0:00:21 > 0:00:23HEN CLUCKS
0:00:23 > 0:00:26"Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?"
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Sorry, Dad. How old's this sad weirdo supposed to be?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32The maid be 13, my sweet.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Yeah, cos I'm 13.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Exactly.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I thought it might be fun to hear my Juliet spoke in her true voice
0:00:38 > 0:00:41before a middle-aged man with two half-coconuts down his bodice
0:00:41 > 0:00:43gets hold of it.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I don't say stuff like this, Dad.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I'd sound like a complete turnip!
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Yes, dear.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51'Tis thy sweet and useful timbre I would feign here,
0:00:51 > 0:00:55not the monosyllabic series of grunts that passes for your conversation.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Oh, what?!
0:00:56 > 0:00:57GRUNTS
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I take the view that having my romantic ingenue say,
0:01:00 > 0:01:07"Uhh, what, shut up, Romeo, you're so weird, uhh, shut up, I hate you,"
0:01:07 > 0:01:11would be slightly less effective than mine own timeless poetry.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Timeless is the word,
0:01:14 > 0:01:17as in "feels like goes on for bloody ever".
0:01:19 > 0:01:21You've never given it a chance.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22You've only seen Henry VI, Part 1.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Part 1? What, you mean there's more?!
0:01:27 > 0:01:31I mean, don't take this wrong way, son, but, God, I was bored!
0:01:33 > 0:01:38I thought I was actually outside my own body watching meself die.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42He sat there cracking his nuts in the quiet bits.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I tried to shush him, but he would not be shushed.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49He's a stubborn man, your father, William. A stubborn, common man.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Which is why you married me. Posh birds love a bit of rough.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56I married beneath me, and now you've done the same, William.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And what's that supposed to mean?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00It means that he was 17
0:02:00 > 0:02:04and he got a scheming little 26-year-old tithe farm milking-slap
0:02:04 > 0:02:06up the duffington, that's what!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Oh, you think you're so posh, Mary Arden.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Like you ain't sewn into your winter knickers like everybody else.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I'm trying to work!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18I've come from London to hear Sue read my Juliet.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Well, I'm not happy, doll.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Burbage pays you as an actor, not a writer.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24It's fine. I've sent word to the theatre
0:02:24 > 0:02:27that the two tunnels which lie beneath the bridge be blocked.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Pardon?
0:02:28 > 0:02:32The two tunnels which lie beneath the bridge be blocked.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Two tunnels?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Beneath a bridge? Anyone?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Nose, my loves. Nose!
0:02:40 > 0:02:44I've told Burbage that my nose be snotted and I would not work this week or next.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Why didn't you just say "nose"?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48It's what I do!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Now, Susanna, again.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53All right, if I have to.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?"
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Dad, nobody talks like this!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00It's poetry.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Sometimes I regret teaching you to read.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I do think it could be a little less flowery, love.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I mean, why doesn't she just say, "Where are you, Romeo?"
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Because, my love, it doesn't mean, "Where are you?"
0:03:11 > 0:03:13It means, "Why are you Romeo?"
0:03:14 > 0:03:16That's a bit weird.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Yeah. Romeo is just his name.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Well, exactly.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Juliet is saying, "Why are you a member of a family that I hate?"
0:03:23 > 0:03:26People will definitely think you mean, "Romeo, where are you?"
0:03:26 > 0:03:28That's what I thought it meant.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Yeah. I did, too.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32It's bloody obvious.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35I think, to be clear, you're going to have to have Juliet say,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"Romeo, Romeo! Why are you called Romeo?"
0:03:39 > 0:03:42"A member of a family that I hate?"
0:03:42 > 0:03:45That'd do it. Although if I was being really picky,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Romeo is just his Christian name, isn't it? And that's not the issue.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51It's his surname that's the problem.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Well, yes. Actually, I was sort of hoping people wouldn't notice that.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I think they might. Duh!
