0:00:02 > 0:00:05- 'Southbridge Comprehensive. How can I help?' - Hello. This is Herbert Jones,
0:00:05 > 0:00:07and I work for the Bone Marrow Registry
0:00:07 > 0:00:11of England and Wales.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13I am trying to get in contact with one of your former teachers,
0:00:13 > 0:00:17a Miss...Melodie Thomas.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20It seems that she may be a potential match for one of our patients.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23'Sorry, we can't give out any personal information.'
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Oh. Well, that's fine. I'm sure our patient will understand...
0:00:27 > 0:00:28when they're dead!
0:00:28 > 0:00:33This programme contains some strong language
0:00:33 > 0:00:35HE TAPS ON KEYBOARD
0:00:35 > 0:00:36What do you think would be
0:00:36 > 0:00:38a nice present for your mum
0:00:38 > 0:00:40when she finishes radiotherapy?
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Hello? Veronica just asked you a que... Would you mind not using that
0:00:44 > 0:00:45at the breakfast table?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Actually, I would. I've found an amazing deal for my Euro trip.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50And it's going to be gone in a couple of minutes unless we act now.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52What Euro trip?
0:00:52 > 0:00:53The one for my 16th birthday.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56I've found a package that takes me to Barcelona, Rome, Athens, Istanbul, Munich
0:00:56 > 0:00:59and Stockholm, home of the world's largest Ikea.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01And it's only £2,500.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- Can I use your credit card? I already know the number. - Definitely not.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06What 16-year-old goes alone on a trip round Europe?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Malala won a Nobel prize when she was 16.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11It was the Peace Prize. They give that to anyone.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14If you don't want me to go alone, I can always just ask Murray Thomas.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17His crippling sleep apnoea has nearly cleared up now.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19You get straight As in your GCSEs, then we'll talk.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20That's not fair.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I'm bored of formal education. I'm trying to enrich myself.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26If you feel that strongly about it, you're old enough to get a job and pay for the trip yourself.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29A job? You want ME to get a job?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Me? A rebel thinker?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Hands of a Victorian lady?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Do I look like I'm built for hard labour?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I'm not ordering you down the mines. What century are you living in?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Why don't you just... blog for money or something?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Ha! You think writing pays money?
0:01:43 > 0:01:44What century are YOU living in?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49How do you know my credit card number?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- Jesus, Andy! - What? You're just peeing.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55This had better be good. I was about to break my Wordament high score.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59I can't decide which guitar to use for the song that I'm writing.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Have you ever heard of Old Black?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Don't tell me that's what you call Bruce's penis.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04No, that's Will Smith II.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06No, I'm talking about Neil Young's guitar.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- What do you know about Neil Young's...?- The TV was stuck on BBC Four one night.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Neil's had Old Black for, like, 40 years,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13even though she weighs a ton and gives him back pain.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Now, why would Neil put up with that when he could buy any guitar in the world?
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Will Smith II? Seriously?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22It's because he's dedicated to her, for better or worse.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24That is why Neil's the kind of guy he is.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26He puts in the hours to make the relationship work.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Can you see me settling down and getting married?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32We learn how to form healthy relationships from our parents.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34That's a yes.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36You're screwed. Now, get out.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Hang on, are you hiding in here?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40No, I'm just enjoying my last moments of peace
0:02:40 > 0:02:42before Mum and Dad arrive from Spain tonight.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- What are you stressed about? They're not that bad. - Oh, really, says the golden child?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Meanwhile, I'm the one that has to smile while Mum criticises my hair
0:02:49 > 0:02:51and goes on about homoeopathic cures,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54and Dad boasts about his five seconds as a folk singer.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57And, yes, I've stocked up on booze, and, no, I haven't had any,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59and, no, I'm not going to tell you where it is.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- You're no fun.- I know, but someone's got to be the adult in this family.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03DOORBELL
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Oh! God, they're early! Get out.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Go. Shit.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Ah! Look who's here.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10It's my rock star.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Can you spare a kiss for your number-one fan?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Or you can sign my tits if you prefer.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Why do I have to choose?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19What do you think of my tan, eh?
