0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains very strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:10CHEERING
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Mr King?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16- Mr King, we're waiting for you. - RHYTHMIC CLAPPING
0:00:16 > 0:00:20- SLOW MOTION:- Mr King? Mr King?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Touche or not touche, that is the question.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Take that, you vegan wannabe!
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Take that, you Neil Diamond lover.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hey! Don't knock Jewish Elvis.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Just had my last radiation treatment, bitches!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38My tit cancer's been cured, or I'll turn into the Hulk,
0:00:38 > 0:00:39but either way, it's a win.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41- That's amazing news! - Ah! Careful!
0:00:41 > 0:00:42The girls are still tender!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Sorry. Sorry. We're going to celebrate hardcore, right?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47No. My follow-up mammogram's not for another six months,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49so I won't know if I've got the all clear until then.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50PHONE BUZZES
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Oh. Shit.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54It's OK, I know why I'm here.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Just fire me already, and get it over with.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Bear?
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Your new band name. Bear Maximum was giving me cock rot.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- I don't follow. - Explain it to him, Spock.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I think Marsh is trying to rebrand you as a performer,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12not just a composer/producer.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14I know I said I couldn't package you, but I had a bit of a rethink.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17I'll sign you as is - old-school songwriter.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19We'll wheel you out as a kind of Joe Cocker meets Elbow.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20That's right in the pocket!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Ever heard of Ezra + Riley? Duo on my label?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Total tossers, but they're getting quite big.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28First headliners coming up, six-month European tour.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29My opener's pulled.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Rehab. I've got your backing band all lined up.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33All expenses paid. Tour leaves in a week.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- What about my nephew? - I assume you'll want to bring him.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38He's your Ray Manzarek. Everybody loves a bit of keyboards.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41So you're asking me to be the opening act on a six-month
0:01:41 > 0:01:45European tour with my nephew, all expenses paid?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48This is your shot. Don't blow it.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50'I'm not stressing. I think it's great.'
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I just don't know how I'm going to persuade them
0:01:52 > 0:01:54to let me go, especially with GCSEs coming up.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Is that you that changed it from Dusky Butternut to Dusky Butt?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I learnt from the best.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Unacceptable.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Sorry, I'll change the label.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05No, that...punter perusing with his dumb, handsome face.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07We don't need that sort in here.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Look at him, with his chiselled features.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Who does he think he is, David Ginola?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Michelangelo called. He wants his sculpture back.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Probably one of them blokes who says that they love nipple clamps
0:02:17 > 0:02:19but when push comes to shove, he's like,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22"Ooh, no, I don't want to hurt you, Roopesh."
0:02:23 > 0:02:26# Please, please, please let Roly go
0:02:26 > 0:02:29# On tour with me and do a show
0:02:29 > 0:02:31# We'll make a handsome sum, for sure
0:02:31 > 0:02:34# If me and Roly go on tour
0:02:34 > 0:02:37# By day I'll make him learn and read
0:02:37 > 0:02:40# By night we'll make some earholes bleed
0:02:40 > 0:02:42# Paris, Stockholm, Lisbon, Rome
0:02:42 > 0:02:45# He'll keep in touch, I'll make him phone
0:02:45 > 0:02:48# Now it's time to sort this mess
0:02:48 > 0:02:50# So won't you kindly...
0:02:50 > 0:02:51# Please...
0:02:51 > 0:02:53# Say...
0:02:53 > 0:03:01BOTH: # Yes? #
0:03:01 > 0:03:02I can't believe they said no!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Do they know how long it took me to make those cards?