0:03:59 > 0:04:00So you think she should say,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03"Montague, Montague! Wherefore art thou Montague?"
0:04:03 > 0:04:06No. Cos that'd sound like she's lost her cat.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Look, it's...probably best if you leave this to me, my love.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13I'm-I'm on a bit of a roll.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17I'm particularly pleased with the comedy scene where a group of rival serving men
0:04:17 > 0:04:20exchange a series of increasingly obscure insults.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Will, I've told you. Don't do comedy.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24It's not your strong point.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27It is my strong point, wife.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30It's just requires lengthy explanation and copious footnotes.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33If... If you do your research,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35my stuff is actually really funny.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43So excited to hear about Mr Shakespeare's teen romance.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Such a good idea for a story.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Yeah, it's all right, I suppose.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Better than his usual stuff.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Has he let slip any hints about the romance plot?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Er, this lad falls in love with this lass,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57and she falls in love with him...
0:04:57 > 0:04:59and they live happily ever after.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Nice and short, which makes a change from his Henrys.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06And an amazing part for a girl. Kate,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09you've got to drop that. Just cos your mum rents rooms to my master
0:05:09 > 0:05:12don't mean he's going to put you in one of his plays.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17It just seems so unfair that the theatre employs men to perform female roles
0:05:17 > 0:05:20when I, a real woman, am ready and eager.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Ah, Kate, splendid!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Store these new pages in my bureau, would you? And, Bottom,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26bring ale and pie.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28A "good morrow" would be nice.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I'm famished!
0:05:30 > 0:05:34The coach promised a refreshment cart, but, oh, not on this particular service,
0:05:34 > 0:05:36you'll be stunned to hear(!)
0:05:36 > 0:05:37I hate it when they do that.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42Plus, they were filling ruts 'twixt Stokenchurch and Chipping Norton
0:05:42 > 0:05:45and had laid on replacement donkeys.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50In fact, one donkey for six of us, plus bags.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Of course, the snortish brute guffed its last after but three furlongs
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and they had to send for another from Birmingham.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00We spent two nights in a hedge.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03And did we see a single rut being filled?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Oh, no, I was forgetting! This is England.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09One wouldst more likely see a toothless crone with a tooth
0:06:09 > 0:06:13than an English rut-filler actually filling a rut!
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Fortunately, I had my quill and ink and was able to make passing use of the time.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Oh, my God, Mr Shakespeare, it's brilliant.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Timeless. Deathless!
0:06:23 > 0:06:27"The Most Tragical History Of Romeo And Julian."
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Oh, yes...
0:06:30 > 0:06:34That should be Juliet, obviously. Romeo And Julian was but a working title.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Early exploratory stuff. It meanteth nothing.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Yeah, right(!)
0:06:40 > 0:06:42What? Well, come on, master.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44We live in t'same house.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I've heard you reading out your sonnets.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Especially 1 to 126.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Those poems are about a platonic hierarchical relationship.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54God's naughty etchings!
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Why does everybody presume
0:06:55 > 0:06:58that just because I write 126 love poems to an attractive boy,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I must be...
0:07:01 > 0:07:04..I must be some kind of bechambered hugger-tugger.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Juliet is an utterly amazing part.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Yes, I really think I've got her voice.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13You have, you have. She's perfect.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17The real challenge will be to find an actor to do her justice.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Master Condell was quite brilliant as Queen Margaret in my Henrys.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23But I fear he'd be too old to play the ingenue.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25On the other hand, I don't want a boy.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28These downy-scrotumed squeakers lack depth.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Ahem.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Pardon, Kate?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Leaping amphibian caught in the ruby pipe
0:07:34 > 0:07:37which starts with a swallow but knows naught of birds.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Pardon?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I think he means, have you got a frog in your throat?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46But you can never be sure with him.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48KNOCK AT DOOR
0:07:49 > 0:07:50I'll get it.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52As if anyone else was ever going to!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Yes, Bottom. Or, alternatively, I could get it and you could write a play
0:07:55 > 0:07:58and use the money you earn to pay me.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Except, hang on, no, that wouldn't work, because you can't read or write.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05So perhaps our current distribution of labour is the sensible and equitable one.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09That's just mean, that is.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Ahem.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13What?
