0:00:04 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14MUSIC: Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# When routine bites hard
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# And ambitions are low
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And resentment rides high
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# But emotions won't grow
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# And we're changing our ways
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# Taking different roads
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# Then love
0:00:35 > 0:00:39# Love will tear us apart again... #
0:00:41 > 0:00:44BEEPING
0:00:45 > 0:00:48As smooth operations go, this one's up there.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- Have you just given her anything? - Just put the local in.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53She's dumped her pressure and her sats are dropping.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54RAPID BEEPING
0:00:54 > 0:00:57OK, give me adrenaline, hydrocortisone, 200 milligrams.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- Shall I carry on or stop?- Stop!
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Stop!
0:01:03 > 0:01:04This is officially the best day ever.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Comfy hospital gown - check. Trashy hospital mag - check.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10If this bed had a vibrate button, I could die happy.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- You're not convincing anyone.- Fine.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17I'm starving. Seriously, who can go 12 hours without eating anything?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Andy! Can you stop moving about?
0:01:19 > 0:01:23He's probably thinking about all the primo drugs that are in this building right now.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I wasn't! Until you mentioned it.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27And, actually, I was worried about my sister. Thank you.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30You don't need to worry. It's just a lumpectomy. I'm going to be fine.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33And I get that you're detoxing, but can you stand still? Cos you're making me nauseous.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Nauseated. Nauseous means you're making other people nauseated.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Whatever. You know what I mean. And why are you being so snippy?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Judging by his jumper, he's gone full Robert Smith.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Or maybe he has a girlfriend.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Sam, be rational.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- Come on, sweetie, what's up?- They should make hospital gowns red.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52That way, they can at least blend in with all the blood.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I regret letting you watch American Psycho.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57PHONE VIBRATES
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- Who is it?- It's Mum. She's asking if you've had your roots done,
0:02:00 > 0:02:04and I quote, "The surgeon won't care about you unless you care about yourself."
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Aww! Mum of the Year!
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Hospital parking is the worst. 50 quid for a day?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I could buy a black-market kidney for that. So! What's shaking?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I am reading which celebs are in a messy break-up this month,
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Andy's detoxing and Roly's sulking.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- He's not sulking.- Speaking of sulky teens, Tiff sends her love.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Aww!- Oh, and Claire. - Eurgh!- Mwah!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- You look so beautiful. - What did I tell you?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28I'm not being sentimental.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I'm an emotional rock.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- WHISPERS:- I'm wearing paper knickers.- Oh!
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Mum, is this really the time?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Any day that I'm legally allowed to pump myself full of drugs
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- is a win.- So lucky.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45What? Oh, yeah, cancer's terrible. Yeah.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Hi, Samantha. So, the surgeon has five procedures today
0:02:48 > 0:02:50and you are second on the list,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53so you shouldn't have too long to wait. Do you have any questions?
0:02:53 > 0:02:54What is the Wi-Fi password?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Fine, I'll just try "hospital1234".
0:02:59 > 0:03:01MONITOR BEEPS
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Oh, how do people do this?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- Sit still?- Manage stress without drugs.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14It's not like you were doing drugs all the time. What's different now?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Now, I am officially an addict, and as soon as you tell me
0:03:17 > 0:03:18I can't have something, I want it even more.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I went mental when they discontinued curry Twiglets.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- So how did you manage stress before?- There was no before.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I had my first spliff when I was 11.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Don't look at me like that. I looked old for my age.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- And I didn't have a stable home life.- And I do?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Fair enough.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I know, I know. I've got to find...
0:03:38 > 0:03:42a better way to filter my feelings, but I'm not a fucking fish tank, am I?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Well, you've only been clean about a week.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Why don't you just try thinking about something else? Like Melodie.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49The one that got away? Yeah, that'll help(!)
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- How long's she been in there? - 40 minutes.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- Definitely feels longer.- That's what she said.- Don't steal my act.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57How are you so calm?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01I'm a man of science. Feelings have no place in a hospital.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04PHONE VIBRATES
0:04:04 > 0:04:06What is it?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"Stay arm, we're shit, kiss-kiss".