0:03:04 > 0:03:05I'm still high off Sharpie fumes.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I'll just phone Marsh in the morning and tell him it's off.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10You're giving up the biggest break of your life for me?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I can't believe it, either. But who are we kidding? I'm better off
0:03:13 > 0:03:16with you, and if I go it alone, I'll only end up making a tit of myself.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- But you love tits. - I know.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I guess this is what growing up feels like.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23SNORING
0:03:23 > 0:03:24ANDY GASPS
0:03:26 > 0:03:27How long have you been sitting there?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Not long. Just 20 minutes.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Listen, I've been thinking... - 20 minutes?!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- Go without me. - Am I dreaming?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36You've been given a chance you've always wanted,
0:03:36 > 0:03:37and now you're terrified to balls it up.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40What if all those hundreds of people who thought you didn't have
0:03:40 > 0:03:42what it takes were right? What if you ARE just a talentless hack?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Instead of putting it all on the line, you're going to retreat,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47because if you don't ever try,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49then at least you know that you won't ever fail.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Don't use me as an excuse. I'll be right here when the tour's over.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54And who knows, I might even have a girlfriend.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Now I KNOW I'm dreaming.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57It's not a dream, dummy!
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- So, are you going or not? - Yes. I'll go.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Good.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05MUSIC: Souvenir, by Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark
0:04:05 > 0:04:07So I figured it's going to take off, right?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Yeah. - That's going to...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Hi. The name's Andy, Andy King,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14but my friends call me Big Dick Legend With A Heart Of Gold.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Rich. Guitar.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Gareth. Drums.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22- So, when's the headline act getting here?- Oh, just over there.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Maybe one day we'll get a ride that doesn't smell like zombie come.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26The thing about zombie come is that
0:04:26 > 0:04:30it tastes a lot better than it smells.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Yeah, all right, mate.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Berlin, here we come!
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Not without me!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Oh, what in the name of holy fuck are you doing here?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Come to give me a goodbye kiss?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43No, dick features, I'm your bassist.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I don't think so. Marsh has taste. Why would he hire you?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Cos I done a few sessions for him, and he likes my work.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I'm not happy about this, either, but money's money.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Well, what do Gwen and Val think about this?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55That you're a prick. That you need me to keep an eye on you.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58But I'm warning you -
0:04:58 > 0:05:00this isn't going to end up with us being besties,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02sleeping on each other's shoulders,
0:05:02 > 0:05:07staying up all night watching Girls, whilst eating Nutella out of a pot.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Savvy?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I don't even like Nutella.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15HORN BLARES
0:05:20 > 0:05:21This is really weird.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24It's only been a day. I'm quite enjoying the lack of thumping music
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- coming from the basement. - Garden flat.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Plus, now Roly and I get to spend more time together.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31You guys should take a knitting class.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- That is a great idea, Tiff. - And we can go trainspotting.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Well, I should probably get to school. Knowledge is power.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Yeah, the power to make other people feel stupid.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40BRUCE LAUGHS
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Andy would've loved that one.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Six of one, half a dozen of the other,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48but I didn't understand that meant "the same"...
0:05:48 > 0:05:49LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:51PHONE CHIMES
0:06:10 > 0:06:14# No vital signs, no BPM
0:06:14 > 0:06:16# Our relationship flatlined right then
0:06:17 > 0:06:21# There was nothing left to do but pray
0:06:21 > 0:06:23# Like the last time you walked out
0:06:23 > 0:06:25DRUMS CRASH
0:06:25 > 0:06:27# No survivors
0:06:27 > 0:06:30DRUMS CRASH # No survivors
0:06:32 > 0:06:33# No... #
0:06:33 > 0:06:34I mean... I mean... Erm...
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Er, I think you're coming in a bit strong.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Maybe you're coming in a bit weak.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Am I rushing or dragging? ANDY CHUCKLES
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Oh, forget it. Let's go again.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50# No vital signs, no BPM
0:06:50 > 0:06:53# Our relationship flatlined right then
0:06:53 > 0:06:57# There was nothing left to do but pray
0:06:57 > 0:07:00# Like the last time you walked out
0:07:00 > 0:07:04# No survivors
0:07:04 > 0:07:06# No survivors
0:07:06 > 0:07:08GUITAR OUT OF TUNE
0:07:08 > 0:07:10# No survivors... #
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- How do you think it sounds? - Honestly?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Like cats puking.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Well, can you tell your new girlfriends to step in line?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I can't take your side in front of them. They'll never respect me.
