0:00:02 > 0:00:04Andy King, thank you for taking the time to chat with us.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Pleasure, Imogen. Long-time reader and fan.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08You've had quite the fairy-tale year.
0:00:08 > 0:00:09I mean, one minute, you're busking,
0:00:09 > 0:00:11your demo's getting rejected and rejected.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14- A loser, if you don't mind me saying.- Hey, truth is truth.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17And then, on a whim, you do this song contest.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Last Place Hero gets noticed by Marsh Healy at Portal Records,
0:00:20 > 0:00:21and the rest is history.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24I mean, you topped the BBC Sound Of 2016 list,
0:00:24 > 0:00:25your album's getting five-star reviews,
0:00:25 > 0:00:27you're tipped for a Mercury nom' -
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I mean, you must feel like you're dreaming.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30It just goes to show
0:00:30 > 0:00:32that if you stick to making the music you believe in
0:00:32 > 0:00:34and don't lose sight of your priorities,
0:00:34 > 0:00:35then good things can happen.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I was talking to Yusuf the other day...
0:00:38 > 0:00:40- Yusuf?- Yusuf Islam? You know, Cat Stevens.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Anyway, me and Suf were chatting about artistic integrity
0:00:44 > 0:00:47and how it doesn't matter if you're playing to a packed-out crowd
0:00:47 > 0:00:49or a deaf dog, it's got to be for you, you know?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51That is really going to resonate with our readers.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54So, we like to throw in a couple of silly questions at the end,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57just for fun. So, what are your upcoming plans for Father's Day?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00None, really. I mean, my old man, he lives in Spain.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I'll probably give him a bell.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05At least I won't be asking him for money this year!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Actually, I was talking about your son.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12I...
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I don't have any children.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17But my songs... My songs are like children.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I've got a nerdy nephew, if that counts.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Really? Because our researcher found a birth certificate
0:01:22 > 0:01:24from over a year ago proving that you fathered a child
0:01:24 > 0:01:27with Teresa Connor, the disgraced Parliamentary lawyer.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Recently went through a messy public divorce.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Remember? It was all over the Daily Fail,
0:01:31 > 0:01:32so we know that you have a child,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36a little boy that you've never had the decency to contact.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38What do you have to say to that, Andy King?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Well, well... We're all waiting.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50This should be good.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57HE SCREAMS
0:02:01 > 0:02:03# What I feel
0:02:05 > 0:02:06# I can't say
0:02:09 > 0:02:12# But my love is there for you
0:02:12 > 0:02:15# Any time of day
0:02:15 > 0:02:19# But if it's not love
0:02:19 > 0:02:22# That you need
0:02:23 > 0:02:26# Then I'll try my best to make... #
0:02:26 > 0:02:28That is communal orange juice.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30You can't be putting your mouth all over it like that.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33You're right, I should probably stick a bit of tongue in too.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Does everything have to be an innuendo with you?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Haven't you heard? I'm the innuendo champ.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41I had to BEAT OFF some pretty STIFF competition.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Hashtag dad jokes.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46It's not a dad joke. I'm not even old enough to be a dad.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Even I'm old enough to be a dad, technically.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51What are you doing up this early, anyway?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Got an interview with a record company today, don't I?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- What one? Guinness Worlds? - Portal Records, actually.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58They're sort of a big deal, run by Marshall Healy.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Oh, Bruce and his old filters.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- So, are you still having those nightmares?- What nightmares?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05The ones that you wake up from every day, screaming?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09That's just cramp. I probably need more...potassium.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Anyway, I need you to sign for a package
0:03:10 > 0:03:12that's going to be delivered when I'm out.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Sorry, I've blocked out my day for reading.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16No interruptions.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Yeah, reading(!)
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Those nightmares haven't got anything to do with Melody, do they?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Melody? Haven't thought about her in ages.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Then why are you constantly checking her Instagram?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Oh, I am so late for work.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28You're up early. Is it the nightmares?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Oh, shit, I forgot my phone. Munchkin, can you get it for me?