0:03:19 > 0:03:20It's nice.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Full coverage.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Yeah. The neighbours enjoyed the full view, didn't they, Jane?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Look at that face.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29If I had a mug like that, I'd never leave the house.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I'd just stand naked in the mirror, loving myself all day.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Loving yourself has never really been your problem, has it, Neville?
0:03:36 > 0:03:37NEVILLE CHUCKLES
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Oh! And here's my cancer warrior.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Honk-honk! Hello, girls! They're looking perky.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Yeah, well, the radiation therapy can cause...
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Radiation! You only had stage two.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Why are you bothering with that rubbish?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51It'll just give you more cancer down the line.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- Says the woman who smokes unfiltered cigarettes. - I offset it with homoeopathy.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Speaking of, I've brought you some fluoride-of-lime tablets.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I promise, you don't need any more of this radioactive mess.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- It's just the medical industry trying to make money out of you. - Great(!)
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Now, what's going on with your roots?- So, you guys are early.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Your mother thought we should surprise you.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12So...
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Surprise!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15And Brian's been looking after us lovely.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17He pours a mean Baileys.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- Mum, it's Bruce. - Brian's cool, though.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22HIGH-PITCHED: "I'm not the Messiah. I've been a very naughty boy!"
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Monty Python.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Bruce, did you know that I once opened for Billy Bragg?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- Oh, hello there. - Someone call the police -
0:04:31 > 0:04:34there's an illegally handsome young man on the premises.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36And Errol!
0:04:36 > 0:04:37When did you get so big?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Oh, if I was 30 years younger...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Jesus, Mum, he's your grandson.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Oh, you're so uptight, Sammy. Now, let's have a look at this tattoo.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Don't worry, when you get a bit older
0:04:46 > 0:04:49you can change it to something cool. Like "samurai".
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Ooh, I bought you a pressie.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Thank you.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- I thought you were coming later. - We couldn't wait
0:04:57 > 0:04:59to give everyone the big news.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02We're getting divorced.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Could I get a top-up, Brian?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Divorced?!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Oh, do you know what this means?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Yeah - one of them's going to be sleeping in Tiff's room,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12one of them's going to be sleeping in my room.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I can't sleep in your Petri dish of a flat.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16No. If they're getting divorced,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18what chance do I have of being in a healthy relationship?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20They're literally my only role models.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Relax.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Divorce is a gift. Two parents fighting for attention,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27two bedrooms, two birthdays, two Christmases,
0:05:27 > 0:05:28twice the guilt.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I'm an expert on divorce. I can teach you to get whatever you want.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I want my mum and dad to stay married, and I'm going to keep them together,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37and if I can do that, then I can make any relationship work.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I'm sorry, sweetie. I remember when my folks split up.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Same week Ginger left the Spice Girls.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- Dark times. - I don't care about them divorcing.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- They should have done that years ago.- Then what is it?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I thought that being sick would change things with Mum.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52But Andy's always going to be the Jake to my Maggie.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- What?- Maggie Gyllenhaal.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57She's older and cooler but Jake gets all the attention because he's a boy.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58But she killed it in Secretary.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I know! Argh!
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Just forget it. I'm a therapist, I'm not going to fall into any old traps.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- That's my Sam.- But it's not fair!
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I'm the one with cancer! They should baby me at least a little bit.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12And that passive-aggressive shit with Mum calling you Brian!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- She never would have done that with Ben!- I know. Don't worry. I'll set her straight.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- Brian, where's the bottle opener? - Top drawer, next to the fridge.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26We should get a lock on the door. I can't have more idiots barging in and saying stupid shit.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I'm stopping Mum and Dad from getting a divorce! Who's with me?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I don't get it. What is the point in a divorce stag do?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Simple reverse psychology.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Once we remind Dad how shit it is being single, he'll run straight back to Mum.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45While you're throwing away the gift of a lifetime,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I'll be twisting Dad and Bruce to my will.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Go, divorce!