0:07:22 > 0:07:27- Says the guy wearing the beanie. - Hey! Don't diss the beans.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28RINGING TONE
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- Miss me already? - You wish.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Are you at school? - Just getting out of chemistry.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Why do chemists love nitrates so much?- Why?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37They're cheaper than day rates.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Listen, when we're rehearsing a song and we disagree on something,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- how do we resolve it? - Is it Casper? Bloody bassists!
0:07:44 > 0:07:45I wish it was just Casper.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47OK, well, here's what you do. You've got to tell them,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"Listen here, you wastes of carbon.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51"I haven't spent two decades crawling out of music's..."
0:07:51 > 0:07:54..shitter to let you fanny-come-latelys
0:07:54 > 0:07:56tell me how to play my music!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59So if you've got a problem with that, why don't you fuck off
0:07:59 > 0:08:01back to the prick holes that you dribbled out of?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05And don't let the door hit you where Phil Collins shit you!
0:08:11 > 0:08:15# No vital signs, no BPM
0:08:15 > 0:08:19# Our relationship flatlined back then
0:08:19 > 0:08:22# There was nothing left to do but pray
0:08:22 > 0:08:26# Like the last time you walked out
0:08:26 > 0:08:29# No survivors
0:08:29 > 0:08:33# No survivors
0:08:33 > 0:08:36# No survivors... #
0:08:42 > 0:08:47MUSIC: Waterfall, by The Stone Roses
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Goodnight, Prague!
0:08:52 > 0:08:53You've been great, Oslo!
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Goodnight, Stockholm!
0:08:59 > 0:09:03# Now you're at the wheel Tell me how... #
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Thank you, Amsterdam!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Goodnight, Brussels!
0:09:08 > 0:09:12# ..so good to have equalised
0:09:12 > 0:09:19# To lift up the lids of your eyes... #
0:09:25 > 0:09:28We did two encores last night. For the second one,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31we did a cover of Little Red Corvette at half tempo,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33James-Blaked the shit out of it.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I even caught Casper enjoying himself.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- MELODIE:- Oh, sounds amazing! Remind me again, which one's Casper?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Bassist. Gwen's boyfriend. Sworn enemy.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45When we're not making sweet music together, that is.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Ahh! Are you in your hotel now?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Yeah. Pretty swank.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Scotland has the worst hotel porn, though.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54SHE CHUCKLES
0:09:54 > 0:09:56PHONE BEEPS
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Shit. Sorry, Melodie, I should get this.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01- Talk soon? - Always.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Hey, Roly!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Are you freezing your balls off yet?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11The one upside of Edinburgh is that the entire place reeks of hops.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14It's like I'm still drinking.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17It sucks that we're in the same country but we can't see each other.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Same kingdom. Different country.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23All right, Cromwell. KNOCK AT DOOR
0:10:23 > 0:10:24How did you...?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27We have this amazing new invention called the rail service.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28I've told Mum I'm staying at a friend's house.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31She won't suspect a thing. My train back's at 7.30 tomorrow morning.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Sadly, it's too late to visit the Scottish Parliament,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35so we'll just have to make our own fun.
0:10:35 > 0:10:41# You don't know if I'm a berk And you don't care if I go to work
0:10:41 > 0:10:44# What am I supposed to do?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46# That's one
0:10:46 > 0:10:48# You're telling me
0:10:48 > 0:10:52# I'm still a baby. #
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Mum is dragging me to ballroom classes. Bruce has bought a drone
0:10:55 > 0:10:59for us to fly, and Tiff has made me watch all of the Divergent films.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01You can say it.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04OK, I did enjoy the first Divergent, but the others just felt incoherent.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- Hunger Games was much better. - No, you miss me.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Have you noticed how every room service menu has a club sandwich?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Guess it's not a very exclusive club, then.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18KNOCK AT DOOR
0:11:19 > 0:11:21We're going to the bar. You coming?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Whoa. Hey, man, what happens in Edinburgh stays in Edinburgh, but...
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Shut up, donkey. That's his nephew.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- THEY CHEER - There he is!