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Whatever.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Right... Here's something fun that'll keep us busy.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Uncle Frank taught me this. If you stare directly at it, then the coin is yours.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20And when you've got it, you've got to get me to stare at it.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Then I get it back.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23The trick is to hold it underneath the waist
0:04:23 > 0:04:27and whoever's got the coin at the end of the day is the loser.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29When you said this game was going to be fun,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31did you really mean it was going to be pointless and stupid?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Ahhh, shit! I've got cramp in my foot.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Who's stupid now, stupid?
0:04:38 > 0:04:39What happens to the loser?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42A friend of mine had to go out in public dressed as a condom.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Why would anyone do that?- Because he has a reputation
0:04:45 > 0:04:48for being a wild and crazy guy, and that's its own burden.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Are you going to tell me what my mum said before she went to surgery?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Are you going to tell me what happened to your wrist?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Oh.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59That was, er...
0:04:59 > 0:05:01That was just a reading accident.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Sprained it while...
0:05:03 > 0:05:05turning a page too fast.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Ah.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Oh, shit, how did I get blood on my jeans?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Oh, you...
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I think I'm going to enjoy this game.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Oi, Errol. Do you like my shoes? - Not falling for it.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20The floor's got a funny pattern on it, hasn't it?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22MONITOR BEEPS
0:05:22 > 0:05:26I thought being in a wheelchair would be embarrassing, but I could get used to this.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Andy, stop chewing your feelings.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34So, what are you guys going to do while I'm gone?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Oh, you know, we're going to poke corpses and take some selfies
0:05:37 > 0:05:40with corpses. I'm kidding!
0:05:40 > 0:05:41We're not going to take any selfies.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44All right, don't miss me too much.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Bruce.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I'm... I'm not crying.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I'm the rock.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I crush feelings for fun.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Andy, come here. There's something I need to tell you. Come on.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59SHE WHISPERS
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- To the Batmobile, Robin.- Mum...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Break a leg.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24MUSIC: She's Lost Control By Joy Division
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- Turn that down! - HE TURNS MUSIC DOWN
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- What did you do that for?- So I can hear myself think.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30And what are you doing listening to New Order?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Joy Division.- They're the same band,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35and they're for pretentious art school burn-outs.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- It's your record.- What on earth are you wearing?
0:06:39 > 0:06:43- Clothes. What does it look like? - Like Halloween's come early.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- Where are you going?- Out. - Oh, no, you're not.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Veronica will be here any minute. We're going to order takeaway.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- I'm not hungry.- I'm not negotiating. You have to be up early.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- Your clothes make you look dumpy. - Excuse me?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57You always wear your Fred Perry shirts like
0:06:57 > 0:07:00you're still a young mod, but you're not.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04You're just a sad middle-aged man trying to hang on to his glory days.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Pathetic.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Enjoy your night out.- Don't wait up.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15MONITOR BEEPS
0:07:16 > 0:07:18There you are! She's still in theatre.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22What are you doing?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25What does it look like I'm doing? I'm turning my lungs to jerky.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Give me a puff.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- No way.- Is that because cigarettes are a drug?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32I see what you're doing.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35If cigarettes are a drug and I've given up drugs, then I should give up cigarettes.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Well, you're wrong.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39They're not drugs.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41If they're not drugs, then give me a puff.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Fine. They're drugs. But if you take these away from me,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46then I'll have nothing, and then I'll go full Kanye.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Don't ruin the only thing I've got left to live for.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51This isn't about you. This is about what I want.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54And surely my silence is worth a puff.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- You're allergic.- I've got my inhaler.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- Your mum would kill me.- What she doesn't know won't kill her.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Fine, I'll give you a puff.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09But first, you've got to guess what my shoe size is.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13You have got a lot to learn, young padawan.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18MUSIC BLARES
0:08:18 > 0:08:20ID.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I have a pituitary condition.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37MONITOR BEEPS
0:08:37 > 0:08:39INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Um...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Lovely weather we're having.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56I wouldn't know. I haven't been outside in a month.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- Oh.- Go on, just ask me.- Ask what?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- What I'm here for.- What are you here for?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Anal bleaching.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06And leukaemia. I got a two-for-one deal.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08HE CHUCKLES
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- I shouldn't be laughing, that was quite dark.- I know.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13That's why I'm getting it bleached.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- What are you in for?- My mum's having a lump removed.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- That sucks.- I know.- No, it sucks for me.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I was hoping you were a new inpatient.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- Cancer ward's got pretty slim pickings.- Hm! Thanks.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- For what?- For not saying everything's going to be OK.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Trust me, if there's one thing leukaemia teaches you,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32it's that everything is not going to be OK.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34And anyone that says that is full of crap.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Do you know how annoying people are when you're dying?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40It's like I can't be sad because they won't let themselves be sad.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43And they're always going on about positive visualisation
