0:00:02 > 0:00:03This programme contains some strong language
0:00:03 > 0:00:05# You're so sweet and saccharine I hardly can believe
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# That when I see you coming I can feel you in my teeth
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Racing through my senses Candy in my brain
0:00:10 > 0:00:14# Rotting everything inside You give me sugar pain
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Sugar in my blood making my heart flood
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Pumping through my arteries
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# You hit me with a thud. #
0:00:22 > 0:00:24OK, thoughts. Josh.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28It's...all right.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Just all right?
0:00:30 > 0:00:34It's just the "sugar in my blood, making my heart flood"
0:00:34 > 0:00:35kind of sounds like diabetes.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Huh... It's a metaphor.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41But if sugar's a problem, I can always change it to honey.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44It's not just the lyrics. It's the Father John Misty thing.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47You know, it's all a bit hipster, faux hippy, fake folk vibe.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49It's just not right for our debut LP.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51We could change the arrangement.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52It also has no sex appeal.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56- Just given you a semi, eh? - More like a soft sauna dick.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58You know, I'm not shrinking, but I'm not hard.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Trust me, put a Ginger Baker-style drum arrangement on the back of it
0:01:01 > 0:01:03and it'll get nuns pregnant.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05- Who's Ginger Baker?- He's the drummer for The Graham Bond Organisation,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08and, more importantly, Cream.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10He's cool, but again, it's not our sound.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Look at FKA Twigs, Disclosure, Years & Years -
0:01:13 > 0:01:17we need to be in that, you know, neo-soul, deep-house space,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19but you know, boyband.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Cool...I'll work on it.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23OK, thanks for coming in, blokes.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Now, fuck off, I'll see you later at the showcase.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Rest those golden pipes, the two of you who can actually sing.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Unbelievable.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I know, right? Ungrateful little brats.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37You never go against the talent.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41But they work for YOU - and you said you liked the song.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43If Josh isn't happy, I can't be happy.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Are you firing me?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Don't be ridiculous, I'm offering you an opportunity.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48You do well at this stuff,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52and it'll be very good for your potential...solo...
0:01:52 > 0:01:54all that.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I'm going to put you with Alex, OK? The producer of their EP.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00And if you two can't come up with a hit by the end of the day...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02THEN I'll fire you.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04# Ooh, yeah, baby
0:02:05 > 0:02:08# Got diabetes... #
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Hmm...
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- I'm dying. - Is it cancer?- No, worse.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Roly caught you wanking again? - I caught him.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Waste baskets full of tissues, a whole house out of hand lotion.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26All of the towels crack like plasterboard.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Can you talk to him?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Why? it sounds like he's got a grip on the situation.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Just tell him that it's normal and it's nothing to be ashamed of
0:02:33 > 0:02:36and make sure he's not getting distorted ideas about sex
0:02:36 > 0:02:39from the media and porn and stuff like that, and that women are equal.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- Why don't YOU tell him? - He won't listen to me - I'm a woman.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44I'll talk to him. I'm sure something will...rub off.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Eurgh! Oh, I need you guys out of the house all afternoon
0:02:47 > 0:02:50cos my fertility app is showing three eggs.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Oh, no, not three eggs. - That is peak ovulation!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Me and Bruce are going to be at it like teenagers.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58What, fumbling around in the back of his dad's Volvo
0:02:58 > 0:02:59before he comes all over your shoes?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Don't make me laugh - my tits are really sore.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Are you sure you're not already, you know...?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Don't jinx it!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Just get Roly out of here and don't forget the talk.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- What talk?- See you later, bye.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Ah... Take a seat.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- Roly... - Is it about me walking the dog?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Maybe now she'll finally learn to knock.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- I hate hormones. When does it end? - When I find out, I'll let you know.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24The sneaking around is the worst.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27It's like I'm cheating on myself... with myself.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I was hoping I was going to fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum
0:03:30 > 0:03:32but I don't think that's going to pan out.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I hate to admit this, Uncle Andy, but I think I need a girlfriend.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36What about, um, Ruby?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39That ship has sailed. She's dating a sixth-former now.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- Tiffany?- My soon-to-be stepsister? - Fair point.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43But you're never going to land anyone in those clothes.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46What? It's the speed of light in metres per second.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Roly, there comes a point in every skinny androgynous boy's life when
0:03:49 > 0:03:52he realises that the children's-show-host-with-a- heart-condition look
0:03:52 > 0:03:53isn't working out
0:03:53 > 0:03:55and his only chance of getting laid will be to go full vampire.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- What's this?- My old band T-shirts.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58I used to be skinny like you once,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01but don't worry, you'll fill into your full manly shape eventually.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- How did the song go?- Oh, they said I didn't have enough sex appeal.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Those pricks wouldn't understand sex appeal if it bent them over a chair.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10And unless I work with some useless producer, I'm going to get fired.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Oh, dearie me, good luck with that. - Whoa!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Why don't you come with me? I could use the support.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I'd love to, but I've got reading.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Any more of your "reading" and you'll go blind.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21That's a myth. Trust me, I googled it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Look, if you help me, I'll give you
0:04:23 > 0:04:25a box of Uncle Frank's '80s porn mags, yeah?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28It's got long nails, tan lines, full bush, the works.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Trust me, those things are like gold dust now.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Well, I suppose I could use some fresh air.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Remember, you've got to back me up all the way,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46otherwise this idiot's going to walk all over us.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47You've got it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- What are you doing?- High-five.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53That looks like a Sieg Heil. Put it away.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Look at him, standing around like a douche
0:04:57 > 0:04:59while everyone else does the heavy lifting. Huh!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Hi. Andy King.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08MOBILE KEYBOARD CLICKS
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Um...
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- You're Alex, right? - Lex, visitors.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16You're Andy, right?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Alex? My senior producer.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I prefer Lex.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Hey, who's your bag man?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26That's my nephew, Errol, co-writer.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27- IN HUSKY VOICE: - Nice to meet you, Lex.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29That's a deep voice you got there.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31IN HUSKY VOICE: He, uh, takes after me.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- You a big Massive Attack fan?- Yeah.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- Actually, that's MY T-shirt. - Quality taste.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- From their Mezzanine tour. - Dang, you must be old!
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I mean, I was really, really underage when I saw them, so...
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- What's all this for?- NTL are having a press showcase tonight.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I don't know why Marsh decided to dump you guys on me today...
0:05:51 > 0:05:52No offence.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54None taken. I love dumping.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57It's not you. It's just, he knows that I don't have time to think
0:05:57 > 0:06:00about the next album when NTL are still performing the old songs.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01God, I'm bricking it!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Hey, no need to, kiddo. I remember when I started producing...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Kiddo? Lol! Look, I only LOOK 16.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I'm actually 23, and this is my 12th showcase,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- but the jitters never stop. - ERROL CHUCKLES
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I probably shouldn't have drank five cups of coffee, though, eh?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- Whatever gets you going, though. - Yeah, I'm going a lot.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22People with dysentery are much less likely to get bowel cancer.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24That is legitimately interesting.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- I know loads of crap facts. - Save it for the song, eh?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30My PA, Trevor, will set you up at the back table,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32and I'll be back in a bit.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Thanks.- Thanks.- No probs, sexy.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Why, thank you. Right back at ya.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42What? Uh, I meant him, but, uh, yeah, you too, toots.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45I'm really sorry.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47It's fine. It's not me, is it?