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Yeah, Dad, nothing says recently single like slippery wood and heavy balls.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Don't worry, old-timer! We'll get through this together.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58You don't have to cheer me up, son.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01We're NOT cheering you up.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03We're celebrating your new life.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Being single is my second-greatest achievement next to the time
0:07:06 > 0:07:10I came this close to touching a tit with my tongue.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Can I smell whisky? - Ben, get over here,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15you useless Tory twat!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I missed you, too, you big lefty drunk!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Hey, where's my hug, you...socialist alky?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Classic bants there, Bruce(!) The fun's already begun.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Mum who? Am I right?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Oh. Oooh. Get off.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- Get... Oh!- Psycho?
0:07:33 > 0:07:34No... Er...
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Ooh. Ooh. Naughty. Get away.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Fifty Shades Of Grey?
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Rarrrr!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- The Revenant?- Yes!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Ben's new wife's energetic.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Oh, we're not married, but we have been engaged for...almost two years.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48All right, Tiff, you're up next.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Who's Tiff?- Me. I'm Bruce's ex-stepdaughter.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- Who's Bruce? - BRIAN'S ex-stepdaughter.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Oh, well, why didn't you say so?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- What time does the stripper get here?- I keep saying, there is no stripper.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Andy would have got me a stripper.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Well, Andy's not here, and tonight is about sisterhood.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04We don't need a man to validate us.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07We are celebrating singledom and girl power.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Who needs men, right?
0:08:08 > 0:08:12This soon-to-be divorcee who hasn't been on the market for 39 years, that's who.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Come on, Jane, you just need some charades in your life.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I'll give it a pass, thanks.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Sounds like somebody's afraid of losing.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21I love losing.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22I lost my virginity twice.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- Once in the V-hole and once in the A...- Another drink coming right up.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I got it. A-hole.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31You're going to love being single.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Goodbye, putting down the toilet seat.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Goodbye, sharing the bed. Hello, online dating.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38We're going to have you swiping right
0:08:38 > 0:08:41faster than you can say, "Meaningless shag for one, please."
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Nothing beats the thrill of playing Russian roulette with your penis.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48You know, the over-50s have the fastest-growing rate of STDs.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Interesting.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Actually, Jane never took up much room in bed.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55And with my knees, I prefer to piss sitting down.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57And I was never one for meaningless sex.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I guess I'm just a bit old-fashioned.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Divorce is bad, but online dating's the worst.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- What happened, anyway?- We just...
0:09:06 > 0:09:07..grew apart.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Is it too late to fix it? - Why would he want to fix it?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12You're taking this much better than I thought.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Your mum had this mad idea you'd have a meltdown and make it about you.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18BOTH LAUGH
0:09:18 > 0:09:19I just want to see my old man happy.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24And once you get over the soul-crushing loneliness of bachelorhood,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26it's all guns and roses.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29You're now free to go wherever you like. Unlike me.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Dad thinks I'm too young to see Europe.- I didn't say that.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34That's a bit harsh. I wish I'd travelled more when I was young.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I used to get nosebleeds just going north of Waterloo.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39See? Bruce gets it.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Anyway, back to Dad's great new life... We can go out on double dates.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Father and son on the pull.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48If that doesn't get you running back to Jane, I don't know what will.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Hmm.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51SHE EXHALES
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Penny for your thoughts?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Oh, why can't she just be a normal mother?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I know exactly what you mean.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00For my 18th birthday, Mummy bought me a Porsche
0:10:00 > 0:10:02when all I wanted was a Range Rover.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- I never should have agreed to this.- Agreed to what?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Andy wanted me to throw Mum a divorce hen do but make it extra boring
0:10:08 > 0:10:10so she'd go running back to Dad, which is the dumbest idea ever,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12but I thought it would be a chance for us to bond.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13It's fine. I'm a therapist.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17I know that looking to other people for self-worth is a losing battle.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Wait, did you invite me because I'm boring?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21No.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22SHE EXHALES
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Look, if you want to show Andy who's boss,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28you should give her exactly what she wants.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31If she wants men, make it rain men.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Hello, boys!- Val!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Andy's warned me who everyone is. Roly I know.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40You must be Ben, the prick ex-brother-in-law.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Andy's only calling me a prick?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Someone's losing their edge.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47And you must be sweet, gullible Bruce.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I can't believe you said I was gullible.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- He didn't. - I see what you did there.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54And who's this big old grizzly bear?
