0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:05 > 0:00:06# Oh, darling, how we hate to go... #
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Oh!
0:00:08 > 0:00:10That last note always fucks me.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14No, no, no, it's nice, it's nice. It sounds, er... It's human.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Marsh is going to love this. You all right?
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Feeling a bit parched, actually.
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# He says that I'm a sight to make eyes sore, darling. #
0:00:27 > 0:00:30I've never drunk Prosecco out of a mug before.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33I find it really brings out the earthy tones.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Mm, mm.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Has anybody ever told you that you're the perfect woman?
0:00:42 > 0:00:45You're only saying that so I'll hire you for my album.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46I'm serious.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50You can do my album if you answer one question.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Why do your eyes look so sad?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55It's just, you know, life.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Now let me be the T Bone Burnett to your Diana Krall.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I always fancied getting T Boned.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09What's say you and I go out and celebrate properly, Mr Producer?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14A little fairy dust to get the night swirling.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I shouldn't, I'm trying to cut down.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18What are you afraid of, old man?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Old man?! Nothing.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Go on, then.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Yeah, I mean, sure, why not? I do this all the time.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34MUSIC: Ace Of Spades by Motorhead
0:01:37 > 0:01:40# If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man
0:01:40 > 0:01:43# You win some, lose some, it's all the same to me
0:01:50 > 0:01:53# The pleasure is to play, makes no difference what you say
0:01:57 > 0:02:00# I don't share your greed, the only card I need is
0:02:00 > 0:02:02# The ace of spades
0:02:02 > 0:02:03# The ace of spades. #
0:02:06 > 0:02:07I'm alive.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33HE YELLS
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Uncle Andy? Uncle Andy?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Is she dead? Did you kill her?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I don't approve but I'll help you hide the body.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Oh, thank Christ for that. Who is she?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Jasmine. I was helping produce a demo for her last night.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Now, what do you want? More porn?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50No, I'm visiting potential schools for sixth form,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52but I want them to think I'm hip. Do you have any suggestions?
0:02:52 > 0:02:53- Don't say hip. - Look at this place.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I can't believe you live like this. Have you been sleeping all day?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57And what's that on your face?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Is that flour or is that caster sugar?
0:03:01 > 0:03:02That's not flour or sugar, is it?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I can't believe you brought class A drugs into our house.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08It was just one night! I don't have a drugs problem.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11I don't.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I realise this is a lot to take in.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Do you have any more questions?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Well, if you think of anything, call me.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20PHONE BEEPS
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I hope you'll consider us, Errol.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29We only take exceptional candidates and your mock GCSE results were...
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Oh, um, about my results, can we keep that between us?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35You might find this hard to believe but I've been bullied quite a lot.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37We're not like other schools.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Students who show academic excellence
0:03:39 > 0:03:41are top of the pecking order here, the cool kids.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44HE LAUGHS
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Oh you're...you're not joking.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47KNOCKING Ah, Emma.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Errol, Emma's one of our star pupils and quite the harpist.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54She's volunteered to show you around today.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Niels Bohr's atomic model. Love the retro design,
0:03:56 > 0:04:00even if his particle configuration was wildly inaccurate.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Down there's the physics lab, we've just got an electron microscope.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Oh, wow, really? Mm...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Pfft, whatever.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09You're right, it's not top of the line.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Enquiry - are you named after Errol Flynn,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14the rakish screen actor or Errol Morris the documentarian?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16His film about Robert McNamara really made me
0:04:16 > 0:04:18rethink the military industrial complex.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20I'm actually named after my mother's childhood cat,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22which is ironic because I'm actually allergic to cats...