0:09:43 > 0:09:45and what an inspiration I am to everyone.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Hurgh.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I don't even think I mind dying that much.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Any more.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55But I'll tell you what really grinds my gears.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I'm not going to be around for the next Star Wars
0:09:58 > 0:10:00or the last Game Of Thrones book.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04God, I'd give anything for someone to stop pitying me and tell it like it is.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Your hat clashes with your robe.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Come on, you can do better than that.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I bet you've never read any Kierkegaard,
0:10:14 > 0:10:16and if you did, you wouldn't understand it.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Are you kidding me?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I bet the most interesting thing about you
0:10:20 > 0:10:22is that you're dying.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- SHE LAUGHS - Nicely done.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29All right? Let's hit the road, young lady.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Nice talking to you.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32See you in the next life.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Here's hoping you make it to the next Star Wars.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Don't hold your breath for Game Of Thrones.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Yeah, screw you, too.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Where've you been?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Let's just say I never thought I'd have a wank in a hospital.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48MONITOR BEEPS
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Look, she's going to be all right.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53All right? We just need to... think positive.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Yeah? That's what your mum would want. How about a joke?
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- Knock, knock.- Who's there? - Jesus.- Jesus who?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Come on! You've heard of me.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Jesus, I wish I was high.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- Maybe I'll join a gym.- You don't need a gym. You need a hug.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Come here.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Come here.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Cool. Well...
0:11:19 > 0:11:23I'll just set this over here for whenever you want it.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I know. We should get Sam a snack from the vending machine, all right?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- She's going to be starving when she wakes up.- Maltesers are her favourite.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- Pretty sure it's Dairy Milk.- Guys, I'm pretty sure it's Wotsits. - Since when?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Since she used to eat them every time she had the munchies,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36and since I've known her longer than both of you.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I was connected to her with an umbilical cord.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Well, I've had se...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43sex with her, so...
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- What's her favourite colour? - Purple.- Green.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- It's sea foam.- What's sea foam?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- It's pastel mint. - What, you mean green?!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- Roly, what happened to your wrist?- Nothing.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07MONITOR BEEPS
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- TEXT ALERT - Ooh. Mm...
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Sam just went into surgery.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I'm sure she'll be fine. Andy said it was routine.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Maybe I should call back anyway. - They've got enough going on.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I should write something back, though, right?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- Definitely.- Ohh, I hate texting.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25It's such a shallow way to communicate.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Right, how about, "We're all praying for her"?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- Nah, bit grim.- Mm.- How about,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34"Even with a dodgy tit, I still would"?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Yeah, so would I.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39But her brother's reading the text.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- Do you know what? I'm going to leave it.- No, no, no.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44You have to say something, even if it's just...
0:12:44 > 0:12:45"Kiss-kiss."
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I wouldn't kiss-kiss Andy if his lips were made of tits.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- Mike...- Yes, boss?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Family friend's in hospital having surgery on a tumour.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55What should I text her brother?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Internet hugs?!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Internet hugs? Euch!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02No wonder I pay you for your body and not your mouth.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07You could do emojis, like a frowny face and a bicep curl.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09That means, "I'm worried, stay strong."
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Is there an emoji for, "I couldn't think of something to say,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13"so I'm sending you a bullshit emoji"?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- Thinking face, poo face. - Here, just let me do it.- No, no...
0:13:16 > 0:13:20- Dad, let me do it. I've got an idea.- No, no...- Dad, give it to me! - Oh, shit.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22What?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24It sent.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26MONITOR BEEPS
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Do you think you'll ever have kids?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Dunno.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Society's broken.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39We can't even get the electoral system right.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41What about you? Do you think you'll ever do it?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Vote? No.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I mean, I'm still on the fence between Coke and Pepsi.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48No, I mean have a baby.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Especially after the whole Teresa thing.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Uh...
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I think I've got enough people disappointed in me
0:13:54 > 0:13:56without creating new ones.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58What if it was with Melodie?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03I've got it.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06How about...