0:10:54 > 0:10:55I'm Neville, Andy's dad.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58He failed to mention you, my dear.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Some things speak for themselves.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03I'm Val. Your son dated my daughter for a brief, horrific time.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Hey, it wasn't brief. - That's not what she said.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07- Errol!- Nice one.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Dad, Val here is divorced.- Oh.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13There's nobody better to tell you
0:11:13 > 0:11:15about the long painful road...
0:11:15 > 0:11:17back to happiness.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"Don't listen to your children" is rule number one.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- Nice ball bag. - Takes one to know one.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- PULSATING MUSIC - You wanted men... Voila.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Is it OK us being here? My best friend Craig
0:11:32 > 0:11:35says it's quite annoying when hen dos rock up at gay clubs.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Yeah, it's like I said I was hungry and you brought me waxed fruit.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Oh, my God, Sam.- Gwen, hi.- Hi.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45This is Veronica, Tiffany and my mum, Jane.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Holy shit. You're Andy's mum. I always thought he was an orphan.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Why would you think that?- He never spoke about his parents.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Anyway, welcome to Sober Saturday.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55- Sober Saturday? - A once-a-year event.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57All money goes to AA,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59and Casper makes a mean Virgin Mary.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Yum!
0:12:01 > 0:12:02So, Andy never mentioned our parents?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Actually, I'm getting a headache. Maybe we should go?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- Oh, no, no, no, stay, please. - Yeah, let's stay.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Gwen can tell us all her best Andy stories.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12That shouldn't take long.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Who is ready to see what a real strike looks like?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Well, you've already shown us a knockout.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Dad...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24..you realise Val's a man?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Expand your mind, son.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Val is a sexual being.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I don't care which side of the pommel horse they land on
0:12:32 > 0:12:35as long as somebody's getting pommelled.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39It's my round. Come and help, Roly.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40A trip to the bar.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43It's no trip around Europe, but it's a start.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46You're on a streak tonight, Roly.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- What are you playing at? - Er, it's called bowling.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52I'm talking about Roly's trip.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- Keep...out.- Why?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Never hurts to broaden your horizons.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59You know, I was going to give him 500 for a new laptop,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02but if he wants to spend it on a trip, I'm cool with that.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I'm warning you, do not give him that money.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07It's my money. I can do what I like.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Bruce, I was starting to like you.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Shut the fuck up, Ben.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12What?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Big Lebowski.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17You know. "Shut the fuck up, Donny."
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I'm going to see if they need a hand at the bar.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Oh, oh, oh, strike!
0:13:22 > 0:13:25And that...is how it's done.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Stop flirting with my dad.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I brought you here so you could show him how shit divorce is,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34not slink around like Jessica Rabbit.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Trust me, if I was flirting you'd know about it.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Oh, and FYI, I'm more of a Cruella de Vil kind of girl.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Just leave him alone. I'm trying to save my parents' marriage.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Oh, I get it.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It's the guy in heels who's always the home-wrecker.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Look, that's not what... - If you want to see flirting,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I'll show you flirting.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Who wants a Slippery Nipple?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56I've got two right here.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57GWEN: 'Anyway,'
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Andy starts texting, begging me for a date.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03I say no, until eventually he sends me pictures of...
0:14:03 > 0:14:07his pejazzled dong spelling, "You likey?"
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I wasn't impressed. But I was horny.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13And the rest, as they say, is internet history.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- What's "pejazzled"?- It's where you diamante your d...
