0:00:02 > 0:00:04- Eeny, meeny, miny... - DOORBELL RINGS
0:00:04 > 0:00:05..moe.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Mel. Odie. Melodie.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Hi, Andy.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15- Melodie's in my flat.- What the hell are you doing up here?
0:00:15 > 0:00:17I don't know what to say to her.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19- Apologise to her for your wrongs. - Yeah, but...
0:00:19 > 0:00:21- that's not cool. - Whatever you decide,
0:00:21 > 0:00:24can you do it in your own time? I've got to catch up with my homework.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Homework? It's summer!
0:00:25 > 0:00:27I'm taking a fantasy writing class.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29- Nerd.- I'm not taking it for pleasure. I'm taking it
0:00:29 > 0:00:32cos you tell me that everything I write is very literal.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34- Nerd.- At least I'd know what to say to Melodie.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Melodie!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37DOOR BANGS
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I ran out of fresh towels.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Would you like a drink?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45- No, thanks.- It's just as well.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I've given up drinking.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48You've given up drinking?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Yeah. No social lubricant.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57So, how did you find my new digs?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Gwen Pearson and Shelley Asher.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03We're in a secret Facebook group.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06You're in a secret Facebook group with two of my exes?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Yep.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Nice garden flat, by the way.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Thanks.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I just bought my mum this exact same rug.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- Carpet Brothers? - Yes. Oh, good spot.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18I wrote the jingle for them.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20"The selection's tops and the deals don't stop.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22"Shagpiles for miles, we've got the lot."
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Haven't heard of it. Are these for your next jingle?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I'm writing a song for a boyband.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29You? A boyband?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I've had to commune with my inner teen girl.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- My boss is a bit of an ogre, though. - Sounds scary.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I'm sorry about saying "lubricant" earlier.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40It must have just...slipped out.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46So why are you darkening my doorstep?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I was in town for a couple of days.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Cool.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- It's nice to see you, Andy. - You, too.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Wait, I'm... I lied.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- It's not nice to see me? - No...yes, it is.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I mean...
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I've been in London for two months,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- getting my visa renewed. - I've got to tell you,
0:02:04 > 0:02:08if it's taking you that long, you should probably consider Mastercard.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11And now that you've got your visa?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Heading back to New York.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Are you still... doing all that book stuff?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17I'm an assistant editor.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Young-adult fiction.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Mostly contemporary coming-of-age stuff,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25LGBT issues, eating disorders...
0:02:25 > 0:02:26- You know lots about that.- Yeah.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Cos you've got an eating disorder. - Yes, yeah.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Look, Melodie...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Andy, I need to say...- Sorry. Assistant editors first.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38You know when you want to pick something up where you've left off,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40but...
0:02:40 > 0:02:44you've waited so long that you don't know how to begin again?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47If this is about my competitive street-dancing career,
0:02:47 > 0:02:48I've hung up my kicks for good.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Andy, will you be serious for one minute?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Sorry. My therapist says it's a deflection technique.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55You're seeing a therapist? That's great.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I mean, it's my sister. But she gives me family rates.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- That was another joke, I'm sorry. - SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:03:00 > 0:03:02(You don't know how good it is to see you.)
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Yeah?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Then why didn't you return my phone?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07You knew I had it this whole time?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Well, not until Gwen and Shelley confirmed your address.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Wha...?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22The cabbie returned it to me like that.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Look, I'll make it up to you.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Andy! Are you crazy?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Duh! Obviously! I mean, that's sort of my thing.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I was too embarrassed to return it to you because then you'd know that
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I knew that you were back in town.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39You clearly didn't want to see me, otherwise you'd have got in contact.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42That's not what happened. I thought about getting in contact every day,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45but...my life's complicated.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46The guy on the phone...
0:03:46 > 0:03:48He's my editor. And a friend.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52We tried to be something more, but...