0:14:06 > 0:14:10the loser of the coin game gets to take a vow of silence for a week?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Sorry, excuse me.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I'm Dr Marcum. Are you Samantha King's family?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Yeah.- Everything went fine with the procedure.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24She tolerated the general really well.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27But when they were finishing up, she had an allergic reaction
0:14:27 > 0:14:30to the local anaesthetic they used to close the incision
0:14:30 > 0:14:33and she went into anaphylactic shock.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Hi, Sally.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I'll keep you posted.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50She looks so peaceful.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Well, I'm not. It's cramped as hell in this thing.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Don't you think this looks a bit bling for Uncle Frank?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58That cardboard box over there's only 100 quid.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I'm sure all the green options are probably more his speed, anyway.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- He'd probably hate this one.- That's what he gets for dying without a will while
0:15:04 > 0:15:08illegitimate kids pop out of woodwork and I'm left paying for his stupid body to sit in a freezer
0:15:08 > 0:15:10for ages because no-one will fork out for the burial costs.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13No. This way, I get the last laugh.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14I'll remember that when you die.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Who says I'm dying before you? I am way healthier.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19You're going to die first, cos that's how dramatic irony works,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21and then Roly can live with me full-time.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- I still have a dad, remember?- What if they both die, like, together,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26in a helicopter crash or something?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29What are my two divorced parents doing in a helicopter ride together?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31They're coming to my private concert on a remote tropical island.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33You arrived earlier by seaplane.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Well, I'll tell them not to go, then.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37You're not killing my mum with your stupid tropical concert.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I'll kill her however I want to kill her.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Boys! Relax. I'm not going to go to Andy's made-up concert
0:15:42 > 0:15:43and I'm not going to get in any helicopters.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45You're not getting rid of me for a long time.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Hi, can I help you?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Oh, how much is this coffin?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51£750.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53We'll take the cardboard box.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55MONITOR BEEPS
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Look, I'm sorry, I don't have an update for you.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- This is unacceptable. She's my wife.- Ex-wife.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I know this is difficult for you, I understand that... Hey, Kim.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Listen, mate, I'm feeling really tender today,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09so apologies if this comes across as rude,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12but I want you to go and find out what is going on with my sister
0:16:12 > 0:16:16right now or I am going to lose it, please!
0:16:16 > 0:16:20OK, I'll...I'll see what I can do.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I need a coffee.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25I'd better make sure he gets a decaf.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28No, of course, I wouldn't normally call like this,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30you know, especially the night before you have...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Um... You know...
0:16:33 > 0:16:34HE SIGHS
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Er, we...we had a row.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Row? About what?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I don't even know. I think he's just...
0:16:41 > 0:16:42pushing back.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48I wish he could worship me again like he did when he was little.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Do you think my shirts are too tight?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52No... Well... Well, maybe just the Fred Perry ones.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- I only wear Fred Perry ones. - Well, thanks for the call. - No, wait, Sam...
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- There's something else.- Yes, your jeans are a bit crotchy.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02No, um... Look, I know tomorrow's only routine,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05but I just wanted to say that, um...
0:17:05 > 0:17:09I'll be thinking of you and...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11I...
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Hey! Roly!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- You're back.- Yeah.- Cool.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I'm just, er...
0:17:19 > 0:17:20..ordering pizza.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Can we have mozzarella sticks, please?- What?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24I thought you had takeaway with Veronica.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Midnight...snack.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Yes, I'll...I'll pay cash.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Wait, Errol... - DOOR SHUTS
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Pathetic.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33MONITOR BEEPS
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- What is this?- A great room to come to think in peace.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Until you followed me in.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Ohh!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Does feeling everything always hurt this much?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Well, I wouldn't know. You're talking to a man of science, remember?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- I'm basically a sentient robot. - All right, robot,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02do you want to tell me what really happened to your wrist?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06It's embarrassing, really. I went to a concert last night and, er...
0:18:06 > 0:18:08got fake ID and everything, and then they...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10stamped my wrist to get into the venue.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12It was all going great until...