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Did you hear that, Mum? Sounds like your precious Andy is a little bit of a sex pest.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Andy's just artistic. Lord knows he didn't get it from me.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Creativity skips the women in this family.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Wow, Ben just took me to a Yo! Sushi for our first date.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Really? He took Sam to a concert in Paris on theirs.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Oh, yeah, but it was Muse, so it doesn't count.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Wonder what the boys are up to.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I bet Andy's teaching them some hilarious drinking games.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- Mum, you do know that Andy is sober now?- Aww. That's so brave of him.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43You never said it was brave when I went clean.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Cos you take after my side and the Abbotts never stay clean long.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I mean, look at your Uncle Frank, God rest his rotten soul.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52There's no shame, but you mark my words, you're not done.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Caught her snorting sherbet when she was five.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Ooh, off to powder her nose!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I need to get Val out of here.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04He's putting such a smile on Grandad's face.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07It's not his face I'm worried about. Also, stop messing your dad and Bruce about.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10You're jealous that I know how to play the divorce game.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Behold the puppet master. I am Geppetto.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Trust me, you're Pinocchio all day.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Now, help me get rid of Val or I'm telling your dad and Bruce.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Like they'd ever believe you.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Wait, wait, wait, wait. I have a cunning plan.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Sam, are you all right?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just all the cologne making my eyes water.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Bloody Jean Paul Gaultier.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Come here.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Everybody out!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Seriously, what's up?- Oh, it's just...my mother is a monster!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- What's going on? - Sam wants to kill her mum.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45She thinks that Andy's the best thing since boxed wine.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I know the feeling. The only reason Dad put me in charge tonight
0:15:48 > 0:15:50is cos it's Sober Saturday and he knew it would be dead.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Mummy made me ride a pony until I was 16,
0:15:52 > 0:15:54even though I was clearly ready for a full-size horse at 12.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56PHONE BUZZES
0:15:59 > 0:16:00What do you want?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Who says I want anything?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Can't a guy just call his favourite gal pal?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- I'm hanging up now.- 'No, wait.'
0:16:06 > 0:16:07I need a favour.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09'Can you call Val and say there's a problem'
0:16:09 > 0:16:11down the club and he needs to come back immediately?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14On the first night my dad's ever left me fully in charge
0:16:14 > 0:16:16'you want me to tell him I can't take the heat'
0:16:16 > 0:16:19just so I can help YOU get out of a stupid situation you got yourself into?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- I knew you'd understand. - 'I'll do it,'
0:16:21 > 0:16:24if you tell your mum she needs to treat Sam better
0:16:24 > 0:16:25and that you're a shit son.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Fine.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Wait, how do you know I've got a mum?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- PRETENDING TO SNEEZE:- Wanker!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33NEVILLE CHUCKLES
0:16:33 > 0:16:37You're just in time to see me pound the pins.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I'll give you a hand with your stroke.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42Come here.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Sorry, mate. Hope my sneeze didn't throw you off.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47No worries.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Hey, Roly, I'm going to pay for your trip. The whole shebang.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Really?- No. No.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I'll... I'll pay for it.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I have an idea. Roly, why don't you pick who YOU want to pay for it?
0:17:00 > 0:17:01- PHONE RINGS - Oh. Hello.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- Well, this shouldn't be a contest(!) - Roly?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Oh, it's my go.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there. Got to go, guys. Security issue at Cox.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11That's a shame(!)
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- We could come with you. - I'm sure Val probably needs to deal with this alone.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18I'm with Grandad. It wouldn't be a proper divorce stag do if we all split up, would it?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Just let her know how you feel. - Yeah, we've got your back, Sam.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25All right, here goes nothing.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Oh, hell, no!
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Oh, hey, babe.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Look, I've found the only straight one. I'm giving him a little reiki.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35You get your hands off my boyfriend!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Calm down, babe. I'm just being friendly for tips.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I bet your tip's plenty friendly.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Babe, she's Andy's mum!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Urgh, what?! Urgh!
0:17:43 > 0:17:44I thought Andy was an orphan.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Why do people keep saying that?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Mum, there's something I need to say.- VAL:- What's going on?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Oh, yeah, ooh...Andy made me lie to get you here.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Now I've done my part of the deal, I think he has something to say to you, Jane.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57ANDY: Er... The...
0:17:57 > 0:18:00The thing that I wanted to say...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02is that...um...Errol has been playing
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Bruce and Ben off like mugs to get them to pay for his Euro trip.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06N-No...