0:03:31 > 0:03:32- It's by the bed.- I'm 15 now, Mum.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Why do I still have to get your things?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36When you were born, there wasn't time for an epidural,
0:03:36 > 0:03:37so you owe me forever.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Can you fix Roly for me?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43He's in a shit mood and I can't handle him right now
0:03:43 > 0:03:45because Bruce has baby fever and it is freaking me out.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I hear you. You're a professional milf with a gawky teen.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50You haven't got time for nappies and burping.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I mean, look at the Pope.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56He wouldn't be Poping if he had a baby Bjorn slung over his shoulder.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Some people have a higher calling.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Exactly. My career's just taking off.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I'm finally free for yoga and book club.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Plus, you've already got two rotten kids between you.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Why does he want more? - With Father's Day this weekend,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I guess it's weighing on him that he doesn't have any biological children
0:04:10 > 0:04:11to propagate his seed.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Men and their egos, right?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15My jingle's about to come on the radio.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18HEAVY METAL: # Come on down to the carpet superstore
0:04:18 > 0:04:21# Buy a new rug and cover your ugly floor
0:04:21 > 0:04:23# The selection's tops and the deals don't stop
0:04:23 > 0:04:25# Jackpot for moths We've got the lot
0:04:25 > 0:04:27# There ain't no others You get the druthers
0:04:27 > 0:04:29# Come on down to
0:04:29 > 0:04:32# Carpet Brothers. #
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Did you see how I rhymed druthers with brothers?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Oh, genius.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39So, now that you're getting paid for these radio spots,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41and your home studio is up and running,
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I guess I'm finally going to start seeing some rent money, right?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Right. Well, almost.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I am still paying back Val, but as soon as I've done that...
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Ah. Thanks, sweetie. Can you set the table for breakfast?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Morning, gang. Hey, Roly,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56have you heard about this new antibiotic thing?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Discovered in dirt.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Teixobactin. That's old news.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Errol, you didn't set Bruce a place.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Oh, it's... It's cool. I'm going to just grab an apple anyway.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I'll leave you guys to it. Thanks for my lunch.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Bye.- Andy, you're up early.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Nightmares?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14I need you to sign for a package while I'm out.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Sure thing. I'm going to be in the garden, building the shed,
0:05:17 > 0:05:18but I should hear the doorbell.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Roly, want to come help me build the man cave?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I think I'll give your gender-specific cave a miss, thanks.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Hey, you know, Tiff's here for Father's Day weekend.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Fancy coming to the Polish bakery festival?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- You can never have too many hot buns.- I have a wheat allergy.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Duh! Nice one, Bruce(!)
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Well, if you change your mind re the person cave,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37you know where to find me.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Will you cut him some slack?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43He's not trying to be your dad, he's trying to be your mate.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45What, a grown man trying to be mates? That's a bit creepy.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Is this because he's banging your mum?- Don't go all Oedipal on me.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I can think of plenty of non-Freudian reasons.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52So, you'd be absolutely fine
0:05:52 > 0:05:55if I listed all of their favourite sexual positions?
0:05:55 > 0:05:56I'm a scientist.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Let's see, there's missionary, doggy, cowgirl,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02reverse cowgirl, sporking - that's a spooning/forking combo -
0:06:02 > 0:06:03crouching tiger, squat-thruster,
0:06:03 > 0:06:07nut-buster, wheelbarrow, the piledriver...
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I think I'm going to get to my reading now.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Yeah, mate. "Reading."
0:06:13 > 0:06:15PHONE RINGING
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Marsh? Mr King for you.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Hm.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Music.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Love it.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Songwriting.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Yep.- Songwriters.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32- Yes.- Commerce.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34HE CHUCKLES
0:06:34 > 0:06:35What's funny?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39That song you did with the bird.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Last Place Hero, right?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Wasn't total shit, for pop crap.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Thank you.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48And, and... And my other stuff?
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Hold my sack.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54The bag.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00NTL - heard of them?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02National Train Line?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Not The Living - boyband.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Signed them last year. The single's charting,
0:07:07 > 0:07:09but I need hits for the album.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Songwriters with an ear for
0:07:13 > 0:07:15catchy pop crap.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Er... Thanks, but I'm more of a writer/performer.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Last Place Hero's your best song. You don't sing on it.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Yeah, I had the flu that day.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Should have got the jab.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Look, I can't package you.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Your age, all this.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Be a shame to waste what you've got.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40You could be useful behind the board, make some money.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41You got kids?