0:03:52 > 0:03:53But?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56He knows I'm in love with someone else.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Are you saying what I think you're saying?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01You haven't spoken to me in over a year!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03You haven't spoken to me either.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I needed you to make the next move, Andy. It couldn't have been me.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Oh, God, forget it. I shouldn't have come.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09It was selfish.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I just needed to see how this was going to play out,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15but it was a fantasy, it's just a childish dream.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I was coming for you, that day you left.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I was on my way and...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22something happened...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25..and I froze.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I'm done chasing you.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I'm done dreaming about you.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Do you want to be with me, the real me, or not?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Not?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I've never heard of her.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Melodie, wait.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Can't you sleep?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Are you feeling stressed?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Feeling inspired, actually.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Feeding the ogre.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Well, don't let me disturb you.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Don't go!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10You're my muse.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11So...
0:05:11 > 0:05:16in your fantasy, what happens now?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19We could go for the record, if that's what you want.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20No!
0:05:20 > 0:05:21I meant...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24what happens to us,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27tomorrow and...and the day after that?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31We should start with a nice breakfast. Fair warning, though -
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I am a shit cook.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39Well, the cafe next to my Airbnb makes a delicious breakfast.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Hmm.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- And then?- Then...
0:05:42 > 0:05:45we could go to the zoo.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47How did you know I loved animals?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Well, I knew that you fancied bears.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Shut up!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53And then?
0:05:53 > 0:05:57And then...we could take a trip somewhere tropical
0:05:57 > 0:06:00and master the art of hammock sex.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02And then?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07And then we would come back to London
0:06:07 > 0:06:10and we could spend the rest of our lives together.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15That sounds like a dream.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18What about your job? And New York?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21We'll work it out.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I love you, princess.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32MUSIC: Downtown by Petula Clark
0:06:36 > 0:06:38# When you're alone and life is... #
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Morning, princess.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44How did you sleep?
0:06:44 > 0:06:48I am starving, like Marvin Berry.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53# ..Downtown
0:06:53 > 0:06:55# The lights are much brighter there... #
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Oh, no.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - # ..Forget all your troubles
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- # Forget all your cares so go... # - Fuck!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05"..He said. Hadn't their sexy times clinched the deal?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"Perhaps he'd said something wrong.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09"Perhaps he snored too loudly.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11"Perhaps he lacked the introspection to know.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14"Perhaps he didn't listen to his genius nephew enough."
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Errol.- "Perhaps he didn't..."
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Errol! You do understand this is a fantasy writing class?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21There are many fantastical elements to this story
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- that even I find hard to believe. - Be that as it may,
0:07:24 > 0:07:28when we say "fantasy", we mean the genre fantasy - witches,
0:07:28 > 0:07:29dragons, magic, mythology.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Surely we're all bored of the whole Game Of Thrones aesthetic.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34- ALL:- No. - It's just, at the moment,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37your writing is a little bit too literal.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39For example, one of your minor characters is named Errol...
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Minor?! No, he's more of a co-lead.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Do you feel you have the ability to tell the same story,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47but change the genre?
0:07:47 > 0:07:51You see, Errol, I don't normally allow people your age into my class,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53but you seemed mature beyond your years.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- Was I mistaken?- You want mature?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I read the Guardian and the Daily Mail, just for balance.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Well, then. Surprise me.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Ye Olden Times.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11'It's the Renaissance,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14'plus the Medieval period, with a splash of the Dark Ages.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17'In a quaint country inn, the stable master was enjoying
0:08:17 > 0:08:20'a fibre-rich breakfast when his quietude was interrupted
0:08:20 > 0:08:22'by the idiot stableboy who lived in the cellar.'
0:08:22 > 0:08:25The Princess Melodie was in my bedchamber last night!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27'Said the lowly stableboy.'
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Did you fall into the vat of mead again?