0:06:47 > 0:06:51No! Just that position was a little ambitious out of the gates.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54You know, you're still super-sexy. Like Patsy Kensit.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- Patsy Kensit? - From Lethal Weapon 2.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I know who she is, but that was, like, 30 years ago.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02So? Retro is the new now-tro. Sorry, I'm babbling.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06It's just a lot of pressure trying to make a new life,
0:07:06 > 0:07:07doing God's work.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Speaking of God's work, how about good old missionary?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Missionaries are cool, right?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Yeah, they help with food aid, literacy, building worlds,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17forcing religion on people who look like me.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20There's no time for colonial grievances, Bruce.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Get your head in the game.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24All right, OK, how about a nice back-rub?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Ooh, I never turn down a back-rub.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31HE PLAYS FUNKY RHYTHM
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Brr! It's cold in here.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43You should probably cover up your little chicken arms
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- with your old-man jumper. - I think you're right.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I think I should start to embrace my physicality more,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50tap into my inner immortal.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Is that because of what Lex said? Get real.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55You're 15 and she's 23 - there's an eight-year age gap.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58That'd be like trying to put a Sega cartridge into an Xbox.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59She's 11 years younger than you,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02and I'm going to be legal in a few months, anyway.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- What's a Sega? - Hey, what you two taking about?
0:08:05 > 0:08:06- Law.- Sega.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07- Vampires.- Jumpers.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09All very good song topics.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Now, let me hear what you've got.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13# You're so sweet and saccharine
0:08:13 > 0:08:15# I hardly can believe
0:08:15 > 0:08:16# When I see you coming
0:08:16 > 0:08:18# Well, I feel it in my teeth... #
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Can I stop you there? Um, not feeling the sexy.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24All I write are sexy love songs.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26You've got think about NTL's audience.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28It's not about what's sexy to a grown man,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30but what's sexy to a teenage girl.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32ANDY CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:08:32 > 0:08:34IN EFFEMINATE VOICE: # Anaemic little boy
0:08:34 > 0:08:36# With nothing much say
0:08:36 > 0:08:37# Not on an asexual spectrum
0:08:37 > 0:08:40# But a spectrum that starts with an "A"
0:08:40 > 0:08:44# He wants to date the only girl that he knows
0:08:44 > 0:08:48# But he's got to go home to watch Michael Mos...ley. #
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Hey. Don't you dare besmirch Mosley.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52You can clearly riff.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Now all you have to do is find your inner teen girl.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Oh, yeah. Sure, she's just screaming to get out.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Help, I haven't got an inner teen girl!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Yes, you do. We all have an inner teen girl.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Penelope?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- IN EFFEMINATE VOICE:- "Yes, Errol? Haven't spoken to you in a while."
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I know. Sorry, I've been rather busy with my school work.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14How have you been?
0:09:14 > 0:09:15- IN EFFEMINATE VOICE: - "I've been very well.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17"Sometimes I do wish we spoke more, though.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20"I passed my dance exams, I don't suppose you knew."
0:09:20 > 0:09:22No, sorry. I should've texted.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I'd love to carry on with this conversation, Penelope,
0:09:25 > 0:09:26but Uncle Andy has a question for you.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30What...sort of songs do you like...
0:09:33 > 0:09:34..Penelope?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- IN EFFEMINATE VOICE:- "I like songs about strong female friendships,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40"party songs for the summer and songs about new dance steps.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41"But I love nothing more than..."
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- HE COUGHS - Oh, God.- What, what's wrong?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46That voice is a lot harder than it used to be.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Crap! If I get fired,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50then Marsh isn't going to give me a shot at a solo career,
0:09:50 > 0:09:51and then what am I going to do?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- I don't know any real teen girls. - Yes, you do.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56'Hey, Tiff!'
0:09:56 > 0:09:57It's Uncle Andy.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59You're not my uncle.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Well, not technically, but you're my
0:10:01 > 0:10:04yet-to-be-married brother-in-law's ex-step daughter, so...
0:10:04 > 0:10:06What do you want, Andy? I'm at my mum's.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07I have a favour to ask.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Uh...