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Disclosure - I'm not that good a harpist,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I only came in third at the nationals.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Do you play any instruments?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Yeah, piano, guitar, keyboard, a bit of drums.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I also play in an indie band. We were up for a label.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Cool. We're not even allowed to use dry ice at school productions -
0:04:37 > 0:04:38gives too many students asthma.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Asthma?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Losers.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Look, Errol, what I lack in social nuance
0:04:43 > 0:04:44I make up for in blunt honesty.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48You fascinate me.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Cool.- If you're amenable, I think you should invite me
0:04:50 > 0:04:52over later to continue my research on human behaviour.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Who knows where it might lead? Some place warm and inviting.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00That reminds me, let me show you our heated, Olympic-size swimming pool.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01This way.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Crazy, right? I'm on cloud 11.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Goddamn, this is strong weed.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Here, say hi.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Um, hi.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Sexy voice, right? I'll call you later, slut!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Who was that?- My mum.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Mm, last night was one for the ages.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I'll never question your partying skills again.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I'm a bit fuzzy - what happened, er, exactly?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Well, after you sang the Adele catalogue to the whole pub,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35you got down on one knee and popped the Q.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36But you didn't have a rock,
0:05:36 > 0:05:41so that's how my toe ring ended up on your finger, fiance.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Aren't you going to say something?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47That is strong weed.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Got formaldehyde in it.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52What's say we spend the rest of the afternoon snuggling
0:05:52 > 0:05:55and planning weds with a little help from these guys?
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Des champignons de magique, as Serge Gainsbourg would say.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04That sounds amazing.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Um, but you wait right here and I will be back.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14There you are. Did you get my text? Why didn't you answer?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Do you know what's been going on? - Andy, we need to talk.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18You're not kidding. I produced a track
0:06:18 > 0:06:19for a beautiful train wreck last night,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22then we went out, got absolutely blitzed,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24yadi yadi yada, I'm engaged, what do I do?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Andy, I love you, but I can't deal with
0:06:25 > 0:06:27your typical shit storm right now.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Typical?! In what way is this typical?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- Hey, guys.- What are those bags for?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Dinner with mum and Luca, remember? Tiff's meeting them at the station.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I'm making my famous chilli con carne.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- What's up, Andy? - I got accidentally engaged.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Good one. I was day dreaming the other day
0:06:40 > 0:06:43on the Piccadilly Line, ended up in Cockfosters.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- Speaking of cocks.... - How was your school visit, Roly?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I've made a new friend, she's coming over later.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I think she likes me, I don't know what to do.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Oh, we haven't got time for your imaginary girlfriends
0:06:51 > 0:06:54right now Roly. I've got accidentally engaged.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Oh, typical.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Bruce, can I speak to you for a minute?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Don't worry, I'm making a non-spicy chilli for the kids,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01but frankly, I think they're old enough to eat the hard stuff.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It's not that.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Oh, I keep telling my mum our marriage status
0:07:05 > 0:07:07is none of her beeswax, but she's old school, you know?
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Fire and brimstone.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11No, I went to the doctor's this morning, and don't freak out...
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I knew it would happen once I stopped taking the hot baths!
0:07:15 > 0:07:19It's like, it's like I was melting all my little Bruces.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20You are amazing.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23And don't panic, I'm going to take loads of paternity leave.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- Are you excited?- Yeah.- Yay!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I can't keep up with her. Maybe if I eat right, hit the gym,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I can make this work for 20 years at least.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- 54's not a bad age to die, right? - Have you not learnt anything?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37This is what happens when you do hard drugs.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Just tell her that you made a mistake, maybe she'd be relieved.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Relieved? I'm a catch!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44You're a mid-thirties man baby living in his sister's basement.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46How dare you? It's not a basement, it's a garden flat.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48And I'm not a man baby, I'm a...
0:07:48 > 0:07:49a man-dolescent.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53All right, fine. But please, if you really love this family,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55just promise me you won't do any more hard drugs.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57OK, fine, I promise. Now, what's the deal with your girl?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Oh, nothing, she's just coming round.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02But it's no biggie, I can hang with a girl without panicking.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh, God, she's here!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Emma?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Oh. Hi, Diane, hi, Luca, hi, Tiff.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Errol, what have I told you? Please call me Grandma Didi.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13We're family! Even though Bruce and your mother refuse to
0:08:13 > 0:08:16make it official, we can still pretend.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Ignore her. One of her tips came through on Crime Watch,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21she's still drunk on the power.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Who did you think was at the door, anyway?
