That's because she is unbelievable in bed,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02otherwise I'd have got rid of her a very long time ago.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05She got a face that could blast the paint off a barn door.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08'Ere - my wife is so ugly, she could make an onion cry.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09HE CACKLES
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Your wife's so ugly, she don't need no Halloween costume.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14LAUGHTER
0:10:14 > 0:10:18My wife is so ugly, our wedding video's in the horror section!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Your-your wife's so ugly that the Elephant Man's like,
0:10:21 > 0:10:22"Eww - no thanks!"
0:10:22 > 0:10:24LAUGHTER DIES ABRUPTLY
0:10:30 > 0:10:31What did you say?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- Elephant Man. - HE SLAMS DRAWER
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Wait there.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- IN HUSHED TONES:- Joey Falcone?!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I was masking my identity, I panicked.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49You're one to talk, you insulted his wife!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50I thought we were bantering!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Well, he's going to kill us now. He's definitely going to kill you.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- Relax, I've got a plan. - What is it?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Run!
0:10:57 > 0:11:01MUSIC: Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford & Sons
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Faster!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07ANDY PANTS HEAVILY
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Oh...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Oh!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Oh, great(!) I lose my flat in an hour and a half.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20How about one of those payday loans? They give those to anyone.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Not if you've got a worse credit rating than a Greek bank.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- Excuse me! - Sorry, we don't have any change.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I don't want change. I want sleep.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- Now move along, we're full up here. - Hang on.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- I'm not homeless.- You sure? That jacket screams homeless.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34It's vintage!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37He's going for that, um, hobo chic look.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I sat outside a Greggs yesterday for eight hours.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Does that sound chic to you?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43No.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47My life is not some trendy fashion statement for you to appropriate.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Now, shove off before I get my mates involved.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Steve over there did three tours of Afghanistan.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54He's a walking Jacob's Ladder.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Well, go on, then! I'm not going to roll out the red carpet for you.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Carpet.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- Carpet. Thank you! Thank you! - SQUEAKING
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Bonny?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- Bonny!- Ugh. A rat.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10- WHIMPERING:- She wasn't a rat!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12She was my friend!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Hey, guys!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17He...killed...Bonny!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24HORN HONKS
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- You guys need a lift?- Shit, yes!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33What was that all about?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35We was just being chased by a bunch of deranged tramps.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37That's wild. So where to, lads?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Just down the road to Carpet Brothers?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- Thanks for this.- No probs.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43It's all about people helping people.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48I'm Blake, this is Archie, Winston, Raymond and Carter.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Welcome to our humble tour van.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- Are you guys in a band?- No, no.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53We're a collective.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Bands come with all this baggage of hierarchy and commercial gain.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59And we are just in it for the music.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02That's why we only use equipment made pre-'79.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04That's what I'm talking about! You know?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06You can say what you like about technological advancement,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09but for me, it really doesn't get any better than Phil Spector
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- and his "Wall of Sound." - Didn't Phil Spector kill someone?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Yeah, but I mean, come on, Be My Baby?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- So, er, you guys doing a lot of touring at the moment?- Yeah.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- We've been on the road for a year. - Live performance is a dying art.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24And it's getting to meet old timers like you
0:13:24 > 0:13:25that makes it all worthwhile, you know?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- What kind of music do you play? - Just music-music, I guess.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32We don't really go in for trends or genres.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Yeah, but, um, who are your influences?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Again, we don't believe in influences, really.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37But, I mean, you look like
0:13:37 > 0:13:39you've got some sort of folky vibe going on?
0:13:39 > 0:13:40- You must listen to Jim Croce?- Who?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Jim Croce - Operator, Time In A Bottle?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Have you heard of James Taylor? - James Taylor?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- Carole King? I mean, you're fucking with me? Tapestry?- No...
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- Johnny Cash?- Yes, yeah. The guy from the Joaquin Phoenix movie.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I like that one Adele song - Make You Feel My Love?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- That's a Dylan cover! - Why is all this so important to you?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Because music is an evolution.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02How can you move forward if you don't know where you've been?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Forget it. I don't know why I'm getting worked up about it.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- It's not like you're signed or anything.- Oh, no, we're signed.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10To Sony. We're supporting Mumford & Sons on their reunion tour.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Oh, hipsters. - Did you just call us hipsters?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I think he might have said "tipsters."
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"If you see something, say something," right, guys?