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Good day, my ladies. Here for the old showcase?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16We've been here since last night.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19We love NTL so much. Are you a fan?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Actually I'm here in a professional capacity.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- No way. Are you a singer? - Songwriter.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Working on a song for them now. Just taking a break.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Mental recharge.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Can I ask you ladies a question? What sort of guys do you fancy?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- I only fancy boys in books. - What kind of boys?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Green eyes.- Just green eyes?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Green eyes and secret royalty.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40How can you be secret royalty?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Like a prince or a duke, but he goes to normal school.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45'You know, in disguise.'
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- And what do you find romantic? - 'Love triangles.'
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Like, she has to choose...
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Let me guess, prince over duke? - 'Mostly.'
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- Are we done?- Sure.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55You don't find Errol attractive, do you?
0:10:55 > 0:10:56'I mean he looks'
0:10:56 > 0:10:59a cross between a stick insect and that Scream painting.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Girls don't find THAT attractive now, do they?
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Bye, Andy.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Slow down, can you go over that bit about the texting again?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06OK, so when you steal his phone
0:11:06 > 0:11:08and then you see he's been sexting some other bitch,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11and then you sext him pretending to be her and then she comes over
0:11:11 > 0:11:13and you get into a massive cat fight and someone films it.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Oh, wait, that's happened to you?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Yeah, or like when you send nudes on Snapchat, but then you break up,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20and he asks for ransom or he'll, like, put them up online,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23but you're like "I'm proud of all of this. #BodyPos."
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Isn't all of this illegal?
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- If he acts crazy, that means he loves you.- That's passion.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Do you think older women are into that too?
0:11:31 > 0:11:32There you are.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Ladies, is this little nerd bothering you?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Is he your dad?
0:11:37 > 0:11:41I'm his young, cool uncle. Like Uncle Jesse from Full House.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- What's Full House?- Google it.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47So, what are you lot talking about? Vaping? Alcopops? Emojis?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- Nothing.- Nothing.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50- I don't believe it.- I know.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Those girls were demented. All they care about is drama.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55What about climate change,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57the refugee crisis, or dissolution of the EU?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59No, I can't believe that they were sacred of me.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I used to be a hit with teenage girls,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03and now I'm just a gross old guy.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05How can I write a song for them if they don't even like me?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Snap out of it, you just need a confidence boost.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10OK. Tell me something nice about myself.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Not from me. From someone who means it.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15PHONE RINGTONE
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Yello?- 'Gwen.'
0:12:17 > 0:12:19What did you see in me?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Oh, no, are you having another dark night of the soul?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- No, no. - 'You need me to sing lead vocals'
0:12:24 > 0:12:26on another track cos you finally realised
0:12:26 > 0:12:27I'm a better singer than you?
0:12:27 > 0:12:28You wish!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- What is it, then?- 'It's just...'
0:12:30 > 0:12:32am I sexy?
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Mm...
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I'll take that as a yes.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36I told you not to take that call.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I know, but with Andy, you never know if it's life or death.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Sorry, Andy, the TV's on really loud.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43I'll turn it down.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44'Why did you like me?'
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I mean, you're nine years younger than me - what was the attraction?
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Well, I like hairy-beary guys, and you had great weed.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Plus I'm into emotionally fragile men.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57'Or how about I was a massive stud?'
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I mean, you used to love that thing I did with my tongue, didn't you?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02THEY LAUGH
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Is that Casper?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Hey, stud!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Ooh! Bye!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Ha, ha...ha...