0:08:13 > 0:08:18I was hinting that the answer to your Juliet dilemma could be...
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Oh, Kate, don't go there.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Lady-acting is illegal.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Beside which, girls can't act.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Just as they cannot practise law, cure the sick,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32handle financial matters or stand for any office.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36But no woman has ever been allowed to try any of those things.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Because they can't do them!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41God's bodikins, Kate, what's not to get?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Now, please, forget this nonsense and let me focus.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47It's not Juliet I'm worried about, it's Romeo.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48I can't seem to get a handle on him.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50His character eludes me.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Master Robert Greene is without.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Rob Greene...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56who doth hate my gutlings?
0:08:56 > 0:08:57What does he want?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Ahh...
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Master Shaky Poet!
0:09:01 > 0:09:02A word, if you please.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Shakespeare, Master Greene. My name is Shakespeare.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07I know your name, sirrah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08I was addressing you by trade.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Shaky Poet.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Just as I would address a house-builder as Master Builder
0:09:13 > 0:09:15or a ship's carpenter as Master Carpenter.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17What would you call a bear-baiter, Mr Greene?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Master Baiter.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22See what I did there? Brilliant. Loved it.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27I am come on a mission of great delicacy.
0:09:27 > 0:09:33My nephew, Florian Greene, has fallen for a most unsuitable girl -
0:09:33 > 0:09:37the Lady Rosaline, daughter of a mere country knight.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39There can of course be no question of such a lowly match,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41so the boy must be kept from her.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45And what part of this unedifying tale of upper-class entitlement
0:09:45 > 0:09:46is of interest to me?
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Florian travels to Cambridge next week to take his place at the university.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53You must keep him here till then.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58You see, this lowly boarding house is far from court.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00And Miss Rosaline will never find him here.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03I am a busy writer, sirrah. Why should I do this?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Because I am Master of the Queen's Revels,
0:10:05 > 0:10:10and if you don't, I will deny your plays licence.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12You mean you're corruptly using your public position
0:10:12 > 0:10:14to further your own private interests?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Er, duh!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I will have the boy sent to you this e'en bound tight,
0:10:21 > 0:10:23for his blood runs hot.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27I myself will return in a week for a farewell dinner.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Good day.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Zounds! I am due at the theatre to discuss my new romance,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36but now must play nursey-nursey wipey-nosey
0:10:36 > 0:10:40to a rogering, roistering student clodhopper!
0:10:40 > 0:10:43And all because Robert Greene be made Master of Revels.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Why be he Master of Revels?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47What qualifies him to be my judge?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49He's posh and he went to Cambridge.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Exactly.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52His very birth did guarantee him advancement
0:10:52 > 0:10:54whilst mine precluded it.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57It is almost as if there be suspended over this scepter'd isle
0:10:57 > 0:10:59a ceiling made of glass...
0:11:00 > 0:11:05..against which men of lower birth, such as I, must always bonk our noggins.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08D'you think that's why you're going a bit bald?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I am not going bloody bald.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I have a very big brain.
0:11:18 > 0:11:23Mr Burbage, I am the senior actor of female roles in this company.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27My dear Condell, the ingenue in Master Shakespeare's promised play
0:11:27 > 0:11:29is a maid of 13 summers,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31a young bud scarce yet in bloom.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32And your point?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I think it seeks an actor that doesn't have to shave his ears.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Good morrow! Good morrow, all.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Don't you "good morrow" me, Mr Shakespeare.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45This new romance you're writing...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Aye. Romeo And Julian. Juliet.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48As I said.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Romeo And Juliet.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Burbage says you want me to play some bloody nanny.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55The nurse is a fine comedy role.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Oh! Comedy. Ooh!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Don't give it to him, then.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I can do comedy. Yeah...