0:08:29 > 0:08:30I haven't touched a drop in months.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32The princess did sleep in my bed.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Innkeeper, you believe me!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Forsooth, I believe there were a maid in your bed,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39but if she spent the night, 'tweren't no princess.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45I speak truth! She hath fled and left only this note.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Stableboy, how are we meant to believe you
0:08:47 > 0:08:49when you tell such fantastical lies all the time?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52'This was the innkeeper's wife, who was in fact a man.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56- 'Take that, sexists.' - When have I ever lied?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58What about the time you said a dragon ate your goat?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59You don't even have a goat.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Because a dragon ate it! - Or when you said
0:09:01 > 0:09:04a water nymph cursed you with incurable allure.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Hello! Have you seen me?- Or that time you said an ogre forced you
0:09:07 > 0:09:09to pay him in songs to keep him from eating you.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- That IS true.- It's only because you're simple and my blood
0:09:11 > 0:09:13that I let you abide here. You don't pay rent
0:09:13 > 0:09:15and you're the worst stableboy in Christendom.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20- I am a balladeer at heart. - Wait. He speaks the truth.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Every word is correctly spelt.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24No halfwit stableboy could have written this.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Thanks. But she's fled, and I know not why.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29- Was it the sex?- Maybe because you're soft in the head
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- and live in a cellar?- It's a garden abode! And she knew all that.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35And now I must find her and profess my true love.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Can't you just ring her mobile?
0:09:37 > 0:09:38I mean...
0:09:38 > 0:09:40send a messenger pigeon?
0:09:40 > 0:09:44My pigeon is no more. I stamped on it to death
0:09:44 > 0:09:45to...impress her.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Must you be such a dunce?
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Maybe I am a mirror
0:09:49 > 0:09:52and you are staring at your own dunce-y reflection.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- Shut up.- No, you shut up.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55- Shut up.- You shut up.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- Boys!- BOTH: Yes?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59You both shut up and muck out the stables. They're full of horseshit.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- But my quest!- But the horseshit.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- But true love!- But the shit.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05I'll do it later!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07But first, Stable Master,
0:10:07 > 0:10:11come with me to find the princess and make her my wife,
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- or die trying.- Hmm. I'll pass.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I have a folklore workshop anon,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17and I'm yet to be visited by my muse.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Maybe our adventure will inspire.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- Please. I need your IQ.- Ah, yes.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23My Impressive Questing.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26If it's enlightenment you seek, you should visit the Oracle.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Or the Wise Man.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Hmm.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Which is closer?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34'And so the quest began.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37'They bought supplies, which wasn't interesting, but realistic,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39'and then they went to consult...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41'the Oracle.'
0:10:41 > 0:10:43SPOOKY CHANTING
0:10:43 > 0:10:45What's all that moaning?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Is it...
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Is it sex noises?
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Oh, must you always?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54It's the Oracle...
0:10:54 > 0:10:57making sex noises.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59You should have heard the princess's sex noises last night.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Can we not?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03We can hear you!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06THEY SQUEAL AND HOWL
0:11:06 > 0:11:10ALL: We are the Oracle.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12But there's three of you.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Yeah, we're the three aspects, innit?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15The mother, the maiden and the crone.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17THEY HOWL AND SCREECH
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Wait, wait, wait, hold up.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Why do I always have to be the crone? You're the oldest!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I'm timeless. It's different.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Why does she get to be the maiden? I know for a fact
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- you ain't no maiden. - Neither are you!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Stop whingeing! We get it! You're both sluts.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32But someone had to be the crone.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35But I could be pretty. I've got good bone structure.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Bitches, be quiet.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39These idiot stableboys obviously have something they want to say.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I'm a stable master, actually.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Nobody cares.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45We hear you can guide our quest.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Yes, but first, you must answer a riddle.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I am light as a feather...
0:11:51 > 0:11:52But even a giant...
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Can't hold me.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56The giant's a woman. That's always the twist.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- Your breath.- I brushed my teeth.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- No, that's the answer. Breath. - I told you it was too easy.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- You pick the riddle next time! - Beckies, shush.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04What is your query?
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Do you know where I can find the Princess Melodie?
0:12:08 > 0:12:09- She make a runner?- Was it the sex?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- No! The sex was...- Please hold while we buffer your query.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14THEY HUM
0:12:14 > 0:12:18ALL: # Melodie
0:12:18 > 0:12:21# Oh, mmm... #
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Yeah, can we move this along?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- Yeah, we don't know where she is, mate.- Hang on!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I know you. Aren't you in a secret group with the princess?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31She told you about our "Andy's a dick" Facebook group?