0:13:11 > 0:13:13What thing he did with his tongue?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16He'd write lyrics with his tongue, and I'd have to guess the song.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19It gave me a whole new appreciation for Cool For Cats.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I'll show your cat what's cool.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- How long have I been asleep? - Two hours.- Shit! Two hours?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I know, I know, three eggs, but you looked so serene.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Oh, man, those back-rubs are lethal.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Are you working on a new comic?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Yes. But...it's not finished.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Ow! What?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51# I've got green eyes I've counted two
0:13:51 > 0:13:52# I sent those pictures just for you
0:13:52 > 0:13:54# My blood is blue My eyes are green
0:13:54 > 0:13:56# My texts for you They were obscene
0:13:56 > 0:13:58# I saw the cat fight from my phone
0:13:58 > 0:13:59# I filmed it on my mobile phone
0:13:59 > 0:14:01# I am a secret royalty
0:14:01 > 0:14:04# I have green eyes They help me see...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06# Green! #
0:14:06 > 0:14:09The green eyes. Is that, like, a metaphor?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12What? No, the...the... I mean, they're just green eyes.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I thought that's what you girls liked.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19Sure, sure. It's just, I hear "green eyes", I think jealousy.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Who's jealous? Of what?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23THEY CHUCKLE
0:14:24 > 0:14:27What did you think of the cat fight and the filming it part?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29That bit was kind of cool.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Look, the tune is good.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34You just need to know the emotional through line.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Keep trying. I'm sure you'll crack it.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41You hear that? She thinks I'm kind of cool
0:14:44 > 0:14:47She said "kinda cool" like Screech is "kinda handsome".
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- What's Screech?- Saved By The Bell. - Was that another old thing?
0:14:49 > 0:14:53She said the only good part was the tune, and that was all me.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Look, Uncle Andy, you always get the girl.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Can't you just give me this one shot?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58And if I fall, it'll be on my own sword.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I hear you've been doing a lot more than falling on it.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Fine, you go for it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08In fact, I'll even help. I know loads about older ladies.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- You'd do that for me? - Sure, pal, what are uncles for?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13First, I'll open up with a cheeky joke,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16like, uh, what do you call a person who plays too much saxophone?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- What?- A sax addict.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Then I'll move on to talk about art, literature and music.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23And then I'll slip in a humble brag.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Nicola Sturgeon followed me on Twitter.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- Have you heard of negging? - Like adding negative integers?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31It's a compliment that's also a subtle knock to her self-esteem.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- Why would you want to do that? - To make her crave your approval.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Example - you remind me of my little sister. She's a real nerd.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Now your turn.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43I like your hands. They look soft, but not...too soft.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45No. Again.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Hi, are you lost?- Why?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Because you've got a far-off look.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Maybe you're a dreamer.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57Or maybe you're scared that people can see what you really are.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59A bitter impostor grasping at shreds of bliss
0:15:59 > 0:16:02while real happiness falls through your fingers,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05knowing that you'll never have the life that you desperately crave.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07You're too broken inside.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Can I get you a drink? - Bet...better.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Also, I like the grey in your beard. - It's distinguished like a rabbi.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15OK, we get it!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Get back to me, yeah? OK, cool, nice.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Marsh will be here soon. You guys got new lyrics ready?
0:16:20 > 0:16:25No, but I...I like your old-lady shoes.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Uh...thanks.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Um, I got them off your mum.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Well, at least you can change your shoes.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Shame about...your...face.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Are you negging me?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40No, what gave you that dumb idea?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42SHE GIGGLES
0:16:42 > 0:16:44You stupid cutie!
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Mmm, too bad. Better luck next time.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53She called me cute.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Psst! Hey, Errol.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Ooh, hello, girls. Are you, uh...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04You're...you're looking all very tired.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06It's from all this waiting.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Yeah, good luck checking in with all those...bags.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Maybe you could help us get in early, give us a tour?
0:17:15 > 0:17:16We'd make it worth your while.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Hey, Andy, you ready for me? I'm caffeinated and fascinated.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23And plus we're running low on time, so...
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Look, I just want to say I'm sorry
0:17:26 > 0:17:29if I came across as defensive earlier.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I'm a passionate and sensitive guy, you know?
0:17:32 > 0:17:33I can't switch it off.