0:12:02 > 0:12:05But only in London, yeah? Not really Florence, is it?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Yes, we all know you worked in Italy, Kempe.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Ooh, did I get an award?
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Can't remember.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Oh, that's right, I did. Yeah. A proper one.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Not English. Italian, yeah?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Commedia dell'arte. Mm!
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Heard of it?
0:12:19 > 0:12:24Since you became big in Italy, Kempe, an insufferable smuglington hast thou become!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Yeah, but an insufferable smuglington who's big in Italy.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31I am the senior lady actor and I insist on playing Juliet!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Look, the play isn't even finished.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I'm stuck on the character of my Romeo.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38And what's more, as yet I don't have an ending.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Surely our young lovers will live happily ever after.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Hmm. Well, that's the obvious ending.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Yes.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47The ending the crowd will want.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Yes.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50So I thought I'd kill them instead.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Kill them?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Our teenage sweethearts?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Yes. Theatre should be challenging.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59And entertaining.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Mainly challenging. Oh!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I just need to work out a decent double death plot.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I can do dying! I'm good at dying.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Hmm, yeah!
0:13:09 > 0:13:10On stage every night. Oh!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Who said that? Oh, I did, so...
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Mr Shakespeare, I need this role.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I can woo Romeo. I know I can.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Let me show you. Find a way for me to prove it.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Bit sad, though. Begging.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34GRUNTING: We've had a delivery!
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Lock up the beef and ale, Bottom. Tell the poor to bar their doors.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42We unleash the most parasitic creature in Christendom...
0:13:42 > 0:13:43the English posh boy.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Stay your hand a moment, Bottom. Have you your dagger handy?
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Do you think he's dangerous?
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Possibly. These Oxbridge yobbos are extraordinarily strong,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56having spent their entire lives with literarily enough to eat.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03They join clubs called the Burst Ballsack and the Fisted Peasant...
0:14:05 > 0:14:08..where they gorge and fight and roger and quaff
0:14:08 > 0:14:10till they coat the walls with gut porridge.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13A bit jealous, are we? Bloody jealous!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Particularly as when they graduate, they all get to be bishops and ambassadors
0:14:16 > 0:14:18and members of the privy council.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20In England, I'm afraid it's not what you know,
0:14:20 > 0:14:24it's what dead farmyard animals you rogered at university!
0:14:25 > 0:14:26We can put it off no longer.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Unleash the posh boy!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Rosaline...
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Rosaline!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Wherefore art thou Rosaline?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Goodness. This is spooky.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46He's asking why his beloved's name is Rosaline.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Actually, I think he's asking where Rosaline is.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Probably best to leave the linguistic interpretation to me.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Where are you, Rosaline?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Where are you?
0:14:58 > 0:14:59I wish I knew where you were.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Gonna admit I was right?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05O brutal love.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Despised love.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Love is the angry thorn upon the false rose, and I...
0:15:11 > 0:15:13am a prick.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Blimey, have we got to spend a week with this arse-mungel?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Resist your thuggish interjections, Bottom.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25I see in this lovelorn loon the very model of my Romeo.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28O thou rude and deceiving table!
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Four legs hast thou, yet none are Rosaline's.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I would cut off every one and eat upon the floor
0:15:36 > 0:15:39for but one glance at Rosaline's sweet knees.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I'm sorry, but this bloke's a total wankington.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47You must make allowance for his youth and ardour.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Curse the floor that doth not support Rosaline.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Curse the ceiling that doth not shelter Rosaline.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Curse the bondsman that doth not serve Rosaline.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Well, maybe he's a bit of a wankington.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Sirrah, who are you?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10My name is Will Shakespeare, Master Florian.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13And I've been charged with keeping you safe till you go to university.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Never.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19I will leave this place at once and search the world until I find my Rosaline.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I'm afraid that's out of the question.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Then I will kill myself.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Rosaline, Rosaline! Wherefore art thou Rosaline?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Mr Shakespeare, I've learned one of Juliet's speeches,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31and if you'll just let me show you what I...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Kate, I'm really, really busy!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
0:16:36 > 0:16:38"By any other name would smell as sweet."