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- No. Does...does that sound like me?- Pretty much, yeah.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Well, Mum and Andy are doing the world's shittest Parent Trap.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- Liar!- Bruce, I told you not to get involved.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16He's not your kid.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Ben, we're all co-parenting here.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21And why didn't you take ME to Paris on our first date?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Have you got cold feet?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25What?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Can we...talk about this later?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29I can't believe you're Andy's mum. I always thought he was a...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32If you say "orphan" I swear I'll shank you, lady.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- Don't you talk to Val like that, or...- Or what?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36You haven't got the guts to follow through.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38You know who's got a lovely follow-through? Roger Federer.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40How's this for follow-through?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Oh, yeah?
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Argh! Can everyone just stop before my eyes start bleeding?!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51After all I did for you...
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Gave you 39 years, got you off the street,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56gave up my singing career for you, and now you're leaving me?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Career?!
0:18:57 > 0:19:01You've played to picket lines and working men's clubs for pork scratchings.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03You were never a real folk singer,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05you...disco lover!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I gave up my childhood to be your wife.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11So it was my fault I was the only guy on the estate stand-up enough to marry
0:19:11 > 0:19:13the pregnant teenager?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Didn't even know if it was mine. Still don't!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19And by "it", do you mean me?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Let's face it, you hardly look like your brother,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23and you don't look a thing like me.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Sam, it's not true. We've got the same eyes and...
0:19:27 > 0:19:28..roots.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33So that's why you treat me like shit? Because I'm the mistake? Me?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Do you think it was easy growing up with parents like you?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Always screaming and drinking
0:19:38 > 0:19:43and dumping us on mental relatives and leaving us alone for days?
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Can you blame me?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47You were like raising that girl from The Exorcist.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50You make Cersei Lannister look like Mary Berry!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53It's a miracle that I've done anything with my life.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57OK, I had a little addiction problem back there, but look at my role models.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59But still, I had a son,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I got my master's,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I am fighting cancer, and I nearly
0:20:03 > 0:20:08died on an operating table, but you still favour Andy!
0:20:08 > 0:20:09The single...
0:20:09 > 0:20:1430-something musician who lives in my fucking basement!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Garden flat.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18You've always treated me like the fuck-up,
0:20:18 > 0:20:21but it's him, Mum, it's always been him. He's just like you.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Oh... Shit!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- BRUCE:- Sam...
0:20:26 > 0:20:27I think we should go home.
0:20:27 > 0:20:33- You stay out of this, Brian.- It's Bruce, Mum! It's fucking Bruce!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36And I'm Maggie Gyllenhaal!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38And you don't deserve Maggie.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40So you get Jake.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Right... How about a round of shots on the house?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- But it's Sober Saturday.- We've had a report of an incident.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Finally! Something that can get my mind off this palaver.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Let's see what you're working with, hot stuff.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59DOOR CLANGS KEYS JANGLE
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Can you give us a minute?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15DOOR SLAMS
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Mum, there's some things...some things that I said, I didn't mean...
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Don't worry.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Already forgotten.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Mum.- I mean it. I'm fine.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32You've got a mouth on you.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34You get it from me.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36There's that look.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- What look?- You know.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41The look that sees right through me.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44You're right. I'm a shit mum.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51I was a child when I had you and I...I never caught up.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53And you had much higher parenting expectations than Andy.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57I only shower him with attention cos he always acts so helpless.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58He's like a rescue dog.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Happy to be fed and have his balls within reach.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07I'd like to say I can change, but I don't think I can.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08I don't have your strength.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13I'm not expecting you to change. I just... I just want to know that you care.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15You think I don't care about your cancer?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Your dad will tell you, it's destroying me.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I'm the one who should be sick.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Jesus, I smoke while I'm on the sunbed!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I'm proud of you.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29I love you to death.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Maybe not the best choice of words for a cancer patient.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38But thanks.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45So...who is my father?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47It's Neville.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Probably.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Well, I hope it is.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Cos the other options ain't good.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Dad, Bruce, I'm...