0:17:33 > 0:17:38When I write - and between the sheets. It's a gift and a curse.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Mostly a gift.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Dude, you have nothing to apologise for.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I just want you to write from an honest place.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Now, come on, bring it in.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Lex!- OK, BRB.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56I want to hear some lyrics.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- What was all that about? - I don't know.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02One minute we were discussing chord progressions,
0:18:02 > 0:18:03and the next, she was all over me.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Can't a guy get any work done around here?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08What's with the posse, joining the suffragettes?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11They begged me for a backstage tour. Turns out I'm irresistible.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Hey, is that my baby? - Hey, boyfriend!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16"Boyfriend"?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Whoo! Mwah!
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Of course that's why she's their producer. Total nepotism!
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Well, technically, it's cronyism.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Josh, you know Andy,
0:18:25 > 0:18:29and that's his nephew, co-writer and all-round cutie, Errol.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Phew! For a second I thought I was meeting my replacement.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Nice shirt, little man. - Actually, that's MY shirt.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37And I'm not little. I'm in the top 15th percentile for my age.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I thought it'd be good for Josh to hear the track before Mar...
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- PHONE VIBRATES - Oh, shit, it's Marsh.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Yeah, yeah. Great.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- What an idiot.- He's not going to provide for her needs.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I could do our taxes and maximise our return.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55And look at his little torso, I bet he's a shit big spoon.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57He doesn't even know the best brunch spots. Bet he uses Time Out.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59She should start afresh with someone young
0:18:59 > 0:19:02who understands the intricacies of self-employed status.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Or she could go for someone with a driving licence
0:19:04 > 0:19:05and can legally buy alcohol.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Did I mention I know how to brew alcohol? Not to toot my own horn.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09And you do like to toot it.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Code red, guys. Marsh will be here in 30 minutes.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Well, I should, uh, relieve myself of my tour group.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Girls!
0:19:16 > 0:19:17I've lost my girls.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Girls!
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Girls!
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Oh!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- We saw you talking to Josh.- Oh, him.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Can you introduce us? Josh is my absolute fave.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Well, Liam's my favourite and then Josh,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33but I ship "Losh", so I'm good either way.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34I don't want to get in any trouble.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37You're cute, you remind me of my brother. He's also a coward.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Are you negging me? - We're not negging. We're begging.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Please, you're too cute to be mean!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- Come on, come on, we'll do anything...- Please...
0:19:45 > 0:19:46- Please!- Please!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Ladies!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Control yourselves.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Andy.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Let me ask you a question,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04and, uh, answer me honestly.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06OK.
0:20:06 > 0:20:096.75 inches. 7 if I pull on it.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11What? No.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- What do you think about romance novels?- Rubbish.
0:20:14 > 0:20:20And girlie things like ponies, dolls and sparkly vampires?
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Crap, crap and more crap.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23And...boy bands?
0:20:25 > 0:20:26It's all right, just let it out.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I hate them. I hate them and their music, all right?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34They're disposable, insubstantial bubble-gum pop crap.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38And only teen girls love them, so you think it's beneath you.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40And you're trying to write a bad song
0:20:40 > 0:20:44because you think that's what the audience deserves.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Andy...
0:20:46 > 0:20:49the Beatles were a boyband.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52The Pistols were a manufactured pop group.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Once you strip it back, all you're left with are chords and lyrics.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58A song is a song.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03And all audiences deserve your best effort.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09So, what you're saying...
0:21:09 > 0:21:11is that it's almost as if...
0:21:12 > 0:21:13..teenage girls...
0:21:15 > 0:21:16..are people.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18SHE CLICKS TONGUE
0:21:18 > 0:21:20DOORBELL RINGS
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Hi, I'm Lance, your IT specialist.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I understand you have a computer that needs servicing.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28You've got malware on your hard drive
0:21:28 > 0:21:30from downloading too much filthy pornography.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Oh, dear...
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Yeah, it's quite serious...pornography.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I've been a naughty girl, I guess, so what you going to do?