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Errol said that you two have been playing music together
0:11:32 > 0:11:34since he was 12. You playing nursery rhymes or something?
0:11:34 > 0:11:35THEY LAUGH
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I'll have you know that working with my nephew's been
0:11:37 > 0:11:39a very important step in my evolution as a songwriter.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I'm basically the John Lennon to his Paul McCartney.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43More like the Linda McCartney to my Paul.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45They were the Wings of nursery rhymes.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46No, it's cool you guys are so close, man.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I mean, I only see my uncle at Christmas,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51which is often enough, cos he's a twat.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Both my parents are only children, so I don't have an aunt or an uncle.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56That explains so much.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58The family you choose mean more than the family you're born with.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03- Thanks, Ghostie! - Not you, idiots. Val and Gwen.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06We're getting married when the tour's over.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I'm sure you and Val will be very happy together.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13THEY LAUGH
0:12:13 > 0:12:15It's funny, I'm really happy for you both.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19If we ever have a boy,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21we definitely won't call him Andy.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25DOOR SLAMS Ho, ho, ho!
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Andy King is ho-ho-home for the ho-ho-holidays!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Hey! The prodigal brother's returned.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Ow! You smell like Pringles and petrol.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Welcome home, dude.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Look, Bruce is teaching me how to shave.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I could've taught you how to shave.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43What does Bruce know about shaving? He's got a beard.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44- So do you, Andy. - Oh, yeah.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Now, wash that custard pie off your face and put your shoes on.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48We're going out to buy me a new car.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52But me and Bruce were just about to go droning.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I'll get my shoes.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Don't you think this looks a little bit upmarket for you?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Only if you've got a down-market 'tude.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Oh, shit, it's Alfie. We need to go somewhere else.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05No way. This is like that scene in Pretty Woman
0:13:05 > 0:13:07when Julia Roberts goes into that shop and makes all the staff
0:13:07 > 0:13:09feel like shit because they made her feel like shit
0:13:09 > 0:13:11when they thought that she was just a poor prozzie.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Yeah, but she was just a poor prozzie.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14And the proper term is "sex worker".
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Well, well! What are you two queefs doing here?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Get lost on the way to your bikini wax?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Speedo wax, actually. And no.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Nice hat, Alfie. Does a good job of hiding those horns.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Dad!
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Well, well.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33If it isn't Baloo and Mowgli.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35You need to update your refs, Tom.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37You of all people, Baloo, should know they've just made
0:13:37 > 0:13:40a live-action Jungle Book, so who's the muppet now?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46You've got a lot of nerve showing up here, after what you did.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47- Don't know what you're talking about.- Yeah?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Who etched a cock on my Benters? - Haven't the foggiest.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54And you should know, Tom, a lot's changed since last we met.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57My band is currently on a European tour.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59The Edinburgh show was rated three stars in the Scotsman,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02which is the equivalent of six English stars.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Yeah? What's your band's name?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- It's Bear. - What's that? I can't hear you.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Bear! We're called Bear!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11That's a perfect band name, Baloo.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I forgot how funny you were!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19He's not here to make jokes, he's here to buy a car.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24You can't afford any of these!