0:12:31 > 0:12:32GIGGLING Very funny, Errol,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- but that detail might be a bit too anachronistic.- Fine.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37She told you about our "Stableboy is a horse's phallus" group
0:12:37 > 0:12:39on the Book of Faces?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Oh, I hate the Book of Faces.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44You've seen one woodcut of somebody's baby,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- you've seen them all!- Hang on. The entire purpose of this group
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- is to compare me to a horse's phallus?- Can I join?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53More importantly, can you use this group to find out where she is?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Let me think about that. No.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58This is all a joke to you, isn't it? But this is my actual life.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01It's not a game. My entire future happiness
0:13:01 > 0:13:02relies on me finding my princess.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04You, sexy mum, do you think
0:13:04 > 0:13:05you can help me find her?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Why is everyone always asking me for advice?
0:13:08 > 0:13:12- I've got my own problems. - Ask me! I'm smarter than I look.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- And sound.- I'm good.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Did she say anything about where she'd been recently?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Only that she'd bought a rug for her lady mother
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- from the Den of Carpets. - So, if they delivered the rug
0:13:22 > 0:13:24then they'd know where her lady mother abides,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26and thusly her lady mother
0:13:26 > 0:13:30might know where her daughter, the princess, is.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- I'm fucking good. - That was actually very useful.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Do you want to hear me play the mandolin?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36We're all right, thanks. Cheers.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40If all else fails, ask for the Wise Men!
0:13:40 > 0:13:46ALL: Men, men, men, men, men...
0:13:46 > 0:13:47BELL JINGLES
0:13:47 > 0:13:49MANDOLIN PLAYS
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Welcome to the Den of Carpets.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Are they magic carpets?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- Oh.- In a way.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02In the way that all carpets are magical
0:14:02 > 0:14:04because they give us so much beauty and comfort.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05THEY SIGH
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I know. Everyone's expecting magic carpets.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10It's actually been quite bad for business.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14- By the by, what are you looking for today?- We are on a quest.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I love a quest! What's it for? Like, a ring or a sword
0:14:17 > 0:14:18or an enchanted cherry Bakewell?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20True love.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Oh, bless. - It's the Princess Melodie.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25She professed her love...and then fled.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Oh, God. Was it that?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I heard tell that she stopped by
0:14:30 > 0:14:32to purchase a rug for her lady mother.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34'Tis, um, a secret.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37You wouldn't want me to divulge a secret, would you?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- Oh, go on. - No, I couldn't possibly.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- Yes, you could.- No, I couldn't.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45No, stop that! No, you're evil!
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Oh, you're ticklish!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I'm going to wee if you keep going!
0:14:49 > 0:14:52No... I'm gonna piss myself!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Fine. You tortured it out of me.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58My lady did purchase a rug. She had it delivered
0:14:58 > 0:15:00to a cottage in the village of Dumpton.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02But that's leagues away.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- We'll never make it. - Not the old-fashioned way.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- But using my magic... - Carpet?- Carpet?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10..cupboard, you'll be there in a jiff. It's just over here.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- If all else fails, just ask the Wise Man.- Cheers.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Sorry, Errol, but the tickling seems a little bit odd, even for me.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I liked it.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Sometimes the truest things are the least probable, Siobhan.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Fair enough. Anyone got any questions or comments?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Is there a happy ending?
0:15:25 > 0:15:26I'd like to keep this spoiler free for now, Doris.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Will there be any kissing? Maybe with some light choking?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- TBD.- I hope the stable master dies.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33He's not very sympathetic.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Life isn't very sympathetic, Jane.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Um, yes. You said there'd be ogres and elves and whatnot?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Patience, Dave.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42THEY GASP
0:15:42 > 0:15:43- It's this way.- How do you know?