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Well, I'll just have to reformat your hard drive from scratch.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Jesus, I hope you still have your OS start discs.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- But what are you going to do to me? - Give you a stern talking to about
0:21:46 > 0:21:48which websites you visit in the future.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I suggest downloading AdBlock and creating a whitelist,
0:21:51 > 0:21:52and you should use private browsing mode
0:21:52 > 0:21:54and delete these cookies regularly.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- It's fine, we all make mistakes. - Bruce...
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Too technical?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01It's moved away from sexual fantasy into actual IT support.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Sorry, I just get really annoyed when the jargon's not accurate.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06This isn't getting us out of our comfort zone enough.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09It's hard keeping it fresh with all this pressure.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- I just wish we could do something spontaneous...- And filthy.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Really, really filthy, like, properly nasty disgusting filth.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- Ha! - THEY SIGH
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Yep, nothing more filthy than Andy's flat.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25THEY CHUCKLE
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Freud would have a field day with this one.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33DOOR OPENS
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Help. Teach me to stop being sexy.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37It's a family curse, what am I supposed to do?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40You've stolen my mojo. I should've never given you all my T-shirts.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42It's not the T-shirts - it's me. I'm metamorphosing.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44We get it. Puberty is Kafkaesque.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Kafkaesque doesn't actually refer to body horror,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48it means nightmarishly bureaucratic, but whatever.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Oh, yeah, whatever Mr I-Know-Big-Words.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Riddle me this - where's the G-spot?- Irrelevant.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55You're just jealous cos Lex likes me more than you.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57You're kidding yourself. She's out of your league.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58The closest you've ever come to a girlfriend
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- is "Rosie Palm" and her five friends.- Oh, yeah?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Well, at least I don't have genital warts,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05and I never will because I've had the HPV vaccine.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10I mean, I don't have genital warts either, um, any...anymore.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16HE SIGHS That's it. I'm done here.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20I'll just tell Marsh it's over and then, so long, solo career.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Go and say goodbye to your eight million girlfriends, we're leaving.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Oh, you were right, Josh.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I've lost it. I don't have sex appeal any more.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I'm like Freddie Prinze Jr after Scooby-Doo.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39And now I've got to watch my nerd nephew
0:23:39 > 0:23:42rise to the top of the mountain while I get put out to pasture.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45And now it's cardigans and prunes from here on out.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Oh, shut it, I said the song had no sex appeal, not you, you numpty.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I think you're sexy as fuck.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56Really? You're not just...blowing smoke?
0:23:56 > 0:23:57I would like to blow something.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01I mean, you're a bit on the young side for me, but I love a good DILF.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Well, I'm not actually a dad... - Whatever.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05You can be my daddy any time.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Just count yourself lucky that I am taken.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- Cos you're dating Lex, right? - No, wrong team. She's just a bestie.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14See you around, hot stuff. Woof.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Woof.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23# Baby girl
0:24:23 > 0:24:25# I've been watching you
0:24:27 > 0:24:29# Something strange is happening
0:24:29 > 0:24:31# I feel it deep inside Oooh
0:24:31 > 0:24:35# Never been so vulnerable You've left me open wide
0:24:35 > 0:24:39# Every time your name comes up this jackal tries to hide
0:24:39 > 0:24:42# Oooh When I saw you kissing
0:24:42 > 0:24:44# Something deep within me died
0:24:44 > 0:24:47# I've been going crazy girl I've nearly lost my mind
0:24:47 > 0:24:50# Green-eyed In fact, I'm past insanity
0:24:50 > 0:24:52# So nearly is too kind Oooh
0:24:52 > 0:24:57# Your picture's on the internet It wasn't hard to find
0:24:57 > 0:25:01# Didn't see it coming cos this green eye's made me blind
0:25:02 > 0:25:05# Green-eyed monster Work your body
0:25:05 > 0:25:08# Work, work your body Oooh
0:25:08 > 0:25:11# Watching you across the room
0:25:11 > 0:25:13# Green-eyed monster Work your body
0:25:13 > 0:25:16# Work, work your body Oooh
0:25:16 > 0:25:20# Watching you across the room Ah, ah, yeah
0:25:20 > 0:25:23RAPPING: # I went to the doctor
0:25:23 > 0:25:25# With a green-eyed monster
0:25:25 > 0:25:27# Said she could handle it What did she say?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29# But it's going to cost ya
0:25:29 > 0:25:33# I've given up on food and sleep I don't know what to do
0:25:33 > 0:25:37# Who are all these assholes stood before me in the queue?