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Local MP.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Hey, it's Grandma Didi!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37It's Diane. Bruce tells me you're still not going to church.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Not technically, but I've hailed a few Marys. What's up, Luca?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42About to finish my final year at St Martin's.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44MFA, here we come.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Do you know what MFA stands for? Mother's Fears Actualised.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50He'll never make enough money to move out and find a wife
0:08:50 > 0:08:51unless he gets a real job.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Bruce never took his doodles seriously, look where he is.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Divorced and living in sin.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Well, at least he's got a girlfriend to live in sin with.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03You're a handsome boy, Luca, you just need to put yourself out there.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06You've set the bar too high, Mum - no girl can ever compete with you.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Come here, handsome!
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Hi.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Hello, Samantha. I see no ring on that finger.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Mum, you said you would behave.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I'm just saying, poor Tiffany's dying to be a bridesmaid.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17What?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Hey, Luca, how's the talented and lovely brother I never had?
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Ha-ha.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Emma?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Look who I found.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Hey, Jasmine!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I thought you'd done a runaway bride.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Mm...
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Andy, are you going to introduce me to the fam?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Well, that's my sister, Sam, boyfriend, Bruce,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43boyfriend's mother, boyfriend's brother,
0:09:43 > 0:09:44boyfriend's ex-stepdaughter, and, yeah,
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I think that's everyone worth mentioning.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47I'm Errol, his nephew.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Hi. I'm Jasmine and I'm Andy's fiancee.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Would you prefer if I called you Jasmine or Auntie Jas?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58You can call me whatever you like.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01It's nice to see young people committing to each other.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I think it's sweet you live in your sister's basement.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05It's a garden flat.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Hi, I'm Emma, Errol's friend.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Wrong house.- Ah!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I've got this one, Tiff, thank you very much.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I need to be home in time for Newsnight.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Shall we go straight to your room?
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Guys, Emma, Emma, guys.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Look, Jas, I've got something I need to say.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I think we should break it off.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- What?- We were both wasted last night.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I don't really know you, you don't really know me -
0:10:33 > 0:10:35it was the drugs talking.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Yes, and they were telling us that we were meant to be.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Have you seen True Romance?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44We're like that, only Christopher Walken's not chasing us.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Proposing to you will go down as one of my greatest achievements,
0:10:47 > 0:10:51including taking a piss next to Eric Clapton at Coco and, yes,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53it was like a guitar neck.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- You mean it?- It was practically dragging on the floor.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58No, I mean the part about our engagement.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- You're not still high?- No way.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Shame! Let's fix up with some klonopin I got off my manager.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06First communion.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10PHONE BUZZES
0:11:10 > 0:11:12You going to answer that?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14It's probably just a telemarketer.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Whose phone is this?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21That's my dead Uncle Frank's prossy phone,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23he had an adult baby fetish.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I don't know why I keep hold of it, really.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27So, how's Claire?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Mum, how would you feel if I kept asking you about Dad?
0:11:29 > 0:11:33That's different, you know how I feel about the Nigerian devil.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35You do realise Luca and I are half Nigerian, right?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38You don't count, you're only Nigerian when you misbehave.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Seriously now, so when are you getting married?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Mum!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Sam and I are having a baby.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Are you happy for us?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Of course I'm happy!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53My first biological grandchild.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Now, you have nine months to make it right.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01This is nice. I wish I had a sister,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03then we could've done slumber parties.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05all Bruce ever wanted to do was play Warhammer.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Anyway, sorry, what did you want to tell me?