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Because our screen direction's been left to right this entire quest.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Look! It's the lady mother's cottage.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59DOOR CREAKS
0:16:02 > 0:16:05You're...not the lady mother.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Close the door behind you, yeah?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Isn't that... - Princess Shelley? The Elf Queen?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Yeah.- Princess...Queen?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Don't think too hard on it. Stableboy, good to see you again.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17How do you know the Elf Queen?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- We used to date. It was quite serious.- It wasn't that serious.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21It was pretty serious.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Stableboy, I'm here to stop you from
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- making a horrible mistake.- What?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Following my heart? Believing in true love?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I thought my problem was being too cynical.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32No, you're a hopeless romantic. You have no follow-through.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36You love the idea of being in love, but you live in a fantasy.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Why must you only pursue true love after you've driven it away?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41All right, I self-sabotage. I don't know what real love feels like
0:16:41 > 0:16:45so I assume it's supposed to hurt. Now, will you help us, or not?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Who's Not?
0:16:46 > 0:16:47J/K!
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Look, I don't know where she is, but...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52dreams...
0:16:52 > 0:16:54can come true.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Look at me, babe. I'm with you.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58You know you've got to have hope.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- You know you've got to be strong. - That's it?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- That's rubbish.- It sounds much better when you sing it.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04BOTH: Huh.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Or seek the Wise Man. I don't care.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Now, fuck off. I need my beauty sleep.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Stableboy, I really hope you find your princess.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- Thanks, Stable Master. - But aren't you worried
0:17:19 > 0:17:22if you live happily ever after, it'll affect your balladeering?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Don't you write from a place of abject misery?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27HE ROARS, THEY SQUEAL
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- I'm an ogre! Feed me songs!- Oh, so you weren't lying about the ogre.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Why would I lie about that? - Because you lie a lot.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- You do! You lie a lot.- Fine. I'll work on it.- Good.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38But you won't get a chance if I kill you first.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Can we take a rain check? I'm on a quest.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Do you think I give a flying toss about your quest?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46You knew you promised me a song for today!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- A song, or death!- Er...
0:17:48 > 0:17:51# I'm too young to die Please don't eat me
0:17:51 > 0:17:53# I'm too young to die Please don't eat me... #
0:17:53 > 0:17:55That's a shit song!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I won't even kill you before I eat you, for that!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Wait! I have a song. A real song.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Of true love.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Go on, I'm listening.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- FULL ACCOMPANIMENT PLAYS - # Lost
0:18:07 > 0:18:10# In a land without love, hugs and hope
0:18:10 > 0:18:12# Set adrift
0:18:13 > 0:18:17# On a voyage without pants and socks and soap
0:18:17 > 0:18:21# As we quest through the sleet and the snow
0:18:21 > 0:18:24# And the hellfire burns below
0:18:24 > 0:18:26# Lost
0:18:26 > 0:18:28# Ah-ah
0:18:28 > 0:18:32# In a land without lo-ove
0:18:32 > 0:18:35# Monsters and demons erupting like semen
0:18:35 > 0:18:38# They snuck through the cracks in the nigh-i-ight
0:18:38 > 0:18:42# They smashed open the door and I've just rolled a four
0:18:42 > 0:18:45# Now they're coming to take you ali-i-ive
0:18:45 > 0:18:48# With my trusty companion we'll curse and we'll damn them
0:18:48 > 0:18:51# We're questing by land and by sea
0:18:51 > 0:18:55# Where she is, I can't tell But her face rings a bell
0:18:55 > 0:18:58# Yes, it's thee, my Melodie
0:18:58 > 0:19:02# Melodie, my Melodie
0:19:02 > 0:19:05# She was so in tune with me
0:19:05 > 0:19:09# Melodie, my Melodie
0:19:09 > 0:19:12# I feel her coming over me
0:19:12 > 0:19:15# My Melodie goes round and round My Melodie doth ring
0:19:15 > 0:19:18# My Melodie was on my lips My Melodie doth sing
0:19:18 > 0:19:21# My Melodie is soft and sweet My Melodie will do
0:19:21 > 0:19:26# My Melodie is fiddly My Melodie is true
0:19:26 > 0:19:28# She's my Melodie She's my Melodie
0:19:28 > 0:19:31# She's my Melodie
0:19:31 > 0:19:40# She's my Melodie My Melodie-ee-ee. #
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Hmm. The lyrics are shit, but the tune is passable.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Not good, but good enough not to eat you.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Today.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Until we meat again.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54M-E-A-T.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Get it?
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Yeah. We get it.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58It's a pun. "Meat" and "meet".