0:14:17 > 0:14:18- We're not hipsters.- Oh, yeah.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20You just happen to all be dressed
0:14:20 > 0:14:22like some sort of apocalyptic gypsy gang
0:14:22 > 0:14:24with facial hair from the Crimean War.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27It takes more than a ukulele and a tweed jacket
0:14:27 > 0:14:28- to be in a band...- Collective.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29I hate everything you stand for,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32from your roly cigarettes to your prescription-less glasses
0:14:32 > 0:14:35and your artisanal cheese-making and your male knitting.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37You're living in some sort of weird fictional version of the past
0:14:37 > 0:14:39that never existed.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42But I've got news for you - you're not beautiful unique snowflakes.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45You're nothing but a bunch of fucking posers!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48You couldn't keep your stupid mouth shut for five minutes, could you?!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- They were pricks! - Those pricks were trying to help!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53HORN HONKS
0:14:56 > 0:14:58ANDY PANTS
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I let you down, I let myself down,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02but most importantly, I let Carpet Brothers down.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I let the carpets down.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Since you fired me, I've really been able to work on myself.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10He's friendlier, more patient, giving.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13He's even promised to get me a microscope for my birthday.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Andy, I don't know how to tell you this.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Of course you can have your job back.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20It's not been the same without you.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I don't want my job back.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I just need to borrow three grand off you.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Look, I can pay you back in a couple of days,
0:15:27 > 0:15:29as soon as I get this cheque cashed.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Please. For my embosser.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35OK, I'll lend you the money.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36If you can sell them a carpet.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Hi there. Can I help you?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Er, yeah, we're looking for some carpeting for his new bedroom.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- But we're on a budget.- Well, we have the best prices in town.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Really? This app says Magic Carpet, which is just 0.28 miles away,
0:15:51 > 0:15:55has a 20% sale on all its stock.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Well, who cares about discounts? It's all about quality and selection.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Carpet Brothers' carpets are made from the finest materials,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05sourced from all over the world, but exclusively manufactured in the UK.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Who are you?- I'm his manager.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Aren't you a little young to be a manager?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11I'm 25. I have a pituitary condition.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Oh. Sorry.- No worries. It's a common mistake.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Can I talk to you over there for a second, Mr Manager?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20What do you think you're doing? You're screwing this up for me.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- Where did you get that shirt? - Roopesh gave it to me.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24The man's a treasure.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Look, relax. I know retail. I've read Mary Portas's book twice.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29You've got to be firm, but fair.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Sorry about that. Did anything catch your eye?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33What do you think of this carpet, Louie? I think it's nice.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36That one has the very latest in stain-resistant
0:16:36 > 0:16:37and hard-wearing fibres,
0:16:37 > 0:16:42and we can offer a 20% discount for today only.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- I hate it.- Yeah, it's horrible.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46No problem. I've got something I think you'll love.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Take a look at this beauty. I'm sure your dad will approve.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51He's not my dad. He's my stepdad.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Carpet shopping is his idea of fun bonding time.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55I know how exactly what you mean.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58My dad's girlfriend's always trying to get me to Madame Tussauds.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I don't care about the real life David Beckham,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02let alone his stupid wax double.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Um, I mean, I remember from when I was your age.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Yeah... And all he ever talks about is work.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I mean, who cares about food science?
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Food science can be a lot of fun.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Do you know how they measure calories? By blowing food up.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- Really? - Yeah. That's my third career choice.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Er, before I fell in love with carpets, of course.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Let's just say that you're a solitary grizzly bear.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24You start having feelings for a fox.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29She's smart and cute, with soft hair and quirky sense of humour.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31But she's still a fox.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35And she might lift you up with all of her foxy qualities.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37But you're just going to drag her down
0:17:37 > 0:17:38with all your bear shit, you know?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I saw a pig doing a goat on YouTube.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45And he's always buying me stuff to make me like him.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Hm, exploiting their insecurities for material gain.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49I hadn't thought of that.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I mean, um, you remind me a lot of myself when I was your age.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- You're a weird guy.- Thanks.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56You know, if you really want to show him,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58you should buy the most expensive carpet we've got.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01We haven't sold an inch of gold velour in, like, four years.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- How'd you do it? - I guess I'm just a natural salesman.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06You never change, Andy. That's what I love about you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Right, three grand, to be paid back asap, OK?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Now, put it away quick, cos my dad's in...