0:12:06 > 0:12:10OK, I have some big news.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13So do I. I've met someone, graffiti artist, Sasha,
0:12:13 > 0:12:14looks like a South Asian Drake
0:12:14 > 0:12:17but he's hung like a South Asian Fassbender.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19What do you think my mum would say if she found out I was gay?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Sorry, what's your news? - OK, um...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23You're right, fuck it, I'm finally going to tell her.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25If she disowns me I can just come and live with you guys.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I'm not sure that's a good idea.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29What's not a good idea?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Sports bras, it's like trying to stuff two melons into a coin purse.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I think I actually agree with you on that one.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Luca, can you give us a minute, please?
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Diane, I know you're going to ask
0:12:42 > 0:12:44when Bruce and I are getting married...
0:12:44 > 0:12:46It's all right, no rush.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I just want you to take the right steps spiritually...
0:12:50 > 0:12:51..for all of you.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56This is opal, an oldie but a goodie.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Oh, I've just collected this beaut. This is lapis lazuli.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01What about cummingtonite?
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Huh?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04The mineral, cummingtonite, named after Cummington
0:13:04 > 0:13:07in Massachusetts where it was first discovered in 1824.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Oh, I knew that. No, I haven't got that one.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Errol, I've Googled your birth date and determined I'm only
0:13:15 > 0:13:18five months older, which is an acceptable spread,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- I'd hope you'd agree? - Um, yeah.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I don't want to presume to know your orientation,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26so may I ask where you fall on the Kinsey Scale?
0:13:26 > 0:13:32Zero being entirely heterosexual and six being entirely homosexual.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Maybe a one, but if I really interrogate myself maybe a two.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Interesting.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39But it jumps to a three whenever men's gymnastics is on.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Is it me or is it a bit stuffy in here?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I may be failing to pick up social cues,
0:13:43 > 0:13:45you'll let me know if I'm being too forward.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Oh, it's not that.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48And I'm presuming, based on the fact that
0:13:48 > 0:13:51you're in a band, you're not a virgin.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52- HE CHUCKLES - No.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Great, my foreplay could use work.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I'll leave the opening move in your capable hands.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I should brush my teeth first.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06What were you doing in Tiff's room?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Impromptu love nest with Auntie Jiz Jas.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Oh... - Well, what have you been doing?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Boring girls to death with fun facts about Jeremy Corbyn?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Manhole spotting is not boring.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Yeah, I've got a manhole you can spot.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19That came out wrong.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I think Emma has the wrong idea about my sexual experience.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25How? You've clearly not touched a vagina since one spat you out.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Well, have you broken off your sham marriage yet?
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Not exactly. We've sort of reaffirmed our vows, actually.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32I'm really feeling this one.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33You're an idiot.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36You don't want to get married, you're just afraid of dying alone.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Are you high right now?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Just pretending to be high to impress Jas.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Oh, that's cool.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Thanks.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Oh, my God, you ARE high.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Technically I'm low because I'm on downers.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I haven't got a drugs problem.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Good, me neither.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Oh, you can't go in there,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55it's currently occupied with the future Mrs Andy King.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- But you're still in love with Melodie.- I'm-I'm not.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01You clearly are, everybody knows she's the love of your life.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- She's a friend.- Yeah, a friend you want a mortgage with.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Joke's on you because, my credit rating's too low to qualify.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07And don't be angry with me just because
0:15:07 > 0:15:10you're jealous of Errol's new piece.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Out of my room, please.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Well, that was surprising.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I know, I've never heard Tiff say please.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Hey, sweetie.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Did you tell your mum I was pregnant?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Me? No.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Yes, I did, but only because I'm so psyched.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31You can't make big announcements without me,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33we're supposed to be a team.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35So why don't we make this team official?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Sam, would you do me the honour...?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Are you seriously proposing to me over a pot of chilli?
0:15:40 > 0:15:41No.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Good, because I think when you hear what I have to say you'll...
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Bruce, can I get your help with something, please?