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Because I will... - Eat us, yes.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I know what you're thinking. You're thinking...
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Well, I'm not short for an ogre. We come in all shapes and sizes.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Thing to remember is, I am scary.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Raar! Songs!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15They keep telling us to seek the Wise Man. Maybe it's time we did.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18I'd love to, but I'm going to be late for my fantasy writing class.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19- Your what?- You heard me.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Folklore workshop. - Don't be a nerd.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I can't do this without you. I need you. You're my wingman.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I'm not. I'm your co-pilot, at the least.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- What's a co-pilot? - It's the other pilot of the plane.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I can't be explaining anachronisms to you. I'm going to be late.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Your schedule is more important than the love of my life?
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Your love life is perpetually broken,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37and making me late is not going to fix it.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Well, then, go! See if I care!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42All right, then, I will.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Good! I don't need your help anyway!
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Or anybody!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- That's all I've got. - No, but the story's not over yet!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54You can't just give up on the princess like that.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- What about true love?- Fine. I didn't finish the story.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00My uncle pulled me away in the morning and we searched all day
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- and then I had to come here.- Errol,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05when we say, "Write what you know," it doesn't just mean,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07"Write exactly what happened."
0:21:07 > 0:21:08I turned a gay strip club into a witches' cave.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- And the carpet store? - That was a carpet store.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13But there was no magic carpet.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16We had to take the Jubilee line out to her mum's house in Stanmore.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Ugh. That is really far. - She wasn't even home!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21The whole conversation with Shelley was just a role-play
0:21:21 > 0:21:22to keep us entertained for the way back.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25So now the real-life experience is over, where do we go from here?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- I don't know. - Does that scare you, not knowing?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I like structure. It's comforting.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Errol, there is no wrong answer.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Just use your imagination.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39The stableboy wandered alone in the wilderness.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45His beard began to grow very long and smelly,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48but he trimmed it conveniently before we next saw him.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52He searched high and low for the Wise Man.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54He put his life in great peril -
0:21:54 > 0:21:57well, a little bit of peril -
0:21:57 > 0:21:59until finally...
0:21:59 > 0:22:01he came across a temple...
0:22:01 > 0:22:03but it was shut.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05He banged and screamed to come inside.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Please!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09No word. It was warded with magic charms.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10All was lost.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Until finally, he mustered every last ounce of strength
0:22:14 > 0:22:16and barged the doors.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- You! You're the Wise Man!- Yes.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25It was me all along.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- Only I knew you wouldn't listen to me.- OK. Explain.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Oh, hello, Miss Thomas.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Oh, hi!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Errol. You know, you don't need to call me that.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40I'm not your teacher any more.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43I'm sorry, Miss Thomas. I mean, Melodie.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44So is Uncle Andy awake?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- Er...- Oh. I see.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50It's better this way.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- If you say so.- I think maybe you're too young to understand.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Stuff like this makes me not want to grow up.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Yeah. Hold on to that feeling.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Some day you'll miss it.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Tell Andy...I'm sorry.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Why didn't you tell me from the start?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16You had to go through the journey
0:23:16 > 0:23:18to be the man that would come out the other side.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- You were scared to tell me.- Yeah. You can't keep a relationship
0:23:21 > 0:23:23because you pull away when they get close
0:23:23 > 0:23:25and then you cling on when they want to leave.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- Managed to stay friends with you. - Bros before hos. That's different.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31It's not different, Dave. And they're sex workers, not hos.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32You're the idiot stableboy?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I went to a petting zoo once.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- I imagined someone younger. - More blond.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- I imagined myself! - You were pretty bang-on, then.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Roly, I do need your help.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I've hit a...bit of a dead end.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46We're still in class.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48That doesn't have to be a problem.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Well, she's closed down her Facebook.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- No new tweets in a week. - Her Insta was active yesterday.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Every morning, coffee and Danish from the same place.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57She mentioned a cafe by her Airbnb.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I know that cafe. One of my submissives works there.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- What's going on?- So if we check Airbnbs local to that cafe
0:24:02 > 0:24:05that have been booked for the last two months...