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Not now, Kate! Sorry.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Now, Master Florian, don't be foolish.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46You're going to have to put Rosaline out of your mind.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Rosaline?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Who's this foul trollop Rosaline?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Why, your love, I thought.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Kate...
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Kate be my love. I will love none but my Kate.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Kate? You... You... You mean, our Kate?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Where she breathes, flowers bloom.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Where she sings, pixies dance.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Her most blowingly flatulent fartle-barfle
0:17:11 > 0:17:17be more sweetly scented than all the perfumes of Arabia!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Well, you see, you're wrong there. She's not a bad-looking bird,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22but let me tell you, if she leaves one hanging in a room,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24you're still chewing on it an hour later.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32My Kate doth teach the candles to burn bright.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Kate, Kate!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Zounds! I've got to get some of this stuff down.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40He is my Romeo, all right.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44And what a bit of luck, him going all diddly-doodah over our Kate!
0:17:44 > 0:17:45We'd thought to be his jailer
0:17:45 > 0:17:48but what better chains to keep him close than those of love?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Mr Shakespeare...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Something quite interesting has just happened.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Yes, I know, Kate. Master Florian has taken a shine to you.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Just string him along for a week, will you?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Let him sing beneath your balcony, write you sonnets, that sort of thing.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I'm sure it's nothing serious.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06It is...
0:18:06 > 0:18:08quite serious.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09He's asked me to marry him.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Well...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Well, that's very sweet...
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Marry?!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15He can't marry you!
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Robert Greene thought Rosaline not good enough for his precious Florian
0:18:19 > 0:18:21and she be the daughter of a knight.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Your mum washes my puffling pants!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Yes, but 'tis not Robert Greene who would marry me.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28'Tis Florian.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32And when he does, my station will be somewhat elevated...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34considerably, I might add,
0:18:34 > 0:18:35above you own.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40But...but, Kate, if you marry Florian, his uncle will blame me
0:18:40 > 0:18:42and never license another of my plays.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Hmm! It's not my problem, though, is it?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Particularly since you won't let me play Juliet, even though I'd be brilliant,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52and it's my dream. HE SIGHS
0:18:52 > 0:18:55But, Kate, you know very well that it is illegal
0:18:55 > 0:18:58for girls to do anything interesting.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Thus...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01our only recourse is to marry,
0:19:01 > 0:19:05and if we can marry rich, besotted idiots, then...
0:19:05 > 0:19:06all the better.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Bottom, we have to stop this marriage.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13We must distract the boy! Well, that shouldn't be difficult.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15The randy little ponce fancies anything in a skirt.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17That's right. Yes, of course.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21So...so all we need to do is find someone in a skirt whom he definitely can't marry.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Oh, my God, it's so obvious!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Woo-hoo, masters!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31See, here I am!
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Mistress Sauce Quickly, a shy but biddable young maid,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37who is all ripe...
0:19:37 > 0:19:39and hot and drippy.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Players!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42MUSIC BEGINS
0:19:44 > 0:19:47# She that craves her true love's joy
0:19:47 > 0:19:50# With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain
0:19:50 > 0:19:53# Will do the lot for a handsome boy
0:19:53 > 0:19:58# For the maid, she bonketh every day. #
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Well, Master Florian? What...
0:20:01 > 0:20:03What think you of Mistress Sauce Quickly?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Does she not make
0:20:05 > 0:20:09your loins tremble and your codpiece cry, "Woof, woof"?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Are you blind? She looks like a man in a dress!