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Actually, now's not a good time.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Do you know what? It's a great time, it's fine.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54You're good with gadgets - how would you go about fixing
0:15:54 > 0:15:58a phone that may have fallen into a fish bowl?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Buy a new phone.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03That chilli smells amazing.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06The secret - 80% dark chocolate.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08(I'll take it to my grave.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10(Andy, can I have a word?)
0:16:10 > 0:16:13I'll go check my mum's not going through our cupboards.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17(Are you ready to take things to the next level?)
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Butt plugs?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23No, I knew that's what you meant. Oh, listen I don't think...
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Andy?
0:16:25 > 0:16:26What are you doing?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Ke-keeping an eye on the chilli.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Can I have a word?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33You can do this, you can do this.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- You can do what? - Oh, um...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38There's a spider in my room.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Do you want me to kill it?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41No, I'm building up the courage to do it myself.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42What are you doing?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I'm also building up the courage.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Are you going to tell Diane to shove it?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- Because I don't want to miss that. - No.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I'm building up the courage to say...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55..I'm so proud of you.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Even if I don't kill the spider?
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Especially then.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07There you are. Are you ready to resume foreplay?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Um...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Did you know that Jeremy Corbyn claimed the least expenses
0:17:12 > 0:17:15for any MP from 2009 to 2010?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Did you know that he, er,
0:17:19 > 0:17:23he's a member of the All Party Parliamentary Group for Cheese?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26And did you know that he has an allotment and he, er,
0:17:26 > 0:17:30he makes jam with the... the fruit that he grows on it?
0:17:32 > 0:17:33I did know.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Oh, hi, what are you doing here?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42It's my room. What are you doing?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Oh, I was... I was looking for somewhere to hide.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- Did Diane upset you? - Oh, no, no, it's not Diane.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I have...
0:17:50 > 0:17:54I have, erm, Can't Touch This stuck in my head.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Well, maybe listening to Radio 1 will help.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01You're a good girl, Tiff.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04You'd better not tell anyone I'm nice.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07What's up?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10OK I've been thinking and I need you to tell my mum I'm gay.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Ah! Why me?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Think about it, it's perfect -
0:18:13 > 0:18:14you live in your sister's basement...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Garden flat. - ..and you're high most of the time.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18No, I'm not, not at all.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I'm not judging, Andy. I'm like you, we're both artists,
0:18:21 > 0:18:22artists stick together.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25It's just, you don't seem to care what people think of you
0:18:25 > 0:18:26and I admire that.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- Thank you. - And if Mum reacts badly,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32you can just tell her you made it up and she'll believe you.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Are you seriously telling me that she doesn't already know?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36What's that supposed to mean?
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Because, you know...
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- BRUCE:- Food's ready!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Can you unfasten my bra? I always have trouble with this one.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Er, sure, of course. I've unfastened so many bras in my time,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I can't remember all of the times, um...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54So many they call me BRAd Pitt.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Sometimes BRAdley Cooper and, er,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00BRAnold Schwarzenegger, BRAdolf Hitler.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Ow. Do you have any condoms?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Do I? I burn through rubber faster than a Formula One car.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- BRUCE:- Errol! Food!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Oh, um, maybe we should fuel up for the big race.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Not that it's, er, it's a race, is it?
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Um, slow and steady, right?
0:19:16 > 0:19:21We have grated cheese, sour cream and coriander, children.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Now, this may not be familiar to you because it's green.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27This food looks out of this world.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35No!
0:19:35 > 0:19:36What, is there something wrong?
0:19:36 > 0:19:41Er, er... No, I just think that maybe we should all say grace.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45If you're trying to get in my good books, Andy, it's working.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51Dear God, thank you for the great company
0:19:51 > 0:19:52and this food.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I'd say it smells too good to eat.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Maybe we should just take Instagram pics and leave it at that.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Or we could chow down. - Amen.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Er, Roly, haven't you got something to say?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Oh, well, I have been reading a very good book called
0:20:06 > 0:20:07The Omnivore's Dilemma.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Luca, have you got an announcement to make?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I'm good.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16In Mexico, coriander is referred to as cilantro.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18This is yum. We should do Tex Mex for the wedding.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21No-one wants another rack of lamb, right, Andy?