0:24:05 > 0:24:08And input the time and geo-stamps into this totally not
0:24:08 > 0:24:10stalking-related app that I've developed,
0:24:10 > 0:24:12we can pinpoint my lady's location.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Presto.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16That is incredibly helpful, Dave.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- Roly, I hope you're paying attention.- Good work.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Now go and finish that story.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23It was probably the sex.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27PHONE RINGS
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Hello?
0:24:29 > 0:24:30- 'Miss Thomas?'- Ooh.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- 'Er, Melodie.'- Er, Errol.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- How did you get...? - 'Your Airbnb landlord.'
0:24:36 > 0:24:38He's really gullible. Look out your window.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53# Melodie, girl, look what you've done
0:24:53 > 0:24:57# You stole my heart in front of everyone
0:24:57 > 0:25:00# And now you've packed your bags and you're on the run
0:25:00 > 0:25:04# Won't you stay and talk this over?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07# Melodie, my Melodie
0:25:07 > 0:25:10# I've written you a medley
0:25:10 > 0:25:13# Seven hours in heaven
0:25:13 > 0:25:16# Now it's all torn apart
0:25:16 > 0:25:20# Seven hours in heaven, darling
0:25:20 > 0:25:23# It was you from the start
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# I don't like you
0:25:26 > 0:25:29# I li-like you
0:25:29 > 0:25:33# My Melodie
0:25:33 > 0:25:37# Oh, I like you-ou-ou
0:25:37 > 0:25:40# I don't like you. #
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I like-like you.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46DOOR OPENS
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I suppose I owe you an explanation.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- If it's the sex... - No, it wasn't the sex.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58The sex was great.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I needed to test myself to see if I was ready.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I wasn't.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06If it's the commitment level, you know, too much,
0:26:06 > 0:26:07or not enough, then I'm a dial.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11You can turn the knob in any direction that suits you.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12That's not a dick joke.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Unless you...liked it.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16It's not the commitment level.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17It's the timing.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20It's me and you, now.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Andy.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I love you.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Don't panic - it's not a proposal, it's a promise,
0:26:28 > 0:26:32to be the kind of person that you want to wake up with.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I think I've finally got bored of fucking stuff up.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40It actually feels good to... care about other people.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44And, yes, I'm guilty of putting you on a pedestal, but...
0:26:46 > 0:26:51..I know now that you're not some perfect, unobtainable princess.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52You're...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54You're just like me.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56In fact, you might actually be crazier.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- Oh.- I want to see how all that crazy mixes.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02What do you say?
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Pause.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Pause?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08I'm going back to New York tomorrow.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10But I'll be in and out of our UK office.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12And, no, we're not going to date.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15We won't be friends with benefits.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I want to be real friends.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20And, yes, maybe occasionally we'll probably sleep together,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22when we fall off the wagon.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25And we're not going to lose touch like we did before.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Promise me.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30We both have to be good about it.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- OK. - And then maybe we'll get together.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37But maybe you'll find someone else who's perfect for you
0:27:37 > 0:27:39and I'll find another right person for me,
0:27:39 > 0:27:43and one of us has kids, or a dog and a budgie,
0:27:43 > 0:27:46and we grow old, and I get divorced,
0:27:46 > 0:27:47or your partner dies,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50and then, in the twilight of our years,
0:27:50 > 0:27:55when the buzzing has stopped in both of our hearts and our heads,
0:27:55 > 0:27:56then...
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Well, then it'll be our time.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02But what if my partner doesn't die?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04And you don't get divorced?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06And we miss our boat?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Then that'll be great too.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13A story doesn't just have to have one happy ending, Andy.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Like a Choose Your Own Adventure.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29How occasionally will we be falling off the wagon?
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Bad news?
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Just...news.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42I get why you didn't tell me you saw her leave now.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44I just didn't want to steal your hope.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48Can I finally challenge you to try a vindaloo?
0:28:48 > 0:28:49Yeah. I'm up for an adventure.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54The best adventures are yet to come.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55C-U-M. Get it?
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Yeah. I get it.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Yoo-hoo!
0:29:00 > 0:29:02I knew it!
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Suck it, dildos!