0:07:41 > 0:07:42- No.- Well...
0:07:43 > 0:07:49You might do one day. So, why don't you think about what I said?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Shit! Roly...
0:08:02 > 0:08:03- Come to join the party?- No.- Oh.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- Doing some light reading, then? - The Death Conundrum.- Sounds...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12..fun. Any cool quotes?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"Life is the mouth of death's anus."
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I hear you and Mum have been talking about having another kid.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- So, she told you, then? - No, you just did.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Your internet history was rather illuminating.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29Aphrodisiacs, primary school catchments, sperm enhancers -
0:08:29 > 0:08:31not very subtle, Bruce.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Are you aware that the population is growing exponentially,
0:08:34 > 0:08:35with dwindling resources?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Soon, we'll be living in a cyber slum,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39being sorted into naff personality groups
0:08:39 > 0:08:41like one of those dystopian novels Tiff's always reading.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43We're just toying with the idea.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Speaking of toying,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47there were some interesting purchase links in your history too.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50What is a Pocket Dazzler? And does Mum know you have one?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53OK, Roly, I'm not really too comfortable talking to you about...
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Good chatting.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Oh, I reached out to Bruce. No-one can say I didn't try.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- How was the interview? - They want me to write and produce.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Oh, great.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13For a boyband.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14- Oh...- Exactly.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- I'm not doing it.- Money's money.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Plenty of respectable artists, and Ed Sheeran, write for boybands.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Just for a pay cheque?
0:09:21 > 0:09:25I mean, that's not living, that's surviving.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27There's something else, though, isn't there?
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Have you lost something up your bum?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Oh, no. I've seen those X-rays on Embarrassing Bodies.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Was it a Sharpie? A battery?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Was it an AA? Please, don't tell me it was a nine-volt.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Do you remember your 14th birthday?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Oh, you mean when my father announced
0:09:38 > 0:09:39that he was marrying Veronica,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41and my mother announced she was moving in with Bruce?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Well, I had some bad news too.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45You got kicked out of your flat and Melody moved to New York.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- Worse.- She moved to Scunthorpe?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Teresa's pregnant. Well, she was.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52But that was, like, a year and a half ago.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55So what's that? That's 12 months plus six months...
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- Wait a minute.- Minus nine months. - You mean...?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58- Nine months old.- You're a father?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00No! Of course not.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Well, maybe.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I mean, it's not like she had a paternity test or anything,
0:10:04 > 0:10:08so it could be anyone's, you know. Postman, milkman, Ocado.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Even if it is mine, which it's not,
0:10:10 > 0:10:11she never even asked me if I wanted to keep it.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- It's not really your call, is it? - No, obviously,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16but it would've been nice to at least have been kept in the loop.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- With the child that's definitely not yours?- Right.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Is it a boy or a girl?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I don't know. I haven't talked to her since your party.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25You haven't spoken to her about your child in a year and a half?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27She wouldn't answer any of my texts
0:10:27 > 0:10:29after I ignored her calls for two months.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31You've got to go and see that baby now.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33No! They're coming to deliver the package later,
0:10:33 > 0:10:34and I'm not missing it a second time.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37You've already missed the most important package there is.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Let me think about it.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Oh, what's Bruce made you today?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46It's bresaola and brie on rye.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49You've hit the jackpot there. Stan's never even peeled me a Babybel.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I think he's just fattening me up for the apocalypse
0:10:51 > 0:10:54so he's got someone to eat. Do you want some?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- I've got loads.- I'd love to. I can't eat soft cheese at the moment.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- Why, are you knocked up?- I'm not supposed to say anything
0:10:59 > 0:11:03for another week, but... Yeah, I'm preggers.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Is my hearing acting up?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Are you pregnant, Martha? - Guilty as charged.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Remember this time. Best is when they're little.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- No way, I'm not falling for it. - Please, just come up to the house.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I need to show you something.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I told you, I'm not moving till my package arrives.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21We can put a sign on the door. It'll only take two minutes, I promise,
0:11:21 > 0:11:22and it's something you love.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24If it's that photo of Serena Williams doing the splits,
0:11:24 > 0:11:25then I'm way ahead of you.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Shell... What are you doing here?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Relax. Errol explained everything.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33You're writing a song about parenthood and you needed research.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- I think it's cool. - Yeah, yeah, it is.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40So, is that your baby?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42No, I found him in Waitrose.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Yes, it's my baby.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47This is Ethan. He's 18 months.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Why don't people just say a year and a half?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I mean, you don't catch me going I'm...