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Lamb sounds good.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24So, Andy, who's going to be your best man?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Considering he doesn't have any adult friends it'll probably be me.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28I'd love to write a best man's speech,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30something debauched yet heart-warming.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32And I've got an idea for the stag do.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Three words - papier-mache workshop.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Andy, aren't you hungry?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Sam, you've not touched any of yours.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Oh, yeah, I'm just feeling a bit nauseous.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I had terrible nausea when I was pregnant with Luca.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Bruce, what kind of mushrooms did you use in this? They're delicious.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- I didn't use any mushrooms. - Mum, are you pregnant?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Luca's gay! - What? No, I'm not.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Andy, it's gauche to out people.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Gay's not pejorative, my mum's a gay.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05I'm joking, it's not true.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Of course it's true, it's obvious.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08What do you mean, obvious?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11You were much too interested in Justin Timberlake as a boy.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14It's all right, you get it from the Nigerian side.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16If you knew, why were you always talking about me
0:21:16 > 0:21:18meeting a nice girl?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Because I thought it would push you to admit you were gay.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- I'm a virgin. - I don't want to get married.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Just shut up, all of you!
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Calm down, Samantha, mood swings are normal in your condition.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29I'm not pregnant.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I have cancer.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- DOOR SLAMS - Fuck!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Anyone else have a bomb they'd like to drop?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51There may be psychotropic mushrooms in the chilli.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Sam, wait!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Look Andy, you're exciting, but...
0:22:05 > 0:22:08it's all just a bit too messy for me.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09The right person's out there,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12you've just got to get your life together.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Sure, cool.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Keep the ring. Good vibes to your sis.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28I should go, my social cup is full.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- Sorry I didn't tell you that... - There's no shame in being a virgin.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Why do you think vampire novels
0:22:32 > 0:22:34and fairy tales in the Bible are always on about them?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37No rush. I look forward to seeing you again.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Where do you think your mum went? - KNOCKING
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Sammy, you are a sight for sore eyes.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55I'm such an idiot. I think she's been trying to tell me for hours.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56We've got a situation.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00GIGGLING
0:23:00 > 0:23:05Oh, Mum, you have to feel this rug.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06It's like a unicorn's fur!
0:23:06 > 0:23:0930% discount from Carpet Brothers.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10I love it.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14I love you. I love you, my beautiful gay son.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I love you more than Jesus.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I love you more than Beyonce.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Shh. Luca, blasphemy.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Maybe they got all the mushrooms.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30The big C, eh?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- I know a great oncologist if you need one.- Thanks.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37It was just a matter of time, I'm such a "and then she died" type.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Don't be so morbid. Look, I'm proud of you,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41coming over here was the right thing to do.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Coaster, drawer.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I was actually starting to enjoy my life.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I was feeling really optimistic about the next 30 years.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Well, you're not dead yet.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02You let Dr Feel Good take the pain away.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I don't want to OD.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07It's cut with benzo, balanced like a bank scale.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I'll pace you, trust me.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12PHONE RINGS
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Hey, Roly, what's up?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Oh, hi, Dad, did...?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Hey, Ben, it's Andy. Sam ran away.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Andy, ask Ben if he hates me.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Help us, please. Do you hate Bruce?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26No, and why can't you do it yourself?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28We're on mushrooms.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30But Roly's all right.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Jesus Christ, why did she run away this time?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34She's got cancer.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Shit.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Fuck, why did I ever stop?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46That's my Sammy.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47HE INHALES
0:24:48 > 0:24:50BANGING ON DOOR
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Look, just chill, OK? It's cool.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05And the gang's all back together.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Gents, shoes.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08We're not staying.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Sam, you're coming with us.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Yeah. WHOA, wait, are we in Japan?