0:20:12 > 0:20:13SIMPERS
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Besides, I am spoken for my Kate.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Ah, but Kate be pure and chaste till wed...
0:20:18 > 0:20:22while Mistress Sauce Quickly doth promise the lot before dinner.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Not a bad point, actually.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Sweet, good night!
0:20:34 > 0:20:38This bud of love by summer's ripening breath
0:20:38 > 0:20:42May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Good night.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Good night!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47As sweet repose and rest
0:20:47 > 0:20:52Come to thy heart as that within my breast!
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Sorry, Mistress Sauce Quickly, that does it. Kate's the one for me.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I shall stand beneath Kate's balcony
0:21:06 > 0:21:08and strum my lute!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14If that's a figure of speech, don't let the watchman catch you.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Oh, well, in that case, perhaps I'll just play her some music.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24GENTLE MUSIC
0:21:28 > 0:21:32I should be angry with you for pinching my lines like that.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33But you did do them rather well.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36The verse is so beautiful.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Look, Kate, crazy as it sounds,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43perhaps Juliet would be better played by a girl.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45And so...
0:21:45 > 0:21:48If I were at some point to try, and I only say "try",
0:21:48 > 0:21:52to help you become an actor,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55would you prefer that to marrying a pervy posh boy?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh, Mr Shakespeare, you know I would! But...
0:21:58 > 0:22:01But I am promised now, and that is binding in law.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06Well, then, we must come up with a plan to get this boy to give you up.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08And I've got a corker.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Even better than a middle-aged man in lipstick?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Yes. Even better than that.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Good e'en, old apothecary.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Good e'en, my master. A dark night for business.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Perhaps thy business be dark also?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Yes, well, I... I suppose it is a bit.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41My...friend loves this girl...
0:22:41 > 0:22:42I see, my master.
0:22:42 > 0:22:48And this "friend" has a spotted cod-dangle and a murky discharge?
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Not at all.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53You take bat spit and goat snot and rub upon your...
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I mean, your friend's...
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Apothecary, I be not poxed.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02I just need a simple potion that will render a person seemingly dead
0:23:02 > 0:23:05but from which they will fully recover at the appropriate moment.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Well, we have Play Dead.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Or else you could buy my own brand of the mixture, which is exactly the same
0:23:11 > 0:23:13but half the price.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Hm, I... I think I'll stick to the popular brand, thank you.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20I'm happy to pay a little more for the nebulous sense of comfort
0:23:20 > 0:23:22that a public brand imbues.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Master Florian!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I come with a message from your true love, Kate.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Why, sirrah, if you speak Kate's words, then you are her mouth.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Er, not really.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37And so must I kiss thee.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40No, this is not consensual!
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Oh! Oh, urgh!
0:23:41 > 0:23:42God!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Your breath doth stink like you dine on dung.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Deliver your message and be gone.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Mistress Kate has gone to the local chapel.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Her countenance was dark and wild. I fear some madness is come upon her.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56She called for you, master. Hurry lest you be too late.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00BIRD CAWS
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Right, Kate, you swig the potion, Florian finds you,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09thinks you dead and breaks off the engagement.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I can't see how it can possibly go wrong.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Well, to play Juliet...
0:24:18 > 0:24:19EXHALES
0:24:21 > 0:24:22GATE CREAKS
0:24:22 > 0:24:23But soft, he comes!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Oh...
0:24:27 > 0:24:30So dark.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31I fear my love's not here,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34for surely her bright eyes would be a lantern in the gloom.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Knob. Shh!
0:24:36 > 0:24:37What's this?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40My Kate lies cold.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Does she sleep?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45No, she is dead!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Now will he say, "Oh, well, bad luck.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51"I'll just have to forget about her and go to Cambridge."
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Poisoned.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Dead from poison?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Dead!