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- 412 months.- 412 months.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Yeah, I was a cynic too.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I mean, after being a children's entertainer,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I never wanted to see another kid again,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01but this primal instinct takes over.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- It obviously suits you. You look great.- Thanks.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Do you remember how crazy I was before?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I'm... I'm scared to answer that question.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14Ha-ha(!) I just mean I thought I'd go proper bonkers postnatal,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16but it's actually balanced me out.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Or maybe I have something bigger to worry about than myself, you know?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I mean, don't get me wrong, he's a puke and shit machine,
0:12:21 > 0:12:26and when he came out, he practically ripped my vagina in two, but...
0:12:26 > 0:12:29No, don't worry, it's... it's fine now.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Good, good.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34What qualities would you say make a great father?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Someone who's patient, prioritises others' needs before his own,
0:12:37 > 0:12:42a provider, a protector, and willing to do late-night feeds.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45And what if he forgets to feed the baby?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- He doesn't forget.- Well, what if he is in the pub with his mates?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- You don't have any mates.- Well, what about going to the bathroom?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Think of your baby like an iPhone. It goes everywhere you go.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I'll try not to lose him down the back seat of a cab.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00What if I am writing some music, baby won't stop crying,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03so I slip him a little night-time cold medicine?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Boom! Out like a light, takes the edge off things.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Oh, it's a good job you're not a dad.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I could be a dad. Kids love me.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12PHONE VIBRATES
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Shit, it's my boss.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Here, take him. - I shouldn't, I've just had lunch.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19It's not like swimming. You don't have to wait two hours.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21That's a myth, by the way.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Well, talk to him.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Erm...
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Hello. My name's Andy.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30What's your name?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32What, are you just going to stare at my tits?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- Language.- He can't understand.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Hey, you can say anything you want, can't you?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41# Tits and bums and dicks and pricks gently down the stream... #
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Why don't you try playing peekaboo?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- That's a game children love, isn't it?- Oh, do they, spaceman?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Let me show you how it's done.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Peekaboo. Peekaboo.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- Peekaboo.- You're not doing it right, you know that?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55It's more like...peekaboo!
0:13:55 > 0:13:56HE WAILS
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- Oh...- What's going on?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Ssh, it's OK.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03What's going on in here?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Hey-hey-hey, who's this little fella?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- It's Ethan.- Ethan?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I'm done with the baby stuff, so don't even try.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28That's not why I'm here. No, you missed your package again.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31What? But I've waited in all afternoon.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33It's all right, we can collect it from the depot.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I don't get it, this doesn't even look like the sort of place
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- where there would even be a depot. - Andy!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Shit, that's Tom. I went to uni with him.- Yeah, I know.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I thought it might be good to get the dad perspective from up here.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44So I used your Facebook to contact an old friend.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- How did you even get my password? - Password 1234.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Hardly requires the Enigma machine.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- What about this?- Photoshop.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53You horrible little Gollum, that is the last time I ever...
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Hey, Tom!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Old friend!- King Andy.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Bring it in, my liege.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02It's great seeing you, man. And, Errol,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I can't believe how big you've got. I remember the day you were born.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Me and your uncle bunked off lectures and, boy, did we celebrate!
0:15:08 > 0:15:09You celebrated when I was born?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Yeah, but, I mean, we used to celebrate when Countdown was on.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13One bong rip for every vowel.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- Good times.- What happened to us?
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Well, you got with Nancy,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19got married and then came the break-up speech.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20What break-up speech?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23You know, mate takes you to a pub lunch, shows you the scan,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26you pretend to be happy and then comes the speech, "Look, man,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28"I promise you this baby ain't going to come between us.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31"We're still going to hang out and get wasted and go to gigs,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33"I'm not going to be one of them lame-mo dads, it's just a baby."
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- And then you never hear from them again.- Yeah, sorry about that.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38You don't realise how much work it's going to be.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Everything else just...drops away.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- But do you know what?- What?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45It's worth it, because kids give your life unimaginable meaning?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- Pretty much.- See, Uncle Andy?