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Not a problem. We could cut a deal. My services for a discount.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30What would you have to offer, Baloo?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I wrote a jingle for Carpet Brothers,
0:14:32 > 0:14:33and their sales went up by 30%.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Actually, forget it.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I can see we're not dealing with serious businessmen.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Errol, come.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Wait.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43# Leyton Luxury Cars, Leyton Luxury Cars,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45# Leyton Luxury Cars, Leyton Luxury Cars
0:14:45 > 0:14:47# Oh, Leyton car dealership is here to stay
0:14:47 > 0:14:50# If you don't like it, get out the way
0:14:50 > 0:14:53# Whether you're from Leyton or you're from Mars
0:14:53 > 0:14:55# Leyton is the best at dealing cars
0:14:55 > 0:14:58# The interiors are leather and sometimes vinyl
0:14:58 > 0:15:00# Smells like a car, not a urinal
0:15:00 > 0:15:02# Come to fucking Leyton car dealership
0:15:02 > 0:15:05# It'll make you cool, it'll make you hip
0:15:05 > 0:15:07# Everybody's gonna think you have a massive dick
0:15:07 > 0:15:09# It's Leyton Luxury Dealership
0:15:10 > 0:15:12# W-W-Word! # ERROL BEATBOXES
0:15:12 > 0:15:16Not bad, Baloo. You've earned your discount.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18On one condition.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23I can live with that.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Hi, this is Errol, future Prime Minister.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- Leave a message after the beep. - BEEP
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Hey, it's your cool Uncle Andy here.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Er, I'm in Stuttgart, but my flight's been cancelled.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Bloody climate change!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37So I guess I'll have to see you next month. Sorry about that, mate.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Oh, PS - you're a nerd. CALL ENDS
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Well, Uncle Andy's not coming back this weekend.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46What am I going to do?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Spend time with friends your own age?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I haven't got any friends my own age.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51PHONE BUZZES
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Who's that?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57That's Ian from school. He keeps wanting to hang out.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59He's a nice chap, but he's into symphonic metal.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Hey!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Oh, wow, that looks really good.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Yeah. It's what happens when you finally ask
0:16:07 > 0:16:09your professional-artist brother for help.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Ooh, speaking of collabs, I spoke with the oncologist today, and, erm,
0:16:13 > 0:16:17she says if - sorry, no, when - I get the all clear,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20she recommends that we wait for two more years
0:16:20 > 0:16:24before trying for a baby again, in case of a relapse.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Well, I've been waiting 13 years for the new Postal Service album,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30so two years is a cinch.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33DOOR SLAMS
0:16:33 > 0:16:35The road warrior's here!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Witness me!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40MUSIC FROM DOWNSTAIRS
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Guess who, motherfucker?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46LOUD ROCK MUSIC
0:16:50 > 0:16:52MUSIC STOPS
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Oh. Hey, Andy. - Oh?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Who are these people, and what are they doing in my flat?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01We're Ophelia Nightshade. I'm Ian.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Sorry. It just seemed like a nice place to jam.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07"Jam"? Are you a band?!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Roly! Is that a bass?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16The bass was just a one-time thing. I was just experimenting.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18This isn't a band, it's just a school project.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20They're not even my mates, they're just co-workers.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- Trust me, no fun was being had. - I saw the bowl of Starmix.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27It was just oranges and yellows.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29What...? What are those magazines?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Someone's written an article about me.- Oh, wow! Can I see?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Maybe when you've finished with your co-workers.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37If you want some company, there's always Tiff.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38You'd be doing me a big favour.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41She keeps on flirting with Ian and showing him her jujitsu moves.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I don't need company! I've just performed a sell-out concert
0:17:44 > 0:17:47in front of 3,000 adoring fans. And seriously, "Ophelia Nightshade"?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Have you gone all symphonic metal on me?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56You paid them to write this, right?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58No. Why would you think that?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01It says that you're handsome and charismatic. If I gave a shit,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- I'd be really proud of you. - Thank you.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Listen, Andy, can I, er...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09ask your advice about something?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11You want my advice?
0:18:11 > 0:18:12- Yeah.- It's a new low.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I just feel weird talking to Gwen about this.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I knew it. You hate Casper. We've all been there.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20No, you knob! I'm seeing someone. Patrick. He's...
0:18:20 > 0:18:23lovely, and it's getting serious, but he has teenage kids
0:18:23 > 0:18:26and an ex-wife, and they're really straight.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27You know? Square?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29And I don't know what they're going to make of me,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32or Gwen or this place...
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I refuse to change who I am. And I just... I just don't want
0:18:40 > 0:18:43to scare them off before they get to know me, you know?
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- What? - Oh, my God!
0:18:50 > 0:18:52You are so insecure.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Andy, don't make me kill you just when things were looking up.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Listen, Val...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01you are one of the coolest,
0:19:01 > 0:19:05most genuine, beautiful human beings I have ever met.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08You stick up for your friends and your family.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10And if you're special to this guy,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13then his family should know about it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:19And if they can't see it, and he won't show them,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21then he doesn't deserve you.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23If he doesn't want what you're cooking,
0:19:23 > 0:19:25then I'll come over for dinner.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- SNIFFLES - Are you hitting on me?