0:18:12 > 0:18:15suddenly my wrist began to swell up into a blistered mess.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I was allergic to the stamp. You don't want to see it, trust me.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21That's what you get for doing cool shit without me.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Lesson learned.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Hi there.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- Oh, we're just leaving.- You don't need to leave. Is there anything you want to talk about?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33No, we're good, thanks. You sure there isn't someone you want me to pray for?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Are you having a laugh? - Errol...don't.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38You're offering prayer up like it's something real that's going to help.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Praying is just thinking.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43It's inaction wrapped in piety. It's the least you can do for a person.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I'm praying for you to shut up right now.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I find prayer is a good way to take stock of the things
0:18:48 > 0:18:52we're grateful for and gives us, the prayer, a sense of perspective
0:18:52 > 0:18:55and can help us to process feelings
0:18:55 > 0:18:59by asking a divine something-greater-than-ourselves for help.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Like Mystic Meg, only not £1.50 a minute.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Richard Dawkins says a delusion is something people believe in
0:19:05 > 0:19:06despite a total lack of evidence.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08What do you have to say to that?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10That I've never seen the ocean floor, but I know it's there.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13That's because we have scientific evidence and photos
0:19:13 > 0:19:14and Jacques Cousteau documentaries.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16I'm not here to change your mind.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I'm only saying...what's the harm?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20The harm...
0:19:20 > 0:19:23is there is no God and we're all alone and everything is meaningless,
0:19:23 > 0:19:25or there is a God and he gives people cancer
0:19:25 > 0:19:29and only takes it away when people pray hard enough, meaning he's a total wanker.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Roly, wait.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33MONITOR BEEPS
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- They're ready for you.- All right, let's go see the wizard.- Wait.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Oh, no. Not a ukulele.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44It's what they call in recovery "rock-bottom".
0:19:44 > 0:19:47# My dog has fleas
0:19:47 > 0:19:50# Like a ship in a bottle
0:19:50 > 0:19:52# I don't want it to change
0:19:52 > 0:19:55# Even though he pissed me off And led the kid a-strange
0:19:55 > 0:19:59# Cos who is gonna tell me When I am full of shit?
0:19:59 > 0:20:03# And who will make me miserable And make me babysit?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07# So if you fucking die on me And leave me on my own
0:20:07 > 0:20:11# I promise I will hunt you down You'll have nowhere to turn
0:20:11 > 0:20:15# It's not that I would miss you Just I couldn't stand the fuss
0:20:15 > 0:20:19# Don't make me plan a funeral We're better off as us
0:20:19 > 0:20:23# I hate cancer More than ukulele songs
0:20:23 > 0:20:26# They're horrific, annoying And worst of all
0:20:26 > 0:20:28# They're twee as fuck And won't shut up
0:20:28 > 0:20:30# They jingle jangle on my tits
0:20:30 > 0:20:32# I hate them and they fuck me off
0:20:32 > 0:20:34# I wanna smash them all to bits
0:20:34 > 0:20:39# I hate cancer More than ukulele songs
0:20:39 > 0:20:42# They're annoying and hipster And worst of all
0:20:42 > 0:20:44# They're twee as fuck And won't shut up
0:20:44 > 0:20:46# They jingle jangle on my tits
0:20:46 > 0:20:48# I hate them and they fuck me off
0:20:48 > 0:20:50# I wanna smash them all to bits
0:20:50 > 0:20:54# I hate cancer More than ukulele songs
0:20:54 > 0:20:57# They're annoying and hipster And worst of all
0:20:57 > 0:20:59# They're twee as fuck And won't shut up
0:20:59 > 0:21:01# They jingle jangle on my tits
0:21:01 > 0:21:03# I hate them and they fuck me off
0:21:03 > 0:21:06# I wanna smash them all to bits. #
0:21:09 > 0:21:11MONITOR BEEPS
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Give me a cigarette.- Roly! - Please, I just need something
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- to take my mind off my dying mum. - Is this how it is now?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Following a family tradition of gateway drugs and self-harm?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Self-harm?- Did it make you feel better?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- I'm not going to let you hurt yourself.- How about I hurt you, then?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Roly! Calm down.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Don't tell me to calm down. I'm always the calm one.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39When do I get to lose my shit?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- Ow! Shit!- Come on, hit me.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I'm not going to hit you, you human swizzle stick.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Argh!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47One more time, Roly, I swear.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Or what?- Don't push me today.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I am feeling tender.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55I said I was feeling tender!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:01 > 0:22:03MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS
0:22:04 > 0:22:06MUSIC RESUMES
0:22:18 > 0:22:20You're up.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29You sure about this?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I can pay in cash.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Fine.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Hope she's a keeper.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39So do I.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41TATTOO GUN BUZZES
0:22:42 > 0:22:44By the way, that Chinese symbol,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46that doesn't mean "Beauty".