0:22:57 > 0:22:59sorry for the way I behaved.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02After the divorce, I realised everyone just wanted to keep me happy,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05so I took advantage of that.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08And now I'm ready for my punishment.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10What do you think, Bruce?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Oh, you could clean Andy's flat.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Ha-ha, funny one, Veronica! - Actually, that's a great idea.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19No. Please. Anything but that.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Dad, does that sound fair to you?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I'm doing it again, aren't I?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Sorry I kissed you, Val.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32It's OK. It was worth it just for the look on Andy's face.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34But if you ever try that again without my consent,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38I will cut your prostate out with a rusty tin lid.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40You get sexier by the minute.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47How am I ever supposed to make a relationship work
0:23:47 > 0:23:49if I can't even keep my own family together?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Oh, shut up.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- Why are you smiling? - Every time you tell me to shut up
0:23:54 > 0:23:58it means you're just about to lay down some serious wisdom on me and fix everything.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I'm not your fairy godmother, Andy.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02You're a big boy.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Fix your own life.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Fix my own life?
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Yeah.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Nice one, Val.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20FOOTSTEPS
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Andy, I am so sorry. I didn't mean those...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29horrible things I said.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Of course you did. I don't blame you.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I was just angry with Mum and it spilled over.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Maggie Gyllenhaal is consistent, but who am I kidding?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41She's never done anything as good as Nightcrawler.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43On the other hand...
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Maggie doesn't need to apologise for Prince Of Persia.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Or Bubble Boy.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Still, I think I am going to ask Dad to take a paternity test with me,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55you know, just so we know...
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Shut up! All right? You're not doing it.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58It doesn't matter what the test says.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01You're my sister, he's your father. You don't need a test to prove...
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I love you, Jake.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Right back at you, Maggie.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Isn't it weird, you and Dad travelling back together after everything?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16No. It'll be months before we can move out.
0:25:16 > 0:25:2039 years' worth of CDs and sex toys won't separate themselves.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Who knows? A lot can happen in that time.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28One thing's for sure - this family can take a bigger pounding than a rhino vag.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Here you go. Don't tell your sister.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Mum, I'm not a boy any more.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34You know, when I watch milf porn, it's not a fetish,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36it's just age-appropriate.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40And as much as I love all the special attention, I am a bad son.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46I never call, I never send birthday cards. Sam's the good one.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Whoa!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I'll forgive you just this once.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54But...I think that you should stop taking it easy on me.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57The reason I give up on relationships is because you and Dad...
0:25:57 > 0:25:59you never made me work for anything.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01I want you to tell it like it is.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02OK.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05You're talented, but your music's soft.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07You need to start dyeing your hair, cos you're going grey.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10And stop blaming other people for your problems...
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Mum, got it! Save some for later!
0:26:22 > 0:26:24You know, when I found out your mum was pregnant,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I didn't want to run away like my father did.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29And I could see she didn't have any decent men in her life, so...
0:26:31 > 0:26:32..I stayed.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34But then you were born.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37And I saw you there, all pink and smiling.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42That wisp of hair like duckling fluff on the top of your head.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44And I fell in love.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46With both of you.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50You know, you'll always be my special girl.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53I love you, Dad.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55I love you, too, sweetie.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I'm a bit old for pocket money.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Your mum wanted me to give you this to get your roots done.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- Oh!- Take it,
0:27:04 > 0:27:05or I'll never hear the end of it.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Bye, handsome. And if you ever need money,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- you call your Grandma Jane. - Thank you.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15But I'm going to start to trying to earn things on my own from now.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18And if that doesn't work out, I'll just start a crowdfunding page.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20You take care of my baby, Bruce.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21I promise I will...Jenny.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22It's Jane!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I know.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32I'm a quick learner,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I'm an excellent problem-solver
0:27:34 > 0:27:37and quite the people person.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39But most importantly, I'm a very good liar.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44You're hired.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Welcome to Carpet Brothers.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46ANDY: 'Ladies...'
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I've had a lot of fun with all of you.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51But I need to pick just one of you.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55And there's only one way to make such an important decision.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Catch a tiger by the toe
0:28:00 > 0:28:03If it hollers, let it go
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Eeny, meeny, miny... DOORBELL
0:28:07 > 0:28:09..moe.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12# Throw me
0:28:12 > 0:28:15# No more bones and I will tell you no lies
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# This time
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# You know I'll leave
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Here's to taking what you came for
0:28:22 > 0:28:25# And here's to running off the pain
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# And here's to just another no man
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# If you want another
0:28:29 > 0:28:30# Say you need another... #