0:18:11 > 0:18:12- Roopesh!- Dad.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15This is the company's money.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18It belongs to Carpet Brothers, not Carpet Sons.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- That sucks.- Yeah. I didn't even get to keep the shirt.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23If we hurry, maybe we can find another cheque cashing place.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- There's got to be one that doesn't care about...- Oi!- ..IDs.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28There's the guy that insulted your wife.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29- Leg it!- Get him!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32MUSIC STARTS
0:18:50 > 0:18:52DRUMS BUILD
0:18:52 > 0:18:55# Fight for the future
0:18:58 > 0:19:01# Fight for the future
0:19:04 > 0:19:07# It's me versus you And there's nowhere to run
0:19:07 > 0:19:10# I can see in your eyes that the moment has come
0:19:10 > 0:19:14# A man's gotta do what has gotta be done
0:19:14 > 0:19:17# There's a dozen of you But with me, there's just one
0:19:17 > 0:19:20# Who can recall how we got to this place?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23# Let's put aside our differences and cut to the chase
0:19:23 > 0:19:27# Cos a kick to the nuts is like a slap in the face
0:19:27 > 0:19:30# To the children of tomorrow and the human race
0:19:30 > 0:19:33# Fight for the future
0:19:33 > 0:19:37# It's the clash of the titans Where legends must meet
0:19:37 > 0:19:39# Fight for the future
0:19:39 > 0:19:43# We'll be pounding the ground to the beat of the street
0:19:43 > 0:19:46# Pow, pow, pow Fuckin' holy cow
0:19:46 > 0:19:49# The only thing that matters is we're dancing now
0:19:49 > 0:19:52# Moving our feet as fast as time allows
0:19:52 > 0:19:55# As we fight through the night to make everything right
0:19:55 > 0:19:59# And use all of our might to dance all night
0:19:59 > 0:20:02# Fight for the future
0:20:02 > 0:20:06# Don't punch my... Don't punch my face
0:20:06 > 0:20:09# Fight for the future
0:20:09 > 0:20:12# Don't touch my... Don't touch my face
0:20:12 > 0:20:15# Fight for the future
0:20:15 > 0:20:19# No, not the... No, not the face
0:20:19 > 0:20:21# Fight for the future
0:20:21 > 0:20:26# Don't punch my... Don't punch my face
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- # Fight for the future... # - Uncle Andy? Uncle Andy?
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Uncle Andy?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44My wife might be a minger, but she's my minger.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47So, in future, you be a bit more tactful.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49You cunt.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50ANDY GROANS
0:20:52 > 0:20:55You took Bonny, so I'm going to take something you care about.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00It's tramps like you that give the homeless a bad name.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08We might be hipsters, but you're mean.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11And FYI, Hurt is my favourite Johnny Cash song, so...
0:21:12 > 0:21:14That's a Nine Inch Nails cover.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Oh, 15 minutes.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I'm going to be living on the street, selling my body for cash.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24No shame in that. Prostitution's one of the oldest professions.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I could make you a website. How about RandyAndy.net?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Dot net's much sluttier.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30PHONE BEEPS
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Or we could just go on the run.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I wouldn't have to go to this party
0:21:36 > 0:21:38or watch my dad get married to Veronica.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41You could live a life without burden. We could ramble and pick fruit.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43We could work on our art and push each other to be better,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45like Van Gogh and Gauguin,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48except without all the ear-lopping and suicide.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50And giving syphilis to all those Tahitian women.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55I have a confession.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- I set your phone 15 minutes fast. - Wait, what?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I thought it would help you with your lateness. It didn't work.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03But...good news is, we've got some more time.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05But who do we know with a spare three grand?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- Are you are having a fucking laugh? - I told you he'd say that.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Look, Val, I know I've brought this on myself,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13but if you help me get out of the hole I'm in,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I swear I'll start doing things differently.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16You know, from tomorrow.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Or the day after that, definitely. I'll do whatever it takes.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I'll let you kick me in the balls, or...
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Shut the fuck up, Andy. - I told you he'd say that, too.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25All right, we'll leave.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- How much do you need?- Seriously?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I knew a lad like you once.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Moving through life without purpose,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33people treating him like a freak for the way he was born.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36He didn't have anyone there for him when the chips were down.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37I get it.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39That freaky kid was you.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- I'm talking about my cousin Billy with cerebral palsy.- Oh.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Anyway, they say that life is like a roller-coaster.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Now, some people, they have a grand old time.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Some people cry and scream their heads off.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Some just vomit.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00And others close their eyes and try and make the whole world disappear.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I know! The ride's what you make of it.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- You've just got to enjoy the roller-coaster.- No, twat!