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Accidentally, maybe.
0:19:37 > 0:19:45# How's it feel when it's on the wall?
0:19:45 > 0:19:52# When you're out, you're out cold
0:19:54 > 0:19:57# So long
0:19:57 > 0:20:05# Shed your skin again, my child. #
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Happy 16th, Roly!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13You're now old enough to register as a blood donor.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- Or join the army. - Or get married.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Over my dead body. - Or ride a moped, like a true mod.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- Over your dead body. - Hey!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22You're leaving the biggest one out.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Sex!
0:20:23 > 0:20:28You are officially old enough to change your name by deed poll!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31This "Errol" joke has been going on long enough.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Hi, Uncle Andy.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Wow. When Sam heard I could finally afford to move out,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41she wasted no time in packing all my stuff up.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Cool. Thanks.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44It's a lady's small. It should fit perfectly.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Now that's out the way, what do you want to do?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49We could go and try and sneak you into an 18-certificate film,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51or we could have a jam session. Starmix on me.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52I'd love to, but my friends are waiting.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I'll see you at the gig tonight.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Ophelia Nightshade are friends now, are they?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I don't think I should feel guilty for jamming with other people.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00And if you think Ophelia Nightshade's dumb,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02then what about the Bear Maximum?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- That is a riff on a joke that YOU made.- When I was 12.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Well, if you're so mature, then how come you've stopped answering
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- my calls?- Well, because I knew you'd make me feel bad
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- for having fun without you.- Yeah, well, I've been having fun
0:21:12 > 0:21:14without you. I've been having the time of my life.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Why would I want to hang around with a stupid kid from Croydon?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Because this stupid kid is the only real friend you've got.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Real friends hang out with each other on their birthdays,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- not with a bunch of talentless brats.- I only said
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- they were talentless to protect your fragile ego.- MY fragile ego?!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28The only reason I started hanging out with you in the first place
0:21:28 > 0:21:30was because you're my sister's weirdo kid and I felt sorry for you.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Well, don't let me cramp your style. And me playing bass -
0:21:33 > 0:21:35that wasn't a one-time thing. I'm a bassist now!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Well, you know what a bassist and a Hoover have in common?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39They both suck when you plug them in!
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Fuck you, Andy!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45One minute you're writing hits for NTL,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47and now you're opening for Ezra + Riley.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Does it all feel kind of surreal to you?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Yeah. I mean, it's been a long road.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54And this band is kind of an evolution of your duo,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57the Bear Maximum, right? That was with your nephew?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Can you talk about how that influenced your sound?
0:21:59 > 0:22:00PHONE RINGS Yeah.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I mean, he wasn't available to do the tour.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Erm... Oh, I've got to get this.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Hey. What's up?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09We're heading over to the venue, but I can't find Roly,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13and he's not picking up. Have you heard from him?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16# Isn't it a pity?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22# Now isn't it a shame?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29# How we break each other's hearts? #
0:22:34 > 0:22:38All right, you fanny flannels. After six months together,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I can say each of you now feels like a brother -
0:22:40 > 0:22:43a brother in the sense that I'm tired of smelling your farts
0:22:43 > 0:22:44and cleaning up your vom.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49I'm ashamed to say I know your wank schedules better than my own.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Now, let's get out there and give them the show of our lives tonight.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I've got some ex-girlfriends in the crowd,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58and I'd like to make them feel bad for letting me get away.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Andy? You want to add anything?
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Erm...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Don't fuck it up.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- ALL:- Don't fuck it up!
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Come on, boys, come on.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10CHEERING
0:23:16 > 0:23:19MUSIC: Smother, by Daughter
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Mr King?
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Mr King, we're waiting for you.