0:15:47 > 0:15:48- It might suit you.- Exactly.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51You don't lose your cool card just because you become a dad.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Look at Keith Richards, Beckham, Obama.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56But you know the greatest part?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59It's like growing your own best friend, you can teach them anything.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Bailey? Over here.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05- Who's a ledge?- Dad is!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Who's better? Blur or Oasis?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08They both suck!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- What's your favourite game? - Grand Theft Auto, duh!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Attagirl. Bring it in.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15You have a go, ask her anything.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17What's your favourite food?
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Curry and a pint, obvs.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20What do you think about Brexit?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Dad?- At ease, soldier. Off you go.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25See? Kids are awesome.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27If you had one, we could hang out all the time,
0:16:27 > 0:16:28just like the old days.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Yeah, about that, I actually... PHONE DINGS
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Shit, I've got to jet, Bailey's got her Mandarin class.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Oh, so she can do business in China, when she's older?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Clever.- No, it's so she can watch Bruce Lee movies
0:16:38 > 0:16:40without the subtitles.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42How cool is that? Bailey?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Let's do this again.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- It is not!- It is, too!
0:17:09 > 0:17:10It's my body, my choice.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I know, sweetie, I just don't want to see you make a big mistake
0:17:13 > 0:17:16that you can't take back. It's for life.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Gwen? Are you up the duff?
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Don't be stupid. I'm getting another tattoo, but Dad says I can't.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I didn't say you couldn't, I said don't get a shit one.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27It's not shit!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30They are backpacking across Asia next month.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35She wants to get "I love Casper" tattooed on her neck in Thai.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36BOTH GROAN
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Thank you!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39See? It's a dumb idea.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Not to mention cultural appropriation.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Yeah, come on, Gwen,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45you know they always tattoo rando swearwords on drunk Brits.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47You're one to talk, "Will you go out with me, Dolores?"
0:17:47 > 0:17:51And as much as I love Casper, what happens if you break up?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Need I remind you...
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Who cares if it lasts?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I am watermarking my life.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59You're all just jealous you're not in love.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Never have kids.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08Right, so, that's 150, which leaves 600 remaining.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Oh, shit jingles are really paying off.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Your approval means a lot.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Do you think she'll listen to you on the whole tattoo thing?
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Does she ever? It's OK,
0:18:17 > 0:18:22I'll squirrel a little into a fund for laser removal and she'll kiss me
0:18:22 > 0:18:24and call me a genius.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Can I ask you something?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Did you know you were ready to be a dad?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31I swore I would never be one.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I didn't want anyone to inherit my dad's genes.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36When Stella told me she was pregnant,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I begged her to get rid of it, but when Gwen arrived...
0:18:38 > 0:18:41You realised she was the greatest mistake of your life?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44No, that's when the real nightmare began.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Before they're born, you're just praying for ten fingers and toes.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50It's up to the gods. But once they're out, it's up to you.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Every decision counts.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Give them the wrong name, they're the school joke.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Mary? Hairy Mary.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Elizabeth?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Jizzy Lizzie.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01It's like you're being given a lit candle
0:19:01 > 0:19:03and there's a hurricane coming.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Every moment you're convinced you're causing irreparable damage,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08and the truth is...
0:19:09 > 0:19:10..you are.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13And then, when they're old enough to drive, to date,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15to leave home, all you do is worry.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19She fills my life with meaning and terror.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22It's the curse that keeps giving.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24And you know the best I can hope for?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Grandkids?- That I die before her.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Still, I wouldn't trade it for a second.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Oh, if I tell her you talked me into that tattoo,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41she definitely won't get it done, just to spite you.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I'm brilliant.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47So, what did you and Val chat about?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Make-up tips and stuff.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Listen, I think it's best I leave Teresa and the baby alone,
0:19:53 > 0:19:54they're better off without me.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Uncle Andy, if you don't do this now,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58the kid's going to turn up at your doorstep someday like, "Dad,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"I never knew you, and now I'm really mental."