0:24:56 > 0:25:00"Oh, well, win some, lose some, plenty more totty in Cambridge."
0:25:00 > 0:25:04If Kate be dead, then Florian need not live.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Perchance some trace of poison does linger on her lips.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10A kiss and I will share her fate.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Blimey.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15He's taking it a bit harder than I expected.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18And yet no friendly drop remains.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Perchance she did brush her teeth
0:25:21 > 0:25:23and then gargle after drinking it.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Thus...
0:25:27 > 0:25:29with a dagger I die!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31No, no. She-She be not dead!
0:25:31 > 0:25:35The potion only made her seem dead. She'll wake up any second!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Bolingbrokes!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42He dies.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Now cracks a noble heart!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Good night, sweet idiot.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Thy heart was big,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58thy brain...tiny.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Soft! I wake.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Did the plan work?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Did Florian find my still body, think me dead
0:26:05 > 0:26:07and depart for Cambridge with a shrug?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Well, two out of three ain't bad.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Right, good. Don't panic, we can deal with this.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18We just need another brilliant plan.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Welcome, Master Greene,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23to young Florian's farewell feast.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Burbage and his company and Mistress Sauce Quickly have joined us
0:26:27 > 0:26:28to make of it a merry evening.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Excellent, excellent.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Come, Florian, embrace your uncle!
0:26:36 > 0:26:37He looks half dead.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41He is, Master Greene. He is.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I did a bit of serious roistering with young Flozza last night.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Buckets of oysters, barrels of ale!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49THEY LAUGH
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Come, sirrah, your hand.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Good lad.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58Cold, stiff, unbending - just as a gentleman should be.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Dinner is served, my masters. Shall we?
0:27:04 > 0:27:08So I said to Johnny Heminges - lovely actor, sweet, sweet man...
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I said to Johnny, "Have you ever played Gammer Gurton's Needle"?
0:27:11 > 0:27:16He said, "I've played Gammer Gurton, ducky, but the needle came from props!"
0:27:16 > 0:27:17THEY LAUGH
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Brilliant, Burbage!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I always say there's nothing more fascinating
0:27:25 > 0:27:28than actors talking about themselves!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Tell us more!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34What about Florian? Thou hast not touched thy food.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Posh boys must quaff and gorge whilst others starve.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Can't keep this up much longer. Let's go for it.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Tell me, Florian, have you seen anything of the fair Rosaline
0:27:45 > 0:27:47who once you did love so well?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Rosaline? Who is Rosaline?!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52You said you loved me! Your Kate!
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Kate? Love Kate? Thou said thou didst love me!
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Your Mistress Sauce Quickly.
0:27:59 > 0:28:04Bravo, lad! I see you've been roistering, as a varsity man should.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05And, Master Shakespeare,
0:28:05 > 0:28:12it seems you have cured my nephew of all silly notions of romance.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Well, yes, I think you could say we've done that.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Bra-vo.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23THUD
0:28:26 > 0:28:28But look now, what's this?
0:28:29 > 0:28:34Why, he's passed out in his plate. You'd think he was at Cambridge already!
0:28:34 > 0:28:36THEY LAUGH
0:28:38 > 0:28:40HEN CLUCKS
0:28:40 > 0:28:43We took him to Cambridge, where, not surprisingly,
0:28:43 > 0:28:45they found him cold, unco-operative
0:28:45 > 0:28:48and expecting advancement without effort or talent.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54In short, a perfect member of the English Establishment.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Although he will have decomposed long before he graduates,
0:28:57 > 0:28:59I imagine he'll get a first.
0:29:01 > 0:29:02Amazing tale, husband.
0:29:02 > 0:29:07Particularly the bit about the maid drugging herself in a tomb,
0:29:07 > 0:29:12only for her young lover to think her dead and killing himself before she wakes up.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14Yes.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17If only I could think of an ending for my play as easily.