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I'm trying to tell you that the fair has more than one ride.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11You don't have to be on the roller-coaster.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14You can go on the...the teacups or the Ferris wheel
0:23:14 > 0:23:16or the whack-a-mole.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20So, today, Andy, I'm going to buy you a new ticket
0:23:20 > 0:23:22to get on a different ride.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24And you'd better fucking use it.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- I've got your money. - With two minutes to spare.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I bet you didn't think that was going to happen.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I have to say, I'm impressed.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- I'm still evicting you, though. - What? But he got your money.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39That he owed me. I won't have to sue. We're square.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I'll be the best tenant ever. I'll even fix the hole in the wall.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- What hole in the wall? - I mean...- Sorry.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46That couple have already put down a four-month deposit.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I'll give you the weekend to move out.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I'd throw out your mattress. The upstairs tenant reported bedbugs.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54DOOR SHUTS
0:23:54 > 0:23:57You're 35 minutes late. The food is totally cold.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Ohhh, the food.- Shit. We really were having an early dinner.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02What else did you think was happening?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05ALL: Surprise!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Oh, wow. Um, I had no idea.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- Well, thanks, guys. - Only the best for our birthday boy.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Er, Dad, I believe there was something you wanted to tell me.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- Oh, it can wait till later. - Let's do it now.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23It can be a...a dual celebration.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25OK.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Well, um, Veronica, do you want to...?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Er, Roly, guys, Sam...
0:24:31 > 0:24:32and Bruce.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Um, Veronica and I...
0:24:35 > 0:24:38are getting married.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- Yeah!- Aw, congratulations.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44APPLAUSE
0:24:44 > 0:24:47WHISPERS: Microscope, microscope, microscope.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- It's a telescope.- That is so cool.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Yeah, yeah... Actually, yeah, it is. Thanks, Dad.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01You know, you can always live with us, if you want.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- I wouldn't mind.- Thank you.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Your embosser will be safe, I promise.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11You know, as far as wicked stepmothers go,
0:25:11 > 0:25:12you could do a lot worse.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Yeah, I suppose.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Dad's entitled to a bit of happiness.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18And when love's staring you in the face,
0:25:18 > 0:25:20you'd be a fool to kick it in the teeth.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Even if it does have a subscription to Hello! magazine.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Be back in a second.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Be honest. Did you know about the party?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33No. No, you got me. Total surprise.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- You know that Bruce really helped me put all this all together.- Cool.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41How would you feel about him being around a little bit more?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43How much more?
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Well, we were thinking of, um... of moving in together.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54What, like, um...me, you, Bruce
0:25:54 > 0:25:57and...and Tiffany?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Well, Tiff's joint custody like you, so...
0:26:00 > 0:26:02so sometimes, yeah.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05But, you know, we'll figure it out.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Great.- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Yeah? I love you. Mwah!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14So, now you know my sob story.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17The worst thing that could've happened, happened.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19And you know what?
0:26:20 > 0:26:21I don't even care.
0:26:21 > 0:26:27- I'm going to start a new chapter in my life. Only...- 'Only?'
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Well, it's too late. My foxy bedbug has left me.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- She went to Heathrow at five. - Well, then there's still time.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37It's six o'clock now, so unless you've got a DeLorean
0:26:37 > 0:26:39or a magic police box lying around...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42'If she left at five for an international flight,'
0:26:42 > 0:26:44the flight doesn't leave until eight or nine.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- I've still got time? - Yes, dummy, you still have time.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Sam! I need to borrow your car keys.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- What for? - I need to cause a disaster.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54OK, but you'd better not change my radio presets.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00PHONE RINGS
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Melodie, I was about to call you. Please say you haven't left yet.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05'Andy, who's Melodie?'
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Teresa? Ah... Um, I'm sorry. I can't talk right now.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11'Don't worry. I won't keep you long.'
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I just wanted you to know my husband's left me.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Oh, shit. I'm...sorry.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Well, not your fault. Finding my pregnancy test didn't help.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22He had a vasectomy 20 years ago.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24- Uh-huh.- 'Are you listening, Andy?'
0:27:26 > 0:27:27I'm pregnant.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29'So much for the menopause.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31'Andy?'
0:27:34 > 0:27:38# Still don't know what I was waiting for
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# And my time was running wild
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# A million dead-end streets and...
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# Every time I thought I'd got it made
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# It seemed the taste... #
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Do you want to go for a drive?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Where?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Anywhere.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Sounds perfect.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58# I've never caught a glimpse
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# How the others must see the faker
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# I'm much too fast to take that test
0:28:07 > 0:28:09# Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
0:28:09 > 0:28:11# Turn and face the stranger
0:28:11 > 0:28:13# Ch-Ch-Changes
0:28:13 > 0:28:16# Don't wanna be a richer man
0:28:16 > 0:28:19# Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
0:28:19 > 0:28:21# Turn and face the stranger
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# Ch-Ch-Changes
0:28:23 > 0:28:26# Just gonna have to be a different man
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# Time may change me
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# But I can't trace time
0:28:38 > 0:28:39# Ooh, yeah
0:28:43 > 0:28:46# Time may change me
0:28:46 > 0:28:48# But I can't trace time
0:28:48 > 0:28:52# I said that time may change me
0:28:52 > 0:28:56# But I can't trace time. #