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Are you two high?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16No, they're on psychedelics, So technically they're tripping.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Wait, hang on, how did you find me here?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Did Roly put a tracking app on my phone?
0:25:19 > 0:25:23You always joked if you were dying you'd go on a massive drugs binge.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Drugs? You mean drugs to fight cancer, right? Mum?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Can somebody please take my son out of here?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31We're trying to save you. This is an intervention.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32God, you are so co-dependent!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Do you think I'm the one that needs saving?
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Have you looked in the mirror lately?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37We love you, Sam. PHONE BUZZES
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Don't give up like that horse in The Never Ending Story.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Look, it's not broken!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Ah!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- I diffused the bomb.- Ah!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Can we just keep it down a bit? This is a nice building.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Oh sorry, Eclipse, are we too embarrassing for your neighbours?
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Eclipse?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56What, so he's THE Eclipse,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58the dealer who introduced Mum and Dad?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Introduced them?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02The way I remember it, your dad stole her from me.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05His real name's Cyril, we were flatmates at uni.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09How do you even know that story? Oh, course, Andy.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Has this wall always been here?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- Come on, Sam. - Back off, mate.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Don't you "mate" me, you gave a sick woman drugs.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19I'm a doctor, she's safer using with me than anyone else.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24Well, if you're such a great doctor, why are there gnomes in your drapes?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26No, they hide when you look.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Can you all just get out of here now? Go!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33If you don't come with us, Mum, I'm going to take all this.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34No.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47How's that for co-dependence?
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Sam, you're my hero, and if you don't take care of yourself
0:26:51 > 0:26:53then who's going to clean up my mess?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Everything's so intense for me right now.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I lost a baby and there's a girl that I love and I'm living in
0:26:58 > 0:27:02your basement like a troll. And I think that you're the only person
0:27:02 > 0:27:05that really gets how ugly I am inside.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08And you're my sister and sisters stick together.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Everybody gets cancer, even Patrick Swayze,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13and he fought it and he's fine now.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16No, Swayze's dead.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17PLATE CLATTERS
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Not Swayze!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Oh, God.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Andy, oh, my God.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26I feel like I'm living Interstellar and Inception simultaneously.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- That'll be the benzo. - Should I call an ambulance?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30No, he's probably just having a panic attack.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Jesus, Andy, only you could upstage cancer.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34He just needs water and plenty of rest.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Now, will you all please leave with your shoes?
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Oh, fuck you, Cyril.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Oh, fuck me? How about you owe me 300
0:27:40 > 0:27:42for the eight ball your brother just snorted?
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Whatever, Eclipse, you have my Withnail And I DVD from, like,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48seven years ago, I think we're even now.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50I'm sorry I took all the drugs, Roly.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53I did it to save you.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56You could've just thrown them on the floor.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Oh.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I think I've got a problem.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Don't worry, Andy, I'm here. Sisters stick together.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Hi, I'm Sam and I'm an addict.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13- ALL:- Hi, Sam.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17I got some bad news recently, life-changing, and I...
0:28:17 > 0:28:20I didn't handle it well. I, um...
0:28:20 > 0:28:23I forgot how to ask for help and I fell off the wagon.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26The good news is that my family intervened,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29and I know that not everyone's that lucky.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33I'm feeling...
0:28:33 > 0:28:36I'm feeling a lot more optimistic today,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39and I know that I can get through this.
0:28:40 > 0:28:41Thanks.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Hi. Um, I'm Andy.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Hi, Andy.
0:28:55 > 0:28:56And...
0:28:59 > 0:29:00..I'm an addict.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06# Strangers on this road we are on
0:29:08 > 0:29:10# We are not two, we are one
0:29:17 > 0:29:21# So you've been where I've just come
0:29:22 > 0:29:25# We are not two, we are one. #