0:22:46 > 0:22:48That means "Disaster".
0:22:50 > 0:22:52HE SIGHS
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I should have told her I loved her.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I had loads of opportunities, but I blew it.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08The last thing I ever said to her was... "Break a leg."
0:23:10 > 0:23:13The last word she might ever hear from me is "leg".
0:23:15 > 0:23:17It's better than "phlegm".
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Yeah.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24But what's worse is that I didn't say it to her, because I thought it would be bad luck.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- Bad luck?- Yeah.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30It's exactly the sort of thing you say to someone before they die, isn't it?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33And I thought if I said it, the gods might laugh at us.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Man of science, eh?
0:23:39 > 0:23:40But...
0:23:40 > 0:23:44I didn't say it and now she's dying anyway,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46so what's the point?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49You know what your mum said to me just before she went into surgery?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- It's OK, you don't have to... - She said, "If anything happens..."
0:23:53 > 0:23:57"tell Roly..."
0:23:57 > 0:23:59"I know."
0:24:01 > 0:24:03MONITOR BEEPS
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Cheers.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12I like you, Bruce. You're a good guy. You made Sam happy.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- Made?- Make. Make Sam happy. Don't know why I said that.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I just don't know what I'd do without her.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Veronica's great, but...
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Sam is...the mother of my child.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Oh, no. Yeah, obviously.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- Love of my life. - Well, love of...my life.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Oh, yeah. Obviously.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Oh, no.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Are you about to ugly cry?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39No!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41No. I'm a bloody rock.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43HE SOBS
0:24:55 > 0:24:58You know you could have just told me about the tattoo.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I wanted something for myself.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03You know, take control.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07And, plus, you're shit at keeping secrets.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Fair point.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Look, I'm sorry. I know you're going through a hard time at the moment.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17And I just let my feelings get away from me.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19It's OK.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22But if you're not OK, that's OK, too.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I'm not OK.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I'm really not OK.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- What are you doing?- Praying.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38You know... Just in case.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- KNOCK ON DOOR - Sorry, am I interrupting?- No.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Um... We were just...
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- Er, have you got any news?- Yes.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53She's in recovery and you can see her soon.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Hi, Anna.- Fuck off, James.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06There you go.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11If you're going to try one, I'd prefer it to be one of mine.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Maybe another time.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Yeah.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Melodie. Oh.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- Non capisco.- Sorry, I thought...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Never mind.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46How are you feeling?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Oh, like I've been felt up by Edward Scissorhands.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50You gave us quite a scare.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Mum...
0:26:52 > 0:26:53I love you.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I love you, too.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- BEN:- Are you hungry?- What do you think? I've been fasting for 18 hours.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02There's a vending machine. How about your favourite? Dairy Milk.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- Since when are they my favourite? - How about Maltesers? - Nah, not in the mood.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- Wotsits.- Only taste good when you're high.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- Crunchie!- Bingo.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Roly, what happened to your wrist?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Oh, he tried cutting himself...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Please tell me that's a stick-on.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19You're underage, how did you even...?
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- I got a fake- ID. You are in so much trouble, young man.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26And what was wrong with my whole name?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Are you joking? It's right on the bone.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30I passed out halfway through and they had to stop.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- That's why it's off-centre. - That'll drive you crazy for the rest of your life.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35I'll get it finished when Mum gets the all clear.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38No. No more tattoos. Was this your idea, Andy?
0:27:38 > 0:27:42I wish. This little scamp was irresponsible all by himself.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- Uncle Andy, you've had tattoos before...- Yeah.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46..does this look infected?
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Shit.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# Let's dance to Joy Division
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# And celebrate the irony
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# Everything is going wrong
0:27:54 > 0:27:55# But we're so happy
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# Let's dance to Joy Division
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# And raise our glass to the ceiling
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# Cos this could all go so wrong
0:28:01 > 0:28:03# But we're so happy
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# Yeah, we're so happy
0:28:06 > 0:28:08# So happy
0:28:08 > 0:28:10# Yeah, we're so happy
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# So happy
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# Yeah, we're so happy. #