0:25:37 > 0:25:41# It isn't paranoia if it turns out to be true
0:25:41 > 0:25:45# You've told me it was over now you've left me feeling
0:25:45 > 0:25:49# Green-eyed monster Ye-ea-ah
0:25:49 > 0:25:52# I've been paying for my sins Ye-ea-ah
0:25:52 > 0:25:54# Green-eyed monster never wins
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# Green-eyed monster Ye-ea-ah
0:25:57 > 0:26:01# I've been trying everything Ye-ea-ah
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# I've been going through your bins. #
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Green eyes as a metaphor for jealousy.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Clever. Josh, verdict.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19It'll get nuns pregnant.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Welcome to the dark side.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24You've just written your first boy-band song.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Well, couldn't have done it without you.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I think I have a new-found respect for what Zayn went through.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Teenage girls can be scarier than the Zika virus.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- Oh, my God!- Ladies, not now.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Errol, can you step aside?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Yeah, you're blocking our view of Josh.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Well, time to get to work.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41GIRLS SQUEAL
0:26:41 > 0:26:45- You guys staying for the showcase? - I got to get home, laundry night.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Errol might stay, though.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55Lex, I have no artistry in this area, but here goes.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00I dig you, and, uh, what do you think of younger guys?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02I'm going to be legal in a few months, anyway.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05You're not ready for a woman in her 20s.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07But...I'm mature for my age.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Look, you're very cute, and I love your T-shirt,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14but I need a guy who remembers before Facebook was invented,
0:27:14 > 0:27:18and you need a nice person closer to your age.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20You feel me?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Uncle Andy, wait, wait, wait.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25What happened with Lex?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I just remembered it's the Countdown finals tonight.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I love watching Rachel Riley bash out those vowels.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Get it? Bash out. Because it's a masturbation joke.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I get it. Actually that reminds me...
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- Those should keep you busy for a while.- Thank you.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42And we should probably make a rule
0:27:42 > 0:27:44to, uh, not fight over the same girl again.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- There was no contest. Trust me. - If you say so.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49What's in the box?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- Oh, it's just Uncle Andy's old porn mags.- Oh.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54So, how did the three-egging go?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Not sure yet, I only just put the batter in.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Uh, oh, I must've come... I'm going to go.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04PHONE VIBRATES
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Hey, long time, no chat.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15How's it going?
0:28:15 > 0:28:17- 'This Andy King?'- Yeah.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20'Your friend left her phone in the back of my cab.'
0:28:20 > 0:28:21You're top of her favourites.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Really?
0:28:23 > 0:28:24Where do you live? I'll drop it off.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27You're going to drop it off. What, from New York?
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Do I sound like I'm in New York?
0:28:30 > 0:28:34'Your friend left her phone in my black cab.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35'She's in London, mate.'
0:28:38 > 0:28:41# Love my way
0:28:41 > 0:28:45# It's a new road
0:28:45 > 0:28:49# I follow
0:28:49 > 0:28:51# Where my mind goes
0:28:51 > 0:28:55# They'd put us on the railroad
0:28:55 > 0:28:59# They'd dearly make us pay
0:28:59 > 0:29:02# For laughing in their faces
0:29:02 > 0:29:05# And making it our way. #