0:23:29 > 0:23:35# In the darkness I will meet my creators... #
0:23:49 > 0:23:52RHYTHMIC CLAPPING
0:23:52 > 0:23:55CHEERING
0:24:03 > 0:24:08# We're always told it's all about the taking part
0:24:08 > 0:24:11# Yeah, whoopy-doo and, well done, you
0:24:11 > 0:24:15# You take that sentiment to heart
0:24:15 > 0:24:17# You lag behind
0:24:17 > 0:24:20# You've constantly been overlapped
0:24:20 > 0:24:23# I raise my hat, I'm impressed that
0:24:23 > 0:24:27# You've really ran with being crap
0:24:27 > 0:24:30# Here we go again, here we go again
0:24:30 > 0:24:31# You're perfect again
0:24:31 > 0:24:33# Coming last again
0:24:33 > 0:24:35# You can't know again You're on show again... #
0:24:35 > 0:24:40So, you got all that rock-star stuff out of your system?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44No? Good! Cos I want Bear to do me an album.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Don't thank me.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Fuck me.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49In the ears. With your music.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- I'll give it a go. - Super.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Ezra, you skinny twat.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Andy, you ready to finish that interview?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Yeah, er...
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Maybe later.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Hi.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11That was a great show.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Yeah. Thanks.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16EXHALES
0:25:18 > 0:25:20You want to get out of here?
0:25:21 > 0:25:25You punch like a diabetic kitten.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30You punch like Danny DeVito in a zero-gravity plane.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34You punch like an inflatable balloon man at a boat show.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38You punch like a bassist.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Oh. Sorry.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47That was a low blow.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48You're my best friend.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Shut up!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52You're my best friend, and that will never change,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54but I've got some friends my own age now.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58And I might need to start hanging out with them more.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00For sociological reasons.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04You know, how can I pretend to be a normal teenage boy
0:26:04 > 0:26:07if I don't study their ways?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09And sure, I might play in a few bands, but
0:26:09 > 0:26:11you'll always be my number one.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Yeah. Well, you'll always be my number two.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18And you're my best friend.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I love you, Errol Andrew Meyer.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I love you, too...
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Andrew...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32An-Andrew, er...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Oh, my God!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36You don't know my middle name!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38'Course I do! It... Er, it...
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- It's, er...Andy?- You think my name is Andrew Andy King?!
0:26:42 > 0:26:46AA King? It sounds... It sounds fancy, like, er....
0:26:46 > 0:26:47- AA Milne. - Yeah.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52The only problem is that my full name is Andrew Guthrie King.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55PHONE CHIMES
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Shit. It's Ian and the lads.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59They've come to pick up me and Tiff for a party.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02And they're totally spaced. I'll... I'll cancel.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03No, no, you should go.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06You know, I've got to finish packing up this place, anyway.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- Are you sure? - Go on. Get out of here.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10See you later...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14..Baloo.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15See you later, Mowgli.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22MUSIC: Smother, by Daughter
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Silly old bear.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45TOILET FLUSHES
0:27:46 > 0:27:48SNIFFLES
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Hey! Don't cry.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55It was only a wee.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58- LAUGHS TEARFULLY - Sorry. It's just...
0:28:00 > 0:28:02...Roly's growing up.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05You're moving out. It's like everything's changing.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06Yeah, it's funny.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10This feels like the first time in my life that I'm actually all right
0:28:10 > 0:28:18with being on my own, like I don't need someone else to complete me.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20But, if it's making you this sad,
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- I'll stay. - No.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I'm very proud you've finally put a deposit on a flat,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29like a real grown-up. It's amazing.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31And it's a moot point, anyway, because, erm,
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Roly's moving down here to make some more space.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38"Space"?
0:28:38 > 0:28:41- For what? - The new nursery.
0:28:41 > 0:28:42Bruce and I hadn't planned it,
0:28:42 > 0:28:45but we've decided, as long as I stay in remission,
0:28:45 > 0:28:47then we are moving forward.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Am I a stupid cow?
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Andy?
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Andy! Can you please say something?
0:28:55 > 0:28:56You mean...
0:29:03 > 0:29:05...I'm going to be an uncle?