0:20:01 > 0:20:02I can't have a kid, I haven't got any money.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04You already have a baby.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05And you were offered a good job.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- No way, I'm not selling out. - You make radio jingles.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10And you produce demos for people you loathe.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11This can't be any worse.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14You can write pop tunes in your sleep, and if it all goes well,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16then you'll have a platform to go solo.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Seasick Steve didn't release his first album
0:20:18 > 0:20:19until he was in his sixties
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- and do you know what he did before that?- Drugs?
0:20:21 > 0:20:22He wrote and produced.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Just like Kanye and Carole King.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Fine, I'll do it.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29On one condition.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Sorry, Marsh, I tried to stop them.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33I'll take the gig.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- OK.- He has conditions, though.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Who are you?- He's my condition.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Well, he's my nephew.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45He's my co-writer. I can't do the pop crap without him.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- Can you sing?- No, he's rubbish.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49So, have we got a deal?
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Sure, OK.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53What brought you round?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Do you think it'll be a boy or a girl?- Boys can wear pink.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Girls can wear blue.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06We'll only be free once we finally defeat the hegemonic patriarchy
0:21:06 > 0:21:08of enforced masculinity.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Uh-huh. Red it is.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11I think I'd love a little pal.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13We'll just chill out,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16eating rusks while Daddy gets buzzed watching CBeebies.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18But CBeebies is our thing.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Look, man, I want you to know that nothing is going to come between us,
0:21:25 > 0:21:27we'll still hang out like we always do.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Nothing's going to change, it's just a baby.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Yeah, yeah. I could probably be a great first cousin,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I could teach them how to prepare a microscope slide
0:21:37 > 0:21:39and the proper way to dispose of light bulbs.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41And Mozart's full name,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47It's all about family.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53If we all open up our hearts, there's enough love for everyone.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56I've got to go.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I'll see you at the house.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Good luck.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
0:22:06 > 0:22:08TILL BEEPS
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Do you want this gift-wrapped?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- Is it for a friend's shower? - No, it's for...
0:22:14 > 0:22:16..MY baby.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21# Maybe, baby
0:22:21 > 0:22:25# You're gonna cut like a knife
0:22:25 > 0:22:29# Maybe, baby
0:22:29 > 0:22:33# You're gonna light up my life
0:22:33 > 0:22:37# Maybe you'll be my son or you'll be my daughter
0:22:37 > 0:22:41# I'll protect you through hail, rains, winds, fog and high water
0:22:41 > 0:22:45# If you just take my hand, we can walk through this land
0:22:45 > 0:22:49# And I'll help you to build all your dreams in sand
0:22:49 > 0:22:53# Sometimes, sunshine
0:22:53 > 0:22:58# You're gonna brighten my days
0:22:58 > 0:23:02# Wake me, shake me
0:23:02 > 0:23:06# I'm gonna bask in your rays
0:23:06 > 0:23:10# You'll be my kid and I'll be your dad
0:23:10 > 0:23:14# Come dry your eyes every time you are sad
0:23:14 > 0:23:18# You'll follow me blindly and obey my command
0:23:18 > 0:23:22# You'll fetch me my beers with your small baby hand
0:23:22 > 0:23:26# They can lock me away and throw away the key
0:23:26 > 0:23:30# Cos if love is a crime then I'm pleading guilty
0:23:30 > 0:23:34# When the meteors strike and the land turns to dust
0:23:34 > 0:23:36# I'll still love you, my child
0:23:36 > 0:23:39# On my love you can trust
0:23:39 > 0:23:43# I'll be one step behind cos my love never stops
0:23:43 > 0:23:45# You'll be right on my mind
0:23:45 > 0:23:47# Kid, I think you are tops
0:23:47 > 0:23:51# Maybe, baby
0:23:51 > 0:23:56# You're gonna light up my life. #
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Hi.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Wait! I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05You think you can just waltz up here,
0:24:05 > 0:24:06after disappearing for over a year?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I called and called.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I couldn't handle the responsibility.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I was cowardly and selfish.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16And I know I've got a lot of making up to do, but...
0:24:18 > 0:24:20..I've sorted out my priorities.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I'm ready to be a father to our child.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25And, don't worry, I won't ask to try your breast milk.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Unless you insist. I want to do this 50/50.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29I've even got myself a sell-out job.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32And I can teach the kid to be cool and teach it the guitar
0:24:32 > 0:24:35and the air guitar and you can teach the kid to be,
0:24:35 > 0:24:37you know, classy and put it in the posh school.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41And they can have friends with names like Sebastian and...
0:24:41 > 0:24:43and Raspberry.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47And I'm not expecting us to be a couple, but I'll be there for you,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50you know, whatever you need. Whatever you both need.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52I got rid of it.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54You mean...
0:24:56 > 0:24:58..you put it up for adoption?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02An abortion, Andy. I had an abortion.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Because I didn't call?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07You...
0:25:07 > 0:25:09You got rid of it cos of me?
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Because of me.
0:25:10 > 0:25:16I'm perimenopausal, I'm on statins and HRT, I smoke, I drink.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18The scans found abnormalities.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21It's just as well. I don't think either of us was really up to it,
0:25:21 > 0:25:22were we?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I'm too old and you're too...
0:25:25 > 0:25:26..you know.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Would you like to come in for a tea?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I should probably get going.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34What's in the bag?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Nothing.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38It's good to see you, Teresa.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Bruce, are you home?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I'm ready to work on the man cave now.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52HAMMERING
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- Oh. Hey, Roly. - You finished it already?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Well, I had some help from the master builder here.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- What do you think?- Nice job, Gibson. - Huh?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01We added a special touch, just for you.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I'm going to go get a picture.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- Weren't you meant to be helping Bruce?- Yeah.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13You know, I thought he was a dork when he first moved in with my mum.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15And what about now?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I mean, he's still a dork, but he's my dork.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Good thing I've got my selfie stick.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24# Maybe, baby
0:26:24 > 0:26:28# You're gonna cut like a knife... #
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Well, hello there, Mr Dad.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- How did it go? - She never had the baby.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Oh, that sucks.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Are you kidding? It's amazing news.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I mean, I dodged a bullet there.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Can you imagine me being a dad?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Can a dad do this?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49HE BURPS
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Probably for the best, yeah.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Your package arrived.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Are you going to tell me what's in it, then?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- I was just stocking up on plectrums. - Plectrum?
0:26:59 > 0:27:00I hardly knew him!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- Good one.- Mm.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- Do you want to watch some CBeebies? - Maybe later.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Just as well, because I've got some reading to catch up on, anyway.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Oh, thank Christ, you've done the shopping.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- Did you get the OJ? - Yeah, and I got you your own,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28so you can stop stealing ours, shithead.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30How was Roly? Did you talk about Bruce?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Yeah, we covered the whole dad thing.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34So, I think I am going to try for a baby.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36What about the career and the book club?
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Screw book club, we're reading Wolf Hall.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39But that's already a TV show!
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I know, that's what I said.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Anyway, I'd just really like to raise a little grub
0:27:43 > 0:27:46with Bruce that's ours. You don't think I'm crazy, do you?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48No, we need some fresh blood in this clan.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Are you staying for dinner? We're having spag bol.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52No, I've got work to do.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Everyone, dinner's ready!
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Hey, Tiff, how was your week?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Mum started talking about getting a dog.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03- Wouldn't you like a pooch? - There's enough crazy in this family
0:28:03 > 0:28:05without bringing an innocent life into it.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Hey, Bruce, you know there's a gluten-free section
0:28:07 > 0:28:08at the Polish bakery festival?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10- We should definitely check it out when we go.- We?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14I mean, yeah.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Hey, did you know there are over 500 species of yeast
0:28:17 > 0:28:18but within a single species,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21there can be literally thousands of genetically distinct strains?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23- That's pretty cool.- Dorks.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27MUSIC: Father And Son by Cat Stevens
0:28:30 > 0:28:34# It's not time to make a change
0:28:34 > 0:28:37# Just relax, take it easy
0:28:37 > 0:28:41# You're still young, that's your fault
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# There's so much you have to know
0:28:44 > 0:28:48# Find a girl, settle down
0:28:48 > 0:28:52# If you want you can marry
0:28:52 > 0:28:55# Look at me, I am old
0:28:55 > 0:28:59# But I'm happy
0:28:59 > 0:29:03# I was once like you are now
0:29:03 > 0:29:06# And I know that it's not easy
0:29:06 > 0:29:12# To be calm when